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Lot of interesting prompts in this round. Definitely going to try and make a story for this round.
The reason why I have a hard time entering into rounds is that I have this wierd jinx on me that causes me to see the prompt and draw a blank. No fault of the Writeoff, of course, it's just me.
I do like the prompt though... lemme see if I can overcome this hurdle. Who knows? Maybe this time it will be enough to kick me in the pants and start writing again.
I do like the prompt though... lemme see if I can overcome this hurdle. Who knows? Maybe this time it will be enough to kick me in the pants and start writing again.
This prompt is striking! I'll be damned if I don't get something in for this round. Best of luck everyone!
Learning to Review, so please be patient with me.
I don’t think the assault of a high-ranking official will do well for Shining’s Reputation
Credit where it is due. Bravo! You got your characters on point. So much so that I can picture Blueblood and Shining Armor. Pompous versus the bold! Plus them fighting a flan monster at the very end was a good way to keep me engaged. I thought maybe they could be a duo (although tense and reluctant from both parties), but the soiling of an autographed comic book probably squelched that option.
So, minor things to pick at. Not necessarily things you have to change, but some things that tripped me up while reading:
First, the beginning really confused me. But, not to worry. Beginnings always leave me disoriented. I just have to wait until later in the story to get my bearings. My suggestion, however, is to have some rooting in place (In my view, setting and characters). Yes, dialogue is necessary to explain the problem/plot, but take time to describe setting on the fly while the action pulls you along.
Secondly, Dialogue tags. Not having dialogue tags can be effective in some cases. In this case though, please give a hint towards which tag belongs to who. I was able to make out which strand of dialogue belongs to who, although a little bit shakily.
Third, How come Blueblood brought the comic book into the sewers with him? I understand he is using it as a point of reference to see what happens next. I guess it has to do with my preconceived notion that reading the comic book is something he would want to do in private (not wanting to be caught out in the open with it). However, I would think, by implication, that he brought it into the sewers for the sole reason of final assurance that he could spit in Shining’s face just in case things went awry… but that is just an idea. Besides, this idea wouldn’t work for the sole reason that the soiled comic book in the end seemed to be a honest mistake.
I’m not sure if this viewpoint matches others, so take it with a grain of salt. Most of this is written from first impressions, so most chances I’m missing something.
Thanks for writing!
I don’t think the assault of a high-ranking official will do well for Shining’s Reputation
Credit where it is due. Bravo! You got your characters on point. So much so that I can picture Blueblood and Shining Armor. Pompous versus the bold! Plus them fighting a flan monster at the very end was a good way to keep me engaged. I thought maybe they could be a duo (although tense and reluctant from both parties), but the soiling of an autographed comic book probably squelched that option.
So, minor things to pick at. Not necessarily things you have to change, but some things that tripped me up while reading:
First, the beginning really confused me. But, not to worry. Beginnings always leave me disoriented. I just have to wait until later in the story to get my bearings. My suggestion, however, is to have some rooting in place (In my view, setting and characters). Yes, dialogue is necessary to explain the problem/plot, but take time to describe setting on the fly while the action pulls you along.
Secondly, Dialogue tags. Not having dialogue tags can be effective in some cases. In this case though, please give a hint towards which tag belongs to who. I was able to make out which strand of dialogue belongs to who, although a little bit shakily.
Third, How come Blueblood brought the comic book into the sewers with him? I understand he is using it as a point of reference to see what happens next. I guess it has to do with my preconceived notion that reading the comic book is something he would want to do in private (not wanting to be caught out in the open with it). However, I would think, by implication, that he brought it into the sewers for the sole reason of final assurance that he could spit in Shining’s face just in case things went awry… but that is just an idea. Besides, this idea wouldn’t work for the sole reason that the soiled comic book in the end seemed to be a honest mistake.
I’m not sure if this viewpoint matches others, so take it with a grain of salt. Most of this is written from first impressions, so most chances I’m missing something.
Thanks for writing!
A somber one, to say the least. It picks a topic that is heavy and describes it rather effectively.
I’m still learning to review, so take this with a grain of salt.
I'm sorry if this comes off too terse, but the idea seems a lot of cut-and-paste. Sure, it delivers, but the metaphor of masks seems overseasoned near the end. I get the idea that real Lyra is drowning metaphorically, but it is distracting me a tad from the points at hand (hard to describe, but halted my immersion for a second). I don’t know. I could just be me. I’ve read a handful of somber fics a little while back, so the recurring themes could be tainting my viewpoint.
I guess my point is that it needs a little refinement in the fact that with the little snippets, I felt detached on some, but I could feel Lyra’s plight on others. Give us a little bit more to chew on in between the breaks of poetry. More of it helps the reader anchor into the story more instead of drifting from place to place.
But, kudos to you! To me, the poetry is a nice and effective touch. If I might distract from the point a bit, the poetry rounds probably can use a great writer like you. (Or, I may be talking to a veteran. If so, just ignore this).
Again though, take this with a grain of salt. I feel bad for laying it all out and being brutally honest, but my excuse is that I’m learning to speak my mind.
Still though! This is a good piece! Thanks for writing!
I’m still learning to review, so take this with a grain of salt.
I'm sorry if this comes off too terse, but the idea seems a lot of cut-and-paste. Sure, it delivers, but the metaphor of masks seems overseasoned near the end. I get the idea that real Lyra is drowning metaphorically, but it is distracting me a tad from the points at hand (hard to describe, but halted my immersion for a second). I don’t know. I could just be me. I’ve read a handful of somber fics a little while back, so the recurring themes could be tainting my viewpoint.
I guess my point is that it needs a little refinement in the fact that with the little snippets, I felt detached on some, but I could feel Lyra’s plight on others. Give us a little bit more to chew on in between the breaks of poetry. More of it helps the reader anchor into the story more instead of drifting from place to place.
But, kudos to you! To me, the poetry is a nice and effective touch. If I might distract from the point a bit, the poetry rounds probably can use a great writer like you. (Or, I may be talking to a veteran. If so, just ignore this).
Again though, take this with a grain of salt. I feel bad for laying it all out and being brutally honest, but my excuse is that I’m learning to speak my mind.
Still though! This is a good piece! Thanks for writing!
Looks like a common theme with this round is a little bit of somber.
I’m still learning how to review, so please take this with a grain of salt.
I can kinda see where you are going, writer. Post-G4, we wonder where everypony is at and how they are fending. Marble pie is one that we forgot about. We can wonder, how is she doing after all is said and done post-season 9
But, to be terse, this needs a lot of work. First off, length. This is almost 5k words, and the beginning is slow. Maybe use a little more action to speed it up? Maybe the rock starts to roll uncontrollably down the hill?
That, and the interactions with Marble and the ponies of the town is a good touch, but seems pointless? You can probably fix this with more characterization of Marble. Maybe make her more unsure around Buratta? Maybe make her a little more aloof from Rhyolite? Which kind of brings me to the next point…
I understand as much that Marble is a little more cautious after her crushing on Big Mac. That may make her a little more cautious about talking to Rhyolite, who doesn’t hesitate to complement her. The interaction is very wooden and needs some work.
Lastly, the ending needs some work. You’ve added a nice touch with Pinkie comforting her sister with a Lil’ Cheese still in her womb, but rather communicated poorly. This is where the fic should shine, so spend a little more TLC on it. Fit it with more things that would make the reader laugh/cry at the Pinkie and Marble interactions.
That is my ten cents. Again, take it with a grain of salt. I’m not exactly the best reviewer.
Thanks for Writing!
I’m still learning how to review, so please take this with a grain of salt.
I can kinda see where you are going, writer. Post-G4, we wonder where everypony is at and how they are fending. Marble pie is one that we forgot about. We can wonder, how is she doing after all is said and done post-season 9
But, to be terse, this needs a lot of work. First off, length. This is almost 5k words, and the beginning is slow. Maybe use a little more action to speed it up? Maybe the rock starts to roll uncontrollably down the hill?
That, and the interactions with Marble and the ponies of the town is a good touch, but seems pointless? You can probably fix this with more characterization of Marble. Maybe make her more unsure around Buratta? Maybe make her a little more aloof from Rhyolite? Which kind of brings me to the next point…
I understand as much that Marble is a little more cautious after her crushing on Big Mac. That may make her a little more cautious about talking to Rhyolite, who doesn’t hesitate to complement her. The interaction is very wooden and needs some work.
Lastly, the ending needs some work. You’ve added a nice touch with Pinkie comforting her sister with a Lil’ Cheese still in her womb, but rather communicated poorly. This is where the fic should shine, so spend a little more TLC on it. Fit it with more things that would make the reader laugh/cry at the Pinkie and Marble interactions.
That is my ten cents. Again, take it with a grain of salt. I’m not exactly the best reviewer.
Thanks for Writing!
This officially has stolen the first place spot on my slate. Why? It instilled feeling and provoked thoughts for me (see below for details).
This fic is effective in the fact that it has one purpose only: to tell an alternate story of Discord. Yes, we all know canonically that Discord is conscious in the centuries he spends in stone. However, this goes deeper to make the reader feel the merciless passing time and give them an existential crisis along the way.
This also gives depth to the reason why Celestia and Luna, his friends, sentenced him to stone. Maybe the reason why isn’t to store a villain until a determined date in the future. Maybe the reason why is because the passage of time would allow such malice to dissipate with the flow of time, much like many, many other processes that take place in the universe.
Being all prose, this fic stands boldly, as these types of fics have to hit the right notes to be effective. However, this one knocks it out of the ball park. I have no chink that I can expose nor advice to give since this one’s rock solid (pun intended).
Thanks for writing!
This fic is effective in the fact that it has one purpose only: to tell an alternate story of Discord. Yes, we all know canonically that Discord is conscious in the centuries he spends in stone. However, this goes deeper to make the reader feel the merciless passing time and give them an existential crisis along the way.
This also gives depth to the reason why Celestia and Luna, his friends, sentenced him to stone. Maybe the reason why isn’t to store a villain until a determined date in the future. Maybe the reason why is because the passage of time would allow such malice to dissipate with the flow of time, much like many, many other processes that take place in the universe.
Being all prose, this fic stands boldly, as these types of fics have to hit the right notes to be effective. However, this one knocks it out of the ball park. I have no chink that I can expose nor advice to give since this one’s rock solid (pun intended).
Thanks for writing!
You thought it was sleep paralysis, but it was really me, existential terror!
Quickie up front:
I joked in that first line, but my perception really did shift rapidly in the opening paragraphs from sleep paralysis to changeling to chronic depression before the imposter syndrome idea really cemented. Which is totally fine, it was a quick adjustment and they all sort of lead into each other easily enough in my head space.
I dig the poetry interjections! I'm not a poetologist so I don't know if that's original work or from a more well known piece, but either way it's thematically appropriate, and they make for a convenient scene change. Sort of reminds me of the Donnie Darko director's cut, but good instead of abject poison to the atmosphere of the piece.
Special shout out to Mask Lyra speaking in bolded text. I'm a big fan of using unconventional means to emphasize speech. You also put her internal monologue into quotes too, which I'd normally write off as just ignoring the usual convention of italicizing thoughts, but since we sort of have a dual-Lyra thing going it feels like she's talking to her self rather than thinking, so I'm going to call it a second win in the Unconventional Speech box.
My only whiff is that the ending lines seem to drag a bit? Introducing the idea of other ponies wearing "masks" fits the story well, but only doing it so close to the end feels a bit rushed, and there's not much time for Lyra to really learn from it. We go from Deep Ocean to relatively hunky dorey in the space of a few lines.
As FATE would have it, I my page originally stopped at this line:
Quickie up front:
farmer’s market unfolded in front of[/center] herRandom text alignment fragment hanging out.
I joked in that first line, but my perception really did shift rapidly in the opening paragraphs from sleep paralysis to changeling to chronic depression before the imposter syndrome idea really cemented. Which is totally fine, it was a quick adjustment and they all sort of lead into each other easily enough in my head space.
I dig the poetry interjections! I'm not a poetologist so I don't know if that's original work or from a more well known piece, but either way it's thematically appropriate, and they make for a convenient scene change. Sort of reminds me of the Donnie Darko director's cut, but good instead of abject poison to the atmosphere of the piece.
Special shout out to Mask Lyra speaking in bolded text. I'm a big fan of using unconventional means to emphasize speech. You also put her internal monologue into quotes too, which I'd normally write off as just ignoring the usual convention of italicizing thoughts, but since we sort of have a dual-Lyra thing going it feels like she's talking to her self rather than thinking, so I'm going to call it a second win in the Unconventional Speech box.
My only whiff is that the ending lines seem to drag a bit? Introducing the idea of other ponies wearing "masks" fits the story well, but only doing it so close to the end feels a bit rushed, and there's not much time for Lyra to really learn from it. We go from Deep Ocean to relatively hunky dorey in the space of a few lines.
As FATE would have it, I my page originally stopped at this line:
Lyra was shaking as she returned the embrace, finally able to breathe again.I thought that was a great ending spot, then it kept rolling a bit longer. Still, a solid entry over all and I'm happier for having it in my life.
First thing. I really do like the poetry.
Second thing. I kind of understand Lyra's issues yet at the same time I don't understand them at all. I know what its like to try and appear fun and witty around acquaintances only to say something awkward. And have that moment linger with me for days. But I have never suffered impostor syndrome and honestly I wish I knew why you went with that. At first I figured it was some kind of meta about how the fandom depicts Lyra as a fun goofy mare who is fun to be around, but her "canon" self is rather plain and boring while BonBon is the whacky one. But I could be overthinking it.
Third thing. How well does this story go with the prompt? Fairly well I think. If the impostor syndrome is a mental health issue then BonBon is a really good friend for sticking by Lyra's side but the prompt "will friendship be enough" seems almost a second thought in this story as BonBon's declaration to stand by Lyra despite her issues comes at the very end, and no friendship was really challenged or tested. BonBon is resolute the entire time.
But to refute myself, looking at this from Lyra's perspective I suppose its BonBon's friendship that keeps her from falling all the way into despair. In which case that is a good use of the prompt.
Second thing. I kind of understand Lyra's issues yet at the same time I don't understand them at all. I know what its like to try and appear fun and witty around acquaintances only to say something awkward. And have that moment linger with me for days. But I have never suffered impostor syndrome and honestly I wish I knew why you went with that. At first I figured it was some kind of meta about how the fandom depicts Lyra as a fun goofy mare who is fun to be around, but her "canon" self is rather plain and boring while BonBon is the whacky one. But I could be overthinking it.
Third thing. How well does this story go with the prompt? Fairly well I think. If the impostor syndrome is a mental health issue then BonBon is a really good friend for sticking by Lyra's side but the prompt "will friendship be enough" seems almost a second thought in this story as BonBon's declaration to stand by Lyra despite her issues comes at the very end, and no friendship was really challenged or tested. BonBon is resolute the entire time.
But to refute myself, looking at this from Lyra's perspective I suppose its BonBon's friendship that keeps her from falling all the way into despair. In which case that is a good use of the prompt.
Pretty cool fic. But I have a hang up with it. Firstly I feel like the prompt gets lost within this story, this freakin horror story about Discord falling apart over eons and not being able to do anything about it. Like being rendered paralyzed by venom as it slowly kills you or something. In that case this story is very well written, but I by the time it was over I forgot what the prompt was.
The passage of time beat down Discord's wrath and that is because Celestia and Luna turned him to stone. And then he was reincarnated.as an adorable white kitten. My first thought was "did he just get reborn as Celestia?" But that wouldn't make sense she isn't the only thing that can have white fur. So that's a mystery.
I suppose the idea is Discord's punishment had an almost divine element of foresight ingrained into it. Over the millennia his soul was filtered by the planet and cleansed and technically he's been given a second chance. I just loose what that all has to do with friendship. Is friendship enough? Yes? No? By the point of his reincarnation does it matter? I sadly can't tell.
The passage of time beat down Discord's wrath and that is because Celestia and Luna turned him to stone. And then he was reincarnated.
I suppose the idea is Discord's punishment had an almost divine element of foresight ingrained into it. Over the millennia his soul was filtered by the planet and cleansed and technically he's been given a second chance. I just loose what that all has to do with friendship. Is friendship enough? Yes? No? By the point of his reincarnation does it matter? I sadly can't tell.
...I don't get why other commenters think this story is about Discord.
Discord's in it, but it's pretty clear that the main character was opposed by Discord -- "For a while I was able to hold them at bay as I remelted the world to a better future, but then that insufferable old goat had to pop in, sighing and putting down his half-eaten teacup. When Harmony thinks it necessary to invoke the aid of the Lord of Chaos, you may officially count that your plans have gone awry."
The main character tried to take over the world by controlling the sun, was defeated by Harmony, Discord, and her friends, spends so much time in stone that it bleeds away all her malice and makes her sincerely believe in Harmony, and then she's reborn as a white foal. Who thinks to herself that no longer will she live to break the day; she'll take a new identity, something celestial.
... How is it not blatantly obvious who this is?
Discord's in it, but it's pretty clear that the main character was opposed by Discord -- "For a while I was able to hold them at bay as I remelted the world to a better future, but then that insufferable old goat had to pop in, sighing and putting down his half-eaten teacup. When Harmony thinks it necessary to invoke the aid of the Lord of Chaos, you may officially count that your plans have gone awry."
The main character tried to take over the world by controlling the sun, was defeated by Harmony, Discord, and her friends, spends so much time in stone that it bleeds away all her malice and makes her sincerely believe in Harmony, and then she's reborn as a white foal. Who thinks to herself that no longer will she live to break the day; she'll take a new identity, something celestial.
... How is it not blatantly obvious who this is?
>>PinoyPony
...
Welp, I messed up. Sorry writer for the misconception. By my review going first, I think I've tainted the viewpoint with an incorrect presumption.
Thanks for the clarification >>alarajrogers ! Good thing you caught it before it got out of hand!
...I'll see my way out before I cause any more damage.
...
Welp, I messed up. Sorry writer for the misconception. By my review going first, I think I've tainted the viewpoint with an incorrect presumption.
Thanks for the clarification >>alarajrogers ! Good thing you caught it before it got out of hand!
...I'll see my way out before I cause any more damage.
So the story is actually about Daybreaker? Well color me fooled. I figured this was some alternate interpretation of events. But I never thought it was a completely different set of events. So in my mind I was locked into what was canon and slightly alternate versions of canon. To me everything about the story screams Discord.
I never would have assumed this is a pre Celestia origin story and Discord is a good guy. Now I wonder where Luna is. I assumed this was a reformed Discord who had backslid into evil and had to be petrified again. Oops.
But now the white fur thing makes a heck of a lot more sense. Daybreaker's design is so ugly I kinda forgot that alt version of Celestia ever existed.
I never would have assumed this is a pre Celestia origin story and Discord is a good guy. Now I wonder where Luna is. I assumed this was a reformed Discord who had backslid into evil and had to be petrified again. Oops.
But now the white fur thing makes a heck of a lot more sense. Daybreaker's design is so ugly I kinda forgot that alt version of Celestia ever existed.
This was super radical. I didn't mix up the narrator for Discord, like some others, but I wasn't sure until the end either, which I believe was the point. Frankly, my money was on Twilight for a while there. SciTwi did have a similar "just shut up and let me unmake reality real quick" moment, after all. But, there's clues that it's Celestia, or at least a precursor. The melting, the fire in the sky references, the hateboner for Discord.
As written in the lore, I'm a huge fan of first person present tense work, and this is exemplary. Varied sentence openings and a strong description of the going ons (goings on?) around the rubble as it travels sell the spreading sensory input and fractured body. Relating back to the concept of fire, it's great that it takes the core of the world to finally unravel Protolestia's hunger for vengeance.
This is only the second fic I've read, but it's a strong contender for 1st in any round, and I'm happier having read it.
Edit: Also shout out to extending the history of Equine-ish civilization back a whole geological era. That's super cool too.
As written in the lore, I'm a huge fan of first person present tense work, and this is exemplary. Varied sentence openings and a strong description of the going ons (goings on?) around the rubble as it travels sell the spreading sensory input and fractured body. Relating back to the concept of fire, it's great that it takes the core of the world to finally unravel Protolestia's hunger for vengeance.
This is only the second fic I've read, but it's a strong contender for 1st in any round, and I'm happier having read it.
Edit: Also shout out to extending the history of Equine-ish civilization back a whole geological era. That's super cool too.
Humorously, my first thought going through this was "oh wow a story about rock ponies not related to Pinkie somehow, what an absolutely novel concept. I can't wait to see how this plays out."
-_-
Still, there's a lot going on in the first act that supports the relatively short second. And the fact that I had no idea Bornite was really Marble until Pinkie showed up, despite actively describing her cutie mark, speaks well for how engaged I was in the current character rather than digging for historical attachments. All the pieces didn't really click until I starting writing this, but in retrospect everything is laid out nicely.
I question who exactly she's stuck on, though. The obvious answer is Big Mac but there's a not insignificant time gap between when he wanders off to get a cup of sugar and now, if the age of Lil' Cheese is anything to go by in the finale. But, love is powerful and calm waters hide multitudes, so it's not unreasonable to think that her dashed crush would leave such a lingering wound either way.
All in all, a super cool piece, even if my initial rock pony thrill was stomped out toward the end. I'd be eager to see how Bonite handles her emotions going forward, and I'd especially love it if she stayed in this quaint little seaside town.
Edit: Oh, and the title is cool, too. Sloom: a light sleep : doze, slumber. Works to describe the cozy little town and the sort of low-key life Bonite's living.
-_-
Still, there's a lot going on in the first act that supports the relatively short second. And the fact that I had no idea Bornite was really Marble until Pinkie showed up, despite actively describing her cutie mark, speaks well for how engaged I was in the current character rather than digging for historical attachments. All the pieces didn't really click until I starting writing this, but in retrospect everything is laid out nicely.
I question who exactly she's stuck on, though. The obvious answer is Big Mac but there's a not insignificant time gap between when he wanders off to get a cup of sugar and now, if the age of Lil' Cheese is anything to go by in the finale. But, love is powerful and calm waters hide multitudes, so it's not unreasonable to think that her dashed crush would leave such a lingering wound either way.
All in all, a super cool piece, even if my initial rock pony thrill was stomped out toward the end. I'd be eager to see how Bonite handles her emotions going forward, and I'd especially love it if she stayed in this quaint little seaside town.
Edit: Oh, and the title is cool, too. Sloom: a light sleep : doze, slumber. Works to describe the cozy little town and the sort of low-key life Bonite's living.
I used to collect comics myself, and have a great many of them signed by one Archie's premier inkers at the time. I would absolutely acquit Shining on any charges related to whatever he does next for Blueblood's grievous offenses and crimes against collectibles.
Renowned PINO (Prince in name only) Blueblood deigning to finally get his hooves dirty after getting a stern talking to by a real pony (Prince on Nopony's naughY list; I don't know I'm bad at jokes). It's a bit too much of a happy coincidence that the monster in the sewer was exactly the type in the comic that Blueblood filched. All the pieces are in place for that comic being out specifically because Shiny was looking up tips for what he suspected was down there—negating the luck aspect entirely—which is what I was expecting when there was so much detail on how they were accurate in terms of combat and tactics. That's a minor nitpick, but a real lost opportunity to leverage some in-story logic.
I dig the "period piece" nature of this story. It's ye olden times, in terms of seasons! I love those times. Shiny's getting hitched, but he's still got a job to do, made worse by ponies who think they're too good for the tasks assigned. Perfect use of the time and characters. Blueblood's a little more restrained here than I'm used to seeing, not immediately going out of his way to ruin Shining Armor's life with scandal. Seeing him with a bit of sense is a nice change of pace.
Not much to add beyond that. Solid in-your-own-backyard adventure. Trademark copyright industry secret patent pending genre title.
Renowned PINO (Prince in name only) Blueblood deigning to finally get his hooves dirty after getting a stern talking to by a real pony (Prince on Nopony's naughY list; I don't know I'm bad at jokes). It's a bit too much of a happy coincidence that the monster in the sewer was exactly the type in the comic that Blueblood filched. All the pieces are in place for that comic being out specifically because Shiny was looking up tips for what he suspected was down there—negating the luck aspect entirely—which is what I was expecting when there was so much detail on how they were accurate in terms of combat and tactics. That's a minor nitpick, but a real lost opportunity to leverage some in-story logic.
I dig the "period piece" nature of this story. It's ye olden times, in terms of seasons! I love those times. Shiny's getting hitched, but he's still got a job to do, made worse by ponies who think they're too good for the tasks assigned. Perfect use of the time and characters. Blueblood's a little more restrained here than I'm used to seeing, not immediately going out of his way to ruin Shining Armor's life with scandal. Seeing him with a bit of sense is a nice change of pace.
Not much to add beyond that. Solid in-your-own-backyard adventure. Trademark copyright industry secret patent pending genre title.
Muwahaha see I didn't mess up on this story like I did on the fragments fic. I figured it was Marble Pie the moment she started musing about her lost opportunity at love. When talking to Ryolite, the description of her cutie mark, and the character's shy behavior also made it pretty clear who this was. But I was interested in the name change angle. Indeed it seems Marble has been hung up on her lost love opportunity for several years.
As Rao said, the title is well picked considering Marble has essentially decided to not pursue her desire for love, and instead seemingly sulk the rest of her life away. I'd imagine she probably hasn't been in this port town for super long. Maybe around the time Big Mac got married. Granted we never know how old foals are in this show, or anyone for that matter.
I have to admit I felt a bit daunted by the word count. Going in cold with no descriptions on these things makes it hard to brace myself. But this was a nice story about family-friendship bonds and how we should always try to be there for one another.
As Rao said, the title is well picked considering Marble has essentially decided to not pursue her desire for love, and instead seemingly sulk the rest of her life away. I'd imagine she probably hasn't been in this port town for super long. Maybe around the time Big Mac got married. Granted we never know how old foals are in this show, or anyone for that matter.
I have to admit I felt a bit daunted by the word count. Going in cold with no descriptions on these things makes it hard to brace myself. But this was a nice story about family-friendship bonds and how we should always try to be there for one another.
I'm a genuine sucker for introspective character pieces, so I was immediately drawn in with what this story had to offer. The concept may not exactly be novel, but there's no harm in sticking to what works for you, Author, which it definitely does. I think you did just enough of an exploration into Lyra's psyche to allow us to sympathize, especially with how it slowly escalates until she reaches that breaking point towards the climax.
I do agree with >>PinoyPony that at times, the scenes do come across as vignettes instead of them being a part of a larger narrative progression. Maybe having a scene or two that further showcases these clashing emotions in the company of other faces within her everyday life aside from her friends would help develop these ideas. Or perhaps showcase some sense of gradual change in her character as the story goes along. Either way, having a bit more would certainly help and is a sign that you're on the right track with this entry.
The only major gripe I have is really the ending, in which it feels just a little bit rushed for my sake. I think pacing out the scene and letting the dialogue between Lyra and Bon Bon breathe would do wonders for this entry, especially when Bon Bon tells her she's not alone with that dilemma. I'd recommend drawing out Lyra's realization of that fact as well as set aside some space for Bon Bon to pour out her own insecurities onto the table. It would really bring out that moment of catharsis that I think such a story definitely needs.
As for the poetry sections, I'm going to deviate from my fellow reviewers and say that I'm generally indifferent towards them. The poems themselves aren't bad; I can certainly see myself enjoying them on their own. I just don't think that they really introduce anything new to the table or reinforce any of the ideas that the narrative sections had already cemented in place. The storytelling itself is doing a good job already at letting us know Lyra's struggles and circumstances, so as much as I like the prose and the imagery the poetry conveyed, it does come across as a bit redundant to me, unfortunately.
Overall, it's a pretty solid entry. Apart from some grammatical and formatting hiccups, I enjoyed reading this, even if it does tread a bit of familiar territory for me. If this is your first time writing a story of this nature, then kudos to you for hitting on the head. If not, then I think what I would like to see further explored in the story is how this experience is unique to Lyra herself, especially since Bon Bon does state explicitly at the end that it happens to everyone. Either way, you have a good first draft here, dear Author. It'll be interesting to see how you develop this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck.
I do agree with >>PinoyPony that at times, the scenes do come across as vignettes instead of them being a part of a larger narrative progression. Maybe having a scene or two that further showcases these clashing emotions in the company of other faces within her everyday life aside from her friends would help develop these ideas. Or perhaps showcase some sense of gradual change in her character as the story goes along. Either way, having a bit more would certainly help and is a sign that you're on the right track with this entry.
The only major gripe I have is really the ending, in which it feels just a little bit rushed for my sake. I think pacing out the scene and letting the dialogue between Lyra and Bon Bon breathe would do wonders for this entry, especially when Bon Bon tells her she's not alone with that dilemma. I'd recommend drawing out Lyra's realization of that fact as well as set aside some space for Bon Bon to pour out her own insecurities onto the table. It would really bring out that moment of catharsis that I think such a story definitely needs.
As for the poetry sections, I'm going to deviate from my fellow reviewers and say that I'm generally indifferent towards them. The poems themselves aren't bad; I can certainly see myself enjoying them on their own. I just don't think that they really introduce anything new to the table or reinforce any of the ideas that the narrative sections had already cemented in place. The storytelling itself is doing a good job already at letting us know Lyra's struggles and circumstances, so as much as I like the prose and the imagery the poetry conveyed, it does come across as a bit redundant to me, unfortunately.
Overall, it's a pretty solid entry. Apart from some grammatical and formatting hiccups, I enjoyed reading this, even if it does tread a bit of familiar territory for me. If this is your first time writing a story of this nature, then kudos to you for hitting on the head. If not, then I think what I would like to see further explored in the story is how this experience is unique to Lyra herself, especially since Bon Bon does state explicitly at the end that it happens to everyone. Either way, you have a good first draft here, dear Author. It'll be interesting to see how you develop this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck.
I like how moody this looks. I don't know any big cool art words but this sets a nice prologue-ish image of "Bornite" finding her hiding place. A sad scruffy looking port town that, as we know from reading the story, has its own color and happy ponies living within. But this poor mare is too stuck in her failed past to recognize future potential.
BUTTLOAD GELLO
That sounds like a sex toy company.
Well I can't tell people how to enjoy their desserts...
Great picture by the way!
That sounds like a sex toy company.
Well I can't tell people how to enjoy their desserts...
Great picture by the way!
>>PinoyPony, >>pigeonsmall, >>alarajrogers, >>Rao
My Fragments
Thanks for the silver and the great comments! Congrats to Pinoy and Pigeon, and a salute to Anon, whoever you are.
I followed my own advice on this one and did a crossover with the prompt that I had wanted to win. : D
I actually had most of the story written before deciding who the narrator would be; I had originally envisioned the fic as portraying a future Equestria, with Twilight/Glimmer/Young 6 as candidates, but choosing proto-Celestia and setting it in the past proved to be compelling enough.
Thanks again, and see you all next round! Enjoy the art in the meantime.
My Fragments
Thanks for the silver and the great comments! Congrats to Pinoy and Pigeon, and a salute to Anon, whoever you are.
I followed my own advice on this one and did a crossover with the prompt that I had wanted to win. : D
I actually had most of the story written before deciding who the narrator would be; I had originally envisioned the fic as portraying a future Equestria, with Twilight/Glimmer/Young 6 as candidates, but choosing proto-Celestia and setting it in the past proved to be compelling enough.
Thanks again, and see you all next round! Enjoy the art in the meantime.
This story was honestly quite a journey for me to unpack, so much so that I wasn't particularly sure how to approach reviewing it for the longest while. Despite understanding most of what's happening fresh off my first read, I wasn't exactly sure if I enjoyed what I was given here, and it really only took subsequent reads for me to actually come to appreciate the ideas at play here. Nevertheless, in spite of my opinions, I will preface this review by stating that I think you've managed to tell quite a profound story here. What you have right here is really something to behold, especially if this is a first draft for something bigger down the FimFiction pipe.
The concept itself is very bold yet very carefully executed. I really liked the fact that you played the cards super close to your chest with this one. In fact, way before knowing who our protagonist really was, I was actually enjoying reading about Bornite and her general musings within her day-to-day life. That, in of itself, signifies already how great her characterization was, plot twist notwithstanding.
Regardless, I do think some of the scenes could be worked in a little better, particularly the ones when she's alone at home. I think those are the scenes that, when I take away the plot twist from the entire structure, are the ones that felt a bit out of place. Perhaps smoother transitions between them might make it work? Or perhaps they could relate back to the preceding scenes to further build upon the ideas that were unfolded there. You know, have a train of thought that we could trace alongside our protagonist as the story moves along.
Similarly, I do wish the final scenes where Pinkie and Cheese step into the picture were more defined in helping shape Marble's perspective as the story closes itself out. Currently, I don't think it's that clear what exactly changed for the better in Marble, only that a positive change happened. I don't think there's a need to be explicit about it, but I am curious about how exactly she overcame it thanks to Pinkie and Cheese showing up. Also, minor gripe, I wished the story ended on Marble's note instead of her sister's, since she's the protagonist of the story after all.
Also, I just want to mention that I really liked the dialogue throughout this story, especially in the scene involving Rhyolite. I like that each of the scenes had just enough tension and purpose to keep the ball rolling. Now, I'd usually just mention this as an aside, but having now known who wrote this, I just wanna say I'm genuinely glad that I get to see such an astounding improvement from your past work. Just keep doing what you've been doing! You're on the right track.
All in all, this is a very thought-provoking yet very heartfelt story, one that I'm sure would be amazing once everything's all polished and fluffed up. There's a lot of potential with what you already have here for it to be a remarkable story on FimFic. I, for one, would be eagerly waiting should you choose to go ahead with it.
Thanks for writing, and once again, congratulations on your win!
The concept itself is very bold yet very carefully executed. I really liked the fact that you played the cards super close to your chest with this one. In fact, way before knowing who our protagonist really was, I was actually enjoying reading about Bornite and her general musings within her day-to-day life. That, in of itself, signifies already how great her characterization was, plot twist notwithstanding.
Regardless, I do think some of the scenes could be worked in a little better, particularly the ones when she's alone at home. I think those are the scenes that, when I take away the plot twist from the entire structure, are the ones that felt a bit out of place. Perhaps smoother transitions between them might make it work? Or perhaps they could relate back to the preceding scenes to further build upon the ideas that were unfolded there. You know, have a train of thought that we could trace alongside our protagonist as the story moves along.
Similarly, I do wish the final scenes where Pinkie and Cheese step into the picture were more defined in helping shape Marble's perspective as the story closes itself out. Currently, I don't think it's that clear what exactly changed for the better in Marble, only that a positive change happened. I don't think there's a need to be explicit about it, but I am curious about how exactly she overcame it thanks to Pinkie and Cheese showing up. Also, minor gripe, I wished the story ended on Marble's note instead of her sister's, since she's the protagonist of the story after all.
Also, I just want to mention that I really liked the dialogue throughout this story, especially in the scene involving Rhyolite. I like that each of the scenes had just enough tension and purpose to keep the ball rolling. Now, I'd usually just mention this as an aside, but having now known who wrote this, I just wanna say I'm genuinely glad that I get to see such an astounding improvement from your past work. Just keep doing what you've been doing! You're on the right track.
All in all, this is a very thought-provoking yet very heartfelt story, one that I'm sure would be amazing once everything's all polished and fluffed up. There's a lot of potential with what you already have here for it to be a remarkable story on FimFic. I, for one, would be eagerly waiting should you choose to go ahead with it.
Thanks for writing, and once again, congratulations on your win!
Congrats to you for winning! This was a fun experience. Albeit the initial writing part was kind of stressful to me. I can see myself getting the stride quicker next go around.
After Sloom: Retrospective
Thank you for the Gold! I wasn’t expecting it! After what Rao said in WO chat, I thought I would be at most lucky to secure a Silver (which I would be more than content with). But GOLD! REEEEE!
Okay, I’ll try to contain my excitement. There is a first time for everything. Slowly, but surely, this is going to my head.
This retro was originally longer, so for sake of brevity, I whittled it down to the most important parts. (Also, I dropped the spoiler tags since the competition is done. If anyone has a problem with it, let me know and I will promptly edit this Retro.)
>>Rao
Looks like my plot-twist worked! I was hoping that someone would read it, but not catch onto the fact that Bornite is actually Marble Pie! However, there are more rocky things to go over (pun intended).
When your review came, I had a little brainstorm session about making Bornite a completely separate individual from Marble. In the end, I decided against it since the plot-twist of Bornite’s identity was essential for the story.
More importantly was your point on the implication of her sulking because of Big Mac. This fic still has a little work to be done. Yes, the whole idea was that Marble decided to put some distance between herself and Big Mac. I think it was a pinch too vague since I was trying to pull a sneaky on ya. I mean, if I mentioned the name ‘Big Mac’ outright, it would’ve been a dead giveaway. But, yes, I could’ve mentioned more after Pinkie entered the scene.
As for the question with how long Marble has been in the seaside town, see my reply to pigeonsmall (they asked a similar question).
Lastly, since you mentioned you like the name, here’s a little tidbit: I actually got the name from an Of Monsters and Men song I was listening to as I was finishing it the night of. Their music (at least albums one and two) work eerily well with the atmosphere of the fic if you want to have a listen.
>>pigeonsmall
>>pigeonsmall
Give yourself some credit too! Bronze is nothing to sniff at. First time too! You are doing wayyy better than I did when I first entered. Sure, it takes some practice and getting used to, but that’s the fun of it.
Anyways, back to your review. It goes to show that my plot-twist wasn’t completely veiled.
Also, going into the same vein as Rao, the timescale that I had in mind was meant to be ample, but negligible. The theory is that as soon as Marble had received word that Sugar Belle and Big Mac had consummated their marriage, she decided to flee from home and start again. (Since Lil’ Cheese and the foal that Sugar and Mac had aren’t too different in age, it only makes sense that Pinkie is pregnant around that time that Sugar had just barely had their foal)... maybe that’s the first thing I clarify in the first edit of the piece :pinkiesmile:.
>>WritingSpirit
As always, your reviews are great! Thank you for the kind words on behalf of the fic. I had no idea that this random shot would strike gold! Knowing the caliber of this idea, I do hope it ends up on Fimfic (funny coincidence, but I think my slots for publishing on Fimfic are beginning to open).
Anyways, onto the meat of the review. I do agree that the scenes at home are detached from when she is in town. Part of the reason is because I didn’t want to jeopardize giving away the plot-twist prematurely. Still though, home and town scenes are as different as night and day, and may need to be connected better.
Not going to lie though, the ending is a little rushed since it I had to pull through on the final stretch the night of. The ending was better than I expected. At first, I was planning to have Pinkie and Marble go into a heated argument, but alas, writing such a scene and controlling the dialogue wasn’t a feat I was ready to handle with little sleep. So, I took a shortcut. Marble is a quiet pony, so if there was something bothering her, she would withdraw from the situation. Having Pinkie let Marble feel her baby brought me to tears as I was writing it, so that part’s definitely a keeper.
I’m surprised that the Rhyolite interaction worked well. I was getting the impression that it was a weak spot in the story, plus I was pushing my luck with hinting at Bornite’s ‘hesitation’ toward a relationship presenting itself. Big point I want to emphasize is that Marble is not necessarily bitter about Big Mac, but she is overly careful about who she lets into her life. She just doesn’t want to hurt again.
There is a lot more I can go over in this, but I better stop. Retro is getting a bit girthy from my ramblings.
All in all, I am very tempted to swipe aside all the projects I have and focus on this one, but as I will say in the final verdict, I’m afraid of killing the golden goose. Sure, I managed to Nat-20 this round, but will I be able to pull it off again?
No, if I’m going to need the help of an editor. I think that Pasco would be a fine fit, but I think I pinged the poor editor enough as it is. Not to mention they have a lot on their plate.
With that, my burning question is do you know of a particular editor that would be able to help me polish this? Or is the original idea the best idea and just contact Pascoite?
>>Final Verdict
Because this was a success on the WO, I kind of want to expand it to a full-length fic on Fimfic, but I fear I’d kill the golden goose if I tried. So, for now, to anyone who is interested, PM on Fimfic or on Discord if you want to see where I plan to take it (or just want to see an update). Lastly, if it works better for anyone, I can set up a Google Doc link in this comment.
Thank you for the Gold! I wasn’t expecting it! After what Rao said in WO chat, I thought I would be at most lucky to secure a Silver (which I would be more than content with). But GOLD! REEEEE!
Okay, I’ll try to contain my excitement. There is a first time for everything. Slowly, but surely, this is going to my head.
This retro was originally longer, so for sake of brevity, I whittled it down to the most important parts. (Also, I dropped the spoiler tags since the competition is done. If anyone has a problem with it, let me know and I will promptly edit this Retro.)
>>Rao
Looks like my plot-twist worked! I was hoping that someone would read it, but not catch onto the fact that Bornite is actually Marble Pie! However, there are more rocky things to go over (pun intended).
When your review came, I had a little brainstorm session about making Bornite a completely separate individual from Marble. In the end, I decided against it since the plot-twist of Bornite’s identity was essential for the story.
More importantly was your point on the implication of her sulking because of Big Mac. This fic still has a little work to be done. Yes, the whole idea was that Marble decided to put some distance between herself and Big Mac. I think it was a pinch too vague since I was trying to pull a sneaky on ya. I mean, if I mentioned the name ‘Big Mac’ outright, it would’ve been a dead giveaway. But, yes, I could’ve mentioned more after Pinkie entered the scene.
As for the question with how long Marble has been in the seaside town, see my reply to pigeonsmall (they asked a similar question).
Lastly, since you mentioned you like the name, here’s a little tidbit: I actually got the name from an Of Monsters and Men song I was listening to as I was finishing it the night of. Their music (at least albums one and two) work eerily well with the atmosphere of the fic if you want to have a listen.
>>pigeonsmall
>>pigeonsmall
Give yourself some credit too! Bronze is nothing to sniff at. First time too! You are doing wayyy better than I did when I first entered. Sure, it takes some practice and getting used to, but that’s the fun of it.
Anyways, back to your review. It goes to show that my plot-twist wasn’t completely veiled.
Also, going into the same vein as Rao, the timescale that I had in mind was meant to be ample, but negligible. The theory is that as soon as Marble had received word that Sugar Belle and Big Mac had consummated their marriage, she decided to flee from home and start again. (Since Lil’ Cheese and the foal that Sugar and Mac had aren’t too different in age, it only makes sense that Pinkie is pregnant around that time that Sugar had just barely had their foal)... maybe that’s the first thing I clarify in the first edit of the piece :pinkiesmile:.
>>WritingSpirit
As always, your reviews are great! Thank you for the kind words on behalf of the fic. I had no idea that this random shot would strike gold! Knowing the caliber of this idea, I do hope it ends up on Fimfic (funny coincidence, but I think my slots for publishing on Fimfic are beginning to open).
Anyways, onto the meat of the review. I do agree that the scenes at home are detached from when she is in town. Part of the reason is because I didn’t want to jeopardize giving away the plot-twist prematurely. Still though, home and town scenes are as different as night and day, and may need to be connected better.
Not going to lie though, the ending is a little rushed since it I had to pull through on the final stretch the night of. The ending was better than I expected. At first, I was planning to have Pinkie and Marble go into a heated argument, but alas, writing such a scene and controlling the dialogue wasn’t a feat I was ready to handle with little sleep. So, I took a shortcut. Marble is a quiet pony, so if there was something bothering her, she would withdraw from the situation. Having Pinkie let Marble feel her baby brought me to tears as I was writing it, so that part’s definitely a keeper.
I’m surprised that the Rhyolite interaction worked well. I was getting the impression that it was a weak spot in the story, plus I was pushing my luck with hinting at Bornite’s ‘hesitation’ toward a relationship presenting itself. Big point I want to emphasize is that Marble is not necessarily bitter about Big Mac, but she is overly careful about who she lets into her life. She just doesn’t want to hurt again.
There is a lot more I can go over in this, but I better stop. Retro is getting a bit girthy from my ramblings.
All in all, I am very tempted to swipe aside all the projects I have and focus on this one, but as I will say in the final verdict, I’m afraid of killing the golden goose. Sure, I managed to Nat-20 this round, but will I be able to pull it off again?
No, if I’m going to need the help of an editor. I think that Pasco would be a fine fit, but I think I pinged the poor editor enough as it is. Not to mention they have a lot on their plate.
With that, my burning question is do you know of a particular editor that would be able to help me polish this? Or is the original idea the best idea and just contact Pascoite?
>>Final Verdict
Because this was a success on the WO, I kind of want to expand it to a full-length fic on Fimfic, but I fear I’d kill the golden goose if I tried. So, for now, to anyone who is interested, PM on Fimfic or on Discord if you want to see where I plan to take it (or just want to see an update). Lastly, if it works better for anyone, I can set up a Google Doc link in this comment.
Better get some reviews in before the round is over!
Let me tell you, it's quite a boost when you click on pics and find out that your fic has art! Thank you very much! You've made my day even before the scores were posted!
What I like most is the pallid color palate used to create the scene. I'm not sure if it was subliminal, but the colors used are closely related to Bornite's coat and eye colors (maybe looking past the point). Those clouds look massive and ominous and the town seems settled in amidst the storm at their doorstep.
Comes to think of it, I might use this as cover art. It's etiquette, so I will ask permission, "Can I use your art as cover art?"
Let me tell you, it's quite a boost when you click on pics and find out that your fic has art! Thank you very much! You've made my day even before the scores were posted!
What I like most is the pallid color palate used to create the scene. I'm not sure if it was subliminal, but the colors used are closely related to Bornite's coat and eye colors (maybe looking past the point). Those clouds look massive and ominous and the town seems settled in amidst the storm at their doorstep.
Comes to think of it, I might use this as cover art. It's etiquette, so I will ask permission, "Can I use your art as cover art?"
Top tier for the smug look on Prince Blueblood's face- he's got a plan!
I like the small details like the mouse in the picture. Or the ribbing of the sewer tunnels overhead.
One question though. "582 A.B." what is the acronym standing for? It's not a question of consequence, it's just one that has piqued my curiosity.
I like the small details like the mouse in the picture. Or the ribbing of the sewer tunnels overhead.
One question though. "582 A.B." what is the acronym standing for? It's not a question of consequence, it's just one that has piqued my curiosity.
Face masks are a thing of the past! Just stay at home and sleep 2020 away!
Just kidding... don't do that. You've already made it halfway through the year. That is proof you are strong enough.
... I like the symbolism of this piece. A small window of vision; you feel like you are viewing the world from a perspective that you cannot control. Yet, the life you wish to live haunts you in dreams and in visions.
...
I guess my final question is... where can I buy one?
Just kidding... don't do that. You've already made it halfway through the year. That is proof you are strong enough.
... I like the symbolism of this piece. A small window of vision; you feel like you are viewing the world from a perspective that you cannot control. Yet, the life you wish to live haunts you in dreams and in visions.
...
I guess my final question is... where can I buy one?
>>pigeonsmall, >>PinoyPony
Halfway Point
This piece was done with black paper and colored pencils, the same medium as Don't Ask Me. I was trying to capture a bit of the Alpenglow with this one but the pencils just weren't very bright on the dark paper.
>>PinoyPony
You may certainly use it for cover art; sorry for not getting back to you sooner.
Halfway Point
This piece was done with black paper and colored pencils, the same medium as Don't Ask Me. I was trying to capture a bit of the Alpenglow with this one but the pencils just weren't very bright on the dark paper.
>>PinoyPony
You may certainly use it for cover art; sorry for not getting back to you sooner.
>>pigeonsmall, >>PinoyPony
Don't Ask Me Where I Got This
I figured this one would come out on top. Thanks for the positive comments and the medal!
A.B. is supposed to mean After Banishment; after Luna was sent to her moon. That's some vintage gelloe there, but Blooey can be counted upon to know where to get the good stuff.
Don't Ask Me Where I Got This
I figured this one would come out on top. Thanks for the positive comments and the medal!
A.B. is supposed to mean After Banishment; after Luna was sent to her moon. That's some vintage gelloe there, but Blooey can be counted upon to know where to get the good stuff.
>>PinoyPony
Blinkers On
This one was weird. A blindfold isn't really a mask, but in this case it is a reverse mask, showing a world that doesn't exist, or is masked by pastel colors over a starker reality. Thus, it's more of a tangent to the story than art that exemplifies it. In the end, I was just glad to be able to give each story its own art piece.
Blinkers On
This one was weird. A blindfold isn't really a mask, but in this case it is a reverse mask, showing a world that doesn't exist, or is masked by pastel colors over a starker reality. Thus, it's more of a tangent to the story than art that exemplifies it. In the end, I was just glad to be able to give each story its own art piece.