Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
I'd like to thank everyone who read this for giving it a shot and apologize for how rushed and unstructured it turned out to be. I've had this idea for a story for a while now and I've been dragging my feet on committing to a plan and putting a draft down in words. The feedback I got should make it easier to figure out where to take it from here.
>>Solitair
So when I said that I based this on Tarot, I mean that the story's themes are tied to The Fool, both in the modern sense of starting a journey (with Mattello waking up in a new world and having to get used to it) and with the original medieval depiction of madmen (with his depression and mental illness). I plan to eventually make a short story for every card in the Major Arcana and put them in a collection, though Mattello won't be the main character in all of them and might not make an appearance in some.
I have two goals in mind with this story. The first is to present a first impression of the new world through the eyes of someone who suddenly ends up there. Because of events I planned in the setting backstory, I wanted it to be somebody from the distant past. Besides, having someone from the real world transported to a fantasy land is overdone, and even though I know that it's still possible to retread old ground well, I already have other plans. I realize that introducing a strange new world through the eyes of someone who's already used to another strange new world is tricky. Final Fantasy 10 is the only story I've seen that pulled that off, kind of. The first step, I think, is differentiating the aesthetics and feel of those worlds and using Mattello's perspective to contrast the two (and also having the old world be closer to ours, for the sake of making it easier to understand.
The other is that I wanted to write a story about a man who killed himself. After one time I heard about a suicide, I wondered if, in circumstances where dead people still had feelings, those who killed themselves regretted their rash decision. Depression was the first circumstance for suicide that came to mind (though switching that out for something else isn't out of the question), so that's what I went with. I want him to try and cope with the implications of what he did, combined with the possible relapse of his depression after a dream life that made him perfectly happy, in a way that doesn't dismiss or minimize his condition but offers the promise of hope for a better future. It would parallel the basic point of the setting: much of the world is a hellish wasteland and life is much harder than it used to be, but things are getting better and people are starting to find ways to live beyond basic survival. Part of this universe is my response to people who are getting burned out of dark fantasy books like A Song of Ice and Fire. It's a dark and weird world, but it doesn't have to be miserable all the time.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Gee, thanks. I'm glad I wrote at least one decent sentence.
>>Solitair
So when I said that I based this on Tarot, I mean that the story's themes are tied to The Fool, both in the modern sense of starting a journey (with Mattello waking up in a new world and having to get used to it) and with the original medieval depiction of madmen (with his depression and mental illness). I plan to eventually make a short story for every card in the Major Arcana and put them in a collection, though Mattello won't be the main character in all of them and might not make an appearance in some.
I have two goals in mind with this story. The first is to present a first impression of the new world through the eyes of someone who suddenly ends up there. Because of events I planned in the setting backstory, I wanted it to be somebody from the distant past. Besides, having someone from the real world transported to a fantasy land is overdone, and even though I know that it's still possible to retread old ground well, I already have other plans. I realize that introducing a strange new world through the eyes of someone who's already used to another strange new world is tricky. Final Fantasy 10 is the only story I've seen that pulled that off, kind of. The first step, I think, is differentiating the aesthetics and feel of those worlds and using Mattello's perspective to contrast the two (and also having the old world be closer to ours, for the sake of making it easier to understand.
The other is that I wanted to write a story about a man who killed himself. After one time I heard about a suicide, I wondered if, in circumstances where dead people still had feelings, those who killed themselves regretted their rash decision. Depression was the first circumstance for suicide that came to mind (though switching that out for something else isn't out of the question), so that's what I went with. I want him to try and cope with the implications of what he did, combined with the possible relapse of his depression after a dream life that made him perfectly happy, in a way that doesn't dismiss or minimize his condition but offers the promise of hope for a better future. It would parallel the basic point of the setting: much of the world is a hellish wasteland and life is much harder than it used to be, but things are getting better and people are starting to find ways to live beyond basic survival. Part of this universe is my response to people who are getting burned out of dark fantasy books like A Song of Ice and Fire. It's a dark and weird world, but it doesn't have to be miserable all the time.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Gee, thanks. I'm glad I wrote at least one decent sentence.
>>Cold in Gardez
Sorry, everyone who liked this. I just wasn't feeling it, and I'm one of those plebeian idiots who puts prose quality near the bottom of his list of things to consider about stories.
Sorry, everyone who liked this. I just wasn't feeling it, and I'm one of those plebeian idiots who puts prose quality near the bottom of his list of things to consider about stories.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
This might sound like a dumb question, but where can I find this group chat?
This might sound like a dumb question, but where can I find this group chat?
I also want to know more. I guess the terminology had the opposite effect on me that it had on Baal Bunny (even though spelling 'lich' with a T kind of bothers me). I'm also skeptical that the bad guy needed to be Crowley, and the fight with him is the weaker part, but I think this is a pretty good approach.
I think I'm going to stop giving numbered scores for stories and full reviews. I don't really have the time and energy for that and I don't know the best way to review short stories. Judging by my performance in previous writeoffs I rarely know how to write them.
Sorry if this sounds selfish, but everyone's reactions to this story made me very jealous of your ability.
Sorry if this sounds selfish, but everyone's reactions to this story made me very jealous of your ability.
I recently talked to my friend about this writeoff and I explained the idea of commenting on your own story to disguise the fact that you wrote it. He thought it was a pointless, silly thing to do that would only get you in trouble, and while I told him that I won't get kicked out unless I actually say which story I wrote ahead of time, I couldn't think of a reason why it's a sensible thing to do. Can anyone else?
Oh dear. This is a cheesy story, and I don't think you meant for it to be one. I mean, I can kind of see how this concept would be played for laughs, but that only happens in a few spots, like when you have Joan say the "you ain't no sissy" line. I sincerely doubt that Joan of Arc talked like Flava Flav in casual situations. The stuff with her explaining her rude habits in contrast with her devotion to God is weird slice of life stuff that doesn't really jibe with her distress that God hasn't been speaking to her lately.
The best thing you can do for this story is decide what you want to do with it. Either you dumb it up and make it like, I dunno, Konosuba with a real historical figure, or you go for a more straight-laced sci-fi/historical tone. It's probably possible to do both, but that "sissy" line sank your chances of that.
This story is weak. (3/10)
The best thing you can do for this story is decide what you want to do with it. Either you dumb it up and make it like, I dunno, Konosuba with a real historical figure, or you go for a more straight-laced sci-fi/historical tone. It's probably possible to do both, but that "sissy" line sank your chances of that.
This story is weak. (3/10)
I guess I know which story's going to win, now. It might need a little polish here and there, to prune some of the stuff the above commenter said about Claire's narration having stuff that wouldn't fit a nine-year-old child, but other than that, there's a pretty strong emotional throughline. The awful things that May and her mom do and say to each other and Claire put me on edge and made me wonder if reconciliation was actually possible or if Claire was going to grow up in a completely broken home.
I admit, I don't usually tend to seek stories like this out. I certainly don't write them, because the lure of a high-concept genre idea is so much more appealing to me in both cases. But I can also recognize that that can complicate things and obscure the core of a working story. You make being simple work well.
This story is excellent. (9/10)
I admit, I don't usually tend to seek stories like this out. I certainly don't write them, because the lure of a high-concept genre idea is so much more appealing to me in both cases. But I can also recognize that that can complicate things and obscure the core of a working story. You make being simple work well.
This story is excellent. (9/10)
Am I the only one who thought the idea of an airplane(?) named Aaliyah was darkly hilarious?
When I realized what sort of world you'd build and the idea you went for, I was interested, and I like the research you did into these mystical names. I don't think a reader needs too much familiarity with that field in order to get the main idea (the concept of golems isn't that obscure). I think my biggest problem is that the open ending strikes me as nothing more than Emmett being unable to make a decision, or maybe the author being afraid or unable to commit to having him making a decision. I don't think the ambiguous open ending, makes the story better. It strikes me as an abrupt stop.
I'm also not sure whether or not this whole society of golems strictly bound by the word of God, as if they were Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, is supposed to be a good or bad thing. That works out better than the ending in terms of helping the reader come to their own conclusion. Ultimately, aside from that, I'm not sure how this could be better.
This story is good. (7/10)
When I realized what sort of world you'd build and the idea you went for, I was interested, and I like the research you did into these mystical names. I don't think a reader needs too much familiarity with that field in order to get the main idea (the concept of golems isn't that obscure). I think my biggest problem is that the open ending strikes me as nothing more than Emmett being unable to make a decision, or maybe the author being afraid or unable to commit to having him making a decision. I don't think the ambiguous open ending, makes the story better. It strikes me as an abrupt stop.
I'm also not sure whether or not this whole society of golems strictly bound by the word of God, as if they were Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, is supposed to be a good or bad thing. That works out better than the ending in terms of helping the reader come to their own conclusion. Ultimately, aside from that, I'm not sure how this could be better.
This story is good. (7/10)
This flowed pretty well and I found myself following the main character's emotions perfectly, but by the end of it I ended up realizing there isn't much new here and the last reveal and poignancy kind of fell flat for me. There's nothing really wrong here, but there isn't anything that interesting or spectacular.
This story is so-so. (5/10)
This story is so-so. (5/10)
You have way too many comma splices. I'm sure that I used to use them all the time, but at some point I conditioned myself to learn what they are and how to spot them, and now I can never not notice them. Definitely a priority when you start proofreading this.
But I like where this is going. It's an introduction to a setting that feels different from the usual, and even though some of the little details you introduce seem implausible, most of them are at least surprising. (The exception being TV shows as malware. We live in an age where there is more good TV than ever before, so future fics like this have to really sell me on that trend reversing.)
I can see why the other reviewers would say that this is too confusing, but after a second read-through I get the gist of it. I'm willing to reread certain novels immediately (everyone go check out The Traitor Baru Cormorant), so a short story is nothing, really. So far this needs the least work out of all the stories I've read.
This story is very good. (8/10)
But I like where this is going. It's an introduction to a setting that feels different from the usual, and even though some of the little details you introduce seem implausible, most of them are at least surprising. (The exception being TV shows as malware. We live in an age where there is more good TV than ever before, so future fics like this have to really sell me on that trend reversing.)
I can see why the other reviewers would say that this is too confusing, but after a second read-through I get the gist of it. I'm willing to reread certain novels immediately (everyone go check out The Traitor Baru Cormorant), so a short story is nothing, really. So far this needs the least work out of all the stories I've read.
This story is very good. (8/10)
So this is a story that had me going up until the ending. I mean, I wasn't sure how much the story would revolve around normal thoughts about the narrator's life and how much it would be suspense about who the ghost would end up snatching. I was fine with it mostly being about the ghost, because sometimes my expectations are really off track.
But then, instead of reacting with horror at the implication that Alex saw the ghost's face, she doesn't telegraph her emotions until she enjoys the confirmation of her kill? What? Why would she want him dead? I read this more closely than I usually read things and I still didn't see any hint of motivation or character in this decision. You almost had something decent, but until you tweak it, this ending just doesn't work.
This story was so-so. (5/10)
But then, instead of reacting with horror at the implication that Alex saw the ghost's face, she doesn't telegraph her emotions until she enjoys the confirmation of her kill? What? Why would she want him dead? I read this more closely than I usually read things and I still didn't see any hint of motivation or character in this decision. You almost had something decent, but until you tweak it, this ending just doesn't work.
This story was so-so. (5/10)
I'm going to second Ferd's complaint about Mauli's language. That one word came dangerously close to ruining the story for me. By the time I saw them outside the quotes, I was getting pretty annoyed with this decision. Inside her quotes, it made her sound fake, because the use of them doesn't resemble how people actually swear, even ones in the habit of doing so frequently. Even if it's representative of... I don't know, Mauli's desire to emulate God because of how impressed she is with his way of doing things, it's still annoying. Stop it.
Other than that, I found the idea of animals crafting wondrous experiences for human audiences an interesting idea, almost like they were movie directors who knew how to trigger emotional responses with just the right touch. That made more sense than the idea that it was a corporate thing. The serendipity of everything coming together would be a perfect way to wrap it all up minus all the Goddamns.
6/10 (Decent).
Other than that, I found the idea of animals crafting wondrous experiences for human audiences an interesting idea, almost like they were movie directors who knew how to trigger emotional responses with just the right touch. That made more sense than the idea that it was a corporate thing. The serendipity of everything coming together would be a perfect way to wrap it all up minus all the Goddamns.
6/10 (Decent).
Alright, just submitted my first entry in what feels like ages. Certainly the first time I've done an Original Fic entry here! I'm so excited I just can't hide it!
>>horizon
I'm doing both at once, kind of. I won't elaborate on how until voting's over. I don't believe in cartomancy at all, but I adore the Tarot as a well of symbolism and storytelling engine. I've been reading a lot of Paul Huson's Mystical Origins of the Tarot lately, and it's teaching history in an ironically demystifying kind of way. Did you know that the meanings we ascribe to the Major Arcana are a far cry from what they originally represented back in medieval times? You can thank Rider, Waite and Crowley for that.
>>horizon
* Grab your friendly local Tarot deck, or lay out an online spread, and see what story the cards suggest.
* Use the premise+plot+setting that you had already half-planned before the prompt dropped and were going to try shoehorning into whatever won. P.S. we hate you you cheater
I'm doing both at once, kind of. I won't elaborate on how until voting's over. I don't believe in cartomancy at all, but I adore the Tarot as a well of symbolism and storytelling engine. I've been reading a lot of Paul Huson's Mystical Origins of the Tarot lately, and it's teaching history in an ironically demystifying kind of way. Did you know that the meanings we ascribe to the Major Arcana are a far cry from what they originally represented back in medieval times? You can thank Rider, Waite and Crowley for that.
Paging WIP