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Skipped down a bit because I had to start everything off with a huge round of applause for
JFC I couldn't even type quote right because I'm laughing so hard and now I have to pee.
And now that that's over, I have to stand alone among the giants here and say that I really liked all of this. The rapid escalation of boredom to prank to rampant crime spree just tickles me pink. Canon is straight-man enough for me in a piece like this, and I think all the jokes land nicely without anything other than the matter-of-fact narration to bounce off. So, good work all in all.
How the heck was I supposed to know what ‘ketamine’ was?I nearly died laughing.
“I’m gonna stab the mayor.”
JFC I couldn't even type quote right because I'm laughing so hard and now I have to pee.
And now that that's over, I have to stand alone among the giants here and say that I really liked all of this. The rapid escalation of boredom to prank to rampant crime spree just tickles me pink. Canon is straight-man enough for me in a piece like this, and I think all the jokes land nicely without anything other than the matter-of-fact narration to bounce off. So, good work all in all.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Bachiavellian
>>Chris
>>Baal Bunny
I thank you all for your constructive feedback and criticism for this piece! I do not have much to say about such feedback because, in hindsight, I feel that it deserves the place it's gotten in the end. It is a shame that it seems like a potentially arresting ending and probably great revelations were marred by everything else, and I do apologize for disappointing you here. I hope I can learn and be better next the time.
On a greater level, I think that there's a common error that runs through all my three entries in the Writeoff so far: being gimmicky, too much focus on a theme or a device that it detracts from the story. In my haste, I was enraptured by the movie Inception and this talk of dreams, and I wanted to incorporate a dream-like tone. Couple that with taking Ot as the Old Testament and bringing along themes relating to Belshazzar and Nebuchadnezzar (because dreams for Nebuchadnezzar), and I ended up with a dreamy and too metaphorical tone that I now see as a bothersome weight to carry. I have also realized that I might be bogging things down with unnecessary worldbuilding details when this isn't supposed to be some kind of history book.
If there is a key thing that I can take away from this story, it's restraint. I've indulged myself too much with much wordplay and imagery to an almost narcissistic level, to the detriment of the poor reader who needs to get hooked to something and, afterwards, must have a smooth experience through the rest of the story; the hooks are too few and far between, the distance increased by said dreamlike tone. In short, I've tried being "the cool guy" to a very bad extent that I end up losing sight of the fact that a story is not exclusively poetry, that it's supposed to take into consideration the reader and not just the writer—something that stories with "simpler" writing tones don't miss in this contest.
On the bright side, I'm glad to have the highest number of shiny icons beside a story and to also have one of the two stories that became the subject of a pic submission.
In the end, it's a much-needed learning experience and also a fun way to get the juices flowing and to interact with other writers and readers! Thank you for this event, thank you all, and see you soon!
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Bachiavellian
>>Chris
>>Baal Bunny
I thank you all for your constructive feedback and criticism for this piece! I do not have much to say about such feedback because, in hindsight, I feel that it deserves the place it's gotten in the end. It is a shame that it seems like a potentially arresting ending and probably great revelations were marred by everything else, and I do apologize for disappointing you here. I hope I can learn and be better next the time.
On a greater level, I think that there's a common error that runs through all my three entries in the Writeoff so far: being gimmicky, too much focus on a theme or a device that it detracts from the story. In my haste, I was enraptured by the movie Inception and this talk of dreams, and I wanted to incorporate a dream-like tone. Couple that with taking Ot as the Old Testament and bringing along themes relating to Belshazzar and Nebuchadnezzar (because dreams for Nebuchadnezzar), and I ended up with a dreamy and too metaphorical tone that I now see as a bothersome weight to carry. I have also realized that I might be bogging things down with unnecessary worldbuilding details when this isn't supposed to be some kind of history book.
If there is a key thing that I can take away from this story, it's restraint. I've indulged myself too much with much wordplay and imagery to an almost narcissistic level, to the detriment of the poor reader who needs to get hooked to something and, afterwards, must have a smooth experience through the rest of the story; the hooks are too few and far between, the distance increased by said dreamlike tone. In short, I've tried being "the cool guy" to a very bad extent that I end up losing sight of the fact that a story is not exclusively poetry, that it's supposed to take into consideration the reader and not just the writer—something that stories with "simpler" writing tones don't miss in this contest.
On the bright side, I'm glad to have the highest number of shiny icons beside a story and to also have one of the two stories that became the subject of a pic submission.
In the end, it's a much-needed learning experience and also a fun way to get the juices flowing and to interact with other writers and readers! Thank you for this event, thank you all, and see you soon!
>>Chris >>Meridian_Prime >>Bachiavellian >>Baal Bunny >>Comma Typer
I'd say that went well. Mostly. I only got the idea for this on the last day of the submission period, hence the relative lack of polish, but I'm glad to see it got a generally positive reception. I'm getting some mixed signals from the comments, especially regarding the opening scene, but I think I see what I need to do to get this ready for primetime.
As for the content itself, I eventually settled on that ancient map of the known world (which is admittedly more often known as a T & O map rather than the other way around,) and antiquity implies Daring Do. Incorporating the map into an artifact was a no-brainer. But then what?
Well, Daballeron's grown on me in the wake of "Daring Doubt," and even more so after Liquid Truth's Daring Do and the Fidget Spinner. With that story in mind, I worked in the ambiguity and uncertainty of Ot as well. How better to do so than Daring confronting something that no amount of scouring ancient texts can help with? Or, more accurately, Caballeron making her confront it rather than trying ot pretend everything is normal and familiar and as safe as dynamic archeology can be. (He's the one who works with a group more often. Even if they're minions, he's going to be the more socially aware one.)
So yeah, I'm quite happy with this. Thanks to everyone who got the word out about this round.
I'd say that went well. Mostly. I only got the idea for this on the last day of the submission period, hence the relative lack of polish, but I'm glad to see it got a generally positive reception. I'm getting some mixed signals from the comments, especially regarding the opening scene, but I think I see what I need to do to get this ready for primetime.
As for the content itself, I eventually settled on that ancient map of the known world (which is admittedly more often known as a T & O map rather than the other way around,) and antiquity implies Daring Do. Incorporating the map into an artifact was a no-brainer. But then what?
Well, Daballeron's grown on me in the wake of "Daring Doubt," and even more so after Liquid Truth's Daring Do and the Fidget Spinner. With that story in mind, I worked in the ambiguity and uncertainty of Ot as well. How better to do so than Daring confronting something that no amount of scouring ancient texts can help with? Or, more accurately, Caballeron making her confront it rather than trying ot pretend everything is normal and familiar and as safe as dynamic archeology can be. (He's the one who works with a group more often. Even if they're minions, he's going to be the more socially aware one.)
So yeah, I'm quite happy with this. Thanks to everyone who got the word out about this round.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Chris
>>Comma Typer
>>Bachiavellian
Thanks, folks:
And congrats to our medalists! Who'd've thought we'd live to see an actual Ot round?
I had no intention of entering the round at all, but this title came to me Friday morning, and I had no choice but to run with it even though I really only had Friday and Saturday to work on it. There's a nice skeleton here, I'm convinced, and a little work can probably turn it into a good, solid piece of fun.
Mike
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Chris
>>Comma Typer
>>Bachiavellian
Thanks, folks:
And congrats to our medalists! Who'd've thought we'd live to see an actual Ot round?
I had no intention of entering the round at all, but this title came to me Friday morning, and I had no choice but to run with it even though I really only had Friday and Saturday to work on it. There's a nice skeleton here, I'm convinced, and a little work can probably turn it into a good, solid piece of fun.
Mike
I am impressed with how that's actually Ot but written as a person. It also goes to imply that the writer of the attached story just went up, done away with canon, and decided to go crazy with the characters' characterizations.
For being based on a parody of Christian songs, the alt-text comes off as gut-wrenching.
As for the picture itself: the chalkiness of the drawing gives it a dark feel; also makes the skeletons look like they're trapped in an archaeological dig in a museum. The (most likely computer-generated) smooth gradient only makes the gritty chalkiness stand out more, especially considering the fate of Twilight in the story.
To be honest, though, it feels very nice to have one's story be chosen as a subject for a pic, especially when there's only two pic submissions in. So, for both the picture itself and for it being related to my own story, thank you!
As for the picture itself: the chalkiness of the drawing gives it a dark feel; also makes the skeletons look like they're trapped in an archaeological dig in a museum. The (most likely computer-generated) smooth gradient only makes the gritty chalkiness stand out more, especially considering the fate of Twilight in the story.
To be honest, though, it feels very nice to have one's story be chosen as a subject for a pic, especially when there's only two pic submissions in. So, for both the picture itself and for it being related to my own story, thank you!
I like the simplicity, here. It immediately captures the flippant mood of the story it's based on, and conveys its visual information quickly. Which almost redeems it from the fact that this is a dad-pun in visual form. :P
Thanks for arting!
Thanks for arting!
I really like the shading work you did on Twilight's body. It really helps cement the contrast between the light and shadow portions of the piece. Overall, the entire concept of this is really inspired, and visually it makes an impression very quickly.
Just a couple of nitpicks: I kind of ended up thinking that there ought to be some of the black shadow behind Twi's forward hoof, given the angle of the light. And as an entirely personal-taste suggestion, I think it might have been cool if some of the skeletons behind her were overlapping and cut off by the border between light and dark, just to increase that contrast a little more.
But really, I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to art, and this is good. :)
Thanks for arting!
Just a couple of nitpicks: I kind of ended up thinking that there ought to be some of the black shadow behind Twi's forward hoof, given the angle of the light. And as an entirely personal-taste suggestion, I think it might have been cool if some of the skeletons behind her were overlapping and cut off by the border between light and dark, just to increase that contrast a little more.
But really, I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to art, and this is good. :)
Thanks for arting!
I like the general composition of the piece, though I'm not sure the details feel like they're all pulling in the same direction.
The chalkiness of the figures is perfect for the skeletons, but it makes Twilight's figure feel off in a way I'm finding hard to articulate. The shadow she casts is super stark and dynamic, but then it contrasts with the soft gradient of the sunbeams in a way that makes them seem … off? Googling pictures of sunbeams, there's sort of a combination of hard and soft edges which create an interplay between light and shadow rather than just colors; I think something like that would have really enhanced the effect of Twilight's stark shadow rather than creating a sort of three-focused piece with black and blue and yellow.
I wonder if it would have worked better having a more defined, sharp-edged Twilight facing the light and then losing definition as she fades into the shadow. And while the skeletons are a pretty visually compelling component, perhaps darkening them some so that there was more a sense of subtle ghosts in the shadows.
Regardless, a thought-provoking piece. Thank you for arting, *cough* unknown mystery artist!
The chalkiness of the figures is perfect for the skeletons, but it makes Twilight's figure feel off in a way I'm finding hard to articulate. The shadow she casts is super stark and dynamic, but then it contrasts with the soft gradient of the sunbeams in a way that makes them seem … off? Googling pictures of sunbeams, there's sort of a combination of hard and soft edges which create an interplay between light and shadow rather than just colors; I think something like that would have really enhanced the effect of Twilight's stark shadow rather than creating a sort of three-focused piece with black and blue and yellow.
I wonder if it would have worked better having a more defined, sharp-edged Twilight facing the light and then losing definition as she fades into the shadow. And while the skeletons are a pretty visually compelling component, perhaps darkening them some so that there was more a sense of subtle ghosts in the shadows.
Regardless, a thought-provoking piece. Thank you for arting, *cough* unknown mystery artist!
For all that this took just a few minutes to put together, I really love the effect. It feels like such a great thematic encapsulation of the round -- not just in making art out of The Word, but also in the letsdothis.jpg shrug response, plowing forward despite the trollishness of the prompt. And the execution is so clean! The joke is immediately obvious, but no worse for it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
> What is Ot?
An indifferent shrug in an uncaring universe.
>>FanOfMostEverything
> What is Ot?
An indifferent shrug in an uncaring universe.
>>Meridian_Prime
As whoever the heck this is said, this was a deeply unpolished effort, and looking back I can't help but feel it deserves its tenth place placement in this round.
It's not terrible - I've definitely written worse - but it's got a lot of flaws, and there were some strong entries this round. Mostly, this comes down to a lack of time: I know we had plenty of it to write, but I ended up being super busy for most of that period. Most of this was written in the five hours leading up to the deadline, and I think it shows. The other big reason, one which was exacerbated by the time issue, is the fact that the whole thing is in first person. Confession time: this is a first for me! I'm definitely way more comfortable writing from the perspective of a narrator, that good ol' third person omniscient, and even as I was writing this there were so many points where I just thought 'damn, I don't know how to make this work from Scoot's pov'. Or worse, 'I don't know what the heck I'm doing writing from Scoot's POV'.
Anyway.
>>FanOfMostEverything
This is totally fair. On re-reading, the tonal dissonance between the bits of Scoot's writing where I succeeded in capturing the voice I wanted to capture and the bits where I... didn't, is huge. Basically, to answer the things you specifically highlighted: this story was supposed to be a heck of a lot darker than I think it actually ended up being. The Crusaders deliberately targeted Diamond Tiara in this because in this version of the MLP universe, the Crusaders are kind of assholes. Hence why, as glossed over by Scootaloo, Featherweight has an actual restraining order against them.
I've already mentioned that Scoot's diction is just literally me slipping through the cracks, but for Rainbow Dash, well. I think I did a decent job of setting up Scootaloo as not the brightest carrot in the patch, and I was going for that Awkward Dad Energy with Rainbow. I thought contrasting that with Scootaloo thinking she was kind of lame with Rainbow being all worried about being a good role model (and completely missing the Very Obvious Shadiness) would be funny. I don't think my execution was wonderful (again, super rushed) and frankly the humour may just not have landed for you, which is fine. Comedy is subjective.
Last but not least: I attempted to oblique references to the prompt. First, Sweetie Belle mentions that Rarity has gone to Manehatten for "a queue patient's ill terror pee" which is a mangling of "occupational therapy". Second, a barely there gag which I didn't even fully write out about Cheerilee wailing about overtime. It was supposed to be something along the lines of 'no overtime is worth this!'
...Yeah, not my finest effort overall.
>>Chris
Carrot Top's presence was indeed something of a tip of the hat. I swear her getting stabbed was not meant as any kind of message. ^^;
There's a lot here, and it's all on point. I'm glad you thought there were some funny parts - honestly, as long as this story (in this state) managed to deliver some laughs I'm happy. But yes, Scootaloo has a looot of tonal dissonance (in my defence I purposefully made sure there was precisely one instance of an f-bomb and I'm pretty sure it was justified in the circumstances - but yes, my own ridiculously-proper-received-pronounciation english came through a wee bit strong) and man I buggered up the setting (I can't believe I missed something that obvious). And last but not least, I had a lot of trouble with the tone/level of sanity for the characters. I think a lot of that I can trace back to trying to write in first person - I was going for a still-obviously-childlike and therefore very troubling brand of psychopathy, which I think would have worked a tad better with a narrator. But then I've basically written that story before - it's still up on my fimfic account. (¬_¬)
This is what I should have done. I can put down some of it down to trying to crunch everything at the last minute, but some of it is just me being a derp.
Anyway - thank you for an incredibly in depth, insightful, and helpful little review. You nailed a lot of problems with this piece, and gave me some hope that I can rescue it.
>>Baal Bunny
Yeeeeep. Should have gone all in on that tone - worked in those original plans to have Cheerilee as a former violent offender, Applejack as a small townl mafia boss, and Twilight Sparkle as your local friendly Doctor Mengele, who is definitely not burying atest subject body no siree.
>>Comma Typer
"Know the fish. Be the fish.
More seriously: yes, this needs some proofreading. It's a disjointed rambling mess and if I ever actually publish it (honestly, kind of unlikely) it'll be with some serious work done.
So this was intended to be a call back to Ruby Pinch essentially being a pint-sized godfather, and basically: Scootaloo asked Ruby to hide her from AJ's wrath, who did so (by stashing her in her house, where she tells this story to a passed out Berry Punch) in exchange for Scootaloo promising her a kidney. Scoots agrees, thinking she's referring to kidney beans because, as previously mentioned in the story, she's not too good at Biology.
Yep! That was my (very oblique) attempt to match this to the prompt, and I'm glad someone spotted it! I was also going for the classic "ket is for horses" meme, so it all tied in nicely.
Thank you! I really was going for that 'steadily increasing insanity' feeling for this one, so I'm glad that at least came across. Thank you for the feedback, I really do appreciate it.
>>Bachiavellian
Wow! I feel like the super-stylised tone really didn't land for most people, so I'm glad you liked it so much. I'm also glad you liked my crusader descriptions, I was pretty proud of those - I think if I'd managed to maintain the quality of the first bit of the story throughout this would have been a stronger entry, but alas.
Comedy is subjective. If it's not your cup of tea, it's not your cup of tea, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just appreciate that you took the time to outline what you liked and didn't! In terms of a lack of straight man - you may have a point. Honestly, there was never meant to be a straight man (other than possibly an expanded version of Carrot Top) - the sheer craziness is kind of the point. But I know that doesn't work for everyone - and regardless, both the unfamiliar territory of first person and the rushed second half/two-thirds really tripped me up at the finish line I think. All that aside, thank you for reading and reviewing. It's always appreciated.
>>Rao
And the nicest comment is saved for last - thank you! I personally think this entry was pretty flawed in the end, mostly due to a lack of experience with first person and the simple fact that I rushed it. But a comedy succeeds if it makes people laugh, and so thank you for reading and therefore ensuring that this succeeded.
Also I'm really glad you liked the 'ketamine' and 'stab the mayor' lines. They were some of my favourites. ^_^
As whoever the heck this is said, this was a deeply unpolished effort, and looking back I can't help but feel it deserves its tenth place placement in this round.
It's not terrible - I've definitely written worse - but it's got a lot of flaws, and there were some strong entries this round. Mostly, this comes down to a lack of time: I know we had plenty of it to write, but I ended up being super busy for most of that period. Most of this was written in the five hours leading up to the deadline, and I think it shows. The other big reason, one which was exacerbated by the time issue, is the fact that the whole thing is in first person. Confession time: this is a first for me! I'm definitely way more comfortable writing from the perspective of a narrator, that good ol' third person omniscient, and even as I was writing this there were so many points where I just thought 'damn, I don't know how to make this work from Scoot's pov'. Or worse, 'I don't know what the heck I'm doing writing from Scoot's POV'.
Anyway.
>>FanOfMostEverything
This is totally fair. On re-reading, the tonal dissonance between the bits of Scoot's writing where I succeeded in capturing the voice I wanted to capture and the bits where I... didn't, is huge. Basically, to answer the things you specifically highlighted: this story was supposed to be a heck of a lot darker than I think it actually ended up being. The Crusaders deliberately targeted Diamond Tiara in this because in this version of the MLP universe, the Crusaders are kind of assholes. Hence why, as glossed over by Scootaloo, Featherweight has an actual restraining order against them.
I've already mentioned that Scoot's diction is just literally me slipping through the cracks, but for Rainbow Dash, well. I think I did a decent job of setting up Scootaloo as not the brightest carrot in the patch, and I was going for that Awkward Dad Energy with Rainbow. I thought contrasting that with Scootaloo thinking she was kind of lame with Rainbow being all worried about being a good role model (and completely missing the Very Obvious Shadiness) would be funny. I don't think my execution was wonderful (again, super rushed) and frankly the humour may just not have landed for you, which is fine. Comedy is subjective.
Last but not least: I attempted to oblique references to the prompt. First, Sweetie Belle mentions that Rarity has gone to Manehatten for "a queue patient's ill terror pee" which is a mangling of "occupational therapy". Second, a barely there gag which I didn't even fully write out about Cheerilee wailing about overtime. It was supposed to be something along the lines of 'no overtime is worth this!'
...Yeah, not my finest effort overall.
>>Chris
Carrot Top's presence was indeed something of a tip of the hat. I swear her getting stabbed was not meant as any kind of message. ^^;
There are laugh-out-loud moments here, and I'm generally inclined to judge a comedy by its highs rather than its lows. But everything here feels tonally disjointed. From language (Scootaloo apparently has the voice of a dapper englishmare, except when she's dropping f-bombs) to setting (if you're going to make a joke about how nobody at the market notices a bunch of screaming and an alcohol fire ten feet away from them, best not to undermine it by making the impassibility of the market a plot point right afterwards) to level of psychopathy (which vacillates from "kids are dumb" to "these are actual literal psychopaths")... I'm just wishing this story would pick a lane and ride it.
There's a lot here, and it's all on point. I'm glad you thought there were some funny parts - honestly, as long as this story (in this state) managed to deliver some laughs I'm happy. But yes, Scootaloo has a looot of tonal dissonance (in my defence I purposefully made sure there was precisely one instance of an f-bomb and I'm pretty sure it was justified in the circumstances - but yes, my own ridiculously-proper-received-pronounciation english came through a wee bit strong) and man I buggered up the setting (I can't believe I missed something that obvious). And last but not least, I had a lot of trouble with the tone/level of sanity for the characters. I think a lot of that I can trace back to trying to write in first person - I was going for a still-obviously-childlike and therefore very troubling brand of psychopathy, which I think would have worked a tad better with a narrator. But then I've basically written that story before - it's still up on my fimfic account. (¬_¬)
Right now, it feels like you've got a brutal dark comedy in mind, but you're continually undermining it to try to make it feel more FiM-ish. And the effect is neither rather than both. If you want to go full dark, go full dark. Make no apologies, punch me in the face from the word go, let me know "this is a completely brutal story that uses a few canon personalities to poke fun at an edgefest," and dare me not to go along with it!
This is what I should have done. I can put down some of it down to trying to crunch everything at the last minute, but some of it is just me being a derp.
Anyway - thank you for an incredibly in depth, insightful, and helpful little review. You nailed a lot of problems with this piece, and gave me some hope that I can rescue it.
>>Baal Bunny
Yeeeeep. Should have gone all in on that tone - worked in those original plans to have Cheerilee as a former violent offender, Applejack as a small townl mafia boss, and Twilight Sparkle as your local friendly Doctor Mengele, who is definitely not burying a
>>Comma Typer
In which Sweetie Belle blends in with the fish.
"Know the fish. Be the fish.
More seriously: yes, this needs some proofreading. It's a disjointed rambling mess and if I ever actually publish it (honestly, kind of unlikely) it'll be with some serious work done.
What does a bean and a kidney have to do with Ruby Pinch and Scootaloo trying to run away from Applejack?
So this was intended to be a call back to Ruby Pinch essentially being a pint-sized godfather, and basically: Scootaloo asked Ruby to hide her from AJ's wrath, who did so (by stashing her in her house, where she tells this story to a passed out Berry Punch) in exchange for Scootaloo promising her a kidney. Scoots agrees, thinking she's referring to kidney beans because, as previously mentioned in the story, she's not too good at Biology.
Oh. I just answered my own question just now, huh?
Yep! That was my (very oblique) attempt to match this to the prompt, and I'm glad someone spotted it! I was also going for the classic "ket is for horses" meme, so it all tied in nicely.
this is a very blunt and very straightforward comedy piece. Black comedy, to be precise. It's interesting that it's not just straightforward: the rather long-winded tone of Scootaloo somehow makes all the raw surprises here all fun and good to the point that, for some reason, some of the errors just fit with how, for lack of a better term, broken the story becomes as it gets into the end with the depravity and insanity levels rising.
Thank you! I really was going for that 'steadily increasing insanity' feeling for this one, so I'm glad that at least came across. Thank you for the feedback, I really do appreciate it.
>>Bachiavellian
I really like the super stylized first person narration here. It's got a nice noir-y parody flavor to it that really does a good job of setting up tone and reader expectations from the get-go. I personally think the best jokes are the over-the-top descriptions that Scootaloo gives of her fellow Crusaders and each new character as they come in.
Wow! I feel like the super-stylised tone really didn't land for most people, so I'm glad you liked it so much. I'm also glad you liked my crusader descriptions, I was pretty proud of those - I think if I'd managed to maintain the quality of the first bit of the story throughout this would have been a stronger entry, but alas.
Now, I'm going to be honest and say that not a lot of the jokes landed with me in the end. That's not as condemning a statement as that sounds, though, since I frankly have a pretty odd track record when it comes down to disagreeing with other reviewers about comedies. I don't write a lot of humor in general, but if I were to hazard a guess as to why these jokes aren't doing it for me, I'd say that maybe it's because there's not much of a contrast for the ridiculousness to play off of. I don't want to say that this needs a straight-man role (because character deconstruction comedies rarely need one), but there might be some other way to keep the reader from becoming desensitized to the sheer craziness that's happening.
So in the end, this didn't really end up being my personal cup of tea, but I do think that it does do a bunch of things right. I'm not entirely sure why this didn't work for me, so I'll just let you take my reaction as a data point.
Thanks for entering!
Comedy is subjective. If it's not your cup of tea, it's not your cup of tea, and there's nothing wrong with that. I just appreciate that you took the time to outline what you liked and didn't! In terms of a lack of straight man - you may have a point. Honestly, there was never meant to be a straight man (other than possibly an expanded version of Carrot Top) - the sheer craziness is kind of the point. But I know that doesn't work for everyone - and regardless, both the unfamiliar territory of first person and the rushed second half/two-thirds really tripped me up at the finish line I think. All that aside, thank you for reading and reviewing. It's always appreciated.
>>Rao
And the nicest comment is saved for last - thank you! I personally think this entry was pretty flawed in the end, mostly due to a lack of experience with first person and the simple fact that I rushed it. But a comedy succeeds if it makes people laugh, and so thank you for reading and therefore ensuring that this succeeded.
Also I'm really glad you liked the 'ketamine' and 'stab the mayor' lines. They were some of my favourites. ^_^
>>Meridian_Prime
Oh, thank goodness, it was meant as Awkward Dad Energy. It came across as "You 18 yet?" energy when I read it.
Oh, thank goodness, it was meant as Awkward Dad Energy. It came across as "You 18 yet?" energy when I read it.
>>FanOfMostEverything
o_o
That is what I was actively trying to avoid.
Darn it all. She's supposed to be the trying-but-doesn't-know-what-she's-doing-stepdad archetype.
o_o
That is what I was actively trying to avoid.
Darn it all. She's supposed to be the trying-but-doesn't-know-what-she's-doing-stepdad archetype.
Feels pretty good to participate in my first Writeoff in a year — literally; the contest dates were 3/10/19 and 3/10/20 — and walk away with a story enjoyable enough for a medal. Congratulations also go out to FOME and Chris, and to everyone who poticipated!
Wotchmen: The RetrOtspective
So, a little general explanation for the overall craziness here. For about two years now I've been playing in a tabletop RPG campaign about the pan-dimensional adventures of a super-high-powered superhero team. It's an episodic, ensemble-cast game that's given me a number of vastly memorable characters, and it's really been getting me itching to write it down as original fiction. The setting of the game is one of those insane mash-up universes where every setting of every fictional story is itself, somewhere, real — yes, including MLP — and humanity (the United Earth Government) breached the dimensional gates, got magic and future tech and superpowers and the whole sausage, and catapulted themselves into a sudden stellar empire whose most competent heroes run around saving the universe from one Outside Context Problem after another. On one level it's blatant wish fulfillment fanfic with the power limiters removed, absolutely, but the game acknowledges the tropes it runs on and turns it into a living comic book that keeps me fascinated week after week.
So: This story is about 40% straight up stolen from the campaign, with the serial numbers heavily filed off.
Apocalyptica is actually one of my active PCs — she goes by "Allie" in the game, though I like >>Chris's "Polly" so damn much I might have to steal and retcon it — and in the game she indeed is the machine goddess of a new church of friendship and occasionally goes off-roster with her church to tackle friendship problems on her own. "Ot" was created from scratch for this story, but the power level of the campaign is so high that the PCs have definitely dealt with their share of eldritch beings threatening all of reality, including abstract memetic essences much like the story's. (Hell, they've got some on the team — one of my other characters, Talos, is a text elemental, aka a Platonic essence of communication.)
The self-aware "tier lists" is an in-universe thing since it's a universe of superheroes of widely varying capabilities; C- and B-tier heroes deal with local and regional problems, A-tier heroes deal with worldwide crises, and S-tier heroes likeCrashing Heavens The Rangers are the big guns called in when the biggest threats emerge. Mikhail is kind of a mash-up of two superheroes, Sergei and Ivan, on the team's roster (one NPC and one a friend's PC). Colt Peacemaker was made up for this, but the name "Colt Peacemaker" is actually swiped from the game as well; Allie — an avowed pacifist — went through some very difficult training where one of her mentors tried to force her to come to terms with her still-extant lethal capabilities, and she figured out how to unleash her dark side while selectively breaking physics so she could strike with overwhelming force as non-permanent "cartoon damage".
(Incidentally, now that I've written this story based on the campaign, there's been bleedthrough in both directions. Late last year, I developed Regina from Three-Card Shuffle into the newest superhero on my roster — setting the events of that story well in her past, and having her come on board as a high A-tier superhero turning to the S-tiers for help with a problem she couldn't solve alone. She reinvented herself in the process, and joined the team under a new identity — which has led to one of the game's current character-driven plotlines, an awkward love triangle between herself, her husband, and herself.)
The "metastable frontier" and the war beyond the limits of reality are made up for this story, because they were both simpler and less fanfic-ey than their inspiration. All of the B-tier heroes were made up on the spot; the ponies were inserted because … well, pony round. >>Bachiavellian isn't wrong to note that the ponies feel superfluous, because I kind of wedged them in; I tried to make them more relevant with some of the B plots like Church involvement and the love triangle, but just plum ran out of room.
As Chris guessed, I ran out of room in general. Beyond the plotlines I didn't get to fully develop — digging deeper into that love triangle, for one, along with Liam's history and his turning away from a superhero career — I had to leave out the entire epilogue scene. Apocalyptica leaves for the metastable frontier, and Techtician and Colt Peacemaker get a new teammate in their fight against crime — the new Liam, living with a supercomputer in his head that has helped him reshape his body into something much more formidable.
>>Baal Bunny
He's a prostitute. The scene where we meet him was him plying his trade, in an encounter gone horribly wrong.
>>Rao
Yeah, that was just a random piece of ascended background worldbuilding: this is set on a far distant world from Earth, out on the metastable frontier (hence ponies running around rubbing shoulders with the humans, and aliens nipping by for visits), and it's been long enough since settling the frontier that names saying "hey, I was born there actually" are a thing.
Tagging in everyone I haven't responded to yet, because I do have a question for the room:
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Meridian_Prime >>Comma Typer
I was trying to walk a fine line with the story — building up a very big universe from a cold start, but doing so without getting bogged down in exposition. From the general commentary, it seems like I overcorrected; pretty much everyone said that it took them time and/or re-reading to get oriented to what the heck was happening.
What were the setting details that clicked for you later on, or that you had to piece together on your own, which you wish you had known from the beginning? In other words, what would I need to work into the first scene or two (or an earlier prologue) in order to give readers a softer landing in the story?
What assumptions did you have to unmake that I might give readers a little better help in breaking up front?
I really wouldn't mind getting this cleaned up for FIMFiction publication, if only because I think I've got PLENTY of stories in this setting and this could serve as a useful bridge out from pony to original fiction. But if I do I'm going to want to provide a much cleaner start.
Thank you!
Wotchmen: The RetrOtspective
So, a little general explanation for the overall craziness here. For about two years now I've been playing in a tabletop RPG campaign about the pan-dimensional adventures of a super-high-powered superhero team. It's an episodic, ensemble-cast game that's given me a number of vastly memorable characters, and it's really been getting me itching to write it down as original fiction. The setting of the game is one of those insane mash-up universes where every setting of every fictional story is itself, somewhere, real — yes, including MLP — and humanity (the United Earth Government) breached the dimensional gates, got magic and future tech and superpowers and the whole sausage, and catapulted themselves into a sudden stellar empire whose most competent heroes run around saving the universe from one Outside Context Problem after another. On one level it's blatant wish fulfillment fanfic with the power limiters removed, absolutely, but the game acknowledges the tropes it runs on and turns it into a living comic book that keeps me fascinated week after week.
So: This story is about 40% straight up stolen from the campaign, with the serial numbers heavily filed off.
Apocalyptica is actually one of my active PCs — she goes by "Allie" in the game, though I like >>Chris's "Polly" so damn much I might have to steal and retcon it — and in the game she indeed is the machine goddess of a new church of friendship and occasionally goes off-roster with her church to tackle friendship problems on her own. "Ot" was created from scratch for this story, but the power level of the campaign is so high that the PCs have definitely dealt with their share of eldritch beings threatening all of reality, including abstract memetic essences much like the story's. (Hell, they've got some on the team — one of my other characters, Talos, is a text elemental, aka a Platonic essence of communication.)
The self-aware "tier lists" is an in-universe thing since it's a universe of superheroes of widely varying capabilities; C- and B-tier heroes deal with local and regional problems, A-tier heroes deal with worldwide crises, and S-tier heroes like
(Incidentally, now that I've written this story based on the campaign, there's been bleedthrough in both directions. Late last year, I developed Regina from Three-Card Shuffle into the newest superhero on my roster — setting the events of that story well in her past, and having her come on board as a high A-tier superhero turning to the S-tiers for help with a problem she couldn't solve alone. She reinvented herself in the process, and joined the team under a new identity — which has led to one of the game's current character-driven plotlines, an awkward love triangle between herself, her husband, and herself.)
The "metastable frontier" and the war beyond the limits of reality are made up for this story, because they were both simpler and less fanfic-ey than their inspiration. All of the B-tier heroes were made up on the spot; the ponies were inserted because … well, pony round. >>Bachiavellian isn't wrong to note that the ponies feel superfluous, because I kind of wedged them in; I tried to make them more relevant with some of the B plots like Church involvement and the love triangle, but just plum ran out of room.
As Chris guessed, I ran out of room in general. Beyond the plotlines I didn't get to fully develop — digging deeper into that love triangle, for one, along with Liam's history and his turning away from a superhero career — I had to leave out the entire epilogue scene. Apocalyptica leaves for the metastable frontier, and Techtician and Colt Peacemaker get a new teammate in their fight against crime — the new Liam, living with a supercomputer in his head that has helped him reshape his body into something much more formidable.
>>Baal Bunny
we have Liam, Thunderlane's ex and Braeburn's current flame, who could be a superhero but insists on doing something that gets him arrested instead? What that something is, though, I couldn't figure out.
He's a prostitute. The scene where we meet him was him plying his trade, in an encounter gone horribly wrong.
>>Rao
Also Liam's name is Earthson and that's pretty rad.
Yeah, that was just a random piece of ascended background worldbuilding: this is set on a far distant world from Earth, out on the metastable frontier (hence ponies running around rubbing shoulders with the humans, and aliens nipping by for visits), and it's been long enough since settling the frontier that names saying "hey, I was born there actually" are a thing.
Tagging in everyone I haven't responded to yet, because I do have a question for the room:
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Meridian_Prime >>Comma Typer
I was trying to walk a fine line with the story — building up a very big universe from a cold start, but doing so without getting bogged down in exposition. From the general commentary, it seems like I overcorrected; pretty much everyone said that it took them time and/or re-reading to get oriented to what the heck was happening.
What were the setting details that clicked for you later on, or that you had to piece together on your own, which you wish you had known from the beginning? In other words, what would I need to work into the first scene or two (or an earlier prologue) in order to give readers a softer landing in the story?
What assumptions did you have to unmake that I might give readers a little better help in breaking up front?
I really wouldn't mind getting this cleaned up for FIMFiction publication, if only because I think I've got PLENTY of stories in this setting and this could serve as a useful bridge out from pony to original fiction. But if I do I'm going to want to provide a much cleaner start.
Thank you!
>>horizon
To be honest, I didn't face much of a problem with the beginning details at all. As I've said in my first comment here, I just imagined up the missing details or otherwise the things I didn't get. Though, to be honest, this is because I am just plain ol' illiterate when it comes to conventional sci-fi, so, in a way, I got the story's setting precisely by not getting it, if you know what I mean. I realized I didn't understand much nor should I understand it much to enjoy the story. I just rolled with it.
So, really, I disagree with the questions themselves because the mystery oozing out of the first few parts of the story (like, subliminal jolts from messaging apps? A chat-style piece of dialogue? This takes place in the future? Stella Yan is surely not a pony, but this Colt Peacemaker sure is; I'd like to see him very soon!). Why? Because the mystery was part of the hook.
Perhaps, in hindsight, room for improvement would actually be a bit further in: the sudden introduction of Liam Earthson. There's been no reference to this guy previously, and in a world with much original flavor and admittedly not much pony to it, throwing one more new guy that (seemingly) doesn't have anything to do with the characters introduced beforehand could be too much new stuff too fast for a reader who needs to be smoothly eased into the story's world and its characters. As is, Liam Earthson's intro came off as one introductory explosion too many. This could be alleviated by, say, Stella seeing some deep web user mining out a conversation between Liam Earthson and Emily with the "What is ot?" question in there and then we cut to Liam Earthson's P.O.V. as he is in surprise at "Emily's" words.
I may be the outlier here, but, again, I just rolled with the setting. My lack of literary sci-fi experience meant that I had no assumptions to make.
Also, thank you for this great story! Despite the shortcomings pointed out here and by others, it really deserved its place here, especially so in this lifetime Ot event. Have a good job with your writing endeavors! :)
What were the setting details that clicked for you later on, or that you had to piece together on your own, which you wish you had known from the beginning? In other words, what would I need to work into the first scene or two (or an earlier prologue) in order to give readers a softer landing in the story?
To be honest, I didn't face much of a problem with the beginning details at all. As I've said in my first comment here, I just imagined up the missing details or otherwise the things I didn't get. Though, to be honest, this is because I am just plain ol' illiterate when it comes to conventional sci-fi, so, in a way, I got the story's setting precisely by not getting it, if you know what I mean. I realized I didn't understand much nor should I understand it much to enjoy the story. I just rolled with it.
So, really, I disagree with the questions themselves because the mystery oozing out of the first few parts of the story (like, subliminal jolts from messaging apps? A chat-style piece of dialogue? This takes place in the future? Stella Yan is surely not a pony, but this Colt Peacemaker sure is; I'd like to see him very soon!). Why? Because the mystery was part of the hook.
Perhaps, in hindsight, room for improvement would actually be a bit further in: the sudden introduction of Liam Earthson. There's been no reference to this guy previously, and in a world with much original flavor and admittedly not much pony to it, throwing one more new guy that (seemingly) doesn't have anything to do with the characters introduced beforehand could be too much new stuff too fast for a reader who needs to be smoothly eased into the story's world and its characters. As is, Liam Earthson's intro came off as one introductory explosion too many. This could be alleviated by, say, Stella seeing some deep web user mining out a conversation between Liam Earthson and Emily with the "What is ot?" question in there and then we cut to Liam Earthson's P.O.V. as he is in surprise at "Emily's" words.
What assumptions did you have to unmake that I might give readers a little better help in breaking up front?
I may be the outlier here, but, again, I just rolled with the setting. My lack of literary sci-fi experience meant that I had no assumptions to make.
Also, thank you for this great story! Despite the shortcomings pointed out here and by others, it really deserved its place here, especially so in this lifetime Ot event. Have a good job with your writing endeavors! :)
The Circle and the Cross Retrospective
Hey, so, I've been meaning to do this for almost a week, but despite the Coronavirus closing everything, I've been kept really busy with my work. Turns out that when you're a teacher and your school's not set up for e-learning, a sudden shift to "actually, why don't you all go figure out how to teach your classes online now, kay?" comes with some hiccups. Who knew?
Anyway, this story! I actually started with a completely different idea for this event, but after I wrote 3000-odd words of it and slept on it, I realized it was a wandering, pointless thing, and started over. My second idea I got about 1200 words into before I came to the sad conclusion that I had kind of a fun gimmick, but not actually a story. So I trashed that, too.
This was attempt number three.
As I said in my dummy review, I felt like the biggest weakness here was that it was a x-is-a-changeling fic, at its core: Rarity isn't a pony, reveals she isn't a pony, her friends are some degree of welcoming/understanding, the end. The fact that there's a 5000-word bait-and-switch at the start, where it looks like the mystery is something else entirely, doesn't really change that fact, IMO. Still, lots of people like those stories, even if they have been done to death! Maybe that's something. I dunno, I'm honestly still deciding how I feel about this fic. If nothing else, it was fun to write Rarity this way (even if I didn't nail her voice everywhere), and to see how much I could cover up with her narrative style.
On to specific replies:
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you! Nice to hear that landed.
>>Baal Bunny
I had the idea when I was writing this story that the protagonist's identity could be a sort of "opening mystery" to get the reader drawn in. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm not seeing a lot of value to that, though, so... yeah, you're right. I'll make it clear earlier if I put this on FiMFic, or if nothing else, use the story's description to give the reader that much.
>>Chris
ur dum :P
>>Comma Typer
Glad you liked it! Very glad you and others didn't think the distractions were too cheap; I was worried about that, but it sounds like I hit a reasonably good balance.
>>Bachiavellian
See, these were the kind of concerns I was expecting more of in the reviews. I agree that the core of this fic isn't particularly original, but the big problem I'm beating my head against is that the things you're suggesting to build out (how this works logically, family relations, etc.) lean into the least original parts of the story! So I'm worried that following those threads just makes this more of an x-is-a-changeling fic, if you get me. I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. Glad you mostly liked the narration though, and if I find a way to beat this into shape, I'll definitely be cognizant of the blocks of description!
>>Rao
If you really want to know who: the rest are all ponies. The flash is Twilight casting a disintegration spell on the evil monster, and the fic ends with Rarity's death, the last thing she ever sees a flash of light from Twilight's horn.
Okay, that's probably not it. Glad I could get your juices flowing, though, and thanks for the comments!
Hey, so, I've been meaning to do this for almost a week, but despite the Coronavirus closing everything, I've been kept really busy with my work. Turns out that when you're a teacher and your school's not set up for e-learning, a sudden shift to "actually, why don't you all go figure out how to teach your classes online now, kay?" comes with some hiccups. Who knew?
Anyway, this story! I actually started with a completely different idea for this event, but after I wrote 3000-odd words of it and slept on it, I realized it was a wandering, pointless thing, and started over. My second idea I got about 1200 words into before I came to the sad conclusion that I had kind of a fun gimmick, but not actually a story. So I trashed that, too.
This was attempt number three.
As I said in my dummy review, I felt like the biggest weakness here was that it was a x-is-a-changeling fic, at its core: Rarity isn't a pony, reveals she isn't a pony, her friends are some degree of welcoming/understanding, the end. The fact that there's a 5000-word bait-and-switch at the start, where it looks like the mystery is something else entirely, doesn't really change that fact, IMO. Still, lots of people like those stories, even if they have been done to death! Maybe that's something. I dunno, I'm honestly still deciding how I feel about this fic. If nothing else, it was fun to write Rarity this way (even if I didn't nail her voice everywhere), and to see how much I could cover up with her narrative style.
On to specific replies:
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thank you! Nice to hear that landed.
>>Baal Bunny
I had the idea when I was writing this story that the protagonist's identity could be a sort of "opening mystery" to get the reader drawn in. With the benefit of hindsight, I'm not seeing a lot of value to that, though, so... yeah, you're right. I'll make it clear earlier if I put this on FiMFic, or if nothing else, use the story's description to give the reader that much.
>>Chris
ur dum :P
>>Comma Typer
Glad you liked it! Very glad you and others didn't think the distractions were too cheap; I was worried about that, but it sounds like I hit a reasonably good balance.
>>Bachiavellian
See, these were the kind of concerns I was expecting more of in the reviews. I agree that the core of this fic isn't particularly original, but the big problem I'm beating my head against is that the things you're suggesting to build out (how this works logically, family relations, etc.) lean into the least original parts of the story! So I'm worried that following those threads just makes this more of an x-is-a-changeling fic, if you get me. I dunno, I'm still thinking about it. Glad you mostly liked the narration though, and if I find a way to beat this into shape, I'll definitely be cognizant of the blocks of description!
>>Rao
If you really want to know who: the rest are all ponies. The flash is Twilight casting a disintegration spell on the evil monster, and the fic ends with Rarity's death, the last thing she ever sees a flash of light from Twilight's horn.
Okay, that's probably not it. Glad I could get your juices flowing, though, and thanks for the comments!
>>horizon
I feel like >>Comma Typer said this a bit more eloquently than I will, but I actually think you did pretty well at this, as I sort of said in my earlier review. While that initial cold open is a bit jarring, that's kind of inherent to a cold open. While there are some questions at the start they don't feel like ones that should be answered at the start - they're all ones that are either answered as we slowly learn more about this world through the course of the story, or ones that don't need to be answered, and give some depth to the world.
Pretty much none? I sort of got that it was some multi-versal superhero romp from the start, it was the finer details that initially eluded - which is what I assume you were aiming for.
Overall, I think you have more issues from running out of space than you do the cold open. In particular, Liam's story arc suffered for it - fix that up, and I think this should be just fine.
What were the setting details that clicked for you later on, or that you had to piece together on your own, which you wish you had known from the beginning? In other words, what would I need to work into the first scene or two (or an earlier prologue) in order to give readers a softer landing in the story?
I feel like >>Comma Typer said this a bit more eloquently than I will, but I actually think you did pretty well at this, as I sort of said in my earlier review. While that initial cold open is a bit jarring, that's kind of inherent to a cold open. While there are some questions at the start they don't feel like ones that should be answered at the start - they're all ones that are either answered as we slowly learn more about this world through the course of the story, or ones that don't need to be answered, and give some depth to the world.
What assumptions did you have to unmake that I might give readers a little better help in breaking up front?
Pretty much none? I sort of got that it was some multi-versal superhero romp from the start, it was the finer details that initially eluded - which is what I assume you were aiming for.
Overall, I think you have more issues from running out of space than you do the cold open. In particular, Liam's story arc suffered for it - fix that up, and I think this should be just fine.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Chris
>>Bachiavellian
>>Comma Typer
>>Baal Bunny
I’m going to start off with a Twilight here. I’m sorry, but time has crushed me terribly. I barely managed to hack this one out, didn’t edit it hardly at all, and never got a chance to review anybody else’s story. Still, I *did* manage to get it written. The concept has been an idea in the back of my head for five years or so, which makes it feel nice to see it in print. Someday I’ll polish off the rough edges and get it on Fimfiction in full form, I promise. For now, all I can do is thank you all and write some responses.
Chris - (multipost) >>Chris
Very few war stories are pro-war. War by its nature is a bad thing we do to accomplish a good that hopefully outweighs it. In this case, both the bugs and the ponies have aspects of each other, but only one is going to survive to the end, and Twilight is faced with the possibility of losing one or more of her precious friends with every attack. And Celestia has her own student out on the front lines of the fight, taking on missions that are critical to their overall strategy.
Yet they fight. The alternative as a race is to die, or worse.
Fan of most everything:
Skinnies are humans, of course. And estrus is a reminder that they can build starships and powered armor, but some cycles are too powerful to totally suppress. Plus, it makes mares fight. At one time, I heard somebody suggest that we have an all-female brigade with PMS, because absolutely no army on the planet would want to face them. The logistics would be a pain, though.
Meridian Prime:
Thank you. Took me a second pass through the first draft in order to bring Twilight’s friends in, without which it would have lost a lot.
Chris (again)
Yes, depth is something I’ve always struggled with, much like my penchant for dangling participles. It should get deeper when expanded, at least out of the kiddie pool range.
Bachiavellian:
And here we have the reason I struggle with depth (as above). The deeper you make it, the more you take away from the moment-to-moment flow of an ongoing action scene. (See Hour of the Octopus)
Comma Typer:
Yes, the reason it doesn’t feel like a self-contained story is because it isn’t. Go read Starship Troopers (not the movie, oh God no). This is a reflection, an example of what the same circumstances would look like in a pony world. The first chapter in Starship Troopers is actually a self-contained flashback, a way that Heinlein used to bring action and a ‘hook’ to the beginning of the book before laying out the life of the protagonist and his reasons for being there.
Baal Bunny
(re-reads the review) ah-HA! That’s *exactly* how Heinlein structured the first chapter of ST. “Gee that looks interesting and I want to know more about it.” I count this one as an unqualified success. I’ll never have the sheer amount of time needed to do a full pony treatment of the concept, but the fact that I can pull it off is a positive sign for my future as a famous author with a swimming pool and a yacht. (Would you believe a rather large bathtub and a floaty toy?)
Onward to glory!
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Chris
>>Bachiavellian
>>Comma Typer
>>Baal Bunny
I’m going to start off with a Twilight here. I’m sorry, but time has crushed me terribly. I barely managed to hack this one out, didn’t edit it hardly at all, and never got a chance to review anybody else’s story. Still, I *did* manage to get it written. The concept has been an idea in the back of my head for five years or so, which makes it feel nice to see it in print. Someday I’ll polish off the rough edges and get it on Fimfiction in full form, I promise. For now, all I can do is thank you all and write some responses.
Chris - (multipost) >>Chris
Very few war stories are pro-war. War by its nature is a bad thing we do to accomplish a good that hopefully outweighs it. In this case, both the bugs and the ponies have aspects of each other, but only one is going to survive to the end, and Twilight is faced with the possibility of losing one or more of her precious friends with every attack. And Celestia has her own student out on the front lines of the fight, taking on missions that are critical to their overall strategy.
Yet they fight. The alternative as a race is to die, or worse.
Fan of most everything:
Skinnies are humans, of course. And estrus is a reminder that they can build starships and powered armor, but some cycles are too powerful to totally suppress. Plus, it makes mares fight. At one time, I heard somebody suggest that we have an all-female brigade with PMS, because absolutely no army on the planet would want to face them. The logistics would be a pain, though.
Meridian Prime:
Thank you. Took me a second pass through the first draft in order to bring Twilight’s friends in, without which it would have lost a lot.
Chris (again)
Yes, depth is something I’ve always struggled with, much like my penchant for dangling participles. It should get deeper when expanded, at least out of the kiddie pool range.
Bachiavellian:
And here we have the reason I struggle with depth (as above). The deeper you make it, the more you take away from the moment-to-moment flow of an ongoing action scene. (See Hour of the Octopus)
Comma Typer:
Yes, the reason it doesn’t feel like a self-contained story is because it isn’t. Go read Starship Troopers (not the movie, oh God no). This is a reflection, an example of what the same circumstances would look like in a pony world. The first chapter in Starship Troopers is actually a self-contained flashback, a way that Heinlein used to bring action and a ‘hook’ to the beginning of the book before laying out the life of the protagonist and his reasons for being there.
Baal Bunny
(re-reads the review) ah-HA! That’s *exactly* how Heinlein structured the first chapter of ST. “Gee that looks interesting and I want to know more about it.” I count this one as an unqualified success. I’ll never have the sheer amount of time needed to do a full pony treatment of the concept, but the fact that I can pull it off is a positive sign for my future as a famous author with a swimming pool and a yacht. (Would you believe a rather large bathtub and a floaty toy?)
Onward to glory!
>>FanOfMostEverything, >>Comma Typer, >>Bachiavellian, >>horizon
ot, Phoned Home
Thanks for the perceptive comments!
This pic was literally phoned in: I used a free mobile sketching app (Autodesk Sketchbook), cropped it, and uploaded it with my cell.
I got the concept and drew the image before I selected a story to which to attach it, so the choice of story was somewhat random.
Onward to Tomorrow!
ot, Phoned Home
Thanks for the perceptive comments!
This pic was literally phoned in: I used a free mobile sketching app (Autodesk Sketchbook), cropped it, and uploaded it with my cell.
I got the concept and drew the image before I selected a story to which to attach it, so the choice of story was somewhat random.
Onward to Tomorrow!
>>Comma Typer, >>Bachiavellian, >>horizon
Thanks for the great comments! As usual, the one that gets tossed off has fewer things to go wrong with it, and fewer things to criticise.
This was an idea I'd been kicking around as the art period progressed, but I only made progress on the last day. The black wedge was done in pencil on black paper, and the sky and beams rendered in Photoshop. I wanted to add more skeletons and blend the wedge in better with the background, but ran out of time.
See you all soon!
Thanks for the great comments! As usual, the one that gets tossed off has fewer things to go wrong with it, and fewer things to criticise.
This was an idea I'd been kicking around as the art period progressed, but I only made progress on the last day. The black wedge was done in pencil on black paper, and the sky and beams rendered in Photoshop. I wanted to add more skeletons and blend the wedge in better with the background, but ran out of time.
See you all soon!
>>FanOfMostEverything, >>Meridian_Prime, >>Baal Bunny, >>Bachiavellian, >>Comma Typer, >>Chris
The Spoiled Testament
Ah, I had such grand visions for this one, and wanted to show highlights from the whole Bible rewritten with clever commentary, but I did myself out of enough time to do the concept justice, a common failing of mine.
Thanks for the kind and perceptive comments!
The Spoiled Testament
Ah, I had such grand visions for this one, and wanted to show highlights from the whole Bible rewritten with clever commentary, but I did myself out of enough time to do the concept justice, a common failing of mine.
Thanks for the kind and perceptive comments!