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The Faintest Smile
“A quest! That’s what you need,” Jake bellows as he throws an arm around my shoulders and pulls me a trifle too close for comfort. He gestures towards the vast, far-away tracts of my cramped living room wall. “Our five-hour mission: to sally forth into the city. To explore strange niche stores! To seek out new foods and new microbreweries! To boldly go where-”
“Rein it in, sweetie,” Kestrel says as she gently lays a hand on Jake’s face and pushes him away. He flumps into my recliner as she turns to me, a smile on her face that can’t quite mask the concern in her eyes. “C’mon, Pete. It won’t be the same without you.”
“Yeah, dude,” Brian calls from his sprawled position on the couch, “don’t leave me as the third wheel to these two lovebirds.” His eyes never leave his phone, thumbs feverishly pecking away at some endless runner game. “They’ll strip down and start boning in the back seat halfway to the city limits if there’s not a second set of eyes to keep 'em in check.”
I suppress a sigh. I love my friends dearly, but they’re not actors. There’s an undercurrent of tension in the room, like a watch spring wound just a bit too tight.
I put on my best attempt at a conscientious smile. “Ha, yeah. I’m sorry, dude, but you’ll have to make do. I’m gonna sit this one out.” I'm fiddling with my ring. I shove my hands in my pockets, hoping nobody noticed.
Brian snorts. Jake and Kestrel exchange a glance - they noticed, and they’re not going to just let it go this time. I groan inwardly as Jake stands and takes a step forward. “Pete, you’ve ‘sat out’ of the last dozen hangouts. You can’t stay cooped up in this apartment forever.”
I look away. “I know, I know.” There's no way I can make them understand, but I try anyways. “I guess it’s… It was her birthday today.”
“Whose birthday?” Brian asks as he finally looks up. Maybe he actually doesn’t know? Bonus points for honesty, then.
Jake scowls at him as Kestrel smacks Brian across the back of the head. “Ow! What the fuck was-” He stops short and visibly pales. “Oh. Right.” His gaze falls to the floor.
I sigh. So much for subtlety. “Guys, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I’m fine. I just- I’m not feeling up to it, is all. You go on ahead.” My eyes flick to the picture on the wall before I can stop myself. I look to Jake and Kestrel as they glance at each other again - they didn’t miss it. Damn.
Jake looks away and leans against the corner of the hallway, arms folded. Kestrel comes in close to rest a hand on my shoulder, her voice soft and low. “Pete, it’s been over a year now. You can't just close yourself off from the rest of the world. We miss you.” Her eyes shine, and I can tell her words come from straight from her heart.
My resolve weakens, and I curse myself for it. “Look, I know you guys mean well, but I just want to stay home tonight.”
“Christ.” Brian pockets his phone as he sits up. “Look, Pete. You’re not doing anyone any kindness by turtling up and folding in on yourself. Do you really want Karen’s legacy to be you being miserable for the rest of your life?”
Anger flares up within me as I glare at him. “Her legacy goes far beyond what I choose to do with my evenings.”
“Not to us, it doesn't,” Brian states as he matches my stare.
“Man, shut the fuck up, Brian,” Jake says as he rounds on him, pain clear on his face.
Brian gets to his feet. “What? Tell me I’m wrong!” An uncomfortable silence fills the room as Jake looks away again, fuming.
My eyes dart to Karen’s portrait once more. Her uniform, a black jacket over deep blue pants, is immaculate. The barest hint of a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth.
A black ribbon crosses the upper right corner of the frame.
Her smile draws my eye. It’s almost… reassuring. Encouraging? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But then, what does that say about what I really want?
I take a deep breath. “Okay,” I say as I put some effort into keeping my voice steady, “where are we going?”
“Rein it in, sweetie,” Kestrel says as she gently lays a hand on Jake’s face and pushes him away. He flumps into my recliner as she turns to me, a smile on her face that can’t quite mask the concern in her eyes. “C’mon, Pete. It won’t be the same without you.”
“Yeah, dude,” Brian calls from his sprawled position on the couch, “don’t leave me as the third wheel to these two lovebirds.” His eyes never leave his phone, thumbs feverishly pecking away at some endless runner game. “They’ll strip down and start boning in the back seat halfway to the city limits if there’s not a second set of eyes to keep 'em in check.”
I suppress a sigh. I love my friends dearly, but they’re not actors. There’s an undercurrent of tension in the room, like a watch spring wound just a bit too tight.
I put on my best attempt at a conscientious smile. “Ha, yeah. I’m sorry, dude, but you’ll have to make do. I’m gonna sit this one out.” I'm fiddling with my ring. I shove my hands in my pockets, hoping nobody noticed.
Brian snorts. Jake and Kestrel exchange a glance - they noticed, and they’re not going to just let it go this time. I groan inwardly as Jake stands and takes a step forward. “Pete, you’ve ‘sat out’ of the last dozen hangouts. You can’t stay cooped up in this apartment forever.”
I look away. “I know, I know.” There's no way I can make them understand, but I try anyways. “I guess it’s… It was her birthday today.”
“Whose birthday?” Brian asks as he finally looks up. Maybe he actually doesn’t know? Bonus points for honesty, then.
Jake scowls at him as Kestrel smacks Brian across the back of the head. “Ow! What the fuck was-” He stops short and visibly pales. “Oh. Right.” His gaze falls to the floor.
I sigh. So much for subtlety. “Guys, I really appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I’m fine. I just- I’m not feeling up to it, is all. You go on ahead.” My eyes flick to the picture on the wall before I can stop myself. I look to Jake and Kestrel as they glance at each other again - they didn’t miss it. Damn.
Jake looks away and leans against the corner of the hallway, arms folded. Kestrel comes in close to rest a hand on my shoulder, her voice soft and low. “Pete, it’s been over a year now. You can't just close yourself off from the rest of the world. We miss you.” Her eyes shine, and I can tell her words come from straight from her heart.
My resolve weakens, and I curse myself for it. “Look, I know you guys mean well, but I just want to stay home tonight.”
“Christ.” Brian pockets his phone as he sits up. “Look, Pete. You’re not doing anyone any kindness by turtling up and folding in on yourself. Do you really want Karen’s legacy to be you being miserable for the rest of your life?”
Anger flares up within me as I glare at him. “Her legacy goes far beyond what I choose to do with my evenings.”
“Not to us, it doesn't,” Brian states as he matches my stare.
“Man, shut the fuck up, Brian,” Jake says as he rounds on him, pain clear on his face.
Brian gets to his feet. “What? Tell me I’m wrong!” An uncomfortable silence fills the room as Jake looks away again, fuming.
My eyes dart to Karen’s portrait once more. Her uniform, a black jacket over deep blue pants, is immaculate. The barest hint of a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth.
A black ribbon crosses the upper right corner of the frame.
Her smile draws my eye. It’s almost… reassuring. Encouraging? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. But then, what does that say about what I really want?
I take a deep breath. “Okay,” I say as I put some effort into keeping my voice steady, “where are we going?”
Brian seems just a little too callous at the end. His last two statements are so provocative, they aren't things I can imagine someone saying here without a larger confrontation resulting.
I'm also not sold on why he acts this way. If you're trying to portray Brian as stupid, hit that harder earlier with more foreshadowing (he seems clueless, but not stupid or senseless). If you're trying to portray him as entirely heartless, he shouldn't be shown caring so much about the protagonist in the places where he clearly does (his shame at the faux pas, his insistence on getting the protagonist out for his own good).
I'm also not sold on why he acts this way. If you're trying to portray Brian as stupid, hit that harder earlier with more foreshadowing (he seems clueless, but not stupid or senseless). If you're trying to portray him as entirely heartless, he shouldn't be shown caring so much about the protagonist in the places where he clearly does (his shame at the faux pas, his insistence on getting the protagonist out for his own good).
I'm not a fan of present tense, but I'll try to ignore it. Body language was good, I liked the detail with the ring - you did a good job of alluding to things and letting the reader fit them together. Another winner was the 'watch spring wound too tight'.
The 'who's birthday' strikes me as a little odd, since she's at the root of an issue that has apparently been going on for a year. While it didn't blow me away, it was a solid piece.
The 'who's birthday' strikes me as a little odd, since she's at the root of an issue that has apparently been going on for a year. While it didn't blow me away, it was a solid piece.
I mainly agree with both the previous reviewers. The dialogue is solid and the characters clear cut. Brian's retort is curt, but contrarily to Trick, I agree that in those situations bluntness is sometimes the best of remedies.
I am more dubious on the need you had to make the deceased woman a military. There are thousand reasons why someone can die outside being a soldier, so plumping for that particular possibility gives a characteristic tang to your story.
Not aiming for the stars, but competent nevertheless.
I am more dubious on the need you had to make the deceased woman a military. There are thousand reasons why someone can die outside being a soldier, so plumping for that particular possibility gives a characteristic tang to your story.
Not aiming for the stars, but competent nevertheless.
Boy, is it me, or are the comments in this writeoff being way more callous than usual? These are minifics, people. It's about the best thing you can do with 400-700 words. It's not about changing your life, it's about telling a compelling story in the minimum amount of words possible.
I mean, this is about concept, sure, but execution is the key here, yo. Keep that in mind.
TL;DR: Dudes. Fellas. Buddies. Mates. Brosephanies. Chill the fuck out. There are some first-timers here, and while you might mean well by simply stating your opinion, try to ease it into the writers.
Weirdly enough, I'm not talking about the comments for this story in particular, just talking in general.
Now, story itself: yeah this was pretty damn neat. The body language was great, a full-fledged story was told in just a bunch of words, and we get a feeling of everything that's happened in a really showy way, which is commendable as hell given the format. I don't see why Brian's comment is seen as bad -- I saw it as a mixture of him being blunt and him being maybe a little bit dumb... But perfectly realistic.
And, like, one can't expect foreshadowing in here. That would be counterproductive, given the length of the story. It would sound repetitive. As it stays, the story is pretty much as good as it gets -- I wouldn't change a thing. Props, author. This is a go-to guide in good character writing.
>>Monokeras
Gotta say, this bit baffled me. It's a story -- details like this one give the story a bit more character. I can't see why one would criticise something like choosing how the dead character died.
I mean, I guess that if she was a truck driver and died in a truck accident, the story would have a weirder ring, but 'unno. This feels a little bit gratuitous a point to make, broski.
I mean, this is about concept, sure, but execution is the key here, yo. Keep that in mind.
TL;DR: Dudes. Fellas. Buddies. Mates. Brosephanies. Chill the fuck out. There are some first-timers here, and while you might mean well by simply stating your opinion, try to ease it into the writers.
Weirdly enough, I'm not talking about the comments for this story in particular, just talking in general.
Now, story itself: yeah this was pretty damn neat. The body language was great, a full-fledged story was told in just a bunch of words, and we get a feeling of everything that's happened in a really showy way, which is commendable as hell given the format. I don't see why Brian's comment is seen as bad -- I saw it as a mixture of him being blunt and him being maybe a little bit dumb... But perfectly realistic.
And, like, one can't expect foreshadowing in here. That would be counterproductive, given the length of the story. It would sound repetitive. As it stays, the story is pretty much as good as it gets -- I wouldn't change a thing. Props, author. This is a go-to guide in good character writing.
>>Monokeras
I am more dubious on the need you had to make the deceased woman a military. There are thousand reasons why someone can die outside being a soldier, so plumping for that particular possibility gives a characteristic tang to your story.
Gotta say, this bit baffled me. It's a story -- details like this one give the story a bit more character. I can't see why one would criticise something like choosing how the dead character died.
I mean, I guess that if she was a truck driver and died in a truck accident, the story would have a weirder ring, but 'unno. This feels a little bit gratuitous a point to make, broski.
>>Aragon
I don't think ponies have been rude or non-constructive in our critiques so far, but I've only read a portion of them because I avoid reading critiques for the stories I haven't read yet. The critiquing is the most valuable thing about the Writeoff, and honest appraisals of what worked and what didn't are important.
Try not to take criticism too literally (it isn't meant to tear down), and if you have issue with a particular critique, please reply to that critique so we can dialogue about it. Saying there's a problem in general isn't helpful if we aren't seeing what you're seeing.
(Of course, if there is somepony out there attacking others and I'm not aware of it, that needs to be dealt with. I just don't know that yet based on what I've seen.)
I don't think ponies have been rude or non-constructive in our critiques so far, but I've only read a portion of them because I avoid reading critiques for the stories I haven't read yet. The critiquing is the most valuable thing about the Writeoff, and honest appraisals of what worked and what didn't are important.
Try not to take criticism too literally (it isn't meant to tear down), and if you have issue with a particular critique, please reply to that critique so we can dialogue about it. Saying there's a problem in general isn't helpful if we aren't seeing what you're seeing.
(Of course, if there is somepony out there attacking others and I'm not aware of it, that needs to be dealt with. I just don't know that yet based on what I've seen.)
>>Aragon
More specifically—criticism is often going to be picky because we're struggling to find something to recommend, in case there's something the author was blind to that a comment might reveal. Saying "I liked your story" is great, but it doesn't help improve the story, which is the goal of commenting.
More specifically—criticism is often going to be picky because we're struggling to find something to recommend, in case there's something the author was blind to that a comment might reveal. Saying "I liked your story" is great, but it doesn't help improve the story, which is the goal of commenting.
>>Trick_Question
Oh, no, I get that. I don't think that there's a single critique I want to point at and say "this is wrong" tho, because I don't think people are trying to be rude or attack or anything, and it's more a general feeling kinda thing than a particular example.
I'm sure people are trying to be helpful 'n shit, too, but -- there are ways and ways to say stuff.
'unno, not trying to be vague, I just don't think that pointing out people is going to help. Just take my comment as a general warning, I guess. Have in mind that this entry is full of first-timers. One can be helpful (and picky) and still change the general tone of the review to a more positive one, yaddah yaddah.
In other words: the review might be written with constructive criticism in mind, but the tone of it might end up sounding way more destructive than anything. I wouldn't say the reviews for this writeoff are at that point yet, but I get the feeling they're heading there.
I get pointing out the bad stuff. But point out the good stuff too, or else drama will arise, bro. And some people will get their feelings hurt or whatever, 'unno.
(For the sake of the argument, by the way -- not talking about anything that involves me or my stories in particular. I know this comment makes me sound butthurt and annoying, but that ain't the case; I've just been going through my ballot, and reading the reviews in there, and the overal feeling of the comments I saw made me frown. Putting that out there before I start looking delicate.)
Oh, no, I get that. I don't think that there's a single critique I want to point at and say "this is wrong" tho, because I don't think people are trying to be rude or attack or anything, and it's more a general feeling kinda thing than a particular example.
I'm sure people are trying to be helpful 'n shit, too, but -- there are ways and ways to say stuff.
'unno, not trying to be vague, I just don't think that pointing out people is going to help. Just take my comment as a general warning, I guess. Have in mind that this entry is full of first-timers. One can be helpful (and picky) and still change the general tone of the review to a more positive one, yaddah yaddah.
In other words: the review might be written with constructive criticism in mind, but the tone of it might end up sounding way more destructive than anything. I wouldn't say the reviews for this writeoff are at that point yet, but I get the feeling they're heading there.
I get pointing out the bad stuff. But point out the good stuff too, or else drama will arise, bro. And some people will get their feelings hurt or whatever, 'unno.
(For the sake of the argument, by the way -- not talking about anything that involves me or my stories in particular. I know this comment makes me sound butthurt and annoying, but that ain't the case; I've just been going through my ballot, and reading the reviews in there, and the overal feeling of the comments I saw made me frown. Putting that out there before I start looking delicate.)
>>Aragon
I apologize if anything I write seems harsh or judgmental. I only critique in order to offer something that may or may not help an author improve a work or grow as an author, but I'm socially dense.
Most ponies tend to like more feedback, and I spend a lot of time on my reviews. I tend to jump to "here are things that could be fixed" for expediency. I'd want to know if anypony thought I was being too harsh or not supportive enough, because I can do that easily without realizing it.
I'm done with reviews for the time being, at any rate.
EDIT: Because I have things to do and my slate is finished, not because drama! :twilightsmile:
I apologize if anything I write seems harsh or judgmental. I only critique in order to offer something that may or may not help an author improve a work or grow as an author, but I'm socially dense.
Most ponies tend to like more feedback, and I spend a lot of time on my reviews. I tend to jump to "here are things that could be fixed" for expediency. I'd want to know if anypony thought I was being too harsh or not supportive enough, because I can do that easily without realizing it.
I'm done with reviews for the time being, at any rate.
EDIT: Because I have things to do and my slate is finished, not because drama! :twilightsmile:
>>Aragon
I just want to check if it's me. It goes without saying that I can't speak for anyone else, but if I'm the one you see writing callous reviews, personally, I want to be called out on it. That goes for anyone else, not just Aragon. If I'm crossing a line, or if I'm straddling that line, please let me know. I want to be a good reviewer and I don't want to be hurting anyone's feelings with my reviews, and I want to offer constructive criticism wherever I can.
I just want to check if it's me. It goes without saying that I can't speak for anyone else, but if I'm the one you see writing callous reviews, personally, I want to be called out on it. That goes for anyone else, not just Aragon. If I'm crossing a line, or if I'm straddling that line, please let me know. I want to be a good reviewer and I don't want to be hurting anyone's feelings with my reviews, and I want to offer constructive criticism wherever I can.
>>Aragon
>>Trick_Question
>>FrontSevens
In regards to how this particular event is treated, it is a bit difficult to substantively evaluate the minifics in a sliding scale of "good vs bad" format simply because there is not that much content to gather evidence to properly balance that scale. These are not full stories: they live and die on the execution of one concept convincingly. Consequently, the point of criticism of a lot of these stories are not their individual components, but whether or not they worked as a coherent product, with suggesting being made towards making the story trend towards a more completely realized idea. This is different from a full story where you can pull individual ideas and scenes and say, "these work well, these doesn't." I think the overall perception of the more harsh tone is the result of the critique being leveled at the story as a whole rather than its components.
Anyways.
I think I'm taking my hat out the ring for reviews on this one. I'm mostly limited to typing on a phone while I'm on vacation, and I think this sort of atmosphere just doesn't suit my sort of critique. I don't want to start any sort of argument here, but personally I don't feel comfortable reviewing at an atmosphere in which people's feelings are on the line if my feedback is not formatted a certain way. I just got back to this, and I don't feel like ruffling any feathers.
>>Trick_Question
>>FrontSevens
In regards to how this particular event is treated, it is a bit difficult to substantively evaluate the minifics in a sliding scale of "good vs bad" format simply because there is not that much content to gather evidence to properly balance that scale. These are not full stories: they live and die on the execution of one concept convincingly. Consequently, the point of criticism of a lot of these stories are not their individual components, but whether or not they worked as a coherent product, with suggesting being made towards making the story trend towards a more completely realized idea. This is different from a full story where you can pull individual ideas and scenes and say, "these work well, these doesn't." I think the overall perception of the more harsh tone is the result of the critique being leveled at the story as a whole rather than its components.
Anyways.
I think I'm taking my hat out the ring for reviews on this one. I'm mostly limited to typing on a phone while I'm on vacation, and I think this sort of atmosphere just doesn't suit my sort of critique. I don't want to start any sort of argument here, but personally I don't feel comfortable reviewing at an atmosphere in which people's feelings are on the line if my feedback is not formatted a certain way. I just got back to this, and I don't feel like ruffling any feathers.
>>Aragon
I haven't read the rest of this thread so I won't comment on the more general discussion of the WriteOff's callousness (right now at least). About that particular point however, I'd say I've felt the fact that the woman was a military as a bit gushy. There's (to me) a subtext message here, kinda “if you marry a military, then you should expect it to die”, which is true, but is valid also for cops or firefighters or whatever other risky job. So plumping for military felt a bit cliché to me.
Gotta say, this bit baffled me. It's a story -- details like this one give the story a bit more character. I can't see why one would criticise something like choosing how the dead character died.
I haven't read the rest of this thread so I won't comment on the more general discussion of the WriteOff's callousness (right now at least). About that particular point however, I'd say I've felt the fact that the woman was a military as a bit gushy. There's (to me) a subtext message here, kinda “if you marry a military, then you should expect it to die”, which is true, but is valid also for cops or firefighters or whatever other risky job. So plumping for military felt a bit cliché to me.
I was holding off on this, but It's about time that I should let it out...
(For the Author)
Generally, I liked the detail you put in the story, It paints a clear picture of (as the other reviewers say) "Hanging out with the Bros". It also has the nice touches of the nitpicks and twitches of each character, adding a little more interest. (No one wants to read about a boring character, and you've done well, giving each of them an individual personality, while unifying them).
Now, here is critical part-
It's just me, but the language of the dialogue strikes as a bit uncouth, even for casual talk between buddies. I suggest you turn it down by adding a little more passive side of things (maybe add a little more to peacemaker "Kestrel")... Kestrel seems to be that type, but make her a little more 'Benvolio' (Look it up!) to add depth.
However, keep in mind, this is only my perception, it may be a bad thing to take out the style of language
TL;DR: Detail is amazing, I applaud you on that. You may want to tone it down, the characters come off a bit strong- though that could be just me.
(For the Critics)
To be honest, I need to agree with Aragon, some of the critiques I read can come off as highly offensive.
Trust me, I take everything personally, and it's a really big blow to the spirit when some critics don't give you a second chance.
But what I must touch on the most, to balance these out, is the meaning of 'constructive criticism'
Constructive means to build something... and for the most part, most of these reviews come across as (language is a bit unorthodox, but bear with me) "You're an idiot, there is a mistake here- and here- and here...".
I'm not telling you guys to fluff it up and sugar coat the truth... oh dear Celestia- NO! I actually like it when someone points out an error, I'd give anything to improve my writing! All I'm asking is that you include something to say "here is how you can fix it", and that'll suffice.
It may come across as rude to spell it out to the author like they're a toddler... but if everyone was taught without how to fix their egregious errors, would anyone learn? Some of us cannot look into another's frame of mind, so it's best to point out how to fix it so new writers can learn!
TL;DR: Go through and tell the writer how to fix the problem, any simpleton can point out errors- that is the meaning of constructive criticism. It might come across as extra rude, but we need to learn sometime!
All in all, I'm ranting... here... have some kitten pictures to calm your nerves! (I know it helped me calm down)
(For the Author)
Generally, I liked the detail you put in the story, It paints a clear picture of (as the other reviewers say) "Hanging out with the Bros". It also has the nice touches of the nitpicks and twitches of each character, adding a little more interest. (No one wants to read about a boring character, and you've done well, giving each of them an individual personality, while unifying them).
Now, here is critical part-
It's just me, but the language of the dialogue strikes as a bit uncouth, even for casual talk between buddies. I suggest you turn it down by adding a little more passive side of things (maybe add a little more to peacemaker "Kestrel")... Kestrel seems to be that type, but make her a little more 'Benvolio' (Look it up!) to add depth.
However, keep in mind, this is only my perception, it may be a bad thing to take out the style of language
TL;DR: Detail is amazing, I applaud you on that. You may want to tone it down, the characters come off a bit strong- though that could be just me.
(For the Critics)
To be honest, I need to agree with Aragon, some of the critiques I read can come off as highly offensive.
Trust me, I take everything personally, and it's a really big blow to the spirit when some critics don't give you a second chance.
But what I must touch on the most, to balance these out, is the meaning of 'constructive criticism'
Constructive means to build something... and for the most part, most of these reviews come across as (language is a bit unorthodox, but bear with me) "You're an idiot, there is a mistake here- and here- and here...".
I'm not telling you guys to fluff it up and sugar coat the truth... oh dear Celestia- NO! I actually like it when someone points out an error, I'd give anything to improve my writing! All I'm asking is that you include something to say "here is how you can fix it", and that'll suffice.
It may come across as rude to spell it out to the author like they're a toddler... but if everyone was taught without how to fix their egregious errors, would anyone learn? Some of us cannot look into another's frame of mind, so it's best to point out how to fix it so new writers can learn!
TL;DR: Go through and tell the writer how to fix the problem, any simpleton can point out errors- that is the meaning of constructive criticism. It might come across as extra rude, but we need to learn sometime!
All in all, I'm ranting... here... have some kitten pictures to calm your nerves! (I know it helped me calm down)
>>Ratlab
It didn't even strike me that it's in present tense, so that's probably a good sign. In any case it's solid YA style, and I would actually disagree with PinoyPony on the dialogue, I think it's fitting.
My biggest issue with the story is that five characters are introduced within the 750 words. For instance, I could not remember at the end which one was Jake and which one was Brian, and neither could I recall the names of Kestrel or Karen from the top of my head (those are too similar anyway). The problem was not the author doing a poor job in distinguishing between them concept-wise, not at all, it was just too much all at once. I think the story might work better for such a short format if there was just one of the narrator's friends in the scene instead of all three.
>>Aragon
You see, I'm all for being nice to one another, but when I'm going to criticize a story I won't hold back with anything that comes to mind, both positive and negative. And that's exactly how I want my stories to be treated. I haven't seen reviews so far that I perceived as too harsh (I wouldn't like a tradition of bashing either, if that is the development you're concerned about), and I certainly hope that my reviews are not, but let's also not forget that this is not a school talent show. The content on here has been put out for the explicit reason of being criticized and evaluated in a competitive environment. I will try to keep your words in mind, but I can't sugarcoat everything I say, so I don't really know what to do other than just carry on.
I'm not a fan of present tense, but I'll try to ignore it.
It didn't even strike me that it's in present tense, so that's probably a good sign. In any case it's solid YA style, and I would actually disagree with PinoyPony on the dialogue, I think it's fitting.
My biggest issue with the story is that five characters are introduced within the 750 words. For instance, I could not remember at the end which one was Jake and which one was Brian, and neither could I recall the names of Kestrel or Karen from the top of my head (those are too similar anyway). The problem was not the author doing a poor job in distinguishing between them concept-wise, not at all, it was just too much all at once. I think the story might work better for such a short format if there was just one of the narrator's friends in the scene instead of all three.
>>Aragon
You see, I'm all for being nice to one another, but when I'm going to criticize a story I won't hold back with anything that comes to mind, both positive and negative. And that's exactly how I want my stories to be treated. I haven't seen reviews so far that I perceived as too harsh (I wouldn't like a tradition of bashing either, if that is the development you're concerned about), and I certainly hope that my reviews are not, but let's also not forget that this is not a school talent show. The content on here has been put out for the explicit reason of being criticized and evaluated in a competitive environment. I will try to keep your words in mind, but I can't sugarcoat everything I say, so I don't really know what to do other than just carry on.
Overall, I think this one is pretty good. I think I would have preferred if it had stayed subtle instead of spelling things out for us, but maybe that's me. I think the bit about the ring was rather good, and it told me basically everything I needed to know.
The dialogue doesn't feel realistic to me, but then again, one of the things I said in the chat while writing my story was that "I've realized I have no idea how real people talk," so I could be completely wrong.
The dialogue doesn't feel realistic to me, but then again, one of the things I said in the chat while writing my story was that "I've realized I have no idea how real people talk," so I could be completely wrong.
Let me point out some things the author did that are real problems to overcome. 1) With so many characters, you can't develop any of them, and that includes the main POV character. 2) The POV character does not *feel* anything other than a potpourri of random emotions that seem to get thrown at him. 3) There's no good 'grounding' of the events to make the reader know where the characters are other than the living room.
I don't have anything to really add on the above discussion, but let me talk for a moment about what dragged this story down for me. Maybe I'm getting tired here, but I just don't understand why (besides author fiat) Pete changes his mind at the end. Karen's enigmatic smile gets him to re-examine what he "really wants", but, uh, he's been putting off social engagements for a year despite his friends' coaxing; if he really wanted to go out, he'd have just done it and this story wouldn't exist. I'm not sure I buy that his friends finally got through, either, what with Brian's selfishness (and his stinger about Karen's legacy provoking a defensive reaction).
The rest of this was pretty smooth reading. Brian's behavior didn't bug me so much because I know some "Brians"; that sort of ridiculous social blind spot isn't entirely unrealistic, and I don't think he's supposed to be sympathetic. ... I guess I did have something to add to the discussion after all. :P
Tier: Almost There
The rest of this was pretty smooth reading. Brian's behavior didn't bug me so much because I know some "Brians"; that sort of ridiculous social blind spot isn't entirely unrealistic, and I don't think he's supposed to be sympathetic. ... I guess I did have something to add to the discussion after all. :P
Tier: Almost There
I more or less agree with >>horizon’s view of this piece; the overall emotional transition at the end didn’t quite feel justified enough. I didn’t have a problem with his friend being frustrated/clueless; sometimes people really are that way.
Congratulations to Lise Eclaire, Flutterpriest, and horizon for their medal-winning stories!
The Faintest Smile - a retrospective.
My goal was to tell a story about three friends taking different paths towards coaxing a grieving widow from his home and join in their adventures for the first time in over a year. Jake takes my usual tactic of boisterous distraction, while Kestrel uses a light touch and plays the carrot to Brian's bludgeoning stick. From your feedback, it seems like I've done a reasonably good job of doing this, though the story is not without its flaws.
The writing process for this story wound up being a tale of life imitating art. I had just finished the main body of the story in the early afternoon when I got a pile of text messages from a group of friends, asking me to head out with them to a couple of bars downtown. Having shut myself away during many of the previous writing weekends for the competition, I figured I should follow my own protagonist's footsteps and join in on the revelry. Fully sated by bar burgers and beer, I wrote the remainder of the story while waiting my turn during several rounds of pool and cutthroat.
This led to the unenviable position of me having to edit the story late into the night while sobering up and racing towards a hangover, but it seems as though I did a reasonable job of it this time around - copy-wise, anyways. There does seem to be some consensus among my reviewers that the story is too crowded for its own good, which I can definitely understand. It is a bit cramped with five people needing to be characterized in 750 words, and I freely admit the word count chafed a bit this time around.
Anyways, let's break from my normal generalizing and address each of you in turn (cuz you're awesome and you deserve it).
>>Trick_Question
The first draft of the story saw things get physical between Jake and Brian, but that version of the confrontation took me way past the word count. I should have turned down the rhetoric a bit to compensate for that, rather than have Jake just roll over and bite his tongue, but I also wanted Jake's silence in the face of such provocative statements (as you so eloquently put it) to imply that on some level he's also growing frustrated with Pete's constant rejection.
My goal with Brian was to not have him be entirely heartless, just impatient and unsympathetic (both intrinsically and towards Pete's melancholy). I think you're right on the money with how to fix it, though - remove the bit about him paling, and have his gaze return to his phone instead of the floor. He's a jerk, not a moron.
For what it's worth, I like the directness of your feedback - I'm here to improve as a writer, and having inconsistencies brought to my attention as well as helpful suggestions on how they can be fixed (in a concise manner, no less) is invaluable. Seriously, thank you for the work you put into providing feedback for the rest of us - I certainly appreciate it.
>>Ratlab
Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure it was the ring bit that made me switch to present tense - I didn't like how clunky the sentences became when I tried to have Pete obfuscate his fidgeting in past tense.
The birthday reference was a means to an end; I wanted to include a reason why Pete's friends were so keen on getting him out and about (and more importantly, not alone) on that particular day. You're right though, I think I could have handled the reference better than I did.
Thank you for your feedback, and I'm glad you liked the story!
>>Monokeras
I can see how having Karen be a Marine (as opposed to a policewoman or a firefighter) could have come off as cliche (especially considering the nature of many of this round's submissions).
That wasn't at all my intent, but now that you've pointed it out to me, I can see how Pete's friends' persistence (and especially Brian's impatience) could point a reader's attitude in that direction. I'm not certain if it's something I can address directly without significantly changing the story, but if I revisit the story in the future it's definitely something to bear in mind.
This was, in fact, precisely my goal when I entered this story into the competition. Overreaching was the root flaw of Thrice in the last OF minific round, so I wanted to make sure I could actually tell a coherent OF story in <750 words. I got the biggest smile when I saw this, so thank you very much for your feedback!
>>Aragon
I was so pleased to read your review of the story itself - I'm flattered! I'm always a bit worried about how my stories may be interpreted or that there's some glaring flaw that I overlooked, so to see so much unabashed praise like this was a pretty neat morale boost. Thank you for your feedback!
P.S. - Pyrrha Nikos is, indeed, best pony. ^^
>>PinoyPony
You are correct! My friends and I, particularly while drinking, have a tendency to use swear words as punctuation, so my profanity filter isn't as robust as it should be when writing casual dialogue between chums. And if you're referencing Brian's line about being a third wheel, well, Brian's a jerk, he's supposed to be uncouth. Still, these are important things for me to bear in mind, especially when writing dialogue. And I like your idea to help balance it - not by reining in Brian (his noble spirit must remain unfettered), but by bringing out more of Kestrel, and having her intercede more directly (with words, rather than more smacking upside the head).
Oh, and I do know who Benvolio is. English Lit ftw! /)
Thank you for your feedback!
>>Leo
I'm happy you found the tense of the story unobtrusive - tense is a tricky thing, and I'm glad I seem to have handled it reasonably well with this story.
You were the first, but not the last, to point out the story is on the cramped side, and I agree - five characters is a bit much for flash fiction. Karen's name should have been chosen with more care - having two two-syllable names start with "K" was a poor decision on my part. I'm leaning towards "Lysa" as a replacement. For the purposes of the story-that-could-have-been, Jake and Kestrel could probably have been rolled into one character - Brian still has a foil to play off of, and it would give them all more room to breathe.
Finally, your profile pic is gorgeous. Thank you for your feedback!
>>The_Letter_J
I'm glad you liked the story! I think you're right, I could have been a bit more subtle about things - the description of the picture is pretty blunt - but I'm not certain cutting it all the way back to Pete fidgeting with his ring would still tell the same story.
Having just re-written this paragraph three times though, I think you're right - functionally, it would still be the same story, just not quite as explicit. I like specificity in my stories, but removing the picture would also address Leo and Georg's comments on crowding.
Hmm. Definitely something to think about. Thank you so much!
>>georg
All three of these problems are related to each other - because I had to develop five different characters, it left no room for setting and no space to have Pete do much more than react to his friends' coaxing in turn. Condensing down somewhere would allow me to fix pretty much all of it, and I'm leaning towards J's (implied) suggestion of cutting the picture. Thank you for your feedback!
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
Pete's change of heart is abrupt and under-cooked, and I have no real excuse for it. You're especially right about Brian's dig at Karen's legacy provoking a defensive reaction - that sort of thing doesn't lead to quiet introspection, it leads to flared tempers. I think following that through to its original conclusion of a mild brawl to blow off steam (and perhaps to allow Pete's walls to come down more honestly) would be an ideal change.
I think we've all had a Brian or three in our lives at some point or another. ^_^ Thank you both for your feedback!
Regarding the larger discussion that was started here, I don't know if I'd go so far as to say some of the reviews were callous or unduly harsh. I will say that I noticed an interesting trend - on more than one occasion, I saw multiple reviewers say something along the lines of "this is something I've seen before". Well, yeah. There's a lot of common tropes in storytelling, and as well-read as I suspect most of us are, we'll have seen a great many of them, time and time again. I realize that I'm guilty of saying it myself in previous rounds, but I always try to follow the statement up with "but this is an interesting take on it," or "this is particularly well-executed because of x, y, and z." To me, the phrase "I've seen this before," by itself, doesn't really help all that much - all it does is somewhat damage your credibility by saying "I'm jaded, take all I say with a grain of salt", and it can come off as an underhanded way of saying "your idea is boring and/or unoriginal".
Thanks once again to all of my reviewers for taking the time and effort to help me become a better writer - you guys are the best. Much love, everyone!
The Faintest Smile - a retrospective.
My goal was to tell a story about three friends taking different paths towards coaxing a grieving widow from his home and join in their adventures for the first time in over a year. Jake takes my usual tactic of boisterous distraction, while Kestrel uses a light touch and plays the carrot to Brian's bludgeoning stick. From your feedback, it seems like I've done a reasonably good job of doing this, though the story is not without its flaws.
The writing process for this story wound up being a tale of life imitating art. I had just finished the main body of the story in the early afternoon when I got a pile of text messages from a group of friends, asking me to head out with them to a couple of bars downtown. Having shut myself away during many of the previous writing weekends for the competition, I figured I should follow my own protagonist's footsteps and join in on the revelry. Fully sated by bar burgers and beer, I wrote the remainder of the story while waiting my turn during several rounds of pool and cutthroat.
This led to the unenviable position of me having to edit the story late into the night while sobering up and racing towards a hangover, but it seems as though I did a reasonable job of it this time around - copy-wise, anyways. There does seem to be some consensus among my reviewers that the story is too crowded for its own good, which I can definitely understand. It is a bit cramped with five people needing to be characterized in 750 words, and I freely admit the word count chafed a bit this time around.
Anyways, let's break from my normal generalizing and address each of you in turn (cuz you're awesome and you deserve it).
>>Trick_Question
The first draft of the story saw things get physical between Jake and Brian, but that version of the confrontation took me way past the word count. I should have turned down the rhetoric a bit to compensate for that, rather than have Jake just roll over and bite his tongue, but I also wanted Jake's silence in the face of such provocative statements (as you so eloquently put it) to imply that on some level he's also growing frustrated with Pete's constant rejection.
My goal with Brian was to not have him be entirely heartless, just impatient and unsympathetic (both intrinsically and towards Pete's melancholy). I think you're right on the money with how to fix it, though - remove the bit about him paling, and have his gaze return to his phone instead of the floor. He's a jerk, not a moron.
For what it's worth, I like the directness of your feedback - I'm here to improve as a writer, and having inconsistencies brought to my attention as well as helpful suggestions on how they can be fixed (in a concise manner, no less) is invaluable. Seriously, thank you for the work you put into providing feedback for the rest of us - I certainly appreciate it.
>>Ratlab
Funnily enough, I'm pretty sure it was the ring bit that made me switch to present tense - I didn't like how clunky the sentences became when I tried to have Pete obfuscate his fidgeting in past tense.
The birthday reference was a means to an end; I wanted to include a reason why Pete's friends were so keen on getting him out and about (and more importantly, not alone) on that particular day. You're right though, I think I could have handled the reference better than I did.
Thank you for your feedback, and I'm glad you liked the story!
>>Monokeras
I can see how having Karen be a Marine (as opposed to a policewoman or a firefighter) could have come off as cliche (especially considering the nature of many of this round's submissions).
There's (to me) a subtext message here, kinda “if you marry a military, then you should expect it to die”
That wasn't at all my intent, but now that you've pointed it out to me, I can see how Pete's friends' persistence (and especially Brian's impatience) could point a reader's attitude in that direction. I'm not certain if it's something I can address directly without significantly changing the story, but if I revisit the story in the future it's definitely something to bear in mind.
Not aiming for the stars, but competent nevertheless.
This was, in fact, precisely my goal when I entered this story into the competition. Overreaching was the root flaw of Thrice in the last OF minific round, so I wanted to make sure I could actually tell a coherent OF story in <750 words. I got the biggest smile when I saw this, so thank you very much for your feedback!
>>Aragon
I was so pleased to read your review of the story itself - I'm flattered! I'm always a bit worried about how my stories may be interpreted or that there's some glaring flaw that I overlooked, so to see so much unabashed praise like this was a pretty neat morale boost. Thank you for your feedback!
P.S. - Pyrrha Nikos is, indeed, best pony. ^^
>>PinoyPony
It's just me, but the language of the dialogue strikes as a bit uncouth, even for casual talk between buddies.
You are correct! My friends and I, particularly while drinking, have a tendency to use swear words as punctuation, so my profanity filter isn't as robust as it should be when writing casual dialogue between chums. And if you're referencing Brian's line about being a third wheel, well, Brian's a jerk, he's supposed to be uncouth. Still, these are important things for me to bear in mind, especially when writing dialogue. And I like your idea to help balance it - not by reining in Brian (his noble spirit must remain unfettered), but by bringing out more of Kestrel, and having her intercede more directly (with words, rather than more smacking upside the head).
Oh, and I do know who Benvolio is. English Lit ftw! /)
Thank you for your feedback!
>>Leo
I'm happy you found the tense of the story unobtrusive - tense is a tricky thing, and I'm glad I seem to have handled it reasonably well with this story.
You were the first, but not the last, to point out the story is on the cramped side, and I agree - five characters is a bit much for flash fiction. Karen's name should have been chosen with more care - having two two-syllable names start with "K" was a poor decision on my part. I'm leaning towards "Lysa" as a replacement. For the purposes of the story-that-could-have-been, Jake and Kestrel could probably have been rolled into one character - Brian still has a foil to play off of, and it would give them all more room to breathe.
Finally, your profile pic is gorgeous. Thank you for your feedback!
>>The_Letter_J
I'm glad you liked the story! I think you're right, I could have been a bit more subtle about things - the description of the picture is pretty blunt - but I'm not certain cutting it all the way back to Pete fidgeting with his ring would still tell the same story.
Having just re-written this paragraph three times though, I think you're right - functionally, it would still be the same story, just not quite as explicit. I like specificity in my stories, but removing the picture would also address Leo and Georg's comments on crowding.
Hmm. Definitely something to think about. Thank you so much!
>>georg
All three of these problems are related to each other - because I had to develop five different characters, it left no room for setting and no space to have Pete do much more than react to his friends' coaxing in turn. Condensing down somewhere would allow me to fix pretty much all of it, and I'm leaning towards J's (implied) suggestion of cutting the picture. Thank you for your feedback!
>>horizon
>>TitaniumDragon
Pete's change of heart is abrupt and under-cooked, and I have no real excuse for it. You're especially right about Brian's dig at Karen's legacy provoking a defensive reaction - that sort of thing doesn't lead to quiet introspection, it leads to flared tempers. I think following that through to its original conclusion of a mild brawl to blow off steam (and perhaps to allow Pete's walls to come down more honestly) would be an ideal change.
I think we've all had a Brian or three in our lives at some point or another. ^_^ Thank you both for your feedback!
Regarding the larger discussion that was started here, I don't know if I'd go so far as to say some of the reviews were callous or unduly harsh. I will say that I noticed an interesting trend - on more than one occasion, I saw multiple reviewers say something along the lines of "this is something I've seen before". Well, yeah. There's a lot of common tropes in storytelling, and as well-read as I suspect most of us are, we'll have seen a great many of them, time and time again. I realize that I'm guilty of saying it myself in previous rounds, but I always try to follow the statement up with "but this is an interesting take on it," or "this is particularly well-executed because of x, y, and z." To me, the phrase "I've seen this before," by itself, doesn't really help all that much - all it does is somewhat damage your credibility by saying "I'm jaded, take all I say with a grain of salt", and it can come off as an underhanded way of saying "your idea is boring and/or unoriginal".
Thanks once again to all of my reviewers for taking the time and effort to help me become a better writer - you guys are the best. Much love, everyone!