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Forbidden Knowledge · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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A Faint and Curious Voice
My mom always said I had an inordinate amount of curiosity, the kind that often gets you in trouble. She said it ran in the girls of the family. I think it may be the name, because my mom also said she used to be just like me. If that’s the case, then If I have a daughter, I’ll call her Twilight, too.

I did get into a lot of trouble, now that I think about it. Back when I was very, very little, more little than I am right now, I used to be the kind of foal that would try to climb out of the window because she saw a pegasus pass by, and wanted to see it again. The kind who would try to climb a tree because a squirrel did it too, and wanted to know where it had gone.

I guess it wasn’t a surprise that my parents planted a deep-seated love for books in me as soon as I learned to read. They probably saw it as a chance to channel my hunger for knowledge.

And I loved every word I read. I’d read every kind of book that I could get my hooves on: novels, history books, textbooks. I even read my dad’s science books. Of course, I didn’t understand any of what they said, but I still burned through them.

It wasn’t long until my love of reading led me to try magic. Or maybe it was the other way around, considering the first spell I learned was a light spell that would allow me to read throughout the night.

I loved learning about magic, just like I loved learning about everything. The difference was that whenever I read about a new spell, I could try it out and most of the time it would work. That’s something I couldn’t do with other books.

I couldn’t talk with the great ponies about whom I had read since they were long gone. I couldn’t visit the places I went to when I read because I was too young to travel. I couldn’t be present in the events that my history books showed me seeing how they were, well, history.

That’s not how it was with magic. Magic made me feel alive, it made me feel like I could be great, too.

My parents saw how my love for magic grew with every passing day, and they thought I could get into Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. It shouldn’t have come as as surprise, since I later learned my mom had studied there when she was little. Score another point for the Twilights, I suppose.

My light spell came in very useful as I spent several nights studying, making sure I was ready for the entrance exam. I was so afraid I’d ruin it, but even though a few mistakes were made, I managed to get in. What’s more, Princess Celestia took me in as her personal protégé.

I almost couldn’t believe it, the chance to learn directly from the Princess herself was all that I could have hoped for and more. It was hard having to say goodbye to my parents when I went to live at the Castle, but they said I’d be so immersed in my studies, I wouldn’t even notice they were gone. Plus they’d visit me as often as they could.

I still remember the day I went to the castle for the first time, a week after my exam. It was, as far as I could tell with my limited experience, the most magnificent place I had ever been to. The high ceilings made the place feel so massive, so vast that I felt all the much smaller as I walked under them. The carvings on the marble walls, the dozens of stained glasses, and the countless paintings were surely brimming with a rich history that I couldn’t wait to dig into.

And yet, it all paled in comparison to the immense library that the Princess described as “adequately endowed”, which was more than an understatement in my opinion.

I was greeted by rows and rows of shelves, all crammed with so many books. I read more books in a month than the average Canterlot household did in a year, and even I didn’t think I could finish all these books. That prospect alone made me shed any lingering doubt or errant fear that may have been left in my mind. Princess Celestia even said that I was free to research whatever I liked, whenever I liked it as long as it didn’t interfere with my studies or my sleeping schedule.

My mom probably warned her about that last one.

What I now learned was so different to what I used to learn. Before I came here, I excelled at everything, but that was a side effect of having learned so much on my own. I had little interest in what school taught me, because I found it much more rewarding to learn on my own. I could pursue my own interests at my own rhythm.

But now… Everything I learned now was so fascinating. Even subjects as simple as basic science and history took on a new light when taught by Princess Celestia and the other teachers. I was enraptured by all that I learned, and it fed my hunger to know more.

That’s how I started my stay at the School for Gifted Unicorns, and it wasn’t long until I found myself settling on a comfortable routine. After my classes were over, I’d make my way to the Castle’s Library to work on my assignments—with an occasional detour through the kitchen—, and read as much as I could before the need to sleep dragged me over back to my room at the castle.

I liked that routine, I found it enjoyable. But Princess Celestia said I should vary it a little bit. Studying is important, she said, but I shouldn’t lose sight of other parts of my life. She says that books aren’t the only source of knowledge; that life gives us endless opportunities to learn, and we shouldn’t act as if they were any less important.

Maybe I should. How did that saying go? Stagnation is the enemy of progress? Or was it false progress? Either way, I shouldn’t let myself fall victim to it. Not after making it this far.

Starting the following day, I changed my routine a little bit. I took a more scenic route when I came back from school, choosing to pass by the Royal Garden. It was really nice, for a while I was mesmerised by the sounds of chirping birds and the scent of dozens of different flowers. I think I’d like to do my homework here from time to time.

The next day I went through one of the castle corridors. Here I was, living in one of the oldest buildings in all of Equestria, home of the Princess herself. It seemed like a waste not to explore more of it and get to know all that it had to offer.

I wonder if Princess Celestia feels small in these rooms. She’s bigger and taller than any other pony in Equestria but even then, these rooms were as big as some houses I’ve seen. This corridor alone is one of the longest I’ve seen in the castle. I suppose it’s to better show all the nice windows. I’ve seen the stained glass from afar a few times, when my parents took me to the city with them, but I could only see them as shapeless forms. Now that I appreciated them from up close, I could finally make out what they actually were. Each and every one of them showed a different scene, with lots of details, about an event of Equestrian history.

I was never one to appreciate art, so I focused on the historic aspect, instead. I slowly walked past them, taking in as much information as I could, and memorising the ones I couldn’t recognise so Celestia could clear them up for me.

It was then that I noticed something odd. I stopped in front of one of the last windows of the corridor and took another look. With the array of colours and shapes, it was hard to tell at a first glance, it almost seemed to be part of the design, but a careful examination showed otherwise.

A section of the window was shattered.

It was an isolated section, almost near the bottom. Why was it left like that? The rest of the windows were well kept, not to mention the entire hallway was spotless. Could whomever cleaned it up have missed it? That doesn’t seem likely, it was a small section but it wasn’t so small. I almost missed it because I was just passing through, the ponies who cleaned it up must have noticed it.

Something about it made me feel weird. Like when you’re trying to grab a cookie from the kitchen when your parents aren’t looking, because they told you you couldn’t have any. That’s how I felt. As if somepony in the back of my mind was telling me I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing.

I did my best to shake off that feeling, and walked towards the stained window, hoping to get a better look, and just as I suspected a whole section of the glass was shattered. I couldn’t see an impact point, so it must have happened other way, but how did that happen? Maybe I should read up on stained glasses other time.

Still, that didn’t explain how nopony noticed it. Then again, somepony probably did notice, and they just hadn’t gotten around fixing it. That seemed like a more reasonable explanation.

I looked around the room, seeing if anypony was with me. Once I was sure I was alone, I took another step forward and touched the crack in the window.

Odd indeed, the glass didn’t feel that cold, even though it wasn’t receiving direct sunlight. In fact, it almost felt kind of—

Careful.


I jumped back, and turned around, trying to find the source of the voice. It had spoken too fast for me to actually register what it said. I couldn’t even tell if it was a stallion or a mare. Maybe I misheard, that’s probably what happened, it most likely was nothing.

Although… No, that couldn’t be, I know I heard a voice. Almost like a whisper, but it was definitely a voice, but to whom could it belong? There was nopony else in the corridor with me, and there were no adjacent rooms.

Odd, indeed. I perked my ears, hoping to catch the voice again, but my efforts were fruitless. I looked around once more, trying to convince myself there was nopony else in there with me, and just as I had thought, there wasn’t.

I looked back at the stained window, but this time I didn’t focus on the cracked section, but rather on it as a whole. The scene just showed Princess Celestia with her wings spread open, facing me. There were a lot of colors and shapes in the background but that seemed to be it. The shattered section seemed to belong to the ground. I kind of had to wonder what was the purpose of this window. All the other seemed to have at least a commemorative purpose, but this one simply had the Princess in it.

I squinted as I noticed the Princess’s expression. It’s not as if the other windows were bursting with detail, but whomever made this one had clearly made the effort to show that Princess Celestia was sad.

I would have stood there for longer, but the distant sound of a ringing bell broke my stupor. It was already lunch time, and I had to start working on my assignment about Saddle Arabian history. Pushing aside any wayward thoughts about the crack in the glass, the lone stained window, and what may or may not have been a voice, I left the corridor and went back to my routine.

I took the route through the Gardens the next day.

I don’t know why I didn’t mention it to the Princess. It felt really weird, but thinking back on it, it was probably nothing more than the anxiety of starting school just a little over a month ago. There were plenty of things for me to think about other than that eerie thing that could have easily been a product of my imagination.

I had exams coming up, so that gave me something on which I could focus, something clear, something objective. My light spell got a lot of use those nights as well.

When the results came in, I wasn’t surprised to find out I aced all of my courses. It’s not a lack of modesty, I just take pride in my studies. As did Princess Celestia, who congratulated me on my effort, and suggested I should take the free week I had after the exams to relax and maybe socialise a little bit.

I don’t know about that last one, but I sure am eager to catch up on my reading. There’s a chronicle about early Pegasus tribes I’ve been itching to get my hooves on, not to mention the latest Daring Do book came out not too long ago. It seemed I was going to have more than enough to fill up my time until classes went back to normal.

That first afternoon after my exams, I went straight to the Library with a blanket hidden in my saddlebags, as well as Miss Smarty Pants. I was planning on spending the rest of the day there and, if the librarian didn’t catch me, maybe read throughout the night.

There was a comfy and cozy little corner in the library, past the botany and landscape section, where I liked to huddle with a good book and a plate of cookies smuggled under the gaze of the librarian. I found myself there with a stack of books and started to read the hours away. I don’t know how long it was until a grumbling in my stomach made me stop, but I know that by the time I ate it was already dark outside. I must have been reading for at least six or seven hours.

An evening well spent, in my opinion.

Soon enough, another book was over. As I rearranged the the books, I pondered what to do next; it was still early, relatively speaking, so I thought I could go for another round. A filly back at school mentioned something about the composition of salt licks. It’s a topic we hadn’t touched in class, but that didn’t mean she shouldn’t read upon it if she could. Surely Princess Celestia would appreciate—

Curious...


I dropped the book I was holding. There it was again, the voice from the corridor. That was definitely the voice I heard that time when I walked down the corridor of the stained windows. And I had no doubt I was alone this time; the librarian wasn’t doing her rounds around here, I made sure of that when choosing this reading spot.

“Hello?” I asked at the empty library, “Is anyone there?”

My voice was shakier than I expected. I guess I wasn’t as composed as I thought I was. As expected, there was no reply. Could I have imagined it? I guess I did skip sleep for a couple of nights while I was studying for my exams. Maybe having another all-nighter so soon wasn’t the best thing to do.

The thought of trying to find out more about the lone stained window in that corridor did cross my mind, but as I stood there, scanning the silence of the library, that seemed of little importance.

I don’t know why, but at that moment I became terribly aware of the darkness of the library. Every crevice in the shelves, every shadow cast by my lamp, and every corner spot from my view brought back memories from horror stories surreptitiously read away from my parents that I now regretted reading.

Chills ran down my spine as the silence overwhelmed me. I normally welcome how quiet the library is, but after what I just thought I heard… No. After what I heard, this silence was far from being welcoming.

Yes, I probably wouldn’t be staying here today.

I packed my blanket and the leftovers of my clandestine snack into my saddlebag, trying and failing not to stumble on my hooves. I normally rearrange all the books I use, but that day I left most of them for the librarian to find. I just wanted to get back to my room.

It’s not as if I was scared, because I wasn’t. I just thought I should catch up on my sleep. Wasn’t Princess Celestia and my mom telling me that all the time? Maybe I should listen to them for a change. The shivers were just product of the cold, is all. I couldn’t possibly expect a cushion to insulate me from the cold floor of the library. The sweat was just because of the blanket, it was too thick, it probably made the stuffy room feel hotter.

What? No, shut up, Smarty Pants. It’s perfectly possible to feel both cold and hot at the same time.

With a shake of my head, I ran—trotted, trotted back to my room. The journey back to the castle tower where I lived flew by in a haze. I didn’t pay much attention to the route I took—except to make sure I avoided the corridor of the stained windows—I just wanted to get back sooner. I wish I knew that teleportation spell I read about the other day.

I kicked open the door to my bedroom and without thinking it twice, threw my saddlebags on my nightstand and dove under the blankets of my bed, facing the wall. I didn’t even bother to unpack my things, that could wait until the morning, right now I just wanted to get some much needed sleep. The soft caress of the cool fabric against my fur relaxed me, if only a little bit.

Under normal circumstances, I’d let my mind shut itself off due to exhaustion; but while my body was a bit tired from galloping all the way—trotting, trotting all the way from the library, my mind was alight with dozens of thoughts. Or just the one, if I was being honest.

That voice… The first time I heard it, I thought it was a product of my imagination. Even after quite some time had passed, I still wasn’t sure what was it that I heard. But just a moment ago I heard it again, and I heard it clearly. I still couldn’t tell if it was a mare or a stallion, but it sounded kind of deep, in a way that made my back shiver.

Should I have told Princess Celestia about this? I know she took me as her personal protégé, and that I should trust her with anything but… I’ve only really known her for two months. How would she take it if I told her I was hearing voices?

No, I can’t possibly tell her that. Best case scenario she disavows me and I get sent to a psychiatrist. Worst case scenario… I don’t even want to know what that would be.

I curled up under my blankets, in an effort to make myself smaller. It’s a cold night, colder than I remember it being just a while ago, but I did my best not to think too much about that. I tried not to think about anything, really. I just wanted to go to sleep so I could talk to the Princess the next morning. Not about this, of course. About something else completely unrelated. Maybe then I’d bring up the issue about what I heard. The Princess wouldn’t get mad over that, would she?

Who knows.


Sometimes, the simplest of things can be the most distressing. Be it a cold wind whistling through a tree, steps coming from somewhere you didn’t know, or, in this case, a word spoken in the dark.

I fought the urge to open my eyes. I even bit my lips in order to stifle a yelp. Think back. I came trotting—running desperately from the library, didn’t acknowledge the librarian, maids, guards, or anypony else I crossed, I kept running until I got here, opened the door, threw away my stuff and got into my bed. Did I miss something?

My eyelids flutter, but I keep them shut. I feel my guts wrench as I think of something. Did I close the door? I don’t think I did. How could I have not closed the door? Somepony could have gotten inside! No… No, hold on. There were, there were guards outside, I saw them. If anypony followed me, they would have spot them and they would have taken care of them. There’s no way something could have followed me here.

But there’s no way of denying I heard the voice again just then, either. I laid under my blankets as I realised I could no longer lie to myself. The rationalisations I had built had crumbled, and I had to face reality.

There was somepony else in my room.

I gulped as silently as I possibly could, hoping the voice would think I was asleep. I took a slow breath, and then let it out in a way that I hoped resembled a sleeping pony. If I could get to fall asleep, maybe the voice would go away. I just had to fall asleep. I just needed to stop thinking, stop moving, and fall asleep.

I tried, I really did. But at that moment, my mind interpreted every noise, no matter how small, into a sign of the presence I knew was with me in that room. I wish I had Smarty Pants with me, she would make me feel safer.

The blankets reached up to my neck. I wondered if I could lift it until it covered my whole body without the voice realising what I was doing. As slowly as I possibly could, I pinched the blanket with my hoof, and pulled upwards, hoping my motions would go unnoticed. I stopped every few seconds to listen intently for any sign of my undesired companion. When I heard nothing, I started moving again.

I timed every move with my breathing. Inhaling, listening, dragging, stopping, exhaling. Inhaling, listening, dragging, stopping, exhaling. It felt as if I was making progress, even though I knew I had barely moved the blanket from where it had been a few moments ago due to the heavy friction between the the fabric and my fur. But none of that mattered, it was all I could bring myself to do at the moment. Inhaling, listening, dragging, stopping, exhaling. Inhaling, listening, dragging, stopping, exhaling.

It was then that I heard something else. No, it wasn’t the voice, it was a cold draft coming from somewhere behind me.

My window, I thought, I must have left it open when I went out that morning. Could the voice have made it in though there? I didn’t know, it was possible but I had no way to be sure. Of course, I was assuming the voice had a physical presence, which again, I had no way of knowing for sure. If it really was just a voice, then it didn’t need an actual way to get into my room, it would simply be there.

I immediately regretted thinking that, now there was no way I could go to sleep. My mind was racing, trying frantically to remember something, anything from all the things I had learned that could have helped me right then, but it came up with nothing. Now I really, really wished I knew that teleportation spell.

Seeing as how I had no other alternative, I resumed my attempt to pull the blankets over my head. If the voice really was just a voice, then it had no way of knowing if I was moving or not, right?

As I pulled once again, I felt the blanket resist me. It seemed the force with which I dragged it was not enough to counter the friction of the fabric. I kept pulling, hoping I wouldn’t have to make any sudden movement that would catch the attention of the voice.

That is, of course, if the voice was still here.

The first time I heard it, when I touched the cracked glass in that corridor, I just heard it once and that was it. Back at the library, I had only heard it once, too. I heard it in my room too, there was no denying it, but… No, I had to be sure. I had to know for sure.

I tried pulling the blanket again, just a little bit harder this time. It didn’t move, I thought it may have gotten stuck. I tried again, and again, each time with a bit more desperation in my moves. What happened? Did I tuck the edges of the blanket under the mattress? Why did I do that? Come on, I just needed to pull a bit more.

Here you go.


The blankets suddenly felt loose, and I managed to pull them over my head. In that moment my blood ran cold through my body, my jaw trembled and my mouth opened, but I managed to drown a scream. What came out sounded more like a sad whimper.

The voice was still here, and it knew I was awake.

Even though I knew I wasn’t alone, now I could feel I wasn’t. The darkness of my bedroom no longer felt empty, it felt crowded, stuffy and suffocating. Almost as if those words whispered into my mind materialised into the room, filling every crevice and corner, every nook and cranny. Although, if anything, it helped strengthen my resolve not to open my eyes.

I silently called out for Princess Celestia to come to me and make the voice go away. I just wanted this to stop, to be alone and go to sleep. I wanted to yell, to scream at the voice to leave me alone. I wanted to lash out and scare it away.

I wanted to cry.

And then, just when I thought I couldn’t feel worse, I got to know what true fear was. As I was lying there on my bed, I could feel something pressing against the mattress near the edge of my bed. I could feel the weight of an unseen being settling at the foot of my bed.

I couldn’t rationalise it, I couldn’t say it was something that fell on top of the bed. I knew it was the voice, and it probably knew I knew as well. The voice didn’t do anything else. It remained immobile at the foot of my bed, and so did I, we were stuck in a stalemate, daring one to make the first move.

I could feel tears starting to form at the edge of my eyes, but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t want to let the voice know I was scared.

Oh, dear Celestia. It moved.

I could feel the pressure on the bed shift, leaning forward, towards me. I let out a soft whimper with every move it made. It was getting closer and there was nothing I could do to avoid it, my magic still wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t even learn a dumb teleportation spell.

The voice moved again, it was already halfway through the bed, and would reach me in an instant. I tried to hold still, but couldn’t suppress the shivers that ran through my body. Deep breaths, Twilight, deep breaths. If I could keep it together until morning, then surely the voice would leave.

Whatever little comfort those thoughts brought me was quickly stripped away as I felt the mattress give in right next to me. I felt the tears trailing down my face, matting my fur.

It was behind me.

I didn’t react, I didn’t even know how I could have reacted. I was frozen in place. The pressure of the voice against the mattress caused it to give in, forming a small depression that may as well have been a valley, beckoning me to give in and fall into it.

Another blubbering weep escaped my throat. What did the voice want? What was it trying to accomplish beyond scaring me out of my mind?

I didn’t know, I just knew that it was in my room, in my bed, behind me, and waiting. I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes, I just couldn’t.

Why not?


My mom always said I had an inordinate amount of curiosity, the kind that often gets you in trouble. And as I found myself slowly opening my eyes, I couldn’t help but agree with her.

Ever since the incident at corridor, the matter of the ethereal voice had been itching, clawing its way through my mind. I should have asked Princess Celestia when I had the chance, I should have. But there’s no point in regrets now. I just couldn’t help it, I couldn’t stand not to know.

My eyes fluttered open, and were greeted with the sight of the wall next to my bed, barely illuminated by the light of the moon coming through my window. After blinking away the tears, I could make out the outline of my body covered in blankets, I could see the shape of the pillow, I could even distinguish my closet next to my bed out of the corner of my eye.

I took another deep breath. It seemed I was alone, except I knew that couldn’t be the case. I could clearly feel the presence of the voice behind me, lying in my bed with just the fabric of the blankets keeping us apart.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to say. For better or for worse, I didn’t have to wonder for long. I finally cried out once I felt it touching me.

There was nothing there. I knew there was nothing there, I could see that there was nothing there, but I could still feel it. I felt the pressure against the back of my neck, I felt it tousling my mane with whatever it was that the voice had instead of hooves. Oh, Celestia, it felt so cold.

My jaw trembled when it felt the voice’s caress, and another pathetic whimper escaped me. The tears kept flowing freely from my eyes. I wanted this thing to leave, I wanted Princess Celestia to take it away. I wanted my mommy. I didn’t cry this time, tears didn’t flow from my eyes either because my body had realised it was futile, or because it was slowly shutting down.

The voice was holding me by the neck, and when I felt the bed move against my fur, I realised it had started pulling me towards it. I didn’t fight back, I wasn’t even sure if I could have. My body was limp, it had already given up.

But my mind hadn’t.

“What… what do you want?” I managed to blurt out in a whiny whisper.

The voice stopped dragging me, but it didn’t ease its grip on my throat. I don’t think it expected me to say anything.

Do you really want to know?


I didn’t hear that so much as I felt it inside of me, every word felt as if it turned my blood into ice, its tone was so… deep, so guttural it made my bones shake. That was also the longest phrase the voice had uttered, and it seemed to be the first time it waited for a reply.

“Y-yes…” I said.

As soon as that word left my lips, I could feel the voice’s presence lean into me, pressing itself against my back. I felt revolted at the sensation. Even though I was covered in my blanket, I could clearly feel the voice’s… body make contact with me.

I could feel fur, I could feel feathers, I felt skin and I felt scales. I felt them rub against my coat as the sensation enveloped me. I felt it constrict my limbs and poke against my bones. I felt claws intertwining my hair. I felt paws rubbing against the side of my body. I felt all of those and none at all at the same time, and loathed every second of it.

Oh, please Celestia, make this end.

I want...


What!? What did it want? What could the voice possibly want beyond taking such pleasure from torturing somepony so much? What did it want more than to violate the safety of a filly’s own bedroom? What did it want beyond my sanity?

...you.


The voice laughed. It wasn’t a manic cackle, nor was it a roaring howl. It was but a mirthful snicker, like a foal that laughs at a misdeed. I started shaking, if it was due to fear, anger or both, I do not know. All I knew was that I hated it. I hated the voice, I hated what it was doing, and I hated my powerlessness against it. In the end, nothing mattered. My curiosity had set me down the road that led me to my end, just like my mom used to joke.

For some reason, I didn’t feel like laughing.

The all-encompassing presence of the voice spread to my face, making my skin crawl as it advanced. The air escaped my lungs as my eyes were forcefully closed. I could only let out one last pitiable whimper as my sign of defeat before everything went dark.

I heard the voice again, but it wasn’t speaking this time. It was more as if it was thinking inside of my mind. It told me that everything was alright now, that there was no need to fight back, that I should let go, and everything would be alright.

After the night I had, I had to admit the prospect of letting go was very appealing. I had been fighting this for what felt like days now… I really wanted to sleep.
Maybe I should.

Yeah…

I really…

I really…

I really need some rest.


I’ll listen to the voice, let it take care of things while I rest for a while. After that I can… I can… Well, I don’t know what will happen after that, but right now I just want to rest for a while.


Good night, voice.


Good night…














“Twilight!”


I awoke to a blinding light and an ear-splitting shriek. I didn’t know where I was, but it was definitely not my room. I curled up in pain at the continuing screams, or at least I thought I did. I couldn’t feel my body, I was just vaguely aware of a sensation of pain. The bright lights weren’t helping much either. I heard shouting, it was the voice, but there was something else too. Somepony else.

I tried to focus, but I couldn’t, the noise and the light were too much for me. There was too much chaos. I don’t know how long I remained like that. I had no way of judging time. I stayed there, weightless in the white void, until I saw something even wither reach for me.

I felt again, I felt an embrace, a loving embrace, like the ones my mother would give me when I woke up from a nightmare. It was warm, it was caring, it was loving.

“Princess Celestia?” I asked after finding my own voice.

“Shhh…” she said, calming every one of my nerves, “It’s alright, Twilight. Everything is alright now.”

I became aware of my body again, and I immediately hugged the Princess. She tightened her embrace, and softly rubbed my mane with her hoof. Her nuzzles felt so gentle and pleasant that they washed away all the bad experiences of the night.

“What… what was that, Princess?” I asked her, once I remembered my nightly ordeal.

The Princess didn’t answer immediately, she just kept hugging me, and I appreciated it immensely.

“That is not for you to know just yet, Twilight,” she said.

“But Princess,” I started, but was quickly interrupted.

“Do you trust me, Twilight?” she asked me.

I looked into the Princess’s eyes, they sparkled with the white light that surrounded us. In that shared look, I found all the support and comprehension I didn’t knew I needed so much.

“Yes, Princess Celestia. I trust you.”

“Would you trust me to keep you safe in the future?” she asked me, and I thought I may have heard a pleading tone in her voice.

“Yes, Princess. I would,” I answer, and just as I do so, I start to feel very, very tired.

“Thank you, Twilight. You’ve had a long day. Why don’t you go to sleep?”

I looked back at the Princess. I felt completely different than when I heard the voice speak.

“Will you hold me until I fall asleep, Princess?” I asked.

“Of course, Twilight,” the Princess said as she smiled.

I snuggled in the Princess’s embrace. It felt warm. I didn’t know why, but at that moment, I didn’t care about not knowing. I was sure the Princess would tell me when she thought I should know. Right now I just needed my sleep.

I closed my eyes as I felt the Princess stroke my mane, and it wasn’t too long until I didn’t feel her anymore.
« Prev   5   Next »
#1 · 1
· · >>ZaidValRoa
Hmm. I'm left in an odd place with this one. Overall, though, I'd say I liked it.
Too much is left unanswered to leave me truly satisfied, though. As an example, I'm not even fully convinced that this Twilight is Twilight Sparkle. There seems to be evidence that the voice is Discord, but it isn't made expressly clear. Nor am I completely confident that it's really Princess Celestia there at the end. Where exactly is the last scene taking place? And perhaps most important of all, what is the significance of the broken stained-glass window?
But all of that aside, I'd like to talk about what I enjoyed most: this story demonstrated amazing control of its atmosphere. The entire scene where Twilight was hiding in her bed was expertly crafted. The tension built and built and then hit hard with the voice at just the right time. I had physical and audible reactions while reading that scene. Excellent suspense, truly.
I'm glad to have read this.
#2 · 1
· · >>ZaidValRoa
For how much story there is here the general absence of a back and forth or a changing of gears makes it feel dense and inert.

Even if the story is narrated by a single character without interruption by an outside force the story can still experience the shifts in mood and foolish tangents of that single character.

Regardless, this is an exceedingly well done story.
#3 · 3
· · >>ZaidValRoa
A Faint and Curious Voice

The first thing I notice about this story is its rather old-fashioned style -- it reminds me more than anything else of a 19th Century novel, in which the entire story is relayed as though literally being spoken to you by the author in a bar, or around a campfire. It takes the first person perspective to the absolute extreme, with almost no dialogue or narrative. The entire story consists of the narrator telling us what happened.

That’s a style choice. It’s neither good nor bad – I’m not personally a fan of it, since I believe novel writing has evolved quite a bit since the 19th Century. But certainly there were plenty of good novels written back then, and tastes differ.

I do have problems with the story itself, though, and they begin early.

For starters, the entire first 1100 words are literally backstory. They’re Twilight telling us how Twilight got to become a student in Celestia’s school. Everything in this section is in the absolute past tense – it’s happening in the past, from the perspective of the storyteller, who is already narrating in the past tense. Backstory.

Even worse, it’s kind of pointless backstory. I mean, do you need a thousand words to tell us how Twilight became a student at Celestia’s school? I think you could’ve skipped that and most of us would have been just fine.

So, anyway, after a thousand words the actual story begins:

A section of the window was shattered.


There. That’s the start of the story. If you’re reading this one fresh, just scroll down until you see that line and start reading there. You won’t miss a thing.

Anyway, creepy things happen, at which point I assume the author began to realize one of the drawbacks of using first-person narration for this kind of story. It kind of implies that the narrator survives and was just fine. After all, if they hadn’t, they wouldn’t be narrating this to us? Using first-person narrative in a suspense or mystery story adds an additional burden to the author, to make sure the narrator’s motives for telling the story are consistent. It introduces the question of the unreliable narrator, which Twilight doesn’t seem to be in this case. She’s just a scared filly, telling us about why she was scared.

Anyway, fast forward to the end, we reach the climax, and… Celestia shows up and saves the day.

Yeah, that’s about it.

Wikipedia defines Deus ex machina as “...a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the inspired and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object.” And this story gives us an almost textbook example.

Here’s the narrator at the end:

Oh, please Celestia, make this end.


And here’s what happens next:

I felt again, I felt an embrace, a loving embrace, like the ones my mother would give me when I woke up from a nightmare. It was warm, it was caring, it was loving.

“Princess Celestia?” I asked after finding my own voice.

“Shhh…” she said, calming every one of my nerves, “It’s alright, Twilight. Everything is alright now.”


So, yeah. That’s how you solve your problems. Ask Celestia for help, she’ll appear, and the story ends happily.

Author, if it sounds like I’m being down on your story, it’s only because this is the only competent story I’ve had on my slate so far. Therefore it gets a bit more criticism. It’s actually in first place on my ballot.
#4 · 1
· · >>ZaidValRoa
There’s a voice behind a stained-glass window. A monster under the bed. Twilight knows this. And Twilight is afraid.

Because it’s coming.


I wasn’t quite sure what to make of this piece after reading it. After having discussed it with some folk, I’m still not entirely sure. Very little happens in the story, but the author was clearly not lacking for time; it’s 2542 words before the first line of dialogue, with most of it spent telling the reader things that, as a writer in a FiM round, they should already know.

You do suspense well, author. You chose a good narrative perspective; your scene, once you finally got to it, was strong, and tense; and you prose was largely fine.

But one scene does not a story make. What am I supposed to take away from this story, author? I’m given large amounts of semi-relevant exposition, a scene in which a young child is haunted by a monster in the shadows, and then the parental figure comes in and banishes the monster away. The status quo is back to what it was. Nothing has changed. Nobody has learnt anything. No insight is developed. And whilst you succeeded in evoking emotions in the one scene where things actually happened, the rest of the story feels like an idle narration.

And the sudden end, with no agency on Twilight’s part, feels jarring.

Build a story with that scene, rather than one around it. Remove the unnecessary exposition. There’s a good story in here; it just needs some work done to realise it.

Tier: Needs Work/Almost There
#5 · 1
· · >>ZaidValRoa
A Faint And Curious Voice - B+ - First person is normally harder to pull off, and this shows, as it is fairly slow to start but rich in details to counter. Still, it drags up to the broken window which is where the story really starts, goes pretty good, then kindof trails off into what in the world happened here and it’s frightening true, but more confusing until it just… ends. Twilight is well characterized, but that’s to be expected as she is nearly all of the story.
#6 · 1
· · >>ZaidValRoa
Wow. I’m baffled. I have never felt this conflicted about a story in such a long time.

Do it.


I mean. I have so much to say. Yet so little to complain about. It’s like wearing a wet shirt. It’s disgusting but it can be pleasant at the right circumstances

Just do it.



The story is wonderful! It uses words in such a masterful way that you forget that there's still a plot!

Just DO IT!


Just like a sparkler, it starts out so amazingly good. Then it just gets old real fast. After the first initial lighting it's all awe and wonder. Then it turns into yeah....same thing as the last 60 seconds of my life.

JUST DO IT!


Shut the BUCK up! Shia Labeouf! Or so help me by Luna's mane I will stamp a permanent hoof on your FACE!

DO IT!!!


RRAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

And thus Remedy had shown his royal guard training in action. As an act of retaliation to the meme. By jumping onto the poor human and attempting to bite his nose off. Much blood was shed. Yet only one victor came out. Thus the meme continues.

NEGATIVES
-Length
Usually most people have problems with the length of their paragraphs. They can't seem to add enough to fit the targeted effect they so desire. Yours has the opposite problem. That it just draws out so much that your reader will just skim skim skim and continue to skim. Shaving off the layers of fluff just to find the meat of the story. Let's start with the intro in which every fan knows about Twilight Sparkle. She grew up loving to learn with her face in a book. She enrolled into Celestia's school while still having a hard time learning to adjust to other ponies. See how I summed up almost one third of your story in two sentences. You took these simple facts we all knew and somehow drew it so far that the Guinness World Record would accept you as a candidate. I'm over exaggerating, but it is by far the longest drawn out thing I've seen for merely a two sentence summary of what we all already know. You again show this on the main conflict of the story. You had me at gunpoint. For the next 30 minutes the adrenaline rush has passed and I'm just wondering if you even have rounds in the dang thing. Why would a person not get to the point and just kill me or somehow torment me further with something new? why didn't you give us something new to see or experience? Your conflict amounted to. Twilight getting into her room and scaring herself. Which I've done several times. happens when you sleep alone often. It felt like nothing new either way. Just try doing something new every once in a while. staying on topic for as long as you did killed things.

-Canon
People usually add a twist to a show's canon knowledge by adding a twist of some kind that would or might explain mannerisms or reasons for a character to act the way they do. Your story seems to just remind us all of what exactly Twilight is without ever having to get away from what we already know. What grabbed the most attention was Twilight's explanation of why she loves books. Which was the high levels of curiosity when she was a child to know more and explore. Pretty much what I see is that you don't seem to deviate from every giving us a Twilight Sparkle unique to you. other authors have hit on how Twilight turned into an alicorn or explained the real defeat of Nightmare Moon. Your story doesn't explain anything or offer something to experience. In fact it's like a report card. Good job continue doing what you're doing. It's a one time thing. We do see elements we never seen from the show. Such as Smarty Pants's relationship with Twilight. Or how Twilight is just like me and has very bad sleeping habits. Now this was both cute and exceptionally well done! I wanted to see more of this! I really wanted to know more about Twilight and not just what she already is. Teach me a lesson and I might pay attention. Tell me a secret and I'm all ears! Think of adding such a twist to your story to keep us in tow.

-Ending
Forbidden knowledge prompt here is on the creature that torments Twilight in which we never get answers on to what happened to Twilight or what was it? Well that's that! I'm to assume Twilight scared herself so badly that she happened to get into a deep medical condition where he body shut down. IE stroke, heart attack, panic attack, Schizophrenia, rabies, fainting episodes, paranoia etc. Need I go on? It felt like something else entirely that happened to Twilight and her um...more unstable self. Can attest to that little outcome more so than the writer properly would take credit for. You left us in the dark there with nothing to go by with the real thing that happened to her. Granted the build-up only came up in the middle of the story with the window scene. Right around to the very end I wanted to know what that voice was and who it might belong to. It would have even excused the extremely long wind up for the ending. Though we get knowing to show for how long we stayed along for the ride.

POSITIVES
-Word Usage
Your wording is very much on par. I was turning my eyes left and right and felt tiny pops of fizz like thoughts coming to my mind as I grasped the wide array of vocabulary you laid out in just details alone. All while keeping Twilight's characteristics simple. Going from simple to complex seems to hold the best results as far as keeping a reader's attention so this was a great angle in which to share with your audience. Its a strength that not many authors can seem to grasp. You have a good grip on it by the way. Pretty much to explain this is the story is laid out simple and eventually you come up to a word that will remind the reader to continue to use their mind. Thus empowering their imagination because you continue to grease the wheels. This is just some literacy theory that has been proven to work majority of the times. It's also placed into such visual means of art and advertisement posters. That grabbing the attention of a desired crowd with yield better results. Same goes with reading. Now the only draw back to this is your more susceptible to errors coming up within your works. Grammar and spelling aren't really something I'll consider as problems or bad qualities of a story. So right now there's nothing wrong with it. It just means you may have to spend more time to closely proofread your work more than others.

-Cause
The intended conflict between an unseen threat that would rattle Twilight Sparkle just lit your story up like a firecracker. Now if it came out like a dud or just a weak explosion will show on your readers' reaction. For me I saw it pop and just hop in place. Not a complete dud mind you! Now. What really made this a great positive is that you took something that literally had no form. No visual description. With barely a voice and turned it into something worth fearing. For what more should we fear besides the unknown? Without having any clue as to what this entity is, you have opened up the mind for the darkest of things that most people avoid. Thus your audience would shape their own fears into the story and become one with it. This was a highly unusual take that ended up being effective. Until you realize the fuse was still going and you just didn't care about the big boom. Twilight got scared, hid in her bed, and fell asleep. Add as much detail as you want. It doesn't change the fact that the scene was just that. With added actions of turtle speed blanket pulling or having a staring contest with your inner eyelids. the cause of the conflict was grand and you had me on my seat. Though you held the gun for way too long that I just didn't care anymore.

This was felt like getting scammed out of a hyped up ride. You would pay any amount to get a two minute ride that ended up taking hours to wait for. You were bored at the line up bored at the ending and only got so much excitement out of it. This story had excellent elements in it but I really think the descriptions really ended up drowning the story. We can get a lecture that would be sleep inducing or a tall tale that would blow our minds. Need to rethink on this one. I can see the effort and then I see the cover up. I'm not sure which to follow. The author here is highly skilled. I think he had a difficult choice to make on story ideas and settled for one thing. I couldn't seem to enjoy it because it felt like the writer didn't enjoy it. I know it's strange but writing should be fun. Maybe you should take a small break do something for yourself and come back with a fresh mind and shaky fingers that are inching to just get some work done. I'm sorry. I wanted to enjoy this piece and I did at certain times. but it was wavy at best. Overall it was a highly detailed piece of work that didn't seem to catch my eye as it did others. What do I know though? I'm just one person. You have fans! Look to them for inspiration!
#7 ·
· · >>ZaidValRoa
Definitely cut all the stuff about her past that we already know. It's a reader turn-off; if you're reading this story, you know Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's student. Your first two paragraphs are fine, but after that you need to condense hard before we get to our 'now'.

Our unseen villain is very effective. Very creepy. Discord? Nightmare? I lean more towards the latter, since the last bit has Twilight speaking in the 'voice', suggesting she's no longer in control of her own body, and with Celestia being adamant about not telling her what happened? Yea. It seems likely some dreamlike entity was coming for her.

The other bits :
What was the shattered glass significance? If you are going to put this much focus on it in the story, it needs payoff. It didn't have payoff.
Foreshadow Celestia's coming, somehow, so it's less Deus Ex Machina. If it's the Nightmare, her showing up makes perfect sense, but you do need to build up with it, so when her arrival happens it feels fitting, instead of 'SUDDENLY SUNBUTT'

Still? One of the better entries I've read this competition.
#8 · 2
· · >>Remedyfortheheart
>>Everyday
>>Obscure
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Foehn
>>georg
>>Remedyfortheheart
>>Morning Sun

I want to start out by saying that I whole-heartedly appreciate all of your feedback. Seriously, it means a lot. This reply isn't me making excuses--though that's up to you to decide--, but rather an admission of guilt.

Participating in the writeoff was an amazing experience, and a grueling one at that. You see, I'm a terribly slow writer. As in, I'm lucky to write a couple hundred words every couple of days at best, so you can imagine the trials and tribulations I went through to write over 6k words in a weekend.

That being said, I want to address the major issues this story had.

The Ending

Starting with the biggest problem, I'll come out and say that the reason this ending feels blunt, uninspired, and somewhat abrupt, is because I only had less than five hours until the deadline, still had two scenes to write, and I was already falling asleep. So, my options were to either not submit an entry, or try to come up with a shorter, different ending to at least submit a presentable story.

I chose the latter, since I already opted out of submitting something for the past two writeoff events. So, yeah. My bad.

The original ending had Twilight starting to be taken over by the voice, but then her inner magic lashes out in a similar fashion to the way she lost control in The Cutie Mark Chronicles. The stream of raw magic would cause the voice to lose its grasp on her in a painful way, hence all the screaming. This is also why she's surrounded by white light as far as she can see. It was only after she sent the voice away, and has spent a while in the white void, that Celestia would come to calm her down. They'd talk about what happen, something something things better not known just yet, promise to keep her safe, bonding, bittersweet ending.

Out of all the things I had to cut short due to time constraints, this is my biggest regret, since not only is it unsatisfying, but it works against the theme of Twilight's hunger for knowledge bringing negative consequences.

So, yeah. Not the worst mistake I've made while panicking about meeting a deadline, but it's high on the list.

The Drawn-Out Build Up

Oh, dear...

I normally have a somewhat meandering and reflective narration style where I focus perhaps a bit too much on the inner workings of the character's mind, and it's very easy for me to get lost into it--somewhat evidenced by the fact that the previous sentence could probably be 60% shorter, I suppose. This is something that I normally try to beat back into shape during editing, which is something that I couldn't really do here since I just barely managed to submit this story on time. My bad, again.

Still, I'll at least make an attempt to defend what I wrote.

I've read a lot of horror, and what I enjoy the most is to be eased into the scary bits nice and slowly, letting the dread build up naturally. In what I now realise is basically doing a retelling of Twilight's backstory, I tried to set the tone for the story, alongside making a point about Twilight's insatiable hunger for knowledge.

I did get too enraptured in the story, which is why it kept going and going. I'm sure I can condense all that backstory into something more enjoyable and less draggy while still mantaining the atmosphere I wanted. Moving on...

The Shattered Glass

This is the second thing that had to go after the ending I originally planned. As I was writing, I planned to go back to the scene in the Royal Gardens and expand it a little bit, and connecting it to the events in the corridor of Stained Windows in a way that made sense. Sadly, it was either doing that and the ending I originally planned, or submitting a story at all.

Still, I accept the blame for leaving it as it is, since I feel they now come off as a series of disconnected scenes. I fully intend to rectify this, however. I've been doing a few rewrites to the scenes I mentioned, expanding upon the actual plot and atmosphere rather than in needless backstory, as well as some much needed narrative tightening, and hopefully it'll be more satisfying then.




Once again, thanks a lot for your feedback. It felt really good to get a story done in such a relatively short period of time after a long time of barely making progress.

I'll be sure to join the next events, FiM related or not.

Now, time to go back to editing.
#9 ·
· · >>ZaidValRoa
>>ZaidValRoa
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! Actually I didn't... I really loved your story! The drastic details is something that often hard to do but is greatly appreciated for certain writing aspects! Oh wow! I'm so happy I got to return the favor without ever having known it! Good job on that story! no doubt with more time it'll be a prize winning one! I also wanna read the re-do version. Pretty please?
#10 ·
· · >>Remedyfortheheart
>>Remedyfortheheart
I also wanna read the re-do version. Pretty please?

Sure! I'll add it to the FiMFic group once it's up.
But only if I get to read the expanded version of Not So Sweet, as well.
#11 ·
·
>>ZaidValRoa
Deal. I'll need to work on it. Now.
#12 · 1
·
So... I got aroung putting this story up in FiMFiction. Here it is.

I addressed most of the issues presented, as best as I could. Once again, I appreciate the feedback I got from everyone. I'll be sure to participate in the next events.

I wish the best to the finalists, I'll check if I haven't given critique to any of them.