Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
The Apprentice
The curtain covering the windowpane of the Fillydelphia Donut Emporium flicked aside briefly. For a moment, those outside saw the disheveled, sweat-streaked face of an umber stallion glaring at them, and then the curtain fell back into place.
Chief Daffodil spit out his cigar and ground it into the wet asphalt. The air stank of ozone and rain and the delicious, greasy lard scent wafting from the donut shop’s kitchen. Once this was over, he was going to order a dozen strawberry glazeds, and maybe one of those cream-filled things with the chocolate on top.
Yeah, that’d be nice.
“Keep an eye on the window,” he muttered to the sergeant beside him. “Don’t shoot unless the hostage is in danger. I don’t want a bloodbath.”
The sergeant’s ear flicked in acknowledgement. He cradled a sniper rifle in his hooves atop the wagon’s hood. A single high-powered aerodynamic meringue pastry round lurked inside the weapon’s chamber. The chocolate-chip tipped bullet could fly faster than the speed of sound, expanded on impact, and contained a hard nougat penetrator.
The chief’s earpiece crackled to life. “Sir, the negotiators are here. Sending them forward.”
Daffodil turned to see Chuck Roast, the department’s negotiator, duck under the police tape strung across the street. Beside him, so short she just walked beneath the tape, was a lemony unicorn with a bobbing flame mane. She stuck close to Chuck’s side, her ears tucked low.
“Chuck.” The chief gave him a nod. “Thanks for coming so fast. Who’s the filly?”
“Hey Daff'. This is Summer Sweets, my apprentice. She got her cutie mark last week negotiating a standoff at her school playground. Bully wouldn’t give up the swingset until she talked him down.”
“Oh, wow!” A broad smile cracked the chief’s face. “Congratulations!”
A wave of cheers and polite applause followed. A detective ruffled the filly’s mane. The sniper’s ears flapped like semaphores. Summer Sweets blushed at the attention and pressed against Chuck Roast’s side.
“So, what’s the situation?” Chuck asked. He squinted at the donut store.
“Hold-up went wrong. Stallion named Bric-a-brac said he had a pie, wanted access to the vault. Everyone got out but the cashier.”
Chuck nodded. “Does he really have a pie?”
“We think so.”
“Okay. Okay. We can do this.” Chuck closed his eyes and let out a long, slow breath, then took the megaphone from the chief and passed it to Summer Sweets.
“Okay, Sweetie,” he said. “Just like we practiced.”
The filly grabbed the megaphone in her magic. It wobbled a bit, and she propped her front legs on the wagon’s hood for support. She nodded, and the megaphone crackled to life.
“Bric-a-brac! We know you’re in there! We just want to talk!”
Silence responded. All held their breath. Even the wind and birds seemed to freeze.
A loud crack shattered the silence as the donut shop door burst open. Bric-a-brac strode out, one foreleg wrapped around a teenage colt’s neck. In the other he held a trembling cream pie just inches from the colt’s face.
“Stay back!” he shouted. “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”
“Calm down, Bric-a-brac. Nopony has to get hurt. What do you want?”
“I’m not going back to jail! I want a car and a pardon from the princess!”
“Okay, we can do that,” Sweets said. “But first you need to let that colt go.”
Bric-a-brac’s grip tightened. A curl of cream touched the colt’s cheek, leaving a white smear. “You think I’m stupid? Huh? No! He stays with me!”
“I’ve got a shot,” the sniper whispered.
“Not yet,” Sweets grunted. Then, into the megaphone, “You’re cracking up, Bric! There’s only one good ending here, and that’s if you let the colt go! Now, I’m going to count to three, and—”
But she didn’t get to count to three. Bric-a-brac panicked, or something startled him, and before anypony could move he smashed the pie into the colt’s face. There was a scream, high, that cut off with a wet squelch.
The sniper’s bullet took Bric-a-brac square in the chest. It blossomed with flakey pastry bits and cream, and Bric-a-brac went down with a thud. Police and paramedics swarmed forward.
Summer Sweets stared, her mouth hanging open. The megaphone trembled and fell.
“But, but…” She trailed off with a whimper. “I did...”
“It’s okay,” Chuck Roast said. “It happens. Like, my first seven all ended this way.”
“Heh, yeah, I remember those,” the chief said. “Messy. Anyway, you guys want some donuts? I’m famished.”
Chief Daffodil spit out his cigar and ground it into the wet asphalt. The air stank of ozone and rain and the delicious, greasy lard scent wafting from the donut shop’s kitchen. Once this was over, he was going to order a dozen strawberry glazeds, and maybe one of those cream-filled things with the chocolate on top.
Yeah, that’d be nice.
“Keep an eye on the window,” he muttered to the sergeant beside him. “Don’t shoot unless the hostage is in danger. I don’t want a bloodbath.”
The sergeant’s ear flicked in acknowledgement. He cradled a sniper rifle in his hooves atop the wagon’s hood. A single high-powered aerodynamic meringue pastry round lurked inside the weapon’s chamber. The chocolate-chip tipped bullet could fly faster than the speed of sound, expanded on impact, and contained a hard nougat penetrator.
The chief’s earpiece crackled to life. “Sir, the negotiators are here. Sending them forward.”
Daffodil turned to see Chuck Roast, the department’s negotiator, duck under the police tape strung across the street. Beside him, so short she just walked beneath the tape, was a lemony unicorn with a bobbing flame mane. She stuck close to Chuck’s side, her ears tucked low.
“Chuck.” The chief gave him a nod. “Thanks for coming so fast. Who’s the filly?”
“Hey Daff'. This is Summer Sweets, my apprentice. She got her cutie mark last week negotiating a standoff at her school playground. Bully wouldn’t give up the swingset until she talked him down.”
“Oh, wow!” A broad smile cracked the chief’s face. “Congratulations!”
A wave of cheers and polite applause followed. A detective ruffled the filly’s mane. The sniper’s ears flapped like semaphores. Summer Sweets blushed at the attention and pressed against Chuck Roast’s side.
“So, what’s the situation?” Chuck asked. He squinted at the donut store.
“Hold-up went wrong. Stallion named Bric-a-brac said he had a pie, wanted access to the vault. Everyone got out but the cashier.”
Chuck nodded. “Does he really have a pie?”
“We think so.”
“Okay. Okay. We can do this.” Chuck closed his eyes and let out a long, slow breath, then took the megaphone from the chief and passed it to Summer Sweets.
“Okay, Sweetie,” he said. “Just like we practiced.”
The filly grabbed the megaphone in her magic. It wobbled a bit, and she propped her front legs on the wagon’s hood for support. She nodded, and the megaphone crackled to life.
“Bric-a-brac! We know you’re in there! We just want to talk!”
Silence responded. All held their breath. Even the wind and birds seemed to freeze.
A loud crack shattered the silence as the donut shop door burst open. Bric-a-brac strode out, one foreleg wrapped around a teenage colt’s neck. In the other he held a trembling cream pie just inches from the colt’s face.
“Stay back!” he shouted. “I’ll do it! I’ll do it!”
“Calm down, Bric-a-brac. Nopony has to get hurt. What do you want?”
“I’m not going back to jail! I want a car and a pardon from the princess!”
“Okay, we can do that,” Sweets said. “But first you need to let that colt go.”
Bric-a-brac’s grip tightened. A curl of cream touched the colt’s cheek, leaving a white smear. “You think I’m stupid? Huh? No! He stays with me!”
“I’ve got a shot,” the sniper whispered.
“Not yet,” Sweets grunted. Then, into the megaphone, “You’re cracking up, Bric! There’s only one good ending here, and that’s if you let the colt go! Now, I’m going to count to three, and—”
But she didn’t get to count to three. Bric-a-brac panicked, or something startled him, and before anypony could move he smashed the pie into the colt’s face. There was a scream, high, that cut off with a wet squelch.
The sniper’s bullet took Bric-a-brac square in the chest. It blossomed with flakey pastry bits and cream, and Bric-a-brac went down with a thud. Police and paramedics swarmed forward.
Summer Sweets stared, her mouth hanging open. The megaphone trembled and fell.
“But, but…” She trailed off with a whimper. “I did...”
“It’s okay,” Chuck Roast said. “It happens. Like, my first seven all ended this way.”
“Heh, yeah, I remember those,” the chief said. “Messy. Anyway, you guys want some donuts? I’m famished.”
The rifle specs are hilariously well done. I went from “Wait, this Equestria has guns?” to “That is fantastic” in the space of a few sentences.
That contrast continues for the rest of the story. The juxtaposition of severity and silliness makes this work very well indeed. Nice work.
That contrast continues for the rest of the story. The juxtaposition of severity and silliness makes this work very well indeed. Nice work.
Oh yes, I like this. Some excellent juxtaposition going on here, always balanced enough to keep the narrative from feeling trite and irrelevant as a result of the more outlandish props. Also, the sense of identity and character that's been crammed into this world with so few words is magnificent.
I do think the prompt might have been better served by the narrative focusing a little more on Summer Sweets; what with the somewhat lengthy set-up, we barely get to spend enough time with her to appreciate the gravity of her situation. I couldn't help but feel that was important with a story like this.
Top stuff. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
I do think the prompt might have been better served by the narrative focusing a little more on Summer Sweets; what with the somewhat lengthy set-up, we barely get to spend enough time with her to appreciate the gravity of her situation. I couldn't help but feel that was important with a story like this.
Top stuff. Thanks for sharing your work with the community.
There's no guns in Equ—
Ah. Carry on. :twilightsmile:
This trope is easily the most ridiculous on the show, and was never repeated for that reason. I felt a deep satisfaction when I crushed it to death in my story that won a Writeoff. I'd like to pretend it isn't canon.
But, as silliness goes, it does what it's supposed to. I think the only issue I have is that the end isn't entirely clear that there is no real carnage. "Paramedics" sends the wrong message when I suspect it's only intended to be light and humorous.
A single high-powered aerodynamic meringue pastry...
Ah. Carry on. :twilightsmile:
This trope is easily the most ridiculous on the show, and was never repeated for that reason. I felt a deep satisfaction when I crushed it to death in my story that won a Writeoff. I'd like to pretend it isn't canon.
But, as silliness goes, it does what it's supposed to. I think the only issue I have is that the end isn't entirely clear that there is no real carnage. "Paramedics" sends the wrong message when I suspect it's only intended to be light and humorous.
This doesn't actually make much sense if you think about it even a little bit, but it is a comedy, and it is pretty funny, so I can ignore that.
I have no other complaints.
I have no other complaints.
Good job. Descriptions especially stand out here. This is deliciously silly.
The only gripe would be the lack of context: what is this piece? Is it a parody? Is it something supposed to happen in Equestria? Is it foal play? In the latter case, you could have it interrupted by the tolling of the bell signalling the end of a recess. I was at a loss placing this story and it detracted something from it at the end.
You like ‘crackled to life’, don't you? :P
Thanks for choosing Bric-à-Brac as a name.
Welcome to the finals.
The only gripe would be the lack of context: what is this piece? Is it a parody? Is it something supposed to happen in Equestria? Is it foal play? In the latter case, you could have it interrupted by the tolling of the bell signalling the end of a recess. I was at a loss placing this story and it detracted something from it at the end.
You like ‘crackled to life’, don't you? :P
Thanks for choosing Bric-à-Brac as a name.
Welcome to the finals.
First, let me say that this story is delightful. It treats the concept of pastry-based weaponry in Equestria with precisely the amount of seriousness it deserves, and I love it for it.
Not only has this story brought a smile to my face, it also made an otherwise slow morning at work quite a bit more interesting. See, I work in the firearms industry (well, firearms-adjacent), and the phrase "contained a hard nougat penetrator" gave me enough pause to wonder what would actually happen if you built and fired a cartridge like this. Would it have the effect described in the story, or would it actually do more damage?
So I sent the relevant paragraph to a coworker (who is both down with the pony and a member of a professional competitive shooting team) via IM. What followed is probably the most entertaining conversation I've yet had at work.
*15 minutes pass*
So, in theory, your cartridge functions as you intended (unless you were shooting at Rarity)! Well done, Writer, and thanks again for making my morning that much more entertaining!
Not only has this story brought a smile to my face, it also made an otherwise slow morning at work quite a bit more interesting. See, I work in the firearms industry (well, firearms-adjacent), and the phrase "contained a hard nougat penetrator" gave me enough pause to wonder what would actually happen if you built and fired a cartridge like this. Would it have the effect described in the story, or would it actually do more damage?
So I sent the relevant paragraph to a coworker (who is both down with the pony and a member of a professional competitive shooting team) via IM. What followed is probably the most entertaining conversation I've yet had at work.
Bavarian Cream
...meringue pastry round...?
lololol
Icenrose
yiss
Was wondering if you had any commentary on the actual efficacy of such a round (assuming it could actually be fired).
Bavarian Cream
not enough mass in the meringue
nougat is a good call though
but a penetrator would have to be carved from a solid nut, like a macadamia
and bonded to a nougat core, and jacketed with fudge for both ballistic coefficient and barrel lubrication
Icenrose
Nice, I like the way you think!
So, what type of force are we talking here? Would it hit hard enough to crack a rib or two, or would it be mostly harmless by the time it crossed the street?
Bavarian Cream
IRL? the velocity required to crack a rib would probably obliterate the round before it left the barrel
Icenrose
Let's assume it managed to leave the barrel without exploding.
Bavarian Cream
right, because magic
Icenrose
Right. ^^
Bavarian Cream
a high density nougat bullet might make it out, but it'd bleed velocity so fast that it'd be harmless i think...
hang on, let me do some math
*15 minutes pass*
Bavarian Cream
Nougat, being an aerated sweetstuff, wouldn't have the density to pierce anything armored with a material more dense than marshmallow
Icenrose
So, just a splatter effect, then.
Bavarian Cream
splatter as in, all over the target, rather than the target being what splatters, yes
So, in theory, your cartridge functions as you intended (unless you were shooting at Rarity)! Well done, Writer, and thanks again for making my morning that much more entertaining!
>>Icenrose
I'd just like to note that moments like this are why I love this fandom.
I'd just like to note that moments like this are why I love this fandom.
The biggest problem I had with this thing was that the whole paramedics thing doesn’t really square with the ridiculousness of them hitting each other with pastries.
The gun was a beautiful thing of silliness, though, and the description of it went from “Ugh, ponies with guns,” to “Lol, ponies with guns” in just a few lines, so well done there.
Overall, the contrast of absurdity with seriousness worked well here, and I liked it on the whole, apart from the weirdness of the paramedics at the end.
The gun was a beautiful thing of silliness, though, and the description of it went from “Ugh, ponies with guns,” to “Lol, ponies with guns” in just a few lines, so well done there.
Overall, the contrast of absurdity with seriousness worked well here, and I liked it on the whole, apart from the weirdness of the paramedics at the end.
Going to jump on some bandwagons here: >>Icenrose, this is gorgeously silly. >>TitaniumDragon is right, the paramedics thing was weird.
Otherwise, I dunno, this is some great top-tier comedy.
Tier: Top Contender
Otherwise, I dunno, this is some great top-tier comedy.
Tier: Top Contender
Normally I don't like silly, but this kept me smiling from beginning to end.
Well played, author. Well played.
Well played, author. Well played.
The Apprentice — A+ — Yep, that’s Equestria, all right. “Look out! He’s got a pie!” Just the right blend of silly and sappy to make it stand out, and the ‘straight out of school’ hostage negotiator is only made better by being straight out of Elementary school. Wonderful concept, done well. If I have any nits, the descriptions need to be smoothed out and the characters touched up just a bit.
One of the great risks of stories like this is that the characters either overreact or don't react enough to the silliness going on around them, making the tale feel a little too artificial. Here though, there was a perfect balance, with the ponies treating the pies and donuts dead seriously, while simultaneously treating a little filly who broke up a playground scuffle as the next true crimestopper. It's a tenuous rope, but this story walked it flawlessly. Definitely one of the best comedic fics in this round.
Well, I'm running out of time, so my reviews shall be briefer than normal, but just as sadly unhelpful. ;>
Okay, I found this brilliant and hilarious. There were so many points where I thought to myself "Hey, wait, that isn't quite right!" where the next paragraph or sentence suddenly clarified it and made me think "Oh yeah. Never mind. That totally fits." Thumbs up!
Okay, I found this brilliant and hilarious. There were so many points where I thought to myself "Hey, wait, that isn't quite right!" where the next paragraph or sentence suddenly clarified it and made me think "Oh yeah. Never mind. That totally fits." Thumbs up!
Heh. I was actually going to comment on how this felt a bit like Big Princess Week – you only really have one joke here, and you tell it immediately. Everything else is just dry action, attempting to capitalize on emphasising the absurdity of the original point. If the original joke actually hits it out of the park for the reader, this can be great, but if not, the entire thing ends up a bit flat. I think it's clear that's not a killer problem, from the other reactions, but I thought I'd throw in the contrasting opinion.
I'm actually kind of thinking back... was The Contest the same way? I recall enjoying that a lot more. I'm not sure if it actually had more sub-jokes, and inherently clever escalations of the theme, or if the basic premise just clicked much more for me.
I'm actually kind of thinking back... was The Contest the same way? I recall enjoying that a lot more. I'm not sure if it actually had more sub-jokes, and inherently clever escalations of the theme, or if the basic premise just clicked much more for me.