Blah, it was down to the wire and I only had 500 words of a pretty bad idea. I need to get better at this.

>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah, that system is definitely debuting with us.

I love being a guinea pig; it means I can squeak and complain all I want! :D

Edit: I also just realized you can vote that your own prompt is garbage now.

>>007Ben
>>Bachiavellian
No, mine apparently has a score of 3 already as well.
Must be a bug.

But I sure am psyched for this round, need a short story to jump start my writing here.

>>No_Raisin
Oh, ok, lol as long as it wasn’t because it was “that bad.”

>>No_Raisin
How come I don’t get an actual review?

I like how the side closest to Daring Do looks like it’s been in a fire.

This is well done. But Cadence is obviously not used to being a stallion yet. That’s a nut-crunch position if I’ve ever seen one.

>>No_Raisin
Smoke weed errey day?

That window looks like a one-eyed monster.

>>_Moonshot
Joseph: Oh... my... god!

I like having a competitive Rainbow Dash, but she really seems a bit... psychotic in this. I’m pretty sure she broke his ribs with that one kick. And in the end, I ask: WHY?

This is heartwarming. I’d say that even if I didn’t a heart (might be the case). This story might cause one to spontaneously grow a new heart (Not that I would know anything about that).

Red Robin

Yummmmmmmmmmmm

Interesting fic, you write Lyra the way I write Vinyl, loud and oblivious. Characterizations are nice. The three way body swap is... ummm... weird? But overall entertaining since it resulted in Lyra shouting about one literally rutting oneself in front of a bunch of foals.

Ok, I swear I wasn’t trying to rant, but I wasn’t able to voice my thoughts properly and it just turned into this rambling mess.

Aside from some of the technical difficulties others have raised, there are a few things that outright confuse me about this, even with subsequent readings.

I find myself wondering about why this group of ponies is as cohesive as it is.

Rocky seems to hate the group... a lot. And he seems to treat most of them like dirt. Only him and Rose seem to have something approaching an amenable relationship, and even that seems kinda sketchy since she’s so reluctant to even ask him a question. There’s no visible dynamic that holds the group together.

Are they scared of Rocky? It doesn’t seem so, they laugh at him over something simple.

Even though they’re not officially part of Equestria, are they actually “little soldiers” or (since it’s in quotes) is he saying that in a derogatory fashion about them? What even are they, if not an official force? The guns seem out of place, are they bandits?

Maybe it’s me, but the group just seems like one that wouldn’t remain together.

Then there’s the bit with Rose. It’s confusing how she wants to make a map of the continent, but then in the next scene asks why they wasted time doing just that.

I suppose that question comes back to the group again.

Their purpose of existence seems dubious. They’re a bunch of ponies who don’t get along, who don’t work for anypony, but occasionally map regions and tell the crown that now they belong to the crown? How does that even work?

I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be overly critical (fail for me there), it just seems that Rocky’s group needs a little more backstory or something to make their actual purpose more tangible.

Very nice. Well written, loved the theme, the execution, everything about this one is good. It makes for a good horror “beneath the surface” kind of tale.

I like the premise, and most of the execution. It definitely needs an editing pass or two. There are a few sentence structure and use of tenses mistakes that broke up my reading of an otherwise intriguing story.

I agree that even a sentence or two more about what happened to bring the characters to such a dangerous and exhausting ritual are in order. Was somepony killed? Have the Timberwolves been attacking Ponyville without reason? Or did they notice something that lead them to believe that the Timberwolves are more than just wild animals? Even just hints at these things keep us from wondering why Twilight is willing to risk so much.

I think it’s fine to end the way it does, as the lack of resolution shows her going off into uncharted territory.

I liked this, it just needs to be polished up a bit.

The only thing that threw me was mentioning Eons at the beginning. I thought it was a different character until the name came up. Otherwise, it’s well written, but I feel it’s just not my cup of tea.

You got your hot gender-bending stallion on stallion teen-romance flick in our writeoff gallery! We got our write off gallery in your hot gender-bender stallion on stallion teen-romance flick!

I could see this taking off with some moar steamy action. Not here, of course.

“Never rob another stallion’s rhubarb,”

Excuse me, have you ever danced with devils food cake in the pale moonlight?

Oh, so Cheese is responsible for that particular episode. Well written, and very... cheesy.

I like the plot and most of the execution on this one, but it seemed a little... fast paced, I think. Even before we get to the multiscene Twilight lecture, there are a few rapid fire scene transitions.

But other than that, it’s silly, fun story, much to enjoy.

I agree with the previous two comments, from Writing Spirit and Moonshot. The first part is fluid and full of wonder and hope, but then there’s a jarring transition into part two, which feels maybe a little rushed. The feghoot (is it a feghoot if it’s not a pun/joke?) also didn’t sell me, and seems a little shoehorned in there.

As far as recommendations, I think you might be able to try a sort of mirror style for execution in the second half. For example, Klondike starts the first section by pulling back his parka and wiping his forehead. Do something like starting section two the same way, where Hail goes to pull back his parka to wipe his forehead, only to realize the hood has already been torn off. Then he looks up at the steep ascent that he has to make, which would contrast with Klondike already having made it to the top. Easing into it like this gives the reader an indication of something wrong without the sudden earth shattering kaboom.

But I do love the potential. And I do love me some Lovecraft style horror. You just need to do a little work on the second part.

Pwew! Made my entry!

I like the amount of time you gave us and also the timing of when we could write. The minifics usually have such a short amount of time to write, so when Sunday comes along and I actually am able to sit down and do the writing, usually the writing portion of the contests is over. So I really like the new setup here. I just wish it showed up on the main page under the active events.

>>CoffeeMinion
We have needed a story length like for the longest time. It adds extra incentive to write if I know that I can post it directly to Fimfiction after it fails judging.

>>Miller Minus
A Patoo. If you need to ask why, then you’ve never seen one.

>>CoffeeMinion
“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.”