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I really don't think this is a metaphor or a comedy. The setup to all the jokes are people asking what the metaphor or joke is and the punchline every time is that there isn't one.
You're playing out the story in the critique. Which is in a way hilarious and also infuriating.
You're playing out the story in the critique. Which is in a way hilarious and also infuriating.
These are some good words, as good as I have seen. While the story of the banker and the devil is far from original this rendition is solid and well crafted.
The smooth talking flesh and blood Avi in a tailored suit does however lack somewhat in comparison to more intangible terrors. So much that I wonder if you might have been better served by a yet more mundane manner of villain.
The smooth talking flesh and blood Avi in a tailored suit does however lack somewhat in comparison to more intangible terrors. So much that I wonder if you might have been better served by a yet more mundane manner of villain.
Hmm. You lean a little heavily on the limits of copy and paste here and I'm pretty sure I skipped over at least half of the story. Putting words on the page that I don't want to read and you don't want to write is bad form.
The eternal champion who fights all comers knows ahead of time that they will eventually fail. Be it to loose stone, a grain of sand in their eye or ill-timed sneeze.
Still I think it is pretty okay.
The eternal champion who fights all comers knows ahead of time that they will eventually fail. Be it to loose stone, a grain of sand in their eye or ill-timed sneeze.
Still I think it is pretty okay.
Ah, the lunacy of normalcy in the face of the unexplainable.
There could have been a brief scene where the man with the hole in his chest attempts to disbelieve the normalcy and touches upon the horrifying reality of the situation only to put it out of his mind for a moment.
Or for a brief time noticing just how many people are walking around with random tentacles and crab claws attached to them.
But the possibility of a perfectly sane human escaping the limits of the normal might have hurt the story.
Oh, a doctor would have probably mentioned about the hole slicing through the spinal cord before commenting on the structural integrity of the sternum.
There could have been a brief scene where the man with the hole in his chest attempts to disbelieve the normalcy and touches upon the horrifying reality of the situation only to put it out of his mind for a moment.
Or for a brief time noticing just how many people are walking around with random tentacles and crab claws attached to them.
But the possibility of a perfectly sane human escaping the limits of the normal might have hurt the story.
Oh, a doctor would have probably mentioned about the hole slicing through the spinal cord before commenting on the structural integrity of the sternum.
>>horizon
Lovecraftian fics often have heroes that were big burly brawlers that never get into a fist fight. It's part of the "out of your element" aspect of the story.
Curiously I didn't add any red herrings at all. I get that it doesn't make a lot of sense without any explanation. But hey, archeology and lovecraft. I am double protected from having to explain any of it... Unless I include scenes where the archaeologists discuss things and get them wrong? Except they would get less wrong as time goes by and the madness sunk in...
Bones are generally moist from a freshly slaughtered animal. Most predators break bones open to get to the marrow and those that are unable to do so certainly clean the surface of the bone clean while picking away every scrap of meat. It's basically the difference between using your teeth and using a knife. Don't worry about not catching onto that point, Jiggery didn't either.
>>Dafaddah
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Everyday
>>Bachiavellian
I think I can solve the problem of too many short scenes by adding more short scenes. I mean slightly longer scenes detailing growing relationships between Jiggery and some of the Archaeologists. This would add texture to the story as then scenes wouldn't always end with "Duh Dun!" and also add some punch to the thing at the end.
>>Morning Sun
pst. It was humans.
Lovecraftian fics often have heroes that were big burly brawlers that never get into a fist fight. It's part of the "out of your element" aspect of the story.
Curiously I didn't add any red herrings at all. I get that it doesn't make a lot of sense without any explanation. But hey, archeology and lovecraft. I am double protected from having to explain any of it... Unless I include scenes where the archaeologists discuss things and get them wrong? Except they would get less wrong as time goes by and the madness sunk in...
Bones are generally moist from a freshly slaughtered animal. Most predators break bones open to get to the marrow and those that are unable to do so certainly clean the surface of the bone clean while picking away every scrap of meat. It's basically the difference between using your teeth and using a knife. Don't worry about not catching onto that point, Jiggery didn't either.
>>Dafaddah
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Everyday
>>Bachiavellian
I think I can solve the problem of too many short scenes by adding more short scenes. I mean slightly longer scenes detailing growing relationships between Jiggery and some of the Archaeologists. This would add texture to the story as then scenes wouldn't always end with "Duh Dun!" and also add some punch to the thing at the end.
>>Morning Sun
pst. It was humans.
It's a downer that both of my stories fell short.
>>horizon
There is a thing that happens when you have worked long and hard enough, where your brain starts pumping out endorphins like mad just to keep you on your feet. It is very giddy, wobbly and carefree.
>>The_Letter_J
The Rarity scene is essential to core theme of the story.
AJ having unnamed family members isn't a twist, so much as a thing you didn't know. To be a twist it has to change the nature of the story up to that point.
>>NightLord
AJ being a jackass to Carrot Top is supposed to be odd.
Having a scene where Applebloom gets to learn that the dead are really gone for ever and Istar having died blaming Applebloom for her demise will always blame her for that until the end of time is an interesting scene to be sure. If I was going to expand this into a novel size story I might include a scene like that, but this is a short story and as such cannot contain scenes that have nothing to do with the central theme.
>>Morning Sun
Listen... I cannot write "And this was an allegory for industrialization of modern farms and the relationship between large family farms and small subsistence family farms" at the end. That would be stupid.
But... I could acknowledge that none of my readers are likely to have considered how exactly Industrialization of the agricultural sector has radically changed the shape of the entire world forever. I could inject a series of metaphors comparing Applejack to an engine throughout the fic as an attempt to hammer the concept into the readers head.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Granny Smith is over 300 years old. That means she would have been over 120 when Gravenstein started the whole thing.
>>horizon
There is a thing that happens when you have worked long and hard enough, where your brain starts pumping out endorphins like mad just to keep you on your feet. It is very giddy, wobbly and carefree.
>>The_Letter_J
The Rarity scene is essential to core theme of the story.
AJ having unnamed family members isn't a twist, so much as a thing you didn't know. To be a twist it has to change the nature of the story up to that point.
>>NightLord
AJ being a jackass to Carrot Top is supposed to be odd.
Having a scene where Applebloom gets to learn that the dead are really gone for ever and Istar having died blaming Applebloom for her demise will always blame her for that until the end of time is an interesting scene to be sure. If I was going to expand this into a novel size story I might include a scene like that, but this is a short story and as such cannot contain scenes that have nothing to do with the central theme.
>>Morning Sun
Listen... I cannot write "And this was an allegory for industrialization of modern farms and the relationship between large family farms and small subsistence family farms" at the end. That would be stupid.
But... I could acknowledge that none of my readers are likely to have considered how exactly Industrialization of the agricultural sector has radically changed the shape of the entire world forever. I could inject a series of metaphors comparing Applejack to an engine throughout the fic as an attempt to hammer the concept into the readers head.
>>TheCyanRecluse
Granny Smith is over 300 years old. That means she would have been over 120 when Gravenstein started the whole thing.
For how much story there is here the general absence of a back and forth or a changing of gears makes it feel dense and inert.
Even if the story is narrated by a single character without interruption by an outside force the story can still experience the shifts in mood and foolish tangents of that single character.
Regardless, this is an exceedingly well done story.
Even if the story is narrated by a single character without interruption by an outside force the story can still experience the shifts in mood and foolish tangents of that single character.
Regardless, this is an exceedingly well done story.
It's okay but there are some issues.
The strength of the Apple gibberish is decidedly lacking and after reading the Rarijack section there is a decided absence of romantic build up.
Applejack waxing on like a lovestruck filly was pretty cool though.
The strength of the Apple gibberish is decidedly lacking and after reading the Rarijack section there is a decided absence of romantic build up.
Applejack waxing on like a lovestruck filly was pretty cool though.
This is a difficult story to Critique. I can say that it is good but I can't define where it is laking.
The emulation of show style is nearly perfect. But in your pursuit of it have you lost your own voice?
The emulation of show style is nearly perfect. But in your pursuit of it have you lost your own voice?
Solid work.
It would be better if Spike read a letter from a Noble using the honest straightforward approach including phrases like "matrimonial cohabitation" "Issue of heir" and "transfer of land"
It would be better if Spike read a letter from a Noble using the honest straightforward approach including phrases like "matrimonial cohabitation" "Issue of heir" and "transfer of land"
There are significant issues with this story.
The journals are the backbone of this story and if you can get them dry and professional enough and into a coherent voice you can get this story up to "interesting but flawed."
Just remember that the journals do not exist to tell the story but to catalog events in order and you should do fine.
The journals are the backbone of this story and if you can get them dry and professional enough and into a coherent voice you can get this story up to "interesting but flawed."
Just remember that the journals do not exist to tell the story but to catalog events in order and you should do fine.
I've seen this story a few times, and this a pretty decent rendition. Characters are solid and the dialogue is good.
But you didn't add anything to it.
But you didn't add anything to it.
2000 words of 7-8 syllable couplets.
The actual content density was lower then could be expected out of an equal volume of bloated purple prose. Which is odd because poetry is supposed to be higher density and be reliant on vague suggestion rather then explicit statement.
The actual content density was lower then could be expected out of an equal volume of bloated purple prose. Which is odd because poetry is supposed to be higher density and be reliant on vague suggestion rather then explicit statement.
Okay, that is a good Star Swirl. Like dang.
Dawn's issues are unclear and they leave me emotionally unconnected. But this at the same time, possibly unintentionally, leaves me in the same spot as Clover. Trying to deal with a problem that she doesn't fully comprehend.
Earned or accidental you get points for realism in your story about magical brightly coloured equines.
Dawn's issues are unclear and they leave me emotionally unconnected. But this at the same time, possibly unintentionally, leaves me in the same spot as Clover. Trying to deal with a problem that she doesn't fully comprehend.
Earned or accidental you get points for realism in your story about magical brightly coloured equines.
I can see what you was trying to do, it's not terrible. It has potential.
Of course, with Garble, you went in hard, pushed drama out of the way and threw yourself into the waiting arms of super drama.
Also this is Equestria. Mind control is both cheap and readily available without a prescription. And one of Twilight's most valued tricks.
Of course, with Garble, you went in hard, pushed drama out of the way and threw yourself into the waiting arms of super drama.
Also this is Equestria. Mind control is both cheap and readily available without a prescription. And one of Twilight's most valued tricks.
This is pretty good. Nothing wrong with it at all.
Except the Inception, dream within a dream bit. It's done. You can stop now. Like really.
But again, pretty solid.
Except the Inception, dream within a dream bit. It's done. You can stop now. Like really.
But again, pretty solid.
This is not a story, so much as a cute thing that happened.
I mean, sure Twilight pretends the situation has dire gravitas and import while the royal sisters glance nervously at each other and inch backwards but really the whole thing is status quo from start to finish.
I mean, sure Twilight pretends the situation has dire gravitas and import while the royal sisters glance nervously at each other and inch backwards but really the whole thing is status quo from start to finish.
The rate of typo's in this is painful. I will assume it is thus because you spat the entire thing out in less then 6 hours and didn't have time to read it.
Now there are some story problems...
You never explained why Luna has to be repeatedly killed.
If Luna exists in a state of perpetual death and recreation then... Celestia doesn't have to banish her and can just kill her and make a non-Nightmare Moon version.
Luna skeletons look like regular generic alicorn skeletons if they don't have some meat on them.
If Luna is not Celestia's sister then Celestia cannot be Luna's sister. It's a mutual relationship.
Despite writing Discord properly you used him in the worst possible way, namely as a higher power to force the resolution of the story. He is a giant crutch holding up the back end of your story.
Now there are some story problems...
You never explained why Luna has to be repeatedly killed.
If Luna exists in a state of perpetual death and recreation then... Celestia doesn't have to banish her and can just kill her and make a non-Nightmare Moon version.
Luna skeletons look like regular generic alicorn skeletons if they don't have some meat on them.
If Luna is not Celestia's sister then Celestia cannot be Luna's sister. It's a mutual relationship.
Despite writing Discord properly you used him in the worst possible way, namely as a higher power to force the resolution of the story. He is a giant crutch holding up the back end of your story.
Paging WIP