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Buyer's Remorse
A tap, a pop, a rustle strokes against
The windowpane, the night outside condensed
To shifting sounds, a sudden creak and moan.
Awake at once, I blink. A xylophone?
Percussion tinkles softly, barely sensed.
The house is new; I'm inexperienced
In ways of ownership, my worries fenced
And listed, dollar signs assigned a groan,
A tap, a pop.
But this? A marching band has just commenced!
Alive, the house is swaying, rising! Tensed,
I throw the window open. Shapes of bone
Ballet about, the music's frenzied tone
A carnival that bursts, is gone! But undispensed?
A tap, a pop.
The windowpane, the night outside condensed
To shifting sounds, a sudden creak and moan.
Awake at once, I blink. A xylophone?
Percussion tinkles softly, barely sensed.
The house is new; I'm inexperienced
In ways of ownership, my worries fenced
And listed, dollar signs assigned a groan,
A tap, a pop.
But this? A marching band has just commenced!
Alive, the house is swaying, rising! Tensed,
I throw the window open. Shapes of bone
Ballet about, the music's frenzied tone
A carnival that bursts, is gone! But undispensed?
A tap, a pop.
The line about "undispensed" confused me. I'm not sure what it meant. Several of the rhymes were very clever. I'm not sure why the middle stanza gets cut short. Because the narrator's thought process gets interrupted by the noise?
At first, I thought this would be thematic with Halloween, especially because some of it does speak to supernatural happenings. In fact, I think it can be taken either way. Is it just metaphor that he likens the litany of sounds to a marching band, or is there an actual one outside, and he simply assumed at first that it was more noises emanating from the house?
As a homeowner myself, and one who's far too attuned to hearing every little thing that might go wrong, this one really speaks to me. My wife hears none of it and would happily let problems get far worse before she noticed them, while I dread every little creak and snap, assuming it's going to be something expensive to fix. In short, when I retire, I'll probably look to move somewhere that maintenance is provided.
At first, I thought this would be thematic with Halloween, especially because some of it does speak to supernatural happenings. In fact, I think it can be taken either way. Is it just metaphor that he likens the litany of sounds to a marching band, or is there an actual one outside, and he simply assumed at first that it was more noises emanating from the house?
As a homeowner myself, and one who's far too attuned to hearing every little thing that might go wrong, this one really speaks to me. My wife hears none of it and would happily let problems get far worse before she noticed them, while I dread every little creak and snap, assuming it's going to be something expensive to fix. In short, when I retire, I'll probably look to move somewhere that maintenance is provided.
The form:
Needs some work with that second-to-last line having extra syllables compared to the rest of the rondeau, and I'd like a little more after the noise climaxes to reinforce the silence implied in last line. But, yeah, things that go twang-brap-oom-pah-pah in the night...
Mike
Needs some work with that second-to-last line having extra syllables compared to the rest of the rondeau, and I'd like a little more after the noise climaxes to reinforce the silence implied in last line. But, yeah, things that go twang-brap-oom-pah-pah in the night...
Mike
A snap, a snip, a clip of clever verse
Upon the page; is meaning undispersed?
Or are the symbols logically condensed
And, 'gainst escape, with metered words enfenced,
Which makes my little comment much too terse,
A snip, a clip.
Upon the page; is meaning undispersed?
Or are the symbols logically condensed
And, 'gainst escape, with metered words enfenced,
Which makes my little comment much too terse,
A snip, a clip.
This was my pick because it makes the most sense to me and I couldn't vote for my own work. It's kinda lame for me because I'm BLAH on home ownership and never worry about the big stuff. It's the little things that will kill and harm you from my warp perspective. It technical better than what I have but it has nothing that appeals to me drama wise and didn't draw me in.
Me, me and me.
Me, me and me.
>>Pascoite
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Griseus
Thanks, folks!
If GGA is saying that the rondeau form might be too constrictive for the story being told here, I think I might agree--if that's not what you're saying, GGA, let me know. But I'd already gotten most of the way through it when it started looking like another line or two would help in the last stanza. Shoulda gone with a sonnet 'cause you can't go wrong with a sonnet! :)
Mike
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Griseus
Thanks, folks!
If GGA is saying that the rondeau form might be too constrictive for the story being told here, I think I might agree--if that's not what you're saying, GGA, let me know. But I'd already gotten most of the way through it when it started looking like another line or two would help in the last stanza. Shoulda gone with a sonnet 'cause you can't go wrong with a sonnet! :)
Mike