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>>Baal Bunny
I'll tell you, it depends very much on the kind of googly-eyed company you keep.
I'll tell you, it depends very much on the kind of googly-eyed company you keep.
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Well, this is impressive. Pantoum form, but much longer than the standard. The only hiccup is the "She learned appeals—not to kings" lines that come up a syllable short. The story feels maybe a little drawn out with lots of exposition. I get the gist from the start that there's some civil unrest, and along with the title, some hints that cooking will tie in to that, but then there's a long stretch in the middle that doesn't mention the baking any, so it loses the thread of what it's about. Of course it's hard to write a rigorous form, period, much less while getting it to tell a story, so it's easy to say this, but maybe weave in the baking more regularly throughout to keep that connection going the whole way?
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I'm kind of stumped as to what this means. Bored students during an economics lecture, I think? But I don't know what the orange is supposed to be symbolic of, and I don't know what's happening at the end. How is it chiming? Is this a dream? The split between the teacher's and students' attitude doesn't seem to come to a point. A few of the lines are a syllable off or have a stress pattern a little off. I do like the mood it creates.
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>>Pascoite
Thanks, Pasco:
How I always manage to miss one metrical glitch in these Writeoff poems, I'll never know, but this one's easily fixed at least. :)
Mike
Thanks, Pasco:
How I always manage to miss one metrical glitch in these Writeoff poems, I'll never know, but this one's easily fixed at least. :)
Mike
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>>Pascoite
Hmm.
A major part of the premise of this poem was left out: the students are children, maybe eleven or twelve. Something like a home economics class. The orange then symbolizes the kind of thoughtlessness kids have, vis-à-vis the large struggle of life with which the teacher is familiar (summer & autumn).
Thanks for reading, as always.
Hmm.
A major part of the premise of this poem was left out: the students are children, maybe eleven or twelve. Something like a home economics class. The orange then symbolizes the kind of thoughtlessness kids have, vis-à-vis the large struggle of life with which the teacher is familiar (summer & autumn).
Thanks for reading, as always.
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If folks want to see:
The final version of this--thanks again, >>Pascoite--it's up on the Silver Blade website with a few alterations and a slight title change, "One Last Pie in the Face."
Mike
The final version of this--thanks again, >>Pascoite--it's up on the Silver Blade website with a few alterations and a slight title change, "One Last Pie in the Face."
Mike