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A Bureaucratic Welcome
Immigration Form 184b-sigma
Immigration from Parallel Universe
Family Name: Gordon______
First name: Jack______________
Middle name(s): ______________
M/F
Date of Birth: 08/09/1976
Place of Birth: University of Illinois Hospital
Universe of Birth: #14069-beta
Nationality: American Citizen
Occupation: Journalist
Ah, so you’re coming here to bring scoops from another world, I take it?
I just want to get out of there, that’s all. This world seems better. Kinder. Besides, my wife moved here a few months back—I just had to stay to sort out the last few issues I had at work.
I see, sir. No worries. I’ll leave you to the form.
Thanks.
Purpose of visit:
□ Tourism
□ Business
□ Diplomatic
□ Other (please state):
Finding family, looking for work_____
Address: ___________________
I don’t know my address?
Excuse me, sir?
I don’t know my address. My wife’s supposed to be meeting me at the ‘verseport, and taking me to where we’re going. That’s all I know.
We do need an official place of residence for you before we can process your immigration request.
Well, I don’t know it! If you can get my wife up here she can give you an address. Can you use the intercom or something?
I’m sorry, sir, but we are unable to call people back into this part of the ‘verseport. If you like, you can put down a temporary address and I’ll give you the forms to file for a change of address as soon as you know where you’re going?
That’s… very helpful. Thank you.
You will need to provide a temporary address, though. Perhaps your home from your previous universe?
…
Sir?
Yeah. Fine. Whatever.
Is this your first trip to universe #196? Y/N
Are you travelling in a group?Y/N
Do you have a sentience permit? Y/N
What’s a sentience permit?
It’s just some official documentation granting the rights of sentience. You should have received one when you were preparing to board your flight?
Never saw anything called a sentience permit before. Nobody gave me anything called that.
Very well. If you’ll excuse me a moment, I need to speak with my supervisor.
… of course. No problem.
I’m sure everything will be sorted out, sir. Worst comes to worst, we send you home so that the correct paperwork for your sentience permit can be sorted out.
Y’know, my wife never said anything about a sentience permit, either. And she was talking through all the forms she was doing. I’d’ve remembered something like that.
… if you’ll excuse me one minute, sir. We’ll have everything sorted out as soon as we can.
Welp.
Is that the bureau responsible for reincarnations? That would make sense, in a way, as well as a pun on “form”.
I’m left wondering.
And that leaves me a bit unsatisfied. There’s something lacking here.
Is that the bureau responsible for reincarnations? That would make sense, in a way, as well as a pun on “form”.
I’m left wondering.
And that leaves me a bit unsatisfied. There’s something lacking here.
SIMPSONS DID IT.
https://writeoff.me/fic/3702-Welcome-to-Equestria
Oh wait that entry is gone.
Okay well take my word for it this sort of story has been done before. This is slightly different, but borrows from the same general idea.
https://writeoff.me/fic/3702-Welcome-to-Equestria
Oh wait that entry is gone.
Okay well take my word for it this sort of story has been done before. This is slightly different, but borrows from the same general idea.
I'd feel much more satisfied with the story if the first line had been:
And then we got the bureaucratic noodling, along with some explanation of just what this crazy thing is and why it was instituted, and why they would require one for a being already known to be capable of filling out a form.
As it stands, a lot of this story feels like filler to me, and there's not much room for filler in minifics.
“A Sapience permit?” Jack blurted. “What the hell is that?”
And then we got the bureaucratic noodling, along with some explanation of just what this crazy thing is and why it was instituted, and why they would require one for a being already known to be capable of filling out a form.
As it stands, a lot of this story feels like filler to me, and there's not much room for filler in minifics.
Well that... ended really abruptly. Like, I was legitimately surprised there was not another line.
Anyhow, while I'm not convinced >>Monokeras right, I think that is actually a pretty fantastic tack for the story to take. If it is your plan, props, though I think you need to clean it up a little bit to get there. If not, consider using it!
Otherwise, like >>Cassius, I need to reference which I think did the concept better. Basically, your version is too understated to the point that you somewhat accurate recreate the mundanity of filling out forms. Like the little jokes and such are cute, but they aren't really worth more than a smile to me. Basically, this story really lacks anything I would consider meat. It isn't laugh out loud funny, but the actual narrative isn't super compelling either. You need to give something to latch onto and really connect with!
Anyhow, while I'm not convinced >>Monokeras right, I think that is actually a pretty fantastic tack for the story to take. If it is your plan, props, though I think you need to clean it up a little bit to get there. If not, consider using it!
Otherwise, like >>Cassius, I need to reference which I think did the concept better. Basically, your version is too understated to the point that you somewhat accurate recreate the mundanity of filling out forms. Like the little jokes and such are cute, but they aren't really worth more than a smile to me. Basically, this story really lacks anything I would consider meat. It isn't laugh out loud funny, but the actual narrative isn't super compelling either. You need to give something to latch onto and really connect with!
So... is this extremely understated comedy, or is there a serious story going on in the background with the wife, or what? Whatever angle it's shooting for, it's not obvious, doesn't seem to achieve a particular goal and ends very abruptly. Perhaps an experiment in form? (I'm not sorry)
(You're not sorry either, are you? I caught those numbers. You know what you did. ;) )
Sadly not a lot to say beyond that. Only 432 words, too... time pressure? Yeah, I'm going to guess time pressure cut off whatever this was really supposed to be and the author wound up just submitting what they had done. Seems to have happened to a couple of entries this round. Rough, but that's how it goes in minis sometimes. Thanks for writing, anyhow - what is here seems fine, the formatting worked well and I was interested in finding out what the story was going to be.
(You're not sorry either, are you? I caught those numbers. You know what you did. ;) )
Sadly not a lot to say beyond that. Only 432 words, too... time pressure? Yeah, I'm going to guess time pressure cut off whatever this was really supposed to be and the author wound up just submitting what they had done. Seems to have happened to a couple of entries this round. Rough, but that's how it goes in minis sometimes. Thanks for writing, anyhow - what is here seems fine, the formatting worked well and I was interested in finding out what the story was going to be.
I kinda like this one actually. even though I wrote the previous one everyone's comparing it to... in my mind it's so different in aim that they're only similar on the surface.
(Welcome to Equestria was more about the possibility space of all these potential characters created by the form, which collapses into the same stupid ending no matter what. too bad I didn't save that idea for this round)
at least I give it points for standing out from the current round with its concept. the excitement and wonder of travelling to parallel universes gets completely cancelled out by the mind-numbing paperwork and waiting. it's not a pleasant emotion, but it is one that's expressed. I can tell this story is about something.
I think I'd enjoy it more if it set up some contrast. it needs some excitement -- no not like that! just a little! a tiny ember of excitement that gets smothered by the monotony of bureaucracy. the tone of disappointment will be communicated more clearly, rather than just having the entire canvas be grey and gloomy.
(Welcome to Equestria was more about the possibility space of all these potential characters created by the form, which collapses into the same stupid ending no matter what. too bad I didn't save that idea for this round)
at least I give it points for standing out from the current round with its concept. the excitement and wonder of travelling to parallel universes gets completely cancelled out by the mind-numbing paperwork and waiting. it's not a pleasant emotion, but it is one that's expressed. I can tell this story is about something.
I think I'd enjoy it more if it set up some contrast. it needs some excitement -- no not like that! just a little! a tiny ember of excitement that gets smothered by the monotony of bureaucracy. the tone of disappointment will be communicated more clearly, rather than just having the entire canvas be grey and gloomy.
I'm afraid I don't really understand what you're going for, here. The premise (and title) kind of style this piece as a comedy about bureaucracy gone wild, but honestly, the questions on the form actually seem pretty darn reasonable to me, as does the immigration officer's responses to the MC's questions. The only thing that seemed interesting enough to warrant some exploration was the whole "sentience license" bit, which naturally made me wonder what they do to people who don't have one. But unless I'm missing something huge, the story treats this potential conflict perfectly reasonably as well, before it quickly ends. I feel like I've just watched some guy's day at the office. I mean, I guess the point of the story could be that inter-dimensional travel will also have to deal with boring customs work, but that's just an idea. I don't feel like that could be a story in and of itself.
On the one hand, I like what's going on here. The idea of the interdimensional bureaucracy dooming a man is a universal theme (pun unintended), and I like that the bureaucrat remains undescribed. It gives the story an extra sense of unease.
However, I also think the story itself is a bit too flimsy. Other than being a bit flippant and having wife troubles, the main character doesn't come across as all that interesting. I also think that the "sentience form" explanation makes no sense. If this guy had traveled between dimensions before, wouldn't he know about such forms already? Unless they're a new implement (which, since the story doesn't specify this, I assume they're not), this conflict shouldn't even exist.
5/10, fill out this paperwork if you want to see a more in-depth review
However, I also think the story itself is a bit too flimsy. Other than being a bit flippant and having wife troubles, the main character doesn't come across as all that interesting. I also think that the "sentience form" explanation makes no sense. If this guy had traveled between dimensions before, wouldn't he know about such forms already? Unless they're a new implement (which, since the story doesn't specify this, I assume they're not), this conflict shouldn't even exist.
5/10, fill out this paperwork if you want to see a more in-depth review