Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Your Fate
The chains rattled as Nightmare Moon paced in her cell, staring out between the crystalline bars at the approaching pony on the other side. “Finished conferring with your friends, I see.” Nightmare Moon leered at her. “Decided what to do with me yet?”
“Not yet,” Twilight admitted, glancing to the side. “We still aren’t sure if it is safe to remove the Elements from the Tree of Harmony.”
“Hmph. Returning me to the Moon?”
“Well, no. We’re hoping to cleanse you of the nightmare.” Twilight walked up to the side of Nightmare Moon’s cell, resting her hoof on one of the bars.
Nightmare Moon cackled. “Of course you are. Of course. Certainly not trying to banish me to the Moon once more. Wouldn’t want me to resist, now would you?” She slammed her hoof into the bar of the cell, but it held fast. “Well, I must say. Your castle of ‘friendship’ certainly has well-made cells.”
“It still kind of creeps me out that it came with those,” Twilight said, dragging her hoof across the crystalline floor.
Nightmare Moon scowled at the smaller alicorn. “It annoys me to realize that my counterpart in this world fell to someone as soft as you. Though I suppose you did have some help.” She tilted her head up, staring up at the ceiling, as if she could see through it. “That brother of yours, and that pink princess are quite formidable. Not to mention your student.”
Twilight shook her head. “Actually, Cadance and Shining Armor didn’t even help me defeat you. And I hadn’t even met Starlight yet. It was actually me and my friends who found the Elements of Harmony and—“
“Yes, yes.” Nightmare Moon scowled. “My servant Rarity mentioned that you recognized her, and you seemed to recognize Rainbow Dash as well. Friends of yours in this world, I presume?”
Twilight frowned. “Yes.”
“Well, at least you have some eye for talent.” Nightmare Moon returned to her pacing as the chain links clinked against the floor of the cell. “And what will you do if your precious Elements can’t be used, hm?”
Twilight’s eyes slid across the floor before she lifted her head, her eyes hardening. “Then I would do everything within my power to try and bring you back to us. Luna, you don’t have to be this way. You know your sister loves you.”
“Lies!” Nightmare Moon reared back on her hooves before slamming her front hooves against the bars of her cell. “My sister always mistreated me! I was always lesser in her eyes. That is why, in my world, I banished her to the Moon! She will be no more than a bedtime story, as I was!”
“Celestia created the tradition of Nightmare Night to make things easier for you, Luna! She wanted you to come back and ponies not to think of you as some sort of monster, but something fun!”
“Hah! A likely story.” Nightmare Moon sneered.
“Luna, she—“
“And cease calling me by that name! I am Nightmare Moon, not the lowly Princess Luna.” Nightmare Moon ground her teeth together.
Twilight squared her shoulders. “I’ll call you by your true name whether you like it or not, Luna.”
“Hmph.” Nightmare Moon turned away from the bars. “If I had known that spell you used would draw me into a castle full of powerful ponies, I would never have come.”
“It is good for you that you did,” Twilight said, licking her lips. “Things don’t have to be this way, you know. You could throw off the nightmare, and we could go back to your world and free your sister and—“
“Hmph. I know what waits there. She won’t forgive me, not after what I’ve done.”
“She would. Celestia loves you.”
“And how do you know, hm? I’m sure she had a very sad story for you after you returned me to the Moon. ‘Oh, how I loved my sister. If only she knew her place.’”
“Actually, she returned me to my place, ruling by her side.”
Nightmare Moon’s head jerked around at the sound of that smooth voice. “No, it cannot be.”
Luna stepped out of the stairwell to stand next to Twilight. “Any progress?”
“None, I’m afraid. She doesn’t seem to want to let go.”
“No! You cannot be real!” Nightmare Moon slammed her hooves into the cell bars a third time. “My sister would never forgive me!”
Luna sighed and stepped towards the cell. “Perhaps I should try.”
Nightmare Moon screamed.
“Not yet,” Twilight admitted, glancing to the side. “We still aren’t sure if it is safe to remove the Elements from the Tree of Harmony.”
“Hmph. Returning me to the Moon?”
“Well, no. We’re hoping to cleanse you of the nightmare.” Twilight walked up to the side of Nightmare Moon’s cell, resting her hoof on one of the bars.
Nightmare Moon cackled. “Of course you are. Of course. Certainly not trying to banish me to the Moon once more. Wouldn’t want me to resist, now would you?” She slammed her hoof into the bar of the cell, but it held fast. “Well, I must say. Your castle of ‘friendship’ certainly has well-made cells.”
“It still kind of creeps me out that it came with those,” Twilight said, dragging her hoof across the crystalline floor.
Nightmare Moon scowled at the smaller alicorn. “It annoys me to realize that my counterpart in this world fell to someone as soft as you. Though I suppose you did have some help.” She tilted her head up, staring up at the ceiling, as if she could see through it. “That brother of yours, and that pink princess are quite formidable. Not to mention your student.”
Twilight shook her head. “Actually, Cadance and Shining Armor didn’t even help me defeat you. And I hadn’t even met Starlight yet. It was actually me and my friends who found the Elements of Harmony and—“
“Yes, yes.” Nightmare Moon scowled. “My servant Rarity mentioned that you recognized her, and you seemed to recognize Rainbow Dash as well. Friends of yours in this world, I presume?”
Twilight frowned. “Yes.”
“Well, at least you have some eye for talent.” Nightmare Moon returned to her pacing as the chain links clinked against the floor of the cell. “And what will you do if your precious Elements can’t be used, hm?”
Twilight’s eyes slid across the floor before she lifted her head, her eyes hardening. “Then I would do everything within my power to try and bring you back to us. Luna, you don’t have to be this way. You know your sister loves you.”
“Lies!” Nightmare Moon reared back on her hooves before slamming her front hooves against the bars of her cell. “My sister always mistreated me! I was always lesser in her eyes. That is why, in my world, I banished her to the Moon! She will be no more than a bedtime story, as I was!”
“Celestia created the tradition of Nightmare Night to make things easier for you, Luna! She wanted you to come back and ponies not to think of you as some sort of monster, but something fun!”
“Hah! A likely story.” Nightmare Moon sneered.
“Luna, she—“
“And cease calling me by that name! I am Nightmare Moon, not the lowly Princess Luna.” Nightmare Moon ground her teeth together.
Twilight squared her shoulders. “I’ll call you by your true name whether you like it or not, Luna.”
“Hmph.” Nightmare Moon turned away from the bars. “If I had known that spell you used would draw me into a castle full of powerful ponies, I would never have come.”
“It is good for you that you did,” Twilight said, licking her lips. “Things don’t have to be this way, you know. You could throw off the nightmare, and we could go back to your world and free your sister and—“
“Hmph. I know what waits there. She won’t forgive me, not after what I’ve done.”
“She would. Celestia loves you.”
“And how do you know, hm? I’m sure she had a very sad story for you after you returned me to the Moon. ‘Oh, how I loved my sister. If only she knew her place.’”
“Actually, she returned me to my place, ruling by her side.”
Nightmare Moon’s head jerked around at the sound of that smooth voice. “No, it cannot be.”
Luna stepped out of the stairwell to stand next to Twilight. “Any progress?”
“None, I’m afraid. She doesn’t seem to want to let go.”
“No! You cannot be real!” Nightmare Moon slammed her hooves into the cell bars a third time. “My sister would never forgive me!”
Luna sighed and stepped towards the cell. “Perhaps I should try.”
Nightmare Moon screamed.
"Your castle of ‘friendship’ certainly has well-made cells.”
“It still kind of creeps me out that it came with those.”
I love these lines!
Well that was interesting. I feel like this was a small middle piece of something larger. But I got a good taste of the idea you were trying to convey. Good job.
More dictation reviews. Sorry if they're short.
… Something something the Lunas have been doubled! Sorry. :P
The swerve in the end is a little problematic, because the story was two person dialog up to that point. So I originally thought it was Twilight speaking and had to do a double take.
Other than that, this mostly works. However it feels like it doesn't have much resolution, because it just kind of stops before anything really happens with the conflict that's been introduced.
Overall, pretty solid construction. But there's not enough going on for me to feel really satisfied.
… Something something the Lunas have been doubled! Sorry. :P
The swerve in the end is a little problematic, because the story was two person dialog up to that point. So I originally thought it was Twilight speaking and had to do a double take.
Other than that, this mostly works. However it feels like it doesn't have much resolution, because it just kind of stops before anything really happens with the conflict that's been introduced.
Overall, pretty solid construction. But there's not enough going on for me to feel really satisfied.
Solid prose, but this leaves me with one big question: why isn't this a Luna story? Like, I'm not actually sure what Twilight being the primary protagonist here offers, especially considering the ends sets up that Luna is going to be the one to make all the difference. Basically, it feels like this is a first scene to set up the Luna v NMM story.
Beyond that, consider establishing faster that this is alternate timeline NMM, as I was deeply confused for quite a while (how did Luna end up as NMM again?), and I don't think the ambiguity regarding her identity adds anything.
Beyond that, consider establishing faster that this is alternate timeline NMM, as I was deeply confused for quite a while (how did Luna end up as NMM again?), and I don't think the ambiguity regarding her identity adds anything.
Not really a good fit to the mini format here. We enter in media res, dealing with an alt-world Nightmare Moon, due to... I don't know, the circumstances are never explained. Figuring that out took a fair portion of mental energy. Then the characters yell at each other for a while, Twilight deadnames Nightmare Moon and makes assumptions about her world like an asshole, Luna shows up, and ??? The End, No Moral.
Try to do a smaller, more concrete idea that can fully fit in the minific format, next time. Your prose is fine, keep practicing and thinking about what you write from multiple angles, and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!
Try to do a smaller, more concrete idea that can fully fit in the minific format, next time. Your prose is fine, keep practicing and thinking about what you write from multiple angles, and you'll go far. Thanks for writing!
Aw, man... I feel robbed, you had a great momentum and then the story just stops. Guess the wordcount worked against you, huh?
I wonder what could you have done to deliver a well-rounded sotry, and I'm n ot sure if I'd like to see anything go. I presume the in media res beginning was a way of getting a few more words in, but we're still left without resolution.
I really liked this, but I'm left unsatisfied.
I wonder what could you have done to deliver a well-rounded sotry, and I'm n ot sure if I'd like to see anything go. I presume the in media res beginning was a way of getting a few more words in, but we're still left without resolution.
I really liked this, but I'm left unsatisfied.
Okay. Well, what the others say. Most of all, why is this alt NMM here? Why did she land in that universe? Why is she imprisonned? Why would ever Twilight try to reform her? After all, the alt-Celestia could be a douche, as the alt NMM claims.
The dialogue between T and NMM feels pretty solid, if a bit stereotyped, but there are really too many questions left dangling.
The dialogue between T and NMM feels pretty solid, if a bit stereotyped, but there are really too many questions left dangling.
I may be in the minority here, as I actually liked the format and the length of the story.
Considering the constraints of mini-fics, I personally think that falling back to FIM episodes for context and writing single scenes expanding or playing with what we know is a valid tactic. It's also a risky one, because it's easy, among the deluge of stories, to miss the detail that puts everything in place. In this case, I'm pretty sure this is NMM from the Season 5 finale who followed Twilight after she disappeared from that timeline in front of her. This gives us context, but it requires to connect the sentence about RD and Rarity with that episode. Missing that, it all falls a bit apart and you'll lose your readers.
The ending needs a bit tightening, IMHO, and I think you should keep Luna from entering the scene until the second to last paragraph. I liked the horror-like conclusion was a nice touch and elevated the whole fic for me.
That said, the prose is solid, the Lines about the Friendship Dungeon are splendid and dialog flowed quite well. A bit of polishing and you have something very interesting here.
Thank you for the submission.
Considering the constraints of mini-fics, I personally think that falling back to FIM episodes for context and writing single scenes expanding or playing with what we know is a valid tactic. It's also a risky one, because it's easy, among the deluge of stories, to miss the detail that puts everything in place. In this case, I'm pretty sure this is NMM from the Season 5 finale who followed Twilight after she disappeared from that timeline in front of her. This gives us context, but it requires to connect the sentence about RD and Rarity with that episode. Missing that, it all falls a bit apart and you'll lose your readers.
The ending needs a bit tightening, IMHO, and I think you should keep Luna from entering the scene until the second to last paragraph. I liked the horror-like conclusion was a nice touch and elevated the whole fic for me.
That said, the prose is solid, the Lines about the Friendship Dungeon are splendid and dialog flowed quite well. A bit of polishing and you have something very interesting here.
Thank you for the submission.
I'll side with >>Orbiting_kettle and thus, enlarge the minority.
Since I know the season 5 finale quite well, I immediately understood what was the setting and where NMM was coming from. As for the rest of the story, you have both a complete arc (even if it's a bit tedious), and an opening for something bigger.
You know, having a minific that doesn't fully resolve the stakes but instead gives some hints to a possible sequel isn't a bad idea in itself. The challenge is to be able to balance the resolution and the opening.
If the resolution is bigger than your opening, the latter feels like a cheap way to impress your reader.
If it's the other way, the story feels pointless.
As for this story, the balance is, well, balanced for me. So good job for that.
Once again, see >>Orbiting_kettle for the rest.
Thank you for sharing, hope you'll expand it a bit.
Since I know the season 5 finale quite well, I immediately understood what was the setting and where NMM was coming from. As for the rest of the story, you have both a complete arc (even if it's a bit tedious), and an opening for something bigger.
You know, having a minific that doesn't fully resolve the stakes but instead gives some hints to a possible sequel isn't a bad idea in itself. The challenge is to be able to balance the resolution and the opening.
If the resolution is bigger than your opening, the latter feels like a cheap way to impress your reader.
If it's the other way, the story feels pointless.
As for this story, the balance is, well, balanced for me. So good job for that.
Once again, see >>Orbiting_kettle for the rest.
Thank you for sharing, hope you'll expand it a bit.
Oho, we have Season 5 Finale NightmareVerse Nightmare Moon locked in a cell and trying to be reformed? Well, anything involving the NightmareVerse is pretty much My Jam (TM), and this stands up super well besides. Is it a complete story? ...Kinda. The background exposition doesn't wear out its welcome, and the bit at the end really does point towards a resolution even if it doesn't go all the way to showing us it.
Pity this isn't on my slate...
Pity this isn't on my slate...