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Roy's Diner, 3 A.M.
"But first, we need to talk about parallel universes."
Oh my god, I thought, he's starting with that? "I hate you so much," I whispered as my head thudded softly against the laminate of the table.
"Are you okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.
I let out a groan, and looked up balefully. "You're picking up the check, right?"
"Sure?"
My hand shot up, waving the waitress over. "Two milkshakes, please."
"One strawberry," he chimed in. I glared.
"Three milkshakes," I clarified. "Two chocolate one strawberry, double cherries on the chocolate, none on the strawberry."
"I like cherries too."
"I know," I said icily.
"Okay, but listen," he said, placing our straw wrappers next to one another on the table. "If you think of all the possibilities in a given moment, there's an ever-expanding multiplicity of outcomes. Not just whether you move to one city or another, or even order a chocolate or strawberry milkshake. What if a tiny speck of dust settles one millimeter to the left? It's not like that matters, sure. But it's not like the universe knows what... matters." He crooked his fingers in air quotes and paused, waiting for some acknowledgment.
"I'm breaking up with you," I offered.
"No, no, not until you hear me out. This is important." He leaned over to the booth behind him to grab another pair of straws. "So you have an infinite number of—well, maybe not infinite but unimaginably large number of parallel universes, right? Only the ones that are closest are indistinguishable. Maybe a single atom millions of light years away has decayed slightly faster and that's the only difference. But since they're parallel there's no way to get from here—" he jabbed at a wrapper "—to there." He laid down another straw next to it.
"Yes. I've taken high school geometry."
"Parallel universes are interesting but even if we were able to shift one planar micron to the side, we'd hardly even notice. So that's why we also need to talk about perpendicular universes." He laid a straw crossing over both of the other two at a right angle.
"Mmhmm." I pulled out my phone, tapping on the app for twitter. "Go ahead, I'm listening."
Twenty minutes and two milkshakes later, I quit cycling through my bookmarks and put my phone back in my pocket. He was winding down, it looked like. Halfway through he had raided a few more booths and now the expanded straw structure at the center of our table included salt shakers balanced on a napkin dispenser and a whole section made of interlocked silverware. He had gotten excited enough to bend a spoon in some tangent on temporal displacement, and I idly wondered whether the diner would make him pay for that or if they just expected patrons at this time of night to have a few screws loose.
"And so that's why I disappeared last night," he concluded.
I slurped loudly at the remains of my second milkshake and waved the waitress over to bring me a glass of water.
"And I got you this." He pushed a small box across the table, almost knocking over the salt shakers in the process.
I raised an eyebrow and cracked the box. Inside was a ring, with a small gem inset that shimmered and glowed in rainbow hues.
"It's like a mood ring. Matches colors with—" I frowned as the rainbow colors drained out, the gem taking on the appearance of glass. "Oh. Maybe it's broken? I can see if—"
"Tell me," I said. "What exactly did you miss last night?"
He grimaced. "Your birthday. I'm so sorry."
I closed my eyes and smiled. "My birthday was last week. Last night was dinner with my parents. But hey, I understand how you got the two mixed up because you missed my birthday too, you incredible dick."
He stared at me, eyes wide as I dumped the ring into his half-full milkshake with a plop.
"I'm so, so sorry. It's just... things get so confusing what with the—"
"The parallel universes, right. Well, I have good news."
His smile returned, dazzling with hope. "Yes?"
"That means that somewhere out there in the innumerable universes there's a version of me that's stupid enough to forgive you." I dumped the glass of water out all over his pile of straw wrappers and stood to leave. "Good luck finding it."
Oh my god, I thought, he's starting with that? "I hate you so much," I whispered as my head thudded softly against the laminate of the table.
"Are you okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.
I let out a groan, and looked up balefully. "You're picking up the check, right?"
"Sure?"
My hand shot up, waving the waitress over. "Two milkshakes, please."
"One strawberry," he chimed in. I glared.
"Three milkshakes," I clarified. "Two chocolate one strawberry, double cherries on the chocolate, none on the strawberry."
"I like cherries too."
"I know," I said icily.
"Okay, but listen," he said, placing our straw wrappers next to one another on the table. "If you think of all the possibilities in a given moment, there's an ever-expanding multiplicity of outcomes. Not just whether you move to one city or another, or even order a chocolate or strawberry milkshake. What if a tiny speck of dust settles one millimeter to the left? It's not like that matters, sure. But it's not like the universe knows what... matters." He crooked his fingers in air quotes and paused, waiting for some acknowledgment.
"I'm breaking up with you," I offered.
"No, no, not until you hear me out. This is important." He leaned over to the booth behind him to grab another pair of straws. "So you have an infinite number of—well, maybe not infinite but unimaginably large number of parallel universes, right? Only the ones that are closest are indistinguishable. Maybe a single atom millions of light years away has decayed slightly faster and that's the only difference. But since they're parallel there's no way to get from here—" he jabbed at a wrapper "—to there." He laid down another straw next to it.
"Yes. I've taken high school geometry."
"Parallel universes are interesting but even if we were able to shift one planar micron to the side, we'd hardly even notice. So that's why we also need to talk about perpendicular universes." He laid a straw crossing over both of the other two at a right angle.
"Mmhmm." I pulled out my phone, tapping on the app for twitter. "Go ahead, I'm listening."
Twenty minutes and two milkshakes later, I quit cycling through my bookmarks and put my phone back in my pocket. He was winding down, it looked like. Halfway through he had raided a few more booths and now the expanded straw structure at the center of our table included salt shakers balanced on a napkin dispenser and a whole section made of interlocked silverware. He had gotten excited enough to bend a spoon in some tangent on temporal displacement, and I idly wondered whether the diner would make him pay for that or if they just expected patrons at this time of night to have a few screws loose.
"And so that's why I disappeared last night," he concluded.
I slurped loudly at the remains of my second milkshake and waved the waitress over to bring me a glass of water.
"And I got you this." He pushed a small box across the table, almost knocking over the salt shakers in the process.
I raised an eyebrow and cracked the box. Inside was a ring, with a small gem inset that shimmered and glowed in rainbow hues.
"It's like a mood ring. Matches colors with—" I frowned as the rainbow colors drained out, the gem taking on the appearance of glass. "Oh. Maybe it's broken? I can see if—"
"Tell me," I said. "What exactly did you miss last night?"
He grimaced. "Your birthday. I'm so sorry."
I closed my eyes and smiled. "My birthday was last week. Last night was dinner with my parents. But hey, I understand how you got the two mixed up because you missed my birthday too, you incredible dick."
He stared at me, eyes wide as I dumped the ring into his half-full milkshake with a plop.
"I'm so, so sorry. It's just... things get so confusing what with the—"
"The parallel universes, right. Well, I have good news."
His smile returned, dazzling with hope. "Yes?"
"That means that somewhere out there in the innumerable universes there's a version of me that's stupid enough to forgive you." I dumped the glass of water out all over his pile of straw wrappers and stood to leave. "Good luck finding it."
I laughed at the poor guy misfortune because I'm a terrible person. This one got me a good chuckle, but I wish 'she' did play more around the parallel universes. Something like
Anyway, a solid comedy that I'll probably rank pretty high.
"That means that somewhere out there in the innumerable universes there's a version of me that's stupid enough to forgive you. There is also one where you'll dodge it. Let's find out which one it is." I dumped the glass of water out all over him and stood to leave. "Seems it's not this one.Good luck finding it."
Anyway, a solid comedy that I'll probably rank pretty high.
While that would be a decent opening line under different circumstances, here it is fairly dull, since it doesn't do anything interesting. It's expected. Well, yeah, we are gonna talk about parallel universes. It's the prompt.
Anyhow, so the big problem here is that the vast majority of the story, while solidly written, is pretty much filler. When it really comes down to it, the story is "person dumps partner." As near as I can tell, this isn't really a decision that arrives during the discussion. It is something forgone. So, again, we basically have decent punchline offset by random multiverse nonsense to get us there. I mean, it's a bad sign when our viewpoint character bails on the largest chunk of the story too! :p
I mean, functionally, if we actually -involved- the idea of parallel universes being the real reason this is happening, we'd have something even funnier and much punchier. As is? It's fine, just not particularly engaging.
Anyhow, so the big problem here is that the vast majority of the story, while solidly written, is pretty much filler. When it really comes down to it, the story is "person dumps partner." As near as I can tell, this isn't really a decision that arrives during the discussion. It is something forgone. So, again, we basically have decent punchline offset by random multiverse nonsense to get us there. I mean, it's a bad sign when our viewpoint character bails on the largest chunk of the story too! :p
I mean, functionally, if we actually -involved- the idea of parallel universes being the real reason this is happening, we'd have something even funnier and much punchier. As is? It's fine, just not particularly engaging.
>>AndrewRogue
I think that's a bit unfair on this one. it's the second line that's meant to grab the reader's attention here. and it doesn't really work without dropping the prompt first.
While that would be a decent opening line under different circumstances, here it is fairly dull, since it doesn't do anything interesting. It's expected. Well, yeah, we are gonna talk about parallel universes. It's the prompt.
I think that's a bit unfair on this one. it's the second line that's meant to grab the reader's attention here. and it doesn't really work without dropping the prompt first.
Hah! Here's another one I like. I agree with >>AndrewRogue that most of the fic is filler, yeah, but at least it's funny filler. The narrator's absolute bluntness, Boyfriend's obliviousness, and all the small asides that the prose takes are great.
That said, the ending is a bit weak... the "you incredible dick" line is definitely the strongest joke in the piece, so the story's punchline right after it just feels like a step down.
Also, I must admit, I'm a bit confused at what Boyfriend is trying to prove here. The existence of parallel/perpendicular universes, yeah, but to what ends? How does that excuse his incredible dickness? Does he believe he's traveling through the parallel universes? Having the narrator tune out is funny, but because of what you decided to cut out, his motivations become obscured.
That said, the ending is a bit weak... the "you incredible dick" line is definitely the strongest joke in the piece, so the story's punchline right after it just feels like a step down.
Also, I must admit, I'm a bit confused at what Boyfriend is trying to prove here. The existence of parallel/perpendicular universes, yeah, but to what ends? How does that excuse his incredible dickness? Does he believe he's traveling through the parallel universes? Having the narrator tune out is funny, but because of what you decided to cut out, his motivations become obscured.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Mainly with these. The prompt is invoked, but not really used. Exactly what the guy's talking about is irrelevant to the story, and while I thought "ooh, ring from another dimension!" on its initial reveal, that turned out not to be the case. So it's just humor, and I'm not much one for embarrassment humor. The story as a story is kinda... questionable.
What's happening here, in this story, right now, is the guy trying very hard to communicate something he's passionate about, and also give the narrator a gift. Seems sweet! But he gets completely shot down and dunked on, because of things he supposedly did that we are told happened at some point in the past. Everything that happened right now, in the piece, doesn't matter at all. It's pretty jarring. On the one hand the story is telling us to sympathize with Narrator Girl and believe Boyfriend Guy is a jerk, but the scene that's actually written makes me sympathize with Boyfriend Guy and think Narrator Girl is a jerk and generally terrible human being. And so the finale falls flat.
(Also, a pervasive aside running through several stories this round: why not name your characters? It's hard to think and talk about entities that don't have labels!)
Some of my personal dislike of embarrassment humor is definitely coming through here. I was on board for the beginning when I thought it was good-natured jawing and not seriously hating the guy, but it turned out otherwise, and for me that's a big dealbreaker in the realm of humor. It was evidently more effective on other people, though, so kudos on meeting that goal.
Humor can be hit or miss like that, though. It's a miss for me, but the prose is solid enough, and a shaky foundation is still pretty far ahead of the curve in having a foundation at all. Thanks for writing, author - I'll probably end up voting this higher than you'll think from reading this comment!
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Mainly with these. The prompt is invoked, but not really used. Exactly what the guy's talking about is irrelevant to the story, and while I thought "ooh, ring from another dimension!" on its initial reveal, that turned out not to be the case. So it's just humor, and I'm not much one for embarrassment humor. The story as a story is kinda... questionable.
What's happening here, in this story, right now, is the guy trying very hard to communicate something he's passionate about, and also give the narrator a gift. Seems sweet! But he gets completely shot down and dunked on, because of things he supposedly did that we are told happened at some point in the past. Everything that happened right now, in the piece, doesn't matter at all. It's pretty jarring. On the one hand the story is telling us to sympathize with Narrator Girl and believe Boyfriend Guy is a jerk, but the scene that's actually written makes me sympathize with Boyfriend Guy and think Narrator Girl is a jerk and generally terrible human being. And so the finale falls flat.
(Also, a pervasive aside running through several stories this round: why not name your characters? It's hard to think and talk about entities that don't have labels!)
Some of my personal dislike of embarrassment humor is definitely coming through here. I was on board for the beginning when I thought it was good-natured jawing and not seriously hating the guy, but it turned out otherwise, and for me that's a big dealbreaker in the realm of humor. It was evidently more effective on other people, though, so kudos on meeting that goal.
Humor can be hit or miss like that, though. It's a miss for me, but the prose is solid enough, and a shaky foundation is still pretty far ahead of the curve in having a foundation at all. Thanks for writing, author - I'll probably end up voting this higher than you'll think from reading this comment!
Hmmm.
I'm going to have to agree with >>AndrewRogue >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>Ranmilia here; there's no real story here. The absurdity of the guy's actions generates humor, to be fair, but outside of that, the story doesn't do much.
Part of the problem is that we start by establishing that this date is going terribly:
...and we finish with the natural conclusion thereto, with no twist, or change, or subversion, or subthread, or progress, other than the mounting stupidity of her date:
There's no arc - the narrator's conclusion merely re-affirms her opening position. I feel as if this could be a good scene as part of a comedy - it is genuinely funny at times - but it lacks the breadth to stand as a comedy in-and-of itself.
I'm going to have to agree with >>AndrewRogue >>Dubs_Rewatcher >>Ranmilia here; there's no real story here. The absurdity of the guy's actions generates humor, to be fair, but outside of that, the story doesn't do much.
Part of the problem is that we start by establishing that this date is going terribly:
"But first, we need to talk about parallel universes."
Oh my god, I thought, he's starting with that? "I hate you so much," I whispered as my head thudded softly against the laminate of the table.
...and we finish with the natural conclusion thereto, with no twist, or change, or subversion, or subthread, or progress, other than the mounting stupidity of her date:
"That means that somewhere out there in the innumerable universes there's a version of me that's stupid enough to forgive you." I dumped the glass of water out all over his pile of straw wrappers and stood to leave. "Good luck finding it."
There's no arc - the narrator's conclusion merely re-affirms her opening position. I feel as if this could be a good scene as part of a comedy - it is genuinely funny at times - but it lacks the breadth to stand as a comedy in-and-of itself.
Eh, I really wasn't feeling it with this one. The idea of being late to your girlfriend's dinner because of alternate universes is amusing, but the story makes the fatal error of telling us this instead of showing it. That's the major problem with stories like this, where one character tells another a wacky story: they need to have interesting enough personalities to keep us invested in them. With this, it's just two stereotypes (the cold girlfriend and the wacky free spirit) talking to each other, with nothing else to keep us interested. It can certainly be done, but I don't think this story succeeded in doing it.
3/10, not enough Oreo milkshakes
3/10, not enough Oreo milkshakes
I get the sense that this story fell victim to the minimal word count requirement. If you had another thousand words or so to expand on the dynamic between characters and the circumstances that go into the boyfriend's alternate universe travels, I'll bet you could make the story feel much more robust than its current state.
That all said, I found it an enjoyable piece that, though it didn't take me to any unexpected places, was still really fun to read!
That all said, I found it an enjoyable piece that, though it didn't take me to any unexpected places, was still really fun to read!
This was very well-written, so much so that it radically limits which author you could be. (I don't know which of those authors would start the story with a title drop, however, unless it's somepony doing it cynically, in which case I have a guess—but I'm not guessing this round.)
Despite the excellent writing, I'm sorry to say that my internal reaction after finishing this was 'meh'. Although the tale is well-told and has interesting dialogue and great visuals, the underlying story behind it isn't very interesting to me (particularly given the nature of the prompt). Not much really happens here, and even in a minific I feel like there should be more plot development. "Breaking up with a scrub" is an old topic and nothing about the characters here gives me reason to feel emotionally invested in what they're doing. I don't really feel like I know who they are or why I should care about their relationship.
Ironically, the most novel part of this story is the explanation being offered, yet it gets completely glossed over the moment it starts getting interesting. This was frustrating.
I don't understand why the narrator bothered to stick around for twenty minutes when she was angry with the man at the beginning of the story and had no intention to listen to him. Would you sit around not paying attention to somepony for twenty minutes, pretending to listen to them, just so you could dump them afterwards? The narrator's reactions don't seem to match their personality.
Were it me, I'd definitely expand the man's defense and provide more detail. Put something in there that makes sense and either leaves some ambiguity in interpretation, or else forces the reader to think a little.
EDIT: I'm confused about the mood ring. Originally I thought the loss of color indicated that it worked rather than being a cheap toy and the protagonist was numb or something, but now I think it's some kind of subtext I totally misinterpreted. The color loss seems a strange detail to leave slightly ambiguous.
Despite the excellent writing, I'm sorry to say that my internal reaction after finishing this was 'meh'. Although the tale is well-told and has interesting dialogue and great visuals, the underlying story behind it isn't very interesting to me (particularly given the nature of the prompt). Not much really happens here, and even in a minific I feel like there should be more plot development. "Breaking up with a scrub" is an old topic and nothing about the characters here gives me reason to feel emotionally invested in what they're doing. I don't really feel like I know who they are or why I should care about their relationship.
Ironically, the most novel part of this story is the explanation being offered, yet it gets completely glossed over the moment it starts getting interesting. This was frustrating.
I don't understand why the narrator bothered to stick around for twenty minutes when she was angry with the man at the beginning of the story and had no intention to listen to him. Would you sit around not paying attention to somepony for twenty minutes, pretending to listen to them, just so you could dump them afterwards? The narrator's reactions don't seem to match their personality.
Were it me, I'd definitely expand the man's defense and provide more detail. Put something in there that makes sense and either leaves some ambiguity in interpretation, or else forces the reader to think a little.
EDIT: I'm confused about the mood ring. Originally I thought the loss of color indicated that it worked rather than being a cheap toy and the protagonist was numb or something, but now I think it's some kind of subtext I totally misinterpreted. The color loss seems a strange detail to leave slightly ambiguous.
It has been suggested by myself and few others in the Discord that there was a huge missed potential to end the story by some sort of alt!universe version of the protagonist swing by at the end and confirm everything the boyfriend had been saying, along with a punchline of the author's choosing.