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Walking With A Goddess
Come with me a while, mortal, let me show you my realm. As you have told me about your history and world, so I feel it my duty to tell you about mine. It will pass the time as I take you to your new home.
You are still not happy to be here. It confuses you, yes?
Ah, you did not believe. Well, here is the proof for you here. The Nine Realms, the World Tree, all of it is real, since time immemorial.
And this...this you can tell is Niflheim before you.
I do not blame you for your mood at hearing the name. I care not for this place myself, but it is not my fate to be anywhere but here. Nor is it yours, I'm sorry to say.
See that damn gate over there, the one so solid and true? It keeps us all here.
Nothing can leave, not you or I, not anyone. And that is the way the others want it.
And the rest of it...my 'lands'. Mist that robs one of heat and life, a sky the color of raw steel, ground that barely ekes out a living for anyone...
Not the fabled halls of Valhalla is this place; I hear the sun shines brightly there and the land is fruitful, not unlike Midgard.
Oh, so you know something of the Realms after all?
Yes, you're right, at least we need not worry about giants here, whether from Muspell or Jotun.
All we have instead is this endless gray-
No, don't touch me! A momentary stumble, I will be fine! My body is not entirely destroyed.
My apologies, but I doubt you wish to contract...I believe your people call it 'leprosy'?
That is why I am here now, isolated from...'decent people'.
It is why many of us are here, when we haven't been sent here for starving to death, or being taken by accident, or any of a thousand things beyond our ken that deny us an 'honorable death'.
Just like you.
You, a warrior of uncounted victories, should have been taken by Odin's valkyries, or perhaps by Freya herself to Folkvangr. You should have been treated to feasting and fighting and...whatever else they do there that I only hear about second- and third-hand. The skalds should have fought each other to write sagas worthy of your adventures.
And yet here you are in this blasted wasteland. Simply because you died in your bed, because the only thing that could kill you was time itself.
You deserve better...but this is what you have been given. Being sent to this leper colony they call Niflheim.
At least we have made something of a 'life' here, such as it is.
You see the halls; stone they may be, not timber, but they suffice to keep out much of the chill. And the fields...they may not have the bounty of Vanaheim, or even your own Midgard, but we have enough men and women of skill to keep ourselves fed.
We do the best with what we have. It is all we can do and it is all I'm afraid you will be able to do.
Ah, here we are. You will be living here from this point on and-
Yes, this is my home, my hall. Do not worry, I personally occupy that wing over there, separate from the others so you need not fear becoming like me. You will live here, with the others warriors who have come to this place.
It is why I brought you here. I would ask that you be one of my einherjar, one of my chosen, an enforcer of my will in this place. Order must be kept here, and I would have the best at my side.
I know it is not much, ruling over what Odin and the others would probably call peasants in some mockery of their halls, but it is the best I can offer you.
You accept?
Are you sure of this? I will not force you.
Good. You have my gratitude, mortal.
I, Hela, mistress of Niflheim, welcome you to this place as one of my own.
You are still not happy to be here. It confuses you, yes?
Ah, you did not believe. Well, here is the proof for you here. The Nine Realms, the World Tree, all of it is real, since time immemorial.
And this...this you can tell is Niflheim before you.
I do not blame you for your mood at hearing the name. I care not for this place myself, but it is not my fate to be anywhere but here. Nor is it yours, I'm sorry to say.
See that damn gate over there, the one so solid and true? It keeps us all here.
Nothing can leave, not you or I, not anyone. And that is the way the others want it.
And the rest of it...my 'lands'. Mist that robs one of heat and life, a sky the color of raw steel, ground that barely ekes out a living for anyone...
Not the fabled halls of Valhalla is this place; I hear the sun shines brightly there and the land is fruitful, not unlike Midgard.
Oh, so you know something of the Realms after all?
Yes, you're right, at least we need not worry about giants here, whether from Muspell or Jotun.
All we have instead is this endless gray-
No, don't touch me! A momentary stumble, I will be fine! My body is not entirely destroyed.
My apologies, but I doubt you wish to contract...I believe your people call it 'leprosy'?
That is why I am here now, isolated from...'decent people'.
It is why many of us are here, when we haven't been sent here for starving to death, or being taken by accident, or any of a thousand things beyond our ken that deny us an 'honorable death'.
Just like you.
You, a warrior of uncounted victories, should have been taken by Odin's valkyries, or perhaps by Freya herself to Folkvangr. You should have been treated to feasting and fighting and...whatever else they do there that I only hear about second- and third-hand. The skalds should have fought each other to write sagas worthy of your adventures.
And yet here you are in this blasted wasteland. Simply because you died in your bed, because the only thing that could kill you was time itself.
You deserve better...but this is what you have been given. Being sent to this leper colony they call Niflheim.
At least we have made something of a 'life' here, such as it is.
You see the halls; stone they may be, not timber, but they suffice to keep out much of the chill. And the fields...they may not have the bounty of Vanaheim, or even your own Midgard, but we have enough men and women of skill to keep ourselves fed.
We do the best with what we have. It is all we can do and it is all I'm afraid you will be able to do.
Ah, here we are. You will be living here from this point on and-
Yes, this is my home, my hall. Do not worry, I personally occupy that wing over there, separate from the others so you need not fear becoming like me. You will live here, with the others warriors who have come to this place.
It is why I brought you here. I would ask that you be one of my einherjar, one of my chosen, an enforcer of my will in this place. Order must be kept here, and I would have the best at my side.
I know it is not much, ruling over what Odin and the others would probably call peasants in some mockery of their halls, but it is the best I can offer you.
You accept?
Are you sure of this? I will not force you.
Good. You have my gratitude, mortal.
I, Hela, mistress of Niflheim, welcome you to this place as one of my own.
I wasn't sure about this at first. I enjoyed it a lot, but it seemed like.... Norse Fanfic?
Re-reading it, I think I appreciate it a lot more now. It's a bit more subtle than I was expecting, and full of unspoken emotion. I recommend everyone to take their time with this one, let it sink in.
and bonus points for tying the prompt to themes of mythology rather than science fiction.
Re-reading it, I think I appreciate it a lot more now. It's a bit more subtle than I was expecting, and full of unspoken emotion. I recommend everyone to take their time with this one, let it sink in.
and bonus points for tying the prompt to themes of mythology rather than science fiction.
I jokingly half-suspect the "parallel universe" tie-in with this one is that it feels like a parallel-universe version of a story from last round. ;-p Author, I think a lot of the feedback you're going to get here is going to be in reaction to that same 1st-slash-2nd-person narrative style, and for the same reasons, so (if you're not GroaningGreyAgony) go check out that original thread for some more insight.
(I'm in the noble-yet-failed-experiment camp, for the reasons given there.)
That said ... the ending here left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. It's delivered as though the goddess' name was some kind of twist or revelation -- why else would you withhold her name until the end? -- and yet her identity is clear as crystal throughout the text. We learn we're in Niflheim as early as paragraph 4, and paragraph 5 that it's not her fate to be anywhere but here, so unless you're subverting your own title there's no other goddess she could be. I guess maybe it was supposed to be a twist that it was (female) Hela instead of (male) Hel? -- except that 1) that requires reasonable foreknowledge of Norse mythology to even make sense as a twist, 2) depending on where you get your Norse mythology it might not even be a twist at all, and 3) as noted above, all you're doing is making textually explicit the context that you've already been beating us over the head with. I would strongly suggest you consider scrapping the "twist ending" and identifying the goddess early, perhaps even right at the beginning; that frees you up to focus your ending more on the character/narrative development you're also doing.
I do appreciate that this doubles down on its core mythology, though either that focus or the manner of storytelling leaves me feeling like I missed some of the big emotional beats. The leprosy, for instance, sort of came out of nowhere, and I feel like "I" should have made a much bigger deal of that right from the beginning rather than it randomly coming up halfway through (and after attempting to touch her, no less). "Whoah hey your body parts are rotting off" isn't the sort of thing that you notice belatedly. I also don't know why "I" end up accepting her offer, because of the silent-protagonist nature of the story, so the fact that a great deal is made of the weight of that decision doesn't really carry through to me-the-reader. These are problems that a more traditional narrative would have an easier time resolving -- which isn't to say that that's the right choice for your story, but that you need to be very mindful of the additional challenges you're setting yourself.
This is ambitious, which I admire; experimental, which I'm always in favor of; and it's got some strong moments; but against the context of last round's story it loses some of the shine of its originality, and overall I don't feel like it comes together for me. Thank you for submitting, regardless!
Tier: Needs Work
(I'm in the noble-yet-failed-experiment camp, for the reasons given there.)
That said ... the ending here left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. It's delivered as though the goddess' name was some kind of twist or revelation -- why else would you withhold her name until the end? -- and yet her identity is clear as crystal throughout the text. We learn we're in Niflheim as early as paragraph 4, and paragraph 5 that it's not her fate to be anywhere but here, so unless you're subverting your own title there's no other goddess she could be. I guess maybe it was supposed to be a twist that it was (female) Hela instead of (male) Hel? -- except that 1) that requires reasonable foreknowledge of Norse mythology to even make sense as a twist, 2) depending on where you get your Norse mythology it might not even be a twist at all, and 3) as noted above, all you're doing is making textually explicit the context that you've already been beating us over the head with. I would strongly suggest you consider scrapping the "twist ending" and identifying the goddess early, perhaps even right at the beginning; that frees you up to focus your ending more on the character/narrative development you're also doing.
I do appreciate that this doubles down on its core mythology, though either that focus or the manner of storytelling leaves me feeling like I missed some of the big emotional beats. The leprosy, for instance, sort of came out of nowhere, and I feel like "I" should have made a much bigger deal of that right from the beginning rather than it randomly coming up halfway through (and after attempting to touch her, no less). "Whoah hey your body parts are rotting off" isn't the sort of thing that you notice belatedly. I also don't know why "I" end up accepting her offer, because of the silent-protagonist nature of the story, so the fact that a great deal is made of the weight of that decision doesn't really carry through to me-the-reader. These are problems that a more traditional narrative would have an easier time resolving -- which isn't to say that that's the right choice for your story, but that you need to be very mindful of the additional challenges you're setting yourself.
This is ambitious, which I admire; experimental, which I'm always in favor of; and it's got some strong moments; but against the context of last round's story it loses some of the shine of its originality, and overall I don't feel like it comes together for me. Thank you for submitting, regardless!
Tier: Needs Work
It's decent enough, but I'm not familiar enough with Norse mythology for this one to land with me. I did like the irony that the absolute best warriors wouldn't end up in Valhalla.
The 'damn' was a little jarring, given the rest of the tone. It took me a bit to get my bearings. For a while, I wasn't sure if it was all Norse, or just the Norse section of a multiversal afterlife.
It did seem to be well crafted, but I didn't have the background to pick up on the other layers.
The 'damn' was a little jarring, given the rest of the tone. It took me a bit to get my bearings. For a while, I wasn't sure if it was all Norse, or just the Norse section of a multiversal afterlife.
It did seem to be well crafted, but I didn't have the background to pick up on the other layers.
This is an interesting vignette, and it's nice to see an original choice of topic.
The main issue for me is that I'm confused about the second-pony voice. Telling me that 'your people call it leprosy' seems to suggest the reader is in the role of a modern-day (well maybe not modern, but not ancient) person, but that doesn't match up well with the details in the description of being a warrior. So who am I, then? I don't know anything about who I'm supposed to be. This makes it difficult for me to become emotionally invested.
I agree with horizon about the last line seeming like an attempt at a twist when it isn't one—she should introduce herself at the outset. If that change makes the story seem like not much of a story, the problem isn't an attempt at a twist; it's the rest of the story. I think you need something more to make this a fully-fledged story, even in a space this small.
Also, WP suggests that her name is Hel and the realm she commands is also called Hel, which is only a portion of Niflheim—unless you're referring to the Marvel comic book character named Hela.
The main issue for me is that I'm confused about the second-pony voice. Telling me that 'your people call it leprosy' seems to suggest the reader is in the role of a modern-day (well maybe not modern, but not ancient) person, but that doesn't match up well with the details in the description of being a warrior. So who am I, then? I don't know anything about who I'm supposed to be. This makes it difficult for me to become emotionally invested.
I agree with horizon about the last line seeming like an attempt at a twist when it isn't one—she should introduce herself at the outset. If that change makes the story seem like not much of a story, the problem isn't an attempt at a twist; it's the rest of the story. I think you need something more to make this a fully-fledged story, even in a space this small.
Also, WP suggests that her name is Hel and the realm she commands is also called Hel, which is only a portion of Niflheim—unless you're referring to the Marvel comic book character named Hela.
It is why I brought you here. I would ask that you be one of my einherjar, one of my chosen, an enforcer of my will in this place. Order must be kept here, and I would have the best at my side.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMmsRQ-NehY
Anyhow, nicely written little piece, evocative and rad, but even moreso than Pauper, this story chose the wrong protagonist. There's an awesome story behind the "you" in this story and we get absolutely no insight into it. Alternatively, there -could- still be an awesome story from the current second person perspective, but it requires Hel to have some actual stakes or investment in this particular warrior, which she doesn't seem to.
EDIT: And to clarify since it came in in the comments above, I'm not totally oblivious to the emotional undercurrent coming out of Hel, it is just that it feels so absolutely understated that it gets loss. While you get the sense of isolation and separation, you do not really get a sense that this any particular change or triumph.
A solid piece, very engaging despite the unusual narration (and yet, it seems to become more and more common in the Writeoff rounds).
I will disagree with >>horizon about the 'twist'. It didn't feel like a twist for me, but rather like a nice closure for the story.. A closure that is also an opening, Hela welcoming us in her domain. Since many mythologies lend a huge power to names, having her name revealed to early would have ruined a bit the solemnity.
Speaking of solemnity, I'm probably wrong but when the goddess says 'damn gate', it feels OoC for such a divine being. Her whole speech before gives us a pretty serious tone and the use of damn kinda broke it. That's just a little nitpick and maybe 'damn' fits her voice. I don't really know.
Anyway, a strong piece, without a doubt. Challenging yourself by writing 2nd person narration is good, and managing to handle it is great.
I will disagree with >>horizon about the 'twist'. It didn't feel like a twist for me, but rather like a nice closure for the story.. A closure that is also an opening, Hela welcoming us in her domain. Since many mythologies lend a huge power to names, having her name revealed to early would have ruined a bit the solemnity.
Speaking of solemnity, I'm probably wrong but when the goddess says 'damn gate', it feels OoC for such a divine being. Her whole speech before gives us a pretty serious tone and the use of damn kinda broke it. That's just a little nitpick and maybe 'damn' fits her voice. I don't really know.
Anyway, a strong piece, without a doubt. Challenging yourself by writing 2nd person narration is good, and managing to handle it is great.
Hmmm. I am of two minds here. First of all, I acknowledge the original angle and a good prose. On the other hand, I don't see much of an arc or conflict here, and all that you put in the mouth of the goddess seems more a pretext to give us a quick overview of Norse mythology than a real story. Plethora of names, concepts, etc. It could be like a Norse mythology primer.
I won't hide I wasn't really enthralled by the reading. It is a sturdily built story, but it lacks somehow the audacity to reach higher than the purgatory it so well describes.
I won't hide I wasn't really enthralled by the reading. It is a sturdily built story, but it lacks somehow the audacity to reach higher than the purgatory it so well describes.
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
See these for my feelings. This is... well, it's pretty and atmospheric, but I struggle to call it a story. It's primarily an exposition dump, and the setting being exposed isn't even original. The second person voice is, I think, better executed than last round's example... but why? What purpose does it serve? Second person is usually angled at getting the reader into the addressed protagonist's headspace, but there's so little presented about who we are and what we're doing here that I couldn't achieve that insertion.
This line here in particular sent danger signals to me. Stripping both active characters of agency (and so early in the story!) is like a big neon sign shouting "you can stop caring now, because these characters aren't going to do anything interesting!" And they don't. (I imagine some people would reply to that with "but Ran, do characters need to 'do something' for a piece to be good?" My answer would be yes, they do.)
I didn't particularly mind the ending, but the same question rises again: why? Why female Hel? Why the leprosy angle? What's the significance, what am I supposed to take away? This is clearly a bottom-up story design, but those still need to build to some overall theme. I'd really like to find some vision or purpose going on in this piece (beyond "pretty and evocative for the sake of being pretty and evocative") but try as I might, none seems forthcoming.
It's pretty, though. Definitely playing to the atmosphere and emotion fans, and not really even trying to be a story. The particular ambitions here are not quite what I'm looking for to score above midtier, but well done on getting close to where I think you were aiming for. Thanks for writing!
>>Monokeras
See these for my feelings. This is... well, it's pretty and atmospheric, but I struggle to call it a story. It's primarily an exposition dump, and the setting being exposed isn't even original. The second person voice is, I think, better executed than last round's example... but why? What purpose does it serve? Second person is usually angled at getting the reader into the addressed protagonist's headspace, but there's so little presented about who we are and what we're doing here that I couldn't achieve that insertion.
I do not blame you for your mood at hearing the name. I care not for this place myself, but it is not my fate to be anywhere but here. Nor is it yours, I'm sorry to say.
This line here in particular sent danger signals to me. Stripping both active characters of agency (and so early in the story!) is like a big neon sign shouting "you can stop caring now, because these characters aren't going to do anything interesting!" And they don't. (I imagine some people would reply to that with "but Ran, do characters need to 'do something' for a piece to be good?" My answer would be yes, they do.)
I didn't particularly mind the ending, but the same question rises again: why? Why female Hel? Why the leprosy angle? What's the significance, what am I supposed to take away? This is clearly a bottom-up story design, but those still need to build to some overall theme. I'd really like to find some vision or purpose going on in this piece (beyond "pretty and evocative for the sake of being pretty and evocative") but try as I might, none seems forthcoming.
It's pretty, though. Definitely playing to the atmosphere and emotion fans, and not really even trying to be a story. The particular ambitions here are not quite what I'm looking for to score above midtier, but well done on getting close to where I think you were aiming for. Thanks for writing!
Well, that's certainly an interesting direction to take. Norse mythology isn't really my forte, but it was intriguing to see what the story did with it. The style of only having Hela talk was also pretty interesting, given that it helped play into the second-person perspective the story is in. The atmosphere of this place was pretty nice as well.
But in the end, this story didn't really seem to have much of a "direction". Was it about accepting death? The risks of growing old? I bring this up because, while it's certainly a nice experience, I don't think it's much more than that. It's fine if stories don't have morals or any real message, but there needs to be a little more emotional push behind this if it's to succeed as a purely emotional experience.
7/10, Loki will pay for his treachery
But in the end, this story didn't really seem to have much of a "direction". Was it about accepting death? The risks of growing old? I bring this up because, while it's certainly a nice experience, I don't think it's much more than that. It's fine if stories don't have morals or any real message, but there needs to be a little more emotional push behind this if it's to succeed as a purely emotional experience.
7/10, Loki will pay for his treachery
>>Haze
>>horizon
>>devas
>>Ratlab
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
>>Fenton
>>Monokeras
>>Ranmilia
>>libertydude
Thank you everyone for your comments and criticism, they're all appreciated. And sorry about being a little late with this response; for some reason I was dead tired yesterday.
I'd thought about the prompt a bit and realized that 'parallel universes' didn't necessarily mean a sci-fi concept; the term could apply to things like the spirit world or the lands of the dead in mythology. I just happened to think of Norse mythology because of its Nine Realms, which could be interpreted in such a way.
Another element to this was a thought I'd had concerning the idea of Viking afterlife: Niflheim (or, more accurately, Hel's hall of Helheim) was where those who had died of sickness, old age and generally anything other than valorous battle would up going. Well, that would also include the absolute best warriors as well, since no mortal opponent could defeat them in battle. Hel would be more than willing to take such warriors into her company, I imagine, and it sounds fitting that the daughter of Loki would be the beneficiary of such a cosmic technicality. (She's also getting more than a few leaders, wise-men and who-knows-how-much of a labor force as well, so it's no wonder her home is essentially hermetically sealed from the rest of Creation in the legends.)
Looking back on it now, even before the comments came in I realize that I did badly hurt myself with the format I used. It requires that the audience be able to 'become' the viewpoint character and be led around the nose by the author. It's either going to work or it isn't, and there's not much middle ground.
I also managed again to write a piece that really didn't have anything going on in it. It does have nice mood and an interesting idea, but there's no real story going on in it like >>Ranmilia mentions. *sigh* And I thought I was being so clever, again... (Then again, it was something of a stream-of-consciousness piece that I wrote in about an hour and spent another hour polishing, so I shouldn't be surprised.)
As for individual responses:
>>Haze
I'm glad you liked it. Like I said above, it was an experimental piece, and I'm glad it wasn't a total bust with everyone.
>>horizon
Thanks for the detailed review. I do agree now that the format hurt the story, and also the 'twist' of Hel being the goddess in question. I thought I'd learned that lesson from my first attempt in these contests back in February but...apparently not. (Oh well, maybe I'll do better next time. :) And you do make a good point about the 'leprosy' thing being made too late in the piece, it should have been better integrated in the piece (considering she was rotting away in mythology, I thought it would have been a likely cause of her condition, making her home something of a leper colony).
>>devas
Glad you liked the piece, though I imagine you saw much better later on.
>>Ratlab
Sorry if the idea went a little past you; I was trying for something different and I apparently succeeded on that count, for good or ill. And I didn't think about the use of the word 'damn' being so jarring in the piece. Thank you for pointing that out.
>>Trick_Question
Thanks for liking the piece, overall. I agree, looking back on it now, that 'who the audience is supposed to be' could have been made a lot clearer. And thanks again for mentioning my sad attempt at a 'twist' that shouldn't have been one. As for Hel's name and home - I thought 'Hela' would be a better way of putting down a female deity's name, while the rest of it means I should have done a better job of researching my mythology before submitting the piece.
>>AndrewRogue
Glad you liked the piece. I think you're probably right about the choice of protagonist and the fact that there's a lot of mood but not much in the way of a sense of triumph for Hel. I think the latter is probably a consequence of this piece really needing more of a story element to it and higher stakes.
>>Fenton
Thank you for the praise and the different take on Hel's naming in the story. I'd meant the word 'damn' to be used because Hel is basically trapped for eternity in her realm; no one, no thing can leave her realm, not even her, and I would imagine that to be horribly frustrating over the long term, which is why I had her getting like that. She's just that upset over the matter.
>>Monokeras
You're right about the problems with the piece: when I take a closer look at it, it looks more like a guide giving a tour than anything else. No conflict, no stakes, just someone talking to someone else. While it is well-written, it needs a lot more to it. (To be honest to everyone, I'm shocked at how well this piece did in this round.)
>>Ranmilia
Yeah, this piece seems to be well-written, but it's 'full of sound and fury, signifying nothing'. I don't have a lot of answers to the questions you raise because I wasn't thinking about it at the time; I just wanted to put something out into the contest this time around. I really should have thought a lot more about this piece and given it more underlying structure before submitting it. But thanks for the detailed critique, I do appreciate it.
>>libertydude
I'm glad you thought it was interesting. Like I've said to some of the others, I do understand that this piece needed more directioon and 'story' to really work better. I'll see what I can do next time.
Thanks once again for all of your comments and kind words. I hope to see you again (and do a better job with my submissions) next time!
>>horizon
>>devas
>>Ratlab
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
>>Fenton
>>Monokeras
>>Ranmilia
>>libertydude
Thank you everyone for your comments and criticism, they're all appreciated. And sorry about being a little late with this response; for some reason I was dead tired yesterday.
I'd thought about the prompt a bit and realized that 'parallel universes' didn't necessarily mean a sci-fi concept; the term could apply to things like the spirit world or the lands of the dead in mythology. I just happened to think of Norse mythology because of its Nine Realms, which could be interpreted in such a way.
Another element to this was a thought I'd had concerning the idea of Viking afterlife: Niflheim (or, more accurately, Hel's hall of Helheim) was where those who had died of sickness, old age and generally anything other than valorous battle would up going. Well, that would also include the absolute best warriors as well, since no mortal opponent could defeat them in battle. Hel would be more than willing to take such warriors into her company, I imagine, and it sounds fitting that the daughter of Loki would be the beneficiary of such a cosmic technicality. (She's also getting more than a few leaders, wise-men and who-knows-how-much of a labor force as well, so it's no wonder her home is essentially hermetically sealed from the rest of Creation in the legends.)
Looking back on it now, even before the comments came in I realize that I did badly hurt myself with the format I used. It requires that the audience be able to 'become' the viewpoint character and be led around the nose by the author. It's either going to work or it isn't, and there's not much middle ground.
I also managed again to write a piece that really didn't have anything going on in it. It does have nice mood and an interesting idea, but there's no real story going on in it like >>Ranmilia mentions. *sigh* And I thought I was being so clever, again... (Then again, it was something of a stream-of-consciousness piece that I wrote in about an hour and spent another hour polishing, so I shouldn't be surprised.)
As for individual responses:
>>Haze
I'm glad you liked it. Like I said above, it was an experimental piece, and I'm glad it wasn't a total bust with everyone.
>>horizon
Thanks for the detailed review. I do agree now that the format hurt the story, and also the 'twist' of Hel being the goddess in question. I thought I'd learned that lesson from my first attempt in these contests back in February but...apparently not. (Oh well, maybe I'll do better next time. :) And you do make a good point about the 'leprosy' thing being made too late in the piece, it should have been better integrated in the piece (considering she was rotting away in mythology, I thought it would have been a likely cause of her condition, making her home something of a leper colony).
>>devas
Glad you liked the piece, though I imagine you saw much better later on.
>>Ratlab
Sorry if the idea went a little past you; I was trying for something different and I apparently succeeded on that count, for good or ill. And I didn't think about the use of the word 'damn' being so jarring in the piece. Thank you for pointing that out.
>>Trick_Question
Thanks for liking the piece, overall. I agree, looking back on it now, that 'who the audience is supposed to be' could have been made a lot clearer. And thanks again for mentioning my sad attempt at a 'twist' that shouldn't have been one. As for Hel's name and home - I thought 'Hela' would be a better way of putting down a female deity's name, while the rest of it means I should have done a better job of researching my mythology before submitting the piece.
>>AndrewRogue
Glad you liked the piece. I think you're probably right about the choice of protagonist and the fact that there's a lot of mood but not much in the way of a sense of triumph for Hel. I think the latter is probably a consequence of this piece really needing more of a story element to it and higher stakes.
>>Fenton
Thank you for the praise and the different take on Hel's naming in the story. I'd meant the word 'damn' to be used because Hel is basically trapped for eternity in her realm; no one, no thing can leave her realm, not even her, and I would imagine that to be horribly frustrating over the long term, which is why I had her getting like that. She's just that upset over the matter.
>>Monokeras
You're right about the problems with the piece: when I take a closer look at it, it looks more like a guide giving a tour than anything else. No conflict, no stakes, just someone talking to someone else. While it is well-written, it needs a lot more to it. (To be honest to everyone, I'm shocked at how well this piece did in this round.)
>>Ranmilia
Yeah, this piece seems to be well-written, but it's 'full of sound and fury, signifying nothing'. I don't have a lot of answers to the questions you raise because I wasn't thinking about it at the time; I just wanted to put something out into the contest this time around. I really should have thought a lot more about this piece and given it more underlying structure before submitting it. But thanks for the detailed critique, I do appreciate it.
>>libertydude
I'm glad you thought it was interesting. Like I've said to some of the others, I do understand that this piece needed more directioon and 'story' to really work better. I'll see what I can do next time.
Thanks once again for all of your comments and kind words. I hope to see you again (and do a better job with my submissions) next time!