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A Walk Beyond the Stars
A presence here I feel, deep in my dreamwalks. Let me spread my senses along the Oneiric pathways, the ways traversed but not trodden, where sojourns are measured in thoughts and feelings, not steps… Here, through the dark mists of dream and the night-gloomed brush, symbolic of hidden forms under dark sky, I come!
Ah, now, hail there! What strange fellow traveler have I met tonight? Do not fear me; I mean you no harm. My appearance does but suit my station, and the deeper blues and blacks of the night are as natural garments to me. Symbology does count for much here in the dream realms.
And what are you? How curious, a bipedal being! I can sense that you are not taking on a semblance suitable for dreamwalking; your current appearance is close to your natural form. I do not as a rule see those of your kind as I travel the pathways of dream, though there was that one quiet lad once… You must be far indeed from where you are usually wont to travel in the dream realms. May I inquire what brings you this way?
A ritual? One more meditative than magical, I hazard, for you bear not about you the stinks of deep incantations. If you would, please describe it to me?
Ah, dear me. I fear the author of that book you read wrote with more pedantry than sense when he set down that ritual. It really should have been accompanied by commentary, and restricted to those who are very advanced in their studies. For you see, it has caused you some difficulty. You are a naturally imaginative sort, and the ritual was able to feed upon that power, and as a result it has swept you far, far from your home. And the dream realms are not without their dangers–you are lucky to have encountered nothing dire so far. Have you marked no shadows at the corners of your eyes, that seemed to follow you but were never there when you turned to look? I see. Please hold quite still–
Hah! This is the sort of thing I meant, a Sidlegrent. See how its black scales shine now as it squirms in the blue grasp of my magic! Watch its feelers writhe as it squeals, deprived of its prey! Oh–fear not, it can no longer affect you. I shall dispose of it, thus! It returns to the black oblivion from whence it was spawned.
I can see you are still upset. And while you would be wise to be cautious, this deep in the wild of dreams, in truth the Sidlegrent by itself would have caused you no great harm. It seeks to attach itself to the lower levels of your mind, and add to your sense of unease, from which it would tap some small amount of your psyche’s energy. By itself a small matter, but one needs all of one’s wits about one in these wild areas.
Speaking of which, what are you to do? In truth, I am concerned for your safety. Were I to leave you here and aught were to happen to you, I should feel responsible. Yet I cannot spare time from my own tasks to try to guide you home. I think you shall be safest if you accompany me for a while–
Ah, that is a fair question; for what reason should you trust me? There are indeed spirits in this realm that would seek to deceive you under the guise of friendliness. Well, no true proof is possible, but perhaps a token may suffice. You see here, this box? It is a thing I craft from the dreamstuff around us, and within it I have placed a thing. I give this box into your care for now. It is slightly cool and slick, gleaming with the energy of its creation.
Now, I ask that you look into your inner world, that seat of introspection in which reside your inner thoughts and feelings, and try to call up what you feel, when you have done a deed to help a stranger, and they meet your eyes, face beaming with gratitude, and thank you for your aid. Feel that warmth in your heart, the rising heat within, the radiance in your own soul as you accept their thanks, and you know you have done well by doing good–
And now, reach into that feeling, and pull forth that–there, yes! That flower. How beautifully it shines, how rich its color! See how it sparkles as if covered with dew on the morning!
Place that flower of yours where you like, wear it on your chest or in your hair or elsewise as you wish, and now open the box I gave you. See there, a bloom very much like yours! You are seeing a dream symbol, one of the many attributes of kindness. Some acts of good may be faked, but that symbol in this realm of dream can only be borne of that genuine feeling. And so, you now have a sign, that I am knowledgeable of the workings of this place and am kindly disposed towards you. If you will undertake to trust me, I can lead you to safety…
Splendid! Let us walk together this way. The mists do cover all the places that lie beyond the scope of your instant attention, but they open before us now. I am a skilled dreamwalker and I can bend the stuff around us, much to my heart’s desire. See how the bushes around us, and those that stretch down the path, start now to glow? See how roses of many colors form upon them? These in a sense may be said to be my charges. I will tend to them as we walk.
Meanwhile, permit me to instruct you to a small degree on defense. The Sidlegrents will not bother us at present, but the practice will do you good. Recall that they seek to feed upon your unease, and present them nothing upon which they may attach. Cheerful thoughts are your armor. Recall the exercise of calling up a flower from your good feelings, and try the same with other feelings of yours as we walk. Consider the light in the eye of a friend, the smell of a meadow in the morning or evening of the world, the sounds of birds in the trees and the rushing waters of a brook, the times when you are deep in your favorite book. Gather these thoughts about you and cherish them!
Ha, this rose burgeons with health, but under it another wilts in shadow. Let me rearrange them… Yes, tending these roses is a duty of mine, but fortunately one I find soothing. I see that you have conjured some more flowers of your own! You do have talent, though it may not yet be fully expressed. This particular flower is borne of your pleasure in self-discovery, and you shall ever bear new ones… May I ask that you contribute it to a good cause? Take it and place it near that one rose, the one that seems to bulge to bursting with petals but is still constricted by its outer leaves. There, gently… Ah! See that! The outer leaves part, the petals spread gently, slowly. I shall have to see what comes of this when I return tomorrow. Thank you for your assistance!
Please continue to practice as we walk, and permit me to show you another sort of trick on the way, that you might not be wholly defenseless. Call to your mind again a protective feeling. Think of a precious tome being placed upon a shelf in pride; think of knowledge as a torch to be kept alight. Call this up from your breast, let it flow along your arm, allow the flow to merge with dreamstuff around you, and draw your arm sharply upward! Almost, almost, try it again… There! You have now a shield before you.
And now, by a similar trick, you can be armed as well. Use thoughts of stepping before the ones you love to shield them from harm, standing up to bullies and facing them down, making of yourself a pillar of protection, and sling your arm forth… thusly! Well done, you have a great talent for this! But why are you laughing so hard? Yes, it has taken the form of a sword of pure light, for such is the symbolism… Never mind. Whatever meaning of your own you have attached to it, it draws strength from that connection as well, and your joy feeds it.
But now, we have reached a small park of sorts, and you can see that the rose bushes here form a circle, and at the center, take note of these trees. That one of blue and moonlit silver leaves… well guessed, it is a symbol for me. Disregard those others for now, particularly that gnarled one with the widely varying fruit. This one here, the tallest white tree, lit as if under full sunlight. There is a task to perform for this one tonight, a pruning if you will.
And I have a feeling that you might be both willing and able to assist me in some small way… I am correct? Excellent. I now call up the dreamstuff into a small arboreal doorway, and as the mist swells within it we shall step through. Now, we go!
And now, permit me now to show you a realm most dear to my heart, as we appear in the skies over–why are you not flying? Try harder! Oh, dear, hold on, I’m coming to assist… There! Rest on my back for a bit and still your hammering heart.
See now this vast verdant land below; mark its pretty farmlands and elegant cities, dazzling under daylit sky, and see that grand peak with its golden castle of glory and renown. ‘Tis Equestria, the realm where I rule at the side of my sister, or rather, this is its projection into the dreamrealms. Though all appears bright and peaceful at first glance, it is close to the shadowed parts of the dreamrealms in many places.
Now let us descend, towards the mountain and the great castle, and now that we are close, mark that great crystal cage amid the towers, vaster than the tallest buildings in the mightiest cities known. This cage has no real counterpart in the true realm of Equestria, yet it is here we must go.
We shall enter through the top, for the place like is one great maze, and now we descend along this long curving hallway. Yes, the walls are much like crystal mirrors, and many are overwritten with engraved words. Tax codes, genealogical manuscripts, centuries of history and legislation, declarations of war… I did mention the importance of symbolism earlier, did I not?
Let me see now, I take here a left, and here ascend through that jagged hole, and here we must backtrack. That way through the red gallery there is shorter, but it would prove distressing to you, so we will take this fork instead. Further down, past these statues of guards standing at attention–how many of them are shattered! But the heart of the maze is near.
Here at last we are, in the central gallery, with its gilded marble columns. and great windows barred and crisscrossed with the most precious of metals. It is a sight painful to me, but I have known her for–a very long time. You, a stranger, only see that great alabaster statue with horns and wings of gold, rampant in its weighted chains, suspended over that pit in the floor that seems to drop straight down to Tartarus. See how the smoke and flames have darkened the base of the statue!
She does take much upon her self, and has done so for so long that she no longer counts the burden; it has become her nature to bear it. There are many things for which she blames herself, and I am one of them, I fear. But I shall do what I can for her; ‘tis part of how I make my atonement.
Now, as to how you can help me. We cannot efface this structure, nor entirely put that statue upon its firmest footing. But we can shift some of this flooring to narrow that hole, and dampen these hellfires with some compassion, and release some of the weights that bear down on these chains–
Ah, wait! See, from the pit they pour! Insects borne of decaying filth, seeking to defile that marbled flesh, and–Oh, the horrid sight! The Shantaks accompany them, vile birds! Their heads like horseskulls, their bodies like olyphaunts! This is not from my Sister’s dream. This is a true attack by the shadowy forces beyond the veils of despair and darkness! I apologize to you, traveler from afar; I had no intent to subject you to this. There is still time for you to flee–
You’ll stay and fight? Huzzah! Then call forth your sword and shield, stand at my side! We will show them what a grave error they make, to seek to defile the sacred rest of the Dawnbringer!
Hah! I lance forth with my horn–strike them there! Their claws scrape at your shield, but your sword blazes with the fire within you, and it slices through their bony beaks and worm-eaten wings. Use the columns for cover; don’t let them come at your back! They are as ungainly as great round swine, but you are nimble and swift. Hold their attention while I will stop this foul swarm of bugs before it comes to bite at us with poisoned jaws and diseased stingers. I call ice storms to still their heart’s fires and sleeting winds to drive them away from us, dash them to pieces against the walls!
There, it is done! And now I direct my full force at the Shantaks, and those that live afterward shall rue their very birth! Strike them handsomely; your sword has a virtue they cannot withstand. Together, we drive them back. To the edge of the pit–Hah, yes! Down and over they go. ‘Twas a miracle that they could fly at all with such miserable wings; thanks to your sword, wingless they fall. We’ve done it! Huzzah! Calloo Callay!
I shall be up late tomorrow trying to find and stop the hole by which they pierced the dreamworld, but for now my sister’s repose is clear, thanks to your aid. But look, the statue stirs! ‘Tis a sign that my sister is awakening. We must bring our affairs here to a close, for she has an urgent task to perform soon that will brook no delay. Let us bank these hellfires as best we may, and take up these flowers of goodwill that you kindly made earlier, to lay as a garland about her horn. That will give her strength and hopeful feelings to bear the day ahead.
Ah, dear traveler from the distant dreamrealms, we must soon part, but I believe you shall readily find your way home with what you now know; I will soon provide you with an extra enchantment to aid you. And I am sure you will find your way back to me again. I for one feel that I’ve made a new friend today, and I hope you feel the same…
There, that crystal shard on the floor; take it up for yourself. Not many can say they’ve touched the prison of a princess; it’s the stuff of dreams and fairy tales that you now hold.
She’s rising now in real life, and true Equestrian sunlight pours over the mountains to warm the whole world. And now, I charge my horn, and I fill that crystal you hold with that same light! Feel how warm it is in your hand; it does not burn, but it courses through your whole body. I can see in your face the new confidence that fills you. You’ve felt it, and will feel it again. Let the light guide you home, and thereafter, hold it close to your heart throughout your days.
Fare thee well!
Ah, now, hail there! What strange fellow traveler have I met tonight? Do not fear me; I mean you no harm. My appearance does but suit my station, and the deeper blues and blacks of the night are as natural garments to me. Symbology does count for much here in the dream realms.
And what are you? How curious, a bipedal being! I can sense that you are not taking on a semblance suitable for dreamwalking; your current appearance is close to your natural form. I do not as a rule see those of your kind as I travel the pathways of dream, though there was that one quiet lad once… You must be far indeed from where you are usually wont to travel in the dream realms. May I inquire what brings you this way?
A ritual? One more meditative than magical, I hazard, for you bear not about you the stinks of deep incantations. If you would, please describe it to me?
Ah, dear me. I fear the author of that book you read wrote with more pedantry than sense when he set down that ritual. It really should have been accompanied by commentary, and restricted to those who are very advanced in their studies. For you see, it has caused you some difficulty. You are a naturally imaginative sort, and the ritual was able to feed upon that power, and as a result it has swept you far, far from your home. And the dream realms are not without their dangers–you are lucky to have encountered nothing dire so far. Have you marked no shadows at the corners of your eyes, that seemed to follow you but were never there when you turned to look? I see. Please hold quite still–
Hah! This is the sort of thing I meant, a Sidlegrent. See how its black scales shine now as it squirms in the blue grasp of my magic! Watch its feelers writhe as it squeals, deprived of its prey! Oh–fear not, it can no longer affect you. I shall dispose of it, thus! It returns to the black oblivion from whence it was spawned.
I can see you are still upset. And while you would be wise to be cautious, this deep in the wild of dreams, in truth the Sidlegrent by itself would have caused you no great harm. It seeks to attach itself to the lower levels of your mind, and add to your sense of unease, from which it would tap some small amount of your psyche’s energy. By itself a small matter, but one needs all of one’s wits about one in these wild areas.
Speaking of which, what are you to do? In truth, I am concerned for your safety. Were I to leave you here and aught were to happen to you, I should feel responsible. Yet I cannot spare time from my own tasks to try to guide you home. I think you shall be safest if you accompany me for a while–
Ah, that is a fair question; for what reason should you trust me? There are indeed spirits in this realm that would seek to deceive you under the guise of friendliness. Well, no true proof is possible, but perhaps a token may suffice. You see here, this box? It is a thing I craft from the dreamstuff around us, and within it I have placed a thing. I give this box into your care for now. It is slightly cool and slick, gleaming with the energy of its creation.
Now, I ask that you look into your inner world, that seat of introspection in which reside your inner thoughts and feelings, and try to call up what you feel, when you have done a deed to help a stranger, and they meet your eyes, face beaming with gratitude, and thank you for your aid. Feel that warmth in your heart, the rising heat within, the radiance in your own soul as you accept their thanks, and you know you have done well by doing good–
And now, reach into that feeling, and pull forth that–there, yes! That flower. How beautifully it shines, how rich its color! See how it sparkles as if covered with dew on the morning!
Place that flower of yours where you like, wear it on your chest or in your hair or elsewise as you wish, and now open the box I gave you. See there, a bloom very much like yours! You are seeing a dream symbol, one of the many attributes of kindness. Some acts of good may be faked, but that symbol in this realm of dream can only be borne of that genuine feeling. And so, you now have a sign, that I am knowledgeable of the workings of this place and am kindly disposed towards you. If you will undertake to trust me, I can lead you to safety…
Splendid! Let us walk together this way. The mists do cover all the places that lie beyond the scope of your instant attention, but they open before us now. I am a skilled dreamwalker and I can bend the stuff around us, much to my heart’s desire. See how the bushes around us, and those that stretch down the path, start now to glow? See how roses of many colors form upon them? These in a sense may be said to be my charges. I will tend to them as we walk.
Meanwhile, permit me to instruct you to a small degree on defense. The Sidlegrents will not bother us at present, but the practice will do you good. Recall that they seek to feed upon your unease, and present them nothing upon which they may attach. Cheerful thoughts are your armor. Recall the exercise of calling up a flower from your good feelings, and try the same with other feelings of yours as we walk. Consider the light in the eye of a friend, the smell of a meadow in the morning or evening of the world, the sounds of birds in the trees and the rushing waters of a brook, the times when you are deep in your favorite book. Gather these thoughts about you and cherish them!
Ha, this rose burgeons with health, but under it another wilts in shadow. Let me rearrange them… Yes, tending these roses is a duty of mine, but fortunately one I find soothing. I see that you have conjured some more flowers of your own! You do have talent, though it may not yet be fully expressed. This particular flower is borne of your pleasure in self-discovery, and you shall ever bear new ones… May I ask that you contribute it to a good cause? Take it and place it near that one rose, the one that seems to bulge to bursting with petals but is still constricted by its outer leaves. There, gently… Ah! See that! The outer leaves part, the petals spread gently, slowly. I shall have to see what comes of this when I return tomorrow. Thank you for your assistance!
Please continue to practice as we walk, and permit me to show you another sort of trick on the way, that you might not be wholly defenseless. Call to your mind again a protective feeling. Think of a precious tome being placed upon a shelf in pride; think of knowledge as a torch to be kept alight. Call this up from your breast, let it flow along your arm, allow the flow to merge with dreamstuff around you, and draw your arm sharply upward! Almost, almost, try it again… There! You have now a shield before you.
And now, by a similar trick, you can be armed as well. Use thoughts of stepping before the ones you love to shield them from harm, standing up to bullies and facing them down, making of yourself a pillar of protection, and sling your arm forth… thusly! Well done, you have a great talent for this! But why are you laughing so hard? Yes, it has taken the form of a sword of pure light, for such is the symbolism… Never mind. Whatever meaning of your own you have attached to it, it draws strength from that connection as well, and your joy feeds it.
But now, we have reached a small park of sorts, and you can see that the rose bushes here form a circle, and at the center, take note of these trees. That one of blue and moonlit silver leaves… well guessed, it is a symbol for me. Disregard those others for now, particularly that gnarled one with the widely varying fruit. This one here, the tallest white tree, lit as if under full sunlight. There is a task to perform for this one tonight, a pruning if you will.
And I have a feeling that you might be both willing and able to assist me in some small way… I am correct? Excellent. I now call up the dreamstuff into a small arboreal doorway, and as the mist swells within it we shall step through. Now, we go!
And now, permit me now to show you a realm most dear to my heart, as we appear in the skies over–why are you not flying? Try harder! Oh, dear, hold on, I’m coming to assist… There! Rest on my back for a bit and still your hammering heart.
See now this vast verdant land below; mark its pretty farmlands and elegant cities, dazzling under daylit sky, and see that grand peak with its golden castle of glory and renown. ‘Tis Equestria, the realm where I rule at the side of my sister, or rather, this is its projection into the dreamrealms. Though all appears bright and peaceful at first glance, it is close to the shadowed parts of the dreamrealms in many places.
Now let us descend, towards the mountain and the great castle, and now that we are close, mark that great crystal cage amid the towers, vaster than the tallest buildings in the mightiest cities known. This cage has no real counterpart in the true realm of Equestria, yet it is here we must go.
We shall enter through the top, for the place like is one great maze, and now we descend along this long curving hallway. Yes, the walls are much like crystal mirrors, and many are overwritten with engraved words. Tax codes, genealogical manuscripts, centuries of history and legislation, declarations of war… I did mention the importance of symbolism earlier, did I not?
Let me see now, I take here a left, and here ascend through that jagged hole, and here we must backtrack. That way through the red gallery there is shorter, but it would prove distressing to you, so we will take this fork instead. Further down, past these statues of guards standing at attention–how many of them are shattered! But the heart of the maze is near.
Here at last we are, in the central gallery, with its gilded marble columns. and great windows barred and crisscrossed with the most precious of metals. It is a sight painful to me, but I have known her for–a very long time. You, a stranger, only see that great alabaster statue with horns and wings of gold, rampant in its weighted chains, suspended over that pit in the floor that seems to drop straight down to Tartarus. See how the smoke and flames have darkened the base of the statue!
She does take much upon her self, and has done so for so long that she no longer counts the burden; it has become her nature to bear it. There are many things for which she blames herself, and I am one of them, I fear. But I shall do what I can for her; ‘tis part of how I make my atonement.
Now, as to how you can help me. We cannot efface this structure, nor entirely put that statue upon its firmest footing. But we can shift some of this flooring to narrow that hole, and dampen these hellfires with some compassion, and release some of the weights that bear down on these chains–
Ah, wait! See, from the pit they pour! Insects borne of decaying filth, seeking to defile that marbled flesh, and–Oh, the horrid sight! The Shantaks accompany them, vile birds! Their heads like horseskulls, their bodies like olyphaunts! This is not from my Sister’s dream. This is a true attack by the shadowy forces beyond the veils of despair and darkness! I apologize to you, traveler from afar; I had no intent to subject you to this. There is still time for you to flee–
You’ll stay and fight? Huzzah! Then call forth your sword and shield, stand at my side! We will show them what a grave error they make, to seek to defile the sacred rest of the Dawnbringer!
Hah! I lance forth with my horn–strike them there! Their claws scrape at your shield, but your sword blazes with the fire within you, and it slices through their bony beaks and worm-eaten wings. Use the columns for cover; don’t let them come at your back! They are as ungainly as great round swine, but you are nimble and swift. Hold their attention while I will stop this foul swarm of bugs before it comes to bite at us with poisoned jaws and diseased stingers. I call ice storms to still their heart’s fires and sleeting winds to drive them away from us, dash them to pieces against the walls!
There, it is done! And now I direct my full force at the Shantaks, and those that live afterward shall rue their very birth! Strike them handsomely; your sword has a virtue they cannot withstand. Together, we drive them back. To the edge of the pit–Hah, yes! Down and over they go. ‘Twas a miracle that they could fly at all with such miserable wings; thanks to your sword, wingless they fall. We’ve done it! Huzzah! Calloo Callay!
I shall be up late tomorrow trying to find and stop the hole by which they pierced the dreamworld, but for now my sister’s repose is clear, thanks to your aid. But look, the statue stirs! ‘Tis a sign that my sister is awakening. We must bring our affairs here to a close, for she has an urgent task to perform soon that will brook no delay. Let us bank these hellfires as best we may, and take up these flowers of goodwill that you kindly made earlier, to lay as a garland about her horn. That will give her strength and hopeful feelings to bear the day ahead.
Ah, dear traveler from the distant dreamrealms, we must soon part, but I believe you shall readily find your way home with what you now know; I will soon provide you with an extra enchantment to aid you. And I am sure you will find your way back to me again. I for one feel that I’ve made a new friend today, and I hope you feel the same…
There, that crystal shard on the floor; take it up for yourself. Not many can say they’ve touched the prison of a princess; it’s the stuff of dreams and fairy tales that you now hold.
She’s rising now in real life, and true Equestrian sunlight pours over the mountains to warm the whole world. And now, I charge my horn, and I fill that crystal you hold with that same light! Feel how warm it is in your hand; it does not burn, but it courses through your whole body. I can see in your face the new confidence that fills you. You’ve felt it, and will feel it again. Let the light guide you home, and thereafter, hold it close to your heart throughout your days.
Fare thee well!
Pics
So I said in my review of Tales from Another Time that the author was veering dangerously close to purple prose in just his first paragraph. Then I get to this story.
There is, though, a point to the archaic and overwrought prose -- this is Luna's voice we hear. And though the style of story being told here, a monologue accounting for events as they transpire, is not one I'm generally a fan of, it does work. But I also wonder if a more conventional style of telling could have given you, author, more freedom to describe the dream world and its inhabitants. At times Luna's descriptions of them come across as a bit forced, and a reasonable person might wonder why she was narrating such things aloud.
Still, I like the imagining here. This story features some interesting events and settings, without bogged down by trying to explain too much. The references to Jabberwocky are a nice touch, and help add to the surrealness of the dream world.
A good effort, and a pleasure to read.
There is, though, a point to the archaic and overwrought prose -- this is Luna's voice we hear. And though the style of story being told here, a monologue accounting for events as they transpire, is not one I'm generally a fan of, it does work. But I also wonder if a more conventional style of telling could have given you, author, more freedom to describe the dream world and its inhabitants. At times Luna's descriptions of them come across as a bit forced, and a reasonable person might wonder why she was narrating such things aloud.
Still, I like the imagining here. This story features some interesting events and settings, without bogged down by trying to explain too much. The references to Jabberwocky are a nice touch, and help add to the surrealness of the dream world.
A good effort, and a pleasure to read.
Completely and wholly unexpected, but delightful at the same time. While I tend to dislike any story that crosses Equestria with humanity (aside from EqG), I found I didn't mind in the end. The wonder of the dreamscape and the lessons on working with the stuff of the night were delightful. This felt very much like it was told from Luna's perspective and that type of narrative made it wonderfully unique (at least to me).
I wonder... it might add some mystery to remove the mention of the "visitor's" form and simply have Luna remark that they are curious looking. It might be a good challenge, especially with the short combat scene, to never actually describe what the being looks like in form. Allowing the reader to place any creature into that position might give it an even greater otherwordly vibe.
Wonderful entry and thoroughly enjoyed.
I wonder... it might add some mystery to remove the mention of the "visitor's" form and simply have Luna remark that they are curious looking. It might be a good challenge, especially with the short combat scene, to never actually describe what the being looks like in form. Allowing the reader to place any creature into that position might give it an even greater otherwordly vibe.
Wonderful entry and thoroughly enjoyed.
Very nice! Beautifully written, featuring a well-voiced Luna who completely embodies the character as she's depicted on MLP. A rare example of a second-person fic which contextualizes its format well, meaning I don't want to swallow bleach at the mere prospect of reading it.
I agree with >>Cold in Gardez's assessment that Luna's narration breaks the story's format, however. At times, she feels less like a conversation partner, observing and remarking upon the... how even do you describe the addressee of second-person narration? Does "protagonist" suffice? We'll go with that. Observing and remarking upon the protagonist's actions, and more like a traditional narrator. That takes me out of the story a bit, and damages (though not irreparably) the feel you're going for.
The first story I read on my slate is also gonna sit at the top of my ballot for quite some time, I think. If nothing else, it deserves a medal for the stealthiest Star Wars joke I've read in a writeoff.
I agree with >>Cold in Gardez's assessment that Luna's narration breaks the story's format, however. At times, she feels less like a conversation partner, observing and remarking upon the... how even do you describe the addressee of second-person narration? Does "protagonist" suffice? We'll go with that. Observing and remarking upon the protagonist's actions, and more like a traditional narrator. That takes me out of the story a bit, and damages (though not irreparably) the feel you're going for.
The first story I read on my slate is also gonna sit at the top of my ballot for quite some time, I think. If nothing else, it deserves a medal for the stealthiest Star Wars joke I've read in a writeoff.
Genre: You Get Mooned
Thoughts: This piece is remarkable to me for how well it works in spite of choosing second person HiE. Not that I want to fly the flag of scorn for second person HiE, but I feel like that introduces some challenges that the story needs to overcome in order to truly reach me.
Odd as it sounds, I think the Star Wars reference is the moment that gets me there. It's a rare moment among the few second person stories I've read where I actually can feel a connection to the “me” I keep reading about.
Also, nice Quiet Boy And Moon Horse ref.
Beyond that, the story is effective at capturing the imagination and drawing us along through its adventure. But with that said, I think the format does hold this back a bit. I generally feel like we suffer from a disconnect from the perspective of “ourselves” in the narrative because we can't actually see (and might struggle to imagine without more help) the fantastical events ostensibly taking place around us. The Star Wars moment does this right; other moments are hit-or-miss. The story tries to compensate for this by injecting more descriptions without being obtrusive, but at moments I find myself dearly missing the simplicity of third person to get descriptions of action across.
But there's something to be said for tackling an ambitious story concept, and this definitely does that. Additional clarity would only make it better.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: This piece is remarkable to me for how well it works in spite of choosing second person HiE. Not that I want to fly the flag of scorn for second person HiE, but I feel like that introduces some challenges that the story needs to overcome in order to truly reach me.
Odd as it sounds, I think the Star Wars reference is the moment that gets me there. It's a rare moment among the few second person stories I've read where I actually can feel a connection to the “me” I keep reading about.
Also, nice Quiet Boy And Moon Horse ref.
Beyond that, the story is effective at capturing the imagination and drawing us along through its adventure. But with that said, I think the format does hold this back a bit. I generally feel like we suffer from a disconnect from the perspective of “ourselves” in the narrative because we can't actually see (and might struggle to imagine without more help) the fantastical events ostensibly taking place around us. The Star Wars moment does this right; other moments are hit-or-miss. The story tries to compensate for this by injecting more descriptions without being obtrusive, but at moments I find myself dearly missing the simplicity of third person to get descriptions of action across.
But there's something to be said for tackling an ambitious story concept, and this definitely does that. Additional clarity would only make it better.
Tier: Almost There
Hmm, second person... *tries to withhold judgement* No wait, first-second person. First person, with in situ narrator talking to the reader directly.
Visual descriptions are very odd in this PoV. It makes no sense why Luna would keep describing things the reader is very obviously supposed to be seeing themself and it keeps throwing me out of the story. The odd language structure does a bit as well, it feels like Jabberwocky but without the whimsy.
Nevermind: "Calloo Callay" near the end. This is trying to be Jabberwocky.
I think this does a really good job with description, despite the PoV it's using. However, I think there's very little depth to it beyond that. Far too many words are spent showing very little happening. The reader is shown to stand and fight a nightmare alongside Luna, but... there's no sense of real danger, no sense of real victory. Luna just coddles the "protagonist" and urges them along in baby steps so small that it feels like she's coaching a toddler at t-ball, not a hero to fight nightmares. That's impressive to the baby, but as an adult, I don't feel any connection what-so-ever to the way the absolutely passive way the protagonist behaves here, so it just falls completely flat for me, despite a few nerdy easter eggs.
Overall, I have to congratulate the author for trying a format and subject as risky as they did, but it just doesn't engage my imagination or my emotion beyond a surface appreciation for the prose itself.
Visual descriptions are very odd in this PoV. It makes no sense why Luna would keep describing things the reader is very obviously supposed to be seeing themself and it keeps throwing me out of the story. The odd language structure does a bit as well, it feels like Jabberwocky but without the whimsy.
Nevermind: "Calloo Callay" near the end. This is trying to be Jabberwocky.
I think this does a really good job with description, despite the PoV it's using. However, I think there's very little depth to it beyond that. Far too many words are spent showing very little happening. The reader is shown to stand and fight a nightmare alongside Luna, but... there's no sense of real danger, no sense of real victory. Luna just coddles the "protagonist" and urges them along in baby steps so small that it feels like she's coaching a toddler at t-ball, not a hero to fight nightmares. That's impressive to the baby, but as an adult, I don't feel any connection what-so-ever to the way the absolutely passive way the protagonist behaves here, so it just falls completely flat for me, despite a few nerdy easter eggs.
Overall, I have to congratulate the author for trying a format and subject as risky as they did, but it just doesn't engage my imagination or my emotion beyond a surface appreciation for the prose itself.
Other than feeling like we slip into some raw narration occasionally instead of the nice, flowing one-sided conversational tone we see for most of the piece, I really like what's going on here. Seeing Luna at work, making a strange new friend, getting a glimpse at the weird stuff going on with Dream Celestia, and a touch of world building with encroaching threats from a distant shadowy realm.
Solid work, would read again.
Solid work, would read again.
>>Xepher
Basically this. An intriguing experiment, very risky, but for me it didn't pan out as a success. I'm afraid I could barely even get through the whole thing. The second person, all dialogue, no quotation marks, rambling style just doesn't flow for me. My eyes and my mind need breaks, and better markers for which parts I need to read closely to keep track of what's going on among the Calloo Callays.
Better dynamic formatting and a more active protagonist might go a long way towards making this piece easier to follow In its current state, it comes off monotone all the way through. I don't get a good sense of rising action/climax/falling action, either in individual scenes or across the full story, and I think that's the big thing preventing me from getting into this.
Nice descriptive work, though. Clearly a lot of imagination here, and a good learning exercise. Attempting an unusual format and not completely trainwrecking is certainly worthy of some commendation! I'll have to think a bit about where to place this, probably somewhere in the mid tiers. Thanks for writing!
Basically this. An intriguing experiment, very risky, but for me it didn't pan out as a success. I'm afraid I could barely even get through the whole thing. The second person, all dialogue, no quotation marks, rambling style just doesn't flow for me. My eyes and my mind need breaks, and better markers for which parts I need to read closely to keep track of what's going on among the Calloo Callays.
Better dynamic formatting and a more active protagonist might go a long way towards making this piece easier to follow In its current state, it comes off monotone all the way through. I don't get a good sense of rising action/climax/falling action, either in individual scenes or across the full story, and I think that's the big thing preventing me from getting into this.
Nice descriptive work, though. Clearly a lot of imagination here, and a good learning exercise. Attempting an unusual format and not completely trainwrecking is certainly worthy of some commendation! I'll have to think a bit about where to place this, probably somewhere in the mid tiers. Thanks for writing!
See >>Xepher.
While you do a fine job writing in the chosen style, I feel this is a case where the chosen style still hurts you. A lot of Luna's monologue comes off sounding a bit odd as she describes things I really question why she'd be describing. Moreover, coming from a long history with jRPGs, I've kinda had my fill of silent mains forever. Finally, this honestly just rubs me a bit in the wrong way of feeling a lot like a bit of self-insert power fantasy with how the unnamed protagonist relates and succeeds.
Still, prose is good and the dreamscape as presented is interesting. I just think the format hurts it more than necessary.
While you do a fine job writing in the chosen style, I feel this is a case where the chosen style still hurts you. A lot of Luna's monologue comes off sounding a bit odd as she describes things I really question why she'd be describing. Moreover, coming from a long history with jRPGs, I've kinda had my fill of silent mains forever. Finally, this honestly just rubs me a bit in the wrong way of feeling a lot like a bit of self-insert power fantasy with how the unnamed protagonist relates and succeeds.
Still, prose is good and the dreamscape as presented is interesting. I just think the format hurts it more than necessary.