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I like stories in diary form. I think they're great to convey the feelings of a character and giving a glimpse of the world to the reader.
This story doesn't quite get there, in my opinion.
The beginning is great, and really hooked me in thinking we were going to see a kid slowly descend into insanity and despair as his family and the world around him broke apart.
We did get some of that, yeah, but early on it ramped up and went off the rails. I was on board, because I wanted to see where you would take it, but then the pace kept getting faster and faster and we didn't get to dwell on what was happening.
You got something good here, but don't rush to the ending. Take your time and the story will be better for it.
This story doesn't quite get there, in my opinion.
The beginning is great, and really hooked me in thinking we were going to see a kid slowly descend into insanity and despair as his family and the world around him broke apart.
We did get some of that, yeah, but early on it ramped up and went off the rails. I was on board, because I wanted to see where you would take it, but then the pace kept getting faster and faster and we didn't get to dwell on what was happening.
You got something good here, but don't rush to the ending. Take your time and the story will be better for it.
I'm sorry if this feels harsh, author, but having a typo in the very first sentence is a bit off-putting, and having multiple in the first paragraph is discouraging. I understand that on a deadline there will be mistakes, but having them in the very first lines doesn't make the best impression with the reader. Even if you don't have time to proofread everything, you should make sure your opening paragraph is error-free at least.
Unfortunately, I couldn't really get into this story. I appreciated what it was trying to do, but the execution didn't end up eliciting much emotion. I agree with Zaid that you rushed your execution towards the end. There was a little bit of time for horror to build, but not much. The narrative voice also didn't change over time as the narrator experienced more hardships, which would have added much more depth. I think adding in more events to show how the world is falling apart would help you a lot, and you should definitely emphasize her despair more before you drop the bomb that she's planning suicide. Given the context that she's been doing this for ten thousand years, it makes sense, but with a time gap that huge the audience has no sense of how she's changed emotionally over that time. You should probably throw in diary entries at somewhat exponential dates that illustrate her descent into hopelessness more. For now, it seems a bit out of the blue, and with something as serious as suicide you should take more care with your execution.
Overall, I think this is a great idea. The cycle presented by the story is very creative. The presentation is what needs a bit of work to really shine.
Unfortunately, I couldn't really get into this story. I appreciated what it was trying to do, but the execution didn't end up eliciting much emotion. I agree with Zaid that you rushed your execution towards the end. There was a little bit of time for horror to build, but not much. The narrative voice also didn't change over time as the narrator experienced more hardships, which would have added much more depth. I think adding in more events to show how the world is falling apart would help you a lot, and you should definitely emphasize her despair more before you drop the bomb that she's planning suicide. Given the context that she's been doing this for ten thousand years, it makes sense, but with a time gap that huge the audience has no sense of how she's changed emotionally over that time. You should probably throw in diary entries at somewhat exponential dates that illustrate her descent into hopelessness more. For now, it seems a bit out of the blue, and with something as serious as suicide you should take more care with your execution.
Overall, I think this is a great idea. The cycle presented by the story is very creative. The presentation is what needs a bit of work to really shine.
>>shinygiratinaz
I think the typos may have been intentional, what with this being a diary written by a twelve year old. But yeah, I can see that being off-putting.
I think the typos may have been intentional, what with this being a diary written by a twelve year old. But yeah, I can see that being off-putting.
This is a neat idea, but I don't think you've used the diary format particularly effectively. For starters, there's the obvious question of chosen material: this diary is way too laser-focused on the details necessary for an outsider to put together the story, as opposed to reflecting what a the narrator might want to write. How little we learn about her, and how much we know about the plot-defining actions of her and her family!
Beyond that, the voicing was awfully inconsistent within a single perspective. Not all the entries are going to have the same tone or vocabulary, but part of doing that is making sure that each "voice" has a distinct voice. Here, I found big-kid words bleeding into entries where they didn't belong, and short, punchy sentences nestled among longer, more thoughtful compatriots in a manner which suggested they'd inadvertently wandered over from a different paragraph.
Keep the idea, clean up the presentation, and I think you'll have something on your hands.
Beyond that, the voicing was awfully inconsistent within a single perspective. Not all the entries are going to have the same tone or vocabulary, but part of doing that is making sure that each "voice" has a distinct voice. Here, I found big-kid words bleeding into entries where they didn't belong, and short, punchy sentences nestled among longer, more thoughtful compatriots in a manner which suggested they'd inadvertently wandered over from a different paragraph.
Keep the idea, clean up the presentation, and I think you'll have something on your hands.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I thought about that, but the problem is that they're not consistent enough to seem truly intentional. They also don't feel like mistakes a kid would make, they feel more like the author got hit by autocorrect and didn't realize. If they are meant to be intentional, having more of them would really help convey that better.
I thought about that, but the problem is that they're not consistent enough to seem truly intentional. They also don't feel like mistakes a kid would make, they feel more like the author got hit by autocorrect and didn't realize. If they are meant to be intentional, having more of them would really help convey that better.
>>Chris
Chris you're back? That’s great news.
Yeah, the "beat" and "super" typos in the first sentences were a bit jarring. Though maybe the girl got so off on her birthday that she forgot how to write :¨P But generally, as the others pointed out, leaving typos in the first paragraph simply comes across to the reader as “this author writes in a slipshod way”.
Beyond that, I quite agree with the others’ complaints. I think the tone of the diary is much too objective and merry, even at times where it should be sombre and frightful. We don’t really feel the sense of urgency and/or panic the story would warrant. We don’t even get to know how the girl discovered that the monsters are shunning earthenware pots, which is, however, a key point of the story. I could add that I felt some of the last paragraphs, when the story starts to repeat itself, were on the nose. We already got the drift of it, there was no need to rub it in (I surmise this was a way to break over the 2,000 words deadline). The end is brusque, too. She works a way out (which one?) and the story ends. That’s rather anti-climatic.
The short of it is that the idea is somewhat fun, it’s a crazy take on the time-loop paradox, but as it stands now, it needs some additional cuddling to shine.
Chris you're back? That’s great news.
Yeah, the "beat" and "super" typos in the first sentences were a bit jarring. Though maybe the girl got so off on her birthday that she forgot how to write :¨P But generally, as the others pointed out, leaving typos in the first paragraph simply comes across to the reader as “this author writes in a slipshod way”.
Beyond that, I quite agree with the others’ complaints. I think the tone of the diary is much too objective and merry, even at times where it should be sombre and frightful. We don’t really feel the sense of urgency and/or panic the story would warrant. We don’t even get to know how the girl discovered that the monsters are shunning earthenware pots, which is, however, a key point of the story. I could add that I felt some of the last paragraphs, when the story starts to repeat itself, were on the nose. We already got the drift of it, there was no need to rub it in (I surmise this was a way to break over the 2,000 words deadline). The end is brusque, too. She works a way out (which one?) and the story ends. That’s rather anti-climatic.
The short of it is that the idea is somewhat fun, it’s a crazy take on the time-loop paradox, but as it stands now, it needs some additional cuddling to shine.
This feels like a 'here's a neat idea' story that doesn't do enough besides the neat idea.
And it really is a neat idea. The loop-de-loop you pull here is definitely interesting, and when I realized what was going on, I thought it was very clever. I'm curious, is this supposed to be based on the Pandora myth at all? I read somewhere that the original one had a jar instead of a box.
I do think the return-loop started a bit fast. The entry with 'weaponizing vases' did make sense pretty quick, but an entry explaining how exactly monster-her broke another vase again or something would be nice.
I'm not sure about the story/diary thing... it kinda works, but it also feels somewhat contrived. I'm not sure what would have worked better, though.
In the end this was clever and interesting, but not super deep. Points for weirdness and originality, but it would also be cool to see something deeper than 'here's a clever idea.'
And it really is a neat idea. The loop-de-loop you pull here is definitely interesting, and when I realized what was going on, I thought it was very clever. I'm curious, is this supposed to be based on the Pandora myth at all? I read somewhere that the original one had a jar instead of a box.
I do think the return-loop started a bit fast. The entry with 'weaponizing vases' did make sense pretty quick, but an entry explaining how exactly monster-her broke another vase again or something would be nice.
I'm not sure about the story/diary thing... it kinda works, but it also feels somewhat contrived. I'm not sure what would have worked better, though.
In the end this was clever and interesting, but not super deep. Points for weirdness and originality, but it would also be cool to see something deeper than 'here's a clever idea.'
Wonderful idea, but not so great execution.
First off, I really don't think a diary format was the best idea for this. It makes it seem choppy, doesn't let the reader figure it out as easily, and can easily bore the reader because of the slices of life required for each entry.
It could use some editing.
And finally, take your time with this. It feels a little rushed, which takes away from the story a bit. There is nothing stopping you from making a novel of this other than your own ideas. Just work on adding some more, and it will work out.
First off, I really don't think a diary format was the best idea for this. It makes it seem choppy, doesn't let the reader figure it out as easily, and can easily bore the reader because of the slices of life required for each entry.
It could use some editing.
And finally, take your time with this. It feels a little rushed, which takes away from the story a bit. There is nothing stopping you from making a novel of this other than your own ideas. Just work on adding some more, and it will work out.
The Vase in the Woods — B- — Nice use of time loops, but it’s just bloody difficult to engage a reader with a repetitive time loop. That leads to a bad problem with being jumpy due to the way it was written, exacerbated by the way each loop is mostly a POV change and ending with an inconclusive question mark. Most of the problems here are structural and won’t just ‘polish out’ with a little work. It’s just bloody difficult to engage a reader with a repetitive time loop. Wait a minute.
I'm in agreement with most of the other comments. The diary form is an interesting experiment, and I can see the good ideas here, but the execution doesn't work out. Just doesn't read very well. There are two intertwined reasons why that stand out to me:
1. The entries are trying to tell an external story rather than actual be diary entries belonging to a person.
2. The overall prose quality is not strong enough to carry out what the author's trying to do. I hate to put that so bluntly, but can't think of a better way that would also be honest.
Trying to tell a story in diary form requires a lot of balancing acts. You have to have a strong voice for the writing character in general, voice them specifically as they would write to their diary, change their voicing as external events happen, and of course somehow convey the external story to the reader. It's incredibly difficult to pull all those layers off. Props to the author for attempting it - going above your skill level is how you learn! - but you're not there yet, keep trying.
Just to zero in on one example, there are a lot of unintentional typos, like "beat day of my life" in the first line, or "Stevez." An effective diary story might contain intentional typos, placed such that the reader realizes they're intentional and is able to draw information about the writer from them. Advanced tricks and techniques like that can help get in all the layers of meaning that are needed when writing in an unusually limited form. But obviously, you first have to be sure you're virtually never making unintentional typos before you can even think about inserting intentional ones.
How would I improve this? Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep practicing. Don't get discouraged. Set high standards for yourself. Look at published works, or stories and authors that place highly in competitions like this, take in what they do and keep learning. Look up some rubrics like the HORSE scale I saw someone using and try applying them to yourself and others. You're already pushing yourself out of your comfort zone on form, and that's a good thing, but don't forget to practice the fundamentals most of all.
Overall, itchy. Tasty.
1. The entries are trying to tell an external story rather than actual be diary entries belonging to a person.
2. The overall prose quality is not strong enough to carry out what the author's trying to do. I hate to put that so bluntly, but can't think of a better way that would also be honest.
Trying to tell a story in diary form requires a lot of balancing acts. You have to have a strong voice for the writing character in general, voice them specifically as they would write to their diary, change their voicing as external events happen, and of course somehow convey the external story to the reader. It's incredibly difficult to pull all those layers off. Props to the author for attempting it - going above your skill level is how you learn! - but you're not there yet, keep trying.
Just to zero in on one example, there are a lot of unintentional typos, like "beat day of my life" in the first line, or "Stevez." An effective diary story might contain intentional typos, placed such that the reader realizes they're intentional and is able to draw information about the writer from them. Advanced tricks and techniques like that can help get in all the layers of meaning that are needed when writing in an unusually limited form. But obviously, you first have to be sure you're virtually never making unintentional typos before you can even think about inserting intentional ones.
How would I improve this? Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep practicing. Don't get discouraged. Set high standards for yourself. Look at published works, or stories and authors that place highly in competitions like this, take in what they do and keep learning. Look up some rubrics like the HORSE scale I saw someone using and try applying them to yourself and others. You're already pushing yourself out of your comfort zone on form, and that's a good thing, but don't forget to practice the fundamentals most of all.
Overall, itchy. Tasty.
I tend to get picky when people try to use the journal style of writing. This one felt odd to me more or less immediately, specifically because it's supposed to be written by a 12-year-old. It... doesn't read like it. It all sounds too mature, even before the 'problem' starts. Our protagonist sounded less like a little girl and more like an adult trying to act like a little girl.
The entries are also too direct and simple for the type of situation we're dealing with. This has aspects of horror in its content, but there's no effort made to bring out the horror for the reader, so it all falls flat. Journals are exceptionally good tools for getting into the head of the narrator, but that depends upon the narrator diving in and making the journal personal. Our protagonist never does; she just writes what happens in a general sense.
My advice: when writing journal-style stories, get in the head of the narrator. Don't just write "The crazies somehow got organized and mounted an attacked on the camp." This is a big event, your character is going to be physically exhausted and scared out of her wits, and the writing needs to show us that. Tell us what she sees, hears, feels and thinks. This is how the reader becomes invested in what is happening.
Overall, great concept. Keep practicing and you'll also end up with a great story.
The entries are also too direct and simple for the type of situation we're dealing with. This has aspects of horror in its content, but there's no effort made to bring out the horror for the reader, so it all falls flat. Journals are exceptionally good tools for getting into the head of the narrator, but that depends upon the narrator diving in and making the journal personal. Our protagonist never does; she just writes what happens in a general sense.
My advice: when writing journal-style stories, get in the head of the narrator. Don't just write "The crazies somehow got organized and mounted an attacked on the camp." This is a big event, your character is going to be physically exhausted and scared out of her wits, and the writing needs to show us that. Tell us what she sees, hears, feels and thinks. This is how the reader becomes invested in what is happening.
Overall, great concept. Keep practicing and you'll also end up with a great story.