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Well, this one does. Kinda.
Once upon a night so spooky, with darkened skies and clouds so gloomy,
Sitting in my living room-y watching TV with a bore,
Hear, did I, a gentle rapping, like my dear own keyboard’s clacking,
Typing, tapping, almost smacking, from beyond my bedroom door.
“It’s in my head, I’m hearing shit. No one’s behind that bedroom door.
I’m hearing shit, and nothing more.”
Then, heard I, a sound so leery, and my mind all boozed and beer-y,
Could made out a voice, so cheery, and cheesy music overborne.
“It’s a Youtube clip; I’m not afraid—of videos that autoplay,
I likely left an open page.” Just that, and nothing more.
“A dank meme, and nothing more.”
Thus thought I, until a moaning, almost like a happy groaning,
Sounded from my empty bedroom, this I swear and sworn.
The moan—a woman’s—clear and lewd, sexual and downright crude,
Banished the chance of Youtube, and left my soul forlorn.
There, for sure, was someone creeping, beyond my bedroom door.
A creep for sure, behind that door.
So kicked, did I, my poor door down, and yelled in a gargantuan sound,
“I’ll beat your ass into the ground! You’ll wish you’rn’t never born!”
My voice rang out, so wild and country, but find did I a sight so sultry:
A dozen windows splayed across my monitors, was porn.
There red-handed sat a raven, consuming all that porn.
A fucking raven, watching porn.
As women, all scantily clad, were screwed by every Tom and Chad,
I swear to god this Raven had, a smile upon its beak, it bore.
Then, I swear and shit you not, it looked at me and fucking talked.
From right then on, my mind was lost—its departure I do mourn.
For everyone with sanity, envy I, and mourn,
Said the Raven, “I like porn.”
How, thought I, could this foul avian, lust for dicks of man’s persuasion.
And blondes, and busty big-assed asians. All of this, and much more.
“Birb,” said I, “Why do you relish, every weird and fucked-up fetish?
Those tentacles are downright hellish! And I think I see some vore!
Please explain this outright madness, and your taste in vore!”
Quoth the Raven, “I like porn.”
“Pervert!” said I, “thing of evil!—pervert still, if bird or devil!—
How can you sit and face my wrath, my anger, and my scorn?
Don’t know how you talk to me; you might just be an SCP,
But I don’t care, ‘cause you’re a creep! You watch too much hardcore!
What have you to say when you are facing all my scorn?
The Raven said, “I still like porn.
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On my keyboard, eyes all glazed, and only thirsts for more.
He sits and browses day and night, and by my monitor’s blue light
He drinks up all the tits and butts and penises galore.
Sleep, try I, but speakers on, he watches more.
At full blast, he watches porn.
Sitting in my living room-y watching TV with a bore,
Hear, did I, a gentle rapping, like my dear own keyboard’s clacking,
Typing, tapping, almost smacking, from beyond my bedroom door.
“It’s in my head, I’m hearing shit. No one’s behind that bedroom door.
I’m hearing shit, and nothing more.”
Then, heard I, a sound so leery, and my mind all boozed and beer-y,
Could made out a voice, so cheery, and cheesy music overborne.
“It’s a Youtube clip; I’m not afraid—of videos that autoplay,
I likely left an open page.” Just that, and nothing more.
“A dank meme, and nothing more.”
Thus thought I, until a moaning, almost like a happy groaning,
Sounded from my empty bedroom, this I swear and sworn.
The moan—a woman’s—clear and lewd, sexual and downright crude,
Banished the chance of Youtube, and left my soul forlorn.
There, for sure, was someone creeping, beyond my bedroom door.
A creep for sure, behind that door.
So kicked, did I, my poor door down, and yelled in a gargantuan sound,
“I’ll beat your ass into the ground! You’ll wish you’rn’t never born!”
My voice rang out, so wild and country, but find did I a sight so sultry:
A dozen windows splayed across my monitors, was porn.
There red-handed sat a raven, consuming all that porn.
A fucking raven, watching porn.
As women, all scantily clad, were screwed by every Tom and Chad,
I swear to god this Raven had, a smile upon its beak, it bore.
Then, I swear and shit you not, it looked at me and fucking talked.
From right then on, my mind was lost—its departure I do mourn.
For everyone with sanity, envy I, and mourn,
Said the Raven, “I like porn.”
How, thought I, could this foul avian, lust for dicks of man’s persuasion.
And blondes, and busty big-assed asians. All of this, and much more.
“Birb,” said I, “Why do you relish, every weird and fucked-up fetish?
Those tentacles are downright hellish! And I think I see some vore!
Please explain this outright madness, and your taste in vore!”
Quoth the Raven, “I like porn.”
“Pervert!” said I, “thing of evil!—pervert still, if bird or devil!—
How can you sit and face my wrath, my anger, and my scorn?
Don’t know how you talk to me; you might just be an SCP,
But I don’t care, ‘cause you’re a creep! You watch too much hardcore!
What have you to say when you are facing all my scorn?
The Raven said, “I still like porn.
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On my keyboard, eyes all glazed, and only thirsts for more.
He sits and browses day and night, and by my monitor’s blue light
He drinks up all the tits and butts and penises galore.
Sleep, try I, but speakers on, he watches more.
At full blast, he watches porn.
Post by
No_Raisin
, deleted
Despite myself, I really like this. It's not filk, as it rewrites what the story's about, while it still follows what's going on in the original pretty faithfully. Many of the rhymes are lazy, and the meter is conceptually something you once thought about including, but to do a perfect job of recreating the original's structure in one day of writing is probably too much to ask. Hell, you didn't even fill out the same number of stanzas, so the storytelling isn't perfectly parallel.
Incidentally, the raven's refrain made me think of the "I like corm" meme.
Even with all that, there's a lot of work that went into coming up with the narrative and beating it into the shape of this poem, with the same stanza arrangement and rhyme scheme, the same gimmick, a similar plot... I'm pretty impressed with what you were able to do. Now if you could whip this into the same length, meter and plot milestones as the original, plus revamp the weaker rhymes, that'd really be impressive.
Up the ballot you go. This was really funny.
Incidentally, the raven's refrain made me think of the "I like corm" meme.
Even with all that, there's a lot of work that went into coming up with the narrative and beating it into the shape of this poem, with the same stanza arrangement and rhyme scheme, the same gimmick, a similar plot... I'm pretty impressed with what you were able to do. Now if you could whip this into the same length, meter and plot milestones as the original, plus revamp the weaker rhymes, that'd really be impressive.
Up the ballot you go. This was really funny.
Okay, this was just dumb. And I'm sure that's exactly what you were going for.
Overall, I thought the jokes came at a good pace, but I'll have to admit that I didn't really find many of them to be outright laugh-out-loud funny. After all, many of them do end up being variations of the same theme, once the crow comes into play. But like I always say, my taste in humor is entirely my own, so take my thoughts just as a data point.
It's cool that you chose to ape the general format of The Raven, and I think that it does a good job setting the reader's expectations of the piece as a whole. But I will have to mention that the title is, well, strikes me as a kind of weak way to link it back to the prompt. I'd almost rather that you ignore the prompt completely at this point.
In the end, this made me roll my eyes, which I think was exactly what you wanted it to do.
Overall, I thought the jokes came at a good pace, but I'll have to admit that I didn't really find many of them to be outright laugh-out-loud funny. After all, many of them do end up being variations of the same theme, once the crow comes into play. But like I always say, my taste in humor is entirely my own, so take my thoughts just as a data point.
It's cool that you chose to ape the general format of The Raven, and I think that it does a good job setting the reader's expectations of the piece as a whole. But I will have to mention that the title is, well, strikes me as a kind of weak way to link it back to the prompt. I'd almost rather that you ignore the prompt completely at this point.
In the end, this made me roll my eyes, which I think was exactly what you wanted it to do.
Genre: Jack(daw)ing it.
When I read this it tickled some funny bone of mine (no not that one) and it had me laughing the whole way through. This is stupid as fuck but I’ll be damned if I didn’t love it. It’s honestly at the very top of my slate, but don’t tell anyone else I said that.
Best line of the competition: “A dank meme, and nothing more.”
When I read this it tickled some funny bone of mine (no not that one) and it had me laughing the whole way through. This is stupid as fuck but I’ll be damned if I didn’t love it. It’s honestly at the very top of my slate, but don’t tell anyone else I said that.
Best line of the competition: “A dank meme, and nothing more.”
Super fucking belated retro time. Oh yeah.
Retro: The pervert bird one
Yeah, so I don't have much of an explanation for this one other than what's probably already very obvious. I got a very dumb idea when I saw the "Halloween Theme" description for this round, and I just had to do it, despite the prompt being literally the opposite of it.
I went and read Poe's The Raven a maybe four or five times aloud before I started writing, and I kept one of the stanzas I thought was most representative of the structure pasted on the same gdoc as reference. Honestly though, I gave up trying to follow most of the beat by the time I got to the third stanza, and I think I finished the rest in about the same amount of time it took for me to write those first three. Poem-ing is hard, ya'll.
>>Pascoite
Yeah, I vaguely entertained a notion in the beginning of making it parallel the original stanza-by-stanza, but that went straight out of the window as soon as actually started working on the first stanza. I'm not cut out for this meticulous beat and repeating rhyming scheme thing, clearly. :P
Glad you still liked the idea of it, though! Thanks for leaving your thoughts!
>>Anon Y Mous
Happy you liked it! I have to admit I was kind of kind of chuckling to myself like an idiot at some of the lines that came to be out of moments of stupid-as-fuck inspiration. So I'm glad that they seemed to have worked for you as well!
>>_Moonshot
>>Nemesis
>>No_Raisin
Thanks for leaving a comment!
Retro: The pervert bird one
Yeah, so I don't have much of an explanation for this one other than what's probably already very obvious. I got a very dumb idea when I saw the "Halloween Theme" description for this round, and I just had to do it, despite the prompt being literally the opposite of it.
I went and read Poe's The Raven a maybe four or five times aloud before I started writing, and I kept one of the stanzas I thought was most representative of the structure pasted on the same gdoc as reference. Honestly though, I gave up trying to follow most of the beat by the time I got to the third stanza, and I think I finished the rest in about the same amount of time it took for me to write those first three. Poem-ing is hard, ya'll.
>>Pascoite
Yeah, I vaguely entertained a notion in the beginning of making it parallel the original stanza-by-stanza, but that went straight out of the window as soon as actually started working on the first stanza. I'm not cut out for this meticulous beat and repeating rhyming scheme thing, clearly. :P
Glad you still liked the idea of it, though! Thanks for leaving your thoughts!
>>Anon Y Mous
Happy you liked it! I have to admit I was kind of kind of chuckling to myself like an idiot at some of the lines that came to be out of moments of stupid-as-fuck inspiration. So I'm glad that they seemed to have worked for you as well!
>>_Moonshot
>>Nemesis
>>No_Raisin
Thanks for leaving a comment!