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Here at the End of all Things. · FiM Short Story ·
Shoot for the Stars
Ten billion points of light stared down at Luna, each one no bigger than a pinprick. She tried to stay stoic, but the sheer cold of space leaked into her bones and forced a shiver.

“Stars!” Luna called, wings stretched high. “O, you witnesses to the universe, you governors of light! Heed Our call and return to Us, so that We may mold the night sky as We see fit!”

Whole universes died away before the stars responded. With widened eyes, Luna watched the lights that surrounded her die away, fading into the dark matter, until only one remained. Luna sprinted forward, trying to catch it, but the star never grew any closer. In time, it blinked out too, leaving Luna to rot in the dark.

Frost wrapped around her limbs and held her stiff. She fell and gasped for air, but just found the same dust she had choked on for a thousand years.

When she woke up, back in her bed, back in Canterlot, back in Equestria where she belonged, she shrieked and fell to the floor. Head pounding, she flew out to the balcony and thrust her horn towards the night sky, towards her constellations—the ones she had spent endless nights crafting, millennia after millennia. The ones she owned.

The stars stayed still.

Luna’s knees buckled. She lay on the cold marble, sobbing, until Celestia arrived and led her back inside.






If anypony knew how to suffer through a panic attack gracefully, it was Rarity. So although her chest heaved, and her clenched jaw ached, and visions of being led to the gallows played in her mind, she kept smiling. No need to faint and mussy up her mane.

Fiddling with a loose seam on the unfinished dress before her, Rarity tried to ignore the fifteen golden guardponies lining the walls. Not only was this her first time visiting Canterlot Castle, but this was her most important commission yet by a mile. Designing and sewing up a custom dress for Princess Luna to wear at the Winter Moon Festival? Luna’s first public event since her return to Equestria? A step above cuteceañera dresses and country wedding gowns, to be sure.

She’d been working on Luna’s outfit at home for weeks now, but Rarity knew from the start that no proper dress could be completed without a fitting. So now she waited, preparing for the full weight of Luna’s judgment to crush her.

She took a deep breath and stood up straight. Of all the things in the world worth worrying about, this was not one of them. This was just Princess Luna, the former Nightmare Moon, and second most powerful pony in existence.

Another deep breath.

With a creak of the door, another guard entered the circular chamber and held his head high. “Her Majesty, Princess Luna.”

Rarity turned to face the door and put on her widest smile, ready to face the regal, imposing, all-powerful Princess Luna—

The mare who entered the room looked like a foal woken up too soon from naptime. Under Luna’s eyes hung bags deeper than chasms, and her scowl looked like it had been stolen right off the face of Opal after a sponge bath. And her size—in the months since the Summer Sun Festival, Rarity had forgotten just how shrunken Luna was compared to her sister. Were it not for the wings, she could have passed as a teenager going through their goth phase.

Nevertheless, Rarity bowed. Her years spent taking classes at Salad Fork’s Etiquette School for Fillies had prepared her for this day.

A set of silver horseshoes stopped only inches away. “Guards,” said Luna, “please leave.”

A pause, then, “But, Ma’am, we must stay to—”

“Watch Us don Our formal wear? Of course not. Avert thine eyes and leave us be.”

The shuffling of hooves and the slam of the door signaled the guards’ retreat. Rarity stayed prone, until Luna stomped a hoof—the bang gave Rarity a heart murmur—and said, “You may rise.”

Rarity snapped up. “Oh, Your Highness, it’s an honor to meet you again like this. My name is—”

“Generosity,” Luna finished, scanning Rarity with sharpened eyes. “One of the Mages of Harmony, who slaughtered the Nightmare and saved Us from its wretched curse! We know you and your companions well.” Her scowl morphed to a smile for less than a second. “It is good to see you again. Art thou well?”

Rarity held her tongue, debating whether to correct Luna’s take on her name. “I’m doing quite well,” she said, finally, nodding. “To be chosen to work on your dress is an honor above all others.”

“Our Sister shows a great amount of care for Twilight Sparkle and her friends.” Luna turned that sharp gaze back to Rarity’s half-finished dress. Her expression didn’t brighten. She pulled out the same loose thread Rarity had been playing with and said, “Is this it?”

A baseball bat cracked against Rarity’s ribcage. “No, no, of course not,” she said, stepping between Luna and the awful half-dress. “This is just the first draft, if you will. The finished product will be a masterwork like you’ve never seen before!”

“Hmph.” Luna nodded. “If thou sayest so.”

And so the fitting began, with Luna propped up on a pedestal, and Rarity fussing over her from all angles. The dress fit almost perfectly, but for the shoulders being too baggy. Using her magic, Rarity changed the dress’ colors from silver-black to blue-purple to white-gold, trying to find Luna’s most flattering shades.

Things would have gone by in a flash, were it not for Rarity’s debilitating fear of awkward silences. “So, Your Highness,” she said, adjusting the hemline, “thank you again for allowing me to work on your dress. It truly is an honor. Truly.”

Luna stared out into space. “Mhm.”

You brown-noser. You sound like a beggar! “I’m ever so looking forward to the Winter Solstice,” said Rarity. “Twilight has been reading up on the Winter Moon Festivals of old, and she’s told me so many amazing stories. Is it true that Ice Giants used to attend, bearing gifts of enchanted ice sculptures?”

“Yes.”

When a few seconds passed and nothing more came, Rarity blinked. “Right. Well, it sounds lovely.” She pressed down on Luna’s shoulder, bringing out a needle to tighten some threads. “And what of the grand finale, the Star Carnival? Every star in the night sky shining as bright as the sun, illuminating the whole world—magnificence incarnate!”

Luna’s whole body tensed. It was enough to bring Rarity pause. “Your Highness?” she asked, stepping away. “Is something the matter?”

Luna looked away. “It is nothing, Generosity. Continue working.”

Rarity’s sanity told her to keep working, but her conscience rooted her. “You know,” she said, lowering her voice, “if you have something on your mind, feel free to get it off your chest. I have been complimented on my listening skills in the past.”

Ears going flat, Luna darted a glance toward Rarity. “And why should We confide Our thoughts in you?

Rarity recoiled. “My apologies, Your Highness. I didn’t mean to impose, I just felt—I’m sorry.”

Luna held her glare for a moment more before facing forwards once again. In a soft voice, she said, “Do not trouble thyself with Our issues. We need not bore you. Such trivial matters would be a waste of your time.”

“I have all the time in the world,” said Rarity. You are paying me by the hour.

Pursed lips. Then, “We are cancelling the Star Carnival.”

“What?” Rarity threw a hoof to her heart. “Why would you cancel such a wondrous celebration?”

“Because We have lost control of the Stars.”

A chill trickled through Rarity, despite the magically warmed walls. “How do you mean?”

Luna snorted and lit her horn. With a flash, she teleported to the window, leaving her now-empty dress to flutter to the floor. Rarity gasped and caught it before it made contact.

“In ages past, before We fell victim to the Nightmare,” Luna said, staring out into the dusk, “We held control over all the heavenly bodies, including the Stars. Their spirits, scattered throughout the universe, obeyed Our every word. We built clusters, forged constellations with just a thought! We spent every night painting the sky, displaying Our power and majesty for all the world to see! But now...” She sighed. “Now, We cannot even touch them. Their spirits have rejected me.”

Rarity frowned. “Do you have any idea what’s caused the Stars to act out like this?”

“They are upset. Nightmare Moon abused their powers to augment her magic, and lost their trust.” Luna growled and spun around. “But We have redeemed Ourselves! The Moon has forgiven Us, ceded to Our control once again. The Moon pays Us the respect we deserve, and yet the Stars refuse! They aided in my return to Equestria, but now they won’t even speak to me.”

The two mares locked eyes. Muzzle pinkening, Luna turned back to the window.

Pushing herself forward, Rarity approached the window and said, “I’m sorry to hear that, Your Highness.”

Luna clicked her tongue. “Listen to Us, whining like a one-legged foal. No wonder the Stars have abandoned Us—We are pathetic.” Just as Rarity reached her side, she turned and walked away. “How can We call Ourselves the Princess of the Night without the stars? Without the power to sculpt the heavens, to call down a shooting star bright enough that the entire world might wish upon it?”

“A shooting star?” Rarity asked, smiling. “That sounds quite intense.”

Luna affixed Rarity with a freezing stare. “Dost thou not know what a shooting star is?”

Suddenly, Rarity felt like she’d worn a yellow romper to a funeral. She bit her lip. “I... no, I haven’t. But I’ve never had the greatest memory—I’m sure I’ve read about them somewhere and merely let it slip my mind!”

“Has it really been a thousand years since anypony has wished upon a shooting star?” Luna muttered, her voice barely a whisper.

The air in the room had thickened. Rarity’s eyes flitted between the floor and the dress, draped like a corpse over a table. “Well, Your Highness,” she tried, forcing her voice to be still, “would you like to resume your fitting? I’d almost finished hemming up the shoulders.”

Luna took a short breath. “No. We believe We have been fitted enough for one day.” Head down, she trotted to the door.

Rarity wilted. Good work, Rarity. This is what your nosiness earns you: a trip back to the cuteceañera dress factory. She lit her horn and snatched her failure of a dress from the corner to stuff it back into its plastic cover.

“Thank you, Generosity.”

Rarity’s ears pricked up. She turned to find Luna, one hoof out the door, looking back at her with a smile smaller than the head of a needle.

“For listening,” said Luna. “Silence shows the soul no comfort. We look forward to seeing thou—and Our dress—again.” She left, letting the door slam shut.

With that, Rarity stood stock still, lips parted. Then, she smiled.






Even in a tiny village like Ponyville, quiet was often hard to come by—especially with a little sister inviting her new friends over for a slumber party every other day. This was one of many reasons Rarity took Twilight Sparkle’s move to Ponyville as an act of divine charity. Having Twilight as a neighbor meant not only a new friend and confidante, but access to the silence of Golden Oaks Library, which stayed open nearly all hours of the day.

And she needed that silence. She’d spent the last two weeks among the ticker-tack of sewing machines, completing Luna’s dress. She’d managed to finish it—it came out transcendent, naturally—and she had already booked a train ticket back to Canterlot to deliver it. But as the day approached, she felt her hooves growing colder and colder, and not because of the chilly fall weather. She wore faux-fur boots for that.

Luna’s face when she spoke about the shooting stars—jaw hanging, brows furrowed, eyes blank like a shell-shocked soldier. Rarity couldn’t get it out of her mind, nor could she forget what Luna had said about the Stars abandoning her.

So now, on what would normally be her day out to the spa, Rarity sat in a quiet corner of Golden Oaks, surrounded by aging astronomy books. The one she held in her magical grasp had to have been at least two centuries old, bound in crumbling paper and written in messy cursive. Were it not for her training at Salad Fork’s Calligraphy School for Fillies, it would have been illegible.

She skimmed through the book, scanning the pages for anything mentioning stars or spirits. When she found nothing, she set the book aside and moved onto the next. It might not have been her place to meddle in Luna’s affairs, but if having a baby sister had taught her anything, it was that sometimes meddling was a necessary evil.

Just as she was starting her fourth tome, Twilight entered the room. She shivered and unwrapped her scarf. “Are Ponyville winters always this cold?” she asked, trotting over. “I swear, I should really conduct an investigation someday. There is no reason a valley town should be colder than a city on a mountain.”

Rarity giggled and flipped a page. “Perhaps a Windigo has moved into town.”

“Hey, your arguments with Applejack can get pretty snippy, but I don’t think they’re that bad.” Twilight snuggled up next to Rarity to share their warmth. She glanced at Rarity’s selection and frowned. “Redshift’s Theories on the Divinity of Retrograde? Since when are you into astronomy, Rarity?”

The temptation to reveal Luna’s dilemma ran through Rarity’s head. But she squashed it and said, “Merely doing my research. After all, one does not wait upon the Princess of the Night without knowing something about her domain, yes?”

“Good point.” Twilight grinned. “I’m so jealous. I’ve been wanting to meet with Luna ever since she returned to Equestria, but between adjusting to Ponyville, keeping up with my friendship lessons, and running the library, I just haven’t had time.” She leaned harder into Rarity. “What is she like? Noble? Wise?”

Rarity stayed silent for a moment, then said, “Princess Luna is unique. She is direct, forceful, and a bit stubborn. And she doesn’t often let it show, but she has a vulnerable side. A caring side, even.”

“A bit like you, then,” said Twilight, winking.

While Twilight chuckled, Rarity just turned another page. “Twilight, darling,” she said. “Do you happen to know anything about the spirits that live in the stars?”

Twilight stopped laughing. “The... spirits?” she repeated, raising a brow. She scratched her chin. “Not really. I mean, other than the fact that they don’t exist.”

“What?” Rarity said, louder than she’d meant. She cleared her throat. “What do you mean?”

“They don’t exist. The Star Spirits, Moon Spirits, they’re all myths. Ponies used to believe in them, about a millennia or so ago, but with the advent of more powerful telescopes, we now know that ‘spirits’ were just an archaic way of explaining the natural laws of the universe.” She pointed to Rarity’s book. “Even most of Redshift’s theories, as exciting as they may be, were abandoned decades ago. He spends whole chapters talking about stars that ‘fly across the sky,’ or even explode, neither of which are phenomena that have ever been observed through legitimate means.”

Rarity stared, but soon enough put the book down. “I see.”

“I didn’t mean to drag you down,” said Twilight. “Redshift’s writing is still good fun. You have a library card, right? Feel free to check it out and take it home! I’m sure Sweetie Belle would—”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but could I ask another question?” Rarity said.

Twilight blinked. “Sure?”

“How did Celestia and Luna receive their powers?”

“I don’t think anypony knows the answer to that one. Not even me.” Twilight shrugged. “Celestia has never released any sort of biography or memoir. As far as the history books go, everything I’ve read suggests that they’ve been around forever.”

“That can’t be true,” said Rarity, shaking her head. “I may not have liked science in school—no offense—but even I know that everything must come from somewhere. There must be a source.”

“Maybe,” Twilight said. “Why?”

Rarity gaped—then shoved her boiling face back into book. “Just thinking out loud.”






When Rarity next met Princess Luna, she found the alicorn sitting out in the gardens at sunset, scolding a servant.

“You are not military,” Luna said, staring down the mare in front of her with knife-edged eyes. “You are a maid. When you greet Us, you do not salute. You bow.

The maid took a trembling step back. She had an empty scotch glass balanced on her back. “I’m sorry,” she squeaked. “I just got confused. I didn’t mean anything by it!”

"And that is exactly the problem," Luna said. “Show Us the respect we deserve.”

The maid hit the ground with a smack, outstretched forelegs brushing Luna's horseshoes. From the edge of the clearing, Rarity could only watch as this filly-sized alicorn demeaned her servant, like a daughter sending her mother to bed without supper.

Luna watched her shudder for what seemed like ages before saying, “You may rise. Thank you.”

Quick as a hare, the maid snapped up and scurried out of the clearing, right past Rarity.

Luna nodded to her. “Good evening, Generosity. An unseasonably humid night, no?”

“I—yes. Yes, I suppose so,” said Rarity, resisting the urge to ask about what she’d just seen. She gave a quick bow of her own as she approached, which seemed to satisfy the Princess. “Thank you for having me again. I’ve had the finished dress delivered to your room; trust me when I say that a mere minute spent wearing it will be enough to make you the talk of the fashion world!”

“We can only hope thou art correct,” said Luna. She sighed. “Also: We wish to apologize for Our actions when we last met. We did not mean to burden thou with our worries. Such matters are not thine concern.”

“It is more than alright, Your Highness.” Rarity smiled. “In fact, I’ve come to you tonight not only to deliver your dress, but also because I wish to offer you a piece of advice.”

Luna didn’t react. “Advice?”

“I had been thinking about your... issue with the Stars, and how you might solve it, when an idea hit me,” Rarity said. “You’ve said that your power over them is gone. So, why don’t you return to the place you first received those powers? Think of it as retracing your steps; to rediscover your power, go back to the start of it all!” Her smile melted a bit. “Assuming that you had a start. I take it that historians tend to squabble on that detail.”

“The start...?” Luna stared off into space. Then her entire face seized up with realization. “Of course! How did We not think of such of thing? Generosity, thou art a genius of the highest order!”

Rarity flipped her hair. “Well, I don’t know about that, but if you insist—”

Luna grabbed Rarity’s hoof and shook with the might of ten yaks. “Thank you for thinking of Us. Thou dids’t not need to do that.”

When she regained feeling in her foreleg, Rarity beamed. “It was no issue at all, Your Highness. You may be a client, but you’re also a friend.”

Luna stared. After a moment, she blinked a few times and said, “Right. If We are to restore our powers, We must come into contact with the Goddess of Stars. Which means that We will need to sacrifice at least three uncut diamonds.” She cursed. “Taking them from the Royal Vaults will almost certainly mean alerting Celestia, and she does not need this sort of stress. We’ll need to find a jeweler.”

“Or, we can take them from my collection of gems,” said Rarity. “I don’t own many diamonds, but I would be more than willing to give them the ones I have if it means achieving our goal.”

“It makes no sense for thou to give those up for me,” said Luna. “Thou cans’t turn them to profit, no?”

“Of course. But helping everypony see the stars more than makes up for what I’ll lose.”

Luna smiled wide. “Alright. In one week’s time, as midnight approaches, wait on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. I shall join you there.” She winked. “And bring a coat.”






Rarity swore and grumbled into her two scarves. Midnight on a Friday in the middle of December, and where was she? Not at home snuggling up with a good romance novel and a cup of hot cocoa, that’s for sure. She felt like the Little Matchfilly, stuck out on the road near Fluttershy’s cottage, waiting for the cold to take her—

“Greetings.”

A jump and a shriek later, Rarity lay sprawled out in the dirt, staring at the naked Princess Luna. “Your Highness,” she said, rising to her hooves. “Where is your coat? It’s freezing out!”

“It is colder on the moon,” Luna deadpanned.

Rarity bit her tongue.

“Come.” Luna led Rarity to the very edge of the Everfree. Already, Rarity could see strange flowers, purple and green and orange, which bizarre creatures crittering between the roots.

“Where are we headed?” Rarity asked, squinting to see in the dark. “Not that I don’t trust you, Princess, but I’m not the biggest fan of the Everfree Forest at the best of times, and I happen to be wearing my nicer pair of horseshoes, so if we could just—”

Luna lit her horn and raised her head high. The world twisted around them.

Rarity gripped the dirt, but found herself ripped away, shoved through a swirling miasma of magic, and thrown stomach-first onto a cold stone floor.

A rush of nausea tore through her guts. She spent a moment curled into the fetal position, a hoof pressed to her bulging lips—but soon swallowed her sickness and rose up on shaking legs. Her lessons at Salad Fork’s Gastroenterology School for Fillies had paid off.

She looked around. They were in the ruined castle at the heart of the Everfree—the same castle they had destroyed Nightmare Moon in. Crumbling walls and thick vines surrounded them.

“When Canterlot was merely a small mining town,” said Luna, walking past Rarity and towards the center of the room, “this is where Us and Our sister lived and ruled over Equestria—as well as where we both communed with the spirits of the universe. Follow me.”

Rarity followed Luna to the center of the room, and watched as Luna cast a spell to reveal a long, winding staircase that led down, down, down back the foundations and into the roots of the Everfree Forest. Casting illumination spells, they both headed down. It took a few minutes, but soon they entered a wide chamber, empty but for dust and a stone altar on the far side. They approached with caution.

“Did thou bring the gems We seek?” Luna asked.

Rarity nodded and opened her saddlebags, revealing three massive diamonds, each one as big as a pony’s hoof.

Luna grabbed them out of Rarity’s magic and rested them on the altar. Then, with a murmured prayer, she shot a beam of silver light from her horn and into the gems, casting them in a burning glow. Rarity gaped as the diamonds melted away into vapor—vapor which soon thickened into an unpierceable fog.

The temperature in the room, already cold, dropped at least forty degrees. Rarity, teeth clacking, pulled her coat tighter around her. “Princess Luna...?”

“Do not be alarmed,” Luna said as the wind picked up. “This is merely an illusion. Any moment now, we should be greeted by—”

A bray louder than the roar of a manticore chorus ripped through the room, and a pony—translucent, filled with stars, and standing about three stories tall—erupted from the fog, rearing back on its hind hooves and flailing madly.

Rarity collapsed, hooves over her head. Luna stayed solid.

Who dares call up Asteria, Goddess of the Stars?” the spirit cried, baring her fangs. When her eyes landed on Luna, she scowled. “Oh, look! The prodigal daughter has returned.”

Luna took a deep breath, then spread her wings and stepped forward. “O Asteria, you witness to the universe, you governor of light! For too long We have lived without you, a false princess! While under the Nightmare’s curse, We abused the Stars, and used your power to abuse those we were meant to rule over. But now, heed Our call and return to Us, so that We may mold the night sky as We see fit!”

Silence as Luna and Asteria glared at one another. Then, Asteria laughed. It boomed loud enough to shake the walls and crack the old brick.

“Oh, you imbecile,” said Asteria, snarling. “No.”

Luna took a step back, but then two forward. “We are the Princess of the Night. It is Our right to hold power over you!”

“Your ‘right’ is worthless.” Asteria chuckled. “Has your time in exile truly taught you nothing, child?”

Rarity saw Luna’s face twist up with rage at that. “My exile is over,” she said in measured tones. “I—We have paid for Our crimes, and deserve to have Our full power returned to us. We must show these mortal ponies that their princess is more than Her foalish form—that We deserve respect!”

“If your only use for my power is to force ponies to respect you, then you are truly as foalish as you look,” said Asteria, scowl returning. “We freed you from the moon so that you might redeem yourself and learn true humility, not regain the throne and refuse to change! The Nightmare may have left you, but the arrogance remains.”

The ground under Luna’s hooves cracked. “How dare you!”

“The Power of the Stars is above you, child.” The fog began to fade, and Asteria with it. “Only when you come to learn your true role in this world will it be returned to you.”

“You are wrong!” Luna screamed as the spirit dissipated. “I will take back the Stars, whether you deem me worthy or not!”

But just as quickly as she had appeared, Asteria was gone. And with that, Luna crumpled.

Rarity sprinted to her side. “Luna, are you alright?”

“That bastard,” Luna said, beating the ground. She shook her head and looked up at Rarity, tears welling. “I can’t take my power back without Asteria’s blessing—what am I meant to do now?”

As Luna wept, Rarity kept silent, thinking over Asteria’s words, her insults. And one word kept ringing in her head: respect.

“Princess,” said Rarity, offering Luna a tissue from her saddlebag. “Tell me: why exactly do you want your powers back?”

“You heard me,” Luna said with a sniffle. “So that I might prove to the world that I must be respected.”

Rarity nodded. “With all due respect, Your Highness—perhaps that’s the problem. If your powers return, the only one who benefits is you. What if you could instead find a way to use your powers to help others?” Rarity asked. She smiled. “What if you could bring joy to Equestria, rather than simply respect?”

Luna glowered. “Art thou calling Us selfish?”

“What?” Rarity’s smile died. “No, no, of course not!”

Luna lit her horn with all the brightness of an enraged unicorn. A second later, the two were back outside the Everfree Forest, with Rarity’s stomach doing flips.

“We should have expected this,” said Luna, stomping a hoof. “Nopony respects Us. Nopony ever has! You think that just because you’ve helped Us that you can say such awful things, Generosity? Pah! Foolish!” She jabbed a hoof in the direction of Ponyville. “We do not need your help if this is all you can offer Us.”

Rarity gaped, feeling like she’d just been pushed into a chasm. But soon enough a familiar fire sparked in her chest and she jumped to her hooves. So many insults, curses jumped up her throat, but she swallowed them all down. Instead, all she said was this: “Just because you have power, does not mean you are worthy of respect.”

Luna stared. Then, face twisting into a horrendous glare, she leapt into the air and flew away.

Rarity watched her go, and just before she disappeared into the clouds, screamed, “And my name is Rarity!

She trudged back home, nausea bubbling in her stomach.
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#1 · 3
· · >>Posh >>TheRiverSings >>moonwhisper >>Dubs_Rewatcher
This is a great story, one deserving of a more robust conclusion. I suspect when you finish this you will be extending it into a full resolution. As it is, the story has a strong arc but stops right before resolving the major tension. That's the only major flaw, but it's significant.

As for minor flaws, the introduction felt overly poetic, which was confusing for me. Entire universes faded away before the stars responded? No they didn't. You can't just evoke Luna literally waiting trillions of years of time in a single sentence—describe what Luna sees to evoke feelings in the reader; don't describe what you want the reader to feel. Stars don't become dark matter when they wink out; that isn't what dark matter is.

Twilight snuggling Rarity came totally out of left field and it never developed further. That isn't normal behavior for women, and it seems clear you weren't trying to ship them.

There are some minor issues I had with Luna's voice, mostly consistency. For example, there's an Us that should be We, an our that should be Our, 'bastard' felt like an un-Luna insult (maybe that's just me). Some of this is just typo errors but Luna is hard (and fun) to write so I'd suggest poring over what she says carefully.

Minor typo: Rarity says 'haven't' when she means 'don't' or 'do not'.

Also: your Salad Fork callback made me laugh twice. Uproariously, the third time. Excellent. (Even though I cannot imagine Rarity ever attending finishing schools. She's completely unlike her upbringing, which is a major part of her character.)
#2 · 3
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Gotta say, after the second Salad Fork bit, I was expecting there to be a third. I didn't see that particular form coming, though, and it made me snortchuckle anyway.

So, I like this a lot. Rarity is captured wonderfully in your prose, and you set up the events of Nightmare Night (or whatever that episode was called I honestly don't remember) very well. It's a direct prequel to that episode, and it works in that regard.

Where it falters is with its pacing, and with Luna's character. Rarity leaps to precisely the correct conclusion at precisely the right time, and the story wraps up from there in a pretty short space. It feels like the plan to restore Luna to full power should have come from Luna, herself, perhaps triggered by her conversations with Rarity, rather than something that Rarity figures out on her own (largely without preamble).

And Luna, despite being thoroughly unlikable on a personal level (being a thousand years behind the times will do that to you), treats Rarity with remarkable courtesy as the story winds down, which makes her sudden change in demeanor at the end of the story feel unearned.

I can see Luna treating Rarity well, because Luna sees everypony who isn't herself and Celestia as a servant, and Rarity shows proper deference to Luna. That makes sense. What I think would help sell that is if, rather than Rarity offering her stuff to Luna for her plan, Luna commands her to do it. "Yield your property to the state, Squiggletail, for I am the Princess of the Night, and I want it."

I think that'd help sell the twist at the end of the story.

It also doesn't wrap up very effectively; it feels like it's missing a denouement. Also, Luna could be more consistent with her Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.

>>Trick_Question
Twilight snuggling Rarity came totally out of left field and it never developed further. That isn't normal behavior for women, and it seems clear you weren't trying to ship them.


It'd be weird if this was EqG, but you could justify it here by saying that ponies are more physically affectionate with one another than humans are, even platonically. I speak as someone who's written platonic cuddling between these exact characters before, though, so my interpretation might be suspect.

(I've also written platonic cuddling between Twilight and Sunset in EqGverse... but, then again, they're both native horsepeople...)
#3 ·
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Genre: Salad Fork

Thoughts: Holy dang! This is top-flight material that I would gladly put at the top of my slate if it wasn’t for this huge ginormous but about the ending. IMO it’s like the story cuts off at the climax without giving us the resolution. Like this is wonderfully crafted but there’s a really big part missing. And I don’t think this is just me quibbling about liking the ending or not; it simply doesn’t resolve in its current version. That’s a shame, because this would deserve top marks with more of a resolution.

Tier: Almost There
#4 · 1
· · >>Xepher >>Dubs_Rewatcher
There's a lot to like about this story. It's a neat premise at the high level, and I enjoy Rarity as the framing device. Unfortunately, it also has one big issue that means it's going to end up pretty low on my slate.

Luna isn't worthy of respect, she is selfish, and honestly, she's kind of dumb.

That inof itself isn't a crippling flaw if, if, the story is about Rarity coming to terms with that fact. If this is Rarity's journey to realizing that Luna isn't all that, then that can work well. But as is, Rarity doesn't seem moved by this realization, and Luna learns nothing. As a result, neither character gets to experience any growth. All we get is insight into the mind of a character who really isn't all that likable. So from the perspective of the reader, nothing happens.
#5 ·
· · >>Trick_Question >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Rarity gaped as the diamonds melted away into vapor

That don't seem right...

Anyway, I don't have much to add aside from what has already been brought up. Luna is a bit caustic, the running gag was funny, and the whole story feels like the first chapter of a longer narrative

Interesting, but leaves me wanting more.
#6 · 1
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Zaid Val'Roa
As long as Rarity's gaping it's all good. :raritywink:

I regret nothing
#7 · 1
· · >>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
Rarity must have one hell of an internal temperature to be able to sublime diamonds into vapor...
#8 ·
·
>>Zaid Val'Roa
That's so hot.
#9 ·
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
Luna's dress fitting: It feels odd who she's very grateful for being saved, then seconds later, is so dismissive of the dress.

Rarity twice mentions Salad Fork's school, once as an etiquette school in the title, and once for calligraphy. Assuming those were classes at the same school, but... [EDIT: Seeing "Gastroenterology" now too, so this is on purpose each time] Canon Rarity has rather "uncultured" parents. Seems unlikely they sent her to a fancy private school. [EDIT: On purpose, maybe they didn't and this are the lies she tells herself]

Secret plans to meet in the woods, but... still hasn't corrected Luna about her name? Characters just feel ever so slightly "off" because of things like that, at least to me.

This goddess stuff feels weird in the MLP setting. As does the sudden shift into modern speech for Luna. If she's speaking old/formal style because she JUST returned from exile, then how does she accidentally slip into modern form?

Okay, and this doesn't end, just... stops. Luna as unredeemed jackass, and Rarity feeling sick. I'm really not sure what the message or point of this story is intended to be now. If this was mini-fic, I'd say the author ran out of words or time, but this is nowhere need the word limit either.

Overall, this has decent pacing and prose, but ultimately feels unrewarding as there is no character growth, no "lesson learned," nor any real reveal. >>GaPJaxie says it best, I think. This is presented as a Rarity story, but Rarity doesn't do much of anything.
#10 · 1
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
I will try not to reiterate too much what others have said.

I feel as if the pacing was a little bit off. The beginning seemed drawn out, leading to a rather abrupt end. There were a few moments where Luna slipped into a more casual way of speaking which were noticeable but not painfully so, and didn't take me out of the story.

I did like the ending, however. While it was a little rushed and awkward I did get a sense of something from the ending. You can try to be supportive and caring, but in the end you can't change people. They have to be willing to change themselves.

>>Trick_Question
Twilight snuggling Rarity came totally out of left field and it never developed further. That isn't normal behavior for women, and it seems clear you weren't trying to ship them.

I think this could easily be seen as Twi expressing friendly affection. Someone who has a more difficult time articulating their feelings would instead rely on forms of physical contact to convey them.


Overall, I really liked it. I see a lot potential in the story and I think if you are able to set aside some more time for your writing (I know it's easier said than done) you can do really well.
#11 · 1
· · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
This is one of the best entries that I've read. The portrayal of Luna and Rarity was excellent, even more so considering we see them at the beginnings of their characters. We get a lovely season 1 slice of life feeling, some funny moments and enjoyable interactions, some interesting world-building and a compelling story.

For the complaints, I agree with >>Trick_Question. The poetic introduction was weird and Twilight's snuggling felt off (at least in the early season 1 setting ) About the end, I'll guess the author didn't have enough time to finish the story properly.

I hope we'll be able to see a more complete version sooner or later, because I really enjoyed reading it. Can definitely be top tier.
#12 · 4
·
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>CoffeeMinion
>>GaPJaxie
>>Posh
>>TheRiverSings
>>moonwhisper
>>Trick_Question
>>Xepher

Um. Hello, everyone. This is my retrospective for Shoot for the Stars, coming... about three weeks late. Sorry.

I'm really making this comment to plug the completely revamped version of the fic, When We Took Back the Stars, which has just been posted on FiMFiction. It can be read by clicking on this nice colored text.

It's got a similar concept—Luna's lost control of the stars, wants them back—but pretty much everything else, from the characters to the setting to the style of narration has been changed. In addition: it's actually finished! It doesn't just rush to an ending like this one does!

Yeah, if you couldn't tell, that's 100% what happened here. I basically started writing this with only a few hours to go. In addition, I thought the deadline was an hour later than it was. As such, I had to both rush writing the last two scenes, as well as cut three more scenes I had planned.

The reason I wrote this was twofold: 1) I got the idea of shooting stars disappearing for the thousand years Luna was gone and thought it interesting, and 2) I've always wanted to write a fic where pre-Luna Eclipsed Luna refers to the Mane 6 by the name of their Element. I saw that once in a fic back in 2011, and I've always loved the idea.

I have no regrets for Twi cuddling Rarity. Cuddle your friends early and often.