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So this is someone dying of frostbite/hypothermia, right? I like the imagery. The structure isn't buying a lot, as there isn't a meter, and there's only one rhyme per stanza. Plus "fetus/greets us" is a weak rhyme.
The line that stood out to me is the one about lamb to the slaughter, because that seems to imply the person's fate is intentional, though I don't understand how. It wasn't until the end of that stanza it became apparent what was happening.
The last stanza is easily the best. It employs a lot of literary devices, and it juxtaposes a lot of incongruous things. Like I don't see how snowfall would fit with crumbling, unless it's actually an avalanche, but I still like the mood and image that creates. The silent frown, too, since frowns are silent by nature, so I don't understand why it's necessary to point that out, but I think that kind of dissonance is deliberate here. By the end, this really comes to its full potential.
The line that stood out to me is the one about lamb to the slaughter, because that seems to imply the person's fate is intentional, though I don't understand how. It wasn't until the end of that stanza it became apparent what was happening.
The last stanza is easily the best. It employs a lot of literary devices, and it juxtaposes a lot of incongruous things. Like I don't see how snowfall would fit with crumbling, unless it's actually an avalanche, but I still like the mood and image that creates. The silent frown, too, since frowns are silent by nature, so I don't understand why it's necessary to point that out, but I think that kind of dissonance is deliberate here. By the end, this really comes to its full potential.
I really like the tight, staccato feel of each line. There's a punchiness here that comes through nicely, even though I would have liked just a little more definition in regards to the meter/syllable-count. The imagery is an overall hit for me, which really helps cement that the mood down.
I think I had a bit of trouble with understanding the last stanza, though. >>Pascoite touches on it a little bit, and while I agree with him that this is supposed to be describing an avalanche, I can't help but feel that I'm missing something that links this to the previous stanzas. It's a cost of dedicating yourself to the short-and-punchy style—sometimes not all of your meaning comes through.
Overall, though, I already mentioned that the mood and the imagery worked for me, so I ended up considering this piece as one of my favorites from this round.
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I think I had a bit of trouble with understanding the last stanza, though. >>Pascoite touches on it a little bit, and while I agree with him that this is supposed to be describing an avalanche, I can't help but feel that I'm missing something that links this to the previous stanzas. It's a cost of dedicating yourself to the short-and-punchy style—sometimes not all of your meaning comes through.
Overall, though, I already mentioned that the mood and the imagery worked for me, so I ended up considering this piece as one of my favorites from this round.
Thanks for entering!
Terse prose tries madly to unbend
Curls of thought like dried-up bugs
Mortality is corruption. So we end
With one last downer simile. Hugs!
Curls of thought like dried-up bugs
Mortality is corruption. So we end
With one last downer simile. Hugs!