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Wriggly Jiggly, My Black Pen - That Jingle Never Leaves Your Head. Sorry, I Was in Napping, A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Infinity, Contained in Inches... Dodge This!
Interesting reversal on Lovecraft tropes, good use of vocabulary. While the beginning is fine as is, I thought that you might've gotten a more poignant beginning if you had instead started with this:
(Modified of course).
I could be wrong, just wanted to throw it out there.
The human home of Earth had long been blessed and cursed with such a presence.
(Modified of course).
I could be wrong, just wanted to throw it out there.
Awww, isn't he cute the way he's snuggling down into that digital pillow? Yes, I really love what you've done with the old homestead here. Fourteen opposable tentacles up.
This left me totally at sea. I don’t know what this is about, if this is a reference to something I’m not familiar with, or simply random stuff.
I mean the dialogue is fine, but it starts from nowhere and doesn’t go anywhere either :p
I mean the dialogue is fine, but it starts from nowhere and doesn’t go anywhere either :p
The plural of nebula is nebulæ, although it is pronounced like ‘nebuli’.
Impermeable holes? You mean impenetrable?
Haha. Nice ending, if a bit difficult to follow (technobabble, you know). I think your style needs a bit a polishing. For example, Through these unfathomable depths roam fearsome and incomprehensible entities, the Deep Old Ones, whose ancient wisdom lies so far out of the human scope of being that the mere sight of them may drive humans insane, babbling about the impossible dimensions or slithering horrors that they had but glimpsed through unhappy circumstance. should be: ‘Through these unfathomable depths roam the Old Ones, fearsome and incomprehensible entities whose ancient wisdom is so alien to man, that the mere sight of one would leave the unlucky bystander insane and babbling about the slithering horror glimpsed at the gate of weird dimensions.’ or sth of the same ilk.
But yeah, the contrast between the bombastic-like paragraphs about Cthulhu-lookalike and the dialogue of the two humans is funny enough, and the reversal of trope was fine. Fine job.
Impermeable holes? You mean impenetrable?
Haha. Nice ending, if a bit difficult to follow (technobabble, you know). I think your style needs a bit a polishing. For example, Through these unfathomable depths roam fearsome and incomprehensible entities, the Deep Old Ones, whose ancient wisdom lies so far out of the human scope of being that the mere sight of them may drive humans insane, babbling about the impossible dimensions or slithering horrors that they had but glimpsed through unhappy circumstance. should be: ‘Through these unfathomable depths roam the Old Ones, fearsome and incomprehensible entities whose ancient wisdom is so alien to man, that the mere sight of one would leave the unlucky bystander insane and babbling about the slithering horror glimpsed at the gate of weird dimensions.’ or sth of the same ilk.
But yeah, the contrast between the bombastic-like paragraphs about Cthulhu-lookalike and the dialogue of the two humans is funny enough, and the reversal of trope was fine. Fine job.
I like this adaptation of Greek myths to the modern day. I do find it odd that a grandmother wouldn't recognize her own grandson. Though I suppose the family trees of immortals get rather lengthy. Nice way to use Luna as well, but it felt more like a meme inclusion. Is she real? Everyone seems to think so, but this is a human world, so Luna exists there? Or they're fooled into thinking a fictional character is real? If the former, it takes a lot more world building to support it, and if the latter, you've missed a great opportunity for an additional joke.
You stuck to Morpheus's perspective well, except in one spot, where you have him recovering from a reverie. Somehow while he was lost in thought, the narration still managed to describe what was going on around him. It doesn't sound like he's in a reverie.
For the most part, it's easy enough to understand. I don't recognize most of these characters, as they're rather obscure ones, so I don't know if there's more context I'd get out of the story by knowing his brothers' backgrounds.
The "kids these days!" humor as applied to gods is funny, and then it transfers to the cringe joke, which is fine, but the the problem is it doesn't go anywhere from there. It kind of has a plateau of discomfort while Morpheus tries to sugar-coat what he has to say, but it essentially ends on the same joke that was made halfway through.
You stuck to Morpheus's perspective well, except in one spot, where you have him recovering from a reverie. Somehow while he was lost in thought, the narration still managed to describe what was going on around him. It doesn't sound like he's in a reverie.
For the most part, it's easy enough to understand. I don't recognize most of these characters, as they're rather obscure ones, so I don't know if there's more context I'd get out of the story by knowing his brothers' backgrounds.
The "kids these days!" humor as applied to gods is funny, and then it transfers to the cringe joke, which is fine, but the the problem is it doesn't go anywhere from there. It kind of has a plateau of discomfort while Morpheus tries to sugar-coat what he has to say, but it essentially ends on the same joke that was made halfway through.
Kind of an absurdist joke. I mean, what are the odds that with all the digital record-keeping, nobody has any documentation of COBOL and is capable of learning it? And what are the odds this one guy does? He'd have to know it from memory, apparently, since nobody has any files of it or can even use the existing machines for trial and error experimentation. But if you can accept that, it leads to a humorous situation. It's telegraphed, in that the pomp of it all certainly felt like it was going to lead to a stupid joke, but it didn't telegraph what the joke would be about, so it does keep up interest.
The setting here could be ripe for polarization, but I was pleased that it stayed mostly neutral. At least until near the end where it did seem to take on one side of the political spectrum. (Not that it matters which direction it leans, but I think it would have been better to remain neutral.) One phrasing felt off: "wreck that whole galaxy havoc." It's "wreak havoc," and is usually phrased more like "wreak havoc on that whole galaxy."
In the end, I think it ends on a weak joke, because it's essentially the same joke it makes at the beginning. I'm not even sure I get the joke. Up front it was saying that God was late Sunday morning as usual, but doesn't suggest why he's late. Then the ending joke seems to be saying he overslept, but then it refers to the afternoon, not the morning. So it suggests a different set of circumstances as to why napping in the afternoon led to all this disaster, though I never understood the why of that. I'm left scratching my head.
In the end, I think it ends on a weak joke, because it's essentially the same joke it makes at the beginning. I'm not even sure I get the joke. Up front it was saying that God was late Sunday morning as usual, but doesn't suggest why he's late. Then the ending joke seems to be saying he overslept, but then it refers to the afternoon, not the morning. So it suggests a different set of circumstances as to why napping in the afternoon led to all this disaster, though I never understood the why of that. I'm left scratching my head.
This went completely over my head. I guess that's a Pinkie stand-in? But I don't understand what she's after, what the donkey's purpose is, or what napping has to do with anything at the end. I'd like to leave something constructive, but I can't tell what you were going for, so I don't know how to help you get there. If it's random for random's sake, I guess you accomplished that, but if I don't understand the joke at the end, then I'm not going to find it funny.
Kind of an FiO treatment of the Lovecraft mythos? Not bad. It has a small perspective problem or two, but nothing to get bent out of shape about. The only notable ones are the odd descriptions of sound you give. As the story is set in CthulhuHy'Lukhu's perspective, he's the one doing this, which makes me wonder how he even knows what those things would sound like, and even I don't know what they sound like. They're such academically abstract things that I can't even begin to decide what that actual sound would be. For absurd humor, maybe, but then I'd suggest keeping up a steadier stream of that than having it as a one-off joke, and have it be an image that's actuall humorous. A flute made of leaves doesn't strike me as funny, but neither can I get anything from the description of what one might sound like. Oh, and the plural of nebula is nebulae (or nebulas).
I do wonder if a lot of the referential stuff is going over my head. I caught enough things I understood, but there was so much of it that it made me think there were some things I didn't even realize were referential.
And for the love of Cthulhu, people, why does nobody in the pony fandom (and its subsequent offshoots) know how to spell "whoa" correctly? Unless the misspelling was an intentional joke about internet culture, in which case, it's really hard to tell that was its purpose.
Cute ending to a Lovecraftian tale, which is an unusual thing to say.
I do wonder if a lot of the referential stuff is going over my head. I caught enough things I understood, but there was so much of it that it made me think there were some things I didn't even realize were referential.
And for the love of Cthulhu, people, why does nobody in the pony fandom (and its subsequent offshoots) know how to spell "whoa" correctly? Unless the misspelling was an intentional joke about internet culture, in which case, it's really hard to tell that was its purpose.
Cute ending to a Lovecraftian tale, which is an unusual thing to say.
This was an odd prompt. Is that a localized expression? I've heard "I was napping" before, but never with the "in" there.
Hehe.
This is fun. Matter of fact, a few weeks ago one of my colleagues showed me an article telling how desperate some banks are to find people competent in Cobol, because the old ones are all retired and the code needs modernising.
What is the message here? Learn assembly and then go to sleep, and in a few thousand years, you’ll be worshipped like a god? :) Not so absurd. My own society is desperately looking for people able to write real-time code in C, a challenge no newbie – even from the beat software schools – seems apt to rise up to.
That being said, there is not much to the story except that joke, which makes it looks like a sort of feghoot. Maybe you could have expanded a bit more or given us more meat to chew on before the final twist, because as it is, it’s a bit scrawny.
On a final note, would you trust someone who wrote faulty software for his own hibernating machine?
This is fun. Matter of fact, a few weeks ago one of my colleagues showed me an article telling how desperate some banks are to find people competent in Cobol, because the old ones are all retired and the code needs modernising.
What is the message here? Learn assembly and then go to sleep, and in a few thousand years, you’ll be worshipped like a god? :) Not so absurd. My own society is desperately looking for people able to write real-time code in C, a challenge no newbie – even from the beat software schools – seems apt to rise up to.
That being said, there is not much to the story except that joke, which makes it looks like a sort of feghoot. Maybe you could have expanded a bit more or given us more meat to chew on before the final twist, because as it is, it’s a bit scrawny.
On a final note, would you trust someone who wrote faulty software for his own hibernating machine?
I agree mostly with what Pasco said here. I commend your imagination for Greek names, but the story is rather confused and frankly hard to follow. I am partly at a loss to pinpoint the conflict and the resolution, though I get the joke about the deprived morality of immortals :p
But apart from that, the story feels overly complex with a lot of characters whose role is not clear, and the arc is hard to single out amidst the profuse lines of dialogue.
But apart from that, the story feels overly complex with a lot of characters whose role is not clear, and the arc is hard to single out amidst the profuse lines of dialogue.
Thanks for reading y'all, not really sure how I pipped georg's story given the vote spread but I'm not going to look too closely at it and just say thanks.
Was good to be back in some small way. I'll try and be around for the next one too.
thx for the reviews Old El Pasco & Princess Mononokeras
>>Pascoite
>>Monokeras
Ditto. I had no idea.
Was good to be back in some small way. I'll try and be around for the next one too.
thx for the reviews Old El Pasco & Princess Mononokeras
>>Pascoite
>>Monokeras
Ditto. I had no idea.
>>Pascoite
Thanks for your comment Pasco.
Also I commend your staunch loyalty to the Writeoff. Your comments are always immensely valuable to me, and I suppose to the others too.
So many thanks for taking the time to write your invaluable feedback.
Thanks for your comment Pasco.
Also I commend your staunch loyalty to the Writeoff. Your comments are always immensely valuable to me, and I suppose to the others too.
So many thanks for taking the time to write your invaluable feedback.
>>Monokeras Having lived through Y2K in the tech world, I'm constantly baffled how our world both has leading bleeding edge programming mixed in with legacy systems running code that pre-dates many of the people in the department. But it *works* and runs the paychecks every month, so nobody dares touch it.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.
>>Pascoite Friends of ours moved to South Dakota about ten years ago. He promptly got a tech job and had to go learn COBOL because their whole codebase ran on it, much like one might get a job at a technical writing company and have to go learn Ancient Greek.
>>Anonymous Potato I can't write compact code or compact stories, so I had to improvise.