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i don't know
the universe is too damn big.
way too damn big.
have you been to a dark sky park at night?
stars stars stars stars stars, each a sun,
all flecks of white dye, dying against emptiness.
how could anything be so vast?
the universe is too damn big.
it’s an ocean,
(lost at sea)
the stars can’t guide you, because they’ve got their own lives.
they’re busy and they’ve got work
and weddings
and graduations
and they’re leaving you behind.
there’s just too much of it;
don’t be selfish!
because there’s not enough of it either.
think about those less fortunate than you, and be
happy
with what you think you have.
the fucking universe is big,
and it doesn’t really particularly
pay very much
attention to
you.
… the nagging feeling
take a drink,
reset,
cover it up.
go to sleep,
reset,
cover it up.
get a routine,
reset,
cover it up.
… the nagging feeling that you don’t matter
cover it up cover it up cover it up,
a layer of perfectly smooth whiteout.
it’s like you couldn’t tell it was ever
there.
beneath.
ennui is a word that
assholes
and french philosophers
and weak people use.
the nagging feeling isn’t there if you don’t think about it.
the universe is too damn
small,
it’s too crowded in here,
let me out, let me out,
LET ME OUT.
the universe is too small
because why else wouldn’t there be a place for me that wasn’t already taken?
whatever size the universe is,
it’s clearly not the fucking right one.
i should have been consulted.
(my opinion matters, damn it.)
people are the words we speak
and think
and ponder
and hear
and i take whiteout and just
cover up
the nasty words.
but i’m starting be afraid that
all these words i’m covering up
actually are beginning to mean something
about me.
how many layers of whiteout does it take to ruin a page?
way too damn big.
have you been to a dark sky park at night?
stars stars stars stars stars, each a sun,
all flecks of white dye, dying against emptiness.
how could anything be so vast?
the universe is too damn big.
it’s an ocean,
(lost at sea)
the stars can’t guide you, because they’ve got their own lives.
they’re busy and they’ve got work
and weddings
and graduations
and they’re leaving you behind.
there’s just too much of it;
don’t be selfish!
because there’s not enough of it either.
think about those less fortunate than you, and be
happy
with what you think you have.
the fucking universe is big,
and it doesn’t really particularly
pay very much
attention to
you.
… the nagging feeling
take a drink,
reset,
cover it up.
go to sleep,
reset,
cover it up.
get a routine,
reset,
cover it up.
… the nagging feeling that you don’t matter
cover it up cover it up cover it up,
a layer of perfectly smooth whiteout.
it’s like you couldn’t tell it was ever
there.
beneath.
ennui is a word that
assholes
and french philosophers
and weak people use.
the nagging feeling isn’t there if you don’t think about it.
the universe is too damn
small,
it’s too crowded in here,
let me out, let me out,
LET ME OUT.
the universe is too small
because why else wouldn’t there be a place for me that wasn’t already taken?
whatever size the universe is,
it’s clearly not the fucking right one.
i should have been consulted.
(my opinion matters, damn it.)
people are the words we speak
and think
and ponder
and hear
and i take whiteout and just
cover up
the nasty words.
but i’m starting be afraid that
all these words i’m covering up
actually are beginning to mean something
about me.
how many layers of whiteout does it take to ruin a page?
I like the sentiment and the switch in mood here. The progression of the speaker's attitude is interesting to follow. If I have a complaint, it's that I don't see what being poetry buys you. If this was a prose monologue, it would be just as effective, so I don't get what being cast as verse does to enhance it. Where the line breaks occur, where the stanza breaks occur, none of that has any apparent meaning to me. Like how you put "happy" on a line by itself. I have to think that was a very deliberate decision, but I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of it.
Aside from not understanding why this needs to be poetry, I enjoyed it.
Aside from not understanding why this needs to be poetry, I enjoyed it.
Nice:
I'm here once again, though, advocating for more structure. Like >>Pascoite says, make the line breaks and stanza breaks matter, but also make the word arrangement matter. As the universe gets smaller, for instance, take a word away from the phrase at each step: start with "the fucking universe is too damn big", then the next time have "the fucking universe is too big", then "the fucking universe is big", then at the switch in the middle of the poem it's just "the fucking universe". Maybe then expand the phrase back out each time with "small" from the middle to the end and tie that to the idea of the words we speak, throwing words up like load-bearing walls in an effort to keep the universe from collapsing around us.
I'd also suggest adding the word "whiteout" to the first stanza, maybe after the white dye/dying line. Use the repeated words to make the structure that the poem spins around.
Mike
I'm here once again, though, advocating for more structure. Like >>Pascoite says, make the line breaks and stanza breaks matter, but also make the word arrangement matter. As the universe gets smaller, for instance, take a word away from the phrase at each step: start with "the fucking universe is too damn big", then the next time have "the fucking universe is too big", then "the fucking universe is big", then at the switch in the middle of the poem it's just "the fucking universe". Maybe then expand the phrase back out each time with "small" from the middle to the end and tie that to the idea of the words we speak, throwing words up like load-bearing walls in an effort to keep the universe from collapsing around us.
I'd also suggest adding the word "whiteout" to the first stanza, maybe after the white dye/dying line. Use the repeated words to make the structure that the poem spins around.
Mike
This one's pretty ambitious with the mood it's going for and all of the different threads it tries to tie together. And I think I like the general scope of it.
Again, when it comes to free verse, things tend to be very subjective/personal, but I think my gut reaction is that this could use tidying up. I think I can kind of tell when and where you tried to inject some structure, but overall as a whole, it still comes across as relatively boneless. Which gives the piece a kind of meandering feeling that's hard to shake.
So in the end, I'd say to spend a little more time touching up on the parallelisms and repetitions to try to make them more of a contributing factor.
Thanks for entering!
Again, when it comes to free verse, things tend to be very subjective/personal, but I think my gut reaction is that this could use tidying up. I think I can kind of tell when and where you tried to inject some structure, but overall as a whole, it still comes across as relatively boneless. Which gives the piece a kind of meandering feeling that's hard to shake.
So in the end, I'd say to spend a little more time touching up on the parallelisms and repetitions to try to make them more of a contributing factor.
Thanks for entering!
when ideas are too damned big
to be dammed
they stretch over the page
and wander where there is room
and there is the nagging feeling
as new groups added
and schedules expand
without letup
...the nagging feeling that no time is enough.
How many layers of writeoff does it take to slay an idea?
to be dammed
they stretch over the page
and wander where there is room
and there is the nagging feeling
as new groups added
and schedules expand
without letup
...the nagging feeling that no time is enough.
How many layers of writeoff does it take to slay an idea?