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The "Us" in "Do Well"
Twilight’s eyebrows climbed as she watched her burly guards drag the intruder before her throne. It struggled only a little, likely due to their roughness; she’d have Gallus speak to them again about that. But then it wasn’t every day they caught a nameless pony covered in head-to-tail wrappings wandering around Canterlot Castle.
But while the pony was unknown, its getup was uncannily familiar. The wide-brimmed purple hat, all-encompassing purple bodysuit, purple cape, and purple tail wrap, seemed ripped out of Twilight’s distant memory. Her mind was drawn to one sunny day, decades before, when she and her friends had felt Rainbow Dash needed to learn something.
Twilight rose to her full, commanding height, and searched the whited-out lenses covering its eyes, seeking anything she could recognize. But the figure merely stood silent, gazing back at her.
“You look like Mare-Do-Well,” Twilight said.
The figure nodded.
“Who are you?”
Silence.
Twilight glanced between the sharp eyes of her two young guards, and the faded blue of Gallus’ age-withered face next to them. Gallus raised a claw and cleared his throat. “They couldn’t get anything out of her either, Princess. But she passed our thaumic safety checks, and doesn’t seem like an overt threat… no matter how weird this all is.”
A dull ache grew in Twilight’s heart as she thought more of the friends who’d inspired their Mare-Do-Well misadventure. She strode down from her dias, approaching the figure. Its gaze tracked her, but it did not move otherwise. Fighting down her uncertainty about what she should make of the pony, Twilight strode right up to it, and stopped almost face-to-face.
“Will you show me who you are?”
It cocked its head.
“Please. The likeness… is haunting.”
They regarded each other at length before the figure reached up and removed its hat. It tugged at a strand of wrapping that Twilight hadn’t noticed behind its head. Then it nodded toward her, and gestured with the strand.
After a few more heartbeats, Twilight lit her horn and tugged at it. Her breath caught as the top of the pony’s mask peeled off, which had heretofore seemed like a single, smooth piece. More alarming, though, was the absence of pony underneath. Soon even her guards took notice, shouting and readying their spears, as the whole figure unraveled, loop by loop, revealing…
Nothing.
There was only a hat, and a pile of wrappings.
Gallus’ expression of shock echoed Twilight’s feelings, but the griffon was quick to recover. “Seal off the throne room,” he barked to the gathered guards. “Set up a perimeter around—”
“Hold on,” Twilight said, closing her eyes and extending a sensory spell into the figure’s remains. Something old lay at the center of it. Something warm, familiar, distant. “I… don’t think it’s a threat.”
“If it can appear and disappear through our wards, it’s a threat,” Gallus said.
But Twilight shook her head. “Not this. Gallus… prepare an escort. We’re heading down the mountain.”
“Princess?”
She furrowed her brows. “I think this was sent by the Treehouse of Harmony.”
The flight down from Canterlot to the Castle of the Two Sisters was not one that Twilight took often. Not that she left the mountain much at all these days. Peace had long since overtaken Equestria and its neighbors, opening up a new richness of daily life for her ponies and other creatures, while creating new bureaucratic headaches that needed attending. There were festivals to plan, cultural events to approve, trade deals to oversee, and no shortage of obscure research to conduct from the comfort of her own chambers.
And fewer creatures she knew well outside those chambers.
She kept her eyes fixed on Gallus as they descended toward the overgrown patch of Everfree that encompassed the castle, feeling a pang of impending loss for him as well. Though he was still an able flier, he was far from the powerful fighter he’d been in his prime. So much so that she knew he’d feel guilty if she hadn’t ordered him to bring guardsponies on what ought to be a more private trip.
They alit in the shattered rotunda at the center of the castle. Gallus ordered some of the guards to take up positions while he, Twilight, and a few others picked their way through the dusty ruins. Twilight didn’t know the way, but let Gallus lead them through the castle’s twists and turns with quiet confidence.
“How long has it been?” Twilight asked, breaking the silence.
Gallus grunted. “A long time, since me and the others.”
“How about just you?”
He didn’t answer for a moment. “Only once, since Silverstream.”
“Of… of course.” Twilight wracked her brain for what to say. “It’s… hard, missing them. All of them.” He gave her a plaintive expression, and she was quick to add: “Even more with her, I know. I’m… sorry.”
“Don’t be. We all knew you and Spike would be the last. Didn’t count on Smolder going when she did, but I guess she went out doing what she loved.” He plodded on a bit further. “Didn’t figure it’d be me left, of the rest of us.”
“I guess, me neither. A—and I don’t mean that a bad way!”
He chuckled. “I get you. Wait… hold on, that doesn’t look like sunlight.”
Twilight saw it, too: a pale glow emanating from around the corner of a chamber up ahead. She lit her horn and tried to sense what it was, and felt her eyebrows climb at the flicker of harmonic resonance. “I don’t understand. I thought you said the Treehouse had gone silent…”
“It had!” Gallus turned wide eyes on her. “You’re telling me—”
“I can’t be sure.” Twilight quickened her pace, and both Gallus and the accompanying guards matched her.
Around the corner they went, taking in the sight of the Treehouse. Though decrepit and shattered in places, it gave off a faint glow. Twilight and Gallus approached it, each touching a forehoof or foreclaw against it.
“Warm,” Gallus said. “It hasn’t been warm… in years. Not since I was a kid.”
“I’m here,” Twilight said, giving the structure an appraising look. “You called me here.”
“U—” barked an utterance in Twilight’s own voice. She herself took a step back. “U—”
Gallus met Twilight’s eyes. “Uh?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“U—” it vocalized again.
“Uh… up?” Twilight guessed, glancing at the cavern’s root-encrusted ceiling high above. “Under?”
“U—” There was a pause, then a great flash of light. “Us.”
The Treehouse faded to darkness.
Gallus pressed his claw to it again. “Twilight. Sorry… Princess. It’s going cold.”
Twilight touched her hoof next to his claw, soaking in the crystal’s chill. “Us?”
Silence.
Gallus took a step back. “Us. You… and me.”
“What do you mean?”
He touched a claw to his chin. “You said, ‘I’m here.’ But it was us. Not just you.”
“It… oh.” Twilight took a step back as well, letting her eyes linger on the faded crystal. “You’re right. Or it’s right. It’s not just me, it’s… us.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re getting more out of this than I am?”
A sad smile touched Twilight’s lips. Memories of her friends continued to swirl through her head. And not just of presiding over their funerals, but of the good times, too. Of summers long past, and silly costumes, and trying to teach lessons, however inexpertly at times.
“I’ll tell you what I think it means,” Twilight said, letting warmth spread through her smile.
But while the pony was unknown, its getup was uncannily familiar. The wide-brimmed purple hat, all-encompassing purple bodysuit, purple cape, and purple tail wrap, seemed ripped out of Twilight’s distant memory. Her mind was drawn to one sunny day, decades before, when she and her friends had felt Rainbow Dash needed to learn something.
Twilight rose to her full, commanding height, and searched the whited-out lenses covering its eyes, seeking anything she could recognize. But the figure merely stood silent, gazing back at her.
“You look like Mare-Do-Well,” Twilight said.
The figure nodded.
“Who are you?”
Silence.
Twilight glanced between the sharp eyes of her two young guards, and the faded blue of Gallus’ age-withered face next to them. Gallus raised a claw and cleared his throat. “They couldn’t get anything out of her either, Princess. But she passed our thaumic safety checks, and doesn’t seem like an overt threat… no matter how weird this all is.”
A dull ache grew in Twilight’s heart as she thought more of the friends who’d inspired their Mare-Do-Well misadventure. She strode down from her dias, approaching the figure. Its gaze tracked her, but it did not move otherwise. Fighting down her uncertainty about what she should make of the pony, Twilight strode right up to it, and stopped almost face-to-face.
“Will you show me who you are?”
It cocked its head.
“Please. The likeness… is haunting.”
They regarded each other at length before the figure reached up and removed its hat. It tugged at a strand of wrapping that Twilight hadn’t noticed behind its head. Then it nodded toward her, and gestured with the strand.
After a few more heartbeats, Twilight lit her horn and tugged at it. Her breath caught as the top of the pony’s mask peeled off, which had heretofore seemed like a single, smooth piece. More alarming, though, was the absence of pony underneath. Soon even her guards took notice, shouting and readying their spears, as the whole figure unraveled, loop by loop, revealing…
Nothing.
There was only a hat, and a pile of wrappings.
Gallus’ expression of shock echoed Twilight’s feelings, but the griffon was quick to recover. “Seal off the throne room,” he barked to the gathered guards. “Set up a perimeter around—”
“Hold on,” Twilight said, closing her eyes and extending a sensory spell into the figure’s remains. Something old lay at the center of it. Something warm, familiar, distant. “I… don’t think it’s a threat.”
“If it can appear and disappear through our wards, it’s a threat,” Gallus said.
But Twilight shook her head. “Not this. Gallus… prepare an escort. We’re heading down the mountain.”
“Princess?”
She furrowed her brows. “I think this was sent by the Treehouse of Harmony.”
The flight down from Canterlot to the Castle of the Two Sisters was not one that Twilight took often. Not that she left the mountain much at all these days. Peace had long since overtaken Equestria and its neighbors, opening up a new richness of daily life for her ponies and other creatures, while creating new bureaucratic headaches that needed attending. There were festivals to plan, cultural events to approve, trade deals to oversee, and no shortage of obscure research to conduct from the comfort of her own chambers.
And fewer creatures she knew well outside those chambers.
She kept her eyes fixed on Gallus as they descended toward the overgrown patch of Everfree that encompassed the castle, feeling a pang of impending loss for him as well. Though he was still an able flier, he was far from the powerful fighter he’d been in his prime. So much so that she knew he’d feel guilty if she hadn’t ordered him to bring guardsponies on what ought to be a more private trip.
They alit in the shattered rotunda at the center of the castle. Gallus ordered some of the guards to take up positions while he, Twilight, and a few others picked their way through the dusty ruins. Twilight didn’t know the way, but let Gallus lead them through the castle’s twists and turns with quiet confidence.
“How long has it been?” Twilight asked, breaking the silence.
Gallus grunted. “A long time, since me and the others.”
“How about just you?”
He didn’t answer for a moment. “Only once, since Silverstream.”
“Of… of course.” Twilight wracked her brain for what to say. “It’s… hard, missing them. All of them.” He gave her a plaintive expression, and she was quick to add: “Even more with her, I know. I’m… sorry.”
“Don’t be. We all knew you and Spike would be the last. Didn’t count on Smolder going when she did, but I guess she went out doing what she loved.” He plodded on a bit further. “Didn’t figure it’d be me left, of the rest of us.”
“I guess, me neither. A—and I don’t mean that a bad way!”
He chuckled. “I get you. Wait… hold on, that doesn’t look like sunlight.”
Twilight saw it, too: a pale glow emanating from around the corner of a chamber up ahead. She lit her horn and tried to sense what it was, and felt her eyebrows climb at the flicker of harmonic resonance. “I don’t understand. I thought you said the Treehouse had gone silent…”
“It had!” Gallus turned wide eyes on her. “You’re telling me—”
“I can’t be sure.” Twilight quickened her pace, and both Gallus and the accompanying guards matched her.
Around the corner they went, taking in the sight of the Treehouse. Though decrepit and shattered in places, it gave off a faint glow. Twilight and Gallus approached it, each touching a forehoof or foreclaw against it.
“Warm,” Gallus said. “It hasn’t been warm… in years. Not since I was a kid.”
“I’m here,” Twilight said, giving the structure an appraising look. “You called me here.”
“U—” barked an utterance in Twilight’s own voice. She herself took a step back. “U—”
Gallus met Twilight’s eyes. “Uh?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
“U—” it vocalized again.
“Uh… up?” Twilight guessed, glancing at the cavern’s root-encrusted ceiling high above. “Under?”
“U—” There was a pause, then a great flash of light. “Us.”
The Treehouse faded to darkness.
Gallus pressed his claw to it again. “Twilight. Sorry… Princess. It’s going cold.”
Twilight touched her hoof next to his claw, soaking in the crystal’s chill. “Us?”
Silence.
Gallus took a step back. “Us. You… and me.”
“What do you mean?”
He touched a claw to his chin. “You said, ‘I’m here.’ But it was us. Not just you.”
“It… oh.” Twilight took a step back as well, letting her eyes linger on the faded crystal. “You’re right. Or it’s right. It’s not just me, it’s… us.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re getting more out of this than I am?”
A sad smile touched Twilight’s lips. Memories of her friends continued to swirl through her head. And not just of presiding over their funerals, but of the good times, too. Of summers long past, and silly costumes, and trying to teach lessons, however inexpertly at times.
“I’ll tell you what I think it means,” Twilight said, letting warmth spread through her smile.
First Impressions:
Way to start off the round! This piece is polished (at least in my eyes) to the point where it has a clear direction of where it wants to go. Usually the integrity of a piece can make or break a round for me, and this one does well! (Pun intended). The emotions and the setting are picturesque and convey an energy to it that give it character. I, for one, do picture the pallid chambers of the Castle, casting grey light upon the faces of our aged heroes. Kinda emanates despair and sorrow, but in the same fashion, a warmth in the memories and the light given off by the treehouse of harmony.
Now, as for the meaning of the treehouse of harmony saying 'Us', I'm a little lost. Sorry, but I may be too daft to see the deeper meaning of it. But, I may amend my statement later. This is first impressions, after all, and I don't know how the rest of this round is going to go, so a revisit may do it justice. For now, this review will suffice.
Way to start off the round! This piece is polished (at least in my eyes) to the point where it has a clear direction of where it wants to go. Usually the integrity of a piece can make or break a round for me, and this one does well! (Pun intended). The emotions and the setting are picturesque and convey an energy to it that give it character. I, for one, do picture the pallid chambers of the Castle, casting grey light upon the faces of our aged heroes. Kinda emanates despair and sorrow, but in the same fashion, a warmth in the memories and the light given off by the treehouse of harmony.
Now, as for the meaning of the treehouse of harmony saying 'Us', I'm a little lost. Sorry, but I may be too daft to see the deeper meaning of it. But, I may amend my statement later. This is first impressions, after all, and I don't know how the rest of this round is going to go, so a revisit may do it justice. For now, this review will suffice.
Okay, I think I get it.
As with the rest, here's another story that has a bold concept and an even bolder approach to go with it. I must admit, the story's central narrative is a little more obtuse than I would've liked—Twilight being extra cheeky about it at the very end did frustrate me to a certain degree as well—but I cannot deny how cohesive it all comes together in the end. Of course, that's if my interpretation of this story is accurate, that Mare-Do-Well showing up serves as a message of assurance from her deceased friends from the afterlife with the Treehouse of Harmony acting as a conduit between them.
In that case, I think most of what you have here is already pretty great, dear Author. Most of the groundwork has been laid here already. I could give you several more paragraphs on how to improve the story as a whole but I think I can sum them all up by saying let us see more of the world. Let us see, from their eyes, what their lives are like and how it colours the sights and sounds around them as the story progresses. In other words, show us more of what's happening as the story goes along. Let the themes of the story resonate in the locale as it does in its concept.
Then again, I could be wrong and the story isn't what I think it is. Still, I liked it when it's around. It has a lot of heart and the vision for it comes across as one that's clear from the outset. When my only complaint about it is that I want to see more of it, that's when you know you have something of great potential in your hands here. Very good stuff, dear Author.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
As with the rest, here's another story that has a bold concept and an even bolder approach to go with it. I must admit, the story's central narrative is a little more obtuse than I would've liked—Twilight being extra cheeky about it at the very end did frustrate me to a certain degree as well—but I cannot deny how cohesive it all comes together in the end. Of course, that's if my interpretation of this story is accurate, that Mare-Do-Well showing up serves as a message of assurance from her deceased friends from the afterlife with the Treehouse of Harmony acting as a conduit between them.
In that case, I think most of what you have here is already pretty great, dear Author. Most of the groundwork has been laid here already. I could give you several more paragraphs on how to improve the story as a whole but I think I can sum them all up by saying let us see more of the world. Let us see, from their eyes, what their lives are like and how it colours the sights and sounds around them as the story progresses. In other words, show us more of what's happening as the story goes along. Let the themes of the story resonate in the locale as it does in its concept.
Then again, I could be wrong and the story isn't what I think it is. Still, I liked it when it's around. It has a lot of heart and the vision for it comes across as one that's clear from the outset. When my only complaint about it is that I want to see more of it, that's when you know you have something of great potential in your hands here. Very good stuff, dear Author.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Another confusing one:
For me. In the first place, the title seems off since there isn't an "us" in "do well." There's a "we" in there, but not an "us." So I was stumbling before I even started reading.
Second, I'd like to see what it is about this Mare-Do-Well that makes Twilight decide it comes from the Treehouse of Harmony. We're in her POV, after all, so we can see her reactions and hear her thoughts. It can be as little as a tingle along her neck or a scent that reminds her of years ago when she and her friends gave the Elements of Harmony back to the Tree, but I'd like to have some idea of where her theory comes from.
Third, I'm not sure what the Treehouse's final word means. The pronoun "us," after all, always includes the speaker, but the Treehouse apparently dies after saying it. So I can't quite square what happens with Gallus's explanation, and the story stops before Twilight can tell me her interpretation...
Mike
For me. In the first place, the title seems off since there isn't an "us" in "do well." There's a "we" in there, but not an "us." So I was stumbling before I even started reading.
Second, I'd like to see what it is about this Mare-Do-Well that makes Twilight decide it comes from the Treehouse of Harmony. We're in her POV, after all, so we can see her reactions and hear her thoughts. It can be as little as a tingle along her neck or a scent that reminds her of years ago when she and her friends gave the Elements of Harmony back to the Tree, but I'd like to have some idea of where her theory comes from.
Third, I'm not sure what the Treehouse's final word means. The pronoun "us," after all, always includes the speaker, but the Treehouse apparently dies after saying it. So I can't quite square what happens with Gallus's explanation, and the story stops before Twilight can tell me her interpretation...
Mike
Genre: M-M-Mystery
Thoughts: I feel like this suffers a bit from being cut to fit the word count. While the prose is compact and at times vivid, there’s not a lot of breathing room to explain what’s going on.
But, what’s going on seems to have a ghostly or metaphysical touch, which I enjoy. What I think is going on, based especially on the moment where they’re flying, is that the Tree is trying to reach an increasingly isolated Twilight to urge her to go make some new friends since her old ones are kicking the bucket. Kind of anti-immortality blues, if you will. But that could’ve been made clearer by saying as much, if this wasn’t bumping its head so hard on the word limit.
I dunno. I want to say something more profound, but that’s my Big Criticism. Overall I think this works and has a lot going for it, but a significant part of the story is currently outside the story—if you feel me.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I feel like this suffers a bit from being cut to fit the word count. While the prose is compact and at times vivid, there’s not a lot of breathing room to explain what’s going on.
But, what’s going on seems to have a ghostly or metaphysical touch, which I enjoy. What I think is going on, based especially on the moment where they’re flying, is that the Tree is trying to reach an increasingly isolated Twilight to urge her to go make some new friends since her old ones are kicking the bucket. Kind of anti-immortality blues, if you will. But that could’ve been made clearer by saying as much, if this wasn’t bumping its head so hard on the word limit.
I dunno. I want to say something more profound, but that’s my Big Criticism. Overall I think this works and has a lot going for it, but a significant part of the story is currently outside the story—if you feel me.
Tier: Almost There
I dropped out at the start of S8, so I'm really iffy on who Gallus is. That said, I think I have this right that the story is about two people ponies who have lost most of their friends realizing that they still have friends to make/keep, and memories to share of those dearly departed.
There's a strong sense of attention to the setting. I'm not sure how well it serves the story, but it definitely adds flavor and significance to the "players", and neither does it get in the way.
The problems I have with this are either minor or far-reaching, and you will have to decide, Author. First, Twilight is extremely fortunate that her wild speculation as to the origin of the Mare spectre is correct – she had zero evidence to back it up, and the story hinges on their going to the Treehouse together.
Second, is a linguistic thing: 'we' would make more sense as it exists in "Do Well", and it is the correct subjective case. Further, "We're here", not "Us're here"; though also "called us here" vs "called we here", so shrug. It's awkward is what I'm saying. (Yet 'us' is more useful in their discussion following...)
Third, it isn't clear why Twilight is the only one working out the connection required for "look, a friend right beside you!". Gallus's line "You're getting more out of this" seems somewhat spurious on a cursory read, suggesting that perhaps more weight or indication of Twilight's contemplation might be warranted... "letting her eyes wander" on its own seems light; and her speech after could almost as easily be conversing with him as (made evident later / on closer reading) with herself.
Taken in all, the only snags here are just the one huge plot contrivance, and the conclusion and final message could be punched up. This one topped my slate – good work.
There's a strong sense of attention to the setting. I'm not sure how well it serves the story, but it definitely adds flavor and significance to the "players", and neither does it get in the way.
The problems I have with this are either minor or far-reaching, and you will have to decide, Author. First, Twilight is extremely fortunate that her wild speculation as to the origin of the Mare spectre is correct – she had zero evidence to back it up, and the story hinges on their going to the Treehouse together.
Second, is a linguistic thing: 'we' would make more sense as it exists in "Do Well", and it is the correct subjective case. Further, "We're here", not "Us're here"; though also "called us here" vs "called we here", so shrug. It's awkward is what I'm saying. (Yet 'us' is more useful in their discussion following...)
Third, it isn't clear why Twilight is the only one working out the connection required for "look, a friend right beside you!". Gallus's line "You're getting more out of this" seems somewhat spurious on a cursory read, suggesting that perhaps more weight or indication of Twilight's contemplation might be warranted... "letting her eyes wander" on its own seems light; and her speech after could almost as easily be conversing with him as (made evident later / on closer reading) with herself.
Taken in all, the only snags here are just the one huge plot contrivance, and the conclusion and final message could be punched up. This one topped my slate – good work.
Hey, kids! I wrote a thing! That means it's time for:
Once again I tapped the massive ponyfic idea pile I've been sitting on for several years for inspiration. From it I took the notion of a Mare-Do-Well in search of an identity... or, more accurately, unmoored from a specific identity. It's long bugged me that we have the concept of a manufactured Mare-Do-Well character, but no concept of who that character would be apart from five of the M6 being lowkey jerks to Rainbow Dash.
You'll note that I didn't actually explore that here, but it's what got me started. That and an interaction between Twilight and Gallus in my longtime co-conspirator Moosetasm's recent Jinglemas fic. I've come to feel that Twilight and Gallus are an interesting pair--not to ship, but to play off each other. Twilight is cerebral, analytical, and can struggle to connect with others when she's not deliberate about leaning into her portfolio of skills as the Princess of Friendship. (Clearly, though, she's good at doing that; but sometimes it doesn't come naturally to her.) Gallus carries the sarcastic and cynical exterior of his upbringing amid Griffonstone's nadir, but he's got a core of earnestness, dedication, and heart. The two of them can go through similar emotional experiences with completely different internal reflections and outward demonstrations. It's fantastic.
But what the heck is going on in this fic? My self-review (>>CoffeeMinion) points straight at both the intended meaning, and at my biggest problem with this: the Tree(house) of Harmony is reaching out with the last of its strength to tell Twilight to get back out there and make friends after most of her oldest ones have died of old age. Problem is, that's nowhere near clear enough. I knew when I ended this the way I did that it would be ambiguous, but I'd run out of words to spell it out in any but the most hamfisted way. On the bright side, though, that left room for interpretations like >>WritingSpirit's, which I adored. Perhaps the only thing holding me back from stealing that idea outright is that I did something similar with my past (ex-Writeoff) fic Father and Son. Either way, I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement about how to improve this.
>>KwirkyJ -- You point at issues that are probably minor in terms of effort required to fix, yet far-reaching in terms of impact to the work if not fixed. Again, the worst part of this for me was working out how much story could be crammed into the word limit. OH, but the title is absolute garbage. I cannot deny it; I will not deny it. I hit the end of my available writing time, had no title that would fit the story, and grabbed words that I hoped might hang together decently. I think they didn't. Another title would serve this better.
>>Baal Bunny -- I meant for it to be clearer that Twilight was picking up on the Tree(house) of Harmony's unique energy signature in the fallen remains of Mare-Do-Well. But I think I also had to cut a solid 50 words out of that passage to make things fit. Time to rehydrate that in post!
>>PinoyPony -- Thank you for your encouragement as well! Hopefully things are clearer now that I get the chance to explain them. But I'll have to make sure the story stands on its own in future drafts.
And yes, as always, I aim to carry this forward and publish it on FimFiction. My backlog is bigger than I'd like, and a half-year of diminished activity has not improved things, but hopefully with your feedback this will get to shine brighter someday. <3
The "Us" in "Retrospective"
Once again I tapped the massive ponyfic idea pile I've been sitting on for several years for inspiration. From it I took the notion of a Mare-Do-Well in search of an identity... or, more accurately, unmoored from a specific identity. It's long bugged me that we have the concept of a manufactured Mare-Do-Well character, but no concept of who that character would be apart from five of the M6 being lowkey jerks to Rainbow Dash.
You'll note that I didn't actually explore that here, but it's what got me started. That and an interaction between Twilight and Gallus in my longtime co-conspirator Moosetasm's recent Jinglemas fic. I've come to feel that Twilight and Gallus are an interesting pair--not to ship, but to play off each other. Twilight is cerebral, analytical, and can struggle to connect with others when she's not deliberate about leaning into her portfolio of skills as the Princess of Friendship. (Clearly, though, she's good at doing that; but sometimes it doesn't come naturally to her.) Gallus carries the sarcastic and cynical exterior of his upbringing amid Griffonstone's nadir, but he's got a core of earnestness, dedication, and heart. The two of them can go through similar emotional experiences with completely different internal reflections and outward demonstrations. It's fantastic.
But what the heck is going on in this fic? My self-review (>>CoffeeMinion) points straight at both the intended meaning, and at my biggest problem with this: the Tree(house) of Harmony is reaching out with the last of its strength to tell Twilight to get back out there and make friends after most of her oldest ones have died of old age. Problem is, that's nowhere near clear enough. I knew when I ended this the way I did that it would be ambiguous, but I'd run out of words to spell it out in any but the most hamfisted way. On the bright side, though, that left room for interpretations like >>WritingSpirit's, which I adored. Perhaps the only thing holding me back from stealing that idea outright is that I did something similar with my past (ex-Writeoff) fic Father and Son. Either way, I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement about how to improve this.
>>KwirkyJ -- You point at issues that are probably minor in terms of effort required to fix, yet far-reaching in terms of impact to the work if not fixed. Again, the worst part of this for me was working out how much story could be crammed into the word limit. OH, but the title is absolute garbage. I cannot deny it; I will not deny it. I hit the end of my available writing time, had no title that would fit the story, and grabbed words that I hoped might hang together decently. I think they didn't. Another title would serve this better.
>>Baal Bunny -- I meant for it to be clearer that Twilight was picking up on the Tree(house) of Harmony's unique energy signature in the fallen remains of Mare-Do-Well. But I think I also had to cut a solid 50 words out of that passage to make things fit. Time to rehydrate that in post!
>>PinoyPony -- Thank you for your encouragement as well! Hopefully things are clearer now that I get the chance to explain them. But I'll have to make sure the story stands on its own in future drafts.
And yes, as always, I aim to carry this forward and publish it on FimFiction. My backlog is bigger than I'd like, and a half-year of diminished activity has not improved things, but hopefully with your feedback this will get to shine brighter someday. <3