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The 100% Accurate Legend of the Once and Future Hero of Light
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What I like best about this one is the constant subversion. It started off strong, with a fake hero half-exploiting, half-doing-good-with the legend built around her persona. (Fantastic opening line, too!). Inevitably, that gets Tiff in trouble with someone, so it's amusing to continue that theme with an equally fake villain. Nice touch!
What I particularly like about the general air of subversiveness in this fic is how it both exploits and fits into a traditional medieval epic quest structure, sort of playing along with it while also undermining it. Very consistent.
While I think the backstories for both of them are done well, the boy's/Magpie's/the Necromancer Queen's is easily the best of the two, with the outcast finding his/her mentor and fulfilling his unconventional dream. But in the early offing, Tiff being both benevolent (she notes how her reputation scares off a bunch of thugs) and opportunistic (getting free stuff, basically) was exactly the sort of moral grey that works best with such a deceptive set-up. I loved every second of it.
Lastly, the writing, one or two stylistic slips aside, is pretty comfortable to read; when you're playing around with concepts like this, it's important to ease the reader through it as casually and easily as possible.
That said, much as I like the ambition and concepts and even the writing to an extent, I still feel like the fic's a bit muddled. After following Tiff's story a good chunk of the way, suddenly we're tripped up and introduced to Magpie's. You know when you're eating a chocolate chip cookie and suddenly find you're eating trifle? Both are good, but the abrupt switch still makes you go "What is THIS!?" You don't enjoy it immediately. You're too busy wondering why your taste buds are giving odd signals all of a sudden.
Now, in a longer fic, is all right, right? Because once we've read enough of Character A's story to start feeling comfortable with them (or risk getting bored), Character B's story can then come in without much fuss. Or you could jump back and forth from one to the other from the start, so that we're all just waiting for the characters to collide and sparks to fly.
But what you're doing instead is sort of halfway between those two ideals, and it's jarring because it doesn't have either advantage. You've given us Tiff's set-up and her first real challenge by the time we're roughly a quarter of the way into 7000 odd words, so we're not nearly comfortable enough to be suddenly switching perspectives this soon. Nor has there been any indication that Character B had this story lined up, so after a while of his/her backstory, I'm getting impatient as to what this has to do with Tiff. It doesn't help that you start the Necromancer Queen's story with a boy, so without immediately guessing that this is the Necromancer Queen before a sex change, I spent a good chunk of it even more confused about what this was.
See, I kinda assumed from the get-go that Tiff was the most important character here, but the bulk of the fic weighs in favour of Magpie. I'd recommend, in that case, starting with Magpie's story, then when we're nearer the end of the fic (because Tiff's backstory isn't as long, as far as I can tell), then bring in Tiff. Or else rewrite this story so that Tiff's story gets more verbiage. Or write it with both backstories intertwined.
That last one might also fix the sudden romance at the end: I'll try and set aside my general reservations when it comes to romance as a genre, because personal tastes and all, but I think even a romance fan might be better rewarded by having some more chemistry between the two leads. Right now, their most significant interaction prior to that point is the Necromancer Queen telling her backstory. That's a fine first step towards an "emotionally intimate" relationship, given that they're telling secrets and all, but it doesn't feel like they have any real reason to commit to each other or to expose their more vulnerable sides just because they know why they each became a fake hero/villain. They literally just met! Going from that to a "happily ever after" kiss feels far too shallow for a romantic connection to seem credible.
That's probably why I felt the ending lacked punch too. I got the impression the plan was going to involve some staged battle where both of them "died" and then slipped out and lived happy lives in obscurity, which would've fit the general subverted-epic feel quite fine. The current solution doesn't feel like it would be convincing to the mob who are convinced this is basically female Sauron (at one point they think Tiff might be bewitched by the Necromancer, so a kiss is not going to shift that suspicion). Plus the whole romance thing feels too arbitrary. I'm fine with you shaking things up, but there comes a point where it stops serving some broader theme and starts feeling like you're using ideas any old how. The ending was that point for me.
A minor point as well: I praise the prose, but it does falter at times. You generally seem to be going for a more timeless, classic use of language, befitting a heroic quest story. Then we get odd lines which suggest a more modern spin, such as Tiff calling the Queen "hot". Then on occasion we get high-falutin' words like "verbalize". I think you should commit one way or the other. If it's subversive you want, add more modern words or style to it. If it's classic you want, edit out stuff like that, because it will trip readers up. If you want to mix the two, even, then do it more often.
Despite my complaints, I'm not too hung up about the general muddled feel. In the end, I liked the twists and turns you were going for, and got more enjoyment out of it than frustration. Slip-ups or not, you kept me guessing, and that's gotta be worth something, right? I'd say... high mid-tier, possibly strong entry.
What I particularly like about the general air of subversiveness in this fic is how it both exploits and fits into a traditional medieval epic quest structure, sort of playing along with it while also undermining it. Very consistent.
While I think the backstories for both of them are done well, the boy's/Magpie's/the Necromancer Queen's is easily the best of the two, with the outcast finding his/her mentor and fulfilling his unconventional dream. But in the early offing, Tiff being both benevolent (she notes how her reputation scares off a bunch of thugs) and opportunistic (getting free stuff, basically) was exactly the sort of moral grey that works best with such a deceptive set-up. I loved every second of it.
Lastly, the writing, one or two stylistic slips aside, is pretty comfortable to read; when you're playing around with concepts like this, it's important to ease the reader through it as casually and easily as possible.
That said, much as I like the ambition and concepts and even the writing to an extent, I still feel like the fic's a bit muddled. After following Tiff's story a good chunk of the way, suddenly we're tripped up and introduced to Magpie's. You know when you're eating a chocolate chip cookie and suddenly find you're eating trifle? Both are good, but the abrupt switch still makes you go "What is THIS!?" You don't enjoy it immediately. You're too busy wondering why your taste buds are giving odd signals all of a sudden.
Now, in a longer fic, is all right, right? Because once we've read enough of Character A's story to start feeling comfortable with them (or risk getting bored), Character B's story can then come in without much fuss. Or you could jump back and forth from one to the other from the start, so that we're all just waiting for the characters to collide and sparks to fly.
But what you're doing instead is sort of halfway between those two ideals, and it's jarring because it doesn't have either advantage. You've given us Tiff's set-up and her first real challenge by the time we're roughly a quarter of the way into 7000 odd words, so we're not nearly comfortable enough to be suddenly switching perspectives this soon. Nor has there been any indication that Character B had this story lined up, so after a while of his/her backstory, I'm getting impatient as to what this has to do with Tiff. It doesn't help that you start the Necromancer Queen's story with a boy, so without immediately guessing that this is the Necromancer Queen before a sex change, I spent a good chunk of it even more confused about what this was.
See, I kinda assumed from the get-go that Tiff was the most important character here, but the bulk of the fic weighs in favour of Magpie. I'd recommend, in that case, starting with Magpie's story, then when we're nearer the end of the fic (because Tiff's backstory isn't as long, as far as I can tell), then bring in Tiff. Or else rewrite this story so that Tiff's story gets more verbiage. Or write it with both backstories intertwined.
That last one might also fix the sudden romance at the end: I'll try and set aside my general reservations when it comes to romance as a genre, because personal tastes and all, but I think even a romance fan might be better rewarded by having some more chemistry between the two leads. Right now, their most significant interaction prior to that point is the Necromancer Queen telling her backstory. That's a fine first step towards an "emotionally intimate" relationship, given that they're telling secrets and all, but it doesn't feel like they have any real reason to commit to each other or to expose their more vulnerable sides just because they know why they each became a fake hero/villain. They literally just met! Going from that to a "happily ever after" kiss feels far too shallow for a romantic connection to seem credible.
That's probably why I felt the ending lacked punch too. I got the impression the plan was going to involve some staged battle where both of them "died" and then slipped out and lived happy lives in obscurity, which would've fit the general subverted-epic feel quite fine. The current solution doesn't feel like it would be convincing to the mob who are convinced this is basically female Sauron (at one point they think Tiff might be bewitched by the Necromancer, so a kiss is not going to shift that suspicion). Plus the whole romance thing feels too arbitrary. I'm fine with you shaking things up, but there comes a point where it stops serving some broader theme and starts feeling like you're using ideas any old how. The ending was that point for me.
A minor point as well: I praise the prose, but it does falter at times. You generally seem to be going for a more timeless, classic use of language, befitting a heroic quest story. Then we get odd lines which suggest a more modern spin, such as Tiff calling the Queen "hot". Then on occasion we get high-falutin' words like "verbalize". I think you should commit one way or the other. If it's subversive you want, add more modern words or style to it. If it's classic you want, edit out stuff like that, because it will trip readers up. If you want to mix the two, even, then do it more often.
Despite my complaints, I'm not too hung up about the general muddled feel. In the end, I liked the twists and turns you were going for, and got more enjoyment out of it than frustration. Slip-ups or not, you kept me guessing, and that's gotta be worth something, right? I'd say... high mid-tier, possibly strong entry.
I think your structure here is a bit flawed. You've essentially got two stories jammed end-to-end, and although it mostly works, it did feel somewhat stilted to me. By the time we're through Tiff's half, jumping back to Magpie's half feels a bit jarring. I'm not sure how well telling them consecutively would change what you're going for here, but synchronizing the crunch point for both stories would, I think, make this a lot stronger. Consider the latest Star Wars movie; as much as I might have problems with any specific plot (or how stupid Holdo's suicide gambit was in terms of lore or what have you) the fact that the writer climaxed and concluded three arcs in that single moment of Crowning Awesome was an incredible bit of structure. Maybe if you told the two tales simultaneously, but made it seem like Magpie really was dead until the 'You too?' moment, at which point the necromancy was revealed? I dunno.
Ah, however, if you do something like that, it might be worth re-evaluating Tiff's story a bit. While Magpie's story has a real sense of progression, Tiff's feels a lot weaker to me; it's mostly just found sword -> sent on quest. Magpie had dialogue, character growth, all that sort of stuff. I see you're running up against the word limit here, but if you end up re-writing this at some point, I'd suggest giving Tiff a bit more depth to her Hero's Journey, especially since she seems mostly feckless at the beginning, but is willing to go up against a necromancer later.
Maybe you could free a bit by cutting out the priest? His motives seem conflicted. At first, he seems to be blocking the hero from going up against the necromancer, and then he's trying to kill Magpie? I'm really not sure what you're getting at with him, but he kinda gives off a 'corrupt priest' vibe, except... I'm not sure what his corruption is supposed to be, or how he's trying to benefit from this situation. Well, all that aside, I'm not sure he even does anything useful for the story. Sure, Tiff saves Magpie from him, but you could achieve basically the same effect, I think, by just having Tiff not immediately kill Magpie, which she does a few moments later anyways.
I'll admit to being a little disappointed to discover that Magpie wasn't just pretending to be female as well, mostly because of the symmetry to having a girl portraying a male hero. Maybe, with a bit more space, you could go the extra mile and have Tiff mirror her a bit more in the gender-change thing? After all, she might still have that finger-bone.
As for the ending... I'm not sure that, if I was a peasant, I'd be convinced that Tiff wasn't bewitched. Considering the connotations of that word, kissing the necromancer seems like the exact wrong way to prove you're not under a spell. That being said, it didn't grate super hard or anything, it just felt a bit weak.
Now, I've leveled a lot of criticism here, but on the whole, I really enjoyed this. It was easy to read, with some fun subversion, and interesting characters. It'll probably do fairly well by me, even if it didn't knock my socks off. Thanks for writing!
Ah, however, if you do something like that, it might be worth re-evaluating Tiff's story a bit. While Magpie's story has a real sense of progression, Tiff's feels a lot weaker to me; it's mostly just found sword -> sent on quest. Magpie had dialogue, character growth, all that sort of stuff. I see you're running up against the word limit here, but if you end up re-writing this at some point, I'd suggest giving Tiff a bit more depth to her Hero's Journey, especially since she seems mostly feckless at the beginning, but is willing to go up against a necromancer later.
Maybe you could free a bit by cutting out the priest? His motives seem conflicted. At first, he seems to be blocking the hero from going up against the necromancer, and then he's trying to kill Magpie? I'm really not sure what you're getting at with him, but he kinda gives off a 'corrupt priest' vibe, except... I'm not sure what his corruption is supposed to be, or how he's trying to benefit from this situation. Well, all that aside, I'm not sure he even does anything useful for the story. Sure, Tiff saves Magpie from him, but you could achieve basically the same effect, I think, by just having Tiff not immediately kill Magpie, which she does a few moments later anyways.
I'll admit to being a little disappointed to discover that Magpie wasn't just pretending to be female as well, mostly because of the symmetry to having a girl portraying a male hero. Maybe, with a bit more space, you could go the extra mile and have Tiff mirror her a bit more in the gender-change thing? After all, she might still have that finger-bone.
As for the ending... I'm not sure that, if I was a peasant, I'd be convinced that Tiff wasn't bewitched. Considering the connotations of that word, kissing the necromancer seems like the exact wrong way to prove you're not under a spell. That being said, it didn't grate super hard or anything, it just felt a bit weak.
Now, I've leveled a lot of criticism here, but on the whole, I really enjoyed this. It was easy to read, with some fun subversion, and interesting characters. It'll probably do fairly well by me, even if it didn't knock my socks off. Thanks for writing!
The longest story:
This time around, and I'll suggest that it needs to be longer. For the romance angle to work at the end, I needed to know the characters better, watch them grow and become the two who would "meet cute" and fall for each other. I'll agree with >>Not_A_Hat, too, about the structural rearrangement: let us follow the characters simultaneously as they move toward each other even if Magpie's story starts, say, a hundred years before Tiff's. I'll also agree that the kiss doesn't quite work for what Tiff needs here. Very fun, yes, but in need of expansion.
Mike
This time around, and I'll suggest that it needs to be longer. For the romance angle to work at the end, I needed to know the characters better, watch them grow and become the two who would "meet cute" and fall for each other. I'll agree with >>Not_A_Hat, too, about the structural rearrangement: let us follow the characters simultaneously as they move toward each other even if Magpie's story starts, say, a hundred years before Tiff's. I'll also agree that the kiss doesn't quite work for what Tiff needs here. Very fun, yes, but in need of expansion.
Mike
Reading the three existing reviews, I'm a bit surprised to find discussion about topics in this story that are mostly unrelated to what caught my attention. Hopefully that means I can provide a little bit of fresh perspective.
First off, I should say that I regard this story in quite high esteem. It was the first story on my ballot, but if I had to guess about known unknowns, I should still think it's going to make top three for me. That said, the story still fell from "This could be a ballot topper" in the beginning (suffice to say, I think it was very well done) to merely "This is a quality story" as I continued on. I feel like this was primarily due to a decrease of care and polish as the 1k, 2k, 3k, ... marks were reached. Indeed, I even noticed a "hersef" creep into the prose later on, but more substantially than that, I felt like the personalities of Tiff and Magpie (and indeed the voice of the story itself) became sort of generic and hard to differentiate. As well, earlier on there was a clear contrast between the olden fable-speak and modern day-speak, and the latter was only occasionally injected for flavor, but by the time Magpie's story is finished, it was just the norm.
Speaking of post-Magpie's story, I got the impression that the author either realized he was about to hit the word limit, or otherwise ran out of time or effort, because there was a bit of unceremonious explanation-dumping at that point: “Wait, the same hole as…?” rather than including that in the story; “And that led to, uh, him?”; the six fingers and “Y-yeah, so, that’s why I’ve got plenty of magic now, but also why I’m a little bit evil."; “Just so you know, I kept putting off Asterion’s plans for raising an army of darkness, but I think he was beginning to get fed up. So you came at a good time.”
Speaking of Asterion, and also the priest, I find the reflexive homicide Magpie/Tiff committed on both of them was a bit out of character. Most the rest of the story and its characters reminds me of that blasted show with the cartoon horses, excepting those parts. Well, that, and Magpie taking a knife to the gut, but that was suspensefully enacted.
Like the others, I don't find that the romance really added anything to the story, nor was it sufficiently built up. It would still be more than heartfelt enough for them to merely bond as friends, and then later become lovers. Relatedly, although it was a little "cute" how the tomboy girl fell in love with the feminized boy by the end of the story, I'm not sure that it gained anything other than LGBT brownie points.
Another random minor nitpick (this review turned out a lot more disorganized than I was planning): The beginning of the story gave me the impression that this was set in a realistic medieval world, rather than a fantasy medieval world, what with all the fake prophecy-fulfillment Tiff was performing, the obviously corrupt priest, etc. It wasn't confirmed to be a world with actual magic, until the part with the skeleton.
Oh, one more thing: I know of only one Ulfric in anything, especially one that is a medieval lord, and that is Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak of Skyrim. Especially given your audience, it might give the impression of ripping off of that. I was also uncertain whether to properly consider the "cursed tower of Nyx" a reference to Past Sins.
Since I'm not good at concluding things, I'll just repeat what Not_A_Hat said, which summarizes my thoughts exactly: "Now, I've leveled a lot of criticism here, but on the whole, I really enjoyed this. It was easy to read, with some fun subversion, and interesting characters. It'll probably do fairly well by me, even if it didn't knock my socks off. Thanks for writing!"
First off, I should say that I regard this story in quite high esteem. It was the first story on my ballot, but if I had to guess about known unknowns, I should still think it's going to make top three for me. That said, the story still fell from "This could be a ballot topper" in the beginning (suffice to say, I think it was very well done) to merely "This is a quality story" as I continued on. I feel like this was primarily due to a decrease of care and polish as the 1k, 2k, 3k, ... marks were reached. Indeed, I even noticed a "hersef" creep into the prose later on, but more substantially than that, I felt like the personalities of Tiff and Magpie (and indeed the voice of the story itself) became sort of generic and hard to differentiate. As well, earlier on there was a clear contrast between the olden fable-speak and modern day-speak, and the latter was only occasionally injected for flavor, but by the time Magpie's story is finished, it was just the norm.
Speaking of post-Magpie's story, I got the impression that the author either realized he was about to hit the word limit, or otherwise ran out of time or effort, because there was a bit of unceremonious explanation-dumping at that point: “Wait, the same hole as…?” rather than including that in the story; “And that led to, uh, him?”; the six fingers and “Y-yeah, so, that’s why I’ve got plenty of magic now, but also why I’m a little bit evil."; “Just so you know, I kept putting off Asterion’s plans for raising an army of darkness, but I think he was beginning to get fed up. So you came at a good time.”
Speaking of Asterion, and also the priest, I find the reflexive homicide Magpie/Tiff committed on both of them was a bit out of character. Most the rest of the story and its characters reminds me of that blasted show with the cartoon horses, excepting those parts. Well, that, and Magpie taking a knife to the gut, but that was suspensefully enacted.
Like the others, I don't find that the romance really added anything to the story, nor was it sufficiently built up. It would still be more than heartfelt enough for them to merely bond as friends, and then later become lovers. Relatedly, although it was a little "cute" how the tomboy girl fell in love with the feminized boy by the end of the story, I'm not sure that it gained anything other than LGBT brownie points.
Another random minor nitpick (this review turned out a lot more disorganized than I was planning): The beginning of the story gave me the impression that this was set in a realistic medieval world, rather than a fantasy medieval world, what with all the fake prophecy-fulfillment Tiff was performing, the obviously corrupt priest, etc. It wasn't confirmed to be a world with actual magic, until the part with the skeleton.
Oh, one more thing: I know of only one Ulfric in anything, especially one that is a medieval lord, and that is Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak of Skyrim. Especially given your audience, it might give the impression of ripping off of that. I was also uncertain whether to properly consider the "cursed tower of Nyx" a reference to Past Sins.
Since I'm not good at concluding things, I'll just repeat what Not_A_Hat said, which summarizes my thoughts exactly: "Now, I've leveled a lot of criticism here, but on the whole, I really enjoyed this. It was easy to read, with some fun subversion, and interesting characters. It'll probably do fairly well by me, even if it didn't knock my socks off. Thanks for writing!"
You've got a strong hook, and I immediately like Tiff, but some of her background feels incomplete. She makes it sound like she's run off before, but she's not mentioning any other skills than being an acrobat, so does she just wander around until she finds another job as one? She also says these caravans aren't very plentiful, so that would imply she has a hard time catching on with a new one. What does she do in between? She must spend more than half her time doing so.
...And apparently Tiff is a prior incarnation of Ray Stantz, but who answered the question differently.
Now you're glossing over a lot. You're near the upper word limit, so I see why, but it's hard to attach much importance to these events of her visiting several towns early on when we get the most rudimentary summary of what happened in them. It wouldn't even take a lot of word count to do so. I mean, even with what you have left, you could have. But if I'm encountering word-saving already, I assume it's something that'll persist, so either this is simply a story that won't fit in 8000 words, or you need to be more judicious about what things make for good trade-offs.
The opening scene is actually a pretty effective way of delivering exposition, because it doesn't feel like exposition. It's catching me up to the present, but it's not really told as an after-the-fact summary, so it's pretty effective. I'm trying to think of how that is, and it seems to me it's because of the way you're going ahead and developing Tiff's character through this passage. She's changing already. That said, a lot of this scene is extraneous. As part of a longer story, I'd say keep it. It's fun, it develops her character, it effectively gives background, it starts with a strong hook, and it didn't bore me. All good things for an opening scene. But since you're fighting word count here, there's a lot of this that isn't critical to know. Say you just had a single paragraph to the effect of:
You could push bits and pieces of her discovering what the sword was and the tasks she'd accomplish since then into a couple paragraphs as she's entering Westholme. Not an ideal setup, but one that I think would effectively buy you back some word count you need. Once unconstrained by word count, yes, give me the full scene here, even more of it, but part of the difficulty level here is not just making it work, but optimizing it for 8000 words, right?
So when she arrives on this quest, we only get the barest reason for her being in a place she'd normally avoid, and what details we know about her quest don't really justify that. it may be she's just such a good person at heart that she'd help out no matter what, but I feel like I'm looking for more of a motivation for her to go outside her comfort zone.
Something feels a little thin about her backstory, too. People are making up great feats that she's performed, but the only ones she's actually undertaken have been pretty trivial. Nobody's asked her to do something difficult or dangerous? They think she can, so why would it never come up? And has she actually done some of these? How did they feel? Was she surprised she could? Or did she fail at any? Skip out? Did it harm her reputation locally? It seems not, and that's an incredibly convenient stroke of luck, the kind of conceit I might buy in a fairy tale, but this doesn't come close to the tone of one, so I would have expected a little more stark realism. The title kind of tends toward absolving Tiff herself of the discrepancy, except this is very much told from her perspective. It could be another author being so bold as to presume what her perspective was like, I suppose, but I have no evidence of that.
So Ulfric narrows his eyes, then nothing happens in between to change that, then Ulfric narrows his eyes... Yeah, these can be the kinds of things an author has trouble spotting in his own work, unless he can put it down for a couple weeks and lose familiarity with it before editing.
And now we do get the explanation of the girl. Not one her parents could have provided, of course, but her parents must have said something. And in yet another bit of convenience, this priest not only is the one responsible for the girl's disappearance, he immediately knows which peasant girl from some outlying town she means when she hasn't provided him any more information than that.
There's a little bit of incongruity in how the mob joins up with the soldiers escorting her. She doesn't describe their demeanor, only to say they're genuinely afraid, but if so, why are they going toward the source of the danger? Not that there can't be a reason, but show it to me.
So, the skeleton going by... I guess I'd like a little more description of what the inside of the tower looks like? I was envisioning the classic spiral staircase around the outside wall with a huge empty space in the middle, so at first I thought it had fallen past her, but I guess it just walked by her down the stairs?
And now Tiff is lusting after the queen. Okay, this comes out of nowhere. Tiff's never mentioned anything of the sort, in all the people she's encountered, so she'd come across as someone young enough to have no romantic interest. So when there's suddenly a full-on one, it's pretty jarring.
Given what just happened to the skeleton and this black knight's ungainliness, I wonder why Tiff isn't trying to shove him down the stairs.
Hm. At least this queen does have one advantage over Tiff: she does have real use of magic, and that's pretty significant. Tiff has nothing that suits her for her role.
Heh, is Vidalia a Baba Yaga?
Similar to Tiff's early scene, I feel kind of cheated about Magpie's background, like him devising clever solutions without us getting to know what any of them are. He even mentions one of the more difficult items specifically, but not how he got it.
The gender change is kind of sudden, and I'm hoping part of the point is that Magpie didn't notice it. He never reacted to the witch calling him by a female pronoun when they first met, and then we go through a time skip, and now he's calling himself by a female pronoun with no commentary on how he slipped into doing so. As to what it even means for him to change identity like that, I can speculate, but I'll wait for the story to tell me...
Curious that this knight is in love with someone he's never met. Provided, that is, that he isn't centuries old himself.
There's something I want to revisit at the end, but I'll mention one small part of it now. When Tiff holds Magpie's hand to see the sixth finger, the sensation of it is related from Magpie's perspective. The whole story up until Magpie's flashback had used Tiff's viewpoint. Since we had gone to Magpie's reminiscence after that, it's not unreasonable to shift, but it still feels a little odd. I'll see if you stay with her.
When Magpie at first declines Tiff's offer to sneak out, I don't understand what her endgame is. She doesn't have a plan at that point, so... is she expecting Tiff to kill her? Or at least have Tiff claim she did?
If Magpie's going to claim she's a little evil, I'll want some evidence to back that up. It's just kind of tossed out there, then left out in the cold.
Wait, let me backtrack. I also don't get why Magpie has continued to hang out with Asterion. She couldn't abandon him and shed her persona? Why'd she even get set up in the tower in the first place? Did Asterion carry her there before reviving her? That isn't clear. Though if he's capable of...
Okay, I need to backtrack again. When Magpie first found the grave, she wasn't strong enough to do the digging herself. Isn't she now, especially using magic? She could lose Asterion, but if he figures out what's up, he's just going to go find the real body and reanimate it, so Magpie would have to move it. If she can't do so herself, then it just cycles back to the same problem of having a confidant who might blab. Now she's also given Tiff a huge secret, so... why does she already trust Tiff with such dangerous knowledge? Either way, they're better off moving the body, since Asterion probably wasn't the only one who caught wind of its location.
And I'll state the obvious. Though Tiff seems an unlikely hero, she did what was needed, so fate made a good choice in having her find the sword.
Ah, getting back to an earlier point, at the conclusion of Magpie's flashback, you did that scene in her perspective, while the scene leading into it (and all of them to that point) had been in Tiff's. Then in the following scene, you go back to Tiff. I understand the necessity of using Magpie's for the flashback, but not for doing so in the scene after. We don't even learn anything vital from being there. Certainly nothing that couldn't be conveyed through Tiff's observing Magpie's reactions. The only thing that'd have to change is Tiff being oblivious to how the hand-holding affected Magpie. She might not understand what she sees, but she'd still have to see it.
And of course we have an immediate declaration of love. They've known each other for maybe an hour, and they're in love. Not just for the crowd's benefit, either. Deciding they like each other and want to hang out, possibly leading to a relationship later, maybe, but love already? Hell, were I one of the crowd below, this would even more convince me Magpie had bewitched Tiff.
And now we have the only big perspective break I've seen in the story. When Magpie's illusions fail, you're still in Tiff's perspective, but you're explicitly telling me things she can't see. That doesn't work. If she only halfway registered them, that's one thing, but it isn't what you're saying. Magpie's clothes changed, but did anything else? Was her appearance accurate all along except for that? Because the only basis for Tiff's interest in her so far has been a physical attraction, and that may have changed now.
Couple of little spots of close word repetition, but you can clean those up later.
Maybe I'm just dense, but I don't quite understand the ending. But here's my attempt. Tiff and Magpie lived happily ever after. Even so, I can't tell whether the grave is hers or the real queen's, so I'm not sure whether to take this as a time skip to after they're dead or not. It does seem weird that she's in an anonymous grave, because they had such a high-profile get-together that I have to think people would know who they were. I could see Magpie wanting that finger to be cut off and buried somewhere unmarked once she died. Plus Tiff would have been owed a great reward for her successful quest, though I could see her refusing it and going to live somewhere simple and quiet. The similarities at the end make me think this boy is going to be the next one to find the sword? Maybe the grave is figurative, and this boy and girl are Tiff and Magpie taking on new identities? That one's a stretch, but maybe. I'm just left with this last scene feeling overly vague, but then you ran out of space. And the previous scene had a really pat ending.
Anyway, this is a pleasant enough story of gender identity, but it suffered from not having enough space. There's too much I didn't understand. Was Magpie someone who felt feminine all along, and becoming a witch let her true self come out? Or just the process of becoming a witch turned her female, because only females can be witches? The comments about her maturing body felt unresolved, too, making me wonder if she's still physically male. That opens up the possibility that Vidalia had been rather cruel to her, unless she's okay with all of it. It all ends up being kind of glib, too, without much exploration of what it all means for her. And if the point is that none of it should matter, I can get that, but that doesn't mean it was an easy conclusion for her to arrive at.
The gender identity question is more gradual and apparent from Magpie's side, but not Tiff's, even though she was set up to be. She was described as boyish right off the bat, but aside from the obvious that women don't go gallivanting around as knights in this world, there's nothing else she does that could be considered non-feminine, so it feels like a missed opportunity. Not that she has to have her own gender identity issues. If she felt like she was masculine and it caused her anguish, It might feel like the story was far too much on point, in addition to that also being improbably convenient, and the whole treatment ends up being a little heavy-handed as it is. But it's worth at least a shallow exploration of this other side.
It was an interesting and fun read, though the shipping ended up being cliched and rushed.
One last thing, and this is only my opinion. There's nothing to say I'm right, but I have a suggestion on the story's structure. You start with Tiff's viewpoint, go up until she meets Magpie, give Magpie's backstory, finish out a short scene in Magpie's perspective for some reason, then go back to Tiff, until this ending scene in this boy's perspective, which I've already said I'm confused about who he is. But if you did this, I think it'd open up some more possibilities, and make it more reasonable to have that one present-day scene in Magpie's viewpoint, perhaps even intersperse a few more: Alternate their backstories. Star with Tiff finding the sword, then go over to Magpie as a young boy deciding he didn't fit in at home. Show me some of Tiff's early exploits after finding the sword, these little anecdotes I urged you to include before. Go back and forth between them. This accomplishes several things. First, if you do it well, it will be clear to the reader that these are two different characters, not some muddled kind of skipping around to flashbacks of the same character at different times. Second, the juxtaposition of their experiences as a boy and girl kind of heightens the story's theme. And third, it sets you up for having a perspective that can alternate, once we're in the present day and they meet each other. And only after that do we get to their actual meeting, with Magpie's reveal that she's a fake. Until then, her backstory could still plausibly be that of the real Necromancer Queen. Well, Vidalia does kind of spill the beans, but she doesn't have to. If Magpie is sent on this quest without getting all the information first, it'd be possible she becomes the Queen through taking on a passed-down mantle, the same as Tiff and her sword. It wouldn't be hard to rework that to make it blend in that way. You did the reveal of how she was accidentally reanimated not as a flashback, but during their conversation, so keep that the same, and the false identity still gets uncovered at the same time. And then the reader also realizes Magpie's backstory came before Tiff's, unless you do go back and tell of Tiff's early life, too. Again, just a suggestion, but I think it might be a better way to organize the story.
...And apparently Tiff is a prior incarnation of Ray Stantz, but who answered the question differently.
Now you're glossing over a lot. You're near the upper word limit, so I see why, but it's hard to attach much importance to these events of her visiting several towns early on when we get the most rudimentary summary of what happened in them. It wouldn't even take a lot of word count to do so. I mean, even with what you have left, you could have. But if I'm encountering word-saving already, I assume it's something that'll persist, so either this is simply a story that won't fit in 8000 words, or you need to be more judicious about what things make for good trade-offs.
The opening scene is actually a pretty effective way of delivering exposition, because it doesn't feel like exposition. It's catching me up to the present, but it's not really told as an after-the-fact summary, so it's pretty effective. I'm trying to think of how that is, and it seems to me it's because of the way you're going ahead and developing Tiff's character through this passage. She's changing already. That said, a lot of this scene is extraneous. As part of a longer story, I'd say keep it. It's fun, it develops her character, it effectively gives background, it starts with a strong hook, and it didn't bore me. All good things for an opening scene. But since you're fighting word count here, there's a lot of this that isn't critical to know. Say you just had a single paragraph to the effect of:
It all started when Tiff stumbled over a rusty old sword. In a lake, no less, after having run away from yet another performing troupe because yet another brainless oaf had decided that yet another slight boyish acrobat could provide just the companionship she needed.
You could push bits and pieces of her discovering what the sword was and the tasks she'd accomplish since then into a couple paragraphs as she's entering Westholme. Not an ideal setup, but one that I think would effectively buy you back some word count you need. Once unconstrained by word count, yes, give me the full scene here, even more of it, but part of the difficulty level here is not just making it work, but optimizing it for 8000 words, right?
So when she arrives on this quest, we only get the barest reason for her being in a place she'd normally avoid, and what details we know about her quest don't really justify that. it may be she's just such a good person at heart that she'd help out no matter what, but I feel like I'm looking for more of a motivation for her to go outside her comfort zone.
Something feels a little thin about her backstory, too. People are making up great feats that she's performed, but the only ones she's actually undertaken have been pretty trivial. Nobody's asked her to do something difficult or dangerous? They think she can, so why would it never come up? And has she actually done some of these? How did they feel? Was she surprised she could? Or did she fail at any? Skip out? Did it harm her reputation locally? It seems not, and that's an incredibly convenient stroke of luck, the kind of conceit I might buy in a fairy tale, but this doesn't come close to the tone of one, so I would have expected a little more stark realism. The title kind of tends toward absolving Tiff herself of the discrepancy, except this is very much told from her perspective. It could be another author being so bold as to presume what her perspective was like, I suppose, but I have no evidence of that.
So Ulfric narrows his eyes, then nothing happens in between to change that, then Ulfric narrows his eyes... Yeah, these can be the kinds of things an author has trouble spotting in his own work, unless he can put it down for a couple weeks and lose familiarity with it before editing.
And now we do get the explanation of the girl. Not one her parents could have provided, of course, but her parents must have said something. And in yet another bit of convenience, this priest not only is the one responsible for the girl's disappearance, he immediately knows which peasant girl from some outlying town she means when she hasn't provided him any more information than that.
There's a little bit of incongruity in how the mob joins up with the soldiers escorting her. She doesn't describe their demeanor, only to say they're genuinely afraid, but if so, why are they going toward the source of the danger? Not that there can't be a reason, but show it to me.
So, the skeleton going by... I guess I'd like a little more description of what the inside of the tower looks like? I was envisioning the classic spiral staircase around the outside wall with a huge empty space in the middle, so at first I thought it had fallen past her, but I guess it just walked by her down the stairs?
And now Tiff is lusting after the queen. Okay, this comes out of nowhere. Tiff's never mentioned anything of the sort, in all the people she's encountered, so she'd come across as someone young enough to have no romantic interest. So when there's suddenly a full-on one, it's pretty jarring.
Given what just happened to the skeleton and this black knight's ungainliness, I wonder why Tiff isn't trying to shove him down the stairs.
Hm. At least this queen does have one advantage over Tiff: she does have real use of magic, and that's pretty significant. Tiff has nothing that suits her for her role.
Heh, is Vidalia a Baba Yaga?
Similar to Tiff's early scene, I feel kind of cheated about Magpie's background, like him devising clever solutions without us getting to know what any of them are. He even mentions one of the more difficult items specifically, but not how he got it.
The gender change is kind of sudden, and I'm hoping part of the point is that Magpie didn't notice it. He never reacted to the witch calling him by a female pronoun when they first met, and then we go through a time skip, and now he's calling himself by a female pronoun with no commentary on how he slipped into doing so. As to what it even means for him to change identity like that, I can speculate, but I'll wait for the story to tell me...
Curious that this knight is in love with someone he's never met. Provided, that is, that he isn't centuries old himself.
There's something I want to revisit at the end, but I'll mention one small part of it now. When Tiff holds Magpie's hand to see the sixth finger, the sensation of it is related from Magpie's perspective. The whole story up until Magpie's flashback had used Tiff's viewpoint. Since we had gone to Magpie's reminiscence after that, it's not unreasonable to shift, but it still feels a little odd. I'll see if you stay with her.
When Magpie at first declines Tiff's offer to sneak out, I don't understand what her endgame is. She doesn't have a plan at that point, so... is she expecting Tiff to kill her? Or at least have Tiff claim she did?
If Magpie's going to claim she's a little evil, I'll want some evidence to back that up. It's just kind of tossed out there, then left out in the cold.
Wait, let me backtrack. I also don't get why Magpie has continued to hang out with Asterion. She couldn't abandon him and shed her persona? Why'd she even get set up in the tower in the first place? Did Asterion carry her there before reviving her? That isn't clear. Though if he's capable of...
Okay, I need to backtrack again. When Magpie first found the grave, she wasn't strong enough to do the digging herself. Isn't she now, especially using magic? She could lose Asterion, but if he figures out what's up, he's just going to go find the real body and reanimate it, so Magpie would have to move it. If she can't do so herself, then it just cycles back to the same problem of having a confidant who might blab. Now she's also given Tiff a huge secret, so... why does she already trust Tiff with such dangerous knowledge? Either way, they're better off moving the body, since Asterion probably wasn't the only one who caught wind of its location.
And I'll state the obvious. Though Tiff seems an unlikely hero, she did what was needed, so fate made a good choice in having her find the sword.
Ah, getting back to an earlier point, at the conclusion of Magpie's flashback, you did that scene in her perspective, while the scene leading into it (and all of them to that point) had been in Tiff's. Then in the following scene, you go back to Tiff. I understand the necessity of using Magpie's for the flashback, but not for doing so in the scene after. We don't even learn anything vital from being there. Certainly nothing that couldn't be conveyed through Tiff's observing Magpie's reactions. The only thing that'd have to change is Tiff being oblivious to how the hand-holding affected Magpie. She might not understand what she sees, but she'd still have to see it.
And of course we have an immediate declaration of love. They've known each other for maybe an hour, and they're in love. Not just for the crowd's benefit, either. Deciding they like each other and want to hang out, possibly leading to a relationship later, maybe, but love already? Hell, were I one of the crowd below, this would even more convince me Magpie had bewitched Tiff.
And now we have the only big perspective break I've seen in the story. When Magpie's illusions fail, you're still in Tiff's perspective, but you're explicitly telling me things she can't see. That doesn't work. If she only halfway registered them, that's one thing, but it isn't what you're saying. Magpie's clothes changed, but did anything else? Was her appearance accurate all along except for that? Because the only basis for Tiff's interest in her so far has been a physical attraction, and that may have changed now.
Couple of little spots of close word repetition, but you can clean those up later.
Maybe I'm just dense, but I don't quite understand the ending. But here's my attempt. Tiff and Magpie lived happily ever after. Even so, I can't tell whether the grave is hers or the real queen's, so I'm not sure whether to take this as a time skip to after they're dead or not. It does seem weird that she's in an anonymous grave, because they had such a high-profile get-together that I have to think people would know who they were. I could see Magpie wanting that finger to be cut off and buried somewhere unmarked once she died. Plus Tiff would have been owed a great reward for her successful quest, though I could see her refusing it and going to live somewhere simple and quiet. The similarities at the end make me think this boy is going to be the next one to find the sword? Maybe the grave is figurative, and this boy and girl are Tiff and Magpie taking on new identities? That one's a stretch, but maybe. I'm just left with this last scene feeling overly vague, but then you ran out of space. And the previous scene had a really pat ending.
Anyway, this is a pleasant enough story of gender identity, but it suffered from not having enough space. There's too much I didn't understand. Was Magpie someone who felt feminine all along, and becoming a witch let her true self come out? Or just the process of becoming a witch turned her female, because only females can be witches? The comments about her maturing body felt unresolved, too, making me wonder if she's still physically male. That opens up the possibility that Vidalia had been rather cruel to her, unless she's okay with all of it. It all ends up being kind of glib, too, without much exploration of what it all means for her. And if the point is that none of it should matter, I can get that, but that doesn't mean it was an easy conclusion for her to arrive at.
The gender identity question is more gradual and apparent from Magpie's side, but not Tiff's, even though she was set up to be. She was described as boyish right off the bat, but aside from the obvious that women don't go gallivanting around as knights in this world, there's nothing else she does that could be considered non-feminine, so it feels like a missed opportunity. Not that she has to have her own gender identity issues. If she felt like she was masculine and it caused her anguish, It might feel like the story was far too much on point, in addition to that also being improbably convenient, and the whole treatment ends up being a little heavy-handed as it is. But it's worth at least a shallow exploration of this other side.
It was an interesting and fun read, though the shipping ended up being cliched and rushed.
One last thing, and this is only my opinion. There's nothing to say I'm right, but I have a suggestion on the story's structure. You start with Tiff's viewpoint, go up until she meets Magpie, give Magpie's backstory, finish out a short scene in Magpie's perspective for some reason, then go back to Tiff, until this ending scene in this boy's perspective, which I've already said I'm confused about who he is. But if you did this, I think it'd open up some more possibilities, and make it more reasonable to have that one present-day scene in Magpie's viewpoint, perhaps even intersperse a few more: Alternate their backstories. Star with Tiff finding the sword, then go over to Magpie as a young boy deciding he didn't fit in at home. Show me some of Tiff's early exploits after finding the sword, these little anecdotes I urged you to include before. Go back and forth between them. This accomplishes several things. First, if you do it well, it will be clear to the reader that these are two different characters, not some muddled kind of skipping around to flashbacks of the same character at different times. Second, the juxtaposition of their experiences as a boy and girl kind of heightens the story's theme. And third, it sets you up for having a perspective that can alternate, once we're in the present day and they meet each other. And only after that do we get to their actual meeting, with Magpie's reveal that she's a fake. Until then, her backstory could still plausibly be that of the real Necromancer Queen. Well, Vidalia does kind of spill the beans, but she doesn't have to. If Magpie is sent on this quest without getting all the information first, it'd be possible she becomes the Queen through taking on a passed-down mantle, the same as Tiff and her sword. It wouldn't be hard to rework that to make it blend in that way. You did the reveal of how she was accidentally reanimated not as a flashback, but during their conversation, so keep that the same, and the false identity still gets uncovered at the same time. And then the reader also realizes Magpie's backstory came before Tiff's, unless you do go back and tell of Tiff's early life, too. Again, just a suggestion, but I think it might be a better way to organize the story.
So I really should get around to making full reviews of all of these stories but I just wanted to pass along my reading of the end of this one to >>Pascoite.
The boy is the person that Tiff stole the fishing rod from early in the story to try and catch herself some food and he is the real Hero of Light of prophesy. He Missed The Call because he was being all cuddly and cute with a girl. Had he not skipped out on fishing that day to go and help this other girl with something he would have been the one to find the sword instead of Tiff.
The bones are the real Necromancer Queen that Magpie got her extra finger from. "Happy" to be burred and forgotten and just left alone.
The boy is the person that Tiff stole the fishing rod from early in the story to try and catch herself some food and he is the real Hero of Light of prophesy. He Missed The Call because he was being all cuddly and cute with a girl. Had he not skipped out on fishing that day to go and help this other girl with something he would have been the one to find the sword instead of Tiff.
The bones are the real Necromancer Queen that Magpie got her extra finger from. "Happy" to be burred and forgotten and just left alone.
I had trouble getting into this story for two reasons. The first is that it's very high level, and I couldn't help but feel that I would have had more fun reading a version of this story that had many characters and scenes trimmed, with the ones that remained fleshed out a lot more. The second one is the bigger issue here though.
Now, I love the hilarity of Tiff's circumstances, and the subversions throughout the story were lots of fun, but there's something really, really important missing from all but one of your characters, and that's an emotional investment in what's going on.
You probably know who I'm talking about. Magpie, truly the only person in the bulk of this story who reacts emotionally to something. Her struggle with her identity and the desire to have her struggle be taken seriously are very well executed. I don't have a lot of experience in the subject, and yet you made me care about her. Nice! As has been pointed out, she's the strongest part of the story.
But let's talk about Tiff. Her story, while fun, doesn't seem to leave her too bothered. I can assume from the start that she's just an opportunist making use of a pretty sweet gig, but when things get dangerous, she just keeps going. Why? This is the perfect opportunity to have her freak out that she will die (or be found out). Or, maybe she walks in truly certain she can help because the last few weeks have gone to her head, but then she gets a rude awakening when she realizes how in over her head she truly is. Or something.
But she just goes. She fights for her life, and it's not going well, ho hum. How is her heart during all of this? Throughout the whole fight scene I'm picturing a blank stare on her face.
And what about Vidalia? She switches from telling Magpie to screw off to taking her under her wing with no indication that something changed. What does Vidalia get out of this arrangement?
I get worried when I see characters like this, because it seems like they only exist to love and support the protagonist. They only seem to make decisions to help Magpie, whether it's consciously, or by the author simply pushing them in that direction. And I mean, I know it's the author's job to guide your characters where they need to go, but it has to make sense in the story, otherwise I start remembering that someone is behind the curtain.
Oh, and given the talent on display, I know what I'm about to say is something you're aware of, but just in case someone reading this comments misunderstands me... I'm not asking to be told when characters are happy, angry, sad; and I'm not asking to be told their backstories and motivations up front. That sucks. But I was looking for more gestures, more bodily reactions, and more making character defining decisions. Show vs tell and all that. This story just seems to lack both show and tell in a few areas.
Now I'm gonna defend you a little bit on the structure, because I personally didn't find a problem. I mean, I don't have anything insightful to say about why I think it was fine, but I thought I'd at least let you know it didn't hurt my experience.
And I might as well agree with everyone on the resolution. It felt like a happy ending constructed for Magpie that everyone has sacrificed themselves to provide.
By the way I really liked the ending bit. I thought it wrapped up those two loose ends very nicely, and even gave a bit of emotion to a character! Even if it was a corpse, it was nice, and a good note to end on.
But that's all from me. Thanks for writing, Author! I'll be interested to see where this lands!
Now, I love the hilarity of Tiff's circumstances, and the subversions throughout the story were lots of fun, but there's something really, really important missing from all but one of your characters, and that's an emotional investment in what's going on.
You probably know who I'm talking about. Magpie, truly the only person in the bulk of this story who reacts emotionally to something. Her struggle with her identity and the desire to have her struggle be taken seriously are very well executed. I don't have a lot of experience in the subject, and yet you made me care about her. Nice! As has been pointed out, she's the strongest part of the story.
But let's talk about Tiff. Her story, while fun, doesn't seem to leave her too bothered. I can assume from the start that she's just an opportunist making use of a pretty sweet gig, but when things get dangerous, she just keeps going. Why? This is the perfect opportunity to have her freak out that she will die (or be found out). Or, maybe she walks in truly certain she can help because the last few weeks have gone to her head, but then she gets a rude awakening when she realizes how in over her head she truly is. Or something.
But she just goes. She fights for her life, and it's not going well, ho hum. How is her heart during all of this? Throughout the whole fight scene I'm picturing a blank stare on her face.
And what about Vidalia? She switches from telling Magpie to screw off to taking her under her wing with no indication that something changed. What does Vidalia get out of this arrangement?
I get worried when I see characters like this, because it seems like they only exist to love and support the protagonist. They only seem to make decisions to help Magpie, whether it's consciously, or by the author simply pushing them in that direction. And I mean, I know it's the author's job to guide your characters where they need to go, but it has to make sense in the story, otherwise I start remembering that someone is behind the curtain.
Oh, and given the talent on display, I know what I'm about to say is something you're aware of, but just in case someone reading this comments misunderstands me... I'm not asking to be told when characters are happy, angry, sad; and I'm not asking to be told their backstories and motivations up front. That sucks. But I was looking for more gestures, more bodily reactions, and more making character defining decisions. Show vs tell and all that. This story just seems to lack both show and tell in a few areas.
Now I'm gonna defend you a little bit on the structure, because I personally didn't find a problem. I mean, I don't have anything insightful to say about why I think it was fine, but I thought I'd at least let you know it didn't hurt my experience.
And I might as well agree with everyone on the resolution. It felt like a happy ending constructed for Magpie that everyone has sacrificed themselves to provide.
By the way I really liked the ending bit. I thought it wrapped up those two loose ends very nicely, and even gave a bit of emotion to a character! Even if it was a corpse, it was nice, and a good note to end on.
But that's all from me. Thanks for writing, Author! I'll be interested to see where this lands!
I liked this one. Some of the dialogue had jarring tone shifts that pull the reader out of the medieval fantasy world into a firmly modern tone.
A lot has already been said about most of the stories before I had a chance to read them, so most of the in-depth analysis has been done.
I found this story entertaining, gripping, and thoroughly enjoyable.
A lot has already been said about most of the stories before I had a chance to read them, so most of the in-depth analysis has been done.
I found this story entertaining, gripping, and thoroughly enjoyable.