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The Bargain
“It's so important to make a good first impression, isn't it?”
Simon froze at Darrah's words, the tincture he was working on forgotten as he turned to focus his attention on her. Lithe and a little younger than his own twenty years he supposed, though who knew with some of the magics available in this city, and with a little of the demon in her.
Whether that last was literally true was up for debate in his mind.
What was true was that he was having enough of these intrusion in his life.
“What are you doing here...again?” He thought to ask how she might have gotten in here, but he just as quickly remembered who he was dealing with.
Her expression took on a bit of shame; she crossed her arms over her chest and looked away.
Simon tried to look away himself, to keep his mind from the temptation presented. “I've talked to other about you.”
She sighed. “I assume many tales of me being a thief.”
He looked at her again, now that he had something to distract his mind. “You certainly act like one, breaking into my new home, intruding on my property.”
Darrah arched an eyebrow. “It won't be your property much longer, if you don't make a good impression on the city council. They can find other alchemists.”
Simon gave her a wry smile. “And you wish to help me like you helped Uncle Erasmus. For some of the 'benefits'?”
Darrah walked up to him, an almost animal grace in her steps until she was dangerously close. She smiled, but her eyes hardened a little. “Your uncle was a decent man, Simon, and our relationship was an honest one. I will not have anyone impugning his honor,” and now the smile disappeared, “or mine.”
She lingered there for a minute, and Simon could feel a chill go down his spine from somewhere. Yet again, there was the feeling that he was dealing with someone not quite human.
Then Darrah leaned back and looked at a shelf above Simon's head; she took a moment before picking up one of the small vials there. “I certainly 'obtained' enough of these materials for him to qualify as 'helping him with his work. I can help you with your work, just as I helped him.”
He inwardly sighed; he was going to have to say it, or they'd be there all night.
“You still want me to help find out who murdered my uncle?”
She heard the note of skepticism in his voice and frowned. Simon could see a little desperation in her eyes. “He was the only friend I had, and I knew him well enough to know he wouldn't kill himself. Someone wanted him dead, and I need to know who and why.”
There it was. The whole reason she had been barging into his life in the first place.
Only now, looking at her in the candlelight, Simon could notice even more the feeling of anxiousness in her stance. He felt a little sorry for her, but at the same time a slight resignation took hold of him.
She really wasn't going to leave him alone until this matter was settled, was she? And how much trouble was she going to cause for him in the meantime?
Still, he couldn't just agree to her terms immediately. “You're perfectly capable of going where you like. You've already proved that coming here.”
Darrah nodded at that. “But you can walk in circles I can't, not without stirring up more trouble that it's worth.”
Simon could imagine what circle she was talking about, and they weren't social. He looked back at the tincture he was making. “Can you provide proof that he was murdered? I mean real proof, not accusations?”
The slightest hint of a smile crept onto Darrah's lips, and Simon could see her stance loosen a little.
“I can show you later.” She held one hand to stop his protests and pointed to a book on a nearby shelf. “That one over there. It contains Erasmus's list of clients and the potions he was giving them.”
Then she made her way over to the table he was working on and looked at the tinctures with what seemed to be a practiced eye.
“And as for this...”
And as she stood there, an actual smile on her face that was a mix of grateful and feral, Simon couldn't help but wonder what he'd gotten himself into.
Simon froze at Darrah's words, the tincture he was working on forgotten as he turned to focus his attention on her. Lithe and a little younger than his own twenty years he supposed, though who knew with some of the magics available in this city, and with a little of the demon in her.
Whether that last was literally true was up for debate in his mind.
What was true was that he was having enough of these intrusion in his life.
“What are you doing here...again?” He thought to ask how she might have gotten in here, but he just as quickly remembered who he was dealing with.
Her expression took on a bit of shame; she crossed her arms over her chest and looked away.
Simon tried to look away himself, to keep his mind from the temptation presented. “I've talked to other about you.”
She sighed. “I assume many tales of me being a thief.”
He looked at her again, now that he had something to distract his mind. “You certainly act like one, breaking into my new home, intruding on my property.”
Darrah arched an eyebrow. “It won't be your property much longer, if you don't make a good impression on the city council. They can find other alchemists.”
Simon gave her a wry smile. “And you wish to help me like you helped Uncle Erasmus. For some of the 'benefits'?”
Darrah walked up to him, an almost animal grace in her steps until she was dangerously close. She smiled, but her eyes hardened a little. “Your uncle was a decent man, Simon, and our relationship was an honest one. I will not have anyone impugning his honor,” and now the smile disappeared, “or mine.”
She lingered there for a minute, and Simon could feel a chill go down his spine from somewhere. Yet again, there was the feeling that he was dealing with someone not quite human.
Then Darrah leaned back and looked at a shelf above Simon's head; she took a moment before picking up one of the small vials there. “I certainly 'obtained' enough of these materials for him to qualify as 'helping him with his work. I can help you with your work, just as I helped him.”
He inwardly sighed; he was going to have to say it, or they'd be there all night.
“You still want me to help find out who murdered my uncle?”
She heard the note of skepticism in his voice and frowned. Simon could see a little desperation in her eyes. “He was the only friend I had, and I knew him well enough to know he wouldn't kill himself. Someone wanted him dead, and I need to know who and why.”
There it was. The whole reason she had been barging into his life in the first place.
Only now, looking at her in the candlelight, Simon could notice even more the feeling of anxiousness in her stance. He felt a little sorry for her, but at the same time a slight resignation took hold of him.
She really wasn't going to leave him alone until this matter was settled, was she? And how much trouble was she going to cause for him in the meantime?
Still, he couldn't just agree to her terms immediately. “You're perfectly capable of going where you like. You've already proved that coming here.”
Darrah nodded at that. “But you can walk in circles I can't, not without stirring up more trouble that it's worth.”
Simon could imagine what circle she was talking about, and they weren't social. He looked back at the tincture he was making. “Can you provide proof that he was murdered? I mean real proof, not accusations?”
The slightest hint of a smile crept onto Darrah's lips, and Simon could see her stance loosen a little.
“I can show you later.” She held one hand to stop his protests and pointed to a book on a nearby shelf. “That one over there. It contains Erasmus's list of clients and the potions he was giving them.”
Then she made her way over to the table he was working on and looked at the tinctures with what seemed to be a practiced eye.
“And as for this...”
And as she stood there, an actual smile on her face that was a mix of grateful and feral, Simon couldn't help but wonder what he'd gotten himself into.
I think you may have left the rest of the story at home, because it's not here.
Yeah, I totally agree, and I'm not gonna say this is a bad first impression, but why this first impression? What follows is a stupendous whimsical adventure of alka seltzer alchemists dune buggying deserts drip dropping magic and explosions, and you're gonna pull me into your story with a vanilla conversation between two whoevers talking about did-she did-she-not sleep with someone I don't care about? Are you telling me about the most interesting day in this guy's life? Why not?
My socks are ready and willing to come off, man. Blow 'em away. I know nothing about the narrator, but I am getting some decent bits of character out of Magic Cat Woman. For so little words, do we need him at all. She's more interesting, she's got more pizzazz, and if she was starring in a musical, I'd be more likely to buy a ticket.
This is one of the few descriptions that really stood out to me. I don't know what animal grace is, but I want to know more. Drop some of the femme fatale cliches and pick up a few more of these weird descriptors.
“It's so important to make a good first impression, isn't it?”
Yeah, I totally agree, and I'm not gonna say this is a bad first impression, but why this first impression? What follows is a stupendous whimsical adventure of alka seltzer alchemists dune buggying deserts drip dropping magic and explosions, and you're gonna pull me into your story with a vanilla conversation between two whoevers talking about did-she did-she-not sleep with someone I don't care about? Are you telling me about the most interesting day in this guy's life? Why not?
My socks are ready and willing to come off, man. Blow 'em away. I know nothing about the narrator, but I am getting some decent bits of character out of Magic Cat Woman. For so little words, do we need him at all. She's more interesting, she's got more pizzazz, and if she was starring in a musical, I'd be more likely to buy a ticket.
Darrah walked up to him, an almost animal grace in her steps
This is one of the few descriptions that really stood out to me. I don't know what animal grace is, but I want to know more. Drop some of the femme fatale cliches and pick up a few more of these weird descriptors.
You're a tease author you know that?
That story is very dense, there are a lot of informations conveyed. I must say they are ingeniously conveyed, disseminated here and there for my greatest pleasure, avoiding bluntly shoving them right into my face. But, oh boy, you cant' read this story with only one eye or else, you're gonna miss an important information.
As for the dialog between Simon and Darrah, it was great. Like I said, their interaction delivers some of the required informations but at the same time, it feels like a natural conversation they could have. You managed a good balanced between the two so good job for that.
Now if I called you a tease, it's because the story felt like an awesome beginning to something way bigger. Here, I'm left with only the premise of an awesome adventure, the duo trying to unveil the truth about Erasmus' death.
Indeed, and you managed to do that for me, however, I'm frustrated that it ends too soon. So probably ranked between top contender or top mid-tier.
That story is very dense, there are a lot of informations conveyed. I must say they are ingeniously conveyed, disseminated here and there for my greatest pleasure, avoiding bluntly shoving them right into my face. But, oh boy, you cant' read this story with only one eye or else, you're gonna miss an important information.
As for the dialog between Simon and Darrah, it was great. Like I said, their interaction delivers some of the required informations but at the same time, it feels like a natural conversation they could have. You managed a good balanced between the two so good job for that.
Now if I called you a tease, it's because the story felt like an awesome beginning to something way bigger. Here, I'm left with only the premise of an awesome adventure, the duo trying to unveil the truth about Erasmus' death.
“It's so important to make a good first impression, isn't it?”
Indeed, and you managed to do that for me, however, I'm frustrated that it ends too soon. So probably ranked between top contender or top mid-tier.
If this were a contest for opening scenes, this fic would definitely be near the top. But as it's a contest for stories, it definitely falls short. Granted, it's probably impossible to tell a complete murder/mystery/revenge story in 750 words, but that's a composition challenge authors must face and defeat. This story doesn't even try.
Fourth-ing the other comments. This is not an unpleasant read, but my single most important criterion when evaluating minis is "was the author able to form a complete story arc that fits within the strict confines of the mini format?" Completing a scene is not the same as completing a story. So... well, you get the picture, probably a lower-mid placement from me. I'll especially agree with >>HoofBitingActionOverload regarding this being one of the least exciting scenes from the imaginary novel to show, if you had to pick only one.
One other thing I noticed is that past the introduction, almost every non-dialogue sentence falls back on a basic "subject verbed object" structure. Try and keep an eye on that while writing, and review your paragraphs now and then to see if they could benefit from some variance. (From that and the "two characters meet and talk" setup, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and peg the author as very character-centric, possibly with a history of roleplaying?)
Anyhow, maybe try some planning exercises in the future before you start writing a piece? Try and tell the best, most interesting story you can of whatever it is you want to write about, and make sure you keep it complete and contained, with a resolution that can satisfy readers even if we never hear of these characters or ideas again. Thanks for writing!
One other thing I noticed is that past the introduction, almost every non-dialogue sentence falls back on a basic "subject verbed object" structure. Try and keep an eye on that while writing, and review your paragraphs now and then to see if they could benefit from some variance. (From that and the "two characters meet and talk" setup, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and peg the author as very character-centric, possibly with a history of roleplaying?)
Anyhow, maybe try some planning exercises in the future before you start writing a piece? Try and tell the best, most interesting story you can of whatever it is you want to write about, and make sure you keep it complete and contained, with a resolution that can satisfy readers even if we never hear of these characters or ideas again. Thanks for writing!
>>HoofBitingActionOverload
>>Fenton
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ranmilia
Thanks to the people who made comments on my entry. Whether you liked it, hated it, or thought it a general waste of your time, I'm happy for any feedback.
From what I get from the comments, it seems I know how to put two or more words together, and that I seem to do pretty well with dialogue. I'll also mention that this time I avoided the ofttimes 'trap' of a twist ending (I ran into that problem the last time I participated in these contests), so I can learn from my mistakes.
As for the criticism, when I look over my entry now after reading them I realize that I did make a lot of mistakes on it:
For one thing, the characters are barely defined at all. Darrah has little to distinguish her from any other femme fatale types; I ran right into the trap of using a stereotype to do my character description for me, as opposed to describing a character that could be placed into a stereotypical category. And poor Simon has pretty much no description or characterization at all; he's essentially a talking stage prop.
Another thing I noticed was that my characters weren't interacting with the background, nor was it interacting with them. It was just a flat, colorless set piece that could have been anything at all for all the effect it had on the story.
The worst part, and this is one of the things that makes my entry fall flat, is that the characters aren't doing anything. They're not trying to achieve a concrete objective, whether that's something physical or verbal/mental. Take away the one element of Darrah making some sort of offer (which I haven't shown she can keep) and they might as well be sitting on a park bench, talking about the weather and putting the audience to sleep.
Lastly, instead of making a short story (possibly) connected to a larger world, I lost focus and made that world intrude too much into the narrative. I should have made Darrah and Simon do something small (say, him trying to brew a difficult potion while she tried to 'help' him) and then have the whole murder plot thing be a 'by the way...' stinger in the last sentence, if I bothered to mention it at all.
This entry sounded a lot better at the time I was writing it. I thought I was being so clever...
I just hope I didn't offend anyone with it; this contest is for stories, not scenes, and I'd hate to have unintentionally slapped the other writers in in this round the face.
Well, hopefully I can be more on target next time.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and commenting. It's given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate it. :)
>>Fenton
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ranmilia
Thanks to the people who made comments on my entry. Whether you liked it, hated it, or thought it a general waste of your time, I'm happy for any feedback.
From what I get from the comments, it seems I know how to put two or more words together, and that I seem to do pretty well with dialogue. I'll also mention that this time I avoided the ofttimes 'trap' of a twist ending (I ran into that problem the last time I participated in these contests), so I can learn from my mistakes.
As for the criticism, when I look over my entry now after reading them I realize that I did make a lot of mistakes on it:
For one thing, the characters are barely defined at all. Darrah has little to distinguish her from any other femme fatale types; I ran right into the trap of using a stereotype to do my character description for me, as opposed to describing a character that could be placed into a stereotypical category. And poor Simon has pretty much no description or characterization at all; he's essentially a talking stage prop.
Another thing I noticed was that my characters weren't interacting with the background, nor was it interacting with them. It was just a flat, colorless set piece that could have been anything at all for all the effect it had on the story.
The worst part, and this is one of the things that makes my entry fall flat, is that the characters aren't doing anything. They're not trying to achieve a concrete objective, whether that's something physical or verbal/mental. Take away the one element of Darrah making some sort of offer (which I haven't shown she can keep) and they might as well be sitting on a park bench, talking about the weather and putting the audience to sleep.
Lastly, instead of making a short story (possibly) connected to a larger world, I lost focus and made that world intrude too much into the narrative. I should have made Darrah and Simon do something small (say, him trying to brew a difficult potion while she tried to 'help' him) and then have the whole murder plot thing be a 'by the way...' stinger in the last sentence, if I bothered to mention it at all.
This entry sounded a lot better at the time I was writing it. I thought I was being so clever...
I just hope I didn't offend anyone with it; this contest is for stories, not scenes, and I'd hate to have unintentionally slapped the other writers in in this round the face.
Well, hopefully I can be more on target next time.
Anyway, thanks again for reading and commenting. It's given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate it. :)