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"Do you think Sweetie Belle will be civil enough if we keep her on the northern side of the Town hall?"
Rarity froze with the table card half folded in her magic, then turned to Applejack. The temperature in the room fell a couple of degrees as she asked, "Civil enough?"
"Well, uh..." Applejack's eyes darted around the kitchen. Escape plans were formed, evaluated, and then discarded at a speed that would have made Twilight proud.
"Are you implying something about my sweet, little sister?" Soon it would be freezing, and yet Applejack felt sweat forming.
And then only the honesty move was left. Applejack looked down on the table, on the pile of unfolded cards, on the guest list and on the green check mark near Sweetie Belle's name. "It's... You see... Well, Applebloom should be on the southern side, but she can't be too far from the central table with Scoots, and, well, after the last time—"
With a snap, the card finished folding, then floated down on the table. Applejack suspected that the edge was straight enough to cut if not handled with proper care.
At least it was less sharp than Rarity's tone. "And we both know that last time it was only Sweetie Belle's fault."
Well, honesty went both ways. With a sigh, she admitted, "No, it wasn't, and I didn't want to say that. It's just, you know, Granny Smith will be there and Applebloom will be good. Sweetie, on the other hoof..."
"Sweetie Belle will be on her best behavior." A white hoof rose to touch Applejack's shoulder. The tone mellowed out. "I sent her a letter where I was quite explicit about what I expect from her. And I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean anything with what you said. If I have to be honest, it's something that has been bothering me too for quite a while now. And you know how I can become when I'm frustrated."
Applejack grabbed another unfolded card and stared down at it. "This is stupid."
"I agree, but it is as it is, and we can't do much about it. They are our little sisters, but they are also grown mares. At least legally, even if I have half an idea of debating that with Twilight." Rarity stood up and turned to the stove. "Do you care for a cup of tea?"
"Yeah, thanks. The black one you let me try last time, please."
"It was called Keemun. I think you could at least learn the names of what you like."
"Keemun, got it. I promise nothing about remembering it." Applejack put the card back. "Maybe we can tan their hides. I think that's a big sister right. Should be in the law, somewhere."
A kettle floated on the stove. "Tempting, but let's be realistic. Did you ever do that to Applebloom?"
"No. Not even after the Peppermint Incident."
A visible shudder ran down Rarity's back. "Right, Do you think it would help doing it now?"
"We can try." Applejack sighed. She seemed to do it a lot lately, and almost every time Applebloom was involved in it, it seemed. "No, I don't think it would do anything. Could be satisfying, though."
"One expects a bit more maturity from them. Scootaloo is getting married, at this point in life they should be beyond such foalish fights."
"Maybe we can ask Scoots where to put them."
Rarity turned around and glared. It was a well-trained glare, it hit all the right highs and lows necessary to make it effective and quite final. "You won't do such a thing. The poor dear is stressed enough as she is. We promised we'll help, and we will do everything in our power to do that. Even managing siblings that should know better."
"Got it." Applejack leaned back and looked up at the old wooden beams on the ceiling. "Can we finish with the other invitees before we go back to this? Maybe we can ask Pinkie if there's some kind of Party Pony trick for this stuff."
Rarity floated a couple of cups out from the cupboard. "We can, Celestia knows there are enough other things to do. But we'll have to find a way, sooner or later."
Applejack huffed. "I know. It's just... They're driving me nuts. They're so damn stubborn."
Rarity smiled briefly, then walked over to Applejack and gave her a peck on the cheek. "They are. One wonders where they got that from."
Rarity froze with the table card half folded in her magic, then turned to Applejack. The temperature in the room fell a couple of degrees as she asked, "Civil enough?"
"Well, uh..." Applejack's eyes darted around the kitchen. Escape plans were formed, evaluated, and then discarded at a speed that would have made Twilight proud.
"Are you implying something about my sweet, little sister?" Soon it would be freezing, and yet Applejack felt sweat forming.
And then only the honesty move was left. Applejack looked down on the table, on the pile of unfolded cards, on the guest list and on the green check mark near Sweetie Belle's name. "It's... You see... Well, Applebloom should be on the southern side, but she can't be too far from the central table with Scoots, and, well, after the last time—"
With a snap, the card finished folding, then floated down on the table. Applejack suspected that the edge was straight enough to cut if not handled with proper care.
At least it was less sharp than Rarity's tone. "And we both know that last time it was only Sweetie Belle's fault."
Well, honesty went both ways. With a sigh, she admitted, "No, it wasn't, and I didn't want to say that. It's just, you know, Granny Smith will be there and Applebloom will be good. Sweetie, on the other hoof..."
"Sweetie Belle will be on her best behavior." A white hoof rose to touch Applejack's shoulder. The tone mellowed out. "I sent her a letter where I was quite explicit about what I expect from her. And I'm sorry, I know you didn't mean anything with what you said. If I have to be honest, it's something that has been bothering me too for quite a while now. And you know how I can become when I'm frustrated."
Applejack grabbed another unfolded card and stared down at it. "This is stupid."
"I agree, but it is as it is, and we can't do much about it. They are our little sisters, but they are also grown mares. At least legally, even if I have half an idea of debating that with Twilight." Rarity stood up and turned to the stove. "Do you care for a cup of tea?"
"Yeah, thanks. The black one you let me try last time, please."
"It was called Keemun. I think you could at least learn the names of what you like."
"Keemun, got it. I promise nothing about remembering it." Applejack put the card back. "Maybe we can tan their hides. I think that's a big sister right. Should be in the law, somewhere."
A kettle floated on the stove. "Tempting, but let's be realistic. Did you ever do that to Applebloom?"
"No. Not even after the Peppermint Incident."
A visible shudder ran down Rarity's back. "Right, Do you think it would help doing it now?"
"We can try." Applejack sighed. She seemed to do it a lot lately, and almost every time Applebloom was involved in it, it seemed. "No, I don't think it would do anything. Could be satisfying, though."
"One expects a bit more maturity from them. Scootaloo is getting married, at this point in life they should be beyond such foalish fights."
"Maybe we can ask Scoots where to put them."
Rarity turned around and glared. It was a well-trained glare, it hit all the right highs and lows necessary to make it effective and quite final. "You won't do such a thing. The poor dear is stressed enough as she is. We promised we'll help, and we will do everything in our power to do that. Even managing siblings that should know better."
"Got it." Applejack leaned back and looked up at the old wooden beams on the ceiling. "Can we finish with the other invitees before we go back to this? Maybe we can ask Pinkie if there's some kind of Party Pony trick for this stuff."
Rarity floated a couple of cups out from the cupboard. "We can, Celestia knows there are enough other things to do. But we'll have to find a way, sooner or later."
Applejack huffed. "I know. It's just... They're driving me nuts. They're so damn stubborn."
Rarity smiled briefly, then walked over to Applejack and gave her a peck on the cheek. "They are. One wonders where they got that from."
While not the most profound or dramatic piece, it's well crafted and does a good job showing the emotions and nuances of the characters.
The story has a lot of layers, and seems to invest most of its effort in detail, with the larger plot details only hinted at between the lines.
It's effective in feeling natural, though at the risk of losing clarity. Clearly there's been a falling out among the CMC, though I couldn't tell what about.
There's also shades of Rarijack going on, but that led to another gray area. The even seems to be a wedding, but I wasn't sure who's. At first I thought that it was for Rarijack, but on my second read, it also kind of sounded like it might be scootaloo.
The story has a lot of layers, and seems to invest most of its effort in detail, with the larger plot details only hinted at between the lines.
It's effective in feeling natural, though at the risk of losing clarity. Clearly there's been a falling out among the CMC, though I couldn't tell what about.
There's also shades of Rarijack going on, but that led to another gray area. The even seems to be a wedding, but I wasn't sure who's. At first I thought that it was for Rarijack, but on my second read, it also kind of sounded like it might be scootaloo.
I think this is definitely Rarity and Applejack helping plan Scootaloo's wedding. I liked this a lot, probably more than it objectively merits - the main thing holding it back is that it plays things too cute by holding back information. That makes it intriguing. But it also means the central conflict that the story focuses on (Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom) is a cipher that's never explained. And that makes it hard to really connect with things.
But the actual relationship between AJ and Rarity is pretty solid, and that carries the story a lot. (esp. for me, but that's my own biases at work)
But the actual relationship between AJ and Rarity is pretty solid, and that carries the story a lot. (esp. for me, but that's my own biases at work)
So I read 'table card' as 'card table' and was kinda confused for about half the fic. :P
This story makes great use of implication, and I appreciate that a lot. It's also a nice little character piece, and fits very well in its allotted space. It's not super deep or especially powerful, feeling like simple slice-of-life; the conflict introduced in the opening is easily dismissed soon after (not so stubborn, perhaps?) and then it just kinda coasts for a bit before closing on some shipping. But, it seems to do what it sets out to do with aplomb. I may rank more ambitious fics higher, but this one is really solid.
I'm pretty sure it's Scoots wedding, because they're discussing seating AB and Sweetie and the 'ask Scoots where to put them' line. Unless Scoots is the wedding planner, but... yeah.
This story makes great use of implication, and I appreciate that a lot. It's also a nice little character piece, and fits very well in its allotted space. It's not super deep or especially powerful, feeling like simple slice-of-life; the conflict introduced in the opening is easily dismissed soon after (not so stubborn, perhaps?) and then it just kinda coasts for a bit before closing on some shipping. But, it seems to do what it sets out to do with aplomb. I may rank more ambitious fics higher, but this one is really solid.
I'm pretty sure it's Scoots wedding, because they're discussing seating AB and Sweetie and the 'ask Scoots where to put them' line. Unless Scoots is the wedding planner, but... yeah.
>>Not_A_Hat
The story doesn't give a lot of context (it's another "noodle incident" story, which is a little frustrating to me), but it does outright state that Scoots is getting married. Though, like everyone else, I thought this was about Applejack and Rarity getting hitched.
I think that's to the story's credit, actually. I love couples that show such casual, easy intimacy as these two do in this piece; they feel so entrenched in one another's lives that I'd believe they were a couple even if there wasn't that smooch at the end. It's a minor moment in an event in these characters' lives that shows something sweet, and even profound, in their relationship.
And I'm a sucker for that, I'm afraid. <3
I'm pretty sure it's Scoots wedding, because they're discussing seating AB and Sweetie and the 'ask Scoots where to put them' line. Unless Scoots is the wedding planner, but... yeah.
The story doesn't give a lot of context (it's another "noodle incident" story, which is a little frustrating to me), but it does outright state that Scoots is getting married. Though, like everyone else, I thought this was about Applejack and Rarity getting hitched.
I think that's to the story's credit, actually. I love couples that show such casual, easy intimacy as these two do in this piece; they feel so entrenched in one another's lives that I'd believe they were a couple even if there wasn't that smooch at the end. It's a minor moment in an event in these characters' lives that shows something sweet, and even profound, in their relationship.
And I'm a sucker for that, I'm afraid. <3
This is a great story, and it's believable to a point. It's very hard to imagine AB and SB at odds like this, especially with Scootaloo in the middle on her special day... unless the sticking point is over the mare she's mare-eying (who is obviously big sister and idol Rainbow Dash, duh). So I feel there's some kind of groom-related issue going on but I don't really know what you had in mind.
The fact that the primary conflict in the story (well, it's not the primary conflict but it's the primary 'conflict' in the exposition) is never shown to the audience is very frustrating, even though it isn't at all what the story is about. I think part of the reason it's so frustrating is that it's hard to imagine what could separate such close friends, especially in this context. As the author, I feel you should decide what this is, even if you never put it in the story. It's important backstory that will come out subconsciously in your writing. I'm not sure that you came up with a reason for the bitter separation before you put the story together.
Rarity comes off (to me, at least) as more severe than Applejack, and I think this unintentionally sends the message that Sweetie is the one responsible for everything that turned South. Maybe AJ should show a little more spine or peevishness.
You have a lot of great show, but you slip into overly-telliness like this in places. That might be a place to focus, if you agree.
The fact that the primary conflict in the story (well, it's not the primary conflict but it's the primary 'conflict' in the exposition) is never shown to the audience is very frustrating, even though it isn't at all what the story is about. I think part of the reason it's so frustrating is that it's hard to imagine what could separate such close friends, especially in this context. As the author, I feel you should decide what this is, even if you never put it in the story. It's important backstory that will come out subconsciously in your writing. I'm not sure that you came up with a reason for the bitter separation before you put the story together.
Rarity comes off (to me, at least) as more severe than Applejack, and I think this unintentionally sends the message that Sweetie is the one responsible for everything that turned South. Maybe AJ should show a little more spine or peevishness.
It was a well-trained glare, it hit all the right highs and lows necessary to make it effective and quite final.
You have a lot of great show, but you slip into overly-telliness like this in places. That might be a place to focus, if you agree.
Mm. So, I'm largely with >>Not_A_Hat here, except that for me, the implications don't work. The Noodle Incident pervades this piece. It forms the background for all the conflict, not just between the younger sisters, but AJ and Rarity. And we don't know what it is. I can't imagine what it could be, and in turn, I can't get into the emotional beats the story wants me to believe, because the conflict feels forced and carries no weight.
It's trying to be evocative, I get that, but I need the background material in place for my emotions to actually be evoked. I'm just not willing to assume Something Happened and these (magically bound!) friends are now at each other's throats (but also still maybe a couple?)
I know minific is constraining and you want to get in the maximum amount of banter, descriptions of Rarity's tone, AJ's thoughts, all that evocative stuff that will get readers' juices flowing. But that's the temptation of the Dark Side of the Writing Force. You can't shunt the entire base of conflict into implied backstory. That's cheating. And when I see the story cheat like that, and cut its substance to fit in extra style, I can't give the style credit.
This may be sounding whiny, I'm not finding very non-harsh words, and I apologize for that. I don't have much else in the way of critique, most aspects are great! The prose is on point (maybe a little telly in places, but that's my style too so I can't hate it), the tone comes through strongly, the relationships are vivid, it's very visual and easy to imagine. But all of this is accomplished by the piece devoting many words to these aspects, and it can only afford to do so because of what it isn't spending words on. You were the chosen one!
It'd be a fantastic 1000-1500 word piece if it could take a few extra moments and talk about what, exactly, happened in the past and how Rarity and AJ specifically feel about it and have reacted to it. But it doesn't all fit in 750, and the Dark Side is ultimately self-destructive. Very close to greatness, though. Thanks for writing!
It's trying to be evocative, I get that, but I need the background material in place for my emotions to actually be evoked. I'm just not willing to assume Something Happened and these (magically bound!) friends are now at each other's throats (but also still maybe a couple?)
I know minific is constraining and you want to get in the maximum amount of banter, descriptions of Rarity's tone, AJ's thoughts, all that evocative stuff that will get readers' juices flowing. But that's the temptation of the Dark Side of the Writing Force. You can't shunt the entire base of conflict into implied backstory. That's cheating. And when I see the story cheat like that, and cut its substance to fit in extra style, I can't give the style credit.
This may be sounding whiny, I'm not finding very non-harsh words, and I apologize for that. I don't have much else in the way of critique, most aspects are great! The prose is on point (maybe a little telly in places, but that's my style too so I can't hate it), the tone comes through strongly, the relationships are vivid, it's very visual and easy to imagine. But all of this is accomplished by the piece devoting many words to these aspects, and it can only afford to do so because of what it isn't spending words on. You were the chosen one!
It'd be a fantastic 1000-1500 word piece if it could take a few extra moments and talk about what, exactly, happened in the past and how Rarity and AJ specifically feel about it and have reacted to it. But it doesn't all fit in 750, and the Dark Side is ultimately self-destructive. Very close to greatness, though. Thanks for writing!
What >>Ranmilia says. It’s nicely written, but I was mainly left at arm’s length. Possibility because—sorry if that sounds absurd—the characters were too spot on, so I expected a subversion that never came.
It’s a nice dialogue, AJ and R play off well one another, but that’s it. It’s like, you know, those dialogues you get in English teaching books. You read them, and wonder what do you get from them except a few additional words to write down.
Now I’m sorry if that sounds rude. It was a bit inappropriate. It’s a nice slice of life, but just one I don’t really care about, so it left me pretty unconcerned.
But that doesn’t mean you, the author, have no talent or skill. Just that you chose to strike the wrong chord.
It’s a nice dialogue, AJ and R play off well one another, but that’s it. It’s like, you know, those dialogues you get in English teaching books. You read them, and wonder what do you get from them except a few additional words to write down.
Now I’m sorry if that sounds rude. It was a bit inappropriate. It’s a nice slice of life, but just one I don’t really care about, so it left me pretty unconcerned.
But that doesn’t mean you, the author, have no talent or skill. Just that you chose to strike the wrong chord.
Lightning Review: It's hard for me to buy the scenario here, but I can't deny the quality of execution.
Tier: Strong
Tier: Strong
I'm with >>sharpspark - I liked the overall idea here, but it would be nice if we had a better idea of what was actually going on with the core conflict between Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, or if we had a better idea about some greater idea. I could see that being a vehicle for something else, but there isn't anything else for it to be a vehicle for.
In other words, I'm just not sure what the point of this story is - it spends a lot of focus on Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom being in conflict, but the conflict doesn't seem to actually mean anything in a greater sense. Is it supposed to be in some greater sense reflective of Rarity and Applejack's own relationship? If so, we need a lot more context for it.
What are you trying to accomplish with this? I don't actually know, and am left guessing, and shouldn't be.
In other words, I'm just not sure what the point of this story is - it spends a lot of focus on Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom being in conflict, but the conflict doesn't seem to actually mean anything in a greater sense. Is it supposed to be in some greater sense reflective of Rarity and Applejack's own relationship? If so, we need a lot more context for it.
What are you trying to accomplish with this? I don't actually know, and am left guessing, and shouldn't be.
This is... cute and pleasantly written, but it is sort of unfortunate that it implies like a dozen other stories that end up being more interesting to contemplate than the existing one. That isn't to the thing we have written in front of is nice, but it is more or less just casual conversation with minimal stakes. Rarity and AJ's lives aren't overly affected by the issues at hand.
I think this sort of thing can work, but I do think there needs to be some actual meat to it. Like some stronger friction in their relationship from their attempts to deal with their wayward siblings, or even more pressure on them as a result of their siblings.
I think this sort of thing can work, but I do think there needs to be some actual meat to it. Like some stronger friction in their relationship from their attempts to deal with their wayward siblings, or even more pressure on them as a result of their siblings.