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Comforting Colds
“Nurse Redheart,” said Twilight, “I’m here for reading to the foals.”
“Ah, Princess Twilight! I’ll bring you to the room right away. Though…”
“‘Though’ what?”
“I just... wanted to ask you... it’s not important. Let’s get you to those foals then, shall we?.”
“No,” Twilight said too quickly. “Well, what I mean is, I’d like to answer your question first, if possible.”
“Well, alright. I just wanted to ask you how you have time to read here every week?”
“Oh, Nurse Redheart, I always make time for my friends.”
“Yes, but... you’ve never even met most of these foals, how can you be friends with them?” Redheart’s eyebrows were raised, he lips pursed.
“Just because I’ve never met them doesn’t mean they can’t be my friends,” Twilight spewed out. “I always count everypony as a friend until proven otherwise.”
“Princess Twilight, I mean no disrespect, but if you could everypony as a friend, and you always make time for friends, that brings us back to the original question: how do you have time for everypony?”
“I... I don’t know. I just do. There’s no method to it, I just always have enough time in my schedule for whenever somepony needs help.”
“Do you think it’s possible, and I’m sorry for even suggesting such a thing, that you’re favoring certain ponies over others?”
“What? No! That can’t be possible, I treat everypony the same way, no matter what.”
“Princess, just last week you were reading here for over 10 hours. Was there really nothing else to be done during that time?”
“I don’t think so. I mean, I could've gone to Canterlot that day for my aunt’s birthday, but I just didn’t feel like it.”
“Princess, please correct me if I’m wrong, but you decided not to show support for your family so you could read to foals you don’t even know?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess so. But I never thought of it like that. I mean, family is always there no matter what, right? But friendships you have to work on to keep up… you know?”
“Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. Now, I think those foals have been kept waiting long enough, don’t you?” Redheart turned and began walking down a hallway.
“Yeah, yeah they have,” said Twilight to nopony in particular.
After a short walk, Redheart stopped at a door and opened it. “Here you are, Princess. And will this be enough books? I don’t want you to run out.”
“Ehh, better grab a few more, I could be here awhile.”
Nurse Redheart frowned and nodded before slowly turning away.
“Actually, Nurse Redheart,” Twilight called after her, “could you maybe come get me after an hour instead? I want to make sure I have time to catch the 2-o'clock train to Canterlot.”
Redheart smiled. “Of course I can, Princess. It would be my pleasure.”
“Ah, Princess Twilight! I’ll bring you to the room right away. Though…”
“‘Though’ what?”
“I just... wanted to ask you... it’s not important. Let’s get you to those foals then, shall we?.”
“No,” Twilight said too quickly. “Well, what I mean is, I’d like to answer your question first, if possible.”
“Well, alright. I just wanted to ask you how you have time to read here every week?”
“Oh, Nurse Redheart, I always make time for my friends.”
“Yes, but... you’ve never even met most of these foals, how can you be friends with them?” Redheart’s eyebrows were raised, he lips pursed.
“Just because I’ve never met them doesn’t mean they can’t be my friends,” Twilight spewed out. “I always count everypony as a friend until proven otherwise.”
“Princess Twilight, I mean no disrespect, but if you could everypony as a friend, and you always make time for friends, that brings us back to the original question: how do you have time for everypony?”
“I... I don’t know. I just do. There’s no method to it, I just always have enough time in my schedule for whenever somepony needs help.”
“Do you think it’s possible, and I’m sorry for even suggesting such a thing, that you’re favoring certain ponies over others?”
“What? No! That can’t be possible, I treat everypony the same way, no matter what.”
“Princess, just last week you were reading here for over 10 hours. Was there really nothing else to be done during that time?”
“I don’t think so. I mean, I could've gone to Canterlot that day for my aunt’s birthday, but I just didn’t feel like it.”
“Princess, please correct me if I’m wrong, but you decided not to show support for your family so you could read to foals you don’t even know?”
“Uh, yeah, I guess so. But I never thought of it like that. I mean, family is always there no matter what, right? But friendships you have to work on to keep up… you know?”
“Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. Now, I think those foals have been kept waiting long enough, don’t you?” Redheart turned and began walking down a hallway.
“Yeah, yeah they have,” said Twilight to nopony in particular.
After a short walk, Redheart stopped at a door and opened it. “Here you are, Princess. And will this be enough books? I don’t want you to run out.”
“Ehh, better grab a few more, I could be here awhile.”
Nurse Redheart frowned and nodded before slowly turning away.
“Actually, Nurse Redheart,” Twilight called after her, “could you maybe come get me after an hour instead? I want to make sure I have time to catch the 2-o'clock train to Canterlot.”
Redheart smiled. “Of course I can, Princess. It would be my pleasure.”
Over all just a lot of odd dialogue and reasoning. I think the message would be better presented had Nurse Redheart came from a sense of gratitude instead of skepticism and butting into a volunteers life. She should have heaped praise on Twilight, not realizing that Twilight was starting to figure out she was avoiding friends/family. I also don't get the whole "I treat everypony the same way, no matter what.” Twilight obviously has priorities and the ability to know that just because someone isn't part of her close nit friendship circle doesn't mean she thinks less of them. And the line about spending 10 hours reading to kids makes the story seem more like a comedy when the rest of it isn't treated that way. The resolution was equally weak as we never learned why Twilight as avoiding everyone in the first place, unless it was because she honestly couldn't see that spending all of her time volunteering was leaving no time for her loved ones. Overall felt like a problem that Pinkie would face, though still weak IMO, rather than Twilight.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Disclaimer: This is the opinion of a sick person who is too medicated to think overly clearly on top of not knowing what is objectively good or bad writing.
Your pose is perfectly solid and serviceable, which can be a huge plus with minifics. When you have a tiny wordcount, you often don't want your audience distracted by the actual words on the page (even if they're very pretty words!), since you can only hold their attention for so long. So I liked that the prose was basically invisible throughout.
Unfortunately, I think this one has a big of a tonal clash that makes it hard to become invested. Call me stupid, but I'm really not sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not.
If it isn't supposed to be a comedy, then Twilight has really been handed the idiot-ball, here. She either doesn't realize what it means to balance your life relationships (which is something pretty much everyone gets a decent handle on by adulthood), or she's so far in denial about it that there's no difference anyway. In my opinion, there's not much you can do from a drama angle if your characters are being this uncooperative, because it becomes hard to relate to them on a basic level.
If it is supposed to be a comedy, well, I'll be blunt and say that I didn't laugh. There's a gravitas to the tone that doesn't lend itself well to humor. But honestly, I've learned time and time again that I'm not the best at writing and/or reading comedies, so take it as you will.
I'd suggest committing to a stronger narrative mood, so your readers know what kind of payoff to expect from reading this story. From there, take a look at your characters and make sure that what they do feels relatable while also forwarding the tonal goals of your story.
Unfortunately, I think this one has a big of a tonal clash that makes it hard to become invested. Call me stupid, but I'm really not sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or not.
If it isn't supposed to be a comedy, then Twilight has really been handed the idiot-ball, here. She either doesn't realize what it means to balance your life relationships (which is something pretty much everyone gets a decent handle on by adulthood), or she's so far in denial about it that there's no difference anyway. In my opinion, there's not much you can do from a drama angle if your characters are being this uncooperative, because it becomes hard to relate to them on a basic level.
If it is supposed to be a comedy, well, I'll be blunt and say that I didn't laugh. There's a gravitas to the tone that doesn't lend itself well to humor. But honestly, I've learned time and time again that I'm not the best at writing and/or reading comedies, so take it as you will.
I'd suggest committing to a stronger narrative mood, so your readers know what kind of payoff to expect from reading this story. From there, take a look at your characters and make sure that what they do feels relatable while also forwarding the tonal goals of your story.
There's a perfectly valid message here, but it isn't delivered in an efficient way. First of all, Twilight's there doing something charitable. This will immediately put the reader in her corner. So when Redheart starts chastising her about it, it makes her seem like an asshole. Plus she's coming off as way too antagonistic about it. She's more interrogating Twilight than gently leading her somewhere. If it were established that she had a history of trying to get through to Twilight on this issue, then it might justify the more aggressive approach, but as far as we know, it's her first attempt.
I'd say Twilight's just being obtuse, but the show occasionally plays her that way as well. I was actually expecting Redheart's comment of "how do you possibly have time for everyone" to lead to some explanation of how her princess magic actually makes that possible, but then I don't know if that would have been a better story. One I have no prerogative to say you should have written, in any case.
Still, the combination of an overly aggressive-sounding Redheart with a Twilight who's missing the obvious about something she's supposed to be an expert in (again, granted that she does this occasionally even in the show, but as it applies specifically to family, a recent episode had her explicitly wanting to make time for them), leaves this with an odd dissonance. There are a fair number of typos as well.
I'd say Twilight's just being obtuse, but the show occasionally plays her that way as well. I was actually expecting Redheart's comment of "how do you possibly have time for everyone" to lead to some explanation of how her princess magic actually makes that possible, but then I don't know if that would have been a better story. One I have no prerogative to say you should have written, in any case.
Still, the combination of an overly aggressive-sounding Redheart with a Twilight who's missing the obvious about something she's supposed to be an expert in (again, granted that she does this occasionally even in the show, but as it applies specifically to family, a recent episode had her explicitly wanting to make time for them), leaves this with an odd dissonance. There are a fair number of typos as well.
It didn't get the point of this story. Yes, Twilight is avoiding family, and then she has a character development, but it's not clear enough.
Twilight and the nurse seem a bit off-character. All the reasoning and interrogation of Redheart seems inappropriate for her. Pretending to be everypony's friend and in the same way, no matter what, and spending 10 hours reading to foals doesn't fit with Twilight to me. After all, it's not like she treats Trixie or Iron Will the same way as other ponies, and the long parchment listing all the princess stuff to do is a recurrent trope in the show.
I think the story could be improved with more showing instead of telling. Make Redheart silently notice that Twilight comes more and more often to the hospital. Make her tell Twilight out of courtesy that she doesn't have to stay that long. Show the reader (and Redheart) Twilight's nervous reaction at the thought of leaving. Redheart (and the reader) should slowly understand what's wrong with Twilight by observing more than by interrogating and only then confront her so that we can have Twilight's development.
Twilight and the nurse seem a bit off-character. All the reasoning and interrogation of Redheart seems inappropriate for her. Pretending to be everypony's friend and in the same way, no matter what, and spending 10 hours reading to foals doesn't fit with Twilight to me. After all, it's not like she treats Trixie or Iron Will the same way as other ponies, and the long parchment listing all the princess stuff to do is a recurrent trope in the show.
I think the story could be improved with more showing instead of telling. Make Redheart silently notice that Twilight comes more and more often to the hospital. Make her tell Twilight out of courtesy that she doesn't have to stay that long. Show the reader (and Redheart) Twilight's nervous reaction at the thought of leaving. Redheart (and the reader) should slowly understand what's wrong with Twilight by observing more than by interrogating and only then confront her so that we can have Twilight's development.
Yeah, I'm just going to reiterate what others have said: the message of the story is great, the technical construction is fluid and succinct and overall very solid, but the presentation comes off as... surreal. Doesn't really feel like Twilight is speaking in a lot of places, and I can hardly imagine Twilight giving "I just didn't feel like it" as an excuse for anything, even as a poor lie.
Overall a good concept and construction, the presentation just needs a reworking.
Overall a good concept and construction, the presentation just needs a reworking.
I suppose I should get to replying then, right?
>>thisisalongname
Alright, so... I wanted Twilight to be running from something, but I wasn't sure what while writing. Will work on that. Also, I'm totally taking the gratuity approach when I rewrite this. Thank you.
>>Bachiavellian
I did not mean it to be a comedy, no. Which is something I really have to work on. The one thing I can do is weird-comedy, and this was one attempt to get into other tones. So, basically, thank you for helping me see why this one failed.
>>Pascoite
I seem to be talking to you a lot recently. Anyway, this one kinda relates to the first comment. Criticism of Twilight was not the best approach to my message. Thanks, mate. (As a side-note, I do not believe you when you say there are typos. I ran this through, like, 8 times).
>>moonwhisper
Also kinda relates to the first comment. Thank you for even more ideas on how to fix it :twilightsmile:
>>regidar
I was not sure what to put for an excuse there. So, I did something. I'll work on that when I rewrite. Thank you very kindly.
>>thisisalongname
Alright, so... I wanted Twilight to be running from something, but I wasn't sure what while writing. Will work on that. Also, I'm totally taking the gratuity approach when I rewrite this. Thank you.
>>Bachiavellian
I did not mean it to be a comedy, no. Which is something I really have to work on. The one thing I can do is weird-comedy, and this was one attempt to get into other tones. So, basically, thank you for helping me see why this one failed.
>>Pascoite
I seem to be talking to you a lot recently. Anyway, this one kinda relates to the first comment. Criticism of Twilight was not the best approach to my message. Thanks, mate. (As a side-note, I do not believe you when you say there are typos. I ran this through, like, 8 times).
>>moonwhisper
Also kinda relates to the first comment. Thank you for even more ideas on how to fix it :twilightsmile:
>>regidar
I was not sure what to put for an excuse there. So, I did something. I'll work on that when I rewrite. Thank you very kindly.
>>MLPmatthewl419
shall we?.
-extraneous punctuation
he lips pursed
-typo
if you could everypony as a friend
-typo
10
2
-preferred to spell those out
There are a few comma splices as well, but they're in dialogue, so YMMV.
shall we?.
-extraneous punctuation
he lips pursed
-typo
if you could everypony as a friend
-typo
10
2
-preferred to spell those out
There are a few comma splices as well, but they're in dialogue, so YMMV.
>>Pascoite
N-none of those count....
And actually, the number 10 is not spelled out. Neither is anything above 10. For 2, I was talking about time. Pretty sure time is a number, not a word.
(actually, though, thank mate!)
N-none of those count....
And actually, the number 10 is not spelled out. Neither is anything above 10. For 2, I was talking about time. Pretty sure time is a number, not a word.
(actually, though, thank mate!)
>>MLPmatthewl419
Depends on the guideline. I've seen the threshold set at 100 and 1000 as well. I tend to use 100. But for that matter, "ten" is such a short word anyway. And it isn't unusual to see times expressed as words. Otherwise, you might as well just write it as 2:00.
Depends on the guideline. I've seen the threshold set at 100 and 1000 as well. I tend to use 100. But for that matter, "ten" is such a short word anyway. And it isn't unusual to see times expressed as words. Otherwise, you might as well just write it as 2:00.