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The Last Shot
"It's ok, you got this."
"Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all!"
"I mean, there are only... five of them, right? You can take out five, even if there's only one bullet left."
"Wait, there are five now? Where are the other two?"
"Oh crap, I don't know! What do I do, what do I do?"
"Ugg, Watchdog would know what to do."
"Wait, that's it! I just need to think like Watchdog!"
"Ok, first he would assess the biggest threat and use the bullet to kill him, then use whatever's left to wipe out the others."
"What in this room is weaponizable? We've got a pipe wrench, that could be useful. Um, a bundle of rope, which isn't too bad. Oh, look, a knife! Crap, it's dull..."
"Hm, I've also got a slightly rotten table, but that wouldn't slow them down for long."
"I could tie the rope in front of the door and maybe trip one of them, use the table as a shield, throw the knife to distract, and hopefully injure the second guy, and then hit the third with the wrench... but that leaves two for hand to hand combat, and I don't think I can handle two."
"And what about the two that went missing, where are they?"
"Crap, I think I heard them! They're next door already!"
"Crapedy-crap-crap, this messes up everything!"
"Okay, deep breaths. Just think of what Watchdog would do. He... he would..."
"I don't know! I never payed attention in his class. It was at 0400, who could stay awake?"
"Well, I suppose that's obvious... the rest of my platoon since they knew what a "Code Lavender" meant."
"I mean, who would have thought "Code Lavender" meant get the hell out of there, isn't that what people use "Code Red" for? Really, "Code Lavender" sounds like an "all clear" code."
"Wait, that's off topic. I need to focus. Focus, focus, focus!"
"That's it! I don't need to think about what Watchdog would do, I need to think about what I would do! Who was the one who pranked every officer's cabin at the same time? Me."
"Who was the one to sneak a whoopie cushion under LaDeau's chair while he was sitting in it? Me."
"I just need to set this up as a prank. The rope can form a web across the doorway, slowing them down, the knife will swing down at them as a fake out, then I'll jump out and hit them with the pipe! It's genius! Just, you know, gotta set it up first..."
"Woohoo, yeah! It. Looks. Perfect."
"Yeah," said a voice behind me, "it does look pretty good. Too bad it was all for nothing." The click of a gun.
"Oh, fuc..."
"Nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all!"
"I mean, there are only... five of them, right? You can take out five, even if there's only one bullet left."
"Wait, there are five now? Where are the other two?"
"Oh crap, I don't know! What do I do, what do I do?"
"Ugg, Watchdog would know what to do."
"Wait, that's it! I just need to think like Watchdog!"
"Ok, first he would assess the biggest threat and use the bullet to kill him, then use whatever's left to wipe out the others."
"What in this room is weaponizable? We've got a pipe wrench, that could be useful. Um, a bundle of rope, which isn't too bad. Oh, look, a knife! Crap, it's dull..."
"Hm, I've also got a slightly rotten table, but that wouldn't slow them down for long."
"I could tie the rope in front of the door and maybe trip one of them, use the table as a shield, throw the knife to distract, and hopefully injure the second guy, and then hit the third with the wrench... but that leaves two for hand to hand combat, and I don't think I can handle two."
"And what about the two that went missing, where are they?"
"Crap, I think I heard them! They're next door already!"
"Crapedy-crap-crap, this messes up everything!"
"Okay, deep breaths. Just think of what Watchdog would do. He... he would..."
"I don't know! I never payed attention in his class. It was at 0400, who could stay awake?"
"Well, I suppose that's obvious... the rest of my platoon since they knew what a "Code Lavender" meant."
"I mean, who would have thought "Code Lavender" meant get the hell out of there, isn't that what people use "Code Red" for? Really, "Code Lavender" sounds like an "all clear" code."
"Wait, that's off topic. I need to focus. Focus, focus, focus!"
"That's it! I don't need to think about what Watchdog would do, I need to think about what I would do! Who was the one who pranked every officer's cabin at the same time? Me."
"Who was the one to sneak a whoopie cushion under LaDeau's chair while he was sitting in it? Me."
"I just need to set this up as a prank. The rope can form a web across the doorway, slowing them down, the knife will swing down at them as a fake out, then I'll jump out and hit them with the pipe! It's genius! Just, you know, gotta set it up first..."
"Woohoo, yeah! It. Looks. Perfect."
"Yeah," said a voice behind me, "it does look pretty good. Too bad it was all for nothing." The click of a gun.
"Oh, fuc..."
I feel like this is trying for subversion, but it doesn't actually do anything with the subversion? Like, the idea that pranks can compete with actual traps, but then there's a gun is clever, but after it's clever it just sorta fizzles out.
At first I thought this was all dialogue, but now I don't. It's more like… all monologue? And that's a bit odd. It's understandable, and I hope it was interesting as an exercise, but it feels rather artificial to me here.
At first I thought this was all dialogue, but now I don't. It's more like… all monologue? And that's a bit odd. It's understandable, and I hope it was interesting as an exercise, but it feels rather artificial to me here.
I feel the formatting of this story is unnecessarily confusing. It takes a couple of lines to realize that the main character is essentially talking to himself in a campy 1950s golden-age-of-comics-esque manner, and the story loses a lot of momentum from the get-go as a result. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a sort of wink-and-nod, like the fact that he's talking to himself is supposed to be funny or if it's supposed to be taken seriously.
The effect I get reading this is that it is intended to be a kind of parody of the stereotypical scene where the main hero is absent or indisposed, and the uncertain, slightly incompetent sidekick is given the reins, with a touch of Home Alone added in. But if that's the case, the whole scene is played far too straight to be comedic. Most of the observations are pretty mundane and serves more as exposition to describe the situation than a crafted joke. In particular, the bit with the Code Lavender seems like particularly extraneous and tedious framework to describe how and why the main character got in the situation he is in, which really isn't a point of interest for the reader. I read over that section, and asked myself, "Hm, but why does this matter?"
The ending line for the bad guy (I'm assuming) is also not nearly as punchy as it should be. It goes on just a bit too long to really leave an impact like a cool bad guy zinger should be. Or just a zinger in general. Because I assume that's supposed to be like a twist. Again I'm doing a lot of assuming here.
I think perhaps with a bit more refinement with the identity of this story and sharpness to the progression, it could be a serviceable little story, but as it stands, it's feels far too plodded for a minific.
The effect I get reading this is that it is intended to be a kind of parody of the stereotypical scene where the main hero is absent or indisposed, and the uncertain, slightly incompetent sidekick is given the reins, with a touch of Home Alone added in. But if that's the case, the whole scene is played far too straight to be comedic. Most of the observations are pretty mundane and serves more as exposition to describe the situation than a crafted joke. In particular, the bit with the Code Lavender seems like particularly extraneous and tedious framework to describe how and why the main character got in the situation he is in, which really isn't a point of interest for the reader. I read over that section, and asked myself, "Hm, but why does this matter?"
The ending line for the bad guy (I'm assuming) is also not nearly as punchy as it should be. It goes on just a bit too long to really leave an impact like a cool bad guy zinger should be. Or just a zinger in general. Because I assume that's supposed to be like a twist. Again I'm doing a lot of assuming here.
I think perhaps with a bit more refinement with the identity of this story and sharpness to the progression, it could be a serviceable little story, but as it stands, it's feels far too plodded for a minific.
This was a scene more than a story, and while I got some sense of the character, it lacked context.
Interesting experiment, but I found this very difficult to follow. It doesn't give me enough context to understand or care about what's going on. Some of it's gritty military, but there also seem to be superheroes...? Is it serious or comedy? Five of "them," five of what? What's the point of any of this? And so on.
I'm really not coming up with much more. Sorry, author, I wish I could give some better feedback here, but for me this wasn't very effective on any level and I'd have to make a lot of assumptions about what you were trying to do to even find a starting point for critique. Still, thank you for writing, and I hope you learned some things from the experiment!
I'm really not coming up with much more. Sorry, author, I wish I could give some better feedback here, but for me this wasn't very effective on any level and I'd have to make a lot of assumptions about what you were trying to do to even find a starting point for critique. Still, thank you for writing, and I hope you learned some things from the experiment!
Agreed with >>TitaniumDragon that this would have been better if we'd had more of a sense of place or context. As is, we're kind of unmoored in trying to interpret this.
While the all dialog format did work to get the information across, it lost some depth and tone that fully descriptions might've provided.
I did like the fellow's epiphany - it was fun seeing his mental state shift. From there you could've either played it straight, had reality kick in, or gone for a third option like you did.
The foreshadowing meant that this didn't come as a complete surprise, but agreed that the last guy needs to work on his one liners.
While the all dialog format did work to get the information across, it lost some depth and tone that fully descriptions might've provided.
I did like the fellow's epiphany - it was fun seeing his mental state shift. From there you could've either played it straight, had reality kick in, or gone for a third option like you did.
The foreshadowing meant that this didn't come as a complete surprise, but agreed that the last guy needs to work on his one liners.
That fact that I can't be sure this is one character until the end of the first scene is a real problem and one that really cripples the whole story. Basically, I'm not sure -why- this entire story is dialogue or what it actually gains from this format. Characterization is also a bit troubled by this as, despite having a lot of dialogue from him, we still don't learn that much about him?
And then... I dunno. I have nothing against some comic darkness and expectation defying, but in this case it isn't really... satisfying? Amusing? It mostly just feels meanspirited. This ends up being a story about a dope who gets shot in the back of the head and dies, which is not really an enjoyable/entertaining ending.
And then... I dunno. I have nothing against some comic darkness and expectation defying, but in this case it isn't really... satisfying? Amusing? It mostly just feels meanspirited. This ends up being a story about a dope who gets shot in the back of the head and dies, which is not really an enjoyable/entertaining ending.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Cassius
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Ranmilia
>>Ratlab
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks for all your feedback. I'm gonna be honest here, I wrote this mostly to get used to the Writeoff style. But, being the idiot I am, I decided to write it while doing other stuff. Which means I lost my train of thought ever three-or-so lines. Hence, the missing gun during the resolution.
I agree that it desperately needed some context, which I will have to consider next time I write. I also should have chosen a different format than I did, but it was the easiest to use with the breaks I was doing. And it really suffered for it.
Furthermore, I wasn't sure what tone I was going for while writing, which made it suffer. I also attempted to make the main character a female, without saying it was a female, and it didn't work at all.
So, yeah, once again... thank you all for your feedback.
>>Cassius
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Ranmilia
>>Ratlab
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks for all your feedback. I'm gonna be honest here, I wrote this mostly to get used to the Writeoff style. But, being the idiot I am, I decided to write it while doing other stuff. Which means I lost my train of thought ever three-or-so lines. Hence, the missing gun during the resolution.
I agree that it desperately needed some context, which I will have to consider next time I write. I also should have chosen a different format than I did, but it was the easiest to use with the breaks I was doing. And it really suffered for it.
Furthermore, I wasn't sure what tone I was going for while writing, which made it suffer. I also attempted to make the main character a female, without saying it was a female, and it didn't work at all.
So, yeah, once again... thank you all for your feedback.