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Determination
Trixie knows what it is to be determined.
She knows it better than anypony. She’s always felt it, her whole life. It’s a familiar companion, this sense of inevitability.
But just because something is inevitable doesn’t mean it’s something she wants. So she paces restlessly inside her wagon—all three steps there’s room to pace—and grumbles to herself, wordless noises of complaint.
They do her no good.
When a pony is determined to get what they’re after, and willing to do anything to get it, there’s only one thing to do: whatever it takes.
And so Trixie is well aware, like it or not, that she has no other choice. She exits her wagon, and hitches herself to it. It’s time to go.
What else can she do? Her mind is made up. She’s determined.
Travel is tiring, but also pleasant in some ways.
Trixie thinks to herself while she pulls her wagon along. She spends a lot of time thinking on the road. It’s a very contemplative place to be, with the long hours of solitude. Her mind always wanders while she walks. The only noise, a soft steady rhythm of hoofsteps, is nowhere near enough of a leash to keep her thoughts bound and focused, and she makes no effort to restrain them.
They drift until she’s thinking back to the first thing she was ever determined to achieve: becoming the greatest of stage magicians. She began as a filly, rushing home from school every day to practice card tricks, sleight-of-hoof, illusions of any type so long as they would bedazzle an audience.
She practiced in front of a mirror, in front of her classmates, in front of her parents. For hours and hours and hours, Trixie had honed her craft. It was determination measured in time.
It paid off, to an extent.
Trixie keeps walking, pulling her wagon along behind her. Her thoughts progress forward alongside her hooves on the hard-packed dirt road.
Trixie thinks about how the second thing she was ever determined to achieve was revenge. She’d almost had it, too, and to get it, she traded everything, every single coin she’d scrimped and scraped and somehow saved during those hard times.
Yes, Trixie paid dearly for the amulet that would give her the power; determination measured in bits.
She misses these bits, too, every time she catches the wafting, enticing aroma of a carrot dog vendor’s stand and has to think carefully about whether or not she can afford a decent hot meal today.
Revenge, she knows now, was a foolish thing to be determined about.
But that’s water under the bridge, dust under her wagon-wheels. It’s over and done, just like her journey is now. She unhitches her wagon, leaving it parked unobtrusively alongside some bushes in the green lawn surrounding a huge tree made of shimmering, faceted crystal.
Trixie walks over to the large, arched main doors, and knocks.
After a long moment, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship herself, answers.
“Trixie?” she asks, with a little half-smile. “Hang on, I’ll get Starlight.”
“No...” Trixie shakes her head hesitantly. “It’s you I came to see, actually.”
Twilight’s smile fades and she stands in silence, not sure what to say, just looking sidelong at Trixie with one eye half-closed.
Trixie feels awkward and wants to run away, but she won’t because she knows why she’s here.
Trixie knows what it is to be determined.
She would have liked to just let Twilight go get Starlight, and in a way, Starlight actually is why Trixie’s here: Starlight is something too important to screw up, and Trixie is determined not to.
She’ll do what it takes, go to who she needs to for help, and that means the pony who knows more about this than anypony else – even if she’s also the one who sank Trixie’s determination twice before.
Trixie stares at the ground while she swallows down the lump in her throat, the physical manifestation of her pride. It’s not easy to be here.
But it’s alright, because Trixie finally understands the kind of determination she really needs. She finally understands the reason the other kinds failed her before – they were incomplete because they lacked this.
This will be determination measured in humility.
“Twilight,” I begin, looking up and meeting her purple eyes with careful hope, “I was wondering: can... can you teach me how to be a better friend?”
I’m so incredibly relieved when her nod and kind smile say yes.
She knows it better than anypony. She’s always felt it, her whole life. It’s a familiar companion, this sense of inevitability.
But just because something is inevitable doesn’t mean it’s something she wants. So she paces restlessly inside her wagon—all three steps there’s room to pace—and grumbles to herself, wordless noises of complaint.
They do her no good.
When a pony is determined to get what they’re after, and willing to do anything to get it, there’s only one thing to do: whatever it takes.
And so Trixie is well aware, like it or not, that she has no other choice. She exits her wagon, and hitches herself to it. It’s time to go.
What else can she do? Her mind is made up. She’s determined.
Travel is tiring, but also pleasant in some ways.
Trixie thinks to herself while she pulls her wagon along. She spends a lot of time thinking on the road. It’s a very contemplative place to be, with the long hours of solitude. Her mind always wanders while she walks. The only noise, a soft steady rhythm of hoofsteps, is nowhere near enough of a leash to keep her thoughts bound and focused, and she makes no effort to restrain them.
They drift until she’s thinking back to the first thing she was ever determined to achieve: becoming the greatest of stage magicians. She began as a filly, rushing home from school every day to practice card tricks, sleight-of-hoof, illusions of any type so long as they would bedazzle an audience.
She practiced in front of a mirror, in front of her classmates, in front of her parents. For hours and hours and hours, Trixie had honed her craft. It was determination measured in time.
It paid off, to an extent.
Trixie keeps walking, pulling her wagon along behind her. Her thoughts progress forward alongside her hooves on the hard-packed dirt road.
Trixie thinks about how the second thing she was ever determined to achieve was revenge. She’d almost had it, too, and to get it, she traded everything, every single coin she’d scrimped and scraped and somehow saved during those hard times.
Yes, Trixie paid dearly for the amulet that would give her the power; determination measured in bits.
She misses these bits, too, every time she catches the wafting, enticing aroma of a carrot dog vendor’s stand and has to think carefully about whether or not she can afford a decent hot meal today.
Revenge, she knows now, was a foolish thing to be determined about.
But that’s water under the bridge, dust under her wagon-wheels. It’s over and done, just like her journey is now. She unhitches her wagon, leaving it parked unobtrusively alongside some bushes in the green lawn surrounding a huge tree made of shimmering, faceted crystal.
Trixie walks over to the large, arched main doors, and knocks.
After a long moment, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship herself, answers.
“Trixie?” she asks, with a little half-smile. “Hang on, I’ll get Starlight.”
“No...” Trixie shakes her head hesitantly. “It’s you I came to see, actually.”
Twilight’s smile fades and she stands in silence, not sure what to say, just looking sidelong at Trixie with one eye half-closed.
Trixie feels awkward and wants to run away, but she won’t because she knows why she’s here.
Trixie knows what it is to be determined.
She would have liked to just let Twilight go get Starlight, and in a way, Starlight actually is why Trixie’s here: Starlight is something too important to screw up, and Trixie is determined not to.
She’ll do what it takes, go to who she needs to for help, and that means the pony who knows more about this than anypony else – even if she’s also the one who sank Trixie’s determination twice before.
Trixie stares at the ground while she swallows down the lump in her throat, the physical manifestation of her pride. It’s not easy to be here.
But it’s alright, because Trixie finally understands the kind of determination she really needs. She finally understands the reason the other kinds failed her before – they were incomplete because they lacked this.
This will be determination measured in humility.
“Twilight,” I begin, looking up and meeting her purple eyes with careful hope, “I was wondering: can... can you teach me how to be a better friend?”
I’m so incredibly relieved when her nod and kind smile say yes.
Yep, that's good to get the ventricles running,
This is great, I mean it. Solid theming, concise execution, and a satisfying conclusion. My only complaint is that there's no real reason to have the first scene be a separate segment from the rest of the story Trixie could easily think about the points brought up at the beggining as she gets to the Castle.
This is just a minor complain that a bit of editing can help turn into an even better story.
Well done.
This is great, I mean it. Solid theming, concise execution, and a satisfying conclusion. My only complaint is that there's no real reason to have the first scene be a separate segment from the rest of the story Trixie could easily think about the points brought up at the beggining as she gets to the Castle.
This is just a minor complain that a bit of editing can help turn into an even better story.
Well done.
Nicely written bit of introspection with a solid punch to finish out a lot of naval gazing, but I have two big concerns here.
1. The switch to first person doesn't work. I realize this probably isn't intended as a switch to first person, but rather just one of those "Trixie drops out of third person when she's serious" thing, but, for all intents and purposes, it reads like you arbitrarily switched from TPP to FPP suddenly, and it is massively jarring. If you want to do this (which is fine and a good character thing for Trixie in general), you need to flag this as first person back near the beginning. Otherwise it is just way too jarring.
2. I love the core conflict here, but I don't think you establish well WHY this particular sacrifice is so hard for Trixie. You emphasize too much that she's determined to do whatever it takes to get things done, but that actually weakens the end a bit because she should logically be willing to demean, humiliate, and otherwise do whatever it took to make sure her friendship with Starlight works. You need to emphasize why THIS trial is different.
1. The switch to first person doesn't work. I realize this probably isn't intended as a switch to first person, but rather just one of those "Trixie drops out of third person when she's serious" thing, but, for all intents and purposes, it reads like you arbitrarily switched from TPP to FPP suddenly, and it is massively jarring. If you want to do this (which is fine and a good character thing for Trixie in general), you need to flag this as first person back near the beginning. Otherwise it is just way too jarring.
2. I love the core conflict here, but I don't think you establish well WHY this particular sacrifice is so hard for Trixie. You emphasize too much that she's determined to do whatever it takes to get things done, but that actually weakens the end a bit because she should logically be willing to demean, humiliate, and otherwise do whatever it took to make sure her friendship with Starlight works. You need to emphasize why THIS trial is different.
I like the plot and theme of this story.
I think >>AndrewRogue may have missed the switch to first-person coincided with how Trixie's voice shifts over the course of the show, but I think a larger point still holds. Jumping from one mindset to another to another in first-pony past tense is confusing. You'd do better to use present tense in this story, I think, because the cuts would indicate the passage of time so it doesn't seem like Trixie is reminiscing about reminiscing (which is the confusing thing she seems to be doing in this story).
The largest issue here for me is the telliness of the piece. I'd prefer to see snippets of Trixie at the moments of resolve and defeat, so we can see her make these decisions as they happen. This is much harder to do, but the payoff would be huge. Push yourself to show us things, even if what you're trying to show is what's going on in Trixie's head.
I think >>AndrewRogue may have missed the switch to first-person coincided with how Trixie's voice shifts over the course of the show, but I think a larger point still holds. Jumping from one mindset to another to another in first-pony past tense is confusing. You'd do better to use present tense in this story, I think, because the cuts would indicate the passage of time so it doesn't seem like Trixie is reminiscing about reminiscing (which is the confusing thing she seems to be doing in this story).
The largest issue here for me is the telliness of the piece. I'd prefer to see snippets of Trixie at the moments of resolve and defeat, so we can see her make these decisions as they happen. This is much harder to do, but the payoff would be huge. Push yourself to show us things, even if what you're trying to show is what's going on in Trixie's head.
Genre: Feels punch!!!
Thoughts: I didn't see the feels punch coming.
The first little bit of this is kind of funky and just hanging there in space, as >>Zaid Val'Roa mentions. Then I'll pile on with >>AndrewRogue and >>Trick_Question for the desire to see more of why Trixie wants to do this, and why she feels it's necessary. Like there must be some underlying conflict with Starlight that Trixie is looking for help with, right?
Nevertheless, the feels punch was there, and I got punched, and there were feels. I mean, "This will be determination measured in humility" is frickin' gold. The buildup to and delivery of that line elevates this above the quibbles that I could otherwise lob about stuff that others have noted.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: I didn't see the feels punch coming.
The first little bit of this is kind of funky and just hanging there in space, as >>Zaid Val'Roa mentions. Then I'll pile on with >>AndrewRogue and >>Trick_Question for the desire to see more of why Trixie wants to do this, and why she feels it's necessary. Like there must be some underlying conflict with Starlight that Trixie is looking for help with, right?
Nevertheless, the feels punch was there, and I got punched, and there were feels. I mean, "This will be determination measured in humility" is frickin' gold. The buildup to and delivery of that line elevates this above the quibbles that I could otherwise lob about stuff that others have noted.
Tier: Strong
>>AndrewRogue
Generally agreeing here. Most of the story establishes that Trixie is willing to throw away her pride and make the sacrifices to get what she wants. Then suddenly, she finds it difficult. A sense of shame is said to be the first thing to go in show business... >>Trick_Question points to telliness and I'm on board with that too.
The gut punch doesn't land with me, feels overwrought, but I'm notoriously stonehearted to such things so take that with a grain of salt. The voice switch seemed more significant, although I would like to see explicitly, in Trixie's own words, why she uses third person and why she switches to first. Most of the people I've known in real life who use reflexive third person have very specific reasons for doing so, which are very important to them!
Overall a solid midcard entry for me. Tighten up the aim of your punches, make sure you know where you're throwing them and why, and they'll get around the opponent's guard. Thanks for writing!
Generally agreeing here. Most of the story establishes that Trixie is willing to throw away her pride and make the sacrifices to get what she wants. Then suddenly, she finds it difficult. A sense of shame is said to be the first thing to go in show business... >>Trick_Question points to telliness and I'm on board with that too.
The gut punch doesn't land with me, feels overwrought, but I'm notoriously stonehearted to such things so take that with a grain of salt. The voice switch seemed more significant, although I would like to see explicitly, in Trixie's own words, why she uses third person and why she switches to first. Most of the people I've known in real life who use reflexive third person have very specific reasons for doing so, which are very important to them!
Overall a solid midcard entry for me. Tighten up the aim of your punches, make sure you know where you're throwing them and why, and they'll get around the opponent's guard. Thanks for writing!
Hmm, this is a difficult piece to really critique. Rereading to review I like it better than I did upon the first read. Still, there's something slightly off about it that undercuts the emotional arc that you're building. I think the easy thing to say is 'show don't tell' but I've always been much more fine with telliness when used appropriately and working within this span of words, I think being direct is an advantage.
All I can really do here is briefly talk about how I would write this differently - and take that with a boulder-sized grain of salt. But I think your overall frame of Trixie pulling the wagon is less helpful than it is distracting. You've got kind of a nice three when talking about determination here: Trixie being determined to be a good magician, Trixie being determined to seek revenge, Trixie being determined to learn to be a better friend (even if it means swallowing her pride!). I really like that rule-of-3 structure, but you step on the first part, assuming the reader can fill in how important performance was to Trixie. The second is better. But then the third is kind of in a different form from the first ones, and comes across a little stilted. I would have written this in three chunks, each focusing on and developing the importance of each of the three determinations. As it is, the parts with her pulling the wagon feel to me more like filling space than actually adding to the central message.
I think the text here is solid to me, but lacks a spark that ties it together, which is a hard problem to diagnose. Really thinking about it, it might be that you just assume too much on the part of the reader. I really would have appreciated some serious, emotional consideration of what her initial training meant, or what the revenge consisted of; as it is, it feels like you invoke the ideas without explaining or developing them, which feels like a missed opportunity.
But then that's not the story you wrote, and maybe not anywhere close to the story you wanted to write and there's nothing wrong with that. And fitting into 750 words is always a tricky balance. Anyways, it was worth reading, so, thank you.
All I can really do here is briefly talk about how I would write this differently - and take that with a boulder-sized grain of salt. But I think your overall frame of Trixie pulling the wagon is less helpful than it is distracting. You've got kind of a nice three when talking about determination here: Trixie being determined to be a good magician, Trixie being determined to seek revenge, Trixie being determined to learn to be a better friend (even if it means swallowing her pride!). I really like that rule-of-3 structure, but you step on the first part, assuming the reader can fill in how important performance was to Trixie. The second is better. But then the third is kind of in a different form from the first ones, and comes across a little stilted. I would have written this in three chunks, each focusing on and developing the importance of each of the three determinations. As it is, the parts with her pulling the wagon feel to me more like filling space than actually adding to the central message.
I think the text here is solid to me, but lacks a spark that ties it together, which is a hard problem to diagnose. Really thinking about it, it might be that you just assume too much on the part of the reader. I really would have appreciated some serious, emotional consideration of what her initial training meant, or what the revenge consisted of; as it is, it feels like you invoke the ideas without explaining or developing them, which feels like a missed opportunity.
But then that's not the story you wrote, and maybe not anywhere close to the story you wanted to write and there's nothing wrong with that. And fitting into 750 words is always a tricky balance. Anyways, it was worth reading, so, thank you.
I think this is playing it's cards too close to its chest.
As far as I can tell, the conflict in this story is Old Trixie vs. New Trixie. New Trixie is determined(tm) to be a better friend/person, but Old Trixie is convinced she's going to screw everything up horribly again, somehow, but is forcing herself to try for it anyways.
The thing is, I didn't really catch on to what was going on until the last few paragraphs. It seems like she's marching along, thinking about the things she's tried in the past, trying to figure out what she's done right and what she's done wrong, so she can puzzle out what it is she needs to do to make this work, and it all comes together at the end, with that 'humility' line.
The problem is, I couldn't actually tell she was doing that until I reached the end, because I didn't know what she headed for, what she was trying to do; all I knew was that she was determined. As such, I didn't have any context to place her musings in; was she looking back on them, trying to figure out how to get her revenge? In regret? I couldn't tell.
To that end, I think a bit of foreshadowing would help this story a lot. I don't think it works well as a reveal; I'd rather see it as foreboding. Well, that has it's own problems too, I guess, because if we know what she's going to do, then we'll think of course Twilight's going to help her? So maybe not, I dunno. Maybe I'm misreading what you're intending.
All in all, this was pretty good, but I felt it didn't really come together for me until the final few lines, and because of that, I had a hard time engaging with the first few sections meaningfully.
As far as I can tell, the conflict in this story is Old Trixie vs. New Trixie. New Trixie is determined(tm) to be a better friend/person, but Old Trixie is convinced she's going to screw everything up horribly again, somehow, but is forcing herself to try for it anyways.
The thing is, I didn't really catch on to what was going on until the last few paragraphs. It seems like she's marching along, thinking about the things she's tried in the past, trying to figure out what she's done right and what she's done wrong, so she can puzzle out what it is she needs to do to make this work, and it all comes together at the end, with that 'humility' line.
The problem is, I couldn't actually tell she was doing that until I reached the end, because I didn't know what she headed for, what she was trying to do; all I knew was that she was determined. As such, I didn't have any context to place her musings in; was she looking back on them, trying to figure out how to get her revenge? In regret? I couldn't tell.
To that end, I think a bit of foreshadowing would help this story a lot. I don't think it works well as a reveal; I'd rather see it as foreboding. Well, that has it's own problems too, I guess, because if we know what she's going to do, then we'll think of course Twilight's going to help her? So maybe not, I dunno. Maybe I'm misreading what you're intending.
All in all, this was pretty good, but I felt it didn't really come together for me until the final few lines, and because of that, I had a hard time engaging with the first few sections meaningfully.