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The Day That Twilight Sparkle Shat Out 500 Words
On the day that Twilight Sparkle shat out 500 words, I was polishing a ceremonial breast plate unearthed from the Etuskan period in an expedition undertaken last summer by the Oblate and Sourful Trixie and yours truly, Sunlight Glammer. Suddenly, my workspace door slammed open, dislodging a shelf full of souvenir hoof spoons that clattered to the floor like a Greek chorus of tinny junk.
"Gluelike Stammer!" yelled out Spike. "Trimset Stutter! Help! Twilight's... in a bad way." He snorted in excitement and the green flame sent a couple of my spoons across the ether just in time to splash-land in Celestia's afternoon teacup.
"Just a moment, Spork... er, Sport." I set the breastplate down over some of the racier items of Etuskan sculpture that I am privileged to have in my collection. "What's all this, then?"
The tiny magic dragon puffed, then shivered. "I made breakfast for Twilight this morning. She was reading as she ate, something she'd written. A loose page fell onto her plate and got stuck on her fork and went into her mouth!" He gagged. "I heard the crackling sound as she chewed the thick paper. I tried to yank it away but it was like a goat eating a tin can. She ate it all!"
"I wish I'd been there to see her eating her words," I said. "But what's the problem? It's just paper. I used to eat my books all the time as a filly."
"Well, she says it's really important for her to finish it, and it's hurting her, and... well, I wish you would come and help!"
We raced out to the back garden, where all right-thinking ponies deposit their leavings, and saw Twilight with her posterior firmly planted in a quivering rhododendron. I could see the veins pulsing on her forehead as she strained and grunted.
"Can't leave it there…" she groaned through gritted teeth. "That summation stuck in my craw… just couldn't stomach that conclusion. Need to wrap it up!"
"What was the paper about?" I asked Spire.
"She's in some sort of competition - a rub-off or a toss-off or something - and this was her submission," he said, holding his nose. "I've never seen her so determined to finish something in the last possible minute!"
Suddenly she grunted, and ululated in a piercing cry as the rhododendron flowers started to wither and fall from the bush. There was no doubt that the 500 words were being excreted in a prodigious rush! The fertile sentences were streaming out in coils, with one turn of phrase after another. Soon, her colon reached a full stop, with thunderous punctuation.
"Whew!" she cried, holding forth a chamberpot with a lump of steaming pulp. "I technically still have five minutes to submit this! Maybe I can get a bronze. I gotta go!" With a flash she shot off into the aether, leaving Spock and I to look at each other in dismay.
"Let it go," I said. "It's just another crockfic."
"Gluelike Stammer!" yelled out Spike. "Trimset Stutter! Help! Twilight's... in a bad way." He snorted in excitement and the green flame sent a couple of my spoons across the ether just in time to splash-land in Celestia's afternoon teacup.
"Just a moment, Spork... er, Sport." I set the breastplate down over some of the racier items of Etuskan sculpture that I am privileged to have in my collection. "What's all this, then?"
The tiny magic dragon puffed, then shivered. "I made breakfast for Twilight this morning. She was reading as she ate, something she'd written. A loose page fell onto her plate and got stuck on her fork and went into her mouth!" He gagged. "I heard the crackling sound as she chewed the thick paper. I tried to yank it away but it was like a goat eating a tin can. She ate it all!"
"I wish I'd been there to see her eating her words," I said. "But what's the problem? It's just paper. I used to eat my books all the time as a filly."
"Well, she says it's really important for her to finish it, and it's hurting her, and... well, I wish you would come and help!"
We raced out to the back garden, where all right-thinking ponies deposit their leavings, and saw Twilight with her posterior firmly planted in a quivering rhododendron. I could see the veins pulsing on her forehead as she strained and grunted.
"Can't leave it there…" she groaned through gritted teeth. "That summation stuck in my craw… just couldn't stomach that conclusion. Need to wrap it up!"
"What was the paper about?" I asked Spire.
"She's in some sort of competition - a rub-off or a toss-off or something - and this was her submission," he said, holding his nose. "I've never seen her so determined to finish something in the last possible minute!"
Suddenly she grunted, and ululated in a piercing cry as the rhododendron flowers started to wither and fall from the bush. There was no doubt that the 500 words were being excreted in a prodigious rush! The fertile sentences were streaming out in coils, with one turn of phrase after another. Soon, her colon reached a full stop, with thunderous punctuation.
"Whew!" she cried, holding forth a chamberpot with a lump of steaming pulp. "I technically still have five minutes to submit this! Maybe I can get a bronze. I gotta go!" With a flash she shot off into the aether, leaving Spock and I to look at each other in dismay.
"Let it go," I said. "It's just another crockfic."
Genre: [strongbad]TOTAL CRAP[/strongbad]
Thoughts: It's fics like this that will always keep me coming back to the Writeoff, even if whole years and nations make like a lead weight at a balloon convention. What can I say but that this is equal parts silly and literately sophisticated? Yes, it's a story about Twilight dropping The Deuce, but it's also got "fertile sentences streaming out in coils." It's a joy to behold (even if we have to cover up some of the Etuskan art... those ancients sure knew how to party).
The malapropisms vis-a-vis Twixlight Glimsickle at the beginning (and Spork at the end) feel a bit like a hanging Chad, though (in a reference sure to confound younglings from here to Virginia). Did Twilight eat a magic book, or just a book-book? Why did that cause the names to go funkier than a grand railroad? And was she ultimately trying to get words out on a page or get words out on a rhododendron? I.e., was her primary goal to read or write before her plans all went to crap?
So, there are clearly some logical head-scratchers here that could be tightened down a bit. But those don't really detract from this being a fragrant offering at our feet. In fact, the kids might go so far as to say this story is the shi--
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: It's fics like this that will always keep me coming back to the Writeoff, even if whole years and nations make like a lead weight at a balloon convention. What can I say but that this is equal parts silly and literately sophisticated? Yes, it's a story about Twilight dropping The Deuce, but it's also got "fertile sentences streaming out in coils." It's a joy to behold (even if we have to cover up some of the Etuskan art... those ancients sure knew how to party).
The malapropisms vis-a-vis Twixlight Glimsickle at the beginning (and Spork at the end) feel a bit like a hanging Chad, though (in a reference sure to confound younglings from here to Virginia). Did Twilight eat a magic book, or just a book-book? Why did that cause the names to go funkier than a grand railroad? And was she ultimately trying to get words out on a page or get words out on a rhododendron? I.e., was her primary goal to read or write before her plans all went to crap?
So, there are clearly some logical head-scratchers here that could be tightened down a bit. But those don't really detract from this being a fragrant offering at our feet. In fact, the kids might go so far as to say this story is the shi--
Tier: Strong
Welp, this one’s got me cornered. I was about to make a joke about maybe Starlight had a mental breakdown or is in one of ‘those’ dreams, but nothing clever comes to mind. Besides… CoffeeMinion has the stage, doing pretty well up there, so I won’t bother them while in the zone.
Let’s get the elephant out of the room. Generally speaking, Comedy is very hit or miss with me. But, don’t fret, I’ll judge this one fairly. This one definitely does well with its style. I had no idea what a malaprop was until Coffee pointed it out. Stylistically, I’d expect this to be the type of stuff that ends up in YTP (ugh, the fact that I brought it up… I disgust myself with how crude I can be).
I guess my gripe is that it presents itself with overpowered immunities. I mean, if you polish a turd, it’s still a turd. That’s the nature of this piece, at its very core. The reader isn’t supposed to take it seriously, and neither is the editor nor the author. Overpowered. Immune to anything you throw at it. A Writeoff Checkmate with the right arguments.
Let’s get the elephant out of the room. Generally speaking, Comedy is very hit or miss with me. But, don’t fret, I’ll judge this one fairly. This one definitely does well with its style. I had no idea what a malaprop was until Coffee pointed it out. Stylistically, I’d expect this to be the type of stuff that ends up in YTP (ugh, the fact that I brought it up… I disgust myself with how crude I can be).
I guess my gripe is that it presents itself with overpowered immunities. I mean, if you polish a turd, it’s still a turd. That’s the nature of this piece, at its very core. The reader isn’t supposed to take it seriously, and neither is the editor nor the author. Overpowered. Immune to anything you throw at it. A Writeoff Checkmate with the right arguments.
Pretty silly:
If you want to take this to the next level and transfer it to FimFiction, I'll second >>CoffeeMinion's comments about ways to expand it and remove the "Writeoff specific" aroma that imbues it now. There's always room for potty humor, after all. :)
Mike
If you want to take this to the next level and transfer it to FimFiction, I'll second >>CoffeeMinion's comments about ways to expand it and remove the "Writeoff specific" aroma that imbues it now. There's always room for potty humor, after all. :)
Mike
This one doesn't want to be taken seriously, so I won't even try. I can't like it, but the prose is sufficiently well-written and the comedy on-point that I must appreciate it. You got me to laugh.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PinoyPony
>>Baal Bunny
>>KwirkyJ
Wow.
This story is Just What It Says on the Can, which is where it might as well have been composed. I would apologize for inflicting it on you, but you gave it a bronze, you crazy sickos. Perfection.
I love all of you. Extra hugs to Kwirky and Pinoy; I'm sorry to have knocked you out of the running.
>>PinoyPony
>>Baal Bunny
>>KwirkyJ
Wow.
This story is Just What It Says on the Can, which is where it might as well have been composed. I would apologize for inflicting it on you, but you gave it a bronze, you crazy sickos. Perfection.
I love all of you. Extra hugs to Kwirky and Pinoy; I'm sorry to have knocked you out of the running.