This is cute.

I wanted to say that this is a comedy at first, but I guess it's so much a comedy as it is the situation here is comedic in nature. It's probably at most a very whimsical slice of life, which is also great. I love me a story with some heartfelt whimsy.

I particularly liked how detailed that time travel scene in the middle was. It being so methodical and diligently-prosed helps play off the quirkiness that soon came after. If there's one thing I could think of improving the whole experience, it's to highlight Twilight's initial desperation even more. Make it seem as urgent as remotely possible to further highlight the contrasting events in the resolution.

All in all, a fun read. Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Comedy numero tres. Also a story involving Twilight. I'm starting to think there's some secret cabal in the making here.

This one, I had fun with as well. The concept might be done to death but it's the execution that always keeps me on my feet. Dialogue is punchy, the humor hits just nice and the flow of the dialogue is almost superfluous.

Almost.

I say almost because there's a lot of instances of a piece of conversation happening that is immediately followed by 'Pony X performs action'. It's not something I'm usually bothered by, mostly cause I know how much this would seem like a story of talking heads had it been absent, but I do think the story went a little bit overboard with this one. Maybe a bit of trimming on that front would do it some good. Regardless, I really enjoyed reading this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I'm kinda surprised how many comedies we have this round considering the prompt. It does make this reviewing shtick of mine a little harder but I won't lie, it is very entertaining to read these as they come by.

This particular comedy hinges on the whole 'Displaced' gig. I haven't read any of those—not even the good ones, though I was never a big fan of the concept anyway—but I've seen enough of the tropes around to know about the more insular jabs in this story. Nevertheless, I do like how snappy the dialogue is between everyone. It's fun, it's witty when it wants to be and it knows exactly what it's going for out of the gate without overstaying its welcome.

I'm pretty sure this is publish-ready for FiMFic as it is. I don't know, I haven't gone around and read any comedies on the site lately. Not even the good ones.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This feels like a start to a Monochromatic story I haven't read but am somewhat curious on checking out, prompting me to place it on the shelf along with all the other titles that have since been covered by cyberdust and world-wide cobwebs.

This story stands out from the group, it being the non-comedic, moreso-introspective entry of the five, which only means I am compelled to like this more than the others because my biases have me threatened at gunpoint to like this, goddammit. I will say though, it took me a while to get around to what's happening but by the time it did, I was immersing myself rather easily. It's paced really well, the descriptions are enthralling, and the slow reveal was handled very delicately. Definitely a great read.

I guess my one gripe with this story is a really gratuitous one: I kinda hoped the whole restraining of time would tie back to Rarity somehow. Something like how her work here is ironic in that it perpetuates this cycle of unchanging with regards to her life or profession somehow. That Twilight isn't the only one frozen in time, so to speak. I think if it had a deeper look into that thematic aspect a little more, it would definitely elevate this story from being great to an absolutely ravishing masterpiece.

So, yeah, really enjoyed this one! Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This story confirms my long-held postulation that powdered sugar is definitely the poor man's cocaine.

Personal prognosis aside, I'm a little bit indifferent on this story. Now, I'm generally indifferent towards comedies in general so you shouldn't be too disappointed to get this reaction from me. Regardless, the humor didn't really resonate with me as well as I think it's supposed to, mostly cause it's pretty obvious from the get go what this story was heading for.

Now, the scene itself is pretty absurd. It's safe to say that there is definitely a story that tickles my funny bone in here somewhere. Part of me is inclined to believe that so much of the story seems to be telling us how the situation got led to that point instead of actually focusing on the situation itself. You know, the funny part.

Seeing as it is a comedy, I don't think we need to know every detail into how the party got to that point for the humor to work. Maybe at most the story could play its cards coyly by trickling the expository stuff bit by bit. Either way, I think spending more of the story on where they are at instead of how they got there would be your best bet in making this story a lot more absurd than it is currently.

Also, the lack of paragraphing of dialogues sorta threw me off at times. It does get a little frustrating reading them personally so maybe you could space them out a little, especially if there's more than one pony involved in the conversation.

So yeah, it's a good story in concept but the execution as it is isn't really my cup of tea. Perhaps more focused perspective would help fix the issues I've mentioned and then some, though that really depends on where you wish to take this idea.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I'm never really good when it comes to reviewing the more comedic stories, though I think this story has an interesting throughline that helps distinguish it from most comedies I've read, this one being Starlight's assignment. With that in mind, I can find myself appreciating this a lot more than I did at first glance, though it does leave me all the more perplexed as to how this chain of events came to pass as a result.

Most of the issues holding me back from really enjoying this story does stem from the lack of context with everything involved. To echo >>CoffeeMinion's question, why was Starlight given this assignment in the first place? What in-world purpose does it bring? I don't really mind as much when it comes to Twilight somehow finding this monarch in the first place—I'm sure her general volatility is exactly what Starlight found unnerving, and in turn, provided her with the answer to her clay assignment. Perhaps it's this same sense of fickle uncertainty that prompted Twilight to assign this task to her in the first place? Perhaps, though I can tell you it's not a convincing enough answer when Starlight seems to be fine with the assignment itself but becomes conveniently put off when the monarch comes into play.

That aside, what we're given here is indeed an enjoyable read. I'm actually quite a fan of the interactions between everyone here and I concur that the scene involving the monarch is creative and spellbinding in its own strange way. All of it says to me that there is a considerable amount of effort placed into making this scene come across as naturally as it is. Nevertheless, there are a bunch of questions that I think the story needed to answer for us to make sense of it all. Hopefully with the proper context, this story will allow us to sit back and enjoy the fun hijinks-fueled ride that it aspires to be.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Pretty sure I've pondered over this story a lot longer than I would've liked. Don't take it as a bad thing, dear Author, it just means that what you have here is intriguing enough for me to try and wrap my head around the ideas it's going for. Nevertheless, coming out of it, I do find myself agreeing with >>Baal Bunny that this is a case of a story that seems to serve better as a scene of a larger whole.

Before I get into it though, there is something rather compelling about what I'm reading here. As with the rest of the stories this round, perhaps more so, this is very well-written, walking on a tightrope between intimacy and restraint that I think highlights your talent as a writer. The fact that it is written in the present tense provides it with a sense of urgency on Celestia's part, which helps to highlight how important this moment of bonding seems to be for everyone involved.

On that note, Celestia's voicing here is immaculately hers. There's a playfulness in her tone that masks her obvious concern and worry for her sister's wellbeing, though it's balanced terrifyingly well here, so much so that I can very easily see the sombre undertones of this story going over a lot of heads. The conversation taking place as well, it feels very sincere on everyone's part, and when the dramatic shift comes at the end with Macintosh offering Luna a massage, the sincerity comes together for a gentle resolution and leaves everything on a very hopeful note.

So, technicality-wise, I have no qualms with saying that you have done some great work here, dear Author. I think the scene itself is extremely well-constructed and written with a lot of thought and care. However, as much as I admire the extreme subtlety at play here, I think there is a lot of context missing as to how we got here in the first place that does hinder it a lot more than it should.

Right from the start, I found myself asking questions about how our characters came together in this scene. I mostly found myself wondering why Big Mac was chosen as a character for this piece instead of, say, Nurse Redheart. It feels rather odd to have him be so close to our sisters, though keep in mind I am not all that familiar with the EqG universe. Nevertheless, I do think it's important to highlight how he got to be here beyond his want to help the sisters out. On that note, I also don't think it's all that clear why he's really doing this in the first place. I guess there's a relationship established here that us readers did not get to see, and I think if we're fed a little bit more information about it, it should resolve a lot of lingering questions we would have about this in the first place.

As for the central predicament of this story, I think I get it? You might have to confirm it for me with this one, Author, because I'm making a few leaps and bounds here that does help clear up a lot of issues I had in previous reads. It certainly answers a lot of the questions my fellow reviewer >>PinoyPony has posed above, so I'll take a shot at guessing and see if I knocked it out of the park.

Luna's chest is bandaged because she has lymphodema, which probably stemmed from her getting treatment for breast cancer. Celestia has no idea on how to approach her sister at her most vulnerable, and instead had opted in the past to distance herself from the topic over facing it head-on, thus her cheekiness every time it's brought up. This story is basically her finally coming to terms with her sister's affliction with the help of Big Mac and gives her hope in reforging their sisterly bond that had been lost over the course of the illness.

Provided I'm correct, I would say it's certainly a very impressive undertaking to go into this comp with, dear Author. Nevertheless, I do think there is a lot of context missing for the themes of forgiveness at play here to really stab us in the heart. The noticeable absence of certain pieces of information right from the start leaves us with a lot of questions about what's happening rather than what the story is about, and it's because we're busy asking all these questions that it puts a damper on any emotional connection and progression us readers might've had with the characters in the first place.

Of course, to rectify that, it would be better for the story to have a clear start and a clearer ending in place. Like, maybe have Celestia ask someone else—Big Mac, in this case—pick Luna up from the hospital at the start and have it end with the sisters agreeing to talk things through after the third person had left, something like that. Basically, a scene in the beginning that provides the necessary context as to how our three characters came into this situation, and a scene at the end that gives us a look into how this moment helped them come closer to achieving what they want in the first place. It'll also come with the added benefit of getting us to spend more time with our trio and understand them on a more intimate level. Of course, it's quite a massive undertaking to go through, though I have no doubt you'll succeed.

All in all, this is a story that has an idea that is ultimately going to be stifled by the word count. Nevertheless, if my guess is correct, I think you have a great story in the works here, dear Author. Give it time to breathe, widen its focus a little more, I have no doubt of its potential to be a very cathartic read. Sadly though, one has to rank the story for what it is than what it could be in these WriteOffs. Hopefully, the final results don't dissuade you from further expanding this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Okay, I think I get it.

As with the rest, here's another story that has a bold concept and an even bolder approach to go with it. I must admit, the story's central narrative is a little more obtuse than I would've liked—Twilight being extra cheeky about it at the very end did frustrate me to a certain degree as well—but I cannot deny how cohesive it all comes together in the end. Of course, that's if my interpretation of this story is accurate, that Mare-Do-Well showing up serves as a message of assurance from her deceased friends from the afterlife with the Treehouse of Harmony acting as a conduit between them.

In that case, I think most of what you have here is already pretty great, dear Author. Most of the groundwork has been laid here already. I could give you several more paragraphs on how to improve the story as a whole but I think I can sum them all up by saying let us see more of the world. Let us see, from their eyes, what their lives are like and how it colours the sights and sounds around them as the story progresses. In other words, show us more of what's happening as the story goes along. Let the themes of the story resonate in the locale as it does in its concept.

Then again, I could be wrong and the story isn't what I think it is. Still, I liked it when it's around. It has a lot of heart and the vision for it comes across as one that's clear from the outset. When my only complaint about it is that I want to see more of it, that's when you know you have something of great potential in your hands here. Very good stuff, dear Author.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Here we have another story whose base concept explores themes that are rather familiar in the fandom but approached with a method that is sweeter than it is bitter. As much as the immortality gig and the whole 'living longer than your friends' angle that comes with it had always felt tiresome to me, this story works in spite of that, and that's because this is exceptionally well-written.

The descriptions are delightful to read and really tickles the imagination, setting a whimsical tone that is emblematic to the character taking centre stage. Even as it sheds the chaotic surrealism past a certain point, it never loses its momentum as it finishes painting the picture it had started with. Some parts do get a little wordy, which does play into stuttering the pacing quite a bit, though I think it does its job well enough for me to overlook that.

Nevertheless, as enamoured as I was over the technical finesse at display here, I'm afraid that the story itself at its core never really came across as all that compelling to me. Part of it's definitely because of my personal biases as I've mentioned earlier. Another part finds that it's because the story's second half starts piling in a lot more new information, and by the time we realize what's really happening at the centre of it all, we're already being given a resolution.

Put it simply, Fluttershy's death here feels a bit shoehorned in. I never got the time to really stand in their shoes and understand how deeply it had affected them, even though it's the event that kickstarted this whole story happening in the first place. As such, I couldn't grasp just exactly how important this moment of coming together was to Discord and Twilight. In the end, it sorta lacked the impact I think this story sorely needed to complement its imagery, which kinda leaves me a little more than disappointed. I really wished you took your time with it, to let it unravel and guide us into the loss of their friend with open arms. To let the emotions running through them simmer in us as well.

Beyond that, I think this story has the potential to work really well premise-wise. Most of my complaints are things that a broader wordcount could easily remedy, so an expanded version would do wonders to the concept that this story had set out with. Hopefully, you could do the ideas at play here justice then, dear Author.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Now, this here's a fairly simple story. Rather compelling too when I consider how it touches on elements that are inherently familiar yet has a narrative that is holistically different altogether. Between you and me, dear Author, I believe such an approach comes too rarely on FimFiction nowadays, and it is on that note that I can safely say you have something that has potential here, no question.

Regardless, it being simple means the cracks in between are easy to pinpoint, and sure enough, what's presented here does leave a lot to be desired. Though there is a central conflict present, it feels like it's resolved itself all too quickly before even the story began. We don't really get a clear look at the circumstances surrounding this story that allowed it to happen the way it did, so much so that it all feels rather vague and disconnected. Stuff does happen and the story does move forward, yet most of it feels weightless. There's not really a strong atmosphere surrounding this story for the readers to sink into, as if we're only here to assess the journey and not truly experience it.

Some part of me thinks that's sort of the point. That Applejack believes Big Sugar was mature enough to handle this without any intervention. That she has decided her role, and to a greater extent ours, is relegated to that of an outsider looking in and not interfere in the decisions Big Sugar will be making. If so, I think a larger emphasis on Applejack's thought process as >>Baal Bunny had pointed out would be extremely helpful on that note. I would be very interested in what's going on her mind if this was the case.

On a more technical note, the dialogue does start off rather strong in the beginning, though somewhere past the middle it does start to falter a little. Big Sugar's voicing in the latter half especially feels rather awkward—the line “She invented said lantern you see in the fields at night, which produces light brighter than any candle or torch I’ve ever seen.” is a particularly blatant example of this.

Of course, there is I think a larger conceptual problem at play here that I want to point out as something to think about in the future. To be clear, it's not going to affect my view or rating about the story as it is. Just thought it would be helpful to you should you choose to expand this story going forward, dear Author. If you wanna leave the story in the singular scene that it is, then you can completely disregard the next paragraph entirely.

Now, the story's concept at its core primarily hinges on a past event: the feud between the Apples and the Pears, and all that comes after that fact as per the show's canon. The story also explicitly mentions that the feud between the Apples and the Flim Flam family is in some ways worse than that, which I believe helps set it part to an extent. The challenge here, I believe, is how to approach and expand this story of Big Sugar and Sprocket Heart's relationship in a way that doesn't feel derivative of the show's portrayal of the relationship between Bright Mac and Pear Butter. In other words, how is this story going to be different than what we've seen already? How would you tell this story so that it doesn't feel like a contrived facsimile of the other?

All in all, it's a good story that presents some interesting ideas with a heartfelt, homely approach, though the devil in the details, or lack thereof, does muzzle its effectiveness much more than I would've liked. Nevertheless, with a few embellishments here and there, you'd have a very capable story in your hands.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This story was honestly quite a journey for me to unpack, so much so that I wasn't particularly sure how to approach reviewing it for the longest while. Despite understanding most of what's happening fresh off my first read, I wasn't exactly sure if I enjoyed what I was given here, and it really only took subsequent reads for me to actually come to appreciate the ideas at play here. Nevertheless, in spite of my opinions, I will preface this review by stating that I think you've managed to tell quite a profound story here. What you have right here is really something to behold, especially if this is a first draft for something bigger down the FimFiction pipe.

The concept itself is very bold yet very carefully executed. I really liked the fact that you played the cards super close to your chest with this one. In fact, way before knowing who our protagonist really was, I was actually enjoying reading about Bornite and her general musings within her day-to-day life. That, in of itself, signifies already how great her characterization was, plot twist notwithstanding.

Regardless, I do think some of the scenes could be worked in a little better, particularly the ones when she's alone at home. I think those are the scenes that, when I take away the plot twist from the entire structure, are the ones that felt a bit out of place. Perhaps smoother transitions between them might make it work? Or perhaps they could relate back to the preceding scenes to further build upon the ideas that were unfolded there. You know, have a train of thought that we could trace alongside our protagonist as the story moves along.

Similarly, I do wish the final scenes where Pinkie and Cheese step into the picture were more defined in helping shape Marble's perspective as the story closes itself out. Currently, I don't think it's that clear what exactly changed for the better in Marble, only that a positive change happened. I don't think there's a need to be explicit about it, but I am curious about how exactly she overcame it thanks to Pinkie and Cheese showing up. Also, minor gripe, I wished the story ended on Marble's note instead of her sister's, since she's the protagonist of the story after all.

Also, I just want to mention that I really liked the dialogue throughout this story, especially in the scene involving Rhyolite. I like that each of the scenes had just enough tension and purpose to keep the ball rolling. Now, I'd usually just mention this as an aside, but having now known who wrote this, I just wanna say I'm genuinely glad that I get to see such an astounding improvement from your past work. Just keep doing what you've been doing! You're on the right track.

All in all, this is a very thought-provoking yet very heartfelt story, one that I'm sure would be amazing once everything's all polished and fluffed up. There's a lot of potential with what you already have here for it to be a remarkable story on FimFic. I, for one, would be eagerly waiting should you choose to go ahead with it.

Thanks for writing, and once again, congratulations on your win!

I'm a genuine sucker for introspective character pieces, so I was immediately drawn in with what this story had to offer. The concept may not exactly be novel, but there's no harm in sticking to what works for you, Author, which it definitely does. I think you did just enough of an exploration into Lyra's psyche to allow us to sympathize, especially with how it slowly escalates until she reaches that breaking point towards the climax.

I do agree with >>PinoyPony that at times, the scenes do come across as vignettes instead of them being a part of a larger narrative progression. Maybe having a scene or two that further showcases these clashing emotions in the company of other faces within her everyday life aside from her friends would help develop these ideas. Or perhaps showcase some sense of gradual change in her character as the story goes along. Either way, having a bit more would certainly help and is a sign that you're on the right track with this entry.

The only major gripe I have is really the ending, in which it feels just a little bit rushed for my sake. I think pacing out the scene and letting the dialogue between Lyra and Bon Bon breathe would do wonders for this entry, especially when Bon Bon tells her she's not alone with that dilemma. I'd recommend drawing out Lyra's realization of that fact as well as set aside some space for Bon Bon to pour out her own insecurities onto the table. It would really bring out that moment of catharsis that I think such a story definitely needs.

As for the poetry sections, I'm going to deviate from my fellow reviewers and say that I'm generally indifferent towards them. The poems themselves aren't bad; I can certainly see myself enjoying them on their own. I just don't think that they really introduce anything new to the table or reinforce any of the ideas that the narrative sections had already cemented in place. The storytelling itself is doing a good job already at letting us know Lyra's struggles and circumstances, so as much as I like the prose and the imagery the poetry conveyed, it does come across as a bit redundant to me, unfortunately.

Overall, it's a pretty solid entry. Apart from some grammatical and formatting hiccups, I enjoyed reading this, even if it does tread a bit of familiar territory for me. If this is your first time writing a story of this nature, then kudos to you for hitting on the head. If not, then I think what I would like to see further explored in the story is how this experience is unique to Lyra herself, especially since Bon Bon does state explicitly at the end that it happens to everyone. Either way, you have a good first draft here, dear Author. It'll be interesting to see how you develop this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck.

This is a fairly straightforward tale here, though underneath it is a story that plays with rather weighty ideas. There's definitely a sort of finesse in weaving these kinds of concepts together to craft something that's readily accesible to even greenhorn readers, so that definitely wins points for me on that regard. The pacing is very measured as well, though it does kind of get rickety towards the end when the conflict begins to narrow down onto a more personal frontline, though that's something that even the most experienced of us here would have a hard time with if we're tasked with writing this so I wasn't all too bothered by it.

I kinda agree with Bachi's sentiment about how these aliens are a bit too human-like for me to consider them as fully alien, though it does make me wonder what other ways you could've done to make the species easier for us to connect with. I think this is where the idea 'less is more' could probably aid you, in which you could probably omit certain details about the Ni'so that still gives them an aura of mystique around them yet keep some things about them that gives us human readers some sort of attachment to them. It'll be hard to balance both sides of the scale, for sure, but it'll do wonders for your story if you can pull it off.

Overall, it's not flawless by any means but I think there's a lot of thought and charm in this story that really shone through in the writing. It's kinda hinting at me that you really enjoyed writing this, dear Author, though I can't really say for sure. What I am sure, however, is that I did enjoy reading this. Definitely worthy of a medal, even if it isn't written for these WriteOffs.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This one really took me a while to form my opinions on. It certainly took me a while to figure out what was going on, that's for sure. I do agree with Bachi above that there's a lot of neat ideas at play here, all of which paints a really cool premise that's ripe for exploration. Whether or not any of these ideas come together in a cohesive manner however, I can't say for certain.

From what I can gather, the main focus of the story seems to surround this dimensional portal more than anything else, and that this was some kind of superhero origin story for our nameless protagonist. The premise seems similar to that of The Midnight Gospel, except with a greater sense of urgency involved.

When I look at everything this way, I can appreciate what it's striving for. I just don't think that what's being told here isn't all that exciting or intriguing in the grander scheme of things, mostly cause everything here feels like an exposition to something rather than a story itself. As it stands currently, the scenes feel weightless. There's not really much of a greater sense of purpose that I can get out of this beyond an interesting premise, which can only carry my interest in the story so far before it peters out.

On that regard, our protagonist is bland, no other way to put it. I don't know really know why we're seeing their perspective since they don't really add anything substantial beyond just telling the events as they unfold. A lot of their words seem to be spent moreso on describing the environment around them over their version of the events happening which, again, the premise can only be interesting for so long. The one time things do get exciting, however, we're suddenly switched to a different perspective, which implied to me that the protagonist couldn't carry the story by themselves. It's not really assuring, especially considering this is mostly written in first-person perspective.

In summation, I think if there's as much focus placed into molding our main character as there are in building the world, then perhaps there'll be something that'll allow me to overcome all the names and terms and whatnot, and that the story would hook me in and compel me to read it over and over again outside of just writing up these reviews. In its current state, however, I'm just indifferent at best.

Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and good luck!

It's honestly encouraging to find out that there's still some writing being done in these trying times. I can't imagine anyone really participating thanks to everything that's happening around them recently, particularly so in the States, so I definitely appreciate that there are some of us here still striving to keep the WriteOffs going in spite of the times. Everyone involved did an incredible job in getting these out, so I thought I might as well step in to do a bit of reviewing. It's the least I can do, at least until I'm done with the stuff I've piled onto myself that's supposed to be up on FimFic.

Now, personal doctrines aside, I think this story's primary plus⁠—and this extends to all the other stories as well⁠—is definitely the premise. To have the story take place during the biblical endtimes is a concept that's ripe for exploration. I really love how bleak yet mystical the atmosphere that this piece conveyed. The depiction of the angel and the scenes of it conversing with Lana especially enraptured me from start to finish. I reckoned their exchange was definitely your starting point when it comes to writing this story, dear Author? Regardless, I think you've done a great job with all that was depicted here in spite of my personal gripes with it, of which unfortunately there are quite a few.

I do find overall that the pacing of the story is a bit uneven. I'm thinking it's because there's a lot of instances of things being told to us scattered throughout the story. Not to say that it's inherently a bad thing, but I think it's the way they're structured that it impedes how it altogether flows. Some of the information being told can be condensed or moved around to help with the story's progression. Maybe a few omissions here and there too, especially if it doesn't impact the story in any major way.

The cackle's words, I found, were unintentionally hilarious. I can't say subsequent readings helped on that front. I get the idea that you're trying to go for here but I definitely think there could be a better way to depict the demons' behavior beyond them just being generically, or in this case almost comically evil. It would definitely help if the demons here were portrayed with anything more beyond screaming obscenities and setting houses on fire. Something nuanced would be interesting, especially considering our protagonist is sacrificing one of them later on.

One minor gripe I have is about Lana herself, who I find doesn't really stand out as a character. She has some personality traits I can glean from the story, sure, but whether or not they play any pivotal part in it is really the question here. As much as I can understand her desperate attempts in looking for her family, I don't really find myself rooting for her to do so. I think if we have a clearer idea of her as a character and what role she plays in conjunction to the greater premise, then it would be truly compelling. As it stands currently, I can't say I'm immersed as much as I want to be.

Another minor inconsistency⁠ I found—I say minor but it's honestly growing the more I brood over it⁠—is why Lana did not try to sate her thirst with the rain that fell last night? Why didn't she bother with stealing a few drops or even stockpiling with her canteen? On that regard, I do think the secondary conflict of her being thirst does feel a bit unnecessary. It adds a bit of desperation, sure, but I don't really sense that desperation in the writing itself. I think the story will do fine with just focusing on her family and it would still be as urgent as it is written here, personally.

In spite of all my issues, I do like and admire what this story is going for in the end. After all, since most of my advice leans towards expanding more of this and exploring more of that, it's safe to say that you're on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Even though this is a Shakespeare round, I'd never imagined that we would get a full-blown play to grace our presence. Not that I'm complaining, it's extremely refreshing to see something like this show up in lieu of the usual short story affair. It being a riveting read just makes it all the better for me.

I really like how intricate yet how accessible all this is. As far as parodies go, this is certainly a piece that you can enjoy whether you're familiar with Shakespeare or not. The language and references aren't as intimidating as they seem on the surface, nothing a few Google searches can't handle. The humour, particularly towards the latter half, is as Much Ado About Nothing as they come. If that's not copious praise, I don't know what is.

All in all, remarkable work here, Author! Wouldn't mind seeing where you might go with this one!

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I have to say, I'm glad I refamiliarised myself with Shakespeare's era of theatre before really diving into this pack of entries. Otherwise, I don't think I would be enjoying this and all the other entries as much as I am right now.

This took me a really long while to really unpack, yet even after doing that, I don't think I quite get it. That's not a bad thing in my book, by the way, I don't think it's important for me to fully enjoy or understand what exactly is going on to admire what a piece is striving for. Looking at the stuff that I am picking up from this, however?

I like it. I like it quite a bit.

It took me a while to realise that this was written in iambic pentameter, which I should've expected way earlier considering the group this round is in. I like the slight rhythmic variations you've employed, especially with the use of punctuation here. Add in the eclectic choice of words, you end up with an entry that paints a really captivating emotional picture that sucks me in every time I go back to it. That alone is fantastic in of itself.

Now, as for the details of that picture, I can't really make heads or tails of it. I feel like I'm missing the grander context from which this was written. I'm inclined to believe that this was partially self-referential, as I'm somewhat drawing a connection between the heart and the fact that this was written in iambic pentameter. Perhaps it details your struggles with writing an entry for this particular contest? I'm pretty sure I'm grasping at straws here but it's certainly something to behold were it the case.

All in all, even though I don't understand much of it, I certainly dig what it's emoting. It'll be nice to hear from you on what this entry's about but I'm content with what I'm reading here. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to waking up my neighbours again by yelling this entry out an open window.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I think I should preface this review of mine by saying I'm not exactly a poet at heart. Many of the opinions I have about this kinda stem from a mix of theatre history⁠—what little of it I can recall from my lectures anyway⁠—along with some techniques I've picked up from acting class, so don't just take my word as gospel. Get a second opinion, preferably from someone with more knowledge in verse than I am like Pascoite or GGA. Those are the two I can name off the top of my head, though I'm sure there's more.

So here we have a quatrain. Simple and rather straightforward until one gets a closer look, though that can come later. I think most of my issues of immersion with this particular entry is really the subject matter at the core of this story, which is about Shakespeare's wife. It's a pretty meta approach to talk about her in verse but sadly it's not the only meta entry this round so yeah. A lot of the references are a little lost to me though, and if it weren't for Google they would probably still be that way. Nonetheless, I think it's a nice way to approach it. Definitely creative despite its flaws. With how it's handled, however, that means a lot of what would change my experience with this entry is really the execution of the verse itself.

So how was it? A bit dull, if you ask me.

The structure starts to get in the way of things after subsequent reads. It's fine with the four-line-per-stanza approach that it currently is. The way the line endings are utilised is pretty neat too on occasion. My issue's really with the minor details that kinda hampered my experience, from the mismatched syllable count to the flippant switching between various rhyming schemes. All the technical stuff is definitely out of my league⁠—again, second opinions are much appreciated⁠—but there's something else that I'm picking up that could probably pinpoint why I don't enjoy this in the first place.

Whenever I'm reading this, I'm reading this aloud. I'm doing that to basically try and see if I could capture the subtext of this entry. It's fine if you're not thinking about it⁠; this isn't something writers are fully aware of when they're writing, though being aware of it can certainly help in all forms of writing, even in non-fiction mediums. Nevertheless, I couldn't really get a satisfying read from it because looking at the way this story tells us about Shakespeare's wife, it feels like it's just informing us about the circumstances of their relationship and not doing much else. It's not attempting to convince me that Shakespeare's love for her is genuine. It's not protesting the fact that so little knew about who Shakespeare's wife was. It's just telling us a loose chain of events that happened. As if it was a precursor to something more substantial.

Frankly, I don't think such a passive approach works with the format, or at least I don't think I enjoy a poem (or anything else, really) that tells me about something that is happening or has happened. I'm of the mind that it has to do more than that to really win me over. It's written pretty well, I'd say. I just think it has to be approached with something more than with conventional methods of storytelling to really make it stand out.

Which reminds me, there is a pair of lines in this piece that does stand out to me, context notwithstanding.

He gave her his second-best bed with the furniture after he died
Because she was the best bed who he stood aground

I loved these two lines together. The repetition, the points of stress, the line ending, I loved it. All of it creates a wonderful subtext that I wished was more prevalent in the rest of the poem. Maybe you could hone in on the emotions surrounding these particular lines and expand them throughout. I think it would definitely give this poem the razor-sharp edge it needs to wrest my complete attention.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Sorry about the late review. Becoming a bit of a habit, but since I've already written my thoughts on every story here on the tiled walls of some undisclosed location, I might as well get them out.

As much as I'm not a big EqG fan, I certainly can dig what's happening in this story. The pacing is fast, though that's not necessarily a bad thing. The prose is also pretty on point when it wants to be, which is always a plus. There's a pretty compelling conflict in the centre of this story here. Rainbow Dash dropping Pinkie Pie from the Rainbooms for... reasons? Okay, perhaps with some expansion on that end, perhaps the conflict can then have a strong-enough foundation to really weigh the story down.

But yeah, the central conflict here is undeniably a strong one. It allows a lot of room for Dash and Pinkie to interact with each other. However, I think it's because it lacks a central focus that the story does feel a bit aimless by the end. I'm inclined to think that the idea you've started with was much larger than the word count would allow, and thus had to trim a bit of it off to fit it in without it looking implausible. It's a familiar place to be in for everyone here, even the most experienced of us. Trust me when I say you're not alone in that department and you certainly won't be the last.

Personally, my general advice would always be focus on the things that you think matter on the story you want to tell. Find an aspect of your idea to home in on and work your way around it. For a conflict like what you're posing here, I would single out a moment in which our protagonist (Dash, in this case) is resolving the conflict instead of preventing it from happening. She could succeed or she could fail, but ultimately, it's the attempt that matters more to the reader, not the result.

All that aside, it's certainly a good start! Would love to see where you'll go from here.

Thanks for writing!

Absurdly late with these last couple of reviews, sorry about that.

It's certainly becoming a WriteOff tradition to have a story involving Daring Do look inwards every couple months or so. Not that I mind, it's always interesting to see how everyone goes around putting their own spin on it. With this particular one, I can definitely see what it's striving to go for. Even in spite of the grammatical hiccups, the concept overall is crystal clear. Looking closer at the finer details, however, I don't that it's not fleshed out enough to really hit me emotionally as much as I would've liked it to do.

I think what's really the missing piece from the puzzle is why she feels that way. Why does A.K. feel that she would sooner die from being trapped in a crumbling temple than of old age? How does it relate to the conversation that she's having with this rock? Now, it's fine if she actually doesn't know the reason as to why she feels that way. I think what I'm really wanting from our explorer is to be a bit more upfront with what she's feeling inside. Have her pour her heart out as if to make that rock she's talking to attain some semblance of sympathy to her. Make this conversation matter to her and, inadvertently or otherwise, to us.

Otherwise, good job with this story! Thanks for writing!

I think it's safe to say that I've enjoyed this story a little more than my fellow writers here. Perhaps it's because I'm always eager to sink into something moody to accompany my listen of the latest krautrock album I've dug up from the infernal recesses of Bandcamp. After getting a grasp of everyone's thoughts, however, I think I understand why.

I feel like this story isn't about Celestia or Luna than it is about the circumstances surrounding their relationship from Celestia's point of view. When I first went into this story, I unconsciously believed that what I was reading in the first two-thirds of the story was taking place before Luna was banished to the moon. I thought that this story was set in the distant past.

Then I got to the scene break. And then, this:

(Celestia) raised the moon, as she had to do during her sister's thousand-year absence.

And suddenly, my context of the story abruptly changed. Suddenly, Celestia has a character motivation that was never there before. She wants to stop a repeat of what had happened between them a thousand years ago. Maybe it was there the whole time but we couldn't see it past her actions. All it took was just a mention of the 'when' and suddenly everything clicked.

Now, a lot of this frankly is just me filling in the blanks here. I'm not exactly sure how much of this is intended. All I know is that it's the most positive interpretation I have of the story that I could conceive. That's the joy of an ambiguous story for me though, to be given the privilege to fill in the blanks. I do think it plays a little bit too ambiguous with how they got here in the first place, but it's a light bump in the road that I can put off my mind.

So yeah, I think the story's pretty neat. The krautrock album wasn't good though.

Thanks for writing!

It's really nice to be able to just set my thoughts aside and sink into a heartwarming story like this. Love it when a story just allows you to sink in and experience it firsthand.

I like Rainbow Dash's voice here. The way it's paced, the words that are used, all of it feels very simple and deliberate, yet there's this certain delicateness in the way it all comes together that makes me feel as though it's just one push away from crumbling. Which is not a bad thing, by the way, I love that it's there. It translates to us her insecurity really well. Absurdly well. 'So well that I'm kinda mad at you for writing this' kind of well.

I think if there's one thing that I'm curious to learn about, it's how Rainbow Dash came to feel this way in the first place. Maybe not the thought process, but more like where she was and what was she doing when it happened. You know, something that hints at the cause, not the cause itself. It's not a question that I think you need to answer, but I can't lie, I'm a bit tempted to know why she feels that way.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Well now, this was neat.

If there's anything in a story that would win me over from the first read, it's the ideas it toys with. And there are certainly some good ideas here, no doubt about it, so much so that my experience with the story is just hitching along for the ride and hoping to see where I end up when it's done. Those ideas still stick with me even after the second and third read, so kudos.

Regarding the ending, I think it could've worked if we stick with Vine Eye's perspective instead of leaping over to Screwball's. It does feel a little abrupt to suddenly change it after spending a bulk of the story being with Vine Eye. I'm guessing with this current approach that there's supposed to be a contrasting duality at play here. I guess it's because of this new context we've been given post the scene break—that Screwball is viewing her mother as a new friend—that I believe the duality doesn't fully translate. If that's true, it's ambitious, I'll give it that. I'd still prefer to stick with Vine Eye though. I think getting a look into her thoughts in the aftermath of her transformation could potentially be more crushing to the soul.

Just a bit of a nitpick here, I'm a little iffy on how Vine Eye's train of thought works. It's a bit harried at some points. I think it does help with making the whole story feel raw, but it does make the story feel a little bit messier for me. Don't know, just something that kinda popped up in one of my later reads.

All in all, great ideas at work here, Author! A bit of polishing and you're good to go!

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

>>PinoyPony
Well, I'm of the mind that in the pursuit of learning, no question is loaded. Not to mention that it's only fair I do my best to answer that question given how critical I was of this particular aspect whenever it pops up. I should say though, despite being similar, my issues with Hearth & Home are vastly different from my issues with this story.

Hearth & Home, my key gripe was regarding the dialogue and how it feels manufactured for the purpose of the story alone. There's a lot for me to say on this, but all the best advice I can give you has been boiled down to this blog post, particularly the one about reading your dialogue aloud. If there's anything I'd like to add to that list, it's also that a) sometimes people don't really mean what they say, and b) silence can sometimes speak volumes.

I would also like to add something else beyond just making it natural. Personally when I write, I treat every line of dialogue with an in-universe reason i.e. why the character is saying this line within the context of the story. Put it simply, a dialogue is an extension of the character trying to achieve something in the span of that scene. It's something that I've taken to thanks to reading theatre scripts and screenplays, so I'll try my best to be brief about it.

Let's use Pinkie and her Mother as an example. Let's give them a simple scene, say, Pinkie wants a cookie from a jar but her Mother, who had hidden the jar, is against it. The dialogue between them would then be an exchange to see who achieves their objective by the end of the scene and the tactics of they go about it.

Pinkie would probably begin with just straight up asking her Mother first. In return, her Mother says no.

That didn't work, so Pinkie switches gears. Maybe by asking her Mother "Why not?" She wants her mother to explain her reason why. Her Mother, in response, would probably proceed to remind Pinkie about the five other jars of cookies she had finished the night before.

Still didn't work. Change tactics again. Perhaps Pinkie would proceed to justify it? Or maybe obfuscate the truth by saying it wasn't exactly five jars? Maybe she just begs to have just one more cookie? Or maybe bemoan about how her Father would've given the cookie if he were here.

That's basically dialogue in a nutshell. Note that not every exchange has to be confrontational. It's just a matter of understanding what your characters really want once they come away from their conversation. It may not be conventional as advice goes, but it'll certainly help give their voices a grounded, more deeper sense of purpose in addition to making them sound natural.

---

Now, for the issue I had with this story, ergo the prose.

Prose is a trickier beast to nail down. It's somewhere along the lines of the advice above but in a different coat of paint. However, were it up to me, I'd usually start by being more picky about what words to use to capture perfectly what I want to depict. Give it a visual flair. After all, there's a stark difference when saying something is 'big' compared to saying something is 'humongous'. Similarly, instead of something like 'Pinkie mimicked her party cannon going off', just show us how that looks like. Maybe something like 'Pinkie leaped into a burst of confetti'.

Rhythm also plays a part in the best stories. When I mention how something is stiff and wooden, I'm usually referring to this particular aspect lacking variation in the story. It's mainly just playing around with your sentences and punctuations to find the best fit. Take this section from above, for example:

Her smirk twisted as her tongue peeked out of her lips, like she was thinking deeply about something. She grabbed a nearby bulb and lifted it over her head. The bulb illuminated as her wide grin returned.

It's fine, though it certainly seems daunting to read. If I paced it out, it'll be something like this:

Her smirk twisted. Her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she reached back, before yanking out a lightbulb from her tail and placed it onto her head.

Ding. The brightest grin surged from Pinkie's face.

It's not perfect, but I think it helps give the story a bit of a spring in its step.

---

Finally, I'll append that not every advice is absolute. What might work in one instance may not entirely work in another. Also, once again: that there's no such thing as a loaded question in the pursuit of learning. Sure, it might be a bit of a tiresome comment for me to type out, but if there's a chance you'd learn something from it by the end, it's worth a shot.

Thanks for writing!

Apparently, I've left this review in the same place where I left my car keys in a rusting locker in the fifth circle of hell, though it was kindly returned to me by unspecified, gallinaceous means. Couldn't get it out in time before the round was over, but here it is anyway.

Comedy never really was my forte when it comes to reviewing, so it's no surprise that I'm not as invested in all these stories, mine included, as I should be. Nevertheless, this was definitely a fun read. A fun romp with a bit of a mystery twisted within it. I'm inclined to believe that everything we're seeing here was only the tip of the iceberg, and that this will only be the beginning of a grander conspiracy at play

Not sure what criticisms I'd level against this entry. I guess what I'm hoping for is for this entry to have a goal that feels more purposeful? Then again, that's pretty much how I feel about all our entries anyway. Still doesn't take away from the story and the fact that I enjoyed reading this. Wouldn't mind seeing where this could go should you expand it.

Thanks for writing, and good luck congratulations on the gold!