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An Introspection of Sorts
>>Ranmilia
This is a barebones writing exercise
Drat, you saw right through my plan!
using a very well worn comedy sketch (each of those is a different link.)
And here are my hopes of originality, crushed utterly and definitively by anime…
>>JudgeDeadd >>TrumpetofDoom >>Trick_Question >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Light_Striker >>Fenton >>Winston >>Xepher
And I think there are enough people who've pointed out the lack of stuff that actually happens.
(On a side note, I should probably get some sleep...)
It feels rushed—I see you're trying to have a smooth flow between Fluttershy's discussion with her parents and Bumble Bee's bullying, but every scene is far too short and doesn't have enough detail other than dialogue. We don't get any description the settings in which the dialogue takes place, and the exposition in her parents' meeting with the headmistress is just that.
In addition, the ending feels like it's cut off, and, with the story clocking in at 747 words, I can see why.
This leads me to think that the main problem is that this story is far too ambitious for this kind of round (750 words). I think 2000 words would fit this better, and it would give you more space to flesh things out.
In addition, the ending feels like it's cut off, and, with the story clocking in at 747 words, I can see why.
This leads me to think that the main problem is that this story is far too ambitious for this kind of round (750 words). I think 2000 words would fit this better, and it would give you more space to flesh things out.
Uh... I don't see any MLP here.
(Somewhere in the world, the author is cursing to themself for misreading the prompt.)
(Somewhere in the world, the author is cursing to themself for misreading the prompt.)
sighs
Let’s do this.
Do I really have to make it nice? It’s almost 1:30am and I feel like being a bit snarky at the moment. I hope that’s all right with you.
I’m sure it goes without saying that this story is terrible, but it’s hilarious as hell. The only major complaint I have is that you didn’t start at Chapter 1.
I appreciate the amount of subtlety you put into your insults directed at Roger—I’m sure he’d appreciate it too. And the author’s notes were so informative, in fact, that I can now properly understand (for what it’s worth) the motivations behind the characters’ actions. Oh, and I forgot: the other complaint was that there wasn’t enough sex, though I can’t fault you for this.
Okay this is cracking me up so hard. Why am I taking this seriously.
Let’s do this.
Pls remember to leave a revew and say nice things.
Do I really have to make it nice? It’s almost 1:30am and I feel like being a bit snarky at the moment. I hope that’s all right with you.
I’m sure it goes without saying that this story is terrible, but it’s hilarious as hell. The only major complaint I have is that you didn’t start at Chapter 1.
I appreciate the amount of subtlety you put into your insults directed at Roger—I’m sure he’d appreciate it too. And the author’s notes were so informative, in fact, that I can now properly understand (for what it’s worth) the motivations behind the characters’ actions. Oh, and I forgot: the other complaint was that there wasn’t enough sex, though I can’t fault you for this.
Hearing his name was like an icicle stabbed through my heart (AN: because it is WINTER).
Okay this is cracking me up so hard. Why am I taking this seriously.
>>Frogmyre And my (not so) grand return as well!
I’ve never done an original short story before—let’s see how (badly) this goes. But first, to think of a prompt.
I’ve never done an original short story before—let’s see how (badly) this goes. But first, to think of a prompt.
I wasn’t quite sure what I was expecting from the title, but what I got from it was a satisfyingly mind-tripping story.
I liked the transitions to each member of the Mane 6, and they flowed surprisingly well. The way this tied in to the story itself was also very intriguing.
Perhaps a bit more detail in the later parts would be helpful to establish that each of the characters are still in the same place. I had the impression that there were six rooms instead of one, but this might just be me.
A solid entry overall.
I liked the transitions to each member of the Mane 6, and they flowed surprisingly well. The way this tied in to the story itself was also very intriguing.
Perhaps a bit more detail in the later parts would be helpful to establish that each of the characters are still in the same place. I had the impression that there were six rooms instead of one, but this might just be me.
A solid entry overall.
This story needs some proofreading to fix the dialogue punctuation, some sentence fragments, a bit of tense mixing in the first paragraph, and general typos scattered throughout the story. (possibly as a result of rushed typing?)
I’m afraid I don’t follow—it’s too unexpected. This plot development sounds contrived considering the low stakes that the introduction leads the reader to expect. Leading in or hinting to the nanites near the beginning of the story will help make this fit better within the story.
I think EQG!Twilight is overreacting in these moments. It looks like you intended to show the turmoil she’s going through, but we don’t get any indication about her emotional state before that moment, so as a result it doesn’t feel natural and relatable.
From the ending of the story right in the middle of the plot, I suspect the author sadly ran out of time.
“Nanites! It’s the Grey Goo scenario!”
I’m afraid I don’t follow—it’s too unexpected. This plot development sounds contrived considering the low stakes that the introduction leads the reader to expect. Leading in or hinting to the nanites near the beginning of the story will help make this fit better within the story.
Twilight grabbed the Princess in her shaky telekinesis and slammed her back first against a nearby locker.
[…]
Twilight fell to the floor, crying in earnest this time.
I think EQG!Twilight is overreacting in these moments. It looks like you intended to show the turmoil she’s going through, but we don’t get any indication about her emotional state before that moment, so as a result it doesn’t feel natural and relatable.
How many could you save?
From the ending of the story right in the middle of the plot, I suspect the author sadly ran out of time.
Oh god it’s 1:13am.
Anyway, mine’s in as of half an hour ago. I edited a few bits here and there and did some basic proofreading in the time left.
>>Monokeras Considering that I’m entering for the first time ever, I’d say I’m competing for that as well.
Anyway, mine’s in as of half an hour ago. I edited a few bits here and there and did some basic proofreading in the time left.
>>Monokeras Considering that I’m entering for the first time ever, I’d say I’m competing for that as well.
Retrospect
Second Writeoff entered, woohoo! And something I can submit to Fimfiction after adding
This fic was written after a long, boring trip home. I was absolutely shit-tired for the entire day, having stayed awake till 2am the night before, but I at least had the motivation to plan out some ideas for the prompt.
One of those ideas was a sadfic about Celestia talking to Twilight about the former’s loneliness, due to her seeing Luna only at dusk and dawn (as Luna is nocturnal or something). But in hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t choose to put this idea to paper since Celestia would have had ample opportunity to make new friends, and it would be hypocritical for Celestia to send Twilight out for friendship lessons while neglecting her own relationships.
Anyway, let’s get to the story itself.
> In the distance were plush ponies of a carnation-pink winged unicorn alongside a snow-white unicorn, a similarly white winged unicorn, and a lavender winged unicorn as well.
Upon re-read, I think this is a pretty awkward sentence. It gets repetitive with its ‘unicorn’, so I’d probably rephrase the ‘unicorn’ part into a separate sentence.
>>Bad Horse
>> I think I'd like this better if the characters were humans shopping for pony plushies. Having non-MLP MLPish ponies shopping for MLP plushies confused me.
>>TheCyanRecluse
>> I have to agree with the bit about having non-MLP ponies buying MLP merchandise is... weirdly confusing. I kept expecting someone to mention them being old legends or that somehow the princesses have 'sold out' or something.
It was intended to be set in an AU where princesses didn’t exist and they pretty much were in our modern society, but in hindsight, with the story as-is, there was probably no real reason I couldn’t have made them humans. Maybe if I had more time I could have elaborated on it more, fleshing the AU out so it wasn’t just Earth with the substitution filter s/human/pony.
>>ArgonMatrix
>> both Aether and Eddy (odd names, but I can dig it)
>>Caliaponia
>> One part that did give me a little bit of dissonance was the names. While they were definitely 'pony', Eddy pops into my mind much more readily as a human boy than a unicorn filly.
I actually had a lot of trouble thinking up names for these two characters. It took half an hour
>>Bad Horse
>> I didn't like it the first time I read it, because it "didn't go anywhere". When I re-read it, not expecting it to go anywhere, I liked it a lot. :P
I think this “not going anywhere” is becoming a tendency of mine. Whoops.
Kidding aside, I couldn’t think of any other way to end the fic that made sense to me. Even from the planning stage, I didn’t see Aether as the type of pony who could have her deep-seated cynicism be completely reversed in 750 words. So I went the lazy route and had an anti-climax instead. When submission time rolled around, I thought more people would point it out, but I suppose not.
>>TheCyanRecluse
>> You see, I'm one of those terrible people who pretty much never buy merchandise for anything. Despite being a fan, I don't own a single piece of MLP merchandise. Heck, I used to be a big fan of the show Gargoyles in my youth... And I think the only merchandise I own from that fandom is the season one and two DVDs. So in short, I am a marketers worst nightmare, and have never stared at a toy in the store, pondering the philisophical implications of purchasing it.
Believe it or not, I own literally no MLP merch at all as well, apart from the MLP comics that my friend bought from a Humble Comics Bundle. I might get a plushie should I have the cash, though.
>>Morning Sun
I agree with Morning Sun.
The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(
The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.
Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁
I agree with Morning Sun.
The conversation between Cadance and Twilight was an enjoyable read. The little details, like the tidbits on unicorn chess, helped this first part of the story stand out. It was going in a very promising direction—the melancholy and delving into the serious topic where Twilight feels excluded—that I hoped would continue. Unfortunately, it didn’t. :(
The second part of the story, i.e. the sudden entrance of the collector, made me do a double take because it was so out of left field. It’s a bit too much of a mood whiplash for my tastes, and it doesn’t really make much sense compared to the first part of the story.
Perhaps if the first part were extended to a complete story and the second part removed, the story would have been more cohesive. But that’s just my two bits. ⛁
>>Cold in Gardez
Gotta agree with Cold in Gardez here. It’s a good start to a (possibly) far longer and definitely intriguing fic, but it unfortunately ends far too abruptly and right before the plot actually begins. The execution would have worked wonders had this been a short story round, though.
Gotta agree with Cold in Gardez here. It’s a good start to a (possibly) far longer and definitely intriguing fic, but it unfortunately ends far too abruptly and right before the plot actually begins. The execution would have worked wonders had this been a short story round, though.
Paging WIP