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>>Remedyfortheheart
If you pay attention to the author reveal and story comments, you'll see that people often comment on their own stories, 1st either to help maintain their anonymity ("I didn't write this! See, I'm commenting on this story") or 2nd for other reasons, possibly related to increasing understanding of the story itself before voting time.
I don't find the second reason terribly ethical, but the first is normal, and recommended so that you don't compromise your anonymity by leaving a review vacuum pointing to your own story.
I soooo wanna hint and question my own submission, but I can't!
If you pay attention to the author reveal and story comments, you'll see that people often comment on their own stories, 1st either to help maintain their anonymity ("I didn't write this! See, I'm commenting on this story") or 2nd for other reasons, possibly related to increasing understanding of the story itself before voting time.
I don't find the second reason terribly ethical, but the first is normal, and recommended so that you don't compromise your anonymity by leaving a review vacuum pointing to your own story.
-Closes mouth trying hold back the urge to say something.- Mercy ME! It is hard keeping everything in. Especially after reading one story. Charles Bukwoski everyone! I don't want what passion you can only seem to muster. I wanna peer at your soul, not your mind! Impress me yes! But not with what you find in a page in a dictionary. Make me feel something. Also shocker. Wish I knew, before hand. That is all.
Hi >>Remedyfortheheart,
Is this a comment that's about a particular story? The way the system is set up, you should write those comments in the comment space after the story itself (on the same page where you read it). Those comments will appear here on the main forum, but they'll also be tagged with the story you're referring to so it's easy for the author and other readers to find them.
(On the other hand, if you're not responding to a particular story I don't know, then I just don't understand your comment. :raritywink: )
Is this a comment that's about a particular story? The way the system is set up, you should write those comments in the comment space after the story itself (on the same page where you read it). Those comments will appear here on the main forum, but they'll also be tagged with the story you're referring to so it's easy for the author and other readers to find them.
(On the other hand, if you're not responding to a particular story I don't know, then I just don't understand your comment. :raritywink: )
I'm more of a poetry type. I can read literature just fine, though if I can't connect with it on a personal scale then I think there's a problem. People can write and be boring or do the job right and entertain me. I really hate my ability to predict things. Which usually leads me to analyzing things heavily. Even more so when a reason should be obvious, instead of a story acting like I'm oblivious. Having hard time reading the stories her because I can see what kind of goal and feelings were placed behind it rather than pure joy and spirit. Hope I read one of those soon. It's a short story contest yes. But we have more than enough leeway to make something out of it. Think I'll go back to reading research essays at this point of my fanfiction hobby. Sorry for the aggressive rant but yeah just happy you guys understand this hobby makes people happy.
Tell me the truth. Are my reviews too big? I just noticed how much I write for them when I'm only focused on several traits for the author. Since handling one or several elements is best for improving rather than trying to change your style completely, I stick to just five per review. Is it much?
Btw how does voting and prelim work? 0.o' I have no clue how to do them or what they do. Can I only choose what's currently in the prelims right now? Someone help me! I'm sure someone will be wanting my vote, but I'm kinda scared with interacting with this strange system.
>>Remedyfortheheart
Your reviews are more than fine. They are very insightful, so please do continue to write them. :)
Voting system:
You drag the stories you read from the lower half and drop them on the upper half of the voting page, where they will stick. Then, within that upper half, you can drag/drop them to establish your voting slate, the highest the percentage, the highest the ranking.
Your reviews are more than fine. They are very insightful, so please do continue to write them. :)
Voting system:
You drag the stories you read from the lower half and drop them on the upper half of the voting page, where they will stick. Then, within that upper half, you can drag/drop them to establish your voting slate, the highest the percentage, the highest the ranking.
>>Monokeras
Thankies! Sigh. I'm having a lot of fun reviewing. I really did want people to read my stuffies. Oh well next time, I'll put on some gloves. Because Remi is gonna try to impress next time. Does that mean planned out stories is bad for these things. Because I have just about a dozen ideas, mentally scripted already as well. Would that be cheating? In this regards, you can argue that a piece is not original if already planned out before hand. Though, since it remains to yet be written, that means it's still an original piece? I bet everyone is planning ahead. I just went on a whim for this contest.
Thankies! Sigh. I'm having a lot of fun reviewing. I really did want people to read my stuffies. Oh well next time, I'll put on some gloves. Because Remi is gonna try to impress next time. Does that mean planned out stories is bad for these things. Because I have just about a dozen ideas, mentally scripted already as well. Would that be cheating? In this regards, you can argue that a piece is not original if already planned out before hand. Though, since it remains to yet be written, that means it's still an original piece? I bet everyone is planning ahead. I just went on a whim for this contest.
>>Remedyfortheheart
Nope, do all the planning you want. Using pre-planned ideas is quite common; many of the writers here keep idea files/folders, filling them whenever inspiration strikes in day-to-day life, and then sifting through them when the prompt drops to find something that fits. I imagine that went doubly so for this round, where we had free reign to choose our theme.
So long as there's no actual drafting of the manuscript until the buzzer starts, you're okay.
Nope, do all the planning you want. Using pre-planned ideas is quite common; many of the writers here keep idea files/folders, filling them whenever inspiration strikes in day-to-day life, and then sifting through them when the prompt drops to find something that fits. I imagine that went doubly so for this round, where we had free reign to choose our theme.
So long as there's no actual drafting of the manuscript until the buzzer starts, you're okay.
>>Remedyfortheheart
I agree with Ratlab here. I myself, had the idea I elaborated upon a few days before the WriteOff started. Sometimes the WriteOff is a nice incentive to put down an idea you've been toying with for long but never had the guts to tackle properly.
So go ahead.
And yeah, I'm sorry for what happened. I could tell you also how my first WriteOff were ordeals, and I self DQed more than once, and I was like a wreck for several days. But I just stuck through because—it's very addictive and the people around here are simply the best critics you'll ever get. Now, after more than a year, I have improved slightly, so I am able to fend off the hardest blows. But I'm still tailing amongst the clumsiest. I don't want to elaborate anymore, but yeah, It was tough. But the game's worth the candle.
And oh I forget: I love your avatar.
I agree with Ratlab here. I myself, had the idea I elaborated upon a few days before the WriteOff started. Sometimes the WriteOff is a nice incentive to put down an idea you've been toying with for long but never had the guts to tackle properly.
So go ahead.
And yeah, I'm sorry for what happened. I could tell you also how my first WriteOff were ordeals, and I self DQed more than once, and I was like a wreck for several days. But I just stuck through because—it's very addictive and the people around here are simply the best critics you'll ever get. Now, after more than a year, I have improved slightly, so I am able to fend off the hardest blows. But I'm still tailing amongst the clumsiest. I don't want to elaborate anymore, but yeah, It was tough. But the game's worth the candle.
And oh I forget: I love your avatar.
>>Ratlab
All hail the mouse on a block of cheese! Thank you for the wise words. And that cancels out half my ideas as they've been put on paper already with a quick list of events and summary of a beginning.
>>Monokeras
Thank you as well. From what I'm sensing your an above average write. And this is comparing the levels of creativity and originality from other authors on FIMFICTION and well "roleplayers" from about three different sites. You're improving more than you take yourself for. One step at a time and you'll become better than you've ever expected to be. Don't sell yourself short. I know I use to do it to myself.
Awww! You called me pretty!....Say it again! TELL ME I'M PRETTY!
All hail the mouse on a block of cheese! Thank you for the wise words. And that cancels out half my ideas as they've been put on paper already with a quick list of events and summary of a beginning.
>>Monokeras
Thank you as well. From what I'm sensing your an above average write. And this is comparing the levels of creativity and originality from other authors on FIMFICTION and well "roleplayers" from about three different sites. You're improving more than you take yourself for. One step at a time and you'll become better than you've ever expected to be. Don't sell yourself short. I know I use to do it to myself.
Awww! You called me pretty!....Say it again! TELL ME I'M PRETTY!
>>Remedyfortheheart
I don't think written outlines and summaries are necessarily grounds for elimination; how else are we supposed to remember story ideas otherwise?
So long as there's no actual narrative text, (or at least little enough not to violate the spirit of ther rule) you ought to be fine. I don't know that having a line or two would necessarily be grounds for disqualification. My idea seeds sometimes contain a first line, last line, or some particularly evocative snippet.
そして、なぜローマ字に書くの？ちゃんとに書いてください。:raritywink:
I don't think written outlines and summaries are necessarily grounds for elimination; how else are we supposed to remember story ideas otherwise?
So long as there's no actual narrative text, (or at least little enough not to violate the spirit of ther rule) you ought to be fine. I don't know that having a line or two would necessarily be grounds for disqualification. My idea seeds sometimes contain a first line, last line, or some particularly evocative snippet.
そして、なぜローマ字に書くの？ちゃんとに書いてください。:raritywink:
I recently talked to my friend about this writeoff and I explained the idea of commenting on your own story to disguise the fact that you wrote it. He thought it was a pointless, silly thing to do that would only get you in trouble, and while I told him that I won't get kicked out unless I actually say which story I wrote ahead of time, I couldn't think of a reason why it's a sensible thing to do. Can anyone else?
>>Solitair
I never do it, which practically does not matter since I never happened to review all stories in a round.
It’s important in case you want, as FoME and some other endeavour every so often, to make a grand slam.
I never do it, which practically does not matter since I never happened to review all stories in a round.
It’s important in case you want, as FoME and some other endeavour every so often, to make a grand slam.
>>Solitair
Assuming you don't review your own story, then the more stories you DO review will decrease the pool of possible candidates for your story. So it'll be easier for someone to figure which story you wrote by process of exclusion. (Especially if you get through to the finals, and especially if you have a distinctive style.)
I suppose it's only really helpful if you regularly review a large portion of the stories.
Assuming you don't review your own story, then the more stories you DO review will decrease the pool of possible candidates for your story. So it'll be easier for someone to figure which story you wrote by process of exclusion. (Especially if you get through to the finals, and especially if you have a distinctive style.)
I suppose it's only really helpful if you regularly review a large portion of the stories.
>>Solitair
The obvious answer is that it can help ensure anonymity. If you're only commenting on your initial slate, then it probably won't be necessary, but if you're reviewing all (or even most) of the stories, then you should consider including your own in there just to allay suspicion.
Some people have also been known to comment on their own stories to explain things when the other readers aren't understanding the story. Obviously this could make some people think you wrote the story, but it won't be enough to disqualify you as long as you can maintain the guise of a normal reader who happened to pick up on things that other readers didn't. It could be argued that this is somewhat unfair, but it's really up to you to decide.
Along similar lines, I suppose you could make a comment that basically says "hey, this story brings up this interesting point. What does everyone else think about it?" just to spark some discussion and draw attention to your story. Or if you really have no morals, you could give your own story a glowing review to try to influence other people's opinions of it. But in addition to their questionable ethicality, a review like these could easily backfire, and will probably only work once anyway.
The obvious answer is that it can help ensure anonymity. If you're only commenting on your initial slate, then it probably won't be necessary, but if you're reviewing all (or even most) of the stories, then you should consider including your own in there just to allay suspicion.
Some people have also been known to comment on their own stories to explain things when the other readers aren't understanding the story. Obviously this could make some people think you wrote the story, but it won't be enough to disqualify you as long as you can maintain the guise of a normal reader who happened to pick up on things that other readers didn't. It could be argued that this is somewhat unfair, but it's really up to you to decide.
Along similar lines, I suppose you could make a comment that basically says "hey, this story brings up this interesting point. What does everyone else think about it?" just to spark some discussion and draw attention to your story. Or if you really have no morals, you could give your own story a glowing review to try to influence other people's opinions of it. But in addition to their questionable ethicality, a review like these could easily backfire, and will probably only work once anyway.
>>The_Letter_J
Oh really? I pretty much do this every writeoff. :derpytongue:
More seriously, though, I find reviewing your own story to be... an interesting experience. It definitely does let you highlight things you thought were important that other people were missing, or push back against what you think are basic misunderstandings. At the same time, I'm mostly in the Death of the Author camp, so I tend to feel like if you want/need to do either of these things, your story is failing on a fundamental level anyway (though of course it's perfectly reasonable to have one or two readers who completely miss the point—but if everyone's missing the point, that's probably not an issue with your readers).
There are also a lot of little considerations you have to worry about on doing a self-review well, I think. I know there are some very specific differences between my self-reviews and my normal reviews, and I'm not going to mention what they are because I think y'all might well be able to identify me based on the tells I've noticed, even though I've been working to cover them up. And like J said,I live between I and K being too positive on your own story can work out badly sometimes. I think one of the more common tells is when someone nitpicks a minor point that doesn't really speak much to the overall quality of the story—though this happens in conventional reviews quite a bit as well.
And there's the question of when you do it. I've wanted to drop the first review on one of my stories for a while, but that can be particularly dangerous since I often don't have a good sense for what the reaction to my story is going to be. Jumping in and joining the consensus later is much easier, because you can blend in with the crowd and share insights from other reviewers as if they were your own. On the other hand, for someone like me who makes a point of avoiding reviews on stories he hasn't read until after he's gone through the story[1], one easy tell to develop is to respond to other people's comments in your review of your own story while not doing it in your reviews of anything else.
tl;dr reviewing your own story is an art.
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[1] Speaking of, Roger, I just want to say that I adore the story-linked comment setup. It's really nice to be able to finish a story, add my review, and then immediately read what other people thought and respond to their comments if I feel like it. This is one of my favorite features of the new site structure you've got going on. Thank you!
Or if you really have no morals, you could give your own story a glowing review to try to influence other people's opinions of it. But in addition to their questionable ethicality, a review like these could easily backfire, and will probably only work once anyway.
Oh really? I pretty much do this every writeoff. :derpytongue:
More seriously, though, I find reviewing your own story to be... an interesting experience. It definitely does let you highlight things you thought were important that other people were missing, or push back against what you think are basic misunderstandings. At the same time, I'm mostly in the Death of the Author camp, so I tend to feel like if you want/need to do either of these things, your story is failing on a fundamental level anyway (though of course it's perfectly reasonable to have one or two readers who completely miss the point—but if everyone's missing the point, that's probably not an issue with your readers).
There are also a lot of little considerations you have to worry about on doing a self-review well, I think. I know there are some very specific differences between my self-reviews and my normal reviews, and I'm not going to mention what they are because I think y'all might well be able to identify me based on the tells I've noticed, even though I've been working to cover them up. And like J said,
And there's the question of when you do it. I've wanted to drop the first review on one of my stories for a while, but that can be particularly dangerous since I often don't have a good sense for what the reaction to my story is going to be. Jumping in and joining the consensus later is much easier, because you can blend in with the crowd and share insights from other reviewers as if they were your own. On the other hand, for someone like me who makes a point of avoiding reviews on stories he hasn't read until after he's gone through the story[1], one easy tell to develop is to respond to other people's comments in your review of your own story while not doing it in your reviews of anything else.
tl;dr reviewing your own story is an art.
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[1] Speaking of, Roger, I just want to say that I adore the story-linked comment setup. It's really nice to be able to finish a story, add my review, and then immediately read what other people thought and respond to their comments if I feel like it. This is one of my favorite features of the new site structure you've got going on. Thank you!
>>Bradel
I think I might not have explained myself properly. I didn't mean that you should never give your story a good review, I was thinking more that you probably shouldn't give your story an undeservedly positive review. If everyone thinks that a story is mediocre at best, except for one person who claims it's the best thing they've ever read, and that person turns out to be the author, then people might start getting suspicious. And if that author writes another very positive review on a mediocre story in the next round, then people will probably start to think that they're at it again.
I agree that reviewing your own story is an art, or at least the application of a developed skill. You need to be able to ignore your own pride and prejudice and see your story for how good it actually is. And if you can't do that on your own, you can always use other people's reviews to guide you.
I think I might not have explained myself properly. I didn't mean that you should never give your story a good review, I was thinking more that you probably shouldn't give your story an undeservedly positive review. If everyone thinks that a story is mediocre at best, except for one person who claims it's the best thing they've ever read, and that person turns out to be the author, then people might start getting suspicious. And if that author writes another very positive review on a mediocre story in the next round, then people will probably start to think that they're at it again.
I agree that reviewing your own story is an art, or at least the application of a developed skill. You need to be able to ignore your own pride and prejudice and see your story for how good it actually is. And if you can't do that on your own, you can always use other people's reviews to guide you.
>>The_Letter_J
Can I write a fake review of my story and say it’s the worst shit ever?
Because, you know, I’d rather do that than the opposite
Can I write a fake review of my story and say it’s the worst shit ever?
Because, you know, I’d rather do that than the opposite
>>Monokeras
You certainly could, though I'm not sure that there would be much of a point, except to convince people that you didn't write it.
There have definitely been times that I've felt that way about my stories, though they usually end up being not quite as bad as I think. Those prejudices that I said you need to ignore when reviewing your own stories can go either way.
You certainly could, though I'm not sure that there would be much of a point, except to convince people that you didn't write it.
There have definitely been times that I've felt that way about my stories, though they usually end up being not quite as bad as I think. Those prejudices that I said you need to ignore when reviewing your own stories can go either way.
>>The_Letter_J
Which is precisely one of the goals you seek to reach.
I can’t say I’ve (yet) written a story I’m proud of. All of them I end up disowning, either before I actually finished them (as it happened this round) or a few days after the end of the contest at most.
You certainly could, though I'm not sure that there would be much of a point, except to convince people that you didn't write it.
Which is precisely one of the goals you seek to reach.
I can’t say I’ve (yet) written a story I’m proud of. All of them I end up disowning, either before I actually finished them (as it happened this round) or a few days after the end of the contest at most.
>>The_Letter_J
Didn't >>TitaniumDragon do that once? Or possibly more than once? :duck:
(I figure it's pretty fair for TD, though, 'cause I think he usually does think it's the best thing he's ever read and everybody else is just wrong—so it's not like he's actually trying to be manipulative.)
Didn't >>TitaniumDragon do that once? Or possibly more than once? :duck:
(I figure it's pretty fair for TD, though, 'cause I think he usually does think it's the best thing he's ever read and everybody else is just wrong—so it's not like he's actually trying to be manipulative.)
>>Monokeras
Yes, but a mediocre review or one that just goes along with what everyone else is saying will achieve that goal nearly as well, with the added benefit of not potentially shooting yourself in the foot.
And I don't just mean that your story might not do as well in the rankings. If your negative review of your own story colors other people's perceptions of it, they might be more likely to just agree with you and reinforce your opinion of your story. And isn't it more useful to you as a writer to get pure and uncorrupted feedback instead of your own opinion echoed back at you?
This does apply to the really good stories here too, but not quite as much, I think. If your story is good, and you know that it's good, then trading more useful feedback for a higher score/happier readers might be more worth it. But trading more useful feedback for low scores and disappointed readers doesn't really make much sense.
Yes, but a mediocre review or one that just goes along with what everyone else is saying will achieve that goal nearly as well, with the added benefit of not potentially shooting yourself in the foot.
And I don't just mean that your story might not do as well in the rankings. If your negative review of your own story colors other people's perceptions of it, they might be more likely to just agree with you and reinforce your opinion of your story. And isn't it more useful to you as a writer to get pure and uncorrupted feedback instead of your own opinion echoed back at you?
This does apply to the really good stories here too, but not quite as much, I think. If your story is good, and you know that it's good, then trading more useful feedback for a higher score/happier readers might be more worth it. But trading more useful feedback for low scores and disappointed readers doesn't really make much sense.
>>Bradel
Possibly? But I don't know. And now that I think of it, I don't think I've actually read very many of TD's stories, so I don't know how he's been reviewing them. I don't actually know of anyone who's been doing this sort of thing (though I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to it either). So it's all just hypothetical to me.
But the fact that you noticed that TD has (possibly) done it before kind of proves my point. If you notice him giving a story a much more positive review than anyone else now, won't you be more likely to guess that he wrote it?
Possibly? But I don't know. And now that I think of it, I don't think I've actually read very many of TD's stories, so I don't know how he's been reviewing them. I don't actually know of anyone who's been doing this sort of thing (though I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to it either). So it's all just hypothetical to me.
But the fact that you noticed that TD has (possibly) done it before kind of proves my point. If you notice him giving a story a much more positive review than anyone else now, won't you be more likely to guess that he wrote it?
>>The_Letter_J
Or, on the contrary, they might strongly disagree and point out the positive things that stand out.
I think it’s a crapshoot strategy, so, as a result, I just don't review my own stories and get as objective reviews as one may get.
Irrelevant, at least in my case.
If your negative review of your own story colors other people's perceptions of it, they might be more likely to just agree with you and reinforce your opinion of your story.
Or, on the contrary, they might strongly disagree and point out the positive things that stand out.
I think it’s a crapshoot strategy, so, as a result, I just don't review my own stories and get as objective reviews as one may get.
If your story is good, and you know that it's good, …
Irrelevant, at least in my case.
>>Monokeras
I suppose that is hypothetically possible, but it seems unlikely to work, in my opinion. I still think it would do more harm than good though.
I suppose that is hypothetically possible, but it seems unlikely to work, in my opinion. I still think it would do more harm than good though.
I never review my own stories. I don't want someone to check the comment count and assume it has enough reviews already.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
This might sound like a dumb question, but where can I find this group chat?
This might sound like a dumb question, but where can I find this group chat?
So, I entered under an assumed name, because I really feel my story has deep flaws, and the raging self-doubt that inundates every day of my existence convinced me it would be swiftly swept away at finals. Also, I wanted to try out the alias thing, and this seemed like as good a chance as any.
But... people seemed to like it despite the flaws, which is pretty cool. Also, we had a smallish turnout, and you guys would be able to peg me by elimination now anyways. So, if you're guessing for me, you can guess me as TheSecondMouse.
He's the one who gets the cheese.
Sorry for the confusion. In the future, I'll probably either go Anonymous, or stick to my own account.
But... people seemed to like it despite the flaws, which is pretty cool. Also, we had a smallish turnout, and you guys would be able to peg me by elimination now anyways. So, if you're guessing for me, you can guess me as TheSecondMouse.
He's the one who gets the cheese.
Sorry for the confusion. In the future, I'll probably either go Anonymous, or stick to my own account.
>>Cold in Gardez
Writeoff Podcast review:
For some reason, I had severe problems playing this on my iPhone, and had to listen to it on my computer. Still, despite having listened to the first minute of the 30-minute podcast eight times in a row, this was a gripping tale of one man's struggle against a faceless, uncaring transit system, interspersed with a great deal of profound debate on the nature of story prompts. I think the biggest appeal for Writeoff fans, though, is the nostalgia factor -- remembering the greatest hits of days gone by, even if there was a weird fixation on the now-unavailable Start Recursion. Fortunately, the multiple mentions of the Writeoff's resident non-changeling were a welcome distraction from those debates, and the discussion of how to pronounce "CiG" should have most listeners rolling in the (bus) aisles.
Ultimately, this is worth it for that shining golden moment when the bus finally arrives. 10/10 would listen again
Writeoff Podcast review:
For some reason, I had severe problems playing this on my iPhone, and had to listen to it on my computer. Still, despite having listened to the first minute of the 30-minute podcast eight times in a row, this was a gripping tale of one man's struggle against a faceless, uncaring transit system, interspersed with a great deal of profound debate on the nature of story prompts. I think the biggest appeal for Writeoff fans, though, is the nostalgia factor -- remembering the greatest hits of days gone by, even if there was a weird fixation on the now-unavailable Start Recursion. Fortunately, the multiple mentions of the Writeoff's resident non-changeling were a welcome distraction from those debates, and the discussion of how to pronounce "CiG" should have most listeners rolling in the (bus) aisles.
Ultimately, this is worth it for that shining golden moment when the bus finally arrives. 10/10 would listen again
Because no-one's done mashups yet...
The /mi:m/ Upon His Forehead:
"Tell the truth, Emet."
"Y-you're... a LOLcat."
The Procession of the Tiny Planets:
Mr. Wormsturm hid a smile as he picked up Sophie's dropped test. "Give her half a Goddamn hour," he murmured to Alice and Bernice. "She's got family issues, but she'll be fine with just a bit of impetus."
Doubt Not the Stars are Homebound:
The astronaut stepped out of the capsule, re-entry's roar and rattle still ringing in his ears. A man with a clipboard greeted him.
"You actually completed it." He jotted a note. "Initiative, dealing with pressure, ingenuity; top marks all. Welcome to the mission, Mr. Vance. Your simulation was a success."
Don't You Cry for the Necromancer's Wife:
I picked up the book Mom had dropped. My eyebrows rose at the title: Learn Necromancy in Four Easy Steps and Two Ridiculously Hard Ones! By Peter Wade
Extra Extra:
"The first round I remember is 'I Regret Nothing'..."
:)
The /mi:m/ Upon His Forehead:
"Tell the truth, Emet."
"Y-you're... a LOLcat."
The Procession of the Tiny Planets:
Mr. Wormsturm hid a smile as he picked up Sophie's dropped test. "Give her half a Goddamn hour," he murmured to Alice and Bernice. "She's got family issues, but she'll be fine with just a bit of impetus."
Doubt Not the Stars are Homebound:
The astronaut stepped out of the capsule, re-entry's roar and rattle still ringing in his ears. A man with a clipboard greeted him.
"You actually completed it." He jotted a note. "Initiative, dealing with pressure, ingenuity; top marks all. Welcome to the mission, Mr. Vance. Your simulation was a success."
Don't You Cry for the Necromancer's Wife:
I picked up the book Mom had dropped. My eyebrows rose at the title: Learn Necromancy in Four Easy Steps and Two Ridiculously Hard Ones! By Peter Wade
Extra Extra:
"The first round I remember is 'I Regret Nothing'..."
:)
>>The_Letter_J
Usually there are several stories in any given round that I like, so the fact that I am my own biggest fan is usually obscured by that. Also, I actually do try to tone things down sometimes, and I usually try to wait for other people to review my stuff to riff off of them (and to avoid giving away anything I thought was obvious which others don't pick up on, as that's just cheating).
I use an RNG to figure out when to review my own stories, though. Sometimes I'll review my stories early, sometimes late, sometimes not at all, depending on the roll of the dice. This makes it harder to guess which story is mine.
That and the fact that I'm not always in love with my own things; some of my stories have real problems and I'm aware of them and will poke at them.
Horizon is better at reviewing his own stuff than I am, but I have to review my own stuff as a necessary evil of writing a lot of reviews; if I never review my own stuff, people get suspicious.
Also, if I forget to use the RNG (as I have a couple times), I'll sometimes end up reviewing my own stories LAST, which is definitely not suspicious at all. :|
Usually there are several stories in any given round that I like, so the fact that I am my own biggest fan is usually obscured by that. Also, I actually do try to tone things down sometimes, and I usually try to wait for other people to review my stuff to riff off of them (and to avoid giving away anything I thought was obvious which others don't pick up on, as that's just cheating).
I use an RNG to figure out when to review my own stories, though. Sometimes I'll review my stories early, sometimes late, sometimes not at all, depending on the roll of the dice. This makes it harder to guess which story is mine.
That and the fact that I'm not always in love with my own things; some of my stories have real problems and I'm aware of them and will poke at them.
Horizon is better at reviewing his own stuff than I am, but I have to review my own stuff as a necessary evil of writing a lot of reviews; if I never review my own stuff, people get suspicious.
Also, if I forget to use the RNG (as I have a couple times), I'll sometimes end up reviewing my own stories LAST, which is definitely not suspicious at all. :|
>>Not_A_Hat
:D I'm always up for a good round of mashups!
The Plight of the Spectrum-American
…But with the rise of digital childhoods in the 21st Century, stuffed animals like Kitty are increasingly finding themselves locked out of the lives of city-dwelling children.
"Once they get on the Internet, that's it," Kitty said. "Childhood over. The toys out in rural areas, where families sometimes can't even get dial-up Internet, are the lucky ones."
To Make A Landscape Photograph
As I was taking my next-to-last photo of Pripyat, a ball bounced off a nearby wall and rolled over to my feet. A child came over to retrieve it. A child? Was there hope for this ruined world yet?
But he stared at my scars, so I broke his fingers.
My last photo wasn't exactly what I had expected, but it certainly was memorable.
Extra Planets
I looked around the room, then reached out for the Focus. Mr. Wormstrum frowned, and that's when I knew it was going to work. "Keep your eyes on your Magical Theory Exam, Mathexa."
Instead, I dashed out of the room and ran out to the snowy fields, dragging the Focus with me, dropping to my knees and sobbing about my tragic past as … hm. The talented child of demanding parents, forced into a field she hated? That should work. I felt the Focus sharpen and coalesce.
Having established my latent, untapped abilities, I decided to test them by lighting the snow on fire. Behind me, Alice gasped. "That's impossible!"
"No, this is impossible," I retorted, and blew the school up.
Doubt Not The Encounter At Dusk
"In retrospect," I said to myself as I stared at her arrow-riddled body, "writing 'JOAN OF ARC WILL SAVE FRANCE, 30:00:00' in giant letters of fire across the sky might have been a little bit premature."
The Last Burdens Of Knights And Dragons, Cut Loose
"Arthur," I said, fingering the fake claw from the plastic skeleton, "do you remember that dragon you once rescued me from? The one I was in love with, who sacrificed himself to save us?"
He had to think about that for a while as we walked. "Yeah, he was pretty tasty, I guess. Why do you ask, Hazel?"
"Oh, no reason," I said as I led him into the foggy cave.
Certainty's Name Upon His Forehead
Liar was roughly shoved to his feet. The guards dragged him to the room with the priest.
"Do you seek my guiding hand through the journey before you?" the priest said.
A smile leapt unbidden to Liar's face. "No, priest. I do not require—"
"FALSE," Emmett said.
This Homebound Feeling
I stepped outside of the little cottage again, avoiding the holes in the ground. Another UFO streaked southward through the sky.
… Wait. That wasn't a UFO. It was a … Mars lander? Apparently returning to Earth from outer space?
How cool! I hoped its pilot was having as much fun on his adventure as I was!
:D I'm always up for a good round of mashups!
The Plight of the Spectrum-American
…But with the rise of digital childhoods in the 21st Century, stuffed animals like Kitty are increasingly finding themselves locked out of the lives of city-dwelling children.
"Once they get on the Internet, that's it," Kitty said. "Childhood over. The toys out in rural areas, where families sometimes can't even get dial-up Internet, are the lucky ones."
To Make A Landscape Photograph
As I was taking my next-to-last photo of Pripyat, a ball bounced off a nearby wall and rolled over to my feet. A child came over to retrieve it. A child? Was there hope for this ruined world yet?
But he stared at my scars, so I broke his fingers.
My last photo wasn't exactly what I had expected, but it certainly was memorable.
Extra Planets
I looked around the room, then reached out for the Focus. Mr. Wormstrum frowned, and that's when I knew it was going to work. "Keep your eyes on your Magical Theory Exam, Mathexa."
Instead, I dashed out of the room and ran out to the snowy fields, dragging the Focus with me, dropping to my knees and sobbing about my tragic past as … hm. The talented child of demanding parents, forced into a field she hated? That should work. I felt the Focus sharpen and coalesce.
Having established my latent, untapped abilities, I decided to test them by lighting the snow on fire. Behind me, Alice gasped. "That's impossible!"
"No, this is impossible," I retorted, and blew the school up.
Doubt Not The Encounter At Dusk
"In retrospect," I said to myself as I stared at her arrow-riddled body, "writing 'JOAN OF ARC WILL SAVE FRANCE, 30:00:00' in giant letters of fire across the sky might have been a little bit premature."
The Last Burdens Of Knights And Dragons, Cut Loose
"Arthur," I said, fingering the fake claw from the plastic skeleton, "do you remember that dragon you once rescued me from? The one I was in love with, who sacrificed himself to save us?"
He had to think about that for a while as we walked. "Yeah, he was pretty tasty, I guess. Why do you ask, Hazel?"
"Oh, no reason," I said as I led him into the foggy cave.
Certainty's Name Upon His Forehead
Liar was roughly shoved to his feet. The guards dragged him to the room with the priest.
"Do you seek my guiding hand through the journey before you?" the priest said.
A smile leapt unbidden to Liar's face. "No, priest. I do not require—"
"FALSE," Emmett said.
This Homebound Feeling
I stepped outside of the little cottage again, avoiding the holes in the ground. Another UFO streaked southward through the sky.
… Wait. That wasn't a UFO. It was a … Mars lander? Apparently returning to Earth from outer space?
How cool! I hoped its pilot was having as much fun on his adventure as I was!
And by request of the chat … ;-p
Mashups: Mashed Potato Edition
The Necromancer's Potatoes
That looks like… a vampire potato plague," Peter frowned. "This isn't good."
"Going for the old bake-and-stake?" Sabriel's eyes gazed out over the town. "By the size of the oven, most everyone will be fanging their French fries by morning."
The P-recession of the P-otatoes
"BIX!" Mauli yelled, rolling in a furious circle around him, her tuber occasionally roughly bumping into his. "Growing season began at 10 Spuddamn o'clock this Spuddamn morning, and you're still Spuddamn sitting there like you're in a Spuddamn bag at the Spuddamn store! If we're not ready for harvesting by the Spuddamn time the Spuddamn farmer is out here, THE ENTIRE ECONOMY SPUDDAMN CRASHES!"
"Geez, what rabbit pooped in her fertilizer," Bix muttered.
"It's too late for it, man," Teb whispered back. "Just take the mashing until her rage boils off. Seriously, kind of your own fault though. Everyone knows not to catch her eye."
No Potatoes! I Had Fun!
Potatoes Do It
After their breathing steadied somewhat, Starchy fished a cigarette from her pack. “Before we quit smoking, though, you ever smoked after sex?”
Spuds shook his head no, grew out a tendril toward hers, and pushed a sprout through the soft dirt up to the surface.
Mashups: Mashed Potato Edition
The Necromancer's Potatoes
That looks like… a vampire potato plague," Peter frowned. "This isn't good."
"Going for the old bake-and-stake?" Sabriel's eyes gazed out over the town. "By the size of the oven, most everyone will be fanging their French fries by morning."
The P-recession of the P-otatoes
"BIX!" Mauli yelled, rolling in a furious circle around him, her tuber occasionally roughly bumping into his. "Growing season began at 10 Spuddamn o'clock this Spuddamn morning, and you're still Spuddamn sitting there like you're in a Spuddamn bag at the Spuddamn store! If we're not ready for harvesting by the Spuddamn time the Spuddamn farmer is out here, THE ENTIRE ECONOMY SPUDDAMN CRASHES!"
"Geez, what rabbit pooped in her fertilizer," Bix muttered.
"It's too late for it, man," Teb whispered back. "Just take the mashing until her rage boils off. Seriously, kind of your own fault though. Everyone knows not to catch her eye."
No Potatoes! I Had Fun!
Potatoes Do It
After their breathing steadied somewhat, Starchy fished a cigarette from her pack. “Before we quit smoking, though, you ever smoked after sex?”
Spuds shook his head no, grew out a tendril toward hers, and pushed a sprout through the soft dirt up to the surface.
Hm. Well I'm working on them. I was preoccupied with things but I guess I can do the prelims. I also wanted access to the ones that are disqualified. Um...are they completely gone?
Post by
wYvern
, deleted
Congratulations to Dubs, CiG and Baal Bunny. Those were great stories. And to all the others, kudos guys, it was a really strong round and I'm kinda amazed I ended up here with you.
Actual retrospective tomorrow, but: oh my god i can't believe i made it through that round without a DQ
Congratulations to everyone for surviving another round (especially with that brutal lack of prompt), but to Dubs, CiG and Baal in particular! I get to walk away from this round having guessed half the entrants — including all of the finalists — so I reckon I'm happy. ^.^
Congratulations to everyone for surviving another round (especially with that brutal lack of prompt), but to Dubs, CiG and Baal in particular! I get to walk away from this round having guessed half the entrants — including all of the finalists — so I reckon I'm happy. ^.^
Ah, and now that anonymity is broken...
Roger, I'd like to ask you for the capability to upvote my own comments, in order to preserve anonymity. This round, I commented/reviewed all the finalists, including my own.
When I'd commented on my own, however, I realized that I'd been up-voting all the reviews my story had received, but couldn't up-vote the one I'd left myself! If anyone had been watching that, they could have narrowed their guesses to me or Georg, who's review I didn't up-vote at first, and later wouldn't because it would leave mine as the only one unmarked. (Sorry, Georg!)
Alternately, in the future, I'll have to refrain from upvoting other people's reviews on my stories, which seems less than ideal. I want to show my appreciation for them.
Roger, I'd like to ask you for the capability to upvote my own comments, in order to preserve anonymity. This round, I commented/reviewed all the finalists, including my own.
When I'd commented on my own, however, I realized that I'd been up-voting all the reviews my story had received, but couldn't up-vote the one I'd left myself! If anyone had been watching that, they could have narrowed their guesses to me or Georg, who's review I didn't up-vote at first, and later wouldn't because it would leave mine as the only one unmarked. (Sorry, Georg!)
Alternately, in the future, I'll have to refrain from upvoting other people's reviews on my stories, which seems less than ideal. I want to show my appreciation for them.
Okay! Some quick thoughts.
First, congrats to Dubs on his amazing performance this round. I suspected it when I was judging my slate, but the votes really bore it out: Don't You Cry for Me simply demolished this round. I don't think I've ever seen a round that had such a going-away winner.
Congratulations also to Mike and Ferd Threstle, whose Extra actually earned my top score (just narrowly edging out Don't You Cry for Me, which I gave my second spot). In fact, 2nd-4th place were all extremely close by score, and it easily could have gone to anyone.
Which brings me to my most important point: as a whole, this round is probably the most impressive writing project I've ever been involved with. Every story had something to be proud of, and the finals were all competent, professional works. I would have been happy with 5th place in this round.
First, congrats to Dubs on his amazing performance this round. I suspected it when I was judging my slate, but the votes really bore it out: Don't You Cry for Me simply demolished this round. I don't think I've ever seen a round that had such a going-away winner.
Congratulations also to Mike and Ferd Threstle, whose Extra actually earned my top score (just narrowly edging out Don't You Cry for Me, which I gave my second spot). In fact, 2nd-4th place were all extremely close by score, and it easily could have gone to anyone.
Which brings me to my most important point: as a whole, this round is probably the most impressive writing project I've ever been involved with. Every story had something to be proud of, and the finals were all competent, professional works. I would have been happy with 5th place in this round.
Dubs, Cig & Baal,
Congratulations, guys!
I know, also, I've been super-critical this round. Perhaps I'll talk about that later.
Congratulations, guys!
I know, also, I've been super-critical this round. Perhaps I'll talk about that later.
>>Not_A_Hat
Seconded. I started doing some wonky comment voting after a couple days, just because I could see that this was going to be a problem.
Seconded. I started doing some wonky comment voting after a couple days, just because I could see that this was going to be a problem.
>>horizon
I was so sure:
About my guesses in the finals this time, and in the end, as usual, I guessed exactly none of the stories correctly. I'm surprised I didn't attribute "Equinoxes" to someone else... :)
Mike
I was so sure:
About my guesses in the finals this time, and in the end, as usual, I guessed exactly none of the stories correctly. I'm surprised I didn't attribute "Equinoxes" to someone else... :)
Mike
>>Not_A_Hat, >>Bradel
Good point. Would be nice to at least allow upthumbing your own comments in your own story's thread.
Good point. Would be nice to at least allow upthumbing your own comments in your own story's thread.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Bradel
>>Ratlab
I think you're overrating how much information can be inferred from upvotes alone. The number of false positives one would run into relying on such a scheme would be quite high.
It would serve no purpose to allow you to upvote your own posts. It should be assumed any person would upvote their own posts (you agree with yourself don't you?), so if you want a snapshot of what it'd be like if it were allowed, just give every post +1 upvote. No entropy is added.
If you're concerned about being caught out, you need to be less predictable.
>>Bradel
>>Ratlab
I think you're overrating how much information can be inferred from upvotes alone. The number of false positives one would run into relying on such a scheme would be quite high.
It would serve no purpose to allow you to upvote your own posts. It should be assumed any person would upvote their own posts (you agree with yourself don't you?), so if you want a snapshot of what it'd be like if it were allowed, just give every post +1 upvote. No entropy is added.
If you're concerned about being caught out, you need to be less predictable.
>>RogerDodger
I would never up thumb one of my posts.
Likewise I never up thumb my stories on FimFic. That's basic ethics for me.
I would never up thumb one of my posts.
Likewise I never up thumb my stories on FimFic. That's basic ethics for me.
>>Cold in Gardez
You're right, Don't You Cry For Me just set a new relative scoring record. The previous winner was Time Enough For Love, with 3.47 to second place's 1.29 (a multiplier of 2.68x). Don't You Cry was 3.31 to 1.09 for a multiplier of 3.03x. Nicely done, Dubs!
>>Not_A_Hat >>Bradel >>Ratlab
One possible solution is to make a confederation of a few comment readers who will upvote any reviews on other people's stories that haven't received any upvotes yet (leaving the others alone), or who will randomly add upvotes to reviews on other peoples' stories. Then you can keep your own voting patterns on your own stories with some confidence that your own votes will be masked by the noise.
You're right, Don't You Cry For Me just set a new relative scoring record. The previous winner was Time Enough For Love, with 3.47 to second place's 1.29 (a multiplier of 2.68x). Don't You Cry was 3.31 to 1.09 for a multiplier of 3.03x. Nicely done, Dubs!
>>Not_A_Hat >>Bradel >>Ratlab
One possible solution is to make a confederation of a few comment readers who will upvote any reviews on other people's stories that haven't received any upvotes yet (leaving the others alone), or who will randomly add upvotes to reviews on other peoples' stories. Then you can keep your own voting patterns on your own stories with some confidence that your own votes will be masked by the noise.
>>Monokeras
Funny. I do like my own stories, because I try never to publish something that I myself don't like.
Funny. I do like my own stories, because I try never to publish something that I myself don't like.
Hello, friends! Another round come and gone, and what a round this was!
As you probably know by now, I wrote Don’t You Cry For Me. And, as you also probably know, I got first place! Like… holy shit! I’ve never gotten higher than seventh place before this. If you were in the Discord chat last night in the last few minutes leading up to results, you know how terrified I was. The reviews were going good, yeah, but I was completely expecting the rug to be ripped out from under my feet at the last second.
But then results came out… and not only did I win, but if >>horizon and Roger are to be believed, I won by the highest margin in WriteOff history. And that’s not even mentioning prelims, where I had a relative score of 8.94 (!!!) compared to the next highest’s 2.33. Again: holy shit.
When I saw that, I swear, I nearly cried. I held my head in my hands and just shook, thanking God for granting me the grace to write a story all of you loved so much.
I’ve been worried over the past day or so that I’ve sounded like an egotistical ass talking about my win. So, right here, I just wanna say to all of you: thank you. Genuinely. Thank you with all I have. I’ve competed in nearly every single WriteOff since January 2015. These competitions are a massive part of my life. So for you guys to grant me the honor of winning like this is just… thank you. I wouldn’t be anything without all of you.
When the prompt (or lack thereof) was released, I had no ideas. I wasn’t even planning on entering, actually. But then I had a conversation with Monokeras, and he made a bet with me that I would score somewhere within the top five—I denied it at the time, but it looks like you were right, buddy.
Anyway, yeah, I had no ideas. What I did have, however, was a memory. On my last bus ride back up to Geneseo, I happened to pass through a tiny town near the center of New York State called Westover. Specifically, the highway crossed through a neighborhood in town called Glenwood.
Glancing out the window, I found myself immediately struck by the image of Glenwood. In the few seconds we spent passing, I saw a row of tiny brown houses, all sitting next to a massive graveyard, which went up the hill. In my mind’s eye I saw a vision of two kids climbing up that hill, weaving between trees and graves, and I knew that I wanted to write something about that someday. I wrote down a few notes about the town and moved on.
Then came this WriteOff. Looking through my ideas document, I stumbled upon the notes I had taken about Glenwood, and made the decision to write a story about it. The first paragraph I wrote was this:
I wrote this completely randomly, with no plot in mind. I then spent a little while trying to think of what sort of story this paragraph could fit in—and the story I ended up writing was Don’t You Cry For Me. I spent the next two days writing. Nearly the entire second half was done on Sunday night as I was watching WrestleMania 32, and the fic itself was submitted about five minutes before the deadline.
I was absolutely floored by the positive response. Submitting it, I hated this story for so many reasons… so seeing you guys love it was fucking awesome.
So, what’s next, then? I definitely wanna fix this up a bit using the comments I got. I already have one new scene planned out—I’m gonna better develop on the comment I made in passing about Mom taking May and Claire to church, and May sneaking out. In all, I really need to better introduce the surreality and magical realism elements, so the ending doesn’t feel so out of place. Thanks to everyone for their comments.
>>Ferd Threstle
Thank you very much! I dunno about publication just yet, but I’m honored you think this is good enough for that. Thanks for reading!
>>Lucky_Dreams
Yeah, when I first came up with that image of the two kids climbing up the graveyard hill, I kept imagining them as characters out of Coraline.
I’m really glad you liked the family interactions. Many of May and Mom’s arguments and interactions were heavily based on arguments between my own older sister and mother.
In the rewrite, after the line about Kurt Cobain being overrated trash, there’s gonna be a short moment where Claire notes May emphatically agreeing with her friends… then going home that night and tearing the Cobain poster off her wall.
Thank me for writing? Thank you for reading! You have no idea how much this review lifted my spirits.
>>Solitair
Thank you, sweetie! Yeah, as I talk about a lot with Hat, genre fiction isn’t really my thing. Call me pretentious, but I’m a litfic guy through-and-through.
…Now watch as my next WriteOff piece is high fantasy. :V
Thank you for reading!
>>Oblomov
Я ношу его с гордостью.
>>Baal Bunny
That’s an interesting thought, and not one I had considered before. Hm.
Thanks for reading! And congrats on third! :D
>>KwirkyJ
Sorry it couldn’t quite connect with you. Thanks for reading, regardless!
>>Icenrose
My own Dad was very interested in how I was gonna answer this review. The truth is that no, I haven’t ever experienced something like this, or even anything close. Part of me feels a bit guilty for leading you on like that… and another part is cheering because apparently I got the emotions just right anyway.
I’m sorry for whatever loss you experienced that let this story strike you so hard. But at the same time, I’d be lying if I said that this review wasn’t a great confidence booster. :P
Thanks for reading!
>>Bradel
Hey, Miley.
Good thing that was the point, then! :D
I agree with a lot of your points about Claire’s narration. Most of the examples you pointed out are gonna get tweaked. Same with the timing—I had a fear while writing that the timeline was gonna throw people off.
And I actually made Bradel cry? What?
Thank you for reading, cutie pie!
>>TitaniumDragon
I think that’s an interesting point about the ending, but I think that my real problem is that the magical realism stuff isn’t set up well enough early enough. I’m gonna be working to fix that in the future. I definitely get your point, tho.
Thanks for reading!
>>Cold in Gardez
Cold in Gardez saying he can learn from my prose… okay, it’s official. The world is ending. (Where’s my notification in the sky?)
We already talked a bit in the chat about this stuff, so I don’t think I gotta go over it all again. The father’s body being gone was just faulty thinking on my part, and I don’t think the ending was set up well enough. I’m hoping to fix both of those problems in the future.
Thank you for all your comments, Cold. I appreciate it. And congrats again on second!
>>Not_A_Hat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZXUNZjWTc8
Thanks for reading!
>>Monokeras
I can testify from ongoing experience that upstate New York stays hella cold long after winter has passed.
I agree with your note about there not being much evolution. I’m hoping to fix that.
I was trying to imply that May wanted to go to the graveyard to see their father because she had finally just reached the end of her rope with their Mom. May is upset and distraught, and is willing to try anything out to stop feeling so horrible.
Thanks for reading!
>>horizon
>.>
I’m glad you enjoyed it for what it was, at least. Thanks for reading!
>>Scramblers and Shadows
What do you mean about the graveyard being real? I’m afraid I don’t quite understand. You thought it was imaginary at first?
Thank you for your comment about the verbs. I definitely agree.
Thank you for reading!
Whew… that took a long time.
See you all next WriteOff!
As you probably know by now, I wrote Don’t You Cry For Me. And, as you also probably know, I got first place! Like… holy shit! I’ve never gotten higher than seventh place before this. If you were in the Discord chat last night in the last few minutes leading up to results, you know how terrified I was. The reviews were going good, yeah, but I was completely expecting the rug to be ripped out from under my feet at the last second.
But then results came out… and not only did I win, but if >>horizon and Roger are to be believed, I won by the highest margin in WriteOff history. And that’s not even mentioning prelims, where I had a relative score of 8.94 (!!!) compared to the next highest’s 2.33. Again: holy shit.
When I saw that, I swear, I nearly cried. I held my head in my hands and just shook, thanking God for granting me the grace to write a story all of you loved so much.
I’ve been worried over the past day or so that I’ve sounded like an egotistical ass talking about my win. So, right here, I just wanna say to all of you: thank you. Genuinely. Thank you with all I have. I’ve competed in nearly every single WriteOff since January 2015. These competitions are a massive part of my life. So for you guys to grant me the honor of winning like this is just… thank you. I wouldn’t be anything without all of you.
When the prompt (or lack thereof) was released, I had no ideas. I wasn’t even planning on entering, actually. But then I had a conversation with Monokeras, and he made a bet with me that I would score somewhere within the top five—I denied it at the time, but it looks like you were right, buddy.
Anyway, yeah, I had no ideas. What I did have, however, was a memory. On my last bus ride back up to Geneseo, I happened to pass through a tiny town near the center of New York State called Westover. Specifically, the highway crossed through a neighborhood in town called Glenwood.
Glancing out the window, I found myself immediately struck by the image of Glenwood. In the few seconds we spent passing, I saw a row of tiny brown houses, all sitting next to a massive graveyard, which went up the hill. In my mind’s eye I saw a vision of two kids climbing up that hill, weaving between trees and graves, and I knew that I wanted to write something about that someday. I wrote down a few notes about the town and moved on.
Then came this WriteOff. Looking through my ideas document, I stumbled upon the notes I had taken about Glenwood, and made the decision to write a story about it. The first paragraph I wrote was this:
It had been four months, but I still recognized the thud of Dad’s boots against the steel steps outside. Still I recognized the way he slammed the front door, the shuffle of fabric as he threw his jacket over a chair. For a moment I became one of Pavlov’s dogs, curling deeper into my sheets and waiting for the brush of his hand against my hair, the smell of his kiss on my cheek.
I wrote this completely randomly, with no plot in mind. I then spent a little while trying to think of what sort of story this paragraph could fit in—and the story I ended up writing was Don’t You Cry For Me. I spent the next two days writing. Nearly the entire second half was done on Sunday night as I was watching WrestleMania 32, and the fic itself was submitted about five minutes before the deadline.
I was absolutely floored by the positive response. Submitting it, I hated this story for so many reasons… so seeing you guys love it was fucking awesome.
So, what’s next, then? I definitely wanna fix this up a bit using the comments I got. I already have one new scene planned out—I’m gonna better develop on the comment I made in passing about Mom taking May and Claire to church, and May sneaking out. In all, I really need to better introduce the surreality and magical realism elements, so the ending doesn’t feel so out of place. Thanks to everyone for their comments.
>>Ferd Threstle
Thank you very much! I dunno about publication just yet, but I’m honored you think this is good enough for that. Thanks for reading!
>>Lucky_Dreams
Yeah, when I first came up with that image of the two kids climbing up the graveyard hill, I kept imagining them as characters out of Coraline.
I’m really glad you liked the family interactions. Many of May and Mom’s arguments and interactions were heavily based on arguments between my own older sister and mother.
Yikes!! May, for goodness sake, ditch your friends and make new ones!
In the rewrite, after the line about Kurt Cobain being overrated trash, there’s gonna be a short moment where Claire notes May emphatically agreeing with her friends… then going home that night and tearing the Cobain poster off her wall.
Thank me for writing? Thank you for reading! You have no idea how much this review lifted my spirits.
>>Solitair
Thank you, sweetie! Yeah, as I talk about a lot with Hat, genre fiction isn’t really my thing. Call me pretentious, but I’m a litfic guy through-and-through.
…Now watch as my next WriteOff piece is high fantasy. :V
Thank you for reading!
>>Oblomov
Я ношу его с гордостью.
>>Baal Bunny
That’s an interesting thought, and not one I had considered before. Hm.
Thanks for reading! And congrats on third! :D
>>KwirkyJ
Sorry it couldn’t quite connect with you. Thanks for reading, regardless!
>>Icenrose
My own Dad was very interested in how I was gonna answer this review. The truth is that no, I haven’t ever experienced something like this, or even anything close. Part of me feels a bit guilty for leading you on like that… and another part is cheering because apparently I got the emotions just right anyway.
I’m sorry for whatever loss you experienced that let this story strike you so hard. But at the same time, I’d be lying if I said that this review wasn’t a great confidence booster. :P
Thanks for reading!
>>Bradel
Hey, Miley.
I may be a little neurotic, but I'm really disturbed that nobody cleaned up May's stir fry that was leaking on the floor.
Good thing that was the point, then! :D
I agree with a lot of your points about Claire’s narration. Most of the examples you pointed out are gonna get tweaked. Same with the timing—I had a fear while writing that the timeline was gonna throw people off.
And I actually made Bradel cry? What?
Thank you for reading, cutie pie!
>>TitaniumDragon
I think that’s an interesting point about the ending, but I think that my real problem is that the magical realism stuff isn’t set up well enough early enough. I’m gonna be working to fix that in the future. I definitely get your point, tho.
Thanks for reading!
>>Cold in Gardez
Cold in Gardez saying he can learn from my prose… okay, it’s official. The world is ending. (Where’s my notification in the sky?)
We already talked a bit in the chat about this stuff, so I don’t think I gotta go over it all again. The father’s body being gone was just faulty thinking on my part, and I don’t think the ending was set up well enough. I’m hoping to fix both of those problems in the future.
Thank you for all your comments, Cold. I appreciate it. And congrats again on second!
>>Not_A_Hat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZXUNZjWTc8
Thanks for reading!
>>Monokeras
I can testify from ongoing experience that upstate New York stays hella cold long after winter has passed.
I agree with your note about there not being much evolution. I’m hoping to fix that.
I was trying to imply that May wanted to go to the graveyard to see their father because she had finally just reached the end of her rope with their Mom. May is upset and distraught, and is willing to try anything out to stop feeling so horrible.
Thanks for reading!
>>horizon
Therefore, clearly this was written by Dubs, and this is an act of instant karma.
>.>
I’m glad you enjoyed it for what it was, at least. Thanks for reading!
>>Scramblers and Shadows
What do you mean about the graveyard being real? I’m afraid I don’t quite understand. You thought it was imaginary at first?
Thank you for your comment about the verbs. I definitely agree.
Thank you for reading!
Whew… that took a long time.
See you all next WriteOff!
There’s nothing like hanging out under the stars and reading a good story. Perhaps some prefer a cozy fire or warm blankets, as they lay along their beds or couches. The refreshing feeling of being able to open a book with steady inhale. Ending with a long exhale as you feel a part of your heart grow bigger. With images of the experiences you have come to understand through the mind of the author. This one hits in all the right places, and does well to establish these moments within its readers. Well here’s to the current champ of the Write Off contest! Cheers, Dubby! May you continue on with your glorious pieces of fine literature. Moving on!
NEGATIVES
-Settings
The atmosphere for the story was gorgeous! I could picture it in my mind with careful wording of each influential piece that added onto the overall sensation. Witnessing a grand play upon a stage that is well interpreted and created. This story holds onto your attention with how gloomy and grim things look. Which in turn affect the characters and their actions. This is very well done to, where I kind of just wanna stop talking about it so you can experience it yourself when you do read this story. Now the reason why this is labeled as such, is that the overall feeling of the entire story just didn’t seem to match the characters themselves. Each of the characters hold and emit their own light. Claire who is still innocent with about a dozen stuffed animals along her bedside, May who is an upright teenage rocker who just wants to party, and even their mother who is a widow looking up towards the light, literally seeking God and finding comfort in the church. The overall sensation drawn by the house, graveyard, and incident, don’t seem to match the characters. Yes, they went through a very painful ordeal, but I cannot see such people living in such conditions. May and Claire still go to school like normal children. Their mother attends mass on a weekly basis and even brings friends over. For whatever reason, Mrs. Sullivan ends up buying a secluded house right on a hill next to a graveyard by acres of dead trees. The interior of the house matches something from The Nightmare before Christmas or the abandoned house from Fight Club. Now why would a mother chose to move into something like this, with two bright children, under the salary of a firefighter?
-Reasoning
Alright this concerned me. From the very start of the story we notice that the family right off have a rough start. For some reason Mrs. Sullivan takes her two girls and moves to a different house. Not long after their father/husband passes on. While the characters face their problems head on, I can’t seem to think that maybe moving and spending your savings would have been a great idea with a funeral already affecting the family budget. Which the story does explain that Mrs.Sullivan ends up working late long hours at a time. It’s still much more expensive buying a house rather than staying in an apartment and waiting for the mourning phase to pass. This breaks the realism of this story from the get go, but is soon forgotten as the house becomes a tool for the author to inflict more feels into his audience. The things that force the family to squander each others company tends to just feel more scripted. In place because it’s planned rather than feeling like a true phase of acting out due to morning. I think exploring a bit more on what their father did for both May and Mrs.Sullivan would have been a nice touch. Which could have been made through conversation to Claire. With something like Mrs.Sullivan staring at a picture of May being born in Mr.Sullivan’s arms. A passing of a dear family member is demoralizing enough, though why decide to move into a place that will constantly remind them of said passing? Make us believe the reason behind that choice and it’ll feel even more grand throughout.
POSITIVES
-Character
I adored your characters! Each one held a separate spotlight. May, who is just learning to be an adult, has to now be flung into the open world. To become independent without her father’s watchful gaze and loving heart. Mrs.Sullivan now has the sole responsibility of raising up two daughters by her lonesome. Who now needs to work two jobs and still ends up giving time for her two growing daughters. It’s even hinted that she checks up on them from time to time while they sleep, due to her own insomnia. Claire who, bless her heart, is still growing up. Is forced to mature, while at the same time is left with the awful feeling of not being able to do anything to help her family. Being nowhere near an adult to help pick up where her father had left off. Though with every case of a passing, life goes on and people learn to cope. Which this, in a long segment of the story, just shines on this fact. That each one is trying to move forward and cope with this loss. Displaying the stages of greifing in the process. The main character is Claire, but her family just seems to beam on her motives and actions. Thus becoming the sole purpose that Claire acts the way she does. Even though sometimes Claire seems more mature for her age than should be allowed, but it’s comprehensive to a point.
-Fable
The story falls into the category of being a fable. While not much for the darker stuff, it does have a more mature feel to it, making this story up to a PG rating at least. If told in the right way it could cause others to be frightened. What really got me was the ending. A brief happy moment that in the end would only feed and fuel the depression the three girls were already suffering from. For in the end it was a spirit touching and communicating with them. Could it be haunting them, since it’s not where it’s former body had fallen? Will this help the rest of the family yearn for more of good ole dad and deny him ever to leave? Or would this just be a passing phase meant to comfort the family? Either way the style and the creepy ending make this one up to be fable quality as no matter which way the story goes, it ends up feeling grim and gritty. Giving one a sense of reality with a hint of superstition. This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I for one think it’s a great addition and has a more refined taste. Much like European type tales and folklore. It takes a certain type of person to enjoy the tale.
-Element
While still holding on to its bleak like taste and feel, the piece holds true to it’s main element. That being a slice of life story. You get moments where you can appreciate your own life and just enjoy how May or Claire end up having their moments. As thoughtless and naive as they both are, they easily reawaken the kid inside of your. I knew I was quite a punk back in the day, and this story just reminded me so much of being a teen in high school, or watching as things passed by when I was just a kid. Even now with Mrs.Sullivan enjoying herself in what she does hanging on to a strong thread of hope. The atmosphere is the opposite of what this story really hits inside to make you feel alive. While at the same time admire family moments as they come and go. Even if it’s two angry voices they still have each other. And the moral of the story at the ending reveals this in such a way that the SUllivans were never actually left behind. Instead they were being watched and looked after as they continued on living. It was strange reading a slice of life but having it feel as another thing entirely! It felt like I was rolling a coin in my fingers as I read each word. Admiring the shine of it’s two sides and taking note of how one was so differently designed than the other one. This story holds true to it’s own genre without it being overly complex, but while still managing to branch out perfectly for a perfectly good read.
This story was a doozy! I really mean a doozy! These are possible my favorite type of story style to read. Where you can relate to the things currently going on with the story. Where you can sit down and review your own life and problems without ever having this story leave your mind in the process. It hit on a lot of things that makes a story great. I can list a lot of traits that make a story unique, but it would take so long to list and think about. What this story does have is taste, creativity, and overall flair. Making it a must read on my list. The way the characters presented stages of mourning and human emotion in dealing with a death in the family, made this fun to read. With not one girl actually being in the wrong so much. (Yes May is downright rude.) Keep in mind though even her mother, Mrs.Sullivan, tells everyone that it is just because she’s growing up. Hormones and all. Which is perfectly normal. Everyone has acted out on their own. I know I have. Claire numbing herself holding it all in. I’ve done that on occasion a lot especially during my time in service. I know people do this while working, to numb themselves of their own pride and take the hit. Mrs.Sullivan continues on with this showing how we try to adapt and overcome. Even with that much sorrow filling her life. This story was amazing to read. And I would love to read it again with a couple revisions. Good job Dubby!
NEGATIVES
-Settings
The atmosphere for the story was gorgeous! I could picture it in my mind with careful wording of each influential piece that added onto the overall sensation. Witnessing a grand play upon a stage that is well interpreted and created. This story holds onto your attention with how gloomy and grim things look. Which in turn affect the characters and their actions. This is very well done to, where I kind of just wanna stop talking about it so you can experience it yourself when you do read this story. Now the reason why this is labeled as such, is that the overall feeling of the entire story just didn’t seem to match the characters themselves. Each of the characters hold and emit their own light. Claire who is still innocent with about a dozen stuffed animals along her bedside, May who is an upright teenage rocker who just wants to party, and even their mother who is a widow looking up towards the light, literally seeking God and finding comfort in the church. The overall sensation drawn by the house, graveyard, and incident, don’t seem to match the characters. Yes, they went through a very painful ordeal, but I cannot see such people living in such conditions. May and Claire still go to school like normal children. Their mother attends mass on a weekly basis and even brings friends over. For whatever reason, Mrs. Sullivan ends up buying a secluded house right on a hill next to a graveyard by acres of dead trees. The interior of the house matches something from The Nightmare before Christmas or the abandoned house from Fight Club. Now why would a mother chose to move into something like this, with two bright children, under the salary of a firefighter?
-Reasoning
Alright this concerned me. From the very start of the story we notice that the family right off have a rough start. For some reason Mrs. Sullivan takes her two girls and moves to a different house. Not long after their father/husband passes on. While the characters face their problems head on, I can’t seem to think that maybe moving and spending your savings would have been a great idea with a funeral already affecting the family budget. Which the story does explain that Mrs.Sullivan ends up working late long hours at a time. It’s still much more expensive buying a house rather than staying in an apartment and waiting for the mourning phase to pass. This breaks the realism of this story from the get go, but is soon forgotten as the house becomes a tool for the author to inflict more feels into his audience. The things that force the family to squander each others company tends to just feel more scripted. In place because it’s planned rather than feeling like a true phase of acting out due to morning. I think exploring a bit more on what their father did for both May and Mrs.Sullivan would have been a nice touch. Which could have been made through conversation to Claire. With something like Mrs.Sullivan staring at a picture of May being born in Mr.Sullivan’s arms. A passing of a dear family member is demoralizing enough, though why decide to move into a place that will constantly remind them of said passing? Make us believe the reason behind that choice and it’ll feel even more grand throughout.
POSITIVES
-Character
I adored your characters! Each one held a separate spotlight. May, who is just learning to be an adult, has to now be flung into the open world. To become independent without her father’s watchful gaze and loving heart. Mrs.Sullivan now has the sole responsibility of raising up two daughters by her lonesome. Who now needs to work two jobs and still ends up giving time for her two growing daughters. It’s even hinted that she checks up on them from time to time while they sleep, due to her own insomnia. Claire who, bless her heart, is still growing up. Is forced to mature, while at the same time is left with the awful feeling of not being able to do anything to help her family. Being nowhere near an adult to help pick up where her father had left off. Though with every case of a passing, life goes on and people learn to cope. Which this, in a long segment of the story, just shines on this fact. That each one is trying to move forward and cope with this loss. Displaying the stages of greifing in the process. The main character is Claire, but her family just seems to beam on her motives and actions. Thus becoming the sole purpose that Claire acts the way she does. Even though sometimes Claire seems more mature for her age than should be allowed, but it’s comprehensive to a point.
-Fable
The story falls into the category of being a fable. While not much for the darker stuff, it does have a more mature feel to it, making this story up to a PG rating at least. If told in the right way it could cause others to be frightened. What really got me was the ending. A brief happy moment that in the end would only feed and fuel the depression the three girls were already suffering from. For in the end it was a spirit touching and communicating with them. Could it be haunting them, since it’s not where it’s former body had fallen? Will this help the rest of the family yearn for more of good ole dad and deny him ever to leave? Or would this just be a passing phase meant to comfort the family? Either way the style and the creepy ending make this one up to be fable quality as no matter which way the story goes, it ends up feeling grim and gritty. Giving one a sense of reality with a hint of superstition. This may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I for one think it’s a great addition and has a more refined taste. Much like European type tales and folklore. It takes a certain type of person to enjoy the tale.
-Element
While still holding on to its bleak like taste and feel, the piece holds true to it’s main element. That being a slice of life story. You get moments where you can appreciate your own life and just enjoy how May or Claire end up having their moments. As thoughtless and naive as they both are, they easily reawaken the kid inside of your. I knew I was quite a punk back in the day, and this story just reminded me so much of being a teen in high school, or watching as things passed by when I was just a kid. Even now with Mrs.Sullivan enjoying herself in what she does hanging on to a strong thread of hope. The atmosphere is the opposite of what this story really hits inside to make you feel alive. While at the same time admire family moments as they come and go. Even if it’s two angry voices they still have each other. And the moral of the story at the ending reveals this in such a way that the SUllivans were never actually left behind. Instead they were being watched and looked after as they continued on living. It was strange reading a slice of life but having it feel as another thing entirely! It felt like I was rolling a coin in my fingers as I read each word. Admiring the shine of it’s two sides and taking note of how one was so differently designed than the other one. This story holds true to it’s own genre without it being overly complex, but while still managing to branch out perfectly for a perfectly good read.
This story was a doozy! I really mean a doozy! These are possible my favorite type of story style to read. Where you can relate to the things currently going on with the story. Where you can sit down and review your own life and problems without ever having this story leave your mind in the process. It hit on a lot of things that makes a story great. I can list a lot of traits that make a story unique, but it would take so long to list and think about. What this story does have is taste, creativity, and overall flair. Making it a must read on my list. The way the characters presented stages of mourning and human emotion in dealing with a death in the family, made this fun to read. With not one girl actually being in the wrong so much. (Yes May is downright rude.) Keep in mind though even her mother, Mrs.Sullivan, tells everyone that it is just because she’s growing up. Hormones and all. Which is perfectly normal. Everyone has acted out on their own. I know I have. Claire numbing herself holding it all in. I’ve done that on occasion a lot especially during my time in service. I know people do this while working, to numb themselves of their own pride and take the hit. Mrs.Sullivan continues on with this showing how we try to adapt and overcome. Even with that much sorrow filling her life. This story was amazing to read. And I would love to read it again with a couple revisions. Good job Dubby!
“So another review another day. Better get started.” Remedy begins as he stretches his hooves out above the keyboard. Shaking his limbs loose. The pearly white tips flew off in a flurry. Typing away at the keys. The keyboard clicked away as Remedy was distracted in his work. Just as all was calm and quiet in his room. A small speck of a spark hovered about in the center of the room. Remi looks to his screen and expects some type of glitch. Only to realize that the sound was coming from a different source than his desk.
“The fuc-!” His words were cut off short as he made eye contact with the small ball of light. Which blew into a large crackling one. Clear sharp electrical patterns dazzled the air as it sizzled and fizzed at the ground below it. Remedy covered his eyes and found it unbearable to watch any longer. When the sounds faded, Remi opened his eyes and saw something he didn’t expect.
“The fuc-!?” Remi’s lips were shut close. Once again interrupted, yet by an entirely different. Staring back at Remi over his desk was another white colt who looked just like him. Exempt the fact that this one looked to be manic and his mane frizzled about from the conductive science that brought him here.
“Don’t say it!” Ordered the time traveling pony.
“PAH!-Say what? Fuc-?” Remi threw his leg over the intruder’s and spoke out when his lips were freed.
“-No the review you moron!” The traveler butted in once more. Raising his volume to show how stern he was in his intent. “The review! People with be mad at you!” He drew his other leg over the shoved one, rubbing at the searing of a small bruise.
“So?”
“This could alter the timeline! Do you not understand how drastic the situation is right now?!”
“I just wanna do the review.” Remi grimaced not at all entertained by these antics.
“You fool!”
“Excuse me?! Fine! What purpose do I have to be here anyways?! People disagree in this place all the time! Just why in the great wide world of Azetroth, would you be doing here? World peace isn’t the issue. We’re not inciting or starting a war! Just why, oh, WHY?! Are you here?!”
“Fine.” The dramatic visitor’s facade is broken as he crosses his legs over his chest. Standing right above the edge of his other’s desk. “I thought this would make a great intro to the review so I went back in time to make it interesting.”
“Thought so! So who’s time machine?” Remi placed his head along his hooves and prepped himself for a little casual conversation with his future self.
“What do you mean 'who's'? I jacked a ride on it.”
“You, meaning I will, steal a time machine?” Remi’s mouth moved with his chin laying upon his bent hooves. Allowing his head to bounce up and down in quite the sassy tone. Still not trusting this other Remi’s answers.
“Pft! Hell no! Just hopped in and let er rip!” The traveler pumped his right arm into the air behind him. Congratulating himself on an epic job well done. “So did it work?”
“We have yet to find out. By the way, looking handsome there, Slick!” Remi commented pushing back against the edge of his desk in awe of his other. The time induced partner looked bad with a blushing smile and swayed to his side.
“Bah! It’s nothing! You look gorgeous too!” Waving a hoof to bring an imaginary shove to the polite comment.
“ ‘We’ look gorgeous!” Correcting the Stranger with his own stance and a bashful smile as well.
“Okay, guess my job’s done here.”
“Yeah, we got to see each others’ butts and you made an intro that I will have to do or yada yada! Time Paradox!”
“Yeah! See sexy!” With a flash he was gone. Torn back into this dimension without so much of the same spark of chaos that singed Remi’s room. Remi gave a sigh and flopped back down into his chair without a single graceful movement.
“That was weird. Like really fuc- I HAVE A BONER?!” Gasping silently to himself. His face scrunched into something of pure realization. Suspended in his own works, he looked down. Growling at his own mentality. For being so overly open minded it was freaky even to him.
NEGATIVES
-Wording
The context of some of the wording in this story seem to be a bit off. It’s understandable though, that English is not the Author’s primary language. Several sentences seem to come out as outlandish and seem to not make much sense. Which give the feel of going over a bumpy road. The wording could have some look throughs before being published out to an audience. While the ride wasn’t the smoothest, the content clearly shined through these minor errors. It is a problem having your reader stop and think about what the author truly meant in his own story and words. Though it wasn’t a problem for me, as the events were alluring enough to pull be right back in after I did take a pause here and there. Most readers can ignore these details and go right into what the story is meant for. To tell a tale that is fun and entertaining. And this story doesn’t lack any one of these two.
-Character
This element seems to not be a big one. Though I must point out something that seemed to bother me as the story progressed. In the story it is hinted from time to time about our main character, John, doesn’t seem to belong in this one particular story. That story being of course the religious tale of Saint Joan of Arc Church. From the equipment being used, Carbide arrow tips, compass, a metal plating that seems to belong to a teleporter or time machine, and a gas bomb, to the phrases John uses. Tend to make him feel very off in the story. Which is only specified at the ending of the story. Which reveals John to be a robotic agent meant to stop intervention in a timeline. This was really complex and could have been stated at the start of the tale. The story is told in 2nd person overview and I understand the author wanted it kept as a surprise, but it gave way to so much confusion that I took those as errors in the thought process behind John seriously. Even with John being an android, why did he often times make mistakes? Almost letting his secret revealed to Joan by saying the wrong thing. Using tools such as his compass and, very strangely tipped, arrows to give away what he was or what he was doing. Back in those days magic was seen as evil. This would have made Joan freak out even that day and age, for only the devil promises such power. The part that left me the most confused was John climbing down the chimney. For one, it’s hot, two it’s suffocating. I kept thinking “Why the hell would he do this?”. Only to find out that the fire and lack of oxygen had no effect on him at all. I really think this would have been a much smoother read if things were highlighted from the beginning. The readers got clues during John and Joan’s journey, so we know he’s from the future. The robot bit completely threw me off. The story’s angle is being told from the character’s words. The character is telling the story. So why leave out the fact of what he was doing there at the end? This would have made John a much more enjoyable character and would have been much easier to follow along with.
-Main Setting
The main setting of the story takes place in the cold of a winter end somewhere between two countries as Joan makes her journey across miles and miles of land to see a single person. I feel in love with the world John and Joan was in. Everything was a glade of a very tall and cold forest. The glade had been used in the story giving way for a bit of ice in it’s scenes. Which is not bad, except for the fact that the temperature doesn’t seem to be a problem for these two. The setting was given as an icy autumn type of scenario. Which should give way to problems for making fire through all the moisture. It felt as though the story returned to a regular forest setting over time. With the characters being able to hunt for a lot of choices as far as food goes and able to sleep out in the open without freezing to death. The animals I thought didn’t seem to act like animals. They gave no trouble or real chase for their own safety and ignored several primal thoughts to flow through the story more as intended items. But what I did enjoy out of the settings was, the mannerisms brought out by Joan. The way she spoke and acted fit the time period very well. Making her highly enjoyable to read. (Probably because she got naked half the time for me. WOO HOO!) Maybe if it’s pointed out that the snow is melting through their journey it would make much more sense. Though the word Glade is used in the beginning of the story. Thus setting the reader up for an icy or partially snowy environment.
POSITIVES
-Adventure
The sense of the journey was thrilling. We didn’t get a lot of thrilling stories this round, making this one quite a shoe-in, only if several things were shifted around and looked over. You are introduced into a scene that feels like a hunter is setting up for kill, a special one at that. Only for it to be turned into a covert operation that is meant to restore a cut in the timeline. Just the feeling of John alone traversing about with bow and arrow in hand was so much fun. It gave way to a medieval approach that felt realistic to read, during a time of high strung political tensions that would eventually lead to war. John’s destiny, or mission, is to escort a single defenseless girl across a country. What might they run into? Would John turn on this poor girl? Will they ever reach their destination? Sadly this is a short story contest, but this alone could turn into such a good read. Giving way for so much more detail that could made quite the adventure for these two. This alone made the story compelling. From fighting to a bit of sneaking and even a bit of survival with hunting and navigation. John did it all. To protect this one girl who holds a great destiny. Much like certain tales that feature a single ring and several hobbits. My only negative feedback on this. Is that the adventure part was too short. I wanted it to continue to see what else might have happened. A small romance maybe for forbidden love elements. Or near death experiences. Maybe even Joan investigating why her escort never ate or slept. This was the interesting part of the story that could have been stretched out more.
-Surprise
John: I knew you were coming!
Joan: How so?
John: Because I come from the FUTURE!
Joan: Ooooooooo!
John: To help you with your Mission!
Joan” OoOoOoOoO!
John: And I am a ROBOT!
Joan: OOOOOOOOOO!
The twists and turns! They come at all angles! Always giving you something more to learn about from the story. To keep you on edge to and continue to challenge your mind. Even with everything you knew until this point, you strive for the complete truth. The author here does this well, by adding in elements and scenes that eventually lead to the ending of the story. Highlights of the story are plentiful. From John meeting Joan, John being from the future, John attacking the one person Joan needs to see, John admitting he’s a robot agent, and from John’s last scene where Joan sees him one final time. The events unravel a little rough, but in the end it makes sense and gives way for a job well done to the special agent, whom I wanna see more of. Now that I know who he is and what he does. I can’t wait to read his other adventures. Coupled with a sense of mystery being solved within the adventure is and has been a proven successful writing plotline. Which can easily create a fanbase and make more stories. John felt like a hero in a comic book. Something that actually came out quite witty in certain aspects and wasn’t some overpowered person that needed some life lessons. Though the style of this comes out choppy, it’s expected until the real story behind John is hashed out. Even when superheroes came out, they were shunned and thought to be ridiculous. IE Spiderman, Batman, Hulk. Now they’re the biggest things on the screen. With weird superheroes coming out of the woodworks. One such hero being “Squirrelgirl”. I wish I was making this up. I’m not, sadly. She may become popular, who knows? My point is every hero starts out somewhere. And John! John is a hero. You can expect the next installments, if there are any, to hold more surprises. I look forward to them.
Wow. This is my longest review yet. I had a lot to say. Most of them pointing out to what I liked about this piece, more than anything. We don’t get a lot of comic type material these days. So it’s good to see a genuine take on this time of story. I really wish there was more adventure types out there. Though we seem to be pushing more towards slice of life and mystical stuff. It’s fine and dandy, but when I read I want my heart and mind to emanate the heat of a boiling pot. To roil over to the point where I can’t contain it anymore. We have a lot of good stories where we can sit down and read it before we sleep. Some even were just entertaining that tend to make you wanna share it with someone. This one felt like I would want to stay updated with it. Just to see how this all turns out with John in the end. While all the other stories got a good natural end to their adventures, with no other way to continue them, or they just continues on as a loop. John’s adventure doesn’t end. It doesn’t even feel like the high point of his career either. So let me know when you make another one. I’m official a fanboy of this series.
“The fuc-!” His words were cut off short as he made eye contact with the small ball of light. Which blew into a large crackling one. Clear sharp electrical patterns dazzled the air as it sizzled and fizzed at the ground below it. Remedy covered his eyes and found it unbearable to watch any longer. When the sounds faded, Remi opened his eyes and saw something he didn’t expect.
“The fuc-!?” Remi’s lips were shut close. Once again interrupted, yet by an entirely different. Staring back at Remi over his desk was another white colt who looked just like him. Exempt the fact that this one looked to be manic and his mane frizzled about from the conductive science that brought him here.
“Don’t say it!” Ordered the time traveling pony.
“PAH!-Say what? Fuc-?” Remi threw his leg over the intruder’s and spoke out when his lips were freed.
“-No the review you moron!” The traveler butted in once more. Raising his volume to show how stern he was in his intent. “The review! People with be mad at you!” He drew his other leg over the shoved one, rubbing at the searing of a small bruise.
“So?”
“This could alter the timeline! Do you not understand how drastic the situation is right now?!”
“I just wanna do the review.” Remi grimaced not at all entertained by these antics.
“You fool!”
“Excuse me?! Fine! What purpose do I have to be here anyways?! People disagree in this place all the time! Just why in the great wide world of Azetroth, would you be doing here? World peace isn’t the issue. We’re not inciting or starting a war! Just why, oh, WHY?! Are you here?!”
“Fine.” The dramatic visitor’s facade is broken as he crosses his legs over his chest. Standing right above the edge of his other’s desk. “I thought this would make a great intro to the review so I went back in time to make it interesting.”
“Thought so! So who’s time machine?” Remi placed his head along his hooves and prepped himself for a little casual conversation with his future self.
“What do you mean 'who's'? I jacked a ride on it.”
“You, meaning I will, steal a time machine?” Remi’s mouth moved with his chin laying upon his bent hooves. Allowing his head to bounce up and down in quite the sassy tone. Still not trusting this other Remi’s answers.
“Pft! Hell no! Just hopped in and let er rip!” The traveler pumped his right arm into the air behind him. Congratulating himself on an epic job well done. “So did it work?”
“We have yet to find out. By the way, looking handsome there, Slick!” Remi commented pushing back against the edge of his desk in awe of his other. The time induced partner looked bad with a blushing smile and swayed to his side.
“Bah! It’s nothing! You look gorgeous too!” Waving a hoof to bring an imaginary shove to the polite comment.
“ ‘We’ look gorgeous!” Correcting the Stranger with his own stance and a bashful smile as well.
“Okay, guess my job’s done here.”
“Yeah, we got to see each others’ butts and you made an intro that I will have to do or yada yada! Time Paradox!”
“Yeah! See sexy!” With a flash he was gone. Torn back into this dimension without so much of the same spark of chaos that singed Remi’s room. Remi gave a sigh and flopped back down into his chair without a single graceful movement.
“That was weird. Like really fuc- I HAVE A BONER?!” Gasping silently to himself. His face scrunched into something of pure realization. Suspended in his own works, he looked down. Growling at his own mentality. For being so overly open minded it was freaky even to him.
NEGATIVES
-Wording
The context of some of the wording in this story seem to be a bit off. It’s understandable though, that English is not the Author’s primary language. Several sentences seem to come out as outlandish and seem to not make much sense. Which give the feel of going over a bumpy road. The wording could have some look throughs before being published out to an audience. While the ride wasn’t the smoothest, the content clearly shined through these minor errors. It is a problem having your reader stop and think about what the author truly meant in his own story and words. Though it wasn’t a problem for me, as the events were alluring enough to pull be right back in after I did take a pause here and there. Most readers can ignore these details and go right into what the story is meant for. To tell a tale that is fun and entertaining. And this story doesn’t lack any one of these two.
-Character
This element seems to not be a big one. Though I must point out something that seemed to bother me as the story progressed. In the story it is hinted from time to time about our main character, John, doesn’t seem to belong in this one particular story. That story being of course the religious tale of Saint Joan of Arc Church. From the equipment being used, Carbide arrow tips, compass, a metal plating that seems to belong to a teleporter or time machine, and a gas bomb, to the phrases John uses. Tend to make him feel very off in the story. Which is only specified at the ending of the story. Which reveals John to be a robotic agent meant to stop intervention in a timeline. This was really complex and could have been stated at the start of the tale. The story is told in 2nd person overview and I understand the author wanted it kept as a surprise, but it gave way to so much confusion that I took those as errors in the thought process behind John seriously. Even with John being an android, why did he often times make mistakes? Almost letting his secret revealed to Joan by saying the wrong thing. Using tools such as his compass and, very strangely tipped, arrows to give away what he was or what he was doing. Back in those days magic was seen as evil. This would have made Joan freak out even that day and age, for only the devil promises such power. The part that left me the most confused was John climbing down the chimney. For one, it’s hot, two it’s suffocating. I kept thinking “Why the hell would he do this?”. Only to find out that the fire and lack of oxygen had no effect on him at all. I really think this would have been a much smoother read if things were highlighted from the beginning. The readers got clues during John and Joan’s journey, so we know he’s from the future. The robot bit completely threw me off. The story’s angle is being told from the character’s words. The character is telling the story. So why leave out the fact of what he was doing there at the end? This would have made John a much more enjoyable character and would have been much easier to follow along with.
-Main Setting
The main setting of the story takes place in the cold of a winter end somewhere between two countries as Joan makes her journey across miles and miles of land to see a single person. I feel in love with the world John and Joan was in. Everything was a glade of a very tall and cold forest. The glade had been used in the story giving way for a bit of ice in it’s scenes. Which is not bad, except for the fact that the temperature doesn’t seem to be a problem for these two. The setting was given as an icy autumn type of scenario. Which should give way to problems for making fire through all the moisture. It felt as though the story returned to a regular forest setting over time. With the characters being able to hunt for a lot of choices as far as food goes and able to sleep out in the open without freezing to death. The animals I thought didn’t seem to act like animals. They gave no trouble or real chase for their own safety and ignored several primal thoughts to flow through the story more as intended items. But what I did enjoy out of the settings was, the mannerisms brought out by Joan. The way she spoke and acted fit the time period very well. Making her highly enjoyable to read. (Probably because she got naked half the time for me. WOO HOO!) Maybe if it’s pointed out that the snow is melting through their journey it would make much more sense. Though the word Glade is used in the beginning of the story. Thus setting the reader up for an icy or partially snowy environment.
POSITIVES
-Adventure
The sense of the journey was thrilling. We didn’t get a lot of thrilling stories this round, making this one quite a shoe-in, only if several things were shifted around and looked over. You are introduced into a scene that feels like a hunter is setting up for kill, a special one at that. Only for it to be turned into a covert operation that is meant to restore a cut in the timeline. Just the feeling of John alone traversing about with bow and arrow in hand was so much fun. It gave way to a medieval approach that felt realistic to read, during a time of high strung political tensions that would eventually lead to war. John’s destiny, or mission, is to escort a single defenseless girl across a country. What might they run into? Would John turn on this poor girl? Will they ever reach their destination? Sadly this is a short story contest, but this alone could turn into such a good read. Giving way for so much more detail that could made quite the adventure for these two. This alone made the story compelling. From fighting to a bit of sneaking and even a bit of survival with hunting and navigation. John did it all. To protect this one girl who holds a great destiny. Much like certain tales that feature a single ring and several hobbits. My only negative feedback on this. Is that the adventure part was too short. I wanted it to continue to see what else might have happened. A small romance maybe for forbidden love elements. Or near death experiences. Maybe even Joan investigating why her escort never ate or slept. This was the interesting part of the story that could have been stretched out more.
-Surprise
John: I knew you were coming!
Joan: How so?
John: Because I come from the FUTURE!
Joan: Ooooooooo!
John: To help you with your Mission!
Joan” OoOoOoOoO!
John: And I am a ROBOT!
Joan: OOOOOOOOOO!
The twists and turns! They come at all angles! Always giving you something more to learn about from the story. To keep you on edge to and continue to challenge your mind. Even with everything you knew until this point, you strive for the complete truth. The author here does this well, by adding in elements and scenes that eventually lead to the ending of the story. Highlights of the story are plentiful. From John meeting Joan, John being from the future, John attacking the one person Joan needs to see, John admitting he’s a robot agent, and from John’s last scene where Joan sees him one final time. The events unravel a little rough, but in the end it makes sense and gives way for a job well done to the special agent, whom I wanna see more of. Now that I know who he is and what he does. I can’t wait to read his other adventures. Coupled with a sense of mystery being solved within the adventure is and has been a proven successful writing plotline. Which can easily create a fanbase and make more stories. John felt like a hero in a comic book. Something that actually came out quite witty in certain aspects and wasn’t some overpowered person that needed some life lessons. Though the style of this comes out choppy, it’s expected until the real story behind John is hashed out. Even when superheroes came out, they were shunned and thought to be ridiculous. IE Spiderman, Batman, Hulk. Now they’re the biggest things on the screen. With weird superheroes coming out of the woodworks. One such hero being “Squirrelgirl”. I wish I was making this up. I’m not, sadly. She may become popular, who knows? My point is every hero starts out somewhere. And John! John is a hero. You can expect the next installments, if there are any, to hold more surprises. I look forward to them.
Wow. This is my longest review yet. I had a lot to say. Most of them pointing out to what I liked about this piece, more than anything. We don’t get a lot of comic type material these days. So it’s good to see a genuine take on this time of story. I really wish there was more adventure types out there. Though we seem to be pushing more towards slice of life and mystical stuff. It’s fine and dandy, but when I read I want my heart and mind to emanate the heat of a boiling pot. To roil over to the point where I can’t contain it anymore. We have a lot of good stories where we can sit down and read it before we sleep. Some even were just entertaining that tend to make you wanna share it with someone. This one felt like I would want to stay updated with it. Just to see how this all turns out with John in the end. While all the other stories got a good natural end to their adventures, with no other way to continue them, or they just continues on as a loop. John’s adventure doesn’t end. It doesn’t even feel like the high point of his career either. So let me know when you make another one. I’m official a fanboy of this series.