Personally, this one's been hard to parse (at least from my viewpoint):

while Luna sits folded like origami on a pillow on the floor against the legs of the comfy chair

I'm a little confused at how she sitting? Is she laying down? Sitting up on her haunches?

Without a word, Luna circles her free hand around half the hem of her sweater, like a tupperware lid, and lifts. Every inch from the top of her pants to the folds of her sweater, where there should be an undershirt or her rich indigo skin, are layer upon layer of ivory white fabric girdling her torso. I hear a gasp and realize it must be mine.

Very confused with this also. Did she roll up her sweater? Undo a bandage?

"Cyanoacrylate," Luna mutters.

Why is she referencing an adhesive? (I had to look this one up)

This fic leaves more questions answered than unanswered. So, Luna is going through a phase of wearing bandages? Forgive me if I missed a detail, but I don't know what brought this on, and why in front of Macintosh, no least... I know it mentions that this is hardly a first time, but I feel like I'm peering into a room full of giggling teenagers and not understanding a word that they're saying, or more precisely, their 'lingo'. Also, Macintosh offers massages, which is definitely a first in this case, but why in the moment? was he provoked? Altogether, what's the reader supposed to take away from this piece?

Sorry if I seem overly harsh with this one. But as for the things I liked, the positive, I liked the interactions of (I presume Celestia, but I may be completely wrong) teasing Luna and the playful banter between the two. You've definitely got the relationship and emotional side of it right, it's just that some of the sentences need a bit of re-dressing (tried to make a bandage pun, but as you can see, totally failed at it).

I was every bit:

As confused as >>PinoyPony, I think. I had no idea who the narrator was until Luna calls her "sister," for instance, but I realized pretty quickly after that that it really didn't matter since none of the characters here seem to have anything to do with the characters whose names they're using. I mean, "alternate universe" is another fine and venerable genre, but to turn Celestia, Luna, and Big Mac into whoever these people are--I don't know; millennial hipsters?--seems more than a bit far afield for a My Little Pony fan fiction contest.

This would work much better for me in an "original fiction" round, but even then, it's more a scene than a story. The problem with Luna that's brought up at the beginning kind of gets resolved at the end, I guess, but I'm not sure how, and I'm not even sure what the problem is...

Mike

Pretty sure I've pondered over this story a lot longer than I would've liked. Don't take it as a bad thing, dear Author, it just means that what you have here is intriguing enough for me to try and wrap my head around the ideas it's going for. Nevertheless, coming out of it, I do find myself agreeing with >>Baal Bunny that this is a case of a story that seems to serve better as a scene of a larger whole.

Before I get into it though, there is something rather compelling about what I'm reading here. As with the rest of the stories this round, perhaps more so, this is very well-written, walking on a tightrope between intimacy and restraint that I think highlights your talent as a writer. The fact that it is written in the present tense provides it with a sense of urgency on Celestia's part, which helps to highlight how important this moment of bonding seems to be for everyone involved.

On that note, Celestia's voicing here is immaculately hers. There's a playfulness in her tone that masks her obvious concern and worry for her sister's wellbeing, though it's balanced terrifyingly well here, so much so that I can very easily see the sombre undertones of this story going over a lot of heads. The conversation taking place as well, it feels very sincere on everyone's part, and when the dramatic shift comes at the end with Macintosh offering Luna a massage, the sincerity comes together for a gentle resolution and leaves everything on a very hopeful note.

So, technicality-wise, I have no qualms with saying that you have done some great work here, dear Author. I think the scene itself is extremely well-constructed and written with a lot of thought and care. However, as much as I admire the extreme subtlety at play here, I think there is a lot of context missing as to how we got here in the first place that does hinder it a lot more than it should.

Right from the start, I found myself asking questions about how our characters came together in this scene. I mostly found myself wondering why Big Mac was chosen as a character for this piece instead of, say, Nurse Redheart. It feels rather odd to have him be so close to our sisters, though keep in mind I am not all that familiar with the EqG universe. Nevertheless, I do think it's important to highlight how he got to be here beyond his want to help the sisters out. On that note, I also don't think it's all that clear why he's really doing this in the first place. I guess there's a relationship established here that us readers did not get to see, and I think if we're fed a little bit more information about it, it should resolve a lot of lingering questions we would have about this in the first place.

As for the central predicament of this story, I think I get it? You might have to confirm it for me with this one, Author, because I'm making a few leaps and bounds here that does help clear up a lot of issues I had in previous reads. It certainly answers a lot of the questions my fellow reviewer >>PinoyPony has posed above, so I'll take a shot at guessing and see if I knocked it out of the park.

Luna's chest is bandaged because she has lymphodema, which probably stemmed from her getting treatment for breast cancer. Celestia has no idea on how to approach her sister at her most vulnerable, and instead had opted in the past to distance herself from the topic over facing it head-on, thus her cheekiness every time it's brought up. This story is basically her finally coming to terms with her sister's affliction with the help of Big Mac and gives her hope in reforging their sisterly bond that had been lost over the course of the illness.

Provided I'm correct, I would say it's certainly a very impressive undertaking to go into this comp with, dear Author. Nevertheless, I do think there is a lot of context missing for the themes of forgiveness at play here to really stab us in the heart. The noticeable absence of certain pieces of information right from the start leaves us with a lot of questions about what's happening rather than what the story is about, and it's because we're busy asking all these questions that it puts a damper on any emotional connection and progression us readers might've had with the characters in the first place.

Of course, to rectify that, it would be better for the story to have a clear start and a clearer ending in place. Like, maybe have Celestia ask someone else—Big Mac, in this case—pick Luna up from the hospital at the start and have it end with the sisters agreeing to talk things through after the third person had left, something like that. Basically, a scene in the beginning that provides the necessary context as to how our three characters came into this situation, and a scene at the end that gives us a look into how this moment helped them come closer to achieving what they want in the first place. It'll also come with the added benefit of getting us to spend more time with our trio and understand them on a more intimate level. Of course, it's quite a massive undertaking to go through, though I have no doubt you'll succeed.

All in all, this is a story that has an idea that is ultimately going to be stifled by the word count. Nevertheless, if my guess is correct, I think you have a great story in the works here, dear Author. Give it time to breathe, widen its focus a little more, I have no doubt of its potential to be a very cathartic read. Sadly though, one has to rank the story for what it is than what it could be in these WriteOffs. Hopefully, the final results don't dissuade you from further expanding this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Genre: Of Human Bondage

Thoughts:

Wow. Very powerful. A bit confusing, but powerful. It’s clear that Luna is in dire emotional pain. The acts and images of intimacy, however brief, are arresting. Celestia and Big Mac as a couple(?) is an unexpected choice, but it works. The brushing of his fingers on her knee is a gesture that I don’t run into often (and may have to steal cuz it’s good).

I find myself left with a Big Problem here. Simply put, I don’t think the part towards the end that’s trying to hint at what’s going on with Luna is clear enough. Unless she’s cutting on her whole body and supergluing it up? But then, why? What event has left her doing this? There’s a brief bit of narrative scaffolding, but IMO it’s notable primarily in its incompleteness.

However, that’s not to undercut the rest of this. There’s a strong core of emotion and physicality here that I’m grateful to have read. If you pick this up again after the Writeoff, I feel like a bit of further explanation would make this sing.

Tier: Almost There

Amending my previous statement

A different run-of-the-mill thing I’m posting, but I know I’ve got to do it before the round is over. I have something extra to say about this piece. Sorry if what I said before was brash and rude. But ever since >>WritingSpirit’s post, I have something different to say about this.

For some strange reason, the concept has been haunting my thoughts. The Paper lanterns, the Chinese takeout, the interaction between three unlikely ponies… it’s all been stuck in my head, in my daydreams. Yes, this concept is unfamiliar. As Baal put it… Alternate Universe.

The review I wrote before was visceral reaction due to the unfamiliarity of it. But it’s got this aspect of something that I’ve unfortunately have ran out of pretty quick: Imagination and Creativity. I find myself often constrained and sticking to old tricks instead of hopping into an unknown. This fic does that, explores and unknown what-if? Without the messy strings of sticking to canon.

Yes, the lack of context can ruin a story. But, author, if you do decide to expand it, I want to see where this road goes. Truly. Because, that’s the joy with stories like this, it’s a mystery box that is awaiting to be open. You may have some idea of what is in the box, but that’s the joy of it, the wonder of what’s next: the reveal.

>>PinoyPony
>>Baal Bunny
>>WritingSpirit
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PinoyPony

I wrote this work to give expression to some of the darkest places I have been, emotionally. It is meant as a combination of self-expression, cautionary tale, and educational material, and is perhaps one of my most personally-significant works to date. While none of the commenters came away with the intended "correct" interpretation, that it clearly affected all of them and compelled them to think deeply on it must be accepted as some form of tremendous success.

Coffee's inference that Luna is cutting her entire body is in my opinion extreme, but the text suggests it as possible and doesn't rule it out. WritingSpirit's perspective about cancer treatment is a riveting direction that I don't think fits my clues exactly yet is extremely powerful in its own way and that is another story definitely worth telling.

This piece is a scene that takes place in, and is intended to outline, a more complete story. Details and clues are packed in so tightly into this scene-atomic that I might argue that it's transuranic at this point... Clearly the decay radiation did plenty of damage.

I had hoped that the peek into Celestia's thoughts in the penultimate paragraph would spell things out adequately for the audience, but it is entirely possible 1. that there was information (or speculation) overload at that point and/or 2. that touch starvation and its effects – here taken to an extreme – is not sufficiently-common knowledge.

What the hell is going on?
Brace for footnotes.

This is set in an EQG universe experiencing a pandemic lockdown[1] not unlike our current times. Luna is experiencing intense depression[2,3,4], possibly engaging in self-harm[5], possibly descending into a form of psychosis[6], the root cause of which is from perceived isolation[11,13] and touch starvation[7]. Big Mac and Celestia[8] are comfortable with being intimate, if not in a relationship[9]. Celestia is aware that Luna is behaving oddly but hasn't connected all the dots[4,10,12]. On seeing what is meant by 'wearing bandages', Macintosh twigs to why she is doing so[citation needed], and with Luna revealing that she is physically in danger[5] he decides to act immediately on his (correct) guesswork and offers her the physical attention she so desperately needs; he then proceeds to draw Celestia into the solution. Seeing Luna's reaction taken with a change in perspective / jogged memory, Celestia starts seeing Luna's behavior not as a joke[12] or mere spectacle[13,14,15], but as expression of terrible pain, and takes the first steps to address it.

1- "we're stuck with each other's company these days" ... "rarely see [anyone]outside of grocery shopping and video meetings"

2- the inevitable oriental delivery

3- Luna crumples up again as she sits.

4- "it feels as though you're shutting me out"

5- "Cyanoacrylate"[16][17]

6- "To cover up all the dead-fish eyes and tentacle-filled mouths with."[18]

7- "she's been wearing bandages ... Some traditional far-eastern attire"
Luna, still blushing profusely, melts. Her shoulders sag. Her head slumps.
I see Luna tense again
Luna had always been big on physical contact ... I struggle to remember the last time she and I last touched ... the last time she'd had physical contact with anyone.

8- "I'm not an invalid, sister," Luna pouts

9- I lean into Mac
unfounded jealousy flares up in me
it's clear he's up to something
He ... [presses] on my leg. ... his fingertips [brush] to the very end of my knee

10- "it's always 'I'm fine' this and 'it doesn't concern you' that"
"If she actually needs the sling, though, I can't imagine how she—"

11- drawing our full attention

12- "Gesundheit," I answer playfully.

13- as if flaunting it

14- "Goodness, you're always so dramatic."

15- her bizarre medical aesthetic of bandages everywhere
"Not just like over scrape, or the eyepatch back in autumn, but actually wearing [bandages]."

16- A family of adhesive compounds, most popular as super glue. Again, among many other applications, it is used by athletes, military, veterinary and (increasingly) human medicine to close wounds. Most readers and Celestia are alike in not knowing what it is or what it implies, and this is was a deliberate choice here.

17- It is not specified from the text the number, nature, and source of any wounds that require Krazy Glue or DermaBond for treatment. Luna could be self-harming to a significant degree, could have picked up destructive ticks (picking, e.g.), or she could simply be careless/distracted and acquire cuts on frequent accident.

18- It is unclear in the text whether she actually believes there are "dead-fish eyes and tentacle-filled mouths" to cover up, or if she's trying to play off the awkwardness with some form of joke.

* Luna is wearing sarashi. In addition to its other uses (chest binding/support, abdominal bracing and protection in martial arts) the pressure around the entire torso stimulates the nervous system in ways similar to a hug. She is quite literally wearing a hug that she (thinks she) can't otherwise get, which Macintosh inexplicably recognizes/surmises.



For my own critique... it's hella dense. The story revolves around and through this scene, begging the reader to put the whole together – a task in reading comprehension that cannot be asked of everyone. Furthermore, a lot of meaningful and interesting information is completely absent from this work because of word ceiling and constricting first-person perspective.

There are a few really rough seams and/or oddities: The info-dump at the beginning is essential to provide the setting, but it stands out stylistically like a sore thumb. Similarly, the direct peek into Celestia's thoughts in the penultimate paragraph is the one time such a perspective happens. Mac's line "If you don't mind me saying so" also seems to come out of nowhere, only loosely connected with the 'spectacle' preceding it; similarly his offer of a massage.

The color of Luna's skin is not accurate – it should be a light greyish phthalo. I misremembered and didn't verify.

The format of first-person present-tense is a huge gamble. It perfectly conveys the restricted view Celestia has of the situation, and the limited/overlooked information of all the characters; it lends the sensation of immediacy/urgency of the scene in a way that past-tense would not. However, by limiting the reader's perspective, conveying all the essential details is much more difficult, of not impossible. If/when expanding into the ten thousand-word story it wants to be, transitioning to omniscient narrator could be very empowering for conveying information.

Even with EQG adults being "ambiguously-aged adult", one could reason that Mac and Celestia would probably have a large enough age gap to be weird. It's weird. On the subject, speaking to Baal's comment, my recollection is that the sisters have little to no characterization outside of their role of principle and vice-principle; while this isn't a blank check by any means, I argue that this characterization remains plausible in their (supposedly-)relaxed setting; I feel partially vindicated in this by WritingSpirit's comment about Celestia's voicing working for them.

PinoyPony, I'm sorry the descriptions lost you. Luna was sitting (that is explicitly stated); I envision it as seiza (on knees, in keeping with the oriental/Japanese motif), but cross-legged or on haunches (knees tucked up against her chest, perhaps?) would also fit. Luna lifted the sweater from below the waistline to under her bust – revealing her abdomen and the sarashi wrappings there... the 'circling the hem' was to hike up the fabric over the hips to have an easier job of showing off. I am grateful that you continued to ponder the piece and amend your original comments. (I see how you got paper lanterns out of it – not what I had in mind, but it's congruent!)

One more thing I wish to point out is how Big Mac approaches Luna, because it encapsulates a host of "best practices" about consent that so many people just don't know. He is specific about what he would do, and for how long. He acts only on an explicit affirmative or negative. He reminds her that she can make him stop at any time. In this specific instance, because of Luna's condition, he phrases his offer as 1. his desire to initiate contact, and 2. an 'opt-out' form of arrangement – in effect, reducing the burden/embarrassment/imposition of her having to initiate or sound like she is. His approach to involving Celestia is not perfect, as he doesn't gain explicit consent from Celestia to touch Luna, but he takes it as a given (and is again correct), seeing that they are sisters and they love each other.
* Freely given
* Retractable
* Informed
* Enthusiastic
* Specific

Finally, thank you all again for your thoughts and considerations.

>>KwirkyJ
It’s clear that the depths suggested in this piece are real. I hope you develop this further!

Wow I didn't phrase that well. I do indeed hope you continue developing this, given what you say about it being only one piece of what might become a longer story. But this clearly has depth, and has introduced me to ideas and experiences that I was not familiar with.

Thank you for writing this, and for explaining its meaning in greater detail.