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A New Life
The hilltop was perfect. The grass was soft and green and quite comfortable. A large maple tree provided a pleasant amount of shade, not to mention pleasant sounds as the wind blew through its leaves. And, of course, it gave an excellent view of the ceremony occurring below.
There was plenty of room for two ponies to spread out. But despite that fact, the earth pony and unicorn mares that were sharing it sat close together, flank to flank.
“Hmmmm. Not all that many ponies are there? I expected more...” The unicorn was clearly not impressed by the turn out.
“Now now Lyra.” The earth pony nudged her marefriend with a small smile. “You knew it wasn’t going to be anything lavish or public. We’re a small community after all.”
“Yeah yeah.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “Still, I’d have expected a few big wigs to show up. Like maybe Princess Celestia or something! You deserve some recognition, Sweetie!”
It was ‘Bon-Bon’s’ turn to roll her eyes. “It’s Bon-Bon now Lyra. You’ve got to remember that, or we’ll both be in trouble!”
“I know, I know!” Lyra huffed, then giggled and planted a kiss on her marefriend’s cheek. “But you’ll always be my sweetie, Bon-Bon!”
“Lyra!” Bon-Bon flushed and giggled, leaning in against her lover. “Cut that out!”
Lyra just smirked back at her. “Make me.”
“You know I can!” Bon-Bon narrowed her eyes and gave a mock growl.
“Well, I know that Sweetie Drops, the super secret agent could...” She rubbed her chin with her hoof in thought. “But I’m not so sure that Bon-Bon, my cute candy making marefriend can...”
“Hmph! I’ll show you exactly what I can do...”
“In bed tonight!” Lyra interrupted mischievously.
“Lyra! Be serious!” She gave her a swat as she blushed. “We’re at a funeral!”
“Yeah, but it’s your funeral, so we can be as disrespectful as we like!” Lyra shot back with a smug grin.
“No, it’s Sweetie Drop’s funeral. Sweetie Drops was a masterful spy and monster hunter, and one of the top agents in Celestia Secret Service. She racked up quite a list of accomplishments, and quite a list of enemies. But she’s passed on now, tragically slain while hunting a monster.” Bon-Bon lowered her head and placed her hoof over her heart in respect.
“I, on the other hand, am Bon-Bon!” She sat up straight. “A perfectly normal, mild mannered candy maker and marefriend to the craziest, most wonderful unicorn in all of Equestria.” She nuzzled her lover’s neck with a smile.
“From now on, the closest I get to secret agents are the secret ingredients that make my candies so delicious.” She gave a firm nod.
“Mild mannered, hmmmm?” Lyra giggled. “I think we might have to work on that a bit.”
“Well, at least with you around, I don’t have to worry about breaking cover. Nopony will notice my weirdness with your level of crazy around!”
“Hey!” Lyra pouted cutely. “I thought you liked my crazy!”
“I don’t like your crazy.” Bon-Bon shook her head. “I love your crazy.” She finished, with a kiss for emphasis.
The two became silent after that, watching the cemetery below as an empty wooden casket was lowered into the dark earth. A few ponies remained to pay their respects, but not many. The ranks of spies and monster hunters in Equstria were limited, though indispensable.
“You know, before I accepted my commission in the CSS, they told me what the retirement plan was. A small wooden box and a sparsely attended funeral.” Bon-Bon spoke softly. Lyra pressed up against her comfortingly.
“And you joined up anyway?” She asked gently.
“I had to. After what happened to my parents...” She shrugged. “I thought I knew what I as getting into. Now I wonder how many funerals I attended were like this one...”
“Most, I hope.”
“Probably. But not all of them.” Silence descended once more, as the last of the mourners departed.
“Bon-Bon?”
“Yes Lyra?”
“Please don’t ever make me attend another funeral for you.” The unusual seriousness of her marefriened’s voice brought a smile to Bon-Bon’s face.
“I’ll do my best, love.”
The two mares leaned against each and quietly watched as the gravedigger began to refill the hole containing ‘the last mortal remains’ of Agent Sweetie Drops.
“Well, I think we’re done here.” With a small stretch Bon-Bon stood up. “Let’s go home.”
“Back to Ponyville?” Lyra asked eagerly. Bon-Bon smiled back at her.
“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”
There was plenty of room for two ponies to spread out. But despite that fact, the earth pony and unicorn mares that were sharing it sat close together, flank to flank.
“Hmmmm. Not all that many ponies are there? I expected more...” The unicorn was clearly not impressed by the turn out.
“Now now Lyra.” The earth pony nudged her marefriend with a small smile. “You knew it wasn’t going to be anything lavish or public. We’re a small community after all.”
“Yeah yeah.” Lyra rolled her eyes. “Still, I’d have expected a few big wigs to show up. Like maybe Princess Celestia or something! You deserve some recognition, Sweetie!”
It was ‘Bon-Bon’s’ turn to roll her eyes. “It’s Bon-Bon now Lyra. You’ve got to remember that, or we’ll both be in trouble!”
“I know, I know!” Lyra huffed, then giggled and planted a kiss on her marefriend’s cheek. “But you’ll always be my sweetie, Bon-Bon!”
“Lyra!” Bon-Bon flushed and giggled, leaning in against her lover. “Cut that out!”
Lyra just smirked back at her. “Make me.”
“You know I can!” Bon-Bon narrowed her eyes and gave a mock growl.
“Well, I know that Sweetie Drops, the super secret agent could...” She rubbed her chin with her hoof in thought. “But I’m not so sure that Bon-Bon, my cute candy making marefriend can...”
“Hmph! I’ll show you exactly what I can do...”
“In bed tonight!” Lyra interrupted mischievously.
“Lyra! Be serious!” She gave her a swat as she blushed. “We’re at a funeral!”
“Yeah, but it’s your funeral, so we can be as disrespectful as we like!” Lyra shot back with a smug grin.
“No, it’s Sweetie Drop’s funeral. Sweetie Drops was a masterful spy and monster hunter, and one of the top agents in Celestia Secret Service. She racked up quite a list of accomplishments, and quite a list of enemies. But she’s passed on now, tragically slain while hunting a monster.” Bon-Bon lowered her head and placed her hoof over her heart in respect.
“I, on the other hand, am Bon-Bon!” She sat up straight. “A perfectly normal, mild mannered candy maker and marefriend to the craziest, most wonderful unicorn in all of Equestria.” She nuzzled her lover’s neck with a smile.
“From now on, the closest I get to secret agents are the secret ingredients that make my candies so delicious.” She gave a firm nod.
“Mild mannered, hmmmm?” Lyra giggled. “I think we might have to work on that a bit.”
“Well, at least with you around, I don’t have to worry about breaking cover. Nopony will notice my weirdness with your level of crazy around!”
“Hey!” Lyra pouted cutely. “I thought you liked my crazy!”
“I don’t like your crazy.” Bon-Bon shook her head. “I love your crazy.” She finished, with a kiss for emphasis.
The two became silent after that, watching the cemetery below as an empty wooden casket was lowered into the dark earth. A few ponies remained to pay their respects, but not many. The ranks of spies and monster hunters in Equstria were limited, though indispensable.
“You know, before I accepted my commission in the CSS, they told me what the retirement plan was. A small wooden box and a sparsely attended funeral.” Bon-Bon spoke softly. Lyra pressed up against her comfortingly.
“And you joined up anyway?” She asked gently.
“I had to. After what happened to my parents...” She shrugged. “I thought I knew what I as getting into. Now I wonder how many funerals I attended were like this one...”
“Most, I hope.”
“Probably. But not all of them.” Silence descended once more, as the last of the mourners departed.
“Bon-Bon?”
“Yes Lyra?”
“Please don’t ever make me attend another funeral for you.” The unusual seriousness of her marefriened’s voice brought a smile to Bon-Bon’s face.
“I’ll do my best, love.”
The two mares leaned against each and quietly watched as the gravedigger began to refill the hole containing ‘the last mortal remains’ of Agent Sweetie Drops.
“Well, I think we’re done here.” With a small stretch Bon-Bon stood up. “Let’s go home.”
“Back to Ponyville?” Lyra asked eagerly. Bon-Bon smiled back at her.
“That’s what I said, isn’t it?”
Sweetie Drop's should be Sweetie Drops' (or even Sweetie Drops's).
This is cute. I think it could benefit from more scenery development at the beginning. I had no idea what was going on, if there were chairs, if other ponies were around, if there were any sounds, any conversation, etc. Having somepony offhand speaking for the deceased would go a long way.
This is cute. I think it could benefit from more scenery development at the beginning. I had no idea what was going on, if there were chairs, if other ponies were around, if there were any sounds, any conversation, etc. Having somepony offhand speaking for the deceased would go a long way.
The twist is pretty obvious, but I really enjoyed the slice of life tone throughout this. The sweet relationship between the 2 characters is shown wonderfully through their interactions, across several different moods. However, it makes the obligatory-plot-explanation bits feel weak and out of place by comparison. I believe that cutting that down to a bare minimum would've worked better, it's easy to read between the lines to understand this situation.
And I agree with Trick's suggestion of adding more scenery, though that may be optional if the point is they're detached from the ceremony itself. Alternatively, focus on the natural environment, like you do here in the first paragraph, but.... it doesn't do much besides say "pleasant" in a boring way. Focus on some interesting details that can amplify the whole story and its themes. The first paragraph is important! Even in such a peaceful, ordinary setting, it's your chance to show off a little.
And I agree with Trick's suggestion of adding more scenery, though that may be optional if the point is they're detached from the ceremony itself. Alternatively, focus on the natural environment, like you do here in the first paragraph, but.... it doesn't do much besides say "pleasant" in a boring way. Focus on some interesting details that can amplify the whole story and its themes. The first paragraph is important! Even in such a peaceful, ordinary setting, it's your chance to show off a little.
Wow. The first description was pretty nice but heavy-handed. Both pleasant in a very short space, and I really hate Despite this fact which sounds awkward to me. Why not though, like in: …for two ponies to spread out, though the earth pony and unicorn mares… It makes the sentence a bit of a run-on, but I think it still sounds better than ‘Despite…’
‘Turn out’ should be ‘turnout’, as far as I know. Some typos here and there, such as: “I thought I knew what I as getting into”.
So this is loaded with cuteness, but I fail to see exactly what it is about. It's a fake burial with everyone attending being in on it? It’s a nice slice of life, but it’s fairly fluffy at then end. Nothing much happens, and I agree with the other commenters here that you should give us more details about what's happening rather than wasting words explaining us things we should already know about special agent SD.
Reads like a good soufflé.
‘Turn out’ should be ‘turnout’, as far as I know. Some typos here and there, such as: “I thought I knew what I as getting into”.
So this is loaded with cuteness, but I fail to see exactly what it is about. It's a fake burial with everyone attending being in on it? It’s a nice slice of life, but it’s fairly fluffy at then end. Nothing much happens, and I agree with the other commenters here that you should give us more details about what's happening rather than wasting words explaining us things we should already know about special agent SD.
Reads like a good soufflé.
This was pretty cute. Good job on the touch of melancholy at the end. "though the earth pony and unicorn mares" made me think there were two unicorns for a moment. The middle felt a bit stretched; it worked alright as slice-of-life, although a touch of variety on the 'we're snuggly lesbians' theme might have helped. Nice work overall.
Nicely done, though I can’t help but think that the funeral should have been held sooner after the agency’s dissolution. I suppose they’ve had to work down the list; a huge spate of them would be more than a little suspicious.
I’d love to see this expanded; this would work great as a final scene, especially if the line about the retirement package was mentioned directly in an earlier one. Plus, you could include what happened to Sweetie’s parents.
I’d love to see this expanded; this would work great as a final scene, especially if the line about the retirement package was mentioned directly in an earlier one. Plus, you could include what happened to Sweetie’s parents.
Lyra and Bon Bon flirt while sitting at Agent Sweetie Drops’ funeral.
This was a cute bit of fluff, and that was all it was. Still, it was cute, and it gave me a little bit of fuzzy.
I was amused by Bon Bon’s note about what the retirement plan was, and how it really works out (namely, a fake funeral – that the ponies involved in don’t even know is fake, by the sounds of things). Always a fun “retirement plan”, doubly so when it has such a double meaning.
This was a cute bit of fluff, and that was all it was. Still, it was cute, and it gave me a little bit of fuzzy.
I was amused by Bon Bon’s note about what the retirement plan was, and how it really works out (namely, a fake funeral – that the ponies involved in don’t even know is fake, by the sounds of things). Always a fun “retirement plan”, doubly so when it has such a double meaning.
The serious aspects of it engaged me. The fluff felt comparatively bolted-on. I think ending three paragraphs sooner would have made it much stronger.
Now this is some cute and fluffy SoL here. Both characters sounded right, and the scene was set pretty well. I think this could benefit from a bit of expansion outside of Writeoff, and a small cleanup to focus a little less on Sweetie Drop's background as an agent and more on the new aspects of her relationship to Lyra, or perhaps details of the small crowd below.
IMO, that would take a good entry and make it into an even better full story. :)
IMO, that would take a good entry and make it into an even better full story. :)
I first thought they were ghosts... because sitting in a tree and all. How does a pony climb a tree? Seems pretty much impossible to me.
Turned out they're alive. And in love. And happy. Urgh. Call me cold-hearted, but the fluff in this one kinda pissed me off - I don't care about the characters to begin with and there was never any conflict, so there's no builtup that this could be payoff for.
The writing was fine and the idea of having a fake funeral for an alias that goes into retirement is okay I guess, but that didn't really save it for me.
Turned out they're alive. And in love. And happy. Urgh. Call me cold-hearted, but the fluff in this one kinda pissed me off - I don't care about the characters to begin with and there was never any conflict, so there's no builtup that this could be payoff for.
The writing was fine and the idea of having a fake funeral for an alias that goes into retirement is okay I guess, but that didn't really save it for me.
I'm sorry to say this one didn't really do anything for me. The dialogue felt contrived rather than natural, and was pretty much an info dump besides. I'm fairly sentimental and enjoy well-written ships, but the sugary sweetness of much of this felt too saccharine. And having no conflict or tension to offset any of this really dragged it further down.
I think even a little minor conflict threaded through this and resolved at the end would help this story immensely, as would toning down the sweetness in the dialogue, bringing it more into the realm of "show" than "tell".
I think even a little minor conflict threaded through this and resolved at the end would help this story immensely, as would toning down the sweetness in the dialogue, bringing it more into the realm of "show" than "tell".