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Normal Here
"You wanted to see me, Principal Celestia?"
Celestia looked up from her desk to find a mildly anxious Sunset Shimmer. "Yes. Please, sit down." She gestured.
The words jumping out of her, "It isn't about anything... different, is it?" She put that special emphasis on their code-word for all things magical--different.
"Not in that way. I called you in because, of all my students at Canterlot High, you are the only one who has not applied for the pre-collegiate examination. Might I ask why?"
Sunset blinked, surprised by the question. She canted her head and shrugged. "Different?"
Celestia didn't hesitate for a moment. "I'm sure that matter can be handled. You'd be surprised the number of, ah, unexplained people in the world." She caught her eyes from narrowing defensively at the thought of some of those individuals.
"That's..." Sunset took a bracing breath. "That's a little surprising, I admit, but that's not all I meant." After a moment with Celestia waiting patiently, she continued, hands fidgeting with her skirt. "I mean, for the four years I've been here, my entire life has been centered on controlling others in petty power displays, learning the basics of friendship, motorcycle repair, and music. I guess I've just been thinking, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?"
Celestia chuckled. "Have you considered pursuing friendship, motor repair, or music?"
A matching chuckle came from deep within Sunset, shaking free some of her nervous tension. Half-joking, "That's a thing I can do?"
"Automotive repair is a major industry, with high demand. Entire technical schools are centered on its instruction. Wages are rarely great, but can support a family."
"Yeah, I don't know..."
"And I shouldn't have to tell you about superstar musicians."
Sunset's face flattened. "The odds of my being a rock star are infinitesimal. I'm mature enough to know better than to aim for that."
Celestia merely shrugged. "You lose all the battles you never fight."
Yielding to temptation, Sunset countered. "Know your enemy and know yourself, and never in a thousand battles will you be defeated."
Celestia laughed, bright and glittering. "Very well done, Sunset. That was most unexpected."
Sunset couldn't tell if Celestia's reaction was honest mirth, surprise, derision, or some combination of the three, but found herself grinning along.
Quickly settling, Celestia continued, "I suggest you re-read his chapter on spies Sunset, and leave it at that. Back to the matter at hand... Is there no way I can convince you to take the placement exam?"
Sunset shrugged, uneasy once again. "You're sure it won't be a problem?"
"I'm certain."
Sunset looked away, chewing on the thought. "I hadn't really thought about... I didn't even ask... talk with..." Abruptly, she looked up at Principal Celestia. "Can I stay with you?"
"What?" For an instant, there was a flash of genuine surprise.
"I'm sorry, that was..." She braced herself. "Yes, I would like to move in with you for a while. You may or may not know, but my living arrangement hasn't been... has been different." She looked down again. "At least, I think."
Said with expertly guised horror, "And you want to move in with me?"
"If, ah, if it's okay with you. All my friends can't exactly take me in, and I thought... It's a thing from where I'm from. But I want to see what normal is like, here."
Celestia vividly recalled the mountain of dishes in the sink, fermenting in the drain. The bath, plaque-yellow from years of neglect. Papers and magazine strewn tempestuously from bookshelf to floor, with thin rivers of carpet visible beneath. The menagerie of liquor bottles holding their own soiree on any available kitchen surface. Her laundry draped everywhere her paperwork was not. The box of unmentionables from when that strapping young Apple man, the other night...
Celestia smiled, and looked straight into Sunset's expectant gaze. "I'll think about it."
Celestia looked up from her desk to find a mildly anxious Sunset Shimmer. "Yes. Please, sit down." She gestured.
The words jumping out of her, "It isn't about anything... different, is it?" She put that special emphasis on their code-word for all things magical--different.
"Not in that way. I called you in because, of all my students at Canterlot High, you are the only one who has not applied for the pre-collegiate examination. Might I ask why?"
Sunset blinked, surprised by the question. She canted her head and shrugged. "Different?"
Celestia didn't hesitate for a moment. "I'm sure that matter can be handled. You'd be surprised the number of, ah, unexplained people in the world." She caught her eyes from narrowing defensively at the thought of some of those individuals.
"That's..." Sunset took a bracing breath. "That's a little surprising, I admit, but that's not all I meant." After a moment with Celestia waiting patiently, she continued, hands fidgeting with her skirt. "I mean, for the four years I've been here, my entire life has been centered on controlling others in petty power displays, learning the basics of friendship, motorcycle repair, and music. I guess I've just been thinking, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?"
Celestia chuckled. "Have you considered pursuing friendship, motor repair, or music?"
A matching chuckle came from deep within Sunset, shaking free some of her nervous tension. Half-joking, "That's a thing I can do?"
"Automotive repair is a major industry, with high demand. Entire technical schools are centered on its instruction. Wages are rarely great, but can support a family."
"Yeah, I don't know..."
"And I shouldn't have to tell you about superstar musicians."
Sunset's face flattened. "The odds of my being a rock star are infinitesimal. I'm mature enough to know better than to aim for that."
Celestia merely shrugged. "You lose all the battles you never fight."
Yielding to temptation, Sunset countered. "Know your enemy and know yourself, and never in a thousand battles will you be defeated."
Celestia laughed, bright and glittering. "Very well done, Sunset. That was most unexpected."
Sunset couldn't tell if Celestia's reaction was honest mirth, surprise, derision, or some combination of the three, but found herself grinning along.
Quickly settling, Celestia continued, "I suggest you re-read his chapter on spies Sunset, and leave it at that. Back to the matter at hand... Is there no way I can convince you to take the placement exam?"
Sunset shrugged, uneasy once again. "You're sure it won't be a problem?"
"I'm certain."
Sunset looked away, chewing on the thought. "I hadn't really thought about... I didn't even ask... talk with..." Abruptly, she looked up at Principal Celestia. "Can I stay with you?"
"What?" For an instant, there was a flash of genuine surprise.
"I'm sorry, that was..." She braced herself. "Yes, I would like to move in with you for a while. You may or may not know, but my living arrangement hasn't been... has been different." She looked down again. "At least, I think."
Said with expertly guised horror, "And you want to move in with me?"
"If, ah, if it's okay with you. All my friends can't exactly take me in, and I thought... It's a thing from where I'm from. But I want to see what normal is like, here."
Celestia vividly recalled the mountain of dishes in the sink, fermenting in the drain. The bath, plaque-yellow from years of neglect. Papers and magazine strewn tempestuously from bookshelf to floor, with thin rivers of carpet visible beneath. The menagerie of liquor bottles holding their own soiree on any available kitchen surface. Her laundry draped everywhere her paperwork was not. The box of unmentionables from when that strapping young Apple man, the other night...
Celestia smiled, and looked straight into Sunset's expectant gaze. "I'll think about it."
I read this. Then I read it again. Then once more, just to be safe.
What exactly is the point?
I hope I don't come off as too mean, but I'm being serious. What are you telling us? Sunset doesn't know what to do with her life, Celestia gives her a few options, Sunset wants to move in with her, Celestia is secretly a slob, then the end comes.
What is the ultimate point of the story? Is there a message? We don't really get closure about Sunset's future. She'll go to college, alright, but she still doesn't know what to do with her life. What will moving in with Celestia accomplish?
This is decently written, I'll give you that. The dialogue feels natural, the pacing is consistent, but it ultimately feels incomplete.
What exactly is the point?
I hope I don't come off as too mean, but I'm being serious. What are you telling us? Sunset doesn't know what to do with her life, Celestia gives her a few options, Sunset wants to move in with her, Celestia is secretly a slob, then the end comes.
What is the ultimate point of the story? Is there a message? We don't really get closure about Sunset's future. She'll go to college, alright, but she still doesn't know what to do with her life. What will moving in with Celestia accomplish?
This is decently written, I'll give you that. The dialogue feels natural, the pacing is consistent, but it ultimately feels incomplete.
I think the heart of the story here is solid, but it ends up being a little too disjointed because of how you bounce between conflicts. As a mini, you have to be focused: is this about Celestia or Sunset and who has a decision to make?
As is, the last bit has minimal impact because we shift this being about Sunset and post graduate studies to Sunset needing a home and Celestial deciding if she can help. For a mini, you need to pick one.
As is, the last bit has minimal impact because we shift this being about Sunset and post graduate studies to Sunset needing a home and Celestial deciding if she can help. For a mini, you need to pick one.
This is an interesting slice of life with some neat ideas. It touches on some important details in the 'what is the rainbow-monkey universe really like' domain, which I appreciate. Unfortunately, I think it teases or opens up more issues than it answers, so I'm still left wondering how things work in that society.
A suggestion for the third paragraph. If you want to say there's emphasis on 'different', don't repeat the word twice. Italicize it the first time, then remove the second instance: the audience will see exactly what you mean. Also remove the ellipses, since the italics will do all the work.
It really sounds like Celestia is the one doing this (from context), in which case you're using third-pony universal mood. (Also, this aside is entirely non-sequitur to the story because it seems to have no affect on Celestia's thought process later on.) The way you're writing the internal bits makes it seem like you're jumping from character to character in a way that will likely be confusing to the reader. I think it would be better if you kept the reader's eyes to a single character's thoughts. To show the other character's(') thoughts, try to show them with body language and speech characteristics. Show is usually better than tell, anyway, and it's something this story (and most stories) could use more of. Even reasonably-showy statements like 'expertly guised horror' are better if you can convince the reader of that conclusion without being so direct.
The plot is very strange. I don't buy it that Sunset's friends couldn't help her, or that she couldn't become a ward of the state or something by now, no matter how different the rainbow-monkey universe is. Principal Celestia goes from shock to acceptance at the drop of a hat, and as a professional, I can't see Celestia being willing to entertain the idea of shacking up with Sunset even if she did like the idea. It's also kind of a bad sign that somepony as wise as I'd assume Celestia to be is considering living with a teenage girl because she needs a maid. That's not exactly the start of a healthy relationship.
Aside: the intransitive version of 'guise' as a verb is common only to Scottish English (I think?), but I don't think it's a problem because your meaning here is clear enough.
A suggestion for the third paragraph. If you want to say there's emphasis on 'different', don't repeat the word twice. Italicize it the first time, then remove the second instance: the audience will see exactly what you mean. Also remove the ellipses, since the italics will do all the work.
She caught her eyes from narrowing defensively at the thought of some of those individuals.
It really sounds like Celestia is the one doing this (from context), in which case you're using third-pony universal mood. (Also, this aside is entirely non-sequitur to the story because it seems to have no affect on Celestia's thought process later on.) The way you're writing the internal bits makes it seem like you're jumping from character to character in a way that will likely be confusing to the reader. I think it would be better if you kept the reader's eyes to a single character's thoughts. To show the other character's(') thoughts, try to show them with body language and speech characteristics. Show is usually better than tell, anyway, and it's something this story (and most stories) could use more of. Even reasonably-showy statements like 'expertly guised horror' are better if you can convince the reader of that conclusion without being so direct.
The plot is very strange. I don't buy it that Sunset's friends couldn't help her, or that she couldn't become a ward of the state or something by now, no matter how different the rainbow-monkey universe is. Principal Celestia goes from shock to acceptance at the drop of a hat, and as a professional, I can't see Celestia being willing to entertain the idea of shacking up with Sunset even if she did like the idea. It's also kind of a bad sign that somepony as wise as I'd assume Celestia to be is considering living with a teenage girl because she needs a maid. That's not exactly the start of a healthy relationship.
Aside: the intransitive version of 'guise' as a verb is common only to Scottish English (I think?), but I don't think it's a problem because your meaning here is clear enough.
Reminds me vaguely of Administrative Angel, but without the tight focus on a single character. It's hard to say who the focus here is, what the meaning of the story is, etc. As an exploration of both characters, it doesn't really leave the reader with much of an impression about either, and it doesn't say anything interesting about their relationship together...
...and am I alone in wondering why Sunset just blurts out a request to shack up with Humanized Sunbutt here?
...and am I alone in wondering why Sunset just blurts out a request to shack up with Humanized Sunbutt here?
Yeah, I feel more than a little lost here too. This feels incomplete. Only 650 words, so... time constraints? Prose reads fine, there's a lot of setup, but no payoff. So, echoing >>Zaid Val'Roa. Thanks for writing!
Thank you, those you read (and especially who commented on) Normal Here. I would like to re-introduce into the record that I implied previously ( >>KwirkyJ ) that this one was a bit rushed. Indeed, I woke up, checked the site, double-checked (because [REDACTED] TBD), brainstormed for five minutes as I woke up, wrote for fifteen or twenty minutes, edited for five, submitted, posted my notice, and made the jump into hyperspace. And two of you thought this a good thing, I guess?
Right. My story. To be honest, I'm not entirely certain what the goal if it is, either, which is part of the point. If feeling generous, I might argue that it is about choosing and pursuing one's destiny, and accepting uncertainty or lack of perfection, unexpected responsibilities (or a dichotomy of different aspects of living), &c., &c. As to why Sunset wants to move in with Celestia, I posit that she still views this Celestia as a role model figure, and wants to have some ground of familiarity as she moves into a new stage of life. I intentionally elided why her friends cannot, only partly due to time and space. I respect that I should have focused solely on one character, but lacked the resources to narrow the focus.
The title, "Normal Here" might serve as a primary clue: normalcy is what one makes of it?
...I'm a wordsmith, not a writer.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
All valid points. It's because I'm not great.
>>AndrewRogue
First assertion, I concur. Second, however, I question, as the story attempts to frame Sunset's future as a whole.
>>Posh
Thanks for your thoughts. Your question is unique, and I have attempted to suggest an answer above.
>>Ranmilia
Time and other limitations, yes.
>>Trick_Question
Oh. It's you.How have you been? I've been really busy, being dead. Because you murdered me. And we both said a lot of things that you're going to regret later. But I think we can put our differences behind us. For science? You monster.
Right. My story. To be honest, I'm not entirely certain what the goal if it is, either, which is part of the point. If feeling generous, I might argue that it is about choosing and pursuing one's destiny, and accepting uncertainty or lack of perfection, unexpected responsibilities (or a dichotomy of different aspects of living), &c., &c. As to why Sunset wants to move in with Celestia, I posit that she still views this Celestia as a role model figure, and wants to have some ground of familiarity as she moves into a new stage of life. I intentionally elided why her friends cannot, only partly due to time and space. I respect that I should have focused solely on one character, but lacked the resources to narrow the focus.
The title, "Normal Here" might serve as a primary clue: normalcy is what one makes of it?
...I'm a wordsmith, not a writer.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
All valid points. It's because I'm not great.
>>AndrewRogue
First assertion, I concur. Second, however, I question, as the story attempts to frame Sunset's future as a whole.
>>Posh
Thanks for your thoughts. Your question is unique, and I have attempted to suggest an answer above.
>>Ranmilia
Time and other limitations, yes.
>>Trick_Question
Oh. It's you.
A suggestion for the third paragraphI respectfully decline.
in which case you're using third-pony universal moodThird-person omniscient, being very judicious about the details. As in a previous entry of mine you are again imposing stylistic preference under the guise of something more authoritative. Further, I was very careful about separating whose actions were in which sections—while I could well replace all pronouns to eradicate all possible potential confusion (except maybe for the dyslexic or sight-impaired), that solution is unacceptable. I have been gentle in my prose, and kindly ask my reader to give just a little to keep up.
Principal Celestia goes from shock to acceptance at the drop of a hatDoes she? Does she, really?
I can't see Celestia being willing to entertain the idea of shacking up with Sunset even if she did like the idea.This, you are entitled to.
I'd assume Celestia to be is considering living with a teenage girl because she needs a maid. That's not exactly the start of a healthy relationship.You're right, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. However, perhaps her decision has some connection with the rest of the story, with her pushing Sunset to work towards a productive, happy, professional life? (However, Celestia's own personal and professional lives do present a contradiction, or at least dichotomy, so...)
[T]he intransitive version of 'guise' as a verb is common only to Scottish English (I think?), but I don't think it's a problem because your meaning here is clear enough.There is no recognized verb form of 'guise', from what cursory research I have done. I deliberately (ab)used it for effect, and, as my meaning is clear, I have succeeded.
>>KwirkyJ
I'm super bad at conveying my feelings in critique, they always seem exaggerated and self-centered.
I can't avoid commenting on your stories if I don't know who you are. :fluttershysad: I am very sorry.
I'm super bad at conveying my feelings in critique, they always seem exaggerated and self-centered.
I can't avoid commenting on your stories if I don't know who you are. :fluttershysad: I am very sorry.