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Hollow Man
#1253 · 6
· on No Story! I Had Fun!
#1500 · 4
· on Homebound · >>Ratlab
Alright, I've just read every eligible story as of now, and I have to ask, what is it this round with stories that have no ending? Also, stories that have people being revived or resurrected after many years?
#1439 · 3
· on Don't You Cry For Me · >>Dubs_Rewatcher
I guess I know which story's going to win, now. It might need a little polish here and there, to prune some of the stuff the above commenter said about Claire's narration having stuff that wouldn't fit a nine-year-old child, but other than that, there's a pretty strong emotional throughline. The awful things that May and her mom do and say to each other and Claire put me on edge and made me wonder if reconciliation was actually possible or if Claire was going to grow up in a completely broken home.

I admit, I don't usually tend to seek stories like this out. I certainly don't write them, because the lure of a high-concept genre idea is so much more appealing to me in both cases. But I can also recognize that that can complicate things and obscure the core of a working story. You make being simple work well.

This story is excellent. (9/10)
#1487 · 3
· on Don't You Cry For Me
You're the best reviewer here. I wish you could grace every story with your insight.
#1368 · 2
· on The Last Burdens of Childhood, Cut Loose
So this is a story that had me going up until the ending. I mean, I wasn't sure how much the story would revolve around normal thoughts about the narrator's life and how much it would be suspense about who the ghost would end up snatching. I was fine with it mostly being about the ghost, because sometimes my expectations are really off track.

But then, instead of reacting with horror at the implication that Alex saw the ghost's face, she doesn't telegraph her emotions until she enjoys the confirmation of her kill? What? Why would she want him dead? I read this more closely than I usually read things and I still didn't see any hint of motivation or character in this decision. You almost had something decent, but until you tweak it, this ending just doesn't work.

This story was so-so. (5/10)
#1448 · 2
· on Encounter at dusk · >>Monokeras
Oh dear. This is a cheesy story, and I don't think you meant for it to be one. I mean, I can kind of see how this concept would be played for laughs, but that only happens in a few spots, like when you have Joan say the "you ain't no sissy" line. I sincerely doubt that Joan of Arc talked like Flava Flav in casual situations. The stuff with her explaining her rude habits in contrast with her devotion to God is weird slice of life stuff that doesn't really jibe with her distress that God hasn't been speaking to her lately.

The best thing you can do for this story is decide what you want to do with it. Either you dumb it up and make it like, I dunno, Konosuba with a real historical figure, or you go for a more straight-laced sci-fi/historical tone. It's probably possible to do both, but that "sissy" line sank your chances of that.

This story is weak. (3/10)
#1480 · 2
· on The Necromancer's Wife
I also want to know more. I guess the terminology had the opposite effect on me that it had on Baal Bunny (even though spelling 'lich' with a T kind of bothers me). I'm also skeptical that the bad guy needed to be Crowley, and the fight with him is the weaker part, but I think this is a pretty good approach.
#1408 · 1
· on /ˈmiːm/ · >>Orbiting_kettle
You have way too many comma splices. I'm sure that I used to use them all the time, but at some point I conditioned myself to learn what they are and how to spot them, and now I can never not notice them. Definitely a priority when you start proofreading this.

But I like where this is going. It's an introduction to a setting that feels different from the usual, and even though some of the little details you introduce seem implausible, most of them are at least surprising. (The exception being TV shows as malware. We live in an age where there is more good TV than ever before, so future fics like this have to really sell me on that trend reversing.)

I can see why the other reviewers would say that this is too confusing, but after a second read-through I get the gist of it. I'm willing to reread certain novels immediately (everyone go check out The Traitor Baru Cormorant), so a short story is nothing, really. So far this needs the least work out of all the stories I've read.

This story is very good. (8/10)
#1422 · 1
· on Landscape Photography
This flowed pretty well and I found myself following the main character's emotions perfectly, but by the end of it I ended up realizing there isn't much new here and the last reveal and poignancy kind of fell flat for me. There's nothing really wrong here, but there isn't anything that interesting or spectacular.

This story is so-so. (5/10)
#1435 · 1
· on The Name Upon His Forehead
Am I the only one who thought the idea of an airplane(?) named Aaliyah was darkly hilarious?

When I realized what sort of world you'd build and the idea you went for, I was interested, and I like the research you did into these mystical names. I don't think a reader needs too much familiarity with that field in order to get the main idea (the concept of golems isn't that obscure). I think my biggest problem is that the open ending strikes me as nothing more than Emmett being unable to make a decision, or maybe the author being afraid or unable to commit to having him making a decision. I don't think the ambiguous open ending, makes the story better. It strikes me as an abrupt stop.

I'm also not sure whether or not this whole society of golems strictly bound by the word of God, as if they were Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, is supposed to be a good or bad thing. That works out better than the ending in terms of helping the reader come to their own conclusion. Ultimately, aside from that, I'm not sure how this could be better.

This story is good. (7/10)