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I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Mare
“Hello, Sweetie Belle, I’m home! How was your sleepover?” called Rarity from the door of the Boutique.
“It went well.” squeaked Sweetie Belle as the other crusaders nodded in confirmation. “How was yours?”
“Well enough for being caught out like that, I suppose.” Rarity removed her boots and placed them by the door. “Applejack was kind enough to let me stay over. Rainbow Dash really needs to plan the weather better so we don’t need these big storms. This is the second time this season I’ve been caught out. Last time I had to stay in the library with Applejack and Twilight only had one spare bed, so at least Sweet Apple Acres is a step up in that respect.”
“So…” started Sweetie Belle, “you shared a bed with Applejack... twice? Already?”
Rarity paused midstep. “No, just one time. What are you implying?”
“Ah don’t think my sis would be into her that way, Sweetie,” added Apple Bloom.
Scootaloo chuckled, “Sure sounds like she was into her to me.”
“Enough! Where did you fillies get such ideas anyway?!” shouted Rarity.
“From the books under your bed,” answered Sweetie.
“You’re grounded. One week.” scolded Rarity. “And, I didn’t… erm… do anything, like in those books, with Applejack… or any pony, last night.”
Applebloom gasped. “Oh mah Celestia, that’s a lie. She’s lying! She and mah sis, they really… wow.”
Rarity rallied and quickly responded, “No, we didn't!”
Scootaloo jumped into the air, fluttering her wings. “Do you know what this means?”
“Absolutely nothing!” insisted Rarity.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS WEDDING PLANNERS!”
“WEDDING?!” screeched Rarity.
“Oooh, when’s the date?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“There is no date!” shouted Rarity.
“Well, have ya picked a season yet, or are you still undecided on that too?” inquired Apple Bloom.
“We’re not engaged!” Rarity, while still shouting, was clearly beginning to tire and lower in volume.
“Oh so you still need to propose to her? Have you gotten her a necklace yet?” queried Sweetie.
Rarity answered, her tone stern and a touch annoyed, but no longer shouting, “No, I did not get her a necklace yet because I am not going to propose to her.”
“Oh, so she’s going to propose to you then?” asked Scootaloo.
“No, we’re not dating, never had- never did any of the things in the books, and are not interested in each other in that way.” And with that, Rarity considered this conversation finally and definitely settled.
But then, the worst possible thing happened. A disaster than can only be known by one name. Scootaloo. “So then you were with Big Mac?”
“I… what?”
“You were lying before. You did the book things with somepony. So was it Big Mac?”
“Oh, Celestia,” Rarity moaned.
“You did the book things with Princess Celestia?!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle. She thought for a moment, then continued. “When you two get married, does that make me a princess too?”
“I was- that was just an expression!” asserted Rarity.
“Wait, that means-” Scootaloo began.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ROYAL WEDDING PLANNERS!”
“No, I didn’t do the book things with Princess Celestia!” Rarity was done. Anything to stop this madness. “Or rather, just Princess Celestia. I did them with her and Applejack! Yes, Applejack, the farm pony I could hardly stand a month ago! Oh, and let’s not mention, despite her absolute lack of anything but the most basic hygiene products, that my mane and tail are still perfectly styled, and my coat still shiny, despite the sweat and other unmentionable substances that would have resulted as a result of s- book things!”
“Ah knew it!” declared Apple Bloom.
“No you didn’t,” retorted Sweetie Belle. “You didn’t think that Applejack would like Rarity! I’m the one who called it!”
Scootaloo nodded. “Sweetie’s right, Bloom. She called it, not you.”
“Oh. Well, at least Ah get to be a princess too. Which means,” Apple Bloom started.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Princesses!” cried Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo pouted. “But I don’t get to be a princess!”
“Don’t worry Scootaloo, me and Sweetie’ll marry you, so you can be a princess too,” reassured Apple Bloom.
“And I guess do the book things too.” added Sweetie Belle.
“No!” hastily interjected Rarity. “No doing the book things until after you’re married. Now come on, I think it’s time you fillies start heading home.” Rarity then pushed Apple Bloom and Scootaloo out the door and let loose a sigh of relief. It was finally over. Finally, blessedly-
“So, when is the wedding?” questioned Sweetie Belle.
“It went well.” squeaked Sweetie Belle as the other crusaders nodded in confirmation. “How was yours?”
“Well enough for being caught out like that, I suppose.” Rarity removed her boots and placed them by the door. “Applejack was kind enough to let me stay over. Rainbow Dash really needs to plan the weather better so we don’t need these big storms. This is the second time this season I’ve been caught out. Last time I had to stay in the library with Applejack and Twilight only had one spare bed, so at least Sweet Apple Acres is a step up in that respect.”
“So…” started Sweetie Belle, “you shared a bed with Applejack... twice? Already?”
Rarity paused midstep. “No, just one time. What are you implying?”
“Ah don’t think my sis would be into her that way, Sweetie,” added Apple Bloom.
Scootaloo chuckled, “Sure sounds like she was into her to me.”
“Enough! Where did you fillies get such ideas anyway?!” shouted Rarity.
“From the books under your bed,” answered Sweetie.
“You’re grounded. One week.” scolded Rarity. “And, I didn’t… erm… do anything, like in those books, with Applejack… or any pony, last night.”
Applebloom gasped. “Oh mah Celestia, that’s a lie. She’s lying! She and mah sis, they really… wow.”
Rarity rallied and quickly responded, “No, we didn't!”
Scootaloo jumped into the air, fluttering her wings. “Do you know what this means?”
“Absolutely nothing!” insisted Rarity.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS WEDDING PLANNERS!”
“WEDDING?!” screeched Rarity.
“Oooh, when’s the date?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“There is no date!” shouted Rarity.
“Well, have ya picked a season yet, or are you still undecided on that too?” inquired Apple Bloom.
“We’re not engaged!” Rarity, while still shouting, was clearly beginning to tire and lower in volume.
“Oh so you still need to propose to her? Have you gotten her a necklace yet?” queried Sweetie.
Rarity answered, her tone stern and a touch annoyed, but no longer shouting, “No, I did not get her a necklace yet because I am not going to propose to her.”
“Oh, so she’s going to propose to you then?” asked Scootaloo.
“No, we’re not dating, never had- never did any of the things in the books, and are not interested in each other in that way.” And with that, Rarity considered this conversation finally and definitely settled.
But then, the worst possible thing happened. A disaster than can only be known by one name. Scootaloo. “So then you were with Big Mac?”
“I… what?”
“You were lying before. You did the book things with somepony. So was it Big Mac?”
“Oh, Celestia,” Rarity moaned.
“You did the book things with Princess Celestia?!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle. She thought for a moment, then continued. “When you two get married, does that make me a princess too?”
“I was- that was just an expression!” asserted Rarity.
“Wait, that means-” Scootaloo began.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS ROYAL WEDDING PLANNERS!”
“No, I didn’t do the book things with Princess Celestia!” Rarity was done. Anything to stop this madness. “Or rather, just Princess Celestia. I did them with her and Applejack! Yes, Applejack, the farm pony I could hardly stand a month ago! Oh, and let’s not mention, despite her absolute lack of anything but the most basic hygiene products, that my mane and tail are still perfectly styled, and my coat still shiny, despite the sweat and other unmentionable substances that would have resulted as a result of s- book things!”
“Ah knew it!” declared Apple Bloom.
“No you didn’t,” retorted Sweetie Belle. “You didn’t think that Applejack would like Rarity! I’m the one who called it!”
Scootaloo nodded. “Sweetie’s right, Bloom. She called it, not you.”
“Oh. Well, at least Ah get to be a princess too. Which means,” Apple Bloom started.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Princesses!” cried Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.
Scootaloo pouted. “But I don’t get to be a princess!”
“Don’t worry Scootaloo, me and Sweetie’ll marry you, so you can be a princess too,” reassured Apple Bloom.
“And I guess do the book things too.” added Sweetie Belle.
“No!” hastily interjected Rarity. “No doing the book things until after you’re married. Now come on, I think it’s time you fillies start heading home.” Rarity then pushed Apple Bloom and Scootaloo out the door and let loose a sigh of relief. It was finally over. Finally, blessedly-
“So, when is the wedding?” questioned Sweetie Belle.
Genre: Xanatos Speed Dating (which, BTW, was the title of my partially-written story for this Writeoff that ran out of gas after the opening scene.)
Thoughts: This is a lot of shenanigans crammed into a small space! I like how the possibility of one rendezvous or another keeps shifting around, and how the CMCs' collective voice helps keep Rarity's tension ratcheting higher. I'm leery of top-slating my first story out of the gate, but this has a lot going for it.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: This is a lot of shenanigans crammed into a small space! I like how the possibility of one rendezvous or another keeps shifting around, and how the CMCs' collective voice helps keep Rarity's tension ratcheting higher. I'm leery of top-slating my first story out of the gate, but this has a lot going for it.
Tier: Strong
Hmm. I dunno about this one. I appreciate the comedy, but the kids are at a young enough age that I don't think "hot and heavy pony sex" would be the first place their minds'd go when they heard about Applejack and Rarity sharing a bed (even if they've gotten into Rarity's clopfic stash).
Especially since we've seen all three CMCs share a bed before.
Like, maybe the idea here is that reading Rarity's clopfic stash changed their perspective on the concept of two people (or more) sharing a bed, but if so, then I don't think that's effectively communicated. I guess maybe time/space constraints are to blame for that?
Could use some work.
Especially since we've seen all three CMCs share a bed before.
Like, maybe the idea here is that reading Rarity's clopfic stash changed their perspective on the concept of two people (or more) sharing a bed, but if so, then I don't think that's effectively communicated. I guess maybe time/space constraints are to blame for that?
Could use some work.
This reads like a crackfic. It's ridiculous, it's over-the-top, and it's trying to be funny, I think?
Not much of the humor landed for me. Sorry. A lot of it felt like it just developed too fast, for no real reason. Sure, it was lolrandom, but I think you need more than just chaos to land a good joke. Or maybe it's just me; I have a strange sense of humor. /shrug.
I do appreciate that you went all-in on the humor though. If you're writing comedy commit hard.
Not much of the humor landed for me. Sorry. A lot of it felt like it just developed too fast, for no real reason. Sure, it was lolrandom, but I think you need more than just chaos to land a good joke. Or maybe it's just me; I have a strange sense of humor. /shrug.
I do appreciate that you went all-in on the humor though. If you're writing comedy commit hard.
I’m one of those for whom the humor missed the mark. This is standard RariJack denial, mixed with CMC escalation cringe humor. The author used skill to assemble it, but in the end there’s nothing here that’s surprising or shocking. I’m just a jaded old grump, I suppose,
I got a giggle out of this. Kids being kids, trying to jump to conclusions based on things they really don't understand yet, is almost always comedy gold, in my opinion. Scootaloo feeling left out of being a wed-in princess was a nice little emotional moment.
Could probably use a little more polish on the timing, but I can't point out exactly where I feel a mis-beat, so grains of salt and all that.
Could probably use a little more polish on the timing, but I can't point out exactly where I feel a mis-beat, so grains of salt and all that.
This story accelerates into "We didn't do the book things!" and lots of screeching very quickly rather than escalating, but I can't say that bothered me.
A note: the dialogue tags are overwritten for the majority of the fic, but... but, but, but. In this exchange:
They really work for me here (comedy rule of three, maybe), although shouted should come before screeched for full escalation: insisted -> shouted -> screeched. They put a good, fun image of Rarity's despair into my head.
A note: the dialogue tags are overwritten for the majority of the fic, but... but, but, but. In this exchange:
“Do you know what this means?”
“Absolutely nothing!” insisted Rarity.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS WEDDING PLANNERS!”
“WEDDING?!” screeched Rarity.
“Oooh, when’s the date?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“There is no date!” shouted Rarity.
They really work for me here (comedy rule of three, maybe), although shouted should come before screeched for full escalation: insisted -> shouted -> screeched. They put a good, fun image of Rarity's despair into my head.