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Slamming in the Office
Wicked, say some.
All, really.
Closed-door tact hides opinions.
Wicked.
Also father. Brother. Son. Husband.
No.
Not that.
Not after that time.
Not after the hot boy with the red dress and the office party.
Nineteen, but still a boy, really.
A boy wearing dresses and taking hormones and still not really sure if he wants to be a girl.
(He does.)
But still she mourned.
Still she loved him.
Standing, still with her sons, she lays a rose.
She cries.
Sad tears.
Glad tears.
Finally-it's-over-and-I-can-move-on tears.
No more wondering. No more wist.
No picking up the phone to call and staring at the screen for ten minutes before putting it down and dying.
But only a little.
But not now.
Gone was her love.
Gone is her love.
A step, a rope, a final dance before she's still, and now--
Gone as her love.
All, really.
Closed-door tact hides opinions.
Wicked.
Also father. Brother. Son. Husband.
No.
Not that.
Not after that time.
Not after the hot boy with the red dress and the office party.
Nineteen, but still a boy, really.
A boy wearing dresses and taking hormones and still not really sure if he wants to be a girl.
(He does.)
But still she mourned.
Still she loved him.
Standing, still with her sons, she lays a rose.
She cries.
Sad tears.
Glad tears.
Finally-it's-over-and-I-can-move-on tears.
No more wondering. No more wist.
No picking up the phone to call and staring at the screen for ten minutes before putting it down and dying.
But only a little.
But not now.
Gone was her love.
Gone is her love.
A step, a rope, a final dance before she's still, and now--
Gone as her love.
Kind of a prose poem here, but one that does seem suited to the form. It might feel too choppy if rendered as prose, with all of these separate lines either being run together into paragraphs or each getting its own paragraph. in prose, that too often makes things feel unfocused, while in poetry, frequent line breaks can add emphasis in a way that would make prose seem forced and over-dramatic.
As to meaning... well, this is probably the kind of poem I'm not well-suited for interpreting, because a lot of the subtleties will likely go over my head.
I'm not sure who the person is suffering from gender identity. I can come up with several possibilities, all of which would work in a sympathetic light. That's the thing here: in many cases, different interpretations can either resonate or not, depending on whether they carry much meaning behind them, but in this case, all of the ones I was trying to decide between still make this a sympathetic character. I doubt you meant it that way, because I expect you had a specific meaning in mind that you wanted the reader to pick up. If you did mean it that way, then color me impressed, but even if you didn't, it still works.
I could see this trans character being the narrator herself, who's narrating this death as the passing of her former self. I could see it being someone she was attracted to, which ended up breaking apart her marriage (the language suggesting they were significantly younger, encountered each other at an office party, and there being a husband involved might read that way to me). I could see it being one of her sons. Part of that comes from the phrase "hot boy with the red dress." It immediately makes me think the hot boy is the one wearing the red dress, particularly with the rest of the stanza speaking more about boys wearing dresses, but maybe "with" refers to the party, so the narrator was wearing the red dress and was attracted to a boy she met there?
The ending connotes someone hanging themselves, but I don't know whether that's the trans character, the narrator, or if they're one and the same. I could even see this being a split personality thing, where the person in the red dress is some other persona the narrator has, and she's giving it up. The "gone is her love/gone as her love" juxtaposition seems to say the person died in the form she loved, but again, that could refer to either herself or a separate person. Though the one thing tending to make me think it's not the narrator dying is that she seems to be observing the funeral with other family members much more than being the subject of it.
The father, brother, son litany doesn't speak to someone who's as young as this "hot boy," unless that's a role someone's playing, so this is yet another case where I can't tell whom it describes. The narrator refers to herself as female, but the poem also has a theme of gender lines becoming blurred, so I can't assume that part doesn't refer to her, and...
I'm confused. I really liked this, but I'm confused.
As to meaning... well, this is probably the kind of poem I'm not well-suited for interpreting, because a lot of the subtleties will likely go over my head.
I'm not sure who the person is suffering from gender identity. I can come up with several possibilities, all of which would work in a sympathetic light. That's the thing here: in many cases, different interpretations can either resonate or not, depending on whether they carry much meaning behind them, but in this case, all of the ones I was trying to decide between still make this a sympathetic character. I doubt you meant it that way, because I expect you had a specific meaning in mind that you wanted the reader to pick up. If you did mean it that way, then color me impressed, but even if you didn't, it still works.
I could see this trans character being the narrator herself, who's narrating this death as the passing of her former self. I could see it being someone she was attracted to, which ended up breaking apart her marriage (the language suggesting they were significantly younger, encountered each other at an office party, and there being a husband involved might read that way to me). I could see it being one of her sons. Part of that comes from the phrase "hot boy with the red dress." It immediately makes me think the hot boy is the one wearing the red dress, particularly with the rest of the stanza speaking more about boys wearing dresses, but maybe "with" refers to the party, so the narrator was wearing the red dress and was attracted to a boy she met there?
The ending connotes someone hanging themselves, but I don't know whether that's the trans character, the narrator, or if they're one and the same. I could even see this being a split personality thing, where the person in the red dress is some other persona the narrator has, and she's giving it up. The "gone is her love/gone as her love" juxtaposition seems to say the person died in the form she loved, but again, that could refer to either herself or a separate person. Though the one thing tending to make me think it's not the narrator dying is that she seems to be observing the funeral with other family members much more than being the subject of it.
The father, brother, son litany doesn't speak to someone who's as young as this "hot boy," unless that's a role someone's playing, so this is yet another case where I can't tell whom it describes. The narrator refers to herself as female, but the poem also has a theme of gender lines becoming blurred, so I can't assume that part doesn't refer to her, and...
I'm confused. I really liked this, but I'm confused.
Pascoite provides so many ways to interpret this one; i don't know what's right!
From the title, I assume this is intended as slam poetry, but you probably shouldn't recite it in the office, although I guess that somewhat depends on your office.
I'm not entirely sure how to evaluate slam. Some criteria pulled from Google search results:
So judge whatever the hell I want. Thanks.
You use words (and maybe not-words; looking at you, wist). Your sentences are short and long. Your words are fast and slow (No. Not that. Not after that time.). You use contradiction (dying. But only a little. vs Gone as her love.) So what's missing? Clarity of metaphor. Only, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
I award 🐄 out of 10 points.
From the title, I assume this is intended as slam poetry, but you probably shouldn't recite it in the office, although I guess that somewhat depends on your office.
I'm not entirely sure how to evaluate slam. Some criteria pulled from Google search results:
account, content, performance, delivery, connection with the audiencewell that's not helpful. Trying again.
For some, strong writing may focus on the clever usages of language, the uniqueness of point-of-view or topic, the clarity of metaphor; some may focus on the content of the poem, the passion behind the idea, and the rhyme scheme employed. This is all fine, as long as you are both fair and consistent.
So judge whatever the hell I want. Thanks.
You use words (and maybe not-words; looking at you, wist). Your sentences are short and long. Your words are fast and slow (No. Not that. Not after that time.). You use contradiction (dying. But only a little. vs Gone as her love.) So what's missing? Clarity of metaphor. Only, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
I award 🐄 out of 10 points.
Like >>Pascoite:
I'm not quite sure what's happened here. The woman at the end, is she mourning her husband or her son? Both? Does she kill herself in the last two lines? I can't tell from what's here...
Mike
I'm not quite sure what's happened here. The woman at the end, is she mourning her husband or her son? Both? Does she kill herself in the last two lines? I can't tell from what's here...
Mike
Here we have white bones of meaning, sans textual gritty
Cues that define; wicked, family, loss, transsexuality...
Leaving reader with unresolved emotions clanging--
To wit, an unexpected hanging
Cues that define; wicked, family, loss, transsexuality...
Leaving reader with unresolved emotions clanging--
To wit, an unexpected hanging