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Times and Seasons
Applejack watched as Big Sugar rushed in with another basket of apples. While he did so without so much as a deep breath, she huffed as she set her load down next to the pile.
“Bloom! Let’s take a breather!” Applejack signaled to her sister. She then faced her nephew, waving a hoof in front of his eyes that were lost in the clouds―or the dirt ―for that matter. “That means, you too, sugarcube.”
Taking attention to what the others were doing, Big Sugar set down his load next to the cart.
“Walk with me, Big Sugar, I need to talk to you about something.” Applejack said, pointing down the aisle into the fields.
Once they were out of earshot, Applejack started, “So, Big Sugar, I noticed you’ve been extra helpful around the farm. I wanted to thank you for the job you’ve been doing.”
“Oh, you’re welcome, aunt Applejack!” Big Sugar scratched the back of his neck.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been very productive this month,” Applejack added. She kicked a stone down the gravely path. “It’s either that or I’m getting old.”
“You are still fit as a fiddle,” Big Sugar answered back.
Applejack smiled, laughed, and shook her head. “Your parents weren’t lying when they said you had prudence.”
Big Sugar chuckled.
Applejack pressed further, “I also seem to notice that you’ve been lost in thought a lot as you work. Sometimes I have to catch your attention.” She kicked the stone further down, where it ricocheted off the base of a tree and into a ditch. “I’ve haven’t brought it up much since your daydreaming hasn’t gotten in the way of your chores. But, ever since you're mind's been elsewhere, you’ve been a harder worker.”
“If it is too much, I can cut back on it…” Big Sugar offered.
“Thoughts and preoccupations can haunt us, sugarcube. They aren’t easy to get rid of.” Applejack waved off. “No, I brought you out here in private because I suspect something… I’ve had enough experience with my little sis that something’s a-hoof.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I’ve caught you on multiple occasions sneaking out at night.” Applejack pointed around the general vicinity. “Out here in the fields, sometimes I see the light of a lantern. Gives me the jitters thinking of what you are doing out here in the fields in the dead of night.”
Big Sugar’s cheeks grew rosy. “You really know how to cut to the chase, don’t you?”
“Sorry if mah style is rough an’ tough, but I don’t like it when somethin’ doesn’t feel right.” Applejack said. “I’m worried about you, sugarcube.”
“If I tell you, will you Pinkie promise not to tell mom and dad?” Big Sugar asked.
“Cross mah heart, sugarcube.” Applejack waved through the motions.
“I’m seeing a mare.” Big Sugar said, his words almost in the form of a whisper.
“A mare?” Applejack asked. It made some sense. The daydreaming. The renewed vigor and energy, despite having considerably less sleep. “Why here in the fields? I know your mom and dad can get carried away teasing you about your love life, but they all mean it in good fun, Sugarcube.”
“It’s not that, auntie. If they find out who I’m seeing, then they’ll freak out― you’ll freak out.” Big Sugar said.
“C’mon, Big, this is the Apples we are talking about. Your grandmother and granddad kept a marriage behind their families’ backs. We’d be understanding.”
“Right, but the mare I’m seeing might be a little extreme for the family.” Big Sugar said.
“In my experience, it’s best to let something out rather than keep it in.” Applejack pressed. “I’ve already Pinkie promised, go on then.”
“The daughter of Flim, Sprocket Heart.” Big Sugar blurted.
Silence pervaded the scene for a minute or two, the only sounds being the chirping of birds and the wind rushing through the branches of the orchard’ trees.
“Well, that’s quite a leap, Big, I can see why you don’t want your parents to know about that. The Apple and Pear metaphor might not do the feud between the Apple and Flim-Flam families justice.” Applejack said. “But, are you sure she’s the right one?”
“As sure as the day is from the night.” Big Sugar said. “Like her parents, she likes to invent things.” He looked at Applejack with a gleam in his eye. “She invented said lantern you see in the fields at night, which produces light brighter than any candle or torch I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, if you like her, I won’t stop you,” Applejack said, guiding the pair of them in a u-turn back. “But, eventually, you will need to tell your parents. Living like this can’t be best for your health.”
“I know. That’s what I’m fearing.” Big Sugar said. “But, if anything, thank you for being understanding.”
“I promise that your parents will share the same concern I do. But, I’ll help ya, even. Put in a good word and try to lighten them up by mentioning the Pear and Apple metaphor.”
“Thank you, aunt Applejack.” Big Sugar said. “Maybe I should take more walks with you.”
“Anytime, Sugar.” Applejack winked. "Heaven knows I need the exercise."
“Bloom! Let’s take a breather!” Applejack signaled to her sister. She then faced her nephew, waving a hoof in front of his eyes that were lost in the clouds―or the dirt ―for that matter. “That means, you too, sugarcube.”
Taking attention to what the others were doing, Big Sugar set down his load next to the cart.
“Walk with me, Big Sugar, I need to talk to you about something.” Applejack said, pointing down the aisle into the fields.
Once they were out of earshot, Applejack started, “So, Big Sugar, I noticed you’ve been extra helpful around the farm. I wanted to thank you for the job you’ve been doing.”
“Oh, you’re welcome, aunt Applejack!” Big Sugar scratched the back of his neck.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been very productive this month,” Applejack added. She kicked a stone down the gravely path. “It’s either that or I’m getting old.”
“You are still fit as a fiddle,” Big Sugar answered back.
Applejack smiled, laughed, and shook her head. “Your parents weren’t lying when they said you had prudence.”
Big Sugar chuckled.
Applejack pressed further, “I also seem to notice that you’ve been lost in thought a lot as you work. Sometimes I have to catch your attention.” She kicked the stone further down, where it ricocheted off the base of a tree and into a ditch. “I’ve haven’t brought it up much since your daydreaming hasn’t gotten in the way of your chores. But, ever since you're mind's been elsewhere, you’ve been a harder worker.”
“If it is too much, I can cut back on it…” Big Sugar offered.
“Thoughts and preoccupations can haunt us, sugarcube. They aren’t easy to get rid of.” Applejack waved off. “No, I brought you out here in private because I suspect something… I’ve had enough experience with my little sis that something’s a-hoof.”
“Like what?”
“Well, I’ve caught you on multiple occasions sneaking out at night.” Applejack pointed around the general vicinity. “Out here in the fields, sometimes I see the light of a lantern. Gives me the jitters thinking of what you are doing out here in the fields in the dead of night.”
Big Sugar’s cheeks grew rosy. “You really know how to cut to the chase, don’t you?”
“Sorry if mah style is rough an’ tough, but I don’t like it when somethin’ doesn’t feel right.” Applejack said. “I’m worried about you, sugarcube.”
“If I tell you, will you Pinkie promise not to tell mom and dad?” Big Sugar asked.
“Cross mah heart, sugarcube.” Applejack waved through the motions.
“I’m seeing a mare.” Big Sugar said, his words almost in the form of a whisper.
“A mare?” Applejack asked. It made some sense. The daydreaming. The renewed vigor and energy, despite having considerably less sleep. “Why here in the fields? I know your mom and dad can get carried away teasing you about your love life, but they all mean it in good fun, Sugarcube.”
“It’s not that, auntie. If they find out who I’m seeing, then they’ll freak out― you’ll freak out.” Big Sugar said.
“C’mon, Big, this is the Apples we are talking about. Your grandmother and granddad kept a marriage behind their families’ backs. We’d be understanding.”
“Right, but the mare I’m seeing might be a little extreme for the family.” Big Sugar said.
“In my experience, it’s best to let something out rather than keep it in.” Applejack pressed. “I’ve already Pinkie promised, go on then.”
“The daughter of Flim, Sprocket Heart.” Big Sugar blurted.
Silence pervaded the scene for a minute or two, the only sounds being the chirping of birds and the wind rushing through the branches of the orchard’ trees.
“Well, that’s quite a leap, Big, I can see why you don’t want your parents to know about that. The Apple and Pear metaphor might not do the feud between the Apple and Flim-Flam families justice.” Applejack said. “But, are you sure she’s the right one?”
“As sure as the day is from the night.” Big Sugar said. “Like her parents, she likes to invent things.” He looked at Applejack with a gleam in his eye. “She invented said lantern you see in the fields at night, which produces light brighter than any candle or torch I’ve ever seen.”
“Well, if you like her, I won’t stop you,” Applejack said, guiding the pair of them in a u-turn back. “But, eventually, you will need to tell your parents. Living like this can’t be best for your health.”
“I know. That’s what I’m fearing.” Big Sugar said. “But, if anything, thank you for being understanding.”
“I promise that your parents will share the same concern I do. But, I’ll help ya, even. Put in a good word and try to lighten them up by mentioning the Pear and Apple metaphor.”
“Thank you, aunt Applejack.” Big Sugar said. “Maybe I should take more walks with you.”
“Anytime, Sugar.” Applejack winked. "Heaven knows I need the exercise."
A nice little scene:
It's almost painfully straight-forward, though, without much in the way of complications. The story's single issue gets introduced and immediately resolved without us hearing any of AJ's internal deliberations. I'd recommend expanding this by adding an earlier scene where we get to see the expanded Apple family in a prickly interaction with the expanded Flimflam family--are there wives and other children involved? That'll increase the tension for the scene here and also let us get an idea of Sprocket Heart--great name, by the way--for ourselves.
Also, usually in stories with AJ, I find myself tripping over the author's attempts to reproduce her accent: awful things like "Ah" instead of "I"--and that applies to "mah" instead of "my," too, something gets me frowny--or dropping all the "g"s from the ends of "ing" words. Here, I'd actually like more indications of her unique speaking style. A line like “I’ve noticed that you’ve been very productive this month” sounds very formal in AJ's mouth: maybe something more like "I notice you been mighty productive this month," saying the same thing but with words and constructions that're more along the lines of the way she talks in the show.
Still, like I said, nicely done.
Mike
It's almost painfully straight-forward, though, without much in the way of complications. The story's single issue gets introduced and immediately resolved without us hearing any of AJ's internal deliberations. I'd recommend expanding this by adding an earlier scene where we get to see the expanded Apple family in a prickly interaction with the expanded Flimflam family--are there wives and other children involved? That'll increase the tension for the scene here and also let us get an idea of Sprocket Heart--great name, by the way--for ourselves.
Also, usually in stories with AJ, I find myself tripping over the author's attempts to reproduce her accent: awful things like "Ah" instead of "I"--and that applies to "mah" instead of "my," too, something gets me frowny--or dropping all the "g"s from the ends of "ing" words. Here, I'd actually like more indications of her unique speaking style. A line like “I’ve noticed that you’ve been very productive this month” sounds very formal in AJ's mouth: maybe something more like "I notice you been mighty productive this month," saying the same thing but with words and constructions that're more along the lines of the way she talks in the show.
Still, like I said, nicely done.
Mike
Now, this here's a fairly simple story. Rather compelling too when I consider how it touches on elements that are inherently familiar yet has a narrative that is holistically different altogether. Between you and me, dear Author, I believe such an approach comes too rarely on FimFiction nowadays, and it is on that note that I can safely say you have something that has potential here, no question.
Regardless, it being simple means the cracks in between are easy to pinpoint, and sure enough, what's presented here does leave a lot to be desired. Though there is a central conflict present, it feels like it's resolved itself all too quickly before even the story began. We don't really get a clear look at the circumstances surrounding this story that allowed it to happen the way it did, so much so that it all feels rather vague and disconnected. Stuff does happen and the story does move forward, yet most of it feels weightless. There's not really a strong atmosphere surrounding this story for the readers to sink into, as if we're only here to assess the journey and not truly experience it.
Some part of me thinks that's sort of the point. That Applejack believes Big Sugar was mature enough to handle this without any intervention. That she has decided her role, and to a greater extent ours, is relegated to that of an outsider looking in and not interfere in the decisions Big Sugar will be making. If so, I think a larger emphasis on Applejack's thought process as >>Baal Bunny had pointed out would be extremely helpful on that note. I would be very interested in what's going on her mind if this was the case.
On a more technical note, the dialogue does start off rather strong in the beginning, though somewhere past the middle it does start to falter a little. Big Sugar's voicing in the latter half especially feels rather awkward—the line “She invented said lantern you see in the fields at night, which produces light brighter than any candle or torch I’ve ever seen.” is a particularly blatant example of this.
Of course, there is I think a larger conceptual problem at play here that I want to point out as something to think about in the future. To be clear, it's not going to affect my view or rating about the story as it is. Just thought it would be helpful to you should you choose to expand this story going forward, dear Author. If you wanna leave the story in the singular scene that it is, then you can completely disregard the next paragraph entirely.
Now, the story's concept at its core primarily hinges on a past event: the feud between the Apples and the Pears, and all that comes after that fact as per the show's canon. The story also explicitly mentions that the feud between the Apples and the Flim Flam family is in some ways worse than that, which I believe helps set it part to an extent. The challenge here, I believe, is how to approach and expand this story of Big Sugar and Sprocket Heart's relationship in a way that doesn't feel derivative of the show's portrayal of the relationship between Bright Mac and Pear Butter. In other words, how is this story going to be different than what we've seen already? How would you tell this story so that it doesn't feel like a contrived facsimile of the other?
All in all, it's a good story that presents some interesting ideas with a heartfelt, homely approach, though the devil in the details, or lack thereof, does muzzle its effectiveness much more than I would've liked. Nevertheless, with a few embellishments here and there, you'd have a very capable story in your hands.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Regardless, it being simple means the cracks in between are easy to pinpoint, and sure enough, what's presented here does leave a lot to be desired. Though there is a central conflict present, it feels like it's resolved itself all too quickly before even the story began. We don't really get a clear look at the circumstances surrounding this story that allowed it to happen the way it did, so much so that it all feels rather vague and disconnected. Stuff does happen and the story does move forward, yet most of it feels weightless. There's not really a strong atmosphere surrounding this story for the readers to sink into, as if we're only here to assess the journey and not truly experience it.
Some part of me thinks that's sort of the point. That Applejack believes Big Sugar was mature enough to handle this without any intervention. That she has decided her role, and to a greater extent ours, is relegated to that of an outsider looking in and not interfere in the decisions Big Sugar will be making. If so, I think a larger emphasis on Applejack's thought process as >>Baal Bunny had pointed out would be extremely helpful on that note. I would be very interested in what's going on her mind if this was the case.
On a more technical note, the dialogue does start off rather strong in the beginning, though somewhere past the middle it does start to falter a little. Big Sugar's voicing in the latter half especially feels rather awkward—the line “She invented said lantern you see in the fields at night, which produces light brighter than any candle or torch I’ve ever seen.” is a particularly blatant example of this.
Of course, there is I think a larger conceptual problem at play here that I want to point out as something to think about in the future. To be clear, it's not going to affect my view or rating about the story as it is. Just thought it would be helpful to you should you choose to expand this story going forward, dear Author. If you wanna leave the story in the singular scene that it is, then you can completely disregard the next paragraph entirely.
Now, the story's concept at its core primarily hinges on a past event: the feud between the Apples and the Pears, and all that comes after that fact as per the show's canon. The story also explicitly mentions that the feud between the Apples and the Flim Flam family is in some ways worse than that, which I believe helps set it part to an extent. The challenge here, I believe, is how to approach and expand this story of Big Sugar and Sprocket Heart's relationship in a way that doesn't feel derivative of the show's portrayal of the relationship between Bright Mac and Pear Butter. In other words, how is this story going to be different than what we've seen already? How would you tell this story so that it doesn't feel like a contrived facsimile of the other?
All in all, it's a good story that presents some interesting ideas with a heartfelt, homely approach, though the devil in the details, or lack thereof, does muzzle its effectiveness much more than I would've liked. Nevertheless, with a few embellishments here and there, you'd have a very capable story in your hands.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Genre: Slice-of-Sugar
Thoughts: I think it’s relevant to view this in the context of the prompt. Applejack and Sugar are pointing straight at the inevitable conversation that’s going to end up happening sooner or later. We see Applejack being a good aunt, and Sugar being a kid on the cusp of growing up. Others have pointed at the moment’s straightforwardness, but the point of the story seems less about the actions happening herein, and more about the characters and their relationships. I do feel that the limited scope of the tale makes it stand out a bit less than it could this round. But I think this does what it’s trying to do.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I think it’s relevant to view this in the context of the prompt. Applejack and Sugar are pointing straight at the inevitable conversation that’s going to end up happening sooner or later. We see Applejack being a good aunt, and Sugar being a kid on the cusp of growing up. Others have pointed at the moment’s straightforwardness, but the point of the story seems less about the actions happening herein, and more about the characters and their relationships. I do feel that the limited scope of the tale makes it stand out a bit less than it could this round. But I think this does what it’s trying to do.
Tier: Almost There
The heart of this story is in its interaction between family members, but there is little to no meat to speak of. The 'conflict' such as the story centers on is a combination of Big Sugar working up the nerve to tell Applajack whom he is seeing, and Applejack's reaction... as Applejack's reaction is – after a moment of silent thought – nothing short of complete acceptance, Sugar's trepidation seems unwarranted; however, we are also lead to believe that Applejack's reaction is not indicative of the family at large. The idea works, but in a format such as this feels boring, as none of the tension pays off.
At the very least, I would have liked to be able to trace Applejack's thoughts in that silent minute or two. You can gain a huge word budget by cutting away all the window dressing before Sugar's line, "I'm seeing a mare."
Not much more I feel the need to comment about here. Keep at it, and thanks for writing!
At the very least, I would have liked to be able to trace Applejack's thoughts in that silent minute or two. You can gain a huge word budget by cutting away all the window dressing before Sugar's line, "I'm seeing a mare."
Not much more I feel the need to comment about here. Keep at it, and thanks for writing!
Times and Seasons – In Retrospect
Just an empty shell of potential, isn’t it?
Of course, I could use my favorite scapegoat of the word limit, but with plenty of room left (over 250 words), it’s not going to fly. I should probably should stop blaming the word limit anyway and take responsibility for my actions.
>>Baal Bunny
There is definitely a lot to improve. I should’ve mentioned a prickly situation before like you mentioned (I mean, Flim and Flam seemed pretty static characters and they probably would stick to their old tricks).
Atop that, I should probs practice Applejack’s voicing down more often, since I always tend to not give it enough finesse. Part of me said not to worry about her voicing because I feel it’d be too on the nose and seemed like I was trying to embellish. But, now I know that I should probably give it my best shot, maybe try to make it too apparent. Who knows? I might be able to find that ‘goldilocks’ spot by accident.
>>WritingSpirit
You’ve got down to the root of the problem: it’s way too simple. Cut, Rinse, Repeat. It has a draw to it, but lets the reader down in the same aspect a bag of chips does: when you get to the end, you think ‘that’s all?’ and proceed to look for crumbs.
First things first and that is addressing the viewpoint and thought process of Applejack. You guessed correct with ‘Applejack believes Big Sugar to be mature enough to handle it on his own… with a little push of course’. I’m not sure if there’s a technical term for it, but there’s a phenomenon where the parent gets more and more lenient with each kid they raise. Strictest on the oldest, lax on the youngest. Since she’s had previous experience with Applebloom, she knows exactly what to do for her nephew. Give her a little more dimensionality, such as furthering the Applebloom and Big Sugar getting into trouble metaphor, add character and charm instead of a detached relationship.
Baal already went over the technicalities of voicing and dialogue, so as I said before, I probs need to get some practice if I’m going to master a scene with both of them in it.
But, at the very core, I need to develop the storyline a little bit more. The Apple and Pear and Apple and Flim-Flam relations are similar in nature, but not quite. I need to put in some key differences which will make Big Sugar hesitate even more mentioning his relationship with Sprocket Heart. I trust that creating scenes where there is more bad blood between the Flim-Flam and Apple would be in line. Especially since Flim and Flam are canonically deceptive.
Thank you for your review! Just what I needed!
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you for your kind review. Yes, the fic does what is needs to, but it’s too simple to stand out. I guess part of the problem of it’s simplicity is that I’m always trying to compensate so I’m in context of the prompt. Soon enough though, I’ll probs get used to it.
>>KwirkyJ
I agree it’s hard to review when you are re-iterating what others have said. Partially what stopped me from faux-reviewing my own piece this round. But, if it’s any help, in my experience, what you did with your review works just fine! Take the same idea from an earlier review, but in your perspective. Bring something new to the table. Just like your idea that the pause could be filled with Applejack’s private thoughts. I agree that its a bad habit of mine, and I need to add a little more to 'pause' scenes.
Verdict
Definitely one that I think should go down the fimfic pipe, but due to the sheer amount of improvement that needs to be made, It’s pretty far down that list.
Just an empty shell of potential, isn’t it?
Of course, I could use my favorite scapegoat of the word limit, but with plenty of room left (over 250 words), it’s not going to fly. I should probably should stop blaming the word limit anyway and take responsibility for my actions.
>>Baal Bunny
There is definitely a lot to improve. I should’ve mentioned a prickly situation before like you mentioned (I mean, Flim and Flam seemed pretty static characters and they probably would stick to their old tricks).
Atop that, I should probs practice Applejack’s voicing down more often, since I always tend to not give it enough finesse. Part of me said not to worry about her voicing because I feel it’d be too on the nose and seemed like I was trying to embellish. But, now I know that I should probably give it my best shot, maybe try to make it too apparent. Who knows? I might be able to find that ‘goldilocks’ spot by accident.
>>WritingSpirit
You’ve got down to the root of the problem: it’s way too simple. Cut, Rinse, Repeat. It has a draw to it, but lets the reader down in the same aspect a bag of chips does: when you get to the end, you think ‘that’s all?’ and proceed to look for crumbs.
First things first and that is addressing the viewpoint and thought process of Applejack. You guessed correct with ‘Applejack believes Big Sugar to be mature enough to handle it on his own… with a little push of course’. I’m not sure if there’s a technical term for it, but there’s a phenomenon where the parent gets more and more lenient with each kid they raise. Strictest on the oldest, lax on the youngest. Since she’s had previous experience with Applebloom, she knows exactly what to do for her nephew. Give her a little more dimensionality, such as furthering the Applebloom and Big Sugar getting into trouble metaphor, add character and charm instead of a detached relationship.
Baal already went over the technicalities of voicing and dialogue, so as I said before, I probs need to get some practice if I’m going to master a scene with both of them in it.
But, at the very core, I need to develop the storyline a little bit more. The Apple and Pear and Apple and Flim-Flam relations are similar in nature, but not quite. I need to put in some key differences which will make Big Sugar hesitate even more mentioning his relationship with Sprocket Heart. I trust that creating scenes where there is more bad blood between the Flim-Flam and Apple would be in line. Especially since Flim and Flam are canonically deceptive.
Thank you for your review! Just what I needed!
>>CoffeeMinion
Thank you for your kind review. Yes, the fic does what is needs to, but it’s too simple to stand out. I guess part of the problem of it’s simplicity is that I’m always trying to compensate so I’m in context of the prompt. Soon enough though, I’ll probs get used to it.
>>KwirkyJ
I agree it’s hard to review when you are re-iterating what others have said. Partially what stopped me from faux-reviewing my own piece this round. But, if it’s any help, in my experience, what you did with your review works just fine! Take the same idea from an earlier review, but in your perspective. Bring something new to the table. Just like your idea that the pause could be filled with Applejack’s private thoughts. I agree that its a bad habit of mine, and I need to add a little more to 'pause' scenes.
Verdict
Definitely one that I think should go down the fimfic pipe, but due to the sheer amount of improvement that needs to be made, It’s pretty far down that list.