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Cheap Easy Portalfare
Somewhere in all the infinite realities the advertisements had promised Luke, there had to be one out there where this beer tasted good.
A burly traveler wearing a horrifying Hawaiian shirt stumbled out of the arrivals gate and sat down in the seat next to Luke, nearly spilling his beer.
The traveler motioned the bartender over and leaned over to Luke. “Excuse me,” he said, “what’s the best beer in this universe?”
The bartender rolled his eyes and reached for a stack of fancy plastic cups.
Luke crumpled his old cup impatiently. The traveler saw this and patted him on the shoulder. “Nervous about the trip?”
“Just anxious for it to be over,” Luke replied.
“Don’t be. All those conspiracy theorists are fulla garbage. It’s perfectly safe. I actually checked out their website one time, and those freaks actually believe the portal vaporizes you when you walk through.” He nodded to the bartender and grabbed his drink. “They’re the ones who are afraid.”
“How many other worlds have you been to?” Luke asked.
“How many realities,” the traveler corrected him. “This is my fourteenth. I wish they gave out frequent flyer miles!” He let out a big laugh. “Then again, all the portal companies are running off the airline model. What can you do?”
Luke nodded. “The ads make it look nice.”
“They do, don’t they. Problem is, all those nice ads target weak people. The ones who just got dumped or don’t fit in at their job. It’s malicious. I do this for fun, but imagine some poor sap stepping through that portal and then finding it’s even worse on the other side. It’s not like you can go back.” He shook his head and laughed again, that irritating guttural laugh that made Luke wish the portal had vaporized him after all. “That’s not why you’re here at the bar, is it? Traveler’s remorse?”
Luke shook his head. “With any luck I’ll be leaving soon.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home, hopefully.”
Luke felt the man’s hand on his shoulder again, something that was probably supposed to feel reassuring but in this context just felt weird. “That’s great. Really nice.”
The traveler finished his beer in a weird silence, but perked right up as soon as he was done. “Well, nice chatting. I’m gonna tear this reality inside out--no offense if it’s yours.”
Luke watched him stumble away with that same lope all travelers seemed to suffer from after a few too many trips through the portals. Headfirst and stilted, like they were still flying through time and space.
Luke went back to his beer and started at the arrivals gate.
If there were an infinite number of parallel universes, and an infinite number of earths, and an infinite number of earths that hadn’t been killed off by the million close calls that no one ever seemed to account for until they started turning into realities somewhere else--in all those realities, there had to be one where there was a girl looking for him. One where he had been killed off somehow. One where she couldn’t take it without him.
And, statistically speaking, there had to be at least one world where that girl could buy a one-way ticket to any infinite reality she wanted. One where she had the courage to come to him. One where he didn’t have to give up everything just to be happy. Was that too much to ask? To be happy without struggle? To find a place in a world, even if it was this one--especially if it was this one?
The arrivals gate opened. A few dazed travelers stumbled out. They teetered around in the holding pen for a minute until everyone was good to go, then security let them go. Amazing, the long arm of the TSA.
Luke watched them file past one by one. Once they were all gone, he looked at his watch and ordered another beer. It came in a fancy plastic cup.
A burly traveler wearing a horrifying Hawaiian shirt stumbled out of the arrivals line and sat down in the seat next to Luke, nearly spilling his beer.
The traveler motioned the bartender over and leaned over to Luke. “Excuse me,” he said, “what’s the best beer in this universe?”
The bartender rolled his eyes and reached for another fancy plastic cup. Outside the bar, TSA announcements filtered from ceiling speakers in a static hush.
A burly traveler wearing a horrifying Hawaiian shirt stumbled out of the arrivals gate and sat down in the seat next to Luke, nearly spilling his beer.
The traveler motioned the bartender over and leaned over to Luke. “Excuse me,” he said, “what’s the best beer in this universe?”
The bartender rolled his eyes and reached for a stack of fancy plastic cups.
Luke crumpled his old cup impatiently. The traveler saw this and patted him on the shoulder. “Nervous about the trip?”
“Just anxious for it to be over,” Luke replied.
“Don’t be. All those conspiracy theorists are fulla garbage. It’s perfectly safe. I actually checked out their website one time, and those freaks actually believe the portal vaporizes you when you walk through.” He nodded to the bartender and grabbed his drink. “They’re the ones who are afraid.”
“How many other worlds have you been to?” Luke asked.
“How many realities,” the traveler corrected him. “This is my fourteenth. I wish they gave out frequent flyer miles!” He let out a big laugh. “Then again, all the portal companies are running off the airline model. What can you do?”
Luke nodded. “The ads make it look nice.”
“They do, don’t they. Problem is, all those nice ads target weak people. The ones who just got dumped or don’t fit in at their job. It’s malicious. I do this for fun, but imagine some poor sap stepping through that portal and then finding it’s even worse on the other side. It’s not like you can go back.” He shook his head and laughed again, that irritating guttural laugh that made Luke wish the portal had vaporized him after all. “That’s not why you’re here at the bar, is it? Traveler’s remorse?”
Luke shook his head. “With any luck I’ll be leaving soon.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home, hopefully.”
Luke felt the man’s hand on his shoulder again, something that was probably supposed to feel reassuring but in this context just felt weird. “That’s great. Really nice.”
The traveler finished his beer in a weird silence, but perked right up as soon as he was done. “Well, nice chatting. I’m gonna tear this reality inside out--no offense if it’s yours.”
Luke watched him stumble away with that same lope all travelers seemed to suffer from after a few too many trips through the portals. Headfirst and stilted, like they were still flying through time and space.
Luke went back to his beer and started at the arrivals gate.
If there were an infinite number of parallel universes, and an infinite number of earths, and an infinite number of earths that hadn’t been killed off by the million close calls that no one ever seemed to account for until they started turning into realities somewhere else--in all those realities, there had to be one where there was a girl looking for him. One where he had been killed off somehow. One where she couldn’t take it without him.
And, statistically speaking, there had to be at least one world where that girl could buy a one-way ticket to any infinite reality she wanted. One where she had the courage to come to him. One where he didn’t have to give up everything just to be happy. Was that too much to ask? To be happy without struggle? To find a place in a world, even if it was this one--especially if it was this one?
The arrivals gate opened. A few dazed travelers stumbled out. They teetered around in the holding pen for a minute until everyone was good to go, then security let them go. Amazing, the long arm of the TSA.
Luke watched them file past one by one. Once they were all gone, he looked at his watch and ordered another beer. It came in a fancy plastic cup.
A burly traveler wearing a horrifying Hawaiian shirt stumbled out of the arrivals line and sat down in the seat next to Luke, nearly spilling his beer.
The traveler motioned the bartender over and leaned over to Luke. “Excuse me,” he said, “what’s the best beer in this universe?”
The bartender rolled his eyes and reached for another fancy plastic cup. Outside the bar, TSA announcements filtered from ceiling speakers in a static hush.
I'm calling this one for Dubs_Rewatcher just because it's the last piece without a review.
>inb4 Luke gets there and discovers the thousands upon thousands of alternate Lukes with the same idea
I like the core idea here — especially the ending, which thematically and tonally sells it, and very neatly bookends the opening. That's definitely the strongest part of your work, and strong endings are hard to do in Writeoff-land. Good job!
What's holding this back right now, unfortunately, is confusing prose. For example, take your opening:
1) Whose beer? This clause is very ambiguous as to whether the traveler arrived with beer or whether the act of sitting somehow affected Luke's (hypothetical) cup. (The first paragraph doesn't actually establish that he's actively drinking, just implies it.)
2) Who is the traveler talking to? This sentence has him equally engaging them both. Or, wait. Is the implication of the sentence that the traveler is focusing on just one individual even though two different names are used, and Luke is the bartender?
3) I am still so disoriented from #2 that I'm not sure whether this is Luke or not. But from the fact that the bartender is reacting, it seems clear that the bartender is the target of the previous question, whether or not the bartender = Luke.
There are two opposite readings of this section — Luke is the bartender; and Luke is a third party to this conversation — both of which seem problematic but equally plausible. If the latter, I don't understand why he's being leaned in to. If the former, I don't understand why Luke's seated in a chair.
There are several sections like that, where the prose seems to contradict or repeat what you're already implying:
Well … yes? They are? You just spent a paragraph establishing that; I'm not sure what you're implying by telling us outright.
Um … if they're explicitly running off the airline model, why aren't they giving out frequent traveler miles?
(two paragraphs later:)
…So is it possible to return to your point of origin or not?
The good news is that all of this disorientation will be very easy to clear up in editing. The bad news is that, as it currently stands, most of the story is a giant muddle of conflicting facts and descriptions. Get all that straightened out and your strong ending will carry this pretty far.
Tier: Almost There
And, statistically speaking, there had to be at least one world where that girl could buy a one-way ticket to any infinite reality she wanted. One where she had the courage to come to him.
>inb4 Luke gets there and discovers the thousands upon thousands of alternate Lukes with the same idea
I like the core idea here — especially the ending, which thematically and tonally sells it, and very neatly bookends the opening. That's definitely the strongest part of your work, and strong endings are hard to do in Writeoff-land. Good job!
What's holding this back right now, unfortunately, is confusing prose. For example, take your opening:
Somewhere in all the infinite realities the advertisements had promised Luke, there had to be one out there where this beer tasted good.
A burly traveler wearing a horrifying Hawaiian shirt stumbled out of the arrivals gate and sat down in the seat next to Luke, nearly spilling his [1] beer.
The traveler motioned the bartender over and leaned over to Luke. [2] “Excuse me,” he said, “what’s the best beer in this universe?”
The bartender rolled his eyes [3] and reached for a stack of fancy plastic cups.
1) Whose beer? This clause is very ambiguous as to whether the traveler arrived with beer or whether the act of sitting somehow affected Luke's (hypothetical) cup. (The first paragraph doesn't actually establish that he's actively drinking, just implies it.)
2) Who is the traveler talking to? This sentence has him equally engaging them both. Or, wait. Is the implication of the sentence that the traveler is focusing on just one individual even though two different names are used, and Luke is the bartender?
3) I am still so disoriented from #2 that I'm not sure whether this is Luke or not. But from the fact that the bartender is reacting, it seems clear that the bartender is the target of the previous question, whether or not the bartender = Luke.
There are two opposite readings of this section — Luke is the bartender; and Luke is a third party to this conversation — both of which seem problematic but equally plausible. If the latter, I don't understand why he's being leaned in to. If the former, I don't understand why Luke's seated in a chair.
There are several sections like that, where the prose seems to contradict or repeat what you're already implying:
“Don’t be. All those conspiracy theorists are fulla garbage. It’s perfectly safe. I actually checked out their website one time, and those freaks actually believe the portal vaporizes you when you walk through.” He nodded to the bartender and grabbed his drink. “They’re the ones who are afraid.”
Well … yes? They are? You just spent a paragraph establishing that; I'm not sure what you're implying by telling us outright.
“How many realities,” the traveler corrected him. “This is my fourteenth. I wish they gave out frequent flyer miles!” He let out a big laugh. “Then again, all the portal companies are running off the airline model. What can you do?”
Um … if they're explicitly running off the airline model, why aren't they giving out frequent traveler miles?
"It’s not like you can go back.”
(two paragraphs later:)
“Where are you going?”
“Home, hopefully.”
…So is it possible to return to your point of origin or not?
The good news is that all of this disorientation will be very easy to clear up in editing. The bad news is that, as it currently stands, most of the story is a giant muddle of conflicting facts and descriptions. Get all that straightened out and your strong ending will carry this pretty far.
Tier: Almost There
"It’s not like you can go back." Why not? I need an explanation for this to make sense given the fact you can apparently portal over and over. Like, maybe the worlds you travel to are always random. It's especially confusing because how do they actually know it takes you to another world if they can't ever go back? I guess from the travellers who start showing up once you build the first portal...?
The protagonist's logic is too ridiculous for me to take without Anderson-Cooper-level eye-rolling. He has no chance of finding what he's looking for, period. Plus, if the woman desperately wanted to see the version of him who left her, yet had the ability to go to any universe she wants... Derp. :derpytongue2:
The protagonist's logic is too ridiculous for me to take without Anderson-Cooper-level eye-rolling. He has no chance of finding what he's looking for, period. Plus, if the woman desperately wanted to see the version of him who left her, yet had the ability to go to any universe she wants... Derp. :derpytongue2:
See >>horizon for some good technical advice.
Beyond that, I have a broader issue with the story structure. Basically, with a minific, I kinda feel you have to get to the meat of the story fast. Here, the meat is held to the back half, where it isn't really a twist or even really a recontextualization of anything. It just sort of thuds into place with "oh, by the by, tragic background!" The idea is neat and a good one, but I just don't think, as structured, it really delivers the full punch of its potential.
It is also worth noting that this story kinda unfortunately raises awkward questions if you think about it. In much the way that you have expectations of how a time travel story should loop back into itself because of the nature of time travel, raising the specter of infinity raises the question of, well, why hasn't she shown up? Because in the nature of infinity (as commonly understood as such), there should definitely be another one and she should be there. Similarly, as pointed out by Horizon, there should be tons of him as well. I think you need to narrow things down redefine them a bit to avoid those questions.
Beyond that, I have a broader issue with the story structure. Basically, with a minific, I kinda feel you have to get to the meat of the story fast. Here, the meat is held to the back half, where it isn't really a twist or even really a recontextualization of anything. It just sort of thuds into place with "oh, by the by, tragic background!" The idea is neat and a good one, but I just don't think, as structured, it really delivers the full punch of its potential.
It is also worth noting that this story kinda unfortunately raises awkward questions if you think about it. In much the way that you have expectations of how a time travel story should loop back into itself because of the nature of time travel, raising the specter of infinity raises the question of, well, why hasn't she shown up? Because in the nature of infinity (as commonly understood as such), there should definitely be another one and she should be there. Similarly, as pointed out by Horizon, there should be tons of him as well. I think you need to narrow things down redefine them a bit to avoid those questions.
I hate to be unhelpful, but honestly, I agree with what pretty much everyone here has already said.
I'd also like to add, however, that I'm not a fan of Luke's personality... whatever it might be. He's so static and passive here, I really don't get any idea what he's like. The only thing he does here is angst about finding a girlfriend who's desperate to love him—a wish that reads, to me, as more creepy than endearing. He doesn't care about the girl being happy. He wants her to be sad, distressed, traumatized by his death. Luke has some entitlement issues.
I'd also like to add, however, that I'm not a fan of Luke's personality... whatever it might be. He's so static and passive here, I really don't get any idea what he's like. The only thing he does here is angst about finding a girlfriend who's desperate to love him—a wish that reads, to me, as more creepy than endearing. He doesn't care about the girl being happy. He wants her to be sad, distressed, traumatized by his death. Luke has some entitlement issues.
Yeah... every single thing I wanted to say has been covered by the other comments, so I'll just second them all, particularly horizon on technical issues and AndrewRogue and Dubs on the protagonist and sudden backstory. The piece works all right in the swing of reading it, but isn't terribly engaging except for the emotional thrust, and the setting falls apart on examination.
Looking like another victim of time limits to me. I can see the core of what the author wanted, but it needs some more background work and a fair bit of editing to get there. Completing an entry with a decent skeleton is still pretty good work though - thanks for writing!
Looking like another victim of time limits to me. I can see the core of what the author wanted, but it needs some more background work and a fair bit of editing to get there. Completing an entry with a decent skeleton is still pretty good work though - thanks for writing!
Well the impression I get, besides the reasoning about infinite parallel universes leading to certainty, is that Luke has given up somehow, and he stands there waiting for a miracle to happen, but instead the die rolls away to the same side. So the guy with the tacky Hawaiian T-Shirt always appears then disappears.
What is Luke exactly waiting for? I mean, he has a ticket and waits to be called? He has no ticket and just comes over here to witness the way the thing goes? That's unclear.
The idea potentially is a good one, it's a bit of a bummer the execution does not serve it fully.
What is Luke exactly waiting for? I mean, he has a ticket and waits to be called? He has no ticket and just comes over here to witness the way the thing goes? That's unclear.
The idea potentially is a good one, it's a bit of a bummer the execution does not serve it fully.
It's an interesting idea, dimensional traveling ports. However, as many others have said, the execution felt a bit too simplistic and predictable. I wouldn't have minded that much if it the story hadn't spent so much build-up on it. This just needs a little bit of tinkering for it to really work.
5/10, going out for a drink with myself
5/10, going out for a drink with myself
>>horizon
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Ranmilia
>>Monokeras
>>libertydude
Thank you all so much for such a wealth of critique! I'm absolutely blown away by all the wonderful feedback you've been kind enough to leave.
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Ranmilia
>>Monokeras
>>libertydude
Thank you all so much for such a wealth of critique! I'm absolutely blown away by all the wonderful feedback you've been kind enough to leave.