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Ribbon
FiM Pic
18th
37%
96
She rises from the ashes
Ribbon
Original Minific
28th
54%
94
Wounds
#1725 · 3
·
Task completed. Actually wrote in a new style for a bit. It was weird.
#1747 · 3
· on Might Make Right · >>horizon >>horizon
I can see what you was trying to do, it's not terrible. It has potential.

Of course, with Garble, you went in hard, pushed drama out of the way and threw yourself into the waiting arms of super drama.

Also this is Equestria. Mind control is both cheap and readily available without a prescription. And one of Twilight's most valued tricks.
#1748 · 3
· on Not On the Outside
Okay, that is a good Star Swirl. Like dang.

Dawn's issues are unclear and they leave me emotionally unconnected. But this at the same time, possibly unintentionally, leaves me in the same spot as Clover. Trying to deal with a problem that she doesn't fully comprehend.

Earned or accidental you get points for realism in your story about magical brightly coloured equines.
#9601 · 3
· on There's a Hole in My Chest · >>horizon >>Chris
I really don't think this is a metaphor or a comedy. The setup to all the jokes are people asking what the metaphor or joke is and the punchline every time is that there isn't one.

You're playing out the story in the critique. Which is in a way hilarious and also infuriating.
#1741 · 2
· on Truth Unwanted
The rate of typo's in this is painful. I will assume it is thus because you spat the entire thing out in less then 6 hours and didn't have time to read it.

Now there are some story problems...

You never explained why Luna has to be repeatedly killed.
If Luna exists in a state of perpetual death and recreation then... Celestia doesn't have to banish her and can just kill her and make a non-Nightmare Moon version.
Luna skeletons look like regular generic alicorn skeletons if they don't have some meat on them.
If Luna is not Celestia's sister then Celestia cannot be Luna's sister. It's a mutual relationship.

Despite writing Discord properly you used him in the worst possible way, namely as a higher power to force the resolution of the story. He is a giant crutch holding up the back end of your story.
#1742 · 2
· on Miracle
Sweet, heartwarming and over all okay. Just a solid and craftsman like pony story.

Bland and safe though.
#1743 · 2
· on Foundation · >>ZaidValRoa
This is not a story, so much as a cute thing that happened.

I mean, sure Twilight pretends the situation has dire gravitas and import while the royal sisters glance nervously at each other and inch backwards but really the whole thing is status quo from start to finish.
#1756 · 2
· on Only, Only, Only You
2000 words of 7-8 syllable couplets.

The actual content density was lower then could be expected out of an equal volume of bloated purple prose. Which is odd because poetry is supposed to be higher density and be reliant on vague suggestion rather then explicit statement.
#1761 · 2
· on TrixGlam
Light hearted and funny, solid Trixie characterization with accurate depictions of Royal Guard life.

The end came off kinda weak in execution and probably would have benefited from an absence of shipping up to that point.
#1829 · 2
· on Modern Farming Techniques of Earth Ponies
It's okay but there are some issues.

The strength of the Apple gibberish is decidedly lacking and after reading the Rarijack section there is a decided absence of romantic build up.

Applejack waxing on like a lovestruck filly was pretty cool though.