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Standards and Practices
"They're called orgasms, Rainbow Dash." Cadance tapped her pencil against her notepad, the books lining her office walls and the thick carpet perfect for muffling the sound. "And they're nothing to be ashamed of."
"I know, I know!" Rainbow flipped into a hover above the couch, little lightning flashes popping the air around her. "And I'm not ashamed of, y'know, that happening."
As much as she wanted to arch an eyebrow, Cadance didn't. Instead, she put on her best neutral but encouraging smile the way she always did and wondered just how many more sessions it might take till Rainbow actually started to believe the things that came out of her mouth.
"I mean," Rainbow was going on, her wings a blur behind her, "when Mac and I, y'know, do it, it's, like, the best thing ever! Ever!" She flailed both her front legs. "He's, like, always so gentle and patient and gorgeous! But I...I'm a good filly! And Poppa always said that good fillies, they...they don't like doing...that! But when I'm with Mac, I...I love it! I don't want to love it, but I do! And...and...and—" Her eyes started wavering. "And why does Mac want anything to do with a pony so screwed up in the head as me?"
Cadance had already set down her pencil and was using her magic to lift a box of tissues toward Rainbow. But she was too late: Rainbow burst into tears, her wails becoming more strident and more high-pitched till—
Snapping awake, Cadance bolted upright in bed, Flurry Heart's peevish crying from her crib across the room mixing with the remnants of her dream and making her blink.
"Honey?" The word came slurred from Shining in the dark beside her. "You got that?"
"I—" It took her two or three more blinks before she could get out, "Yes, I...I do."
"It was the oddest thing." Cadance sipped the oatmeal from her spoon. "Do you recall Twilight saying anything about Rainbow Dash being interested in Applejack's brother?"
Shining shook his head. "Frankly, I always thought she was more likely to be interested in Applejack." He gave her a wink and pushed away from the table, his magic plucking his helmet from its stand by the door. "It's Wednesday, so I'll be out marching the new recruits around. I should be back in time for supper, though." He leaned down, touched a kiss to her cheek, said, "Love you, Honey," and turned to go. "Dreams're just weird, but maybe your Aunt Luna can help."
"Maybe." She conjured up a kiss bubble and flicked it from the tip of her horn to pop against the back of his head just as he reached the door, a glowing pink lip-print appearing in the blue of his mane. "Love you, too, Pookums!"
He staggered like he'd been hit with a rock, grinned over his shoulder, stepped out into the hallway, and pulled the door closed behind himself.
Cadance finished her oatmeal, nodded her thanks to Cloves the butler waiting by the side door, then headed upstairs to her new office next to the nursery. Her gaze went to the vials of dragonfire she kept beside her correspondence, but no. It was just one odd dream. Nothing she needed to bother Luna about. Except—
It had been so vivid. She could still see the layout of the room in her mind's eye, could still smell the gardenias that had been arranged in the vase on the table beside her, could still feel the jagged outlines of Rainbow's love for Big Macintosh as clearly as she could feel the various loves of the palace staff bobbing and weaving all around her.
With a shrug, she took the top file from her stack of reports, settled at her desk, and got to work.
"And how does that make you feel?" Cadance asked, bracing herself for the answer that question always sparked.
"Feel?" Fluttershy slammed one hoof into the couch's cushion, her lips pulled back to show more teeth than Cadance thought a pony ought to have. "How the hell do you think it makes me feel? 'Cause I can hear 'em, y'know! Hear 'em laughing behind their hooves when I walk by!" She leaped into her own sort of hover, much shakier than Rainbow's, her whole body seeming to vibrate. "And that's what I wanna feel, you hear me? My fucking hoof smashing their fucking skulls! But no!" She pointed to her own chest. "I'm the nice one, aren't I? Always the meek and mild one! Always the—!"
Something buzzed in her ear, made Cadance jump, her wings spreading and her head snapping from side to side. "Your Majesty?" a tinny voice was saying, and Cadance found herself staring at the little magical intercom she'd installed on her desk when she'd moved her office up here from its former spot just off the throne room so she could be nearby if the nanny called saying that Flurry Heart needed her for any sort of—
"Your Majesty?" the voice said again, shocking her back into focus.
"Yes!" Reaching out, Cadance slapped the spot to activate the intercom. "Yes, Liquid Amber, what is it?"
"Your eleven o'clock meeting, My Lady."
"Eleven—?" She blinked, snapped her gaze up to the clock on the wall, saw the hands pointing to five minutes after eleven though it hadn't even been eight-thirty the last time she'd looked. "Yes! Yes, I'll...I'll be right down!" Leaping to her hooves, she stared at the file open on her desk—the first one she'd taken from her stack—then scrambled through the pile, found the agriculture minister's report that she certainly should've gotten to by now, shook her head to clear it, opened her wings, and took off for the back stairway.
"How are you today, Pinkie?" Cadance asked though she wasn't quite sure why she bothered.
"Hmmmm?" Pinkie lay strewn over the couch like a disused rag doll. "I dunno," she said, her voice as thick and slow as molasses. "What day is it?"
"Well, what days do we have our sessions, Pinkie?"
"Hmmmm?" One ear flicked in that bubble gum bramble of a mane. "Are we having a session?"
"Yes, Pinkie." Her own voice carefully warm and modulated, Cadance took a breath. "And since we have our sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays, what day do you think it might be?"
"Hmmmm?" Flopping her head over, Pinkie actually blinked, something Cadance thought she'd maybe seen three times in their sessions so far. "Thursday's nice, y'know?"
Cadance leaned forward. "And why's that?"
An expression that might someday become a smile started creeping across Pinkie's snout. "'Cause if you stop saying it right at the beginning, you get—" Her tongue shot out, and she blew a wet and slobbery raspberry straight into Cadance's face.
Startled, Cadance hitched backward in her chair and tipped right over onto the floor, crystal cold against her, the ceiling of the palace's private dining room sparkling above her.
But her office ceiling was textured wood, and the floor was carpeted...
"Your Majesty!" Cloves rushed into her field of vision, and she came back to herself, her real self, the self that had faked her way through the agriculture minister's meeting—fortunately, they were always the same, the way the minister was either complaining about too much rain or not enough—then had stopped in here for a quick sandwich before heading back up to her office, her real office, the one with all the paperwork she hadn't gotten to this morning.
Cloves was blinking down at her, so she pushed herself to her hooves and cleared her throat. "Cloves? Can you please tell me what you saw just now?"
His eyes always bulged a little, but now they bulged a lot. "Whatever you want me to have seen, Your Majesty."
"No." She rubbed her forehead. "I want to know, Cloves. I came in here, sat down, and you brought me my lunch." She gestured to the sandwich on its crystal plate, a single bite taken from it. "Then what happened?"
His distress became a salty stink in her nose. "You...you nodded off, Your Majesty," the butler said, barely opening his mouth. "I can only imagine how difficult it must be, administering the entire empire while also seeing to the needs of the newborn princess, so I decided I'd not wake you till the top of the hour if you were still asleep then. But a few moments later, you cried out, leaped up, and...and fell over, My Lady."
Cadance's breathing was slowly coming back to a reasonable rate. "All right," she said, not sure if she was talking to Cloves, herself, or her unseen aunt who had to be lurking around somewhere. Cloves had already righted her chair with his magic, and she took another few breaths before seating herself. "Thank you, Cloves. Could I ask you for one more favor?"
"Anything, Your Majesty."
She nodded to Shining's chair on the other side of the small, round table. "Sit with me, please, while I eat, and tell me about your day."
The butler's eyes bulged even further. "My day, Your Majesty?"
Wracking her brain, she came up with some information about him. "Your wife, Amethyst Ridge, then. Is she still the scheduling supervisor at the jade quarry?"
"Why, yes, Your Majesty!" His face lit up, and Cadance finished her sandwich talking with a real pony about his real life and the lives of his real loved ones.
"And why do you say that?" Cadance asked, absolutely sure that she didn't want to know the answer.
"Because it's true!" Hearing Applejack's Manehattan accent jarred Cadance at every session. "The sort of riff-raff one is forced to associate with in these rural regions, why, it quite takes my breath away." A smile spread across Applejack's face as thin and nasty as a slice from a straight razor. "Of course, the aroma of these bumpkins is more often the cause of that particular effect." With a shiver, Applejack reached for the bottle of hoof sanitizer beside the box of tissues and pumped a dollop onto her fetlock. "I swear, I can hear the germs breeding on their filthy hides!"
Swallowing every other comment that came to her, Cadance asked, "Really?"
"No, not really." The look Applejack gave her absolutely dripped with condescension. "It was a metaphor: do try to keep up, won't you?"
A sneeze jerked Cadance sideways this time, and her blurry vision focused on Flurry Heart lolling in the bed beside her and sucking one rear hoof. "Your Majesty?" a worried voice asked, and she looked over to see Bauxite, the afternoon nanny, tucking a new blanket into Flurry's crib. "Forgive me, ma'am, but are you getting enough sleep?"
"Too much," Cadance muttered. Giving Flurry a kiss, she set her jaw and rolled out of bed. "Thank you for asking, Bauxite," she said at a more normal volume. "I'm just going to see somepony about that, actually." Stepping into the hallway, she moved to her office, grabbed a quill and parchment and a vial of dragonfire, and—
"Did you try?" Cadance asked, somehow not grinding her teeth.
"Try?" Rarity gave a laugh that Cadance was sure could've cracked a mirror with a little training. "And how would you suggest I do that?"
Rather than mentioning any of the pamphlets she knew of that addressed the self-esteem issues—or the possible bipolar disorder—Rarity exhibited so often during their sessions, Cadance instead said, "Surely by this time you must have some thoughts on the matter."
"Thoughts?" Rarity swept a hoof through the air. "I've got nothing but thoughts, not a one of which is at all useful! I mean, to start with, where does one start? A pair of scissors held aloft in my magic, a wide, clean, fresh stretch of fabric before me, and I freeze! What is the first cut to make? And if I choose incorrectly, what do I do then? Go through all the rigmarole of unrolling a new wide, clean, fresh stretch of fabric just so I can probably make a similarly incorrect first cut once again?"
It took some effort not to shout it, but Cadance managed to make that effort. "Don't you have patterns? Design notes that will guide you to—?"
"Notes?" Somehow, Rarity's words were coming out even more shrilly. "And where should I start with them, hmm? What's the first line to draw on a pattern?" Cadance couldn't help wincing, her ears folding at Rarity's screeching bombardment. "And how can I in good conscience waste page after page of parchment, all of them with the wrong first line on them, when—?"
Glass shattered, and Cadance couldn't see, couldn't breathe, green and black smoke and fire swirling around her. "Your Majesty!" several voices called, and magic grabbed her, pulled her back, her eyes clearing enough to show a small but sturdy blaze licking at the front of her desk.
A guard rushed past her, the wind from his beating wings blowing out the flames, and Cadance rolled her head to see a second wide-eyed guard holding her aloft. "We heard a thump and a crash, ma'am," he said, licking his lips. "Did...did you trip?" His horn flickered, and Cadance felt the floor under her hooves again.
"I—" She stopped, her thoughts swirling and spinning like snowflakes in a blizzard. None of this made any sense! What was Aunt Luna doing?
Unless...unless Aunt Luna had nothing to do with it. Had something gone wrong somewhere? Was Aunt Luna trying to send her a message? But what did it means? What could she do? Where could she—?
Catching her breath, Cadance nodded to the guard. "Thank you. I'll also ask you please to run and tell Liquid Amber that I'll need the royal locomotive prepared and the tracks cleared between here and Ponyville. I'm afraid there might be an emergency."
With Twilight sitting in a lump on the couch, her brow wrinkled and her gaze focused on the floor, Cadance almost leaped from her chair, threw her notebook away, and raced for the door. Because as awful as the others were, none of them could compare to her sister-in-law when it came to—
"You'd think," Twilight muttered, her shoulders so tight under her hide, Cadance was sure she would clatter like rattan if she moved, "that I'd be used to it after all this time. But I'm not." Her wings flared. "I mean, how could I be?"
Cadance shivered, forcing her ears not to fold shut.
"I mean—" Twilight's head snapped up, and her eyes were twisted, burning cesspools. "They come into my castle all smiling and laughing like...like they think they're real ponies! It's all I can do not to vomit right there! That damn snow-white hornhead, I swear, if she calls me 'darling' one more time, I'm gonna snap the thing off and shove it so far up her ass, she'll hafta face backwards to cast a spell!" She pounded a hoof into the couch. "Hornheads are the worst, the absolute worst! They can almost trick you into thinking they're real ponies if you let them!"
Go away, Cadance wanted to say. Please just...just go away...
"And those dusters flapping around." Twilight gave a smile like the crack in the shell of a rotten walnut. "At least they're good for getting the cobwebs outta those hard-to-reach corners, right?" Her smile shriveled into a sneer. "Not like those stinking mud-bloods! Things're vermin, creeping and crawling everywhere! It's all I can do not to call the exterminator whenever those two come—"
A steam whistle shrieked, and Cadance did as well, throwing herself to her hooves in the aisle of her still and empty train car, a frantic glance showing her Ponyville station outside the windows. Gasping, she rushed for the door, desperate to see and talk to the real Twilight, to exorcise the image of that horrible mockery from her mind.
The door slid open just as Cadance reached it, and standing there, her mane flowing like the deepest winter midnight, Aunt Luna seemed to fill the frame, her eyes half-closed and looking down at Cadance. "Yes," Aunt Luna said, her voice cold and quiet. "It is rather horrible, isn't it?"
"You...know?" Cadance stared up at her, and anger began heating her middle. "Why are you doing this to me, Auntie?"
A tiny smile pulled Aunt Luna's muzzle, and Cadance was suddenly sitting again, a desk between herself and her aunt, nothing but dark and billowing clouds shifting all around them. "You have a great talent, Cadance, and you've used it to good effect here and there." She waved a hoof lazily, and an image of a teen-aged Cadance and Shining Armor laughing with little Twilight flickered in and out of the shadows. "But you're an adult now." An image of Flurry Heart appeared and disappeared. "And I rather think it's time you graduated to something larger."
Her mind racing as quickly as her heart, Cadance struggled to find words. "So you want me to...what? Become some sort of psychiatrist?"
Luna leaned forward, her forelegs folded atop the desk. "The nightmares I've been sending you: what disturbed you the most about them?"
"Nightmares?" Cadance clung to the word. "You mean they weren't...weren't real? Weren't actual visions of, I don't know, deeply hidden truths or anything like that?"
Sitting back, Luna shrugged. "We all have a certain amount of unpleasantness inside us, don't we?"
Cadance didn't try to stop her jaw from dropping. "You mean Fluttershy's really a sociopath? Twilight's really—?"
"Answer my question first, niece, for I tell you truly that the future of Equestria may hang in the balance." Luna pressed her front hooves together in front of her crescent moon breastplate. "What disturbed you the most about my little scenarios?"
Not really wanting to, Cadance cast her mind back. "Honestly?" She shook her head. "The way I was acting in them." The feelings each dream had inspired flooded over her. "I was being so cynical and uninterested: snarky, even! It was like...like I didn't think I could help, so I didn't even want to try anymore! Friends of mine were obviously in trouble, and I was just...just sitting there wishing their hour was up!" Closing her eyes, she swallowed. "I might not be the best choice for this, Auntie. Whatever this is, I mean..."
A warm hoof touched hers, and Cadance looked up to see that they were back in her train car, sunlight streaming from outside, Luna sitting on the cushioned bench beside her. "In truth, you've just revealed yourself to be the perfect choice." Luna stretched and yawned. "You would never act the way you did in those nightmares any more than Twilight and her friends would act the way they did."
Her ears perked to hear that, but Cadance forced herself to scowl. "Then maybe we can stop with the games, Luna, and you can tell me what exactly is it you want from me?"
The air crackled, and when Luna swung her head around to meet Cadance's gaze, every long century of her aunt's life seemed to resound in her voice. "I want you to become my partner in keeping Equestria safe from destruction," she said.
"Me?" Cadance could only stare for a moment. "But surely Aunt Celestia is—"
"Feh!" Luna flicked a hoof. "My sister knows nothing of this, nothing of the truth." Sighing, she rubbed the base of her horn. "In fact, it's because I love her so dearly that I will never reveal these secrets to her." Her head snapped around again. "And you will never reveal them, either, not to your husband, not to your sister-in-law, not to anypony."
Now that her pulse had almost slowed to normal, Cadance let a little impatience start burning inside her again. "Reveal what to them, Auntie?"
Luna sighed again. "All my life, I've been doing what I can to keep Equestria happy and family friendly and, well, 'rated E for Everypony' is the phrase I've heard whispered on the winds of legend. When I sensed a greater degree of malice or unhappiness in a pony's dreams than seemed appropriate, I would do what I could to guide the dreamer back to understanding and contentment."
Not sure what else to do, Cadance asked, "And this has kept Equestria safe?"
"It has." Something dry and ashen came into Luna's fresh water scent. "But in the thousand years I was away, Equestria got so much larger, so much more complex and interesting. Functioning solely in the realm of dreams, I can't do everything that needs doing anymore. I need a pony who can walk and talk with our subjects in the sunlight, who can feel what they're feeling and help lead them away from thoughts and actions that run contrary to the correct standards and proper practices. For my studies of the realms beyond our own have convinced me that such thoughts and actions might very well jeopardize our world's continued existence." That tiny smile returned to her snout. "What I'm saying, niece, is that I need you."
Again, Cadance tried to think. She'd gotten to know Luna's sense of humor quite well over the past few years, but the love that wafted around her aunt at the moment had nothing to do with pranks or quips or the sly sort of mischief she delighted in. This love was much stronger, possibly more solid and serious than any love Cadance had ever felt: large enough maybe—and the thought made her swallow again—to encompass the whole world and all the ponies in it...
"All I'm asking of you," Luna went on, "is that, when I send to your attention certain ponies who need the sort of warmth and love my dream realm isn't quite set up to convey, you simply treat them as you would any pony who came to you for help." She cocked her head. "What say you, niece?"
Still unsure, Cadance decided to go with her gut. "I'll accept. Under one condition."
Luna blinked. "And that it?"
She jabbed a hoof squarely against her aunt's breastplate. "This little test of yours—or whatever it was—alarmed several ponies who are very dear to me, upset every train schedule from here to the Crystal Empire, and took me away from my baby daughter for nearly the entire day! Ponies have lives, Auntie, and disrupting them the way you've disrupted mine is unacceptable! So yes, I'll help however I can with whatever unhappy ponies you might send my way, but you will not cause this sort of turmoil to any other pony ever again! Is that understood?"
For a moment, Cadance's breath puffing in and out seemed to be the only sound in the carriage. Then Luna threw back her head and laughed. "Excellently said, Cadance! I will offer you and yours my heartfelt apologies, accept your condition, and hereby announce that you and I will be doing wonderful work together!" Luna's eyes flashed, and—
With another gasp, Cadance sat up. Dawn glowed at the curtains, and Shining stood across the room at Flurry Heart's crib, their daughter yawning as tendrils of his magic fastened her into a fresh diaper. "It's okay, Honey." He gave her a grin. "I got her. You go back to sleep."
"I—" She looked quickly at the wall calendar, saw it was Wednesday, realized that she hadn't lost a day after all, and settled back against the pillows with a smile. "Thanks, Pookums. I was just having a long chat with Aunt Luna, apparently."
"I know, I know!" Rainbow flipped into a hover above the couch, little lightning flashes popping the air around her. "And I'm not ashamed of, y'know, that happening."
As much as she wanted to arch an eyebrow, Cadance didn't. Instead, she put on her best neutral but encouraging smile the way she always did and wondered just how many more sessions it might take till Rainbow actually started to believe the things that came out of her mouth.
"I mean," Rainbow was going on, her wings a blur behind her, "when Mac and I, y'know, do it, it's, like, the best thing ever! Ever!" She flailed both her front legs. "He's, like, always so gentle and patient and gorgeous! But I...I'm a good filly! And Poppa always said that good fillies, they...they don't like doing...that! But when I'm with Mac, I...I love it! I don't want to love it, but I do! And...and...and—" Her eyes started wavering. "And why does Mac want anything to do with a pony so screwed up in the head as me?"
Cadance had already set down her pencil and was using her magic to lift a box of tissues toward Rainbow. But she was too late: Rainbow burst into tears, her wails becoming more strident and more high-pitched till—
Snapping awake, Cadance bolted upright in bed, Flurry Heart's peevish crying from her crib across the room mixing with the remnants of her dream and making her blink.
"Honey?" The word came slurred from Shining in the dark beside her. "You got that?"
"I—" It took her two or three more blinks before she could get out, "Yes, I...I do."
"It was the oddest thing." Cadance sipped the oatmeal from her spoon. "Do you recall Twilight saying anything about Rainbow Dash being interested in Applejack's brother?"
Shining shook his head. "Frankly, I always thought she was more likely to be interested in Applejack." He gave her a wink and pushed away from the table, his magic plucking his helmet from its stand by the door. "It's Wednesday, so I'll be out marching the new recruits around. I should be back in time for supper, though." He leaned down, touched a kiss to her cheek, said, "Love you, Honey," and turned to go. "Dreams're just weird, but maybe your Aunt Luna can help."
"Maybe." She conjured up a kiss bubble and flicked it from the tip of her horn to pop against the back of his head just as he reached the door, a glowing pink lip-print appearing in the blue of his mane. "Love you, too, Pookums!"
He staggered like he'd been hit with a rock, grinned over his shoulder, stepped out into the hallway, and pulled the door closed behind himself.
Cadance finished her oatmeal, nodded her thanks to Cloves the butler waiting by the side door, then headed upstairs to her new office next to the nursery. Her gaze went to the vials of dragonfire she kept beside her correspondence, but no. It was just one odd dream. Nothing she needed to bother Luna about. Except—
It had been so vivid. She could still see the layout of the room in her mind's eye, could still smell the gardenias that had been arranged in the vase on the table beside her, could still feel the jagged outlines of Rainbow's love for Big Macintosh as clearly as she could feel the various loves of the palace staff bobbing and weaving all around her.
With a shrug, she took the top file from her stack of reports, settled at her desk, and got to work.
"And how does that make you feel?" Cadance asked, bracing herself for the answer that question always sparked.
"Feel?" Fluttershy slammed one hoof into the couch's cushion, her lips pulled back to show more teeth than Cadance thought a pony ought to have. "How the hell do you think it makes me feel? 'Cause I can hear 'em, y'know! Hear 'em laughing behind their hooves when I walk by!" She leaped into her own sort of hover, much shakier than Rainbow's, her whole body seeming to vibrate. "And that's what I wanna feel, you hear me? My fucking hoof smashing their fucking skulls! But no!" She pointed to her own chest. "I'm the nice one, aren't I? Always the meek and mild one! Always the—!"
Something buzzed in her ear, made Cadance jump, her wings spreading and her head snapping from side to side. "Your Majesty?" a tinny voice was saying, and Cadance found herself staring at the little magical intercom she'd installed on her desk when she'd moved her office up here from its former spot just off the throne room so she could be nearby if the nanny called saying that Flurry Heart needed her for any sort of—
"Your Majesty?" the voice said again, shocking her back into focus.
"Yes!" Reaching out, Cadance slapped the spot to activate the intercom. "Yes, Liquid Amber, what is it?"
"Your eleven o'clock meeting, My Lady."
"Eleven—?" She blinked, snapped her gaze up to the clock on the wall, saw the hands pointing to five minutes after eleven though it hadn't even been eight-thirty the last time she'd looked. "Yes! Yes, I'll...I'll be right down!" Leaping to her hooves, she stared at the file open on her desk—the first one she'd taken from her stack—then scrambled through the pile, found the agriculture minister's report that she certainly should've gotten to by now, shook her head to clear it, opened her wings, and took off for the back stairway.
"How are you today, Pinkie?" Cadance asked though she wasn't quite sure why she bothered.
"Hmmmm?" Pinkie lay strewn over the couch like a disused rag doll. "I dunno," she said, her voice as thick and slow as molasses. "What day is it?"
"Well, what days do we have our sessions, Pinkie?"
"Hmmmm?" One ear flicked in that bubble gum bramble of a mane. "Are we having a session?"
"Yes, Pinkie." Her own voice carefully warm and modulated, Cadance took a breath. "And since we have our sessions on Tuesdays and Thursdays, what day do you think it might be?"
"Hmmmm?" Flopping her head over, Pinkie actually blinked, something Cadance thought she'd maybe seen three times in their sessions so far. "Thursday's nice, y'know?"
Cadance leaned forward. "And why's that?"
An expression that might someday become a smile started creeping across Pinkie's snout. "'Cause if you stop saying it right at the beginning, you get—" Her tongue shot out, and she blew a wet and slobbery raspberry straight into Cadance's face.
Startled, Cadance hitched backward in her chair and tipped right over onto the floor, crystal cold against her, the ceiling of the palace's private dining room sparkling above her.
But her office ceiling was textured wood, and the floor was carpeted...
"Your Majesty!" Cloves rushed into her field of vision, and she came back to herself, her real self, the self that had faked her way through the agriculture minister's meeting—fortunately, they were always the same, the way the minister was either complaining about too much rain or not enough—then had stopped in here for a quick sandwich before heading back up to her office, her real office, the one with all the paperwork she hadn't gotten to this morning.
Cloves was blinking down at her, so she pushed herself to her hooves and cleared her throat. "Cloves? Can you please tell me what you saw just now?"
His eyes always bulged a little, but now they bulged a lot. "Whatever you want me to have seen, Your Majesty."
"No." She rubbed her forehead. "I want to know, Cloves. I came in here, sat down, and you brought me my lunch." She gestured to the sandwich on its crystal plate, a single bite taken from it. "Then what happened?"
His distress became a salty stink in her nose. "You...you nodded off, Your Majesty," the butler said, barely opening his mouth. "I can only imagine how difficult it must be, administering the entire empire while also seeing to the needs of the newborn princess, so I decided I'd not wake you till the top of the hour if you were still asleep then. But a few moments later, you cried out, leaped up, and...and fell over, My Lady."
Cadance's breathing was slowly coming back to a reasonable rate. "All right," she said, not sure if she was talking to Cloves, herself, or her unseen aunt who had to be lurking around somewhere. Cloves had already righted her chair with his magic, and she took another few breaths before seating herself. "Thank you, Cloves. Could I ask you for one more favor?"
"Anything, Your Majesty."
She nodded to Shining's chair on the other side of the small, round table. "Sit with me, please, while I eat, and tell me about your day."
The butler's eyes bulged even further. "My day, Your Majesty?"
Wracking her brain, she came up with some information about him. "Your wife, Amethyst Ridge, then. Is she still the scheduling supervisor at the jade quarry?"
"Why, yes, Your Majesty!" His face lit up, and Cadance finished her sandwich talking with a real pony about his real life and the lives of his real loved ones.
"And why do you say that?" Cadance asked, absolutely sure that she didn't want to know the answer.
"Because it's true!" Hearing Applejack's Manehattan accent jarred Cadance at every session. "The sort of riff-raff one is forced to associate with in these rural regions, why, it quite takes my breath away." A smile spread across Applejack's face as thin and nasty as a slice from a straight razor. "Of course, the aroma of these bumpkins is more often the cause of that particular effect." With a shiver, Applejack reached for the bottle of hoof sanitizer beside the box of tissues and pumped a dollop onto her fetlock. "I swear, I can hear the germs breeding on their filthy hides!"
Swallowing every other comment that came to her, Cadance asked, "Really?"
"No, not really." The look Applejack gave her absolutely dripped with condescension. "It was a metaphor: do try to keep up, won't you?"
A sneeze jerked Cadance sideways this time, and her blurry vision focused on Flurry Heart lolling in the bed beside her and sucking one rear hoof. "Your Majesty?" a worried voice asked, and she looked over to see Bauxite, the afternoon nanny, tucking a new blanket into Flurry's crib. "Forgive me, ma'am, but are you getting enough sleep?"
"Too much," Cadance muttered. Giving Flurry a kiss, she set her jaw and rolled out of bed. "Thank you for asking, Bauxite," she said at a more normal volume. "I'm just going to see somepony about that, actually." Stepping into the hallway, she moved to her office, grabbed a quill and parchment and a vial of dragonfire, and—
"Did you try?" Cadance asked, somehow not grinding her teeth.
"Try?" Rarity gave a laugh that Cadance was sure could've cracked a mirror with a little training. "And how would you suggest I do that?"
Rather than mentioning any of the pamphlets she knew of that addressed the self-esteem issues—or the possible bipolar disorder—Rarity exhibited so often during their sessions, Cadance instead said, "Surely by this time you must have some thoughts on the matter."
"Thoughts?" Rarity swept a hoof through the air. "I've got nothing but thoughts, not a one of which is at all useful! I mean, to start with, where does one start? A pair of scissors held aloft in my magic, a wide, clean, fresh stretch of fabric before me, and I freeze! What is the first cut to make? And if I choose incorrectly, what do I do then? Go through all the rigmarole of unrolling a new wide, clean, fresh stretch of fabric just so I can probably make a similarly incorrect first cut once again?"
It took some effort not to shout it, but Cadance managed to make that effort. "Don't you have patterns? Design notes that will guide you to—?"
"Notes?" Somehow, Rarity's words were coming out even more shrilly. "And where should I start with them, hmm? What's the first line to draw on a pattern?" Cadance couldn't help wincing, her ears folding at Rarity's screeching bombardment. "And how can I in good conscience waste page after page of parchment, all of them with the wrong first line on them, when—?"
Glass shattered, and Cadance couldn't see, couldn't breathe, green and black smoke and fire swirling around her. "Your Majesty!" several voices called, and magic grabbed her, pulled her back, her eyes clearing enough to show a small but sturdy blaze licking at the front of her desk.
A guard rushed past her, the wind from his beating wings blowing out the flames, and Cadance rolled her head to see a second wide-eyed guard holding her aloft. "We heard a thump and a crash, ma'am," he said, licking his lips. "Did...did you trip?" His horn flickered, and Cadance felt the floor under her hooves again.
"I—" She stopped, her thoughts swirling and spinning like snowflakes in a blizzard. None of this made any sense! What was Aunt Luna doing?
Unless...unless Aunt Luna had nothing to do with it. Had something gone wrong somewhere? Was Aunt Luna trying to send her a message? But what did it means? What could she do? Where could she—?
Catching her breath, Cadance nodded to the guard. "Thank you. I'll also ask you please to run and tell Liquid Amber that I'll need the royal locomotive prepared and the tracks cleared between here and Ponyville. I'm afraid there might be an emergency."
With Twilight sitting in a lump on the couch, her brow wrinkled and her gaze focused on the floor, Cadance almost leaped from her chair, threw her notebook away, and raced for the door. Because as awful as the others were, none of them could compare to her sister-in-law when it came to—
"You'd think," Twilight muttered, her shoulders so tight under her hide, Cadance was sure she would clatter like rattan if she moved, "that I'd be used to it after all this time. But I'm not." Her wings flared. "I mean, how could I be?"
Cadance shivered, forcing her ears not to fold shut.
"I mean—" Twilight's head snapped up, and her eyes were twisted, burning cesspools. "They come into my castle all smiling and laughing like...like they think they're real ponies! It's all I can do not to vomit right there! That damn snow-white hornhead, I swear, if she calls me 'darling' one more time, I'm gonna snap the thing off and shove it so far up her ass, she'll hafta face backwards to cast a spell!" She pounded a hoof into the couch. "Hornheads are the worst, the absolute worst! They can almost trick you into thinking they're real ponies if you let them!"
Go away, Cadance wanted to say. Please just...just go away...
"And those dusters flapping around." Twilight gave a smile like the crack in the shell of a rotten walnut. "At least they're good for getting the cobwebs outta those hard-to-reach corners, right?" Her smile shriveled into a sneer. "Not like those stinking mud-bloods! Things're vermin, creeping and crawling everywhere! It's all I can do not to call the exterminator whenever those two come—"
A steam whistle shrieked, and Cadance did as well, throwing herself to her hooves in the aisle of her still and empty train car, a frantic glance showing her Ponyville station outside the windows. Gasping, she rushed for the door, desperate to see and talk to the real Twilight, to exorcise the image of that horrible mockery from her mind.
The door slid open just as Cadance reached it, and standing there, her mane flowing like the deepest winter midnight, Aunt Luna seemed to fill the frame, her eyes half-closed and looking down at Cadance. "Yes," Aunt Luna said, her voice cold and quiet. "It is rather horrible, isn't it?"
"You...know?" Cadance stared up at her, and anger began heating her middle. "Why are you doing this to me, Auntie?"
A tiny smile pulled Aunt Luna's muzzle, and Cadance was suddenly sitting again, a desk between herself and her aunt, nothing but dark and billowing clouds shifting all around them. "You have a great talent, Cadance, and you've used it to good effect here and there." She waved a hoof lazily, and an image of a teen-aged Cadance and Shining Armor laughing with little Twilight flickered in and out of the shadows. "But you're an adult now." An image of Flurry Heart appeared and disappeared. "And I rather think it's time you graduated to something larger."
Her mind racing as quickly as her heart, Cadance struggled to find words. "So you want me to...what? Become some sort of psychiatrist?"
Luna leaned forward, her forelegs folded atop the desk. "The nightmares I've been sending you: what disturbed you the most about them?"
"Nightmares?" Cadance clung to the word. "You mean they weren't...weren't real? Weren't actual visions of, I don't know, deeply hidden truths or anything like that?"
Sitting back, Luna shrugged. "We all have a certain amount of unpleasantness inside us, don't we?"
Cadance didn't try to stop her jaw from dropping. "You mean Fluttershy's really a sociopath? Twilight's really—?"
"Answer my question first, niece, for I tell you truly that the future of Equestria may hang in the balance." Luna pressed her front hooves together in front of her crescent moon breastplate. "What disturbed you the most about my little scenarios?"
Not really wanting to, Cadance cast her mind back. "Honestly?" She shook her head. "The way I was acting in them." The feelings each dream had inspired flooded over her. "I was being so cynical and uninterested: snarky, even! It was like...like I didn't think I could help, so I didn't even want to try anymore! Friends of mine were obviously in trouble, and I was just...just sitting there wishing their hour was up!" Closing her eyes, she swallowed. "I might not be the best choice for this, Auntie. Whatever this is, I mean..."
A warm hoof touched hers, and Cadance looked up to see that they were back in her train car, sunlight streaming from outside, Luna sitting on the cushioned bench beside her. "In truth, you've just revealed yourself to be the perfect choice." Luna stretched and yawned. "You would never act the way you did in those nightmares any more than Twilight and her friends would act the way they did."
Her ears perked to hear that, but Cadance forced herself to scowl. "Then maybe we can stop with the games, Luna, and you can tell me what exactly is it you want from me?"
The air crackled, and when Luna swung her head around to meet Cadance's gaze, every long century of her aunt's life seemed to resound in her voice. "I want you to become my partner in keeping Equestria safe from destruction," she said.
"Me?" Cadance could only stare for a moment. "But surely Aunt Celestia is—"
"Feh!" Luna flicked a hoof. "My sister knows nothing of this, nothing of the truth." Sighing, she rubbed the base of her horn. "In fact, it's because I love her so dearly that I will never reveal these secrets to her." Her head snapped around again. "And you will never reveal them, either, not to your husband, not to your sister-in-law, not to anypony."
Now that her pulse had almost slowed to normal, Cadance let a little impatience start burning inside her again. "Reveal what to them, Auntie?"
Luna sighed again. "All my life, I've been doing what I can to keep Equestria happy and family friendly and, well, 'rated E for Everypony' is the phrase I've heard whispered on the winds of legend. When I sensed a greater degree of malice or unhappiness in a pony's dreams than seemed appropriate, I would do what I could to guide the dreamer back to understanding and contentment."
Not sure what else to do, Cadance asked, "And this has kept Equestria safe?"
"It has." Something dry and ashen came into Luna's fresh water scent. "But in the thousand years I was away, Equestria got so much larger, so much more complex and interesting. Functioning solely in the realm of dreams, I can't do everything that needs doing anymore. I need a pony who can walk and talk with our subjects in the sunlight, who can feel what they're feeling and help lead them away from thoughts and actions that run contrary to the correct standards and proper practices. For my studies of the realms beyond our own have convinced me that such thoughts and actions might very well jeopardize our world's continued existence." That tiny smile returned to her snout. "What I'm saying, niece, is that I need you."
Again, Cadance tried to think. She'd gotten to know Luna's sense of humor quite well over the past few years, but the love that wafted around her aunt at the moment had nothing to do with pranks or quips or the sly sort of mischief she delighted in. This love was much stronger, possibly more solid and serious than any love Cadance had ever felt: large enough maybe—and the thought made her swallow again—to encompass the whole world and all the ponies in it...
"All I'm asking of you," Luna went on, "is that, when I send to your attention certain ponies who need the sort of warmth and love my dream realm isn't quite set up to convey, you simply treat them as you would any pony who came to you for help." She cocked her head. "What say you, niece?"
Still unsure, Cadance decided to go with her gut. "I'll accept. Under one condition."
Luna blinked. "And that it?"
She jabbed a hoof squarely against her aunt's breastplate. "This little test of yours—or whatever it was—alarmed several ponies who are very dear to me, upset every train schedule from here to the Crystal Empire, and took me away from my baby daughter for nearly the entire day! Ponies have lives, Auntie, and disrupting them the way you've disrupted mine is unacceptable! So yes, I'll help however I can with whatever unhappy ponies you might send my way, but you will not cause this sort of turmoil to any other pony ever again! Is that understood?"
For a moment, Cadance's breath puffing in and out seemed to be the only sound in the carriage. Then Luna threw back her head and laughed. "Excellently said, Cadance! I will offer you and yours my heartfelt apologies, accept your condition, and hereby announce that you and I will be doing wonderful work together!" Luna's eyes flashed, and—
With another gasp, Cadance sat up. Dawn glowed at the curtains, and Shining stood across the room at Flurry Heart's crib, their daughter yawning as tendrils of his magic fastened her into a fresh diaper. "It's okay, Honey." He gave her a grin. "I got her. You go back to sleep."
"I—" She looked quickly at the wall calendar, saw it was Wednesday, realized that she hadn't lost a day after all, and settled back against the pillows with a smile. "Thanks, Pookums. I was just having a long chat with Aunt Luna, apparently."
I have a soft spot for fics that tackle an episodic feel.
My only complaint would be that it feels like the set up for a great story about Cadance and Luna guiding ponies away from a dark path in an effort to keep Equestria safe.
Heck, you've got yourself the premise for a buddy cop style show right there. (Luna would be the moustachioed one who's too old for this job.)
My only complaint would be that it feels like the set up for a great story about Cadance and Luna guiding ponies away from a dark path in an effort to keep Equestria safe.
Heck, you've got yourself the premise for a buddy cop style show right there. (Luna would be the moustachioed one who's too old for this job.)
To be frank, I'm fairly conflicted on how to regard this story, mainly because I don't think attention is put forth properly explaining the character motivations of Luna's methods and how they are effective or what "standards and practices" really means contextually to Luna. The whole process seems to me to be eerily similar to brain washing, at least how it is currently explained (when people get negative and "out of line" Luna comes in a dream to subconsciously correct those thoughts) makes the whole business seem a bit sinister than the author likely intended it to be, especially with Shining Armor's line (which ends up being dream!Shining) "Dreams're just weird, but maybe your Aunt Luna can help." I'm aware this is foreshadowing, but in the context in which it occurs, and how I perceive the set-up, it comes across as a bit spooky. This could easily be rewritten to be a visceral sort of horror story with only a few minute changes, and I don't think that's what the author wanted me to leave the story thinking.
Additionally, I feel the hand-waving of Cadance's poor therapy work as "not really her" is a bit of a cop-out and given the set-up as her dream in which she acts as her own agent in an environment Luna manipulates around her, I have no reason to believe that Cadance would not act this way in that situation outside of that one throw-away line. Since the narrative perspective follows Cadance directly, it would be impossible to distinguish her real thoughts and feelings from those supplanted by Luna, leading to sort of a mess where I'm really uncertain on what Cadance really thinks or feels about anything, especially because of the strange "dream within a dream" scenario. Personally, I think that if the author would like to retain the angle that Cadance is not acting as she would in the therapy sessions, then they would either have to have scene written in such a way that Cadance is clearly cognitively dissonant from her actions around her prior to the Luna reveal or have Cadance observe herself at a distance and internally contemplate whether or not the Cadance she sees is really her or not.
The introduction grabbed my attention. Good job. I thought the story was going to be wildly different than it was, but that's inconsequential. Some minor bits with the prose took me out of the story (ex. "Cadance tapped her pencil against her notepad, the books lining her office walls and the thick carpet perfect for muffling the sound." Not sure if this refers to the dialogue prior or the tapping of the pencil, although the pencil tapping wouldn't be substantially muffled to those inside the room and likely inaudible to those outside it, so I don't know why this is mentioned other than supply imagery for the scenery). Another example of some awkward phrasing would be this sentence "Startled, Cadance hitched backward in her chair and tipped right over onto the floor, crystal cold against her, the ceiling of the palace's private dining room sparkling above her" which I understand is hard to write because it's supposed to be transitioning the setting, but I think the action where she is on the palace floor should just be its own sentence. The narrative is generally worded fine, although not particularly imaginatively in its descriptions, and the only issue I have is the aforementioned construction of certain sentences.
Small personal note: when Cadance says "So you want me to...what? Become some sort of psychiatrist?", it would be more appropriate to describe that occupation as a Psychologist or a therapist. A psychiatrist typically does not conduct much therapy and is more involved in diagnosing and prescribing medicine to treat mental illness. Finally my Undergraduate degree in Psychology is worth something .
Of course, I can't really comment on how well the characterizations of the ponies were aside from my aforementioned beefs with Cadance and Luna, because they're purposelessly out of character. Personally, I think, however, that making them (aside from maybe Rarity) so inherently apart from their real selves and over the top makes harder to sell the scene, which yes, I understand is a dream, but robs the humanity from the ponies and the credibility from Luna's concern by virtue of being such a massive extreme. Really, to better serve her point, it would be best for Luna to demonstrate the real negative traits of the ponies when unmitigated through support: Rarity's perfectionism, Rainbow Dash's pride, Twilight's anal-retentiveness, Fluttershy's insecurity, Pinkie's irreverence, and Applejack's workaholic nature (incidentally all traits addressed by the show itself) taken to a disorderly level.
Another question I find myself asking is whether or not this is the first chapter in a larger work, or is it concluded as presented. Not a major concern, but just something to note.
Thoughts to Consider:
-Address Luna more fully. This does not need to be an extended dialogue with excess concentration on pinning down every semantic detail, but it should inform the reader what happens when she doesn't do what she's been doing, what she does, and what authority she conducts it under.
-Add some cognitive dissonance to Cadance as to make her appear more like-able and compassionate, or at least, inform the reader in some way that how she acts in the therapy dreams is not how she would really act
-Tighten up some of the more awkward turns of phrase and consider experimenting more with visceral description
-Perhaps making the mane6 resemble their themselves a bit more
-Writing additional chapters or a scene in which Cadance does what she is instructed in order to demonstrate that the ending is a "life goes on."
Additionally, I feel the hand-waving of Cadance's poor therapy work as "not really her" is a bit of a cop-out and given the set-up as her dream in which she acts as her own agent in an environment Luna manipulates around her, I have no reason to believe that Cadance would not act this way in that situation outside of that one throw-away line. Since the narrative perspective follows Cadance directly, it would be impossible to distinguish her real thoughts and feelings from those supplanted by Luna, leading to sort of a mess where I'm really uncertain on what Cadance really thinks or feels about anything, especially because of the strange "dream within a dream" scenario. Personally, I think that if the author would like to retain the angle that Cadance is not acting as she would in the therapy sessions, then they would either have to have scene written in such a way that Cadance is clearly cognitively dissonant from her actions around her prior to the Luna reveal or have Cadance observe herself at a distance and internally contemplate whether or not the Cadance she sees is really her or not.
The introduction grabbed my attention. Good job. I thought the story was going to be wildly different than it was, but that's inconsequential. Some minor bits with the prose took me out of the story (ex. "Cadance tapped her pencil against her notepad, the books lining her office walls and the thick carpet perfect for muffling the sound." Not sure if this refers to the dialogue prior or the tapping of the pencil, although the pencil tapping wouldn't be substantially muffled to those inside the room and likely inaudible to those outside it, so I don't know why this is mentioned other than supply imagery for the scenery). Another example of some awkward phrasing would be this sentence "Startled, Cadance hitched backward in her chair and tipped right over onto the floor, crystal cold against her, the ceiling of the palace's private dining room sparkling above her" which I understand is hard to write because it's supposed to be transitioning the setting, but I think the action where she is on the palace floor should just be its own sentence. The narrative is generally worded fine, although not particularly imaginatively in its descriptions, and the only issue I have is the aforementioned construction of certain sentences.
Small personal note: when Cadance says "So you want me to...what? Become some sort of psychiatrist?", it would be more appropriate to describe that occupation as a Psychologist or a therapist. A psychiatrist typically does not conduct much therapy and is more involved in diagnosing and prescribing medicine to treat mental illness. Finally my Undergraduate degree in Psychology is worth something .
Of course, I can't really comment on how well the characterizations of the ponies were aside from my aforementioned beefs with Cadance and Luna, because they're purposelessly out of character. Personally, I think, however, that making them (aside from maybe Rarity) so inherently apart from their real selves and over the top makes harder to sell the scene, which yes, I understand is a dream, but robs the humanity from the ponies and the credibility from Luna's concern by virtue of being such a massive extreme. Really, to better serve her point, it would be best for Luna to demonstrate the real negative traits of the ponies when unmitigated through support: Rarity's perfectionism, Rainbow Dash's pride, Twilight's anal-retentiveness, Fluttershy's insecurity, Pinkie's irreverence, and Applejack's workaholic nature (incidentally all traits addressed by the show itself) taken to a disorderly level.
Another question I find myself asking is whether or not this is the first chapter in a larger work, or is it concluded as presented. Not a major concern, but just something to note.
Thoughts to Consider:
-Address Luna more fully. This does not need to be an extended dialogue with excess concentration on pinning down every semantic detail, but it should inform the reader what happens when she doesn't do what she's been doing, what she does, and what authority she conducts it under.
-Add some cognitive dissonance to Cadance as to make her appear more like-able and compassionate, or at least, inform the reader in some way that how she acts in the therapy dreams is not how she would really act
-Tighten up some of the more awkward turns of phrase and consider experimenting more with visceral description
-Perhaps making the mane6 resemble their themselves a bit more
-Writing additional chapters or a scene in which Cadance does what she is instructed in order to demonstrate that the ending is a "life goes on."
That's... quite an opening line.
"Twilight" and her session were particularly uncomfortable. It made me cringe to read it.
This was an interesting experience, but I can't help but feel like I've been jerked around by it. Partially because of the "It was all a dream"-ending (it's a lazy storytelling strategy, especially in stories with Princess Luna), and partially because I understand what "Standards and Practices" refers to and the role it's playing here. I rolled my eyes at it when it came up in the story.
All that aside, though, this is competently written and I was invested in the story. I appreciate how members of her staff had their own flavor, in a manner of speaking. For being background, original characters, they had personalities and were not merely cardboard cutouts for Princess Cadance to talk to.
My advice to you would depend on what your goal with this story is. If you want to give this serious consideration as a publication, I'd recommend reducing or completely removing the references to standards and practices and focus on the role Princess Cadance would be taking on. If the purpose of this story is indeed to make references to standards and practices, I'd say make it a bit more apparent. As it is, it'd likely be too subtle to get its point across.
"Twilight" and her session were particularly uncomfortable. It made me cringe to read it.
This was an interesting experience, but I can't help but feel like I've been jerked around by it. Partially because of the "It was all a dream"-ending (it's a lazy storytelling strategy, especially in stories with Princess Luna), and partially because I understand what "Standards and Practices" refers to and the role it's playing here. I rolled my eyes at it when it came up in the story.
All that aside, though, this is competently written and I was invested in the story. I appreciate how members of her staff had their own flavor, in a manner of speaking. For being background, original characters, they had personalities and were not merely cardboard cutouts for Princess Cadance to talk to.
My advice to you would depend on what your goal with this story is. If you want to give this serious consideration as a publication, I'd recommend reducing or completely removing the references to standards and practices and focus on the role Princess Cadance would be taking on. If the purpose of this story is indeed to make references to standards and practices, I'd say make it a bit more apparent. As it is, it'd likely be too subtle to get its point across.
>>Cassius
Update:
Somehow the fact that this was about S & P went over my head the first time I've read this. Nonetheless, I feel my critiques still apply with this information factored in, but with the segments with the mane6, I think it would be more appropriate for them to be doing things that are blatantly against S & P as opposed to what you have now, and I'm not sure how well the therapy set-up really communicates that end. As an angle for telling a story, directly referencing a real-world law as a character motivation should have more of an edge (comedic, derisive, hammy, or otherwise) and be more in the forefront of the story than a throw-away line that I (and judging from the comments, other people) missed. I mean, it's the title of the story, and you say nary a thing about it, really. It seems very out of place to have that casual breaking of the fourth-wall mainly because although the story wildly diverges from what would be expected in the FiM universal, it is within the context of set-up that allows the reader to dismiss that divergence (i.e. the dreams).
My reaction upon discovering this element of story was one of mild annoyance, and I felt the reference detracted from it rather than added to it. If that was what the story was going to be about, there should have been more a conscientious decision by the author to include that element in the narrative and progression of the story. I don't know, logically, it doesn't seem to follow that Luna would even be able to make such dreams occur, anyways, because of S & P.
Update:
Somehow the fact that this was about S & P went over my head the first time I've read this. Nonetheless, I feel my critiques still apply with this information factored in, but with the segments with the mane6, I think it would be more appropriate for them to be doing things that are blatantly against S & P as opposed to what you have now, and I'm not sure how well the therapy set-up really communicates that end. As an angle for telling a story, directly referencing a real-world law as a character motivation should have more of an edge (comedic, derisive, hammy, or otherwise) and be more in the forefront of the story than a throw-away line that I (and judging from the comments, other people) missed. I mean, it's the title of the story, and you say nary a thing about it, really. It seems very out of place to have that casual breaking of the fourth-wall mainly because although the story wildly diverges from what would be expected in the FiM universal, it is within the context of set-up that allows the reader to dismiss that divergence (i.e. the dreams).
My reaction upon discovering this element of story was one of mild annoyance, and I felt the reference detracted from it rather than added to it. If that was what the story was going to be about, there should have been more a conscientious decision by the author to include that element in the narrative and progression of the story. I don't know, logically, it doesn't seem to follow that Luna would even be able to make such dreams occur, anyways, because of S & P.
So! A story within a story to explain and hand out an invitation. Wait what? It's not exactly like that but it's an actual enlightenment of bringing about a secret service to help monitor and control Equestria's morals and balances. There's a lot of meaning behind this story and rang true to the methodical meanings and processes that the real show brings to us, it's audience. Candence has a dream that was induced and shaped by Luna to show her a lesson. That one sentence sums up the entire story. But what the author did was take this story and stretch out so far that not one bit was wasted. In my regards that actually really neat. It shows how this writer is well rounded in all traits of a story and proves that he can write a good story with a simple idea. Taking something simple and making it complex without it turning into a mental chaotic mess.
POSITIVES
-Induction
This made so much sense. In fact this story could be one of the filler episodes for the original show. It's that good and plays well enough with it's characters that it doesn't seem to miss a beat on the original construction of the canon material given to us in the show. Shining and Cadence did very well for characters and played their parts exactly how I'd imagine them in the show. Even the main six. Though they did seem to have a colorful language that went above a PG-13 rating.The way this all just flowed into Luna's influence made this even more admirable. As it was her way of inviting Cadence to help the land in secret. The strange part is why give the Alicorn of Love a day job to help ponies when the Alicorn of the Day/Sun already does that? It seems to be more so Celestia's job and position to do it rather than an inexperienced alicorn who has an alicorn child to raise and a long forgotten kingdom to watch over. Just saying. The initiative to take these twists turns and angles and turn it into a story that feels so true the same show we all love so much, a must read on my list.
-Inception
Dreams within a dream to give off a moral lesson on service and loyalty. Where have we seen this before? the twist of the story was really creative. Where it shows Cadence what is needed to be done without actually having her wake up form her slumber. In fact she is more so the example of how a troubled pony might end up causing a mishap if they're not looked after. Which is what Luna is asking Cadence to a much bigger scale. The lesson taught here was very well woven to make a beautiful picture. The angle this story takes in is just very well done and thought out. If there was any negatives to it, I'd have to say how the story felt choppy. Which it's understandable as Cadence fades in and out sampling several ponies concerns and thoughts throughout her dreams. More so it wasn't the inception part but the scenes leading up into it. which again is mentioned that Cadence cannot keep focus on what she is doing throughout the day.
NEGATIVES
-Cut-offs
Some of the detailing in the story here actually seem to cut off at the story description? This can cancel out the effect of a passage as it should just tell the reader what is going on or what they have to perceive to better understand the story. Cutting it off for dramatic flair just doesn't work out. You're cutting yourself off thus canceling out your own words. Which feels like you trying to hit the delete key quite often. This is better used through character interaction where characters will lose their own words or meanings due to something that suddenly pops up or for the reason of having their opinions or choices changed on the spot. This is natural for sentient beings as we tend to make wrong choices and try to change it for the right choices. So tell me this author. Did you make a wrong choice anywhere in the story to explain how it's taking place? Did you suddenly change your mind in the middle of your writing just to make it seem something different? I thought about this heavily as you cut yourself off in the details. You shouldn't do that. As with my review in "Not So Sweet" you have to guide your reader through the journey. An unsure leader can be disastrous.
-Detail
The story was good and got it's point across. What felt strange was that it felt choppy. It was missing some detailing that seemed to cut things off. You focused on some details more than others and it shows. You seemed to have ignored minor details and tried showing off more complex ones.One detail that wasn't mentioned in the story but highly shown off due to Cadence falling asleep was that she was tired thanks to the baby and attending to her duties. A small scence or a single sentence where she is tending to her frizzled mane would have made this much smoother. Other details could include the expressions from the mane six as they talked their problems out. Give more adverbs and let me know exactly how each one feels rather than "They're here acting weird and I don't like it." type of deal. Let me know Pinkie has no emotion in her eyes. That they're dead set cold like the stones she used to tend to as a filly. Something small like that would add the zing that would make those moments pop out more. The one that stood out the most was Twilight's rant and Candence's thoughts of running away or yelling at her to stop. Something like that made me crave for more of that fix, man.
-Interaction
The characters themselves did interact with one another but all of it felt like they were dolls. Not really there for a purpose other than to say one or two lines and then get cut off from the rest of the story. Even Shining Armor who I think needed a bit more spotlight to make him seem real not just to Cadence, but to the audience as well. The only times I see true interaction taking place that felt genuine was Luna and Candence's conversation. Again, I want to feel the servant's concerns for her majesty. I want to see them light up or grimace or somehow react in the story to where they feel more than a mannequin. The reason this is up is because you've done such a great job keeping this story together in such a balanced way I couldn't find much to review about. So hopefully this'll add some more kick to your story. Just slight seasoning advice so to speak. I did wanna see more of the sessions between Cadence and the others, but than again. It's your story. Though I'm sure dozing off for a couple of minutes would give way to more content than a passage that takes 60 seconds to read? Hm? I think you could have played with the characters more which would have just made this better to read.
This was actually a fairly good read. It wasn't great in some aspects but it really did feel like a published book ready to go out into the world and share with it's audience. I can see it being shaped into a comic and a real live episode for MLP. It's that good. Now because we've kinda inflated the air a bit. It was missing bits and pieces that could have made it better. Not gonna lie. It won't be my favorite comic issue or my favorite filler episode for that matter. It's a type of content material that would be picked up once and probably never mentioned again unless a movie comes out and Luna is the main reason for things happening. What this story does shine so much though is the fact that it is complex without tripping over itself. It doesn't insult your knowledge of things or force you to research something online. Instead it offers a good wholesome read that is just entertaining to get into. It's just too bad that this is a short story contest and not one of a novel as this would have been a great addition to the start of an MLP book. Just like the show this one is can actually be for a wide amount of audiences. Unlike it's competitors. who only seem to fit a certain category for a certain group.
POSITIVES
-Induction
This made so much sense. In fact this story could be one of the filler episodes for the original show. It's that good and plays well enough with it's characters that it doesn't seem to miss a beat on the original construction of the canon material given to us in the show. Shining and Cadence did very well for characters and played their parts exactly how I'd imagine them in the show. Even the main six. Though they did seem to have a colorful language that went above a PG-13 rating.The way this all just flowed into Luna's influence made this even more admirable. As it was her way of inviting Cadence to help the land in secret. The strange part is why give the Alicorn of Love a day job to help ponies when the Alicorn of the Day/Sun already does that? It seems to be more so Celestia's job and position to do it rather than an inexperienced alicorn who has an alicorn child to raise and a long forgotten kingdom to watch over. Just saying. The initiative to take these twists turns and angles and turn it into a story that feels so true the same show we all love so much, a must read on my list.
-Inception
Dreams within a dream to give off a moral lesson on service and loyalty. Where have we seen this before? the twist of the story was really creative. Where it shows Cadence what is needed to be done without actually having her wake up form her slumber. In fact she is more so the example of how a troubled pony might end up causing a mishap if they're not looked after. Which is what Luna is asking Cadence to a much bigger scale. The lesson taught here was very well woven to make a beautiful picture. The angle this story takes in is just very well done and thought out. If there was any negatives to it, I'd have to say how the story felt choppy. Which it's understandable as Cadence fades in and out sampling several ponies concerns and thoughts throughout her dreams. More so it wasn't the inception part but the scenes leading up into it. which again is mentioned that Cadence cannot keep focus on what she is doing throughout the day.
NEGATIVES
-Cut-offs
Some of the detailing in the story here actually seem to cut off at the story description? This can cancel out the effect of a passage as it should just tell the reader what is going on or what they have to perceive to better understand the story. Cutting it off for dramatic flair just doesn't work out. You're cutting yourself off thus canceling out your own words. Which feels like you trying to hit the delete key quite often. This is better used through character interaction where characters will lose their own words or meanings due to something that suddenly pops up or for the reason of having their opinions or choices changed on the spot. This is natural for sentient beings as we tend to make wrong choices and try to change it for the right choices. So tell me this author. Did you make a wrong choice anywhere in the story to explain how it's taking place? Did you suddenly change your mind in the middle of your writing just to make it seem something different? I thought about this heavily as you cut yourself off in the details. You shouldn't do that. As with my review in "Not So Sweet" you have to guide your reader through the journey. An unsure leader can be disastrous.
-Detail
The story was good and got it's point across. What felt strange was that it felt choppy. It was missing some detailing that seemed to cut things off. You focused on some details more than others and it shows. You seemed to have ignored minor details and tried showing off more complex ones.One detail that wasn't mentioned in the story but highly shown off due to Cadence falling asleep was that she was tired thanks to the baby and attending to her duties. A small scence or a single sentence where she is tending to her frizzled mane would have made this much smoother. Other details could include the expressions from the mane six as they talked their problems out. Give more adverbs and let me know exactly how each one feels rather than "They're here acting weird and I don't like it." type of deal. Let me know Pinkie has no emotion in her eyes. That they're dead set cold like the stones she used to tend to as a filly. Something small like that would add the zing that would make those moments pop out more. The one that stood out the most was Twilight's rant and Candence's thoughts of running away or yelling at her to stop. Something like that made me crave for more of that fix, man.
-Interaction
The characters themselves did interact with one another but all of it felt like they were dolls. Not really there for a purpose other than to say one or two lines and then get cut off from the rest of the story. Even Shining Armor who I think needed a bit more spotlight to make him seem real not just to Cadence, but to the audience as well. The only times I see true interaction taking place that felt genuine was Luna and Candence's conversation. Again, I want to feel the servant's concerns for her majesty. I want to see them light up or grimace or somehow react in the story to where they feel more than a mannequin. The reason this is up is because you've done such a great job keeping this story together in such a balanced way I couldn't find much to review about. So hopefully this'll add some more kick to your story. Just slight seasoning advice so to speak. I did wanna see more of the sessions between Cadence and the others, but than again. It's your story. Though I'm sure dozing off for a couple of minutes would give way to more content than a passage that takes 60 seconds to read? Hm? I think you could have played with the characters more which would have just made this better to read.
This was actually a fairly good read. It wasn't great in some aspects but it really did feel like a published book ready to go out into the world and share with it's audience. I can see it being shaped into a comic and a real live episode for MLP. It's that good. Now because we've kinda inflated the air a bit. It was missing bits and pieces that could have made it better. Not gonna lie. It won't be my favorite comic issue or my favorite filler episode for that matter. It's a type of content material that would be picked up once and probably never mentioned again unless a movie comes out and Luna is the main reason for things happening. What this story does shine so much though is the fact that it is complex without tripping over itself. It doesn't insult your knowledge of things or force you to research something online. Instead it offers a good wholesome read that is just entertaining to get into. It's just too bad that this is a short story contest and not one of a novel as this would have been a great addition to the start of an MLP book. Just like the show this one is can actually be for a wide amount of audiences. Unlike it's competitors. who only seem to fit a certain category for a certain group.
It's always weird when there's meta-narratives going on and this one is no exception. I mean, on one hand, sure, Luna is right - Equestria's continued commercial existence depends on it remaining kid-friendly.
On the other hand, if you keep going meta, well, there are an ever-growing number of Equestrias and a goodly number of them are very very much not family friendly. I mean some of them, well...
Some of them, y'know, it'd probably be better to live through some of the more unpleasant parts of WW2 than to be stuck in.
Dunno where I'm going with this comment. The Dream Warriors idea was fun, but I thiiink it'd work better if you make the 'Studio Executives' bit a little more buried ala Cabin in the Woods did.
On the other hand, if you keep going meta, well, there are an ever-growing number of Equestrias and a goodly number of them are very very much not family friendly. I mean some of them, well...
Some of them, y'know, it'd probably be better to live through some of the more unpleasant parts of WW2 than to be stuck in.
Dunno where I'm going with this comment. The Dream Warriors idea was fun, but I thiiink it'd work better if you make the 'Studio Executives' bit a little more buried ala Cabin in the Woods did.
It's a little humbling and a little cool — speaking as an author who has only missed the finals twice in the history of the Writeoffs — to have read all the finalists and be able to say, "Yeah, even the one that I'm ranking lowest on my slate was a better story than the one I submitted." I think that's a mark of how far the Writeoffs have come, to have such universally strong contenders among the second round, and even more strong stories (not talking about mine here) missing the cut.
Great job, everyone. ^.^
That said, let's take a look at "Standards and Practices". While this isn't a bad story, it definitely has some places where it needs work. Most of them have been covered by the other commenters (the "it was all a dream", the incompleteness feeling of the plot, S&P needing to be a bigger deal than it is). For me, though, the most disorienting moments were the ones where it felt like the story was suddenly breaking the fourth wall:
I'm not sure why "snarky" bugs me so, and it feels nitpicky, but I just cannot see it as something a pony would say — and here it's coming, not even from nightmare Cadence, but from the one in the S&P-adhering world. And citing ratings is just straight-up meta. Not that you couldn't do a solid examination of that premise, but to have it be the only instance of medium awareness makes it stand out like a sore thumb; Luna here probably needs to talk about the concept in more Equestrian terms, and you might need to refine your lampshade about the fate of theshow world hanging in the balance.
What do I like here? Strong hook, generally solid writing (though I spent a lot of time confused about what was dream and what was real, which might have been the point but wasn't fun as a reader), interesting character takes. Pull your central premise together with some editing.
Tier: Almost There
Great job, everyone. ^.^
That said, let's take a look at "Standards and Practices". While this isn't a bad story, it definitely has some places where it needs work. Most of them have been covered by the other commenters (the "it was all a dream", the incompleteness feeling of the plot, S&P needing to be a bigger deal than it is). For me, though, the most disorienting moments were the ones where it felt like the story was suddenly breaking the fourth wall:
"I was being so cynical and uninterested: snarky, even!"
"'rated E for Everypony' is the phrase I've heard whispered on the winds of legend."
I'm not sure why "snarky" bugs me so, and it feels nitpicky, but I just cannot see it as something a pony would say — and here it's coming, not even from nightmare Cadence, but from the one in the S&P-adhering world. And citing ratings is just straight-up meta. Not that you couldn't do a solid examination of that premise, but to have it be the only instance of medium awareness makes it stand out like a sore thumb; Luna here probably needs to talk about the concept in more Equestrian terms, and you might need to refine your lampshade about the fate of the
What do I like here? Strong hook, generally solid writing (though I spent a lot of time confused about what was dream and what was real, which might have been the point but wasn't fun as a reader), interesting character takes. Pull your central premise together with some editing.
Tier: Almost There
What's here on the screen:
Is pretty much a spackle job. I kept changing the concept as I wrote, then I'd go back and try to rework what I already had to fit the new concept. I'm pretty sure there's a story in here somewhere, but this isn't anywhere near it yet. My dislike of meta makes me want to throw the whole thing out, but another part of me feels like I need to explore ideas that I dislike and see what I can do with them.
So if this ever appears on FimFiction, it'll likely be quite different--maybe Luna and Cadance teaming up against the S&P "ponies in black" who are running around Equestria reworking ponies' brains when they get too far out of alignment. I dunno at this point, and I'm juggling way too many penguins right now to put this anywhere but the back burner: I've got a story with a May 15th deadline, then I'd like to get the fifth chapter of "A Great Wall" finished before the end of the month, et cetera, et cetera.
Mike
Is pretty much a spackle job. I kept changing the concept as I wrote, then I'd go back and try to rework what I already had to fit the new concept. I'm pretty sure there's a story in here somewhere, but this isn't anywhere near it yet. My dislike of meta makes me want to throw the whole thing out, but another part of me feels like I need to explore ideas that I dislike and see what I can do with them.
So if this ever appears on FimFiction, it'll likely be quite different--maybe Luna and Cadance teaming up against the S&P "ponies in black" who are running around Equestria reworking ponies' brains when they get too far out of alignment. I dunno at this point, and I'm juggling way too many penguins right now to put this anywhere but the back burner: I've got a story with a May 15th deadline, then I'd like to get the fifth chapter of "A Great Wall" finished before the end of the month, et cetera, et cetera.
Mike