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Twice Paid, For a Lie
Sugarcube Corner, so warm and welcoming by day, now played host only to shadows. Still. Quiet. The silence was broken as the door’s latch shimmered in a scarlet glow, lifting up, easing open. The welcome bell jingled, and uninvited hooves set wood to creaking as a hooded pony slipped inside. The intruder crossed the dining area, past the display case, only to pause before the stairwell. Hooves hesitated at each new stair, and any that responded with too loud a creak found themselves skipped. Slowly upwards in an awkward shuffle till the darkened upstairs hall was bathed in red hornlight. The pony skulked past where the twins slept unworried, past the Cakes, and came to a stop before the final bedroom.
A hoof rose itself, but stopped just before thumping against the wooden doorframe, and carefully drew set back on the ground below. Magic gripped the handle and turned the door, eased it open. The pony whisked into the room, coaxed the door shut. One breath escaped, a sigh as muscles were allowed to relax, and the shadowed pony turned towards the bed.
Pinkie Pie, already awake and attentive, stared back.
The intruder drew in a sharp breath, but they did not cry out despite the sudden accelerated tempo of their heartbeat.
“Hi,” Pinkie Pie said. “You know, it’s usually not nice to break into the homes of innocent ponies. Especially not today of all days.”
“I have my reasons,” rasped the other pony. A mare, by the sound of her voice. “I’d expected you to be asleep, however. That would have made it easier.”
“No it wouldn’t,” Pinkie disagreed. Her ears drooped, and a quaver entered her voice. “I know why you’re here. I know who you are.”
At that, the mare drew back her hood. An orange-coated, yellow-maned unicorn stared back, with red streaks in her mane. “My name is Codex,” she stated. “And if you know why I’m here, then you know why everything I’m doing is necessary.”
Pinkie turned to stare out the window, at the moonlight washing over the empty streets of Ponyville. “I know,” she said quietly. “I’ve known for a long, long time. Longer than you, even.”
Codex pricked her ears forward. “You have?” Curiosity, tinged with a hard edge. “You never said anything to anypony. I know that.”
Pinkie Pie chuckled sadly. “This is me we are talking about. But if you must know, Gummy told me.”
“Gummy does not speak,” came her reply.
“No,” Pinkie Pie agreed. “But he’s not like other alligators. Not at all. That’s enough, if you really think about it.”
There was a brief silence. “Huh,” Codex spoke, “I never thought of it that way before.”
“You don’t know that,” Pinkie said. “But it’s not just Gummy. Maud too. If you knew her like I know her…”
“I don’t,” Codex concurred. “Fine. I believe you. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Who would have believed me?” Pinkie asked. “And...I was happy. I knew it couldn’t last forever. But I didn’t want it to end. I don’t envy you. The others won’t be so easy. They lost a second friend today. Now you want to take away a third.”
“It’s necessary. You all need to be removed. And there’s no easy way out, not anymore.” Hornlight flicked open one of her panniers, and she produced a cupcake, then let it float towards Pinkie.
Pinkie took it in her hooves, stared down at the treat. “Will it hurt?” she wondered.
“Just like going to sleep. I promise.”
“Okie-Dokie-Lokie,” Pinkie replied. “I guess…” She looked out the window once more. “Goodbye, everypony.” She tossed the cupcake upwards, stuck out her tongue impossibly far, then yanked it back in and swallowed. One last tongue flicker to whisk a dab of red frosting off her cheek, and then she slumped backwards into bed.
“Goodbye, Pinkie Pie,” said Codex, and she crossed the room to hold her hoof. Pinkie was already unconscious.
Codex watched as the rise and fall of Pinkie’s chest slowed...and stopped entirely. Still, she held the pony’s hoof a minute more. “I’m sorry,” she said to nopony, and then let go and walked towards the window.
Codex had already opened it and started to wiggle through when the sound of approaching hoofsteps had her freeze in place. The bedroom door suddenly opened, and Mrs. Cake’s drowsy voice murmured, “Pinkie, dear, is everything okay? I could hear you talking, and I know you’ve been hit hard by-” She went still as she spotted the other mare, caught halfway out the window. Her head turned, saw Pinkie Pie laying limp and unmoving.
Mrs. Cake screamed, but even as lights started to blink on in other homes, the streets below were empty of all save the glow of Luna’s moon.
The uproar caused by Pinkie Pie’s body being found with the suspected murderer in the room left Codex far less room to maneuver. Celestia had deployed the Royal Guard in force, as murder was nigh-unheard of in Equestria, and now armored ponies prowled the streets of Ponyville by day, and stood vigil by night.
Mrs. Cake had not gotten a good look, however, and that left her some room to maneuver through a town in mourning. During her daytime visits, she couldn’t miss the narrowed eyes turned her way, but then, one pony she’d cornered had pointed out she was a newcomer, and right now? The one pony most likely to roll out the welcome wagon had been taken away.
In the end, it was several days before she was able to move on her next target.
Applejack slammed the empty apple basket into the waiting cart with enough force to set the whole thing to rattling. Her teeth ground together as she turned back to her sales stand, fetching the final basket, still full of apples. Sales were down. Ponies didn’t want to come to market, not with a killer on the loose.
Though the rational part of her brain couldn’t blame them, that didn’t stop her from glowering at the limp sack of bits hanging from the back of the stand. She turned away, lifting the basket to the cart. She placed it with greater care in the rear half, where every basket therein still lay laden with fruit.
When she turned back, she hollered in surprise, caught off-guard by the becloaked unicorn standing there staring at her. “Shop’s closed,” AJ muttered, smacking the stall to trigger the shutters, then gathering her money. The sack thumped into an empty basket in the back of the cart and she started to hitch herself up.
Rather than taking the hint, Codex had walked round the stall and now stood off to the side. She was peering intently at the cart, but soon turned her attention to Applejack. “I would have thought you’d jump at the chance for a sale.”
“You a customer then?” AJ drawled, though that didn’t stop her from pulling forwards, setting the cart into slow motion. The market was largely empty, save the ever-present Royal Guard and the lengthening shadows brought on by the slowly setting sun.
“Not...exactly,” came the reply. “My name’s Codex.”
“Ain’t a customer, ain’t got time for you. Now if you’d so kindly get outta my way, I’ve got a home to get back to.”
“Applejack, please! This is important.”
AJ’s eyes narrowed, and she stopped moving. “Now just how do you know my name, I wonder? Don’t recall ever seein’ you a day before in my life, and in case you weren’t in the know, I’ve recently lost three of my friends. So forgive me if I ain’t in a talkative mood right now.”
“My condolences,” Codex mumbled. “Losing a friend is never easy.”
“Losing? Wasn’t ‘losing’. They were stolen from us! What kinda sick monster would give poison to a kid? We thought the dragonbane was just a horrible accident, but after Pinkie Pie?” AJ made as if to spit, then stopped herself. “I haven’t been able to bucking think straight since Saturday.”
“I have something that might help,” Codex offered. “A present I was asked to give you. From your cousin in Appleoosa.”
“Braeburn? Well, now. Color me curious, I guess.”
Codex flicked her saddlebag open and brought forth a glistening red apple, letting it float before AJ. “It’s a new variety he’d like you to try. Says it might grow well in the Acres.”
“Mighty kind of him,” AJ began, “Now you have two seconds to tell me who you really are, before I call the guard. Appleoosa don’t grow no apples like that.”
Codex’s ears drew back in tandem with her slow sigh. “I suppose the easy way would be too easy, wouldn’t it, Applejack? I need you to listen to me, please! The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance.”
“And the fate of Equestria justified you killin’ my friends?” Applejack accused back. Her voice rose, “How does Pinkie Pie dying do any good for Equestria? What about Spike?! What about Twilight? What did you do to her?!”
With every word, her voice grew louder, and though the market was sparsely populated, what few heads were present were turning in their direction. Codex winced as the accusations flew.
“I wish I could explain it to you. I do. But I can’t. You wouldn’t understand now. Just...I’m sorry. I have to do this.”
“That’s some serious horsesh-” Applejack’s voice was cut off as the apple flung forwards and into her open mouth, as Codex abandoned subtlety and clamped down on AJ’s muzzle, forcing her to bite down. Half the apple fell to the dirt, but the other half was forced down her throat.
The market was starting to fill rapidly now, as more and more ponies were drawn to the commotion. Applejack swayed in place. Her eyes rolled back, and she collapsed, even as the first cries of alarm went up.
Hooves were pointing at her from every which way.
“It’s her!”
“She did it!”
“Murderer!”
The guardsponies had taken notice and began to gallop towards her, and at that, Codex broke into a run, heading towards the far exit. What was left of the sun was at her back, spilling shadows into the streets ahead.
Every street she passed seemed to sprout guards to join in the pursuit. Codex’s horn flared, and the ground behind her erupted, spraying dirt and causing shouts of dismay. She was galloping hard, the distant spires of Canterlot rising up on the left.
Codex veered hard to the left, ducking into a tight alley. Two guardsponies cut her off at the other end, while her pursuers closed in behind her. She didn’t slow, charging right for the pair.
At the last moment, she jumped. Not straight at them, but at an angle, towards the wall. The wall bowed inwards and she pushed off, springing upwards towards its neighbor, then off once more to bound over the guards and drop to the wider road ahead, aligning herself to Canterlot once more. The sun was once more at her back, Codex’s brief glimpse behind her showing it dipping down to the horizon. The guards spilled out of the alleyway moments later. They shouted at her to halt. She ignored them, and ran onwards.
Back in the marketplace, Rainbow Dash stared at Applejack’s fallen body. She’d been flying home, when her ears had caught distant shouting. With wings fueled by dread, she’d rocketed to the market, only to see her worst fears realized.
Tears stung her eyes as she flung her gaze to the nearest pony. “Who did this?” she hissed. “Who!?”
“We all saw her!” Colgate cried out. “She was an orange unicorn, yellow mane!”
“Yea!” cried out Lyra. “She went that way! The guards will get her! They won’t-”
Rainbow was already airborne in hot pursuit. The guards were easy to spot, a half-dozen armored unicorns chasing after one mare. They’d forced her off the main road, herding her north where they’d set up a blockade. There was only one way out, a small eastward alley. Other guards were racing to cut the exit off, but they wouldn’t make it in time.
Rainbow moved without thought. She saw the pony make the turn, then pushed ahead, skimming the rooftops and briefly losing sight of her. Moments later, she crashed to the ground at the opposite end. Yet, when she turned to confront her quarry...the alley was empty.
Seconds later, pegasi turned the same corner, only to slow to a stop as they caught sight of Rainbow’s bewildered, grief-stricken face. At her back, the moon rose high into the sky, but Rainbow didn’t notice through her veil of tears as a howl of fresh loss tore into the newborn night.
The days passed in a blur. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Wednesday...Rainbow couldn’t stay asleep. She barely ate. She ignored work. Anypony who tried to comfort her was yelled at until they fled. She’d even chased away Fluttershy, once. She’d gone to apologize later, but the damage had been done.
She spent most of her time sitting on a cloud, propelling it around Ponyville, constantly on watch for the unicorn. There were guards near her at all times, now, but she ignored them.
The other pegasi had spent the day forming clouds. It would storm later tonight, but Rainbow didn’t care if she got soaked. She would not abandon her vigil. She perched on the cloud’s edge, staring resolutely at the town square below.
She watched Lyra cross towards the town hall, raise her hoof to the door, knock once, and enter. Rainbow turned her head about to the opposite side of the square. She saw the Crusaders talking amongst themselves. She saw the mailmare with one eye on her, followed the other to an earth pony she didn’t recognize looking back at her as well. Her eyes swept to the opposite side once more. She watched Lyra cross towards the town hall, raise her hoof to the door, knock twice, and enter.
Rainbow flicked her gaze about faster now. Time Turner. Octavia. Big Mac. Cheerilee. Orange unicorn. Mayor Mare. Bon B-
Rainbow froze, then snapped her head back. Just there, tucked just past the entrance to the park, watching Cheerilee talk to Big Mac. She could hear the shouts of alarm behind her as she took off without warning, but that didn’t matter.
“YOU!” she howled, “You won’t get away again!” This time, when she landed, the mare was still there. “Who are you?!” Rainbow demanded. Her wings flared outwards, her hooves sank deeper into the dirt with every step closer. “Why? Why could you possibly want to hurt my friends?”
“Hello, Rainbow Dash.” She rose slowly from the bench, wearing the same cloak she’d had on days ago, the same panniers as before. Her neck turned side to side, making a series of small cracking sounds. “My name is Codex. Why? I did it because it was necessary. I wanted to do this quietly, but plans change. Unfortunately, there’s little time to explain.” She looked past Rainbow, at the guardsponies zooming close. “Your protectors seem set on not letting us talk.”
Codex’s horn lit, and Rainbow jerked instinctively to the side. She felt air whoosh past her flank. Behind her, a sudden thunk, and when she turned, a vibrating bolt stuck out of a nearby treetrunk. Her head whipped ahead again, where Codex had already discarded the crossbow and was galloping away. Rainbow snapped forward, churning dirt beneath her hooves as she gave pursuit.
The trees made flying impractical, forcing her to remain on hoof. The brewing stormclouds overhead left everything in deep shadow, but her quarry stood out in stark contrast to the surrounding flora.
There were no sudden corners here, nowhere she could simply up and vanish like before. Rainbow was constantly dogging her tail, always just a second or two short of catching her. Once or twice she snapped her head forwards, but the closest she got was spitting out a loose tail-hair and nothing more.
The park’s fencing was soon in sight, and the open roads of Ponyville ahead. Piercing whistles rent the air, the guard sounding an alarm to draw others to them. A brief glance back showed the pegasi had fallen short, but stout earth pony guards were nearly keeping pace. Dash made sure to keep Codex in the corner of her eye even then. No quarter would be given.
Codex jumped, somehow managing to leap the fence, but Rainbow was right behind. The guardsponies skidded to a halt, but reinforcements were pouring in. Celestia had emptied the barracks to safeguard Ponyville, and this time, no matter which way Codex turned, guards were closing in.
Sidestreet. Thoroughfare. Alley. Rooftop. Rainbow kept right behind, as escape routes were closed off, boxing their quarry ever more tightly in. The storm roiled overhead, and the first distant peal of thunder rumbled through the sky.
Then, suddenly, there was nowhere else to go. Codex had been herded onto an open road, blockade ahead, pegasi already landing on the rooftops, and guardsponies seconds behind Rainbow. Moment on moment she drew nearer the barricade, and Rainbow’s heart quickened, her lips peeling back in a feral smile.
Codex did not slow. For a brief moment, her horn flared, but all that happened was her cloak came loose, fell away from her body.
“That won’t save you!” Rainbow hollered. “Give up!”
Codex unfurled the wings she’d been concealing, pumped them once, and then took to the sky, soaring over the barricades. Rainbow skidded to a halt, and her jaw dropped open at the sight of the revealed alicorn. She was already far past the barricade and what pegasi had taken off in pursuit were clearly unable to keep up.
Rainbow Dash was no ordinary pegasus.
Codex fled across the sky, and Rainbow Dash followed. Further and further they rose, Ponyville dropping away beneath them.
“You’ll never escape me!” Rainbow howled to the sky. “I will never give up! You hear me? Never!” The storm clouds loomed overhead, but neither mare stopped as they plunged right into the tempest.
For a time, there was only water and darkness as each powered their way through the brewing storm. Thunder rumbled all around them, and once, the darkness was rent by a bright light as lightning crackled within the storm.
Then they were through, breaking free into the moonlit night above. And finally, Codex slowed, spun round, and Rainbow Dash skidded to a midair halt to avoid a collision.
“You killed my friends!” Rainbow hissed. “Applejack! Pinkie Pie! Spike! Twilight! Why?!”
Codex shook her head slowly. “No, Rainbow Dash. You don’t understand. I wish more than anything you did, but they took that away from you. From all of you. Only Pinkie escaped.”
“I don’t care what you say!” Rainbow howled back, while the storm raged beneath them. “You’re a murderer and a monster!”
“I’m not a murderer,” Codex said quietly. “Everything I’ve done has been necessary. I never meant to hurt you, Rainbow Dash. You’re my friend.”
“I am. Not. Your. Friend!” Rainbow spat the words into the air. “I have no idea who you are, and I don’t care!”
Codex looked at her, and her voice changed, to one that couldn’t possibly be. “No, Rainbow Dash. You are.” In those next moments, Codex...shimmered. The orange in her coat bled to violet. Yellows and reds of mane blended to a straight dark blue. Twilight Sparkle hovered before her, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Rainbow. I wish I could have told you everything. But it has to be this way. They took you away from me. They took all of you away.”
Rainbow Dash never saw the other crossbow until the ruby-tipped bolt took her in the chest. Even as she began to fall, Twilight started to fade into the moonlight.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered again, and then she was gone, leaving only stars as Rainbow’s wings went still and she plunged downwards. The clouds rushed up to meet her, wind and rain pounding her body till she broke out the underside. As darkness clouded her vision, the fields below rushed ever-closer.
Mercifully, she never felt herself hit the ground.
At first, there was only darkness, and a distant pounding. Something beating at the edges of consciousness that refused to come into focus. Pressure building, building, until suddenly everything snapped.
Rainbow heaved, emptying her lungs, hacking and coughing as she opened her eyes, only to instantly squeeze them shut. Her senses were overloaded. She could feel everything. The rough stone beneath bit at her back, even through the thin cot she lay upon. Each time she tried to open her eyes, even in near-darkness, the sheer detail left her cringing and moaning pitiably.
Her ears twitched. There was…”Whoa. Easy there, sugarcube. Give it time, your brain’s too used to being fed bullshit. Relax, ain’t no fuckin’ hurry now. We got time.”
Rainbow swallowed, her throat rasping and dry. She tried to speak, but only a croak came out, and a fresh round of coughing. This time, she found her voice. “App...le...jack…can’t be…you’re...”
“Dead? Shit’s news to me. Far as I can tell, I’m still alive and kicking.”
“Somepony made a sweeeeaaarr!” A singsong voice broke in.
“P...Pinkie Pie?”
“Hi, Dashie! Welcome back! Well, you never really left, it’s really complicated, and -”
“Maybe you should let me explain, Pinkie Pie.”
That voice. Dash’s eyes shot open, and she tried to roll to her hooves. “YOU!”
“Whoa, nelly, get your ass back down, Dash! You’re in no shape to be standing yet!” AJ barked. She was right. Rainbow’s roll had only gotten her halfway up before her legs had buckled under her, but the purple blob before her was unmistakeable.
“What the...what the...what the fuck is she doing here?” The word rolled off her tongue both strange and familiar.
“Silly Rainbow! Twilight’s the one who rescued us! And you! And soon Fluttershy, and Rarity, and then everypony!”
Rainbow shut her eyes once again. There was simply too much to process. Too much to take in. She felt a wave of dizzy darkness well up, and promptly found herself passing out.
The next time Rainbow woke, it was only her and Applejack. AJ held her in her lap, spoon-fed her some foul-tasting broth. “You need your rest, sugarcube. You’ve spent far too long not using those muscles of yours. Give it time. We’ll get you taking your first steps in a day or two.”
She had a million questions, but each time got the same answer. “Shush. Give it time. Eat.” And so, she ate. Spoonful after spoonful, till the bowl lay empty.
“What was that? It tasted like…”
“First time I had it, I said it tasted like rancid pig swill. It’s mushrooms, Dash. We mean to have more soon, but for now, we make do.”
Soon enough, Pinkie Pie poked her head in. She walked slowly, with none of her usual bounce. Rainbow could see her ribs, just as she could with Applejack, with herself.
“Twilight would like to talk,” Pinkie murmured. “Can she come in? Please?”
“I have nothing to say to her,” growled Rainbow. “I don’t want to see her.”
“Perhaps you will speak to me, then.” A deeper voice now, a shadow across the doorway, and then Princess Luna sat down before her. “Applejack. Pinkie Pie. Please. Leave us. I will answer her questions.”
“Princess?” Dash said, dumbstruck. “What’s going on?”
“Have you not put two and two together yet, Rainbow Dash?” Her doleful eyes met Rainbow’s. “I did not want this course of action. Had I my way…” She paused. “No matter. Think, Rainbow. Close your eyes. Remember.”
It hit her in a moment. A flash of green. Chittering. Struggling, fighting, battered by an endless swarm until her strength had failed her. And then...warmth. A foggy haze she had swam in for…
“How long?” she croaked aloud. “How long since…?”
“Over a year,” Luna replied. “Canterlot fell, and Ponyville soon after. The bulk of the swarm lay in reserve, and soon blanketed Manehattan as well. Fortunately...they lacked the numbers for more, at the time. It has been an uneasy stalemate, since. With millions of ponies hostage, any attempt at rescue would only lead to more death.”
“But...then...how?”
“You may thank Twilight for that. They could not keep her deluded forever, and despite my best efforts, she would not turn away from the truth. I fear we are not quite on easy speaking terms at the moment, however. She disapproves of certain choices I have made to shelter those I care for.”
Rainbow’s mind raced forwards. “How come you never told us any of this?”
“Twilight did, before. It was agreed a month after all was revealed to her, had she not returned, you would seek me out. That did not happen. The Caretakers finally moved on those ponies aware of the...altered nature of their world, and altered memories as they have many times before.”
In time, Twilight joined them, and Rainbow begrudgingly allowed her to stay.
“I’m sorry again, Rainbow Dash. Truly. The Changelings had to think you dead, and this was the only way. Each time I...acted...in reality, I was delivering a packaged spell, one that would send your body into a deep stasis and cut you free from the dream. When the Changelings moved to dispose of the ‘remains’, we were waiting.”
Rainbow lay in silence. Said nothing as the minutes stretched onwards. Finally, she asked, “What’s next?”
Twilight smiled grimly. “We have two more friends to rescue. Anything else is too risky. Celestia still raises the sun without knowing it, and she…” Her eyes flicked to Luna, hardened, then back again to Rainbow. “Has been kept in the dark. But when we are ready? The Elements are still in the Palace. And we’re going to get them back. And we have a weapon, now. We can move about the Dream ourselves, with Luna as our conduit. In and out under Moonlight. Gather intelligence. Practice. Train. Ready ourselves, so that when the time comes?”
Twilight took a breath. “The real world isn’t a nice place, Rainbow. I won’t lie. But it’s our world, warts and all. We will not be cattle to a swarm of parasites. We will not live a lie, however comforting. Life is pain, and struggle, and growth. We can be pets, or we can be ponies. Equestria is my home. Equestria is our home! And we’re going to take it back!”
A hoof rose itself, but stopped just before thumping against the wooden doorframe, and carefully drew set back on the ground below. Magic gripped the handle and turned the door, eased it open. The pony whisked into the room, coaxed the door shut. One breath escaped, a sigh as muscles were allowed to relax, and the shadowed pony turned towards the bed.
Pinkie Pie, already awake and attentive, stared back.
The intruder drew in a sharp breath, but they did not cry out despite the sudden accelerated tempo of their heartbeat.
“Hi,” Pinkie Pie said. “You know, it’s usually not nice to break into the homes of innocent ponies. Especially not today of all days.”
“I have my reasons,” rasped the other pony. A mare, by the sound of her voice. “I’d expected you to be asleep, however. That would have made it easier.”
“No it wouldn’t,” Pinkie disagreed. Her ears drooped, and a quaver entered her voice. “I know why you’re here. I know who you are.”
At that, the mare drew back her hood. An orange-coated, yellow-maned unicorn stared back, with red streaks in her mane. “My name is Codex,” she stated. “And if you know why I’m here, then you know why everything I’m doing is necessary.”
Pinkie turned to stare out the window, at the moonlight washing over the empty streets of Ponyville. “I know,” she said quietly. “I’ve known for a long, long time. Longer than you, even.”
Codex pricked her ears forward. “You have?” Curiosity, tinged with a hard edge. “You never said anything to anypony. I know that.”
Pinkie Pie chuckled sadly. “This is me we are talking about. But if you must know, Gummy told me.”
“Gummy does not speak,” came her reply.
“No,” Pinkie Pie agreed. “But he’s not like other alligators. Not at all. That’s enough, if you really think about it.”
There was a brief silence. “Huh,” Codex spoke, “I never thought of it that way before.”
“You don’t know that,” Pinkie said. “But it’s not just Gummy. Maud too. If you knew her like I know her…”
“I don’t,” Codex concurred. “Fine. I believe you. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Who would have believed me?” Pinkie asked. “And...I was happy. I knew it couldn’t last forever. But I didn’t want it to end. I don’t envy you. The others won’t be so easy. They lost a second friend today. Now you want to take away a third.”
“It’s necessary. You all need to be removed. And there’s no easy way out, not anymore.” Hornlight flicked open one of her panniers, and she produced a cupcake, then let it float towards Pinkie.
Pinkie took it in her hooves, stared down at the treat. “Will it hurt?” she wondered.
“Just like going to sleep. I promise.”
“Okie-Dokie-Lokie,” Pinkie replied. “I guess…” She looked out the window once more. “Goodbye, everypony.” She tossed the cupcake upwards, stuck out her tongue impossibly far, then yanked it back in and swallowed. One last tongue flicker to whisk a dab of red frosting off her cheek, and then she slumped backwards into bed.
“Goodbye, Pinkie Pie,” said Codex, and she crossed the room to hold her hoof. Pinkie was already unconscious.
Codex watched as the rise and fall of Pinkie’s chest slowed...and stopped entirely. Still, she held the pony’s hoof a minute more. “I’m sorry,” she said to nopony, and then let go and walked towards the window.
Codex had already opened it and started to wiggle through when the sound of approaching hoofsteps had her freeze in place. The bedroom door suddenly opened, and Mrs. Cake’s drowsy voice murmured, “Pinkie, dear, is everything okay? I could hear you talking, and I know you’ve been hit hard by-” She went still as she spotted the other mare, caught halfway out the window. Her head turned, saw Pinkie Pie laying limp and unmoving.
Mrs. Cake screamed, but even as lights started to blink on in other homes, the streets below were empty of all save the glow of Luna’s moon.
The uproar caused by Pinkie Pie’s body being found with the suspected murderer in the room left Codex far less room to maneuver. Celestia had deployed the Royal Guard in force, as murder was nigh-unheard of in Equestria, and now armored ponies prowled the streets of Ponyville by day, and stood vigil by night.
Mrs. Cake had not gotten a good look, however, and that left her some room to maneuver through a town in mourning. During her daytime visits, she couldn’t miss the narrowed eyes turned her way, but then, one pony she’d cornered had pointed out she was a newcomer, and right now? The one pony most likely to roll out the welcome wagon had been taken away.
In the end, it was several days before she was able to move on her next target.
Applejack slammed the empty apple basket into the waiting cart with enough force to set the whole thing to rattling. Her teeth ground together as she turned back to her sales stand, fetching the final basket, still full of apples. Sales were down. Ponies didn’t want to come to market, not with a killer on the loose.
Though the rational part of her brain couldn’t blame them, that didn’t stop her from glowering at the limp sack of bits hanging from the back of the stand. She turned away, lifting the basket to the cart. She placed it with greater care in the rear half, where every basket therein still lay laden with fruit.
When she turned back, she hollered in surprise, caught off-guard by the becloaked unicorn standing there staring at her. “Shop’s closed,” AJ muttered, smacking the stall to trigger the shutters, then gathering her money. The sack thumped into an empty basket in the back of the cart and she started to hitch herself up.
Rather than taking the hint, Codex had walked round the stall and now stood off to the side. She was peering intently at the cart, but soon turned her attention to Applejack. “I would have thought you’d jump at the chance for a sale.”
“You a customer then?” AJ drawled, though that didn’t stop her from pulling forwards, setting the cart into slow motion. The market was largely empty, save the ever-present Royal Guard and the lengthening shadows brought on by the slowly setting sun.
“Not...exactly,” came the reply. “My name’s Codex.”
“Ain’t a customer, ain’t got time for you. Now if you’d so kindly get outta my way, I’ve got a home to get back to.”
“Applejack, please! This is important.”
AJ’s eyes narrowed, and she stopped moving. “Now just how do you know my name, I wonder? Don’t recall ever seein’ you a day before in my life, and in case you weren’t in the know, I’ve recently lost three of my friends. So forgive me if I ain’t in a talkative mood right now.”
“My condolences,” Codex mumbled. “Losing a friend is never easy.”
“Losing? Wasn’t ‘losing’. They were stolen from us! What kinda sick monster would give poison to a kid? We thought the dragonbane was just a horrible accident, but after Pinkie Pie?” AJ made as if to spit, then stopped herself. “I haven’t been able to bucking think straight since Saturday.”
“I have something that might help,” Codex offered. “A present I was asked to give you. From your cousin in Appleoosa.”
“Braeburn? Well, now. Color me curious, I guess.”
Codex flicked her saddlebag open and brought forth a glistening red apple, letting it float before AJ. “It’s a new variety he’d like you to try. Says it might grow well in the Acres.”
“Mighty kind of him,” AJ began, “Now you have two seconds to tell me who you really are, before I call the guard. Appleoosa don’t grow no apples like that.”
Codex’s ears drew back in tandem with her slow sigh. “I suppose the easy way would be too easy, wouldn’t it, Applejack? I need you to listen to me, please! The fate of Equestria hangs in the balance.”
“And the fate of Equestria justified you killin’ my friends?” Applejack accused back. Her voice rose, “How does Pinkie Pie dying do any good for Equestria? What about Spike?! What about Twilight? What did you do to her?!”
With every word, her voice grew louder, and though the market was sparsely populated, what few heads were present were turning in their direction. Codex winced as the accusations flew.
“I wish I could explain it to you. I do. But I can’t. You wouldn’t understand now. Just...I’m sorry. I have to do this.”
“That’s some serious horsesh-” Applejack’s voice was cut off as the apple flung forwards and into her open mouth, as Codex abandoned subtlety and clamped down on AJ’s muzzle, forcing her to bite down. Half the apple fell to the dirt, but the other half was forced down her throat.
The market was starting to fill rapidly now, as more and more ponies were drawn to the commotion. Applejack swayed in place. Her eyes rolled back, and she collapsed, even as the first cries of alarm went up.
Hooves were pointing at her from every which way.
“It’s her!”
“She did it!”
“Murderer!”
The guardsponies had taken notice and began to gallop towards her, and at that, Codex broke into a run, heading towards the far exit. What was left of the sun was at her back, spilling shadows into the streets ahead.
Every street she passed seemed to sprout guards to join in the pursuit. Codex’s horn flared, and the ground behind her erupted, spraying dirt and causing shouts of dismay. She was galloping hard, the distant spires of Canterlot rising up on the left.
Codex veered hard to the left, ducking into a tight alley. Two guardsponies cut her off at the other end, while her pursuers closed in behind her. She didn’t slow, charging right for the pair.
At the last moment, she jumped. Not straight at them, but at an angle, towards the wall. The wall bowed inwards and she pushed off, springing upwards towards its neighbor, then off once more to bound over the guards and drop to the wider road ahead, aligning herself to Canterlot once more. The sun was once more at her back, Codex’s brief glimpse behind her showing it dipping down to the horizon. The guards spilled out of the alleyway moments later. They shouted at her to halt. She ignored them, and ran onwards.
Back in the marketplace, Rainbow Dash stared at Applejack’s fallen body. She’d been flying home, when her ears had caught distant shouting. With wings fueled by dread, she’d rocketed to the market, only to see her worst fears realized.
Tears stung her eyes as she flung her gaze to the nearest pony. “Who did this?” she hissed. “Who!?”
“We all saw her!” Colgate cried out. “She was an orange unicorn, yellow mane!”
“Yea!” cried out Lyra. “She went that way! The guards will get her! They won’t-”
Rainbow was already airborne in hot pursuit. The guards were easy to spot, a half-dozen armored unicorns chasing after one mare. They’d forced her off the main road, herding her north where they’d set up a blockade. There was only one way out, a small eastward alley. Other guards were racing to cut the exit off, but they wouldn’t make it in time.
Rainbow moved without thought. She saw the pony make the turn, then pushed ahead, skimming the rooftops and briefly losing sight of her. Moments later, she crashed to the ground at the opposite end. Yet, when she turned to confront her quarry...the alley was empty.
Seconds later, pegasi turned the same corner, only to slow to a stop as they caught sight of Rainbow’s bewildered, grief-stricken face. At her back, the moon rose high into the sky, but Rainbow didn’t notice through her veil of tears as a howl of fresh loss tore into the newborn night.
The days passed in a blur. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Wednesday...Rainbow couldn’t stay asleep. She barely ate. She ignored work. Anypony who tried to comfort her was yelled at until they fled. She’d even chased away Fluttershy, once. She’d gone to apologize later, but the damage had been done.
She spent most of her time sitting on a cloud, propelling it around Ponyville, constantly on watch for the unicorn. There were guards near her at all times, now, but she ignored them.
The other pegasi had spent the day forming clouds. It would storm later tonight, but Rainbow didn’t care if she got soaked. She would not abandon her vigil. She perched on the cloud’s edge, staring resolutely at the town square below.
She watched Lyra cross towards the town hall, raise her hoof to the door, knock once, and enter. Rainbow turned her head about to the opposite side of the square. She saw the Crusaders talking amongst themselves. She saw the mailmare with one eye on her, followed the other to an earth pony she didn’t recognize looking back at her as well. Her eyes swept to the opposite side once more. She watched Lyra cross towards the town hall, raise her hoof to the door, knock twice, and enter.
Rainbow flicked her gaze about faster now. Time Turner. Octavia. Big Mac. Cheerilee. Orange unicorn. Mayor Mare. Bon B-
Rainbow froze, then snapped her head back. Just there, tucked just past the entrance to the park, watching Cheerilee talk to Big Mac. She could hear the shouts of alarm behind her as she took off without warning, but that didn’t matter.
“YOU!” she howled, “You won’t get away again!” This time, when she landed, the mare was still there. “Who are you?!” Rainbow demanded. Her wings flared outwards, her hooves sank deeper into the dirt with every step closer. “Why? Why could you possibly want to hurt my friends?”
“Hello, Rainbow Dash.” She rose slowly from the bench, wearing the same cloak she’d had on days ago, the same panniers as before. Her neck turned side to side, making a series of small cracking sounds. “My name is Codex. Why? I did it because it was necessary. I wanted to do this quietly, but plans change. Unfortunately, there’s little time to explain.” She looked past Rainbow, at the guardsponies zooming close. “Your protectors seem set on not letting us talk.”
Codex’s horn lit, and Rainbow jerked instinctively to the side. She felt air whoosh past her flank. Behind her, a sudden thunk, and when she turned, a vibrating bolt stuck out of a nearby treetrunk. Her head whipped ahead again, where Codex had already discarded the crossbow and was galloping away. Rainbow snapped forward, churning dirt beneath her hooves as she gave pursuit.
The trees made flying impractical, forcing her to remain on hoof. The brewing stormclouds overhead left everything in deep shadow, but her quarry stood out in stark contrast to the surrounding flora.
There were no sudden corners here, nowhere she could simply up and vanish like before. Rainbow was constantly dogging her tail, always just a second or two short of catching her. Once or twice she snapped her head forwards, but the closest she got was spitting out a loose tail-hair and nothing more.
The park’s fencing was soon in sight, and the open roads of Ponyville ahead. Piercing whistles rent the air, the guard sounding an alarm to draw others to them. A brief glance back showed the pegasi had fallen short, but stout earth pony guards were nearly keeping pace. Dash made sure to keep Codex in the corner of her eye even then. No quarter would be given.
Codex jumped, somehow managing to leap the fence, but Rainbow was right behind. The guardsponies skidded to a halt, but reinforcements were pouring in. Celestia had emptied the barracks to safeguard Ponyville, and this time, no matter which way Codex turned, guards were closing in.
Sidestreet. Thoroughfare. Alley. Rooftop. Rainbow kept right behind, as escape routes were closed off, boxing their quarry ever more tightly in. The storm roiled overhead, and the first distant peal of thunder rumbled through the sky.
Then, suddenly, there was nowhere else to go. Codex had been herded onto an open road, blockade ahead, pegasi already landing on the rooftops, and guardsponies seconds behind Rainbow. Moment on moment she drew nearer the barricade, and Rainbow’s heart quickened, her lips peeling back in a feral smile.
Codex did not slow. For a brief moment, her horn flared, but all that happened was her cloak came loose, fell away from her body.
“That won’t save you!” Rainbow hollered. “Give up!”
Codex unfurled the wings she’d been concealing, pumped them once, and then took to the sky, soaring over the barricades. Rainbow skidded to a halt, and her jaw dropped open at the sight of the revealed alicorn. She was already far past the barricade and what pegasi had taken off in pursuit were clearly unable to keep up.
Rainbow Dash was no ordinary pegasus.
Codex fled across the sky, and Rainbow Dash followed. Further and further they rose, Ponyville dropping away beneath them.
“You’ll never escape me!” Rainbow howled to the sky. “I will never give up! You hear me? Never!” The storm clouds loomed overhead, but neither mare stopped as they plunged right into the tempest.
For a time, there was only water and darkness as each powered their way through the brewing storm. Thunder rumbled all around them, and once, the darkness was rent by a bright light as lightning crackled within the storm.
Then they were through, breaking free into the moonlit night above. And finally, Codex slowed, spun round, and Rainbow Dash skidded to a midair halt to avoid a collision.
“You killed my friends!” Rainbow hissed. “Applejack! Pinkie Pie! Spike! Twilight! Why?!”
Codex shook her head slowly. “No, Rainbow Dash. You don’t understand. I wish more than anything you did, but they took that away from you. From all of you. Only Pinkie escaped.”
“I don’t care what you say!” Rainbow howled back, while the storm raged beneath them. “You’re a murderer and a monster!”
“I’m not a murderer,” Codex said quietly. “Everything I’ve done has been necessary. I never meant to hurt you, Rainbow Dash. You’re my friend.”
“I am. Not. Your. Friend!” Rainbow spat the words into the air. “I have no idea who you are, and I don’t care!”
Codex looked at her, and her voice changed, to one that couldn’t possibly be. “No, Rainbow Dash. You are.” In those next moments, Codex...shimmered. The orange in her coat bled to violet. Yellows and reds of mane blended to a straight dark blue. Twilight Sparkle hovered before her, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Rainbow. I wish I could have told you everything. But it has to be this way. They took you away from me. They took all of you away.”
Rainbow Dash never saw the other crossbow until the ruby-tipped bolt took her in the chest. Even as she began to fall, Twilight started to fade into the moonlight.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered again, and then she was gone, leaving only stars as Rainbow’s wings went still and she plunged downwards. The clouds rushed up to meet her, wind and rain pounding her body till she broke out the underside. As darkness clouded her vision, the fields below rushed ever-closer.
Mercifully, she never felt herself hit the ground.
At first, there was only darkness, and a distant pounding. Something beating at the edges of consciousness that refused to come into focus. Pressure building, building, until suddenly everything snapped.
Rainbow heaved, emptying her lungs, hacking and coughing as she opened her eyes, only to instantly squeeze them shut. Her senses were overloaded. She could feel everything. The rough stone beneath bit at her back, even through the thin cot she lay upon. Each time she tried to open her eyes, even in near-darkness, the sheer detail left her cringing and moaning pitiably.
Her ears twitched. There was…”Whoa. Easy there, sugarcube. Give it time, your brain’s too used to being fed bullshit. Relax, ain’t no fuckin’ hurry now. We got time.”
Rainbow swallowed, her throat rasping and dry. She tried to speak, but only a croak came out, and a fresh round of coughing. This time, she found her voice. “App...le...jack…can’t be…you’re...”
“Dead? Shit’s news to me. Far as I can tell, I’m still alive and kicking.”
“Somepony made a sweeeeaaarr!” A singsong voice broke in.
“P...Pinkie Pie?”
“Hi, Dashie! Welcome back! Well, you never really left, it’s really complicated, and -”
“Maybe you should let me explain, Pinkie Pie.”
That voice. Dash’s eyes shot open, and she tried to roll to her hooves. “YOU!”
“Whoa, nelly, get your ass back down, Dash! You’re in no shape to be standing yet!” AJ barked. She was right. Rainbow’s roll had only gotten her halfway up before her legs had buckled under her, but the purple blob before her was unmistakeable.
“What the...what the...what the fuck is she doing here?” The word rolled off her tongue both strange and familiar.
“Silly Rainbow! Twilight’s the one who rescued us! And you! And soon Fluttershy, and Rarity, and then everypony!”
Rainbow shut her eyes once again. There was simply too much to process. Too much to take in. She felt a wave of dizzy darkness well up, and promptly found herself passing out.
The next time Rainbow woke, it was only her and Applejack. AJ held her in her lap, spoon-fed her some foul-tasting broth. “You need your rest, sugarcube. You’ve spent far too long not using those muscles of yours. Give it time. We’ll get you taking your first steps in a day or two.”
She had a million questions, but each time got the same answer. “Shush. Give it time. Eat.” And so, she ate. Spoonful after spoonful, till the bowl lay empty.
“What was that? It tasted like…”
“First time I had it, I said it tasted like rancid pig swill. It’s mushrooms, Dash. We mean to have more soon, but for now, we make do.”
Soon enough, Pinkie Pie poked her head in. She walked slowly, with none of her usual bounce. Rainbow could see her ribs, just as she could with Applejack, with herself.
“Twilight would like to talk,” Pinkie murmured. “Can she come in? Please?”
“I have nothing to say to her,” growled Rainbow. “I don’t want to see her.”
“Perhaps you will speak to me, then.” A deeper voice now, a shadow across the doorway, and then Princess Luna sat down before her. “Applejack. Pinkie Pie. Please. Leave us. I will answer her questions.”
“Princess?” Dash said, dumbstruck. “What’s going on?”
“Have you not put two and two together yet, Rainbow Dash?” Her doleful eyes met Rainbow’s. “I did not want this course of action. Had I my way…” She paused. “No matter. Think, Rainbow. Close your eyes. Remember.”
It hit her in a moment. A flash of green. Chittering. Struggling, fighting, battered by an endless swarm until her strength had failed her. And then...warmth. A foggy haze she had swam in for…
“How long?” she croaked aloud. “How long since…?”
“Over a year,” Luna replied. “Canterlot fell, and Ponyville soon after. The bulk of the swarm lay in reserve, and soon blanketed Manehattan as well. Fortunately...they lacked the numbers for more, at the time. It has been an uneasy stalemate, since. With millions of ponies hostage, any attempt at rescue would only lead to more death.”
“But...then...how?”
“You may thank Twilight for that. They could not keep her deluded forever, and despite my best efforts, she would not turn away from the truth. I fear we are not quite on easy speaking terms at the moment, however. She disapproves of certain choices I have made to shelter those I care for.”
Rainbow’s mind raced forwards. “How come you never told us any of this?”
“Twilight did, before. It was agreed a month after all was revealed to her, had she not returned, you would seek me out. That did not happen. The Caretakers finally moved on those ponies aware of the...altered nature of their world, and altered memories as they have many times before.”
In time, Twilight joined them, and Rainbow begrudgingly allowed her to stay.
“I’m sorry again, Rainbow Dash. Truly. The Changelings had to think you dead, and this was the only way. Each time I...acted...in reality, I was delivering a packaged spell, one that would send your body into a deep stasis and cut you free from the dream. When the Changelings moved to dispose of the ‘remains’, we were waiting.”
Rainbow lay in silence. Said nothing as the minutes stretched onwards. Finally, she asked, “What’s next?”
Twilight smiled grimly. “We have two more friends to rescue. Anything else is too risky. Celestia still raises the sun without knowing it, and she…” Her eyes flicked to Luna, hardened, then back again to Rainbow. “Has been kept in the dark. But when we are ready? The Elements are still in the Palace. And we’re going to get them back. And we have a weapon, now. We can move about the Dream ourselves, with Luna as our conduit. In and out under Moonlight. Gather intelligence. Practice. Train. Ready ourselves, so that when the time comes?”
Twilight took a breath. “The real world isn’t a nice place, Rainbow. I won’t lie. But it’s our world, warts and all. We will not be cattle to a swarm of parasites. We will not live a lie, however comforting. Life is pain, and struggle, and growth. We can be pets, or we can be ponies. Equestria is my home. Equestria is our home! And we’re going to take it back!”
Oooooh... Nice twist.
For a while there, I thought Codex may have been from the future. But the reveal was still surprising.
I wonder if Luna was the one to kill Twilight in order to let her out. But anyway, great job.
For a while there, I thought Codex may have been from the future. But the reveal was still surprising.
I wonder if Luna was the one to kill Twilight in order to let her out. But anyway, great job.
I really liked this story, Writer, once it became clear what was going on - my gripes about Codex and Pinkie Pie seemingly talking past each other, as well as Codex never really explaining herself, evaporated within the context of anypony having the potential to compromise her mission. Even my complaint that some random unicorn alicorn is able to pace Rainbow Dash in a chase goes out the window with the inclusion of Matrix-powers. This is the first time I've seen The Matrix crossed over with ponies, and you do a good job of painting Actual Equestria with the Desert of the Real brush (particularly with the mushrooms/Tasty Wheat reference).
If I had one complaint, it's that this isn't really a complete story. You've done an excellent job of setting up a much longer piece, and I'd love to read it, should you choose to continue expanding on what you have so far.
Final Thought: The Flexing Walls Should Have Tipped Me Off
If I had one complaint, it's that this isn't really a complete story. You've done an excellent job of setting up a much longer piece, and I'd love to read it, should you choose to continue expanding on what you have so far.
Final Thought: The Flexing Walls Should Have Tipped Me Off
I know what you are doing, author. The clues are all there, like a scarlet thread.
I'm not sure I can comment on this entry. Not right now, at least. I may return to it later, but for now, I think it'd be best if I leave it alone.
I'm not sure I can comment on this entry. Not right now, at least. I may return to it later, but for now, I think it'd be best if I leave it alone.
A quick aside; for the merry few of you who're into the whole author-guessing game, I've gone and accidentally submitted under an alias. Instead of Foehn, look for Nemoral. Why Nemoral? Because it's a lovely word, that's why.
With that out of the way:
Somebody is killing off the bearers of the elements, one by one - a tragedy, by any other name. But not here. Because something's not quite right...
I could swear I've seen this title around somewhere recently - at first I thought it was a submitted prompt, but it wasn't. Oh well.
A relatively strong entry overall. Opening with Pinkie's scene was a good idea. Without the flag that the conversation provides - the metaphorical promise that this story is more than it seems - I probably would've switched off fairly quickly. As far as the rest of the story goes; the premise was strong, and but the execution was lacking.
1. The central conceit - that of the matrix-esque setting - had already been used to great effect by TQ in a previous round. It's a conceit that relies on the reader not fully expecting it; however, because I (and a fair few others I'd imagine) have seen it before, it lacks the punch it should hold.
2. The piece jumps perspective far too much. Third-person multiple is a perfectly legitimate perspective to use - but jumps should be between scene breaks, author, not during scenes. It's jarring to have observations made from AJ's point of view, only to have another character observing her corpse a paragraph later.
3&4. Word count and dialogue. I've lumped these two together because I'm presuming they stem from the same cause; lack of time. Writing convincing dialogue in a short time limit is hard. And whilst the initial conversation between Codex and Pinkie is fine, the dialogue quality swiftly deteriorates thereafter, with Twilight's final lines reading more like something out of a marvel superhero comic than something said by an emotionally damaged Alicorn. Feels...tacky?
And I know you were pressed for time, author - but use the wordcount you have as best as you can. Your story could've been twice the length it ended up as, and probably could've benefited from the extra length to tell a better story. For the majority of the piece, I'm not invested in any particular character; only after a perspective switch to Rainbow Dash am I finally given a persona with which to empathise. If you choose to expand this, consider rewriting parts of the piece from her perspective, or inserting additional scenes in. Give me a wider window into her world.
Tier: Almost There
With that out of the way:
Somebody is killing off the bearers of the elements, one by one - a tragedy, by any other name. But not here. Because something's not quite right...
I could swear I've seen this title around somewhere recently - at first I thought it was a submitted prompt, but it wasn't. Oh well.
A relatively strong entry overall. Opening with Pinkie's scene was a good idea. Without the flag that the conversation provides - the metaphorical promise that this story is more than it seems - I probably would've switched off fairly quickly. As far as the rest of the story goes; the premise was strong, and but the execution was lacking.
1. The central conceit - that of the matrix-esque setting - had already been used to great effect by TQ in a previous round. It's a conceit that relies on the reader not fully expecting it; however, because I (and a fair few others I'd imagine) have seen it before, it lacks the punch it should hold.
2. The piece jumps perspective far too much. Third-person multiple is a perfectly legitimate perspective to use - but jumps should be between scene breaks, author, not during scenes. It's jarring to have observations made from AJ's point of view, only to have another character observing her corpse a paragraph later.
3&4. Word count and dialogue. I've lumped these two together because I'm presuming they stem from the same cause; lack of time. Writing convincing dialogue in a short time limit is hard. And whilst the initial conversation between Codex and Pinkie is fine, the dialogue quality swiftly deteriorates thereafter, with Twilight's final lines reading more like something out of a marvel superhero comic than something said by an emotionally damaged Alicorn. Feels...tacky?
And I know you were pressed for time, author - but use the wordcount you have as best as you can. Your story could've been twice the length it ended up as, and probably could've benefited from the extra length to tell a better story. For the majority of the piece, I'm not invested in any particular character; only after a perspective switch to Rainbow Dash am I finally given a persona with which to empathise. If you choose to expand this, consider rewriting parts of the piece from her perspective, or inserting additional scenes in. Give me a wider window into her world.
Tier: Almost There
I was directed here by somepony who shall remain unnamed.
Somepony (not I) wrote this sequel to my story, I must presume in part because I openly admitted that my prompt suggestion was "write a sequel or parody to any medal-winning story". It's luck alone that this is the first pony competition in more than a year that I wasn't able to enter due to time constraints (I gave nopony any indication that I would not be entering until a few hours short of the deadline).
I liked it; it was a nice homage, and it fit without needing to read the prequel. :twilightsmile: My impressions are mixed partly because there is a sequel in the works, and there's quite a bit more to it than a narrative which slightly extends the original idea. But I guess this puts the fire under my ass to get it out there soon, before other ponies start publishing sequelae to my own works. :facehoof: (I'm still stinging from Blink.)
If you have not read the original, it is here:
The Price of a Smile
...however, note that the ending is slightly spoiled in hindsight from reading this.
That said, my one critique is that this doesn't add much to the original other than the narrative. I suspect this was in part because the homage was intended not to step on hooves, and I appreciate that, but more story is needed to make this stand out from that which it borrows.
All that said, I am humbled and honored. :heart:
Somepony (not I) wrote this sequel to my story, I must presume in part because I openly admitted that my prompt suggestion was "write a sequel or parody to any medal-winning story". It's luck alone that this is the first pony competition in more than a year that I wasn't able to enter due to time constraints (I gave nopony any indication that I would not be entering until a few hours short of the deadline).
I liked it; it was a nice homage, and it fit without needing to read the prequel. :twilightsmile: My impressions are mixed partly because there is a sequel in the works, and there's quite a bit more to it than a narrative which slightly extends the original idea. But I guess this puts the fire under my ass to get it out there soon, before other ponies start publishing sequelae to my own works. :facehoof: (I'm still stinging from Blink.)
If you have not read the original, it is here:
The Price of a Smile
...however, note that the ending is slightly spoiled in hindsight from reading this.
That said, my one critique is that this doesn't add much to the original other than the narrative. I suspect this was in part because the homage was intended not to step on hooves, and I appreciate that, but more story is needed to make this stand out from that which it borrows.
All that said, I am humbled and honored. :heart:
I think this is the last story I need to review, and wow, it tried to bite off a lot, here. So, a sequel to someone else's story - I know Lost Cities has done that before, I'm not sure what else has though I bet others have tried.
Strengths : Stuff I thought is a mistake at first turns out to be intentional, such as this :
Odd things like the wall 'bending' is another example. Those, I very much liked. The opening conversation with Pinkie works very well for me too, because it tells me as a reader 'Hey, there's more going on here than is apparent at first glance'. If it had just gone straight to her 'killing' AJ, it would falter hard, because the reader has no reason to accept there's more than meets the eye.
However, the bad :
The last scene with Luna has a lot of exposition dump. That should be reworked. Rainbow's whole chase scenario should be polished up too; sometimes it felt more tell-ey to me. Lastly, sell why the 'killing' is necessary.
Still, I think this has a lot going for it, and with work and revision can be really good.
Strengths : Stuff I thought is a mistake at first turns out to be intentional, such as this :
She turned away, lifting the basket to the cart. She placed it with greater care in the rear half, where every basket therein still lay laden with fruit -> The sack thumped into an empty basket in the back of the cart and she started to hitch herself up.
Odd things like the wall 'bending' is another example. Those, I very much liked. The opening conversation with Pinkie works very well for me too, because it tells me as a reader 'Hey, there's more going on here than is apparent at first glance'. If it had just gone straight to her 'killing' AJ, it would falter hard, because the reader has no reason to accept there's more than meets the eye.
However, the bad :
The last scene with Luna has a lot of exposition dump. That should be reworked. Rainbow's whole chase scenario should be polished up too; sometimes it felt more tell-ey to me. Lastly, sell why the 'killing' is necessary.
Still, I think this has a lot going for it, and with work and revision can be really good.
So yes, I wrote this thing. I don't know exactly what set it off - I think I wanted to do something akin to the first scene with Trinity in the Matrix, and it kind of grew from there. In part, too, because I wanted to address what I see as the prime philosophical question in Smile - Namely, should they let the ponies stay dreaming, or should they attempt for freedom?
To me, there really is no question there. I come down very hard on the latter side. So, what grew out of there was the following :
Twilight has had time to recover, and in that time has decided very strongly she's going all out to save Equestria. Luna finally agrees to this, albeit reluctantly, because on some level Luna just wants to turn herself in and be free of itall. The reason Luna is never present visibly is she's serving as a 'conduit' if you will, akin to the Operators in the Matrix - her active intervention is necessary to keep Twilight in the world.
I retained the Phonebooths from Matrix, only in this it is Moonlight - Luna can add/remove Twilight only under moonlight, which is why the AJ chase is so long whereas with Pinkie she's able to vanish instantly, and with Dash she has to break the cloud cover.
The reason she is 'killing' her friends is because the 'Lings as I see it don't actually control all of Equestria - we're talking one hive here against a nation of presumably a hundred million or so if it's analogous to the same era in the USA. So I went ahead and checked out where S3/S4/S5 largely visited and it was pretty much 'Crystal Empire (Entirely faked), Ponyville, Canterlot, and Manehattan' - thus the backstory is that the rest of Equestria is held at bay by the threat of 'If you try to take this back, we'll drain all the ponies and disappear'; this way they remain alive, if imprisoned, so there's a cold war going on.
With Twilight, this means she needs them to not realize she's awake and active - so the goal of Codex is to make them think somepony or something has gone wrong in their Dream and is targeting the Elements. Thus, the Lings won't expect there's a real-world actor until too late, and be unable to retaliate against their loved ones, since they don't even know the Elements are acting against them.
The Smile world, after all, is more brutal as the true Buffalo scenario shows in the original piece.
Bridging to 'Why don't her friends know?' was easy - someone fucked up, the Lings got wise, and so memory-scrambled everyone in the original 'study group' again, as well as AJ & co. There's a bit of a hole here in figuring out where they think Twilight is; I was leaning towards Luna/Twi faked that she'd passed on as well, and nobody in the Dream knows because that's less desirable knowledge.
The other big story point I couldn't find a way to get across was Celestia - Luna opines in the original about Celestia not knowing, and being unwilling to tell her because she's happy. It was a simple leap for me from there to have it be Luna is actively intervening to keep Celestia from realizing - that she's been editing Celestia's memories in the same way, because to her PoV, her sister is happy in the false world, and after Celestia endured so many centuries of pain and isolation and stress, Luna would rather she live a happy lie than be forced to face the magnitude of her last failure.
To Twilight, that reasoning means nothing - what makes her accept the status quo is the Changelings are using Celestia to move the sun (and possibly moon), and so to free her too soon would be to alert them to what's going on. Still, it's one of those 'It rankles at her, and she's livid Luna has been preventing Celestia from doing anything at all, even if it's to play resistance leader on the inside'.
So once I had all that down, I set out to actually -do- stuff. Which meant we have Codex (Not-Twilight) during her thing. I debated having her have conversations with 'Artemis' - preserving the 'Code name related to their interests/domain, but not immediately obvious', but I thought even Artemis would make it too obvious too soon. I think in the publishable version I will because I can use it for small bits of exposition dump and explore some of the bits - like Celestia's inaction - that I had to leave out in this entry.
I seeded the story with all sorts of 'glitches' ongoing. Off the top of my head I know there's AJ's cart having the apple barrels change position, guardsponies changing Pony Tribe during chases, Codex wall-jumping off malleable walls, and moments of high-stress allowing 'original' language to pop through. I'm curious if anyone picked them up.
And admittedly wishing more had actually commented on it, because right now I have no idea if anyone did see that or not, besides >>Icenrose (And thanks for calling it out, because I appreciated it!)
There's other fun stuff I want to play with in it, too. Like that Twilight in full possession of both sets of memories is something of a badass. It has the more 'real' Twilight's knowledge of how cruel the world can be combined with Princess Twilight's growth as a leader; whereas 'real' Twilight would be too afraid to act decisively because she lacks the experience/conviction, and Princess Twilight would be far too horrified by reality to handle it, the melding of the two produces Twilight Sparkle, Rebel Leader.
Or play with some more of how Luna still thinks this is doomed to fail, but is going along because isolation is even worse and so there's a conflict between her inner self-loathing, her desire to not be alone, and her belief that in many ways they'd be better off helping the Changelings introduce a breeding program, then be re-cocooned. Or cocooned for the first time in Luna's case, it's uncertain if they ever actually caught her.
Anyhow, onto what I think most needs work :
1. Action scenes - I'm less good at writing those, and to me they still feel flat, but I don't quite know what I'm missing. It's one of those 'I can sense something's not there, but unsure what'
2. Codex's plan - Specifically, sell the 'killing' better. The original plan had her talking AJ into it, then Rainbow seeing it happen and giving chase. Later when Codex comes back, and it's clear Rainbow won't listen, she crossbows her; in that, the other three who are 'Out' of Spike, Pinkie, and AJ, all understood what was up, but Rainbow Dash is too hotheaded to listen.
3. Developing the 'mythos' aspects - I think Codex - Artemis conversations as chapter bookends may work for this. But if so, I need to be very careful not to give away too much what's going on for new readers.
Oh! And I also wonder if anyone noticed what the Cupcake/Apple/Crossbow bolt all have in common - that's another egg and a callback to the Matrix. Spoiler : They're all Red
Then another, with Pinkie 'Knowing' - this I really like and do think it works well, and her rationale - that Gummy never grows bigger, and that Maud isn't Maud - keep with oddities from the show. The Gator is obvious, but with Maud I'm playing with the idea real-Maud is actually a very very bombastic individual; that she tried to rescue Pinkie, only to get caught; and that the reason she's so low-affect is that the 'Dream' is suppressing her more strongly than other ponies. When Pinkie says she's never seen Maud so happy in-show? It's true, because Pinkie can somehow see the 'real' Maud buried under the layers of Dream-conditioning.
And the last big thing I still want to work in if I can figure out a way : That the Changelings are using the Dream to test scenarios. Specifically, things like 'How do we beat Sombra?' 'How do we beat Tirek?' and so forth. And that when the Elements face them, its all bets off and a whole lot less palatable - only to have their memories written to show-versions after, because of course 'Tirek drains ponies and very soon after they die' doesn't gel with the happy go lucky world they face. If I make this more long-form I might incorporate that again, because it'd make it a double-crossover! But it's probably trying to put in too much; that'd be more for a prequel or something.
But overall, this suffered as many of my WO entries do due to work schedule. The new WO is nice in that it gives me a ton of time Sunday to work - and I did, as I stayed up all night and was still doing edits right up till the deadline - but there never was really time to do a solid first draft, then a full revision or two like I wanted.
...I am so tired of working weekends.
>>ZaidValRoa
See Trick Question's comment - the original story shows how Twilight gets out.
>>Everyday
So, can you elaborate on this now? Because that comment is still confusing the heck out of me.
>>Foehn
You were SO CLOSE to making the last leap, Foehn, as to why they are so similar. Alas :p
But thank you for the detailed feedback because I do agree with nearly all of it.
>>Trick_Question
Oh, I'm fine with stepping on your hooves! Buuut lack of time stopped me from adding more to the basic narrative. What I want it to be is a rebuttal to the idea that a Happy False Reality is better than an Unpalatable True One.
But yea as you can see there's a lot I had going on there I couldn't incorporate.
To me, there really is no question there. I come down very hard on the latter side. So, what grew out of there was the following :
Twilight has had time to recover, and in that time has decided very strongly she's going all out to save Equestria. Luna finally agrees to this, albeit reluctantly, because on some level Luna just wants to turn herself in and be free of itall. The reason Luna is never present visibly is she's serving as a 'conduit' if you will, akin to the Operators in the Matrix - her active intervention is necessary to keep Twilight in the world.
I retained the Phonebooths from Matrix, only in this it is Moonlight - Luna can add/remove Twilight only under moonlight, which is why the AJ chase is so long whereas with Pinkie she's able to vanish instantly, and with Dash she has to break the cloud cover.
The reason she is 'killing' her friends is because the 'Lings as I see it don't actually control all of Equestria - we're talking one hive here against a nation of presumably a hundred million or so if it's analogous to the same era in the USA. So I went ahead and checked out where S3/S4/S5 largely visited and it was pretty much 'Crystal Empire (Entirely faked), Ponyville, Canterlot, and Manehattan' - thus the backstory is that the rest of Equestria is held at bay by the threat of 'If you try to take this back, we'll drain all the ponies and disappear'; this way they remain alive, if imprisoned, so there's a cold war going on.
With Twilight, this means she needs them to not realize she's awake and active - so the goal of Codex is to make them think somepony or something has gone wrong in their Dream and is targeting the Elements. Thus, the Lings won't expect there's a real-world actor until too late, and be unable to retaliate against their loved ones, since they don't even know the Elements are acting against them.
The Smile world, after all, is more brutal as the true Buffalo scenario shows in the original piece.
Bridging to 'Why don't her friends know?' was easy - someone fucked up, the Lings got wise, and so memory-scrambled everyone in the original 'study group' again, as well as AJ & co. There's a bit of a hole here in figuring out where they think Twilight is; I was leaning towards Luna/Twi faked that she'd passed on as well, and nobody in the Dream knows because that's less desirable knowledge.
The other big story point I couldn't find a way to get across was Celestia - Luna opines in the original about Celestia not knowing, and being unwilling to tell her because she's happy. It was a simple leap for me from there to have it be Luna is actively intervening to keep Celestia from realizing - that she's been editing Celestia's memories in the same way, because to her PoV, her sister is happy in the false world, and after Celestia endured so many centuries of pain and isolation and stress, Luna would rather she live a happy lie than be forced to face the magnitude of her last failure.
To Twilight, that reasoning means nothing - what makes her accept the status quo is the Changelings are using Celestia to move the sun (and possibly moon), and so to free her too soon would be to alert them to what's going on. Still, it's one of those 'It rankles at her, and she's livid Luna has been preventing Celestia from doing anything at all, even if it's to play resistance leader on the inside'.
So once I had all that down, I set out to actually -do- stuff. Which meant we have Codex (Not-Twilight) during her thing. I debated having her have conversations with 'Artemis' - preserving the 'Code name related to their interests/domain, but not immediately obvious', but I thought even Artemis would make it too obvious too soon. I think in the publishable version I will because I can use it for small bits of exposition dump and explore some of the bits - like Celestia's inaction - that I had to leave out in this entry.
I seeded the story with all sorts of 'glitches' ongoing. Off the top of my head I know there's AJ's cart having the apple barrels change position, guardsponies changing Pony Tribe during chases, Codex wall-jumping off malleable walls, and moments of high-stress allowing 'original' language to pop through. I'm curious if anyone picked them up.
And admittedly wishing more had actually commented on it, because right now I have no idea if anyone did see that or not, besides >>Icenrose (And thanks for calling it out, because I appreciated it!)
There's other fun stuff I want to play with in it, too. Like that Twilight in full possession of both sets of memories is something of a badass. It has the more 'real' Twilight's knowledge of how cruel the world can be combined with Princess Twilight's growth as a leader; whereas 'real' Twilight would be too afraid to act decisively because she lacks the experience/conviction, and Princess Twilight would be far too horrified by reality to handle it, the melding of the two produces Twilight Sparkle, Rebel Leader.
Or play with some more of how Luna still thinks this is doomed to fail, but is going along because isolation is even worse and so there's a conflict between her inner self-loathing, her desire to not be alone, and her belief that in many ways they'd be better off helping the Changelings introduce a breeding program, then be re-cocooned. Or cocooned for the first time in Luna's case, it's uncertain if they ever actually caught her.
Anyhow, onto what I think most needs work :
1. Action scenes - I'm less good at writing those, and to me they still feel flat, but I don't quite know what I'm missing. It's one of those 'I can sense something's not there, but unsure what'
2. Codex's plan - Specifically, sell the 'killing' better. The original plan had her talking AJ into it, then Rainbow seeing it happen and giving chase. Later when Codex comes back, and it's clear Rainbow won't listen, she crossbows her; in that, the other three who are 'Out' of Spike, Pinkie, and AJ, all understood what was up, but Rainbow Dash is too hotheaded to listen.
3. Developing the 'mythos' aspects - I think Codex - Artemis conversations as chapter bookends may work for this. But if so, I need to be very careful not to give away too much what's going on for new readers.
Oh! And I also wonder if anyone noticed what the Cupcake/Apple/Crossbow bolt all have in common - that's another egg and a callback to the Matrix. Spoiler : They're all Red
Then another, with Pinkie 'Knowing' - this I really like and do think it works well, and her rationale - that Gummy never grows bigger, and that Maud isn't Maud - keep with oddities from the show. The Gator is obvious, but with Maud I'm playing with the idea real-Maud is actually a very very bombastic individual; that she tried to rescue Pinkie, only to get caught; and that the reason she's so low-affect is that the 'Dream' is suppressing her more strongly than other ponies. When Pinkie says she's never seen Maud so happy in-show? It's true, because Pinkie can somehow see the 'real' Maud buried under the layers of Dream-conditioning.
And the last big thing I still want to work in if I can figure out a way : That the Changelings are using the Dream to test scenarios. Specifically, things like 'How do we beat Sombra?' 'How do we beat Tirek?' and so forth. And that when the Elements face them, its all bets off and a whole lot less palatable - only to have their memories written to show-versions after, because of course 'Tirek drains ponies and very soon after they die' doesn't gel with the happy go lucky world they face. If I make this more long-form I might incorporate that again, because it'd make it a double-crossover! But it's probably trying to put in too much; that'd be more for a prequel or something.
But overall, this suffered as many of my WO entries do due to work schedule. The new WO is nice in that it gives me a ton of time Sunday to work - and I did, as I stayed up all night and was still doing edits right up till the deadline - but there never was really time to do a solid first draft, then a full revision or two like I wanted.
...I am so tired of working weekends.
>>ZaidValRoa
See Trick Question's comment - the original story shows how Twilight gets out.
>>Everyday
So, can you elaborate on this now? Because that comment is still confusing the heck out of me.
>>Foehn
You were SO CLOSE to making the last leap, Foehn, as to why they are so similar. Alas :p
But thank you for the detailed feedback because I do agree with nearly all of it.
>>Trick_Question
Oh, I'm fine with stepping on your hooves! Buuut lack of time stopped me from adding more to the basic narrative. What I want it to be is a rebuttal to the idea that a Happy False Reality is better than an Unpalatable True One.
But yea as you can see there's a lot I had going on there I couldn't incorporate.
“Take the Blue pill, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe.” Remy stares at the other pony and grimaces. His eyes lock on the pill that almost seemed to glow within the surface of that black coat.
“Are you offering me drugs?” Regardless of Remedy’s question the black pony continues. Remaining emotionless behind the veil of his dark circular shades. Showcasing yet another glowing pill with his other hoof.
“Yeaahh…-You’re totally offering me drugs.”
“Take the red pill, and you remain in Wonderland. And I show you just how far the rabbit hole goes.”
“And sexual favors?!” The white colt shuddered in his seat at the creepy remark of strange drugs and strange acts. When Remedy made to move, his companion spoke out once more catching him off guard.
“Just remember! I’m only offering the truth.”
“Relax! I only want some water. Jeez!” The mare like stallion did just what he stated. Lifting the glass of water that was placed aside and bringing it to his lips. Unable to answer or think. “You know? Ponies usually ask for a date or a dinner before ‘this’.” Remy gave a nervous smile and stood up to make his leave.
“Where are you going?!” The special agent colt held out his hoof and motioned for him to stop.
“I’m leaving. This is too weird.” Remy remained uneffected by the simple request. Pushing his way through the same door he came in.
“But you’re the chosen one!”
“Talk to me when you’re not high!!!”
“But you’re suppose to save the WORLD!” The bald earth pony rushed out of his chair and stood in front of Remedy. Pushing his muzzle against his.
“Holy c%$&! How many of those have you had?!” And thus the two ponies that escorted Remedy to their secret hideout had to subdue the poor white stallion. Who in the end was overpowered by highly trained agents.
“Help me! I’m being violated! VIO-LATED! HELP ME! Oh! Not like this! Not like THIS!!!” Poor Remy screamed for his life as he was pulled back into the room.
-Remedy’s Introduction into the Matrix.
By Remedial Fortuitous Heart
NEGATIVES
-Scene Sequence
The content of the story is plentiful! I could see countless chapters being made to create and draw out this plot into a much bigger scale, than what we see here. Which gives room to a bunch of interactions and story twists that make this story much fun to go back to for countless reading sessions. By all means make it as colorful as you wish! The one thing that hit me was how much the story was lacking in explaining itself to its audience. The scene were well made and thought out but the overall effect was cut off short with how cut off everything felt. This was a big project story idea turned into a short story entry. I don’t blame you, but it could have been more. You’re not the one to blame though. I can see this piece doing big in fimfiction where there are no restrictions. For now take this as a reference that big ideas can fall short when limited to such a short amount of wording. This advice is more along the lines to help you get through to a finals round.
-Conflict
The conflict of this story seems to be everywhere. Where it doesn’t seem to lack on the excitement, what it does seem to lack is its own pacing. The constant mood of action and suspense can wear out and bring expectation to your readers. It would mean a much harder time trying to bring out the climax point of the story, which should have been the reveal. The ending scene was more along the lines as the only calming scene within the whole story and didn’t seem to have an edge compared to the other scenes that made up it’s build-up content. Another way you could have made things interesting is with Rainbow trying to escape or acting paranoid about the reality of things. Though your version you end up making Rainbow the main character for the ending and she just accepts it no hard feelings whatsoever. This seemed to break the tension you placed within your story and just left my interest with a constant flatline. It’s not bad where you’re going with the story it’s just that you gave out a spark and then a much smaller less effective one at the end. It was a good try but with a story like this lacking a high hitpoint for it’s climax I seem to just wanna stay back in the dream world chasing after Codex. Leave me something, or give us something, to remember the story by.
-Entertainment
Overall it was a fun read. Though it plays out the same song and dance the entire story. Stalk, kill, and chase. For three scenes and even then it feels like in the end we’re left with a cliffhanger of the same formula of stalk, kill, and chase. There has to be a calm before the storm. A moment of peace and tranquility to accent the good of what Twilight is trying to defend in the end. Even with Rainbow. Having it drawn out as just obvious would be just assuming we’re gonna take it by the author’s desired effect. You have to plant that seed and till it till it becomes a tree. Much like a reader’s interest. You have to watch it grow to have any attachment at all. Just giving me a plant makes me wanna shunt it somewhere out of the way or not care if it withers and dies. You need to be able to have that bond as reader and writer. “Hey! I’m here to entertain you! This is what I have to offer.” “Alright good sir! Please! Play with my emotions and imagination.” You can do a lot by just those means alone. I would love to see how you would play out a good murder scene and play with the characters here in a dark but classy setting. Without the twist of alternate realities.
POSITIVES
-Idea
The whole premise of turning the Matrix into a ponified version of itself was actually pretty interesting. I never thought the two would mix well until I read this. Though you tried hard to explain how it came to come to this point of events, we never actually understood it was all just a mind controlled dream world. I for one was hooked on the town trying to find this murderer of a pony and loved following how one by one the mane six fell. (Even if we only got to see three of them.) Point being, I think this story would have been much better if you kept the dream like world and left the ending with Rainbow waking up seeing her friends in an almost skeletal state. Giving it the impression that you originally attempted, while also not really hinting that it’s the Matrix afterall. We don’t often times get to read gruesome murder stories, let alone even think of them with how much “love” we seem to tolerate within this fandom. So it was a very refreshing change of pace. Giving it that “The world is not as you know it” ending seemed to draw the story back several yards from the endzone here. There was certain elements you could have played with to make it stand out, such as more struggling and expressions to deepened the emotional losses felt within each pony. I just couldn’t feel what Codex and Rainbow felt when they were chasing/running from one another. The guards felt like they were placed in there for decoration more than anything. The way a story should be read is like reading a pulse. There should be high times and low times. Which will create this mesmerizing flow of events that should be a lot smoother to read. When a story comes to life so will the reader’s imagination.
-Content
The content really would have been played with more here. It’s a twist we’ve seen several times over for anyone who has seen the Matrix, it’s memes, and it’s products placed about in society. Often times when people reader they expect to see a twist in their thoughts and a spike in interest. The main spike here in this story was the ever expanding killing spree of a mysterious pony named Codex. Who is taking out each one of the Elements of Harmony and must be bringing about certain doom. In the end we find basically a pony version of a storyline we’ve followed before with, not one chosen one, but six of them? While that was different, the story didn’t have much in terms of being unique to itself. The whole eating of the cupcake, apple, and whatever Codex fed Rainbow (If she did feed her.) Was smart and well played out. Even though the scenes could have been drawn out longer for more effect, is in the end looked like it was a copy of the “red pill, blue pill” scene from the movie which is probably said movie’s biggest meme. I’ll say this now that I hate anything considered to be created for the sake of trolling or promotion of insulting others just for a laugh. Each scene was admirable lengths and added to the story without overdosing me on making it something completely complex in nature. The pacing was nice and made way for an interesting story. Even with it being considerably confusing and somewhat a mere copy. The main difference this piece brought was the elements of the characters within the story. Aj’s drawle, Rainbow’s faithful emotions for her friends, Pinkie breaking the 4th wall. That made it ever more believable that these characters do exist in this story. Though Codex could have been played to be more of a side character rather than um...Twilight Sparkle who. I really think would have much more of a harder time even pretend killing her closest friends. Especially with her um...alicorn condition. So in the end with have two highly constructed universes coming together in a short story. (The Matrix and MLP).
This story was a great read. Not at all sleep inducing and it never held the reason for me to pick up a dictionary or stop my read at all. It remained dark, classy, and mysterious in its own way until the ending where Neo leads the ponies to freedom of the evil oppressive robots. I mean Twilight Sparkle and changelings! The writer here uses elements we normally see as very bloody and kinda traumatizing, IE “Thank you Pinkamena for the cupcakes!”. It remained pretty much realistic to both us and the mlp universe. (Except that crossbow...Though we did see spears at the end of season 5.) Alright enough with the fandom banter! This story reminds us of mortality without it being dressed in nothing but its own clever style. My advice is to make this your own story by making it more of Luna investigating these gruesome scenes within a pony’s dream and trying to track this aforementioned killer who thinks of nothing but killing. There’s a lot of ways you can spin this and my head is reeling about trying to figure out a way to not make this soo….”Matrix-y”. Either way in the end it is your work and it’s obvious there’s some pros and cons. You make it what it is. Not the movie that it’s based around. Shape and form it to share something beautiful.
“Are you offering me drugs?” Regardless of Remedy’s question the black pony continues. Remaining emotionless behind the veil of his dark circular shades. Showcasing yet another glowing pill with his other hoof.
“Yeaahh…-You’re totally offering me drugs.”
“Take the red pill, and you remain in Wonderland. And I show you just how far the rabbit hole goes.”
“And sexual favors?!” The white colt shuddered in his seat at the creepy remark of strange drugs and strange acts. When Remedy made to move, his companion spoke out once more catching him off guard.
“Just remember! I’m only offering the truth.”
“Relax! I only want some water. Jeez!” The mare like stallion did just what he stated. Lifting the glass of water that was placed aside and bringing it to his lips. Unable to answer or think. “You know? Ponies usually ask for a date or a dinner before ‘this’.” Remy gave a nervous smile and stood up to make his leave.
“Where are you going?!” The special agent colt held out his hoof and motioned for him to stop.
“I’m leaving. This is too weird.” Remy remained uneffected by the simple request. Pushing his way through the same door he came in.
“But you’re the chosen one!”
“Talk to me when you’re not high!!!”
“But you’re suppose to save the WORLD!” The bald earth pony rushed out of his chair and stood in front of Remedy. Pushing his muzzle against his.
“Holy c%$&! How many of those have you had?!” And thus the two ponies that escorted Remedy to their secret hideout had to subdue the poor white stallion. Who in the end was overpowered by highly trained agents.
“Help me! I’m being violated! VIO-LATED! HELP ME! Oh! Not like this! Not like THIS!!!” Poor Remy screamed for his life as he was pulled back into the room.
-Remedy’s Introduction into the Matrix.
By Remedial Fortuitous Heart
NEGATIVES
-Scene Sequence
The content of the story is plentiful! I could see countless chapters being made to create and draw out this plot into a much bigger scale, than what we see here. Which gives room to a bunch of interactions and story twists that make this story much fun to go back to for countless reading sessions. By all means make it as colorful as you wish! The one thing that hit me was how much the story was lacking in explaining itself to its audience. The scene were well made and thought out but the overall effect was cut off short with how cut off everything felt. This was a big project story idea turned into a short story entry. I don’t blame you, but it could have been more. You’re not the one to blame though. I can see this piece doing big in fimfiction where there are no restrictions. For now take this as a reference that big ideas can fall short when limited to such a short amount of wording. This advice is more along the lines to help you get through to a finals round.
-Conflict
The conflict of this story seems to be everywhere. Where it doesn’t seem to lack on the excitement, what it does seem to lack is its own pacing. The constant mood of action and suspense can wear out and bring expectation to your readers. It would mean a much harder time trying to bring out the climax point of the story, which should have been the reveal. The ending scene was more along the lines as the only calming scene within the whole story and didn’t seem to have an edge compared to the other scenes that made up it’s build-up content. Another way you could have made things interesting is with Rainbow trying to escape or acting paranoid about the reality of things. Though your version you end up making Rainbow the main character for the ending and she just accepts it no hard feelings whatsoever. This seemed to break the tension you placed within your story and just left my interest with a constant flatline. It’s not bad where you’re going with the story it’s just that you gave out a spark and then a much smaller less effective one at the end. It was a good try but with a story like this lacking a high hitpoint for it’s climax I seem to just wanna stay back in the dream world chasing after Codex. Leave me something, or give us something, to remember the story by.
-Entertainment
Overall it was a fun read. Though it plays out the same song and dance the entire story. Stalk, kill, and chase. For three scenes and even then it feels like in the end we’re left with a cliffhanger of the same formula of stalk, kill, and chase. There has to be a calm before the storm. A moment of peace and tranquility to accent the good of what Twilight is trying to defend in the end. Even with Rainbow. Having it drawn out as just obvious would be just assuming we’re gonna take it by the author’s desired effect. You have to plant that seed and till it till it becomes a tree. Much like a reader’s interest. You have to watch it grow to have any attachment at all. Just giving me a plant makes me wanna shunt it somewhere out of the way or not care if it withers and dies. You need to be able to have that bond as reader and writer. “Hey! I’m here to entertain you! This is what I have to offer.” “Alright good sir! Please! Play with my emotions and imagination.” You can do a lot by just those means alone. I would love to see how you would play out a good murder scene and play with the characters here in a dark but classy setting. Without the twist of alternate realities.
POSITIVES
-Idea
The whole premise of turning the Matrix into a ponified version of itself was actually pretty interesting. I never thought the two would mix well until I read this. Though you tried hard to explain how it came to come to this point of events, we never actually understood it was all just a mind controlled dream world. I for one was hooked on the town trying to find this murderer of a pony and loved following how one by one the mane six fell. (Even if we only got to see three of them.) Point being, I think this story would have been much better if you kept the dream like world and left the ending with Rainbow waking up seeing her friends in an almost skeletal state. Giving it the impression that you originally attempted, while also not really hinting that it’s the Matrix afterall. We don’t often times get to read gruesome murder stories, let alone even think of them with how much “love” we seem to tolerate within this fandom. So it was a very refreshing change of pace. Giving it that “The world is not as you know it” ending seemed to draw the story back several yards from the endzone here. There was certain elements you could have played with to make it stand out, such as more struggling and expressions to deepened the emotional losses felt within each pony. I just couldn’t feel what Codex and Rainbow felt when they were chasing/running from one another. The guards felt like they were placed in there for decoration more than anything. The way a story should be read is like reading a pulse. There should be high times and low times. Which will create this mesmerizing flow of events that should be a lot smoother to read. When a story comes to life so will the reader’s imagination.
-Content
The content really would have been played with more here. It’s a twist we’ve seen several times over for anyone who has seen the Matrix, it’s memes, and it’s products placed about in society. Often times when people reader they expect to see a twist in their thoughts and a spike in interest. The main spike here in this story was the ever expanding killing spree of a mysterious pony named Codex. Who is taking out each one of the Elements of Harmony and must be bringing about certain doom. In the end we find basically a pony version of a storyline we’ve followed before with, not one chosen one, but six of them? While that was different, the story didn’t have much in terms of being unique to itself. The whole eating of the cupcake, apple, and whatever Codex fed Rainbow (If she did feed her.) Was smart and well played out. Even though the scenes could have been drawn out longer for more effect, is in the end looked like it was a copy of the “red pill, blue pill” scene from the movie which is probably said movie’s biggest meme. I’ll say this now that I hate anything considered to be created for the sake of trolling or promotion of insulting others just for a laugh. Each scene was admirable lengths and added to the story without overdosing me on making it something completely complex in nature. The pacing was nice and made way for an interesting story. Even with it being considerably confusing and somewhat a mere copy. The main difference this piece brought was the elements of the characters within the story. Aj’s drawle, Rainbow’s faithful emotions for her friends, Pinkie breaking the 4th wall. That made it ever more believable that these characters do exist in this story. Though Codex could have been played to be more of a side character rather than um...Twilight Sparkle who. I really think would have much more of a harder time even pretend killing her closest friends. Especially with her um...alicorn condition. So in the end with have two highly constructed universes coming together in a short story. (The Matrix and MLP).
This story was a great read. Not at all sleep inducing and it never held the reason for me to pick up a dictionary or stop my read at all. It remained dark, classy, and mysterious in its own way until the ending where Neo leads the ponies to freedom of the evil oppressive robots. I mean Twilight Sparkle and changelings! The writer here uses elements we normally see as very bloody and kinda traumatizing, IE “Thank you Pinkamena for the cupcakes!”. It remained pretty much realistic to both us and the mlp universe. (Except that crossbow...Though we did see spears at the end of season 5.) Alright enough with the fandom banter! This story reminds us of mortality without it being dressed in nothing but its own clever style. My advice is to make this your own story by making it more of Luna investigating these gruesome scenes within a pony’s dream and trying to track this aforementioned killer who thinks of nothing but killing. There’s a lot of ways you can spin this and my head is reeling about trying to figure out a way to not make this soo….”Matrix-y”. Either way in the end it is your work and it’s obvious there’s some pros and cons. You make it what it is. Not the movie that it’s based around. Shape and form it to share something beautiful.