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In Name Only · Original Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Hangman
The teacher was about to explain how to carry out multiple digit divisions when someone knocked at the door of the classroom. The door cracked open and the silhouette of the director appeared in the chink. “Mrs. Bell?” he called from the corridor. “May I see you for a short while? Urgent matter. It won’t take long.”

“Certainly,” Mrs. Bell replied. “Please excuse me just for a second.” Turning back to the class, “While I’m away why don’t you play… hangman?” she proposed.

“YEEEES!” all the class shouted.

The teacher smiled, and drew out the roll-call list from a drawer. She stood up, shut her eyes and let a pen fall on the paper. “Today,” she announced, “the guesser will be Dave!”

Dave’s face crumpled. He stood up. “No, please, please, someone else. I don’t want—”

“Tsk tsk!” Mrs. Bell interrupted. “You know the rules of the game. Be brave, kid. You’re smart, I’m sure you’ll beat it. Now, who wants to be the leader?”

A dozen hands rose up. “Betty!” the teacher called. “You’re on.”

Blond, blue-eyed Betty was by far the class’s most despicable girl. She simpered, stood up and strutted to the teacher’s desk.

“Have fun!” Mrs. Bell said. She walked out, closing the door behind her.

Betty picked up a chalk and drew ten dashes on the blackboard. She then looked at the wall clock above it. “You have five minutes,” she said. “First guess?”

“E!” Dave said lamely.

Betty drew the first line of the hangman.




The five minutes were almost over. The hangman was nearly complete, but for its two legs.

“I!” Dave proposed.

Betty drew an “I” over the third from last dash. CO_ULA_ION was now written on the blackboard.

Dave suddenly blushed. He muttered something no one heard.

“What?” Betty said. “I can’t hear you. Louder, will you?”

“I… I…” Dave’s face was scarlet now.

“You already picked ‘I’,” Betty said, grinning. “Try something else.”

“IT’S OVER!!!” Brice shouted from his desk, pointing at the wall clock. “HE HAS LOST!”

“Too bad for you, Dave!” Betty said cooly. “The word was ‘copulation’, you moron. Hang him!”

Suddenly they were all on him. He fought back, randomly punched and kicked everyone around him, but he was quickly overcome by pelting blows. He collapsed on the floor, a blubbering being of pain. They took him ruthlessly by the armpits and lugged him out of the classroom into the playground, where the gallows sat. The noose had already been prepared, together with the stool beneath it. Dave didn’t even protest when they hauled him on to it, and carefully adjusted the noose around his neck.

Betty took a step forward out of the crowd. “Any last word you want to say? A final message to your parents?” she asked.

Dave was kneeling on the stool, his head lowered, his hair matted with blood streaming from his wounds. “I… I… don’t want to die… Please! Let me live,” he bleated between his sobs.

“Poor dearie!” Betty scoffed. “The world has no need for chickenshits like you. Goodbye Dave!”

She made a gesture, and James kicked the stool away. There was a sharp snap as the noose tightened around the neck. A few seconds later, Dave had turned into a limp puppet swinging helplessly at the end of the rope.

For a while they stood here, fascinated, their eyes fixed on the corpse. Then they turned away, one after another, and shuffled silently back to the classroom. They sat at their desks, waiting for the teacher to come back.

Mrs. Bell appeared a couple of minutes later. “So… How did it turn out?” she asked. “Did he— oh oh!” she said, when she saw the empty chair where Dave used to seat.

“He lost,” Betty confirmed.

“F—” Mrs. Bell put her hand over her mouth. “Darn,” she corrected. “How am I going to break that to his parents.”

There was an embarrassing hush.

“Did he at least come close?” she asked.

“Frankly,” Betty answered, “he never stood a chance.”
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#1 · 1
· · >>Miller Minus >>Monokeras
Edgy.

I could go on a more in-depth critique on this, but it would be a merely be a more long-winded exercise in explaining two basic points:

1. The "twist" or "reveal" or whatever you would like the coin the abrupt tone shift is far too obvious to the reader in the setup, and something fails to be shocking when it's expected.
2. It doesn't lean into being either a dark comedy or a horror to be squarely in either genre, and therefore doesn't really have any solid sense of tone, nor can the reader derive anything meaningful about the situation outside it simply being a series of events.
#2 · 1
· · >>Monokeras
Alternate Title: The Greta Van Fleet of WriteOff Entries

God, I don't like this.

Mind you, it's not because it's sloppy on a technical level (the text is pretty polished, so it at least has that going for it), nor is it because this is the kind of thing that a typically morbid teenager would write.

No, it's because it's the kind of thing a typically morbid teenager whose imagination is extremely limited would write. It's been a minute since I've reviewed a WriteOff entry this predictable. Mind you, there are a few entries this round that could use more spontaneity in their plot structures, but "The Hangman" is edgy to the point of tedium.

What is the point here? To shock readers? To creep them out? There are a couple entries this round that are genuinely creepy, and this isn't one of them.

It feels like a story that was simply conceived for no... raisin.

And thus I feel no reason to continue this review.
#3 · 1
· · >>Monokeras
I want to start off by saying that this is more predictable than it should have been since the title of the prompt was basically “everything was not as it seems”.

The Lottery is a short story which my class just reviewed a couple of weeks ago, dealing with the slow and arduous reveal of what is actually happening in this cozy little town, and when you find out what has really happened, the reveal is at the very very end, lacking any real gore. I have to admit that my eyes completely skimmed the last few paragraphs to find out what the teacher says in the end. The gore isn’t necessary to the overall enjoyment of the story and doesn’t really hit home the density of the situation.

The Lottery was more of a character study and slice of life- they played it like it was just a normal game and a normal Sunday.

The pace of the story is really fast and leaves me wind blown in the end.

Also, “the hangman” is a title made to draw suspicion while “the lottery” has connotation to evoke joy in a harmless activity.

Keep making stories, though! I like the teacher’s reaction at the end and the quick but full description of the classroom and kids. ;)
#4 · 2
· · >>Pascoite >>Monokeras
Let's play "good news, bad news," author!

Bad news: this isn't working for me either, as currently written. Good news: there's a single, specific, fixable reason that this didn't work for me. Bad news: it'll probably require a complete overhaul to address. Good news: You're probably much closer to that working story than you think.

The specific thing that holds this back, I think:

Turning back to the class, “While I’m away why don’t you play… hangman?” she proposed.


He fought back, randomly punched and kicked everyone around him, but he was quickly overcome by pelting blows. He collapsed on the floor, a blubbering being of pain. They took him ruthlessly by the armpits and lugged him out of the classroom into the playground, where the gallows sat.


Dave was kneeling on the stool, his head lowered, his hair matted with blood streaming from his wounds. “I… I… don’t want to die… Please! Let me live,” he bleated between his sobs.


For a while they stood here, fascinated, their eyes fixed on the corpse. Then they turned away, one after another, and shuffled silently back to the classroom.


“He lost,” Betty confirmed.

“F—” Mrs. Bell put her hand over her mouth. “Darn,” she corrected. “How am I going to break that to his parents.”


… is that it seesaws back and forth between a world where schoolyard hangings based on losing a game are commonplace and casual, and a world where that is shocking and unusual.

Those two worlds can't coexist in the same story.

A world where there are preconstructed gallows in the playground is not a world where the teacher has to figure out how to explain the situation to Dave's parents. A world where Mrs. Bell chose the game and the victim herself is not a world where she has to figure out how to explain the situation.

This applies to the kids' behavior, too. If Dave knows that the penalty for guessing wrong is death, that's going to be a REALLY big factor in whether he says an embarrassing word to solve the puzzle or not. (I should point out, I think that angle is great — but more on that in a bit.) If the kids are gleeful enough to string him up onto the gallows themselves, they're not going to "shuffle silently back to the classroom" like they just did something wrong. If this is a world where "Hangman" is common, have them react like it is!

So the core problem here is: figure out whether this is a casually murderous world or not, and then line the rest of the story up behind it. Figure out the motivations that drive everyone in the story. And I think that's why this has a lot of potential when you do — because you've already got the core of the plotline aligned with a pretty compelling take on that story.

To wit:
I'm seeing some pretty clear signs that Dave is being bullied here. I like the implication that they picked "copulation" specifically to harass him — his blushing, Betty's grinning, the class' decision to rush him en masse, Brice stopping him on time instead of failing him due to wrong guesses. And I think that's what could make this really work.

Picture this — hanging is a known and accepted possibility, but everyone expects Dave to guess right, because if this game is common, then the sort of person who isn't smart enough to win consistently would have died back in kindergarten.

At that point, the game just becomes a tactic in an ongoing bullying campaign — Betty picks the most humiliating word she can get him to say out loud, knowing that he'll have no choice but to say it, so that they can tease him for the next month about having sex on the brain. And Dave knows that that's what's going to happen. So instead, he chooses the schoolyard equivalent of suicide by cop, refusing to play along — maybe hoping that he can get them in trouble for their actions, maybe just giving up to avoid the torment.

I hope that's a useful idea. In the meantime, thank you for contributing! All of us — not just you — should remember that we're all here in good faith, to figure out what works and what doesn't, and there's no shame in having written a story which isn't quite coming together yet. The best way to figure out what works and what doesn't is by pushing on the boundaries to see what breaks.

Final thought:
“I… I…” Dave’s face was scarlet now.

“You already picked ‘I’,” Betty said, grinning. “Try something else.”


I don't know if you'd be able to keep these lines if you edited to match my suggestion above — there isn't as much room for Dave to hesitate if he's deliberately throwing the game. But I wanted to single them out anyway, because I think they're a great exchange.
#5 ·
· · >>Monokeras
I am not 100% convinced that this is a serious entry, but in case it is, all I'll say is that I think >>Cassius's second point is your first step here. To his first point... I don't know, the reveal is kind of halfway through the story, which makes me think you aren't intending to write it as a twist, and I think it can still work just fine once point 2 is addressed, and we are feeling what you want us to be feeling.

Also:

She made a gesture, and James kicked the stool away


The story kind of ended here. The additional paragraphs don't really add anything.
#6 ·
· · >>Monokeras
That last line doesn't really land. In fact, a lot of the ending doesn't. You could have ended it significantly earlier and had it be punchier as a result.

It's just kind of ridiculous, and that disarms (or is disarmed by) the fact that you telegraph the ending so early on. The fact that the kids are willing to go to these lengths is no longer a surprise then, and you've lost the story's purpose.

It also can't quite decide what perspective it's in. At first, it seems to be from Dave's, with lines like:
Blond, blue-eyed Betty was by far the class’s most despicable girl.

But by the end, it's feeling more omniscient. It can't be in Dave's head anymore, since it continues on past his death.

I think the teacher's reaction is really fighting the story, though. First, it's not really tonally consistent with how she teased Dave's potential fate upon leaving the room. Then at the end, she seems less flippant about it. Not with the gravity a normal person would show, of course, but she at least recognizes it's problematic.

In fact, this raises lots of world-building questions, but ones I'm not sure it would be a good idea for the story to answer. Like how this obviously isn't the first time this has happened, so it must be acceptable in the world at large? Otherwise why would the parents let their kids attend here?

All that adds up to something tonally inconsistent, but >>horizon has already covered in depth what the dichotomies are between this being horror or comedy, and between this being an egregious application of punishment or the norm.

As it is, I'll just say that it appears to exist for no more reason than shock value, and when the source of shock is easy to figure out from the beginning, it's lost even that.
#7 · 2
· · >>Monokeras
This story is mean.

Generally a story has a... well. Point. Something it wants to say or communicate and this... unless you really want to go on the metaphor train doesn't really feel like it has one. It is just snarky, shockingly cruel, then snarky again.

Tonally it is really jarring because you go from kinda jokey to MURDER to kinda jokey again. And that ends up not really aligning because the MURDER is portrayed so deadly straight and ugly that it is impossible to go smoothly from one mood to the other. And the other inconsistencies do kind of add up. Like, being embarrassed about saying copulation is one thing. Being so embarrassed you get yourself killed over it is another.

I'm also not really sure of the significance of the final line. It sounds like it is supposed to be delivered as a real zinger, but I'm not seeing what the connection to anything to make it a zinger actually is.

Now, all that said, there is a read here that I think works better which is that this is supposed to be more a metaphorical story about public performance in school and the cruelty of other kids, but... eh? I dunno, it doesn't feel like it gels well there because in that case it feels like it should be centered more on Jack as the actual protagonist rather than this sort of omniscent view of what's going down around since, as we are, we are kinda disconnected from Dave's plight. I dunno. I think it's a reasonable read on what was attempted, but I have a hard time articulating why I don't think it really works in that function. *shrug emoji*

Prompt relevance... this is kind of literally the opposite of the prompt. Normal Hangman is in name only. This is pretty literal. :p Not sure how I count prompt inversion!