Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Ever wonder what happened to these stories after the Writeoff? See: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/800295/writeoff-and-fimfic-stories
Friends, I am trying not to make a habit of non-participation. However, due to some family issues from the weekend into today, I will not be able to complete my entry.
a.k.a.: RL, my only weakness :-(
a.k.a.: RL, my only weakness :-(
This is a lovely tribute to the overarching themes of alternate timelines, personalities, and/or extradimensional shenanigans in this Writeoff. And how prescient the Artist is as to the outcome! Love the horn-impaled marshmallow, and its reference to the incoming G5 stuff. The detail on Twilight’s face is excellent and comedic.
I like the scenario put forward by the opening! And I like it that Pinkie has helped resolve things in the most *interesting* way possible. I wondered if this was going to turn out to be pony-cocaine (poncaine?), and indeed it was.
The ensuing "party" and its wrap-up feel fast relative to the rest of the story. There's a good deal of build-up, but at the moment IMO there's more comic potential that could be mined out of the scenario.
It's framed-up for this to be a strong comic moment though, which is good; it's primed for expansion, should you choose to do so!
The ensuing "party" and its wrap-up feel fast relative to the rest of the story. There's a good deal of build-up, but at the moment IMO there's more comic potential that could be mined out of the scenario.
It's framed-up for this to be a strong comic moment though, which is good; it's primed for expansion, should you choose to do so!
Immediate sense of urgency. Strong, fast-flowing, well-constructed verbiage. Arcane shenanigans add excitement. Very very solid hook.
HA! Okay, *that's* what this is about. Well that's a fantastic setup and payoff. It's short and sweet, and I very nearly thought it wasn't going to land its payoff. The ending sting of comedy is of a bit different "flavor" than the opening bits of panic. But it all fits together, and well.
HA! Okay, *that's* what this is about. Well that's a fantastic setup and payoff. It's short and sweet, and I very nearly thought it wasn't going to land its payoff. The ending sting of comedy is of a bit different "flavor" than the opening bits of panic. But it all fits together, and well.
Opening imagery grabs me right away. And I'm glad it's Rarity, considering how it's presented. That feels like the right character voice to be showing us this.
Queen? I'm intrigued. Who is this?
Hold on... is this *Nightmare timeline Rarity?* That is the very definition of my jam, fam.
This is absolutely brilliant writing. Perhaps a bit... hefty? There's a high density of words, and a great deal of focus on detail, yet it could be clearer IMO that we're dealing with Nightmare Moon.
Still, I love the concept of an imprisoned Twilight held at bay by NMM and her most faithful servant. I like how this reveals what's going on slowly. It generates a good bit of mystery, and curiosity, before revealing everything. That's a great accomplishment in such a short space.
Queen? I'm intrigued. Who is this?
Hold on... is this *Nightmare timeline Rarity?* That is the very definition of my jam, fam.
This is absolutely brilliant writing. Perhaps a bit... hefty? There's a high density of words, and a great deal of focus on detail, yet it could be clearer IMO that we're dealing with Nightmare Moon.
Still, I love the concept of an imprisoned Twilight held at bay by NMM and her most faithful servant. I like how this reveals what's going on slowly. It generates a good bit of mystery, and curiosity, before revealing everything. That's a great accomplishment in such a short space.
I have two bits of criticism, followed by a great deal of enjoyment.
First, the opening line runs on a bit. I'm very guilty of run-on openers, so I recognize a bit of myself here. I get that you're going for wit and characterization but it ends up being harder to digest than it might need to be.
Second, a lot of the negative consequences of Twi's wishes are hinted at or mentioned, rather than shown. This blunts the relatability of Twilight's frustration with the situation--because we can't see it.
But I love it how Twilight jumps outside the traditional djinn wish-restriction, but then immediately gets serious about what to do from there. That feels very on-point for her. The undo button is hilarious! And I like how this ends, for the most part. Twilight going for a complete undo on the scenario feels appropriate. She's smart but not smart enough to avoid trouble, and not too egotistical to admit that and try to fix things.
Good stuff!
First, the opening line runs on a bit. I'm very guilty of run-on openers, so I recognize a bit of myself here. I get that you're going for wit and characterization but it ends up being harder to digest than it might need to be.
Second, a lot of the negative consequences of Twi's wishes are hinted at or mentioned, rather than shown. This blunts the relatability of Twilight's frustration with the situation--because we can't see it.
But I love it how Twilight jumps outside the traditional djinn wish-restriction, but then immediately gets serious about what to do from there. That feels very on-point for her. The undo button is hilarious! And I like how this ends, for the most part. Twilight going for a complete undo on the scenario feels appropriate. She's smart but not smart enough to avoid trouble, and not too egotistical to admit that and try to fix things.
Good stuff!
I started with this based on the title alone, and I am pleased by what I see. This could be developed more but it's got a rock-solid foundation.
I like how this is funny from the get-go. Definitely meta/fandom-aware, but I'm fine with that. Satire is magic! Especially when we come to our conflict: governmental cost-savings. This fic has my number. It also unleashes burning sarcasm at the Princess' expense. I love the line about "trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth."
Maybe the missing link is in the wrap-up. They decide to table the issue and have ice cream (and cake), but the ostensible ability to float the budget for a month takes some of the urgency away. I think that's ultimately a very fixable thing, should the Author seek to "fix" that thing. There's nothing to stop these three from coming up with the money in a more ridiculous way, up to and including shaking down the visiting dignitaries.
I like how this is funny from the get-go. Definitely meta/fandom-aware, but I'm fine with that. Satire is magic! Especially when we come to our conflict: governmental cost-savings. This fic has my number. It also unleashes burning sarcasm at the Princess' expense. I love the line about "trying to decide how much my disappearing forever is worth."
Maybe the missing link is in the wrap-up. They decide to table the issue and have ice cream (and cake), but the ostensible ability to float the budget for a month takes some of the urgency away. I think that's ultimately a very fixable thing, should the Author seek to "fix" that thing. There's nothing to stop these three from coming up with the money in a more ridiculous way, up to and including shaking down the visiting dignitaries.
Everyone, I apologize. I approached this Writeoff with the sincere intention to participate. On top of other adjustments to the world at large, I'm also adjusting to a new job. Things got a bit away from me here.
To our entrants: thank you. You are awesome. I will try to add at least a small amount of encouragement through feedback.
Next time, Gadget!
To our entrants: thank you. You are awesome. I will try to add at least a small amount of encouragement through feedback.
Next time, Gadget!
>>Light_Striker
I hope you’re safe and well. Such things take necessary precedence over fic-writing!
I hope you’re safe and well. Such things take necessary precedence over fic-writing!
It’s that time once again, friends! Come put your love of short shorts on display as we roll into the year’s second FiSS event. Hopefully the overall world climate will be more conducive to thought and consideration than our first time around, notwithstanding the literal climate turning hard against us in some places!
Hey, kids! I wrote a thing! That means it's time for:
Once again I tapped the massive ponyfic idea pile I've been sitting on for several years for inspiration. From it I took the notion of a Mare-Do-Well in search of an identity... or, more accurately, unmoored from a specific identity. It's long bugged me that we have the concept of a manufactured Mare-Do-Well character, but no concept of who that character would be apart from five of the M6 being lowkey jerks to Rainbow Dash.
You'll note that I didn't actually explore that here, but it's what got me started. That and an interaction between Twilight and Gallus in my longtime co-conspirator Moosetasm's recent Jinglemas fic. I've come to feel that Twilight and Gallus are an interesting pair--not to ship, but to play off each other. Twilight is cerebral, analytical, and can struggle to connect with others when she's not deliberate about leaning into her portfolio of skills as the Princess of Friendship. (Clearly, though, she's good at doing that; but sometimes it doesn't come naturally to her.) Gallus carries the sarcastic and cynical exterior of his upbringing amid Griffonstone's nadir, but he's got a core of earnestness, dedication, and heart. The two of them can go through similar emotional experiences with completely different internal reflections and outward demonstrations. It's fantastic.
But what the heck is going on in this fic? My self-review (>>CoffeeMinion) points straight at both the intended meaning, and at my biggest problem with this: the Tree(house) of Harmony is reaching out with the last of its strength to tell Twilight to get back out there and make friends after most of her oldest ones have died of old age. Problem is, that's nowhere near clear enough. I knew when I ended this the way I did that it would be ambiguous, but I'd run out of words to spell it out in any but the most hamfisted way. On the bright side, though, that left room for interpretations like >>WritingSpirit's, which I adored. Perhaps the only thing holding me back from stealing that idea outright is that I did something similar with my past (ex-Writeoff) fic Father and Son. Either way, I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement about how to improve this.
>>KwirkyJ -- You point at issues that are probably minor in terms of effort required to fix, yet far-reaching in terms of impact to the work if not fixed. Again, the worst part of this for me was working out how much story could be crammed into the word limit. OH, but the title is absolute garbage. I cannot deny it; I will not deny it. I hit the end of my available writing time, had no title that would fit the story, and grabbed words that I hoped might hang together decently. I think they didn't. Another title would serve this better.
>>Baal Bunny -- I meant for it to be clearer that Twilight was picking up on the Tree(house) of Harmony's unique energy signature in the fallen remains of Mare-Do-Well. But I think I also had to cut a solid 50 words out of that passage to make things fit. Time to rehydrate that in post!
>>PinoyPony -- Thank you for your encouragement as well! Hopefully things are clearer now that I get the chance to explain them. But I'll have to make sure the story stands on its own in future drafts.
And yes, as always, I aim to carry this forward and publish it on FimFiction. My backlog is bigger than I'd like, and a half-year of diminished activity has not improved things, but hopefully with your feedback this will get to shine brighter someday. <3
The "Us" in "Retrospective"
Once again I tapped the massive ponyfic idea pile I've been sitting on for several years for inspiration. From it I took the notion of a Mare-Do-Well in search of an identity... or, more accurately, unmoored from a specific identity. It's long bugged me that we have the concept of a manufactured Mare-Do-Well character, but no concept of who that character would be apart from five of the M6 being lowkey jerks to Rainbow Dash.
You'll note that I didn't actually explore that here, but it's what got me started. That and an interaction between Twilight and Gallus in my longtime co-conspirator Moosetasm's recent Jinglemas fic. I've come to feel that Twilight and Gallus are an interesting pair--not to ship, but to play off each other. Twilight is cerebral, analytical, and can struggle to connect with others when she's not deliberate about leaning into her portfolio of skills as the Princess of Friendship. (Clearly, though, she's good at doing that; but sometimes it doesn't come naturally to her.) Gallus carries the sarcastic and cynical exterior of his upbringing amid Griffonstone's nadir, but he's got a core of earnestness, dedication, and heart. The two of them can go through similar emotional experiences with completely different internal reflections and outward demonstrations. It's fantastic.
But what the heck is going on in this fic? My self-review (>>CoffeeMinion) points straight at both the intended meaning, and at my biggest problem with this: the Tree(house) of Harmony is reaching out with the last of its strength to tell Twilight to get back out there and make friends after most of her oldest ones have died of old age. Problem is, that's nowhere near clear enough. I knew when I ended this the way I did that it would be ambiguous, but I'd run out of words to spell it out in any but the most hamfisted way. On the bright side, though, that left room for interpretations like >>WritingSpirit's, which I adored. Perhaps the only thing holding me back from stealing that idea outright is that I did something similar with my past (ex-Writeoff) fic Father and Son. Either way, I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement about how to improve this.
>>KwirkyJ -- You point at issues that are probably minor in terms of effort required to fix, yet far-reaching in terms of impact to the work if not fixed. Again, the worst part of this for me was working out how much story could be crammed into the word limit. OH, but the title is absolute garbage. I cannot deny it; I will not deny it. I hit the end of my available writing time, had no title that would fit the story, and grabbed words that I hoped might hang together decently. I think they didn't. Another title would serve this better.
>>Baal Bunny -- I meant for it to be clearer that Twilight was picking up on the Tree(house) of Harmony's unique energy signature in the fallen remains of Mare-Do-Well. But I think I also had to cut a solid 50 words out of that passage to make things fit. Time to rehydrate that in post!
>>PinoyPony -- Thank you for your encouragement as well! Hopefully things are clearer now that I get the chance to explain them. But I'll have to make sure the story stands on its own in future drafts.
And yes, as always, I aim to carry this forward and publish it on FimFiction. My backlog is bigger than I'd like, and a half-year of diminished activity has not improved things, but hopefully with your feedback this will get to shine brighter someday. <3
>>KwirkyJ
It’s clear that the depths suggested in this piece are real. I hope you develop this further!
Wow I didn't phrase that well. I do indeed hope you continue developing this, given what you say about it being only one piece of what might become a longer story. But this clearly has depth, and has introduced me to ideas and experiences that I was not familiar with.
Thank you for writing this, and for explaining its meaning in greater detail.
Wow I didn't phrase that well. I do indeed hope you continue developing this, given what you say about it being only one piece of what might become a longer story. But this clearly has depth, and has introduced me to ideas and experiences that I was not familiar with.
Thank you for writing this, and for explaining its meaning in greater detail.
>>KwirkyJ
Something about a grotesque, exiled ruler who sows discord (if not Discord) in his wake just spoke to me in the present moment. I dunno. :-p
Well I for one am glad this exists, and would be willing to give it a once-or-twice-over if you choose to revisit it for publication. I think you’ve got a strong core here.
Something about a grotesque, exiled ruler who sows discord (if not Discord) in his wake just spoke to me in the present moment. I dunno. :-p
Well I for one am glad this exists, and would be willing to give it a once-or-twice-over if you choose to revisit it for publication. I think you’ve got a strong core here.
Genre: Slice-of-Sugar
Thoughts: I think it’s relevant to view this in the context of the prompt. Applejack and Sugar are pointing straight at the inevitable conversation that’s going to end up happening sooner or later. We see Applejack being a good aunt, and Sugar being a kid on the cusp of growing up. Others have pointed at the moment’s straightforwardness, but the point of the story seems less about the actions happening herein, and more about the characters and their relationships. I do feel that the limited scope of the tale makes it stand out a bit less than it could this round. But I think this does what it’s trying to do.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I think it’s relevant to view this in the context of the prompt. Applejack and Sugar are pointing straight at the inevitable conversation that’s going to end up happening sooner or later. We see Applejack being a good aunt, and Sugar being a kid on the cusp of growing up. Others have pointed at the moment’s straightforwardness, but the point of the story seems less about the actions happening herein, and more about the characters and their relationships. I do feel that the limited scope of the tale makes it stand out a bit less than it could this round. But I think this does what it’s trying to do.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: The Droids We’re Looking For
Thoughts: I’m admittedly partial to Discord shenanigans. I’m much too fond of Fluttercord. But those things aside, this is really, really good. Strong imagery and good humor mix with a full range of emotions, from zany to mournful, ending with a kind of positive acceptance. The scope of the scene is small but it takes me on a big journey by only revealing its game bit by bit.
Absolute thumbs up from me.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: I’m admittedly partial to Discord shenanigans. I’m much too fond of Fluttercord. But those things aside, this is really, really good. Strong imagery and good humor mix with a full range of emotions, from zany to mournful, ending with a kind of positive acceptance. The scope of the scene is small but it takes me on a big journey by only revealing its game bit by bit.
Absolute thumbs up from me.
Tier: Top Contender
Genre: M-M-Mystery
Thoughts: I feel like this suffers a bit from being cut to fit the word count. While the prose is compact and at times vivid, there’s not a lot of breathing room to explain what’s going on.
But, what’s going on seems to have a ghostly or metaphysical touch, which I enjoy. What I think is going on, based especially on the moment where they’re flying, is that the Tree is trying to reach an increasingly isolated Twilight to urge her to go make some new friends since her old ones are kicking the bucket. Kind of anti-immortality blues, if you will. But that could’ve been made clearer by saying as much, if this wasn’t bumping its head so hard on the word limit.
I dunno. I want to say something more profound, but that’s my Big Criticism. Overall I think this works and has a lot going for it, but a significant part of the story is currently outside the story—if you feel me.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I feel like this suffers a bit from being cut to fit the word count. While the prose is compact and at times vivid, there’s not a lot of breathing room to explain what’s going on.
But, what’s going on seems to have a ghostly or metaphysical touch, which I enjoy. What I think is going on, based especially on the moment where they’re flying, is that the Tree is trying to reach an increasingly isolated Twilight to urge her to go make some new friends since her old ones are kicking the bucket. Kind of anti-immortality blues, if you will. But that could’ve been made clearer by saying as much, if this wasn’t bumping its head so hard on the word limit.
I dunno. I want to say something more profound, but that’s my Big Criticism. Overall I think this works and has a lot going for it, but a significant part of the story is currently outside the story—if you feel me.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Of Human Bondage
Thoughts:
Wow. Very powerful. A bit confusing, but powerful. It’s clear that Luna is in dire emotional pain. The acts and images of intimacy, however brief, are arresting. Celestia and Big Mac as a couple(?) is an unexpected choice, but it works. The brushing of his fingers on her knee is a gesture that I don’t run into often (and may have to steal cuz it’s good).
I find myself left with a Big Problem here. Simply put, I don’t think the part towards the end that’s trying to hint at what’s going on with Luna is clear enough. Unless she’s cutting on her whole body and supergluing it up? But then, why? What event has left her doing this? There’s a brief bit of narrative scaffolding, but IMO it’s notable primarily in its incompleteness.
However, that’s not to undercut the rest of this. There’s a strong core of emotion and physicality here that I’m grateful to have read. If you pick this up again after the Writeoff, I feel like a bit of further explanation would make this sing.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts:
Wow. Very powerful. A bit confusing, but powerful. It’s clear that Luna is in dire emotional pain. The acts and images of intimacy, however brief, are arresting. Celestia and Big Mac as a couple(?) is an unexpected choice, but it works. The brushing of his fingers on her knee is a gesture that I don’t run into often (and may have to steal cuz it’s good).
I find myself left with a Big Problem here. Simply put, I don’t think the part towards the end that’s trying to hint at what’s going on with Luna is clear enough. Unless she’s cutting on her whole body and supergluing it up? But then, why? What event has left her doing this? There’s a brief bit of narrative scaffolding, but IMO it’s notable primarily in its incompleteness.
However, that’s not to undercut the rest of this. There’s a strong core of emotion and physicality here that I’m grateful to have read. If you pick this up again after the Writeoff, I feel like a bit of further explanation would make this sing.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Thinly veiled political commentary?
Thoughts: I was hoping that this would land differently than it did in its final line. Don't get me wrong: kudos for successfully executing a setup and payoff that I didn't see coming. The circumstances are a bit odd, but the results are internally consistent with Starlight's experience with Twilight in this fic. Maybe the issue for me as a reader is that, to make this work fully, I have to buy that Twilight does stuff like this to Starlight all the time, without regarding her preferences and feelings. I have no problem buying that to some extent. I'm not sure if I buy it to quite the extent that's being asked of me, though; at least not without additional setup.
However, the fic we've got is the fic we've got, and in many ways I think it is well-composed and successful. I love the expressiveness of the prose, particularly in the segment with the monarch. It's like I could see him in my mind quite vividly (at which point my mind mashed the eject button in horror). I thought the use of rope as communicative gestures was clever. It's successful in its humor. Truth be told, there are enough creative details here that this required some re-reading to pick up on everything.
That ending, though. And perhaps that beginning. Why was Starlight given this assignment? Presumably this was set during the time when Starlight was Twilight's student. Maybe Twilight was still learning as a teacher (scratch that: she definitely was). But still, this ends on a note that doesn't suggest they'll reconcile, grow close, and become true friends. If this is meant to slot into that moment of time, I would hope to see some kind of a path for them to get back on track.
...Which raises the point that I'm mentally trying to slot this into a canon or near-canon timeline and/or depiction of the characters. That's a me thing, not necessarily an author thing. But everyone's voice and decisions feel true-to-form up to the last line, which I have a harder time letting go of. The story sets up expectations that we're not too far afield from the Equestria we know. If it wants to prep me otherwise, I need a little more help getting there.
I dunno. I'm circling around a ranking decision. Perhaps I'll take the coward's way out and defer that for now. I feel like this should rank well because of its overall strong execution, but I need to spend more time reflecting on it.
Tier:TBD Almost There
Thoughts: I was hoping that this would land differently than it did in its final line. Don't get me wrong: kudos for successfully executing a setup and payoff that I didn't see coming. The circumstances are a bit odd, but the results are internally consistent with Starlight's experience with Twilight in this fic. Maybe the issue for me as a reader is that, to make this work fully, I have to buy that Twilight does stuff like this to Starlight all the time, without regarding her preferences and feelings. I have no problem buying that to some extent. I'm not sure if I buy it to quite the extent that's being asked of me, though; at least not without additional setup.
However, the fic we've got is the fic we've got, and in many ways I think it is well-composed and successful. I love the expressiveness of the prose, particularly in the segment with the monarch. It's like I could see him in my mind quite vividly (at which point my mind mashed the eject button in horror). I thought the use of rope as communicative gestures was clever. It's successful in its humor. Truth be told, there are enough creative details here that this required some re-reading to pick up on everything.
That ending, though. And perhaps that beginning. Why was Starlight given this assignment? Presumably this was set during the time when Starlight was Twilight's student. Maybe Twilight was still learning as a teacher (scratch that: she definitely was). But still, this ends on a note that doesn't suggest they'll reconcile, grow close, and become true friends. If this is meant to slot into that moment of time, I would hope to see some kind of a path for them to get back on track.
...Which raises the point that I'm mentally trying to slot this into a canon or near-canon timeline and/or depiction of the characters. That's a me thing, not necessarily an author thing. But everyone's voice and decisions feel true-to-form up to the last line, which I have a harder time letting go of. The story sets up expectations that we're not too far afield from the Equestria we know. If it wants to prep me otherwise, I need a little more help getting there.
I dunno. I'm circling around a ranking decision. Perhaps I'll take the coward's way out and defer that for now. I feel like this should rank well because of its overall strong execution, but I need to spend more time reflecting on it.
Tier:
Genre: [strongbad]TOTAL CRAP[/strongbad]
Thoughts: It's fics like this that will always keep me coming back to the Writeoff, even if whole years and nations make like a lead weight at a balloon convention. What can I say but that this is equal parts silly and literately sophisticated? Yes, it's a story about Twilight dropping The Deuce, but it's also got "fertile sentences streaming out in coils." It's a joy to behold (even if we have to cover up some of the Etuskan art... those ancients sure knew how to party).
The malapropisms vis-a-vis Twixlight Glimsickle at the beginning (and Spork at the end) feel a bit like a hanging Chad, though (in a reference sure to confound younglings from here to Virginia). Did Twilight eat a magic book, or just a book-book? Why did that cause the names to go funkier than a grand railroad? And was she ultimately trying to get words out on a page or get words out on a rhododendron? I.e., was her primary goal to read or write before her plans all went to crap?
So, there are clearly some logical head-scratchers here that could be tightened down a bit. But those don't really detract from this being a fragrant offering at our feet. In fact, the kids might go so far as to say this story is the shi--
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: It's fics like this that will always keep me coming back to the Writeoff, even if whole years and nations make like a lead weight at a balloon convention. What can I say but that this is equal parts silly and literately sophisticated? Yes, it's a story about Twilight dropping The Deuce, but it's also got "fertile sentences streaming out in coils." It's a joy to behold (even if we have to cover up some of the Etuskan art... those ancients sure knew how to party).
The malapropisms vis-a-vis Twixlight Glimsickle at the beginning (and Spork at the end) feel a bit like a hanging Chad, though (in a reference sure to confound younglings from here to Virginia). Did Twilight eat a magic book, or just a book-book? Why did that cause the names to go funkier than a grand railroad? And was she ultimately trying to get words out on a page or get words out on a rhododendron? I.e., was her primary goal to read or write before her plans all went to crap?
So, there are clearly some logical head-scratchers here that could be tightened down a bit. But those don't really detract from this being a fragrant offering at our feet. In fact, the kids might go so far as to say this story is the shi--
Tier: Strong
>>Baal Bunny
Yes indeed! Due to the website hiccuping for a while this evening, I was persuaded to bump things out another 24 hours. I hope this will bring more benefit than frustration to my fellow horsewordsmiths.
Yes indeed! Due to the website hiccuping for a while this evening, I was persuaded to bump things out another 24 hours. I hope this will bring more benefit than frustration to my fellow horsewordsmiths.
Paging WIP