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>>Baal Bunny
I'll tell you, it depends very much on the kind of googly-eyed company you keep.
I'll tell you, it depends very much on the kind of googly-eyed company you keep.
Well, this is impressive. Pantoum form, but much longer than the standard. The only hiccup is the "She learned appeals—not to kings" lines that come up a syllable short. The story feels maybe a little drawn out with lots of exposition. I get the gist from the start that there's some civil unrest, and along with the title, some hints that cooking will tie in to that, but then there's a long stretch in the middle that doesn't mention the baking any, so it loses the thread of what it's about. Of course it's hard to write a rigorous form, period, much less while getting it to tell a story, so it's easy to say this, but maybe weave in the baking more regularly throughout to keep that connection going the whole way?
I'm kind of stumped as to what this means. Bored students during an economics lecture, I think? But I don't know what the orange is supposed to be symbolic of, and I don't know what's happening at the end. How is it chiming? Is this a dream? The split between the teacher's and students' attitude doesn't seem to come to a point. A few of the lines are a syllable off or have a stress pattern a little off. I do like the mood it creates.
>>Pascoite
Thanks, Pasco:
How I always manage to miss one metrical glitch in these Writeoff poems, I'll never know, but this one's easily fixed at least. :)
Mike
Thanks, Pasco:
How I always manage to miss one metrical glitch in these Writeoff poems, I'll never know, but this one's easily fixed at least. :)
Mike
>>Pascoite
Hmm.
A major part of the premise of this poem was left out: the students are children, maybe eleven or twelve. Something like a home economics class. The orange then symbolizes the kind of thoughtlessness kids have, vis-à-vis the large struggle of life with which the teacher is familiar (summer & autumn).
Thanks for reading, as always.
Hmm.
A major part of the premise of this poem was left out: the students are children, maybe eleven or twelve. Something like a home economics class. The orange then symbolizes the kind of thoughtlessness kids have, vis-à-vis the large struggle of life with which the teacher is familiar (summer & autumn).
Thanks for reading, as always.
If folks want to see:
The final version of this--thanks again, >>Pascoite--it's up on the Silver Blade website with a few alterations and a slight title change, "One Last Pie in the Face."
Mike
The final version of this--thanks again, >>Pascoite--it's up on the Silver Blade website with a few alterations and a slight title change, "One Last Pie in the Face."
Mike