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Equestria Girls*
“Come on Twilight.” Spike was using his trademark ‘just one more gem’ voice. “You’ve been studying that spell for days. You should take a break.”
Twilight looked up from the workbench. “Spike. Princess Celestia wouldn’t have sent it to me if she didn’t want me to figure it out.”
“Well, yeah, but right now she’s busy with Luna and Cadance at the Princess Summit. Besides, it’s been unfinished for hundreds of years. I’m sure it can last another day or two.”
“I know, I know, it’s just frustrating,” she said, pawing the floor.
“Have you tried casting it?”
“Cast an incomplete, unknown spell?” She looked at him like he’d just suggested unlimited ice cream day again. “That would be extremely irresponsible! No, I have to finish my analysis first.”
“Well, you still need a break. What about Pinkie’s ‘it’s a nice day to have a party’ party?” he said, fixing her with a stare. “Even when you drag your hooves about going, you’re always happy about it later.”
Twilight could only meet his gaze for a second before looking away. “Alright, Spike, you’re right,” she said, her magic sweeping everything into neat piles before she followed him to the door. Let’s go!”
Twilight had a bounce to her step. “That was a really fun party.”
“See? I told you you’d like it. I still don’t understand why you’re leaving so early, though. Celestia only set the sun an hour ago.”
“Well, Rainbow's description of the wind in her latest stunt gave me an idea about the spell,” she said, pushing open the library door.
Spike hopped off and trailed her to the workroom, but the moment she opened the door she froze, ears aquiver. She sniffed the air and her eyes roamed over at her note-strewn worktable.
“What’s wrong, Twilight?” Spike followed her in.
Twilight caught movement in the corner of her eye and lit her horn. A cloaked and hooded figure stared back for a split second before bolting.
Barely a second later, Twilight was on their heels. “Hey, who are you? Come back! Thief!”
Spike missed his grab as she rocketed past and out the front door, and she called over her shoulder. “Spike! I’ll chase after her – you go get the girls.”
“Roger!” he said, dashing towards Sugarcube Corner.
Twilight refocused on her quarry, gritting her teeth when she saw she’d almost missed them taking a corner.
Their hoofbeats were loud in the night as Twilight panicked quietly. This isn’t good. I don’t know who they are, what they look like, or even what they stole. I lose them now, I’ll have no way to identify them.
Gathering her magic, she sent out bolts to snare or stun them, only to get a rude shock when each spell was expertly countered.
Okay, I know one thing. They’re a unicorn.
Ponyville flashed by them as they wove among the buildings, but Twilight’s familiarity with it soon started to tell. Then, right when she thought she had them boxed in, they disappeared in a flash.
She turned in a circle, her eyes widening as she took in an empty street. Her ears went flat.
On a hunch she ran to the edge of town, towards Whitetail Woods. A dark form pelted across the field! Elation roared in her ears, but panic rose as well – they’d almost reached the treeline.
Twilight pushed on, trying to summon up more speed. Just as the thief was about to reach the treeline, a blue blur knocked them to the ground.
“Ha! You think you can outrun the fastest flier in Equestria?”
The only response was a groan.
Hoofbeats rumbled behind her, and Twilight glanced back to see the rest of her friends closing in from Ponyville, but they were still a ways off. Then she was at Rainbow’s side, her breath heaving and her eyes going wide as she saw her element of Magic spilling out of the thief's saddlebags.
Rainbow’s eyes barely flickered over to her before she reached for the pony’s hood. “That’s enough of that, buster. Who are you, anyhow?”
“Sunset Shimmer. I have her yearbook photo right here.”
“Mmmhm.” The police officer took it from her, examining it closely.
“We’re also missing the crown for the Fall Formal, but I can’t imagine how that would be connected.”
“You never know, Principal. I’ll add it to the file. Don't worry, a case like this, we’ll find her if she's ran to the ends of the Earth.”
Twilight looked up from the workbench. “Spike. Princess Celestia wouldn’t have sent it to me if she didn’t want me to figure it out.”
“Well, yeah, but right now she’s busy with Luna and Cadance at the Princess Summit. Besides, it’s been unfinished for hundreds of years. I’m sure it can last another day or two.”
“I know, I know, it’s just frustrating,” she said, pawing the floor.
“Have you tried casting it?”
“Cast an incomplete, unknown spell?” She looked at him like he’d just suggested unlimited ice cream day again. “That would be extremely irresponsible! No, I have to finish my analysis first.”
“Well, you still need a break. What about Pinkie’s ‘it’s a nice day to have a party’ party?” he said, fixing her with a stare. “Even when you drag your hooves about going, you’re always happy about it later.”
Twilight could only meet his gaze for a second before looking away. “Alright, Spike, you’re right,” she said, her magic sweeping everything into neat piles before she followed him to the door. Let’s go!”
Twilight had a bounce to her step. “That was a really fun party.”
“See? I told you you’d like it. I still don’t understand why you’re leaving so early, though. Celestia only set the sun an hour ago.”
“Well, Rainbow's description of the wind in her latest stunt gave me an idea about the spell,” she said, pushing open the library door.
Spike hopped off and trailed her to the workroom, but the moment she opened the door she froze, ears aquiver. She sniffed the air and her eyes roamed over at her note-strewn worktable.
“What’s wrong, Twilight?” Spike followed her in.
Twilight caught movement in the corner of her eye and lit her horn. A cloaked and hooded figure stared back for a split second before bolting.
Barely a second later, Twilight was on their heels. “Hey, who are you? Come back! Thief!”
Spike missed his grab as she rocketed past and out the front door, and she called over her shoulder. “Spike! I’ll chase after her – you go get the girls.”
“Roger!” he said, dashing towards Sugarcube Corner.
Twilight refocused on her quarry, gritting her teeth when she saw she’d almost missed them taking a corner.
Their hoofbeats were loud in the night as Twilight panicked quietly. This isn’t good. I don’t know who they are, what they look like, or even what they stole. I lose them now, I’ll have no way to identify them.
Gathering her magic, she sent out bolts to snare or stun them, only to get a rude shock when each spell was expertly countered.
Okay, I know one thing. They’re a unicorn.
Ponyville flashed by them as they wove among the buildings, but Twilight’s familiarity with it soon started to tell. Then, right when she thought she had them boxed in, they disappeared in a flash.
She turned in a circle, her eyes widening as she took in an empty street. Her ears went flat.
On a hunch she ran to the edge of town, towards Whitetail Woods. A dark form pelted across the field! Elation roared in her ears, but panic rose as well – they’d almost reached the treeline.
Twilight pushed on, trying to summon up more speed. Just as the thief was about to reach the treeline, a blue blur knocked them to the ground.
“Ha! You think you can outrun the fastest flier in Equestria?”
The only response was a groan.
Hoofbeats rumbled behind her, and Twilight glanced back to see the rest of her friends closing in from Ponyville, but they were still a ways off. Then she was at Rainbow’s side, her breath heaving and her eyes going wide as she saw her element of Magic spilling out of the thief's saddlebags.
Rainbow’s eyes barely flickered over to her before she reached for the pony’s hood. “That’s enough of that, buster. Who are you, anyhow?”
“Sunset Shimmer. I have her yearbook photo right here.”
“Mmmhm.” The police officer took it from her, examining it closely.
“We’re also missing the crown for the Fall Formal, but I can’t imagine how that would be connected.”
“You never know, Principal. I’ll add it to the file. Don't worry, a case like this, we’ll find her if she's ran to the ends of the Earth.”
Heh. Fun, but it’s only just gotten started. You’ve opened up a potentially fascinating AU; I’d love to see what you do with it. But as is? There’s just not much to this.
Gotta agree with what was said above. You've hooked my interest, but you've failed to deliver anything really substantial, and that would've been the real linchpin that made this story click. As it is, it's a fun beginning to a story with pitch-perfect characters and some solid writing, but it lacks a real plot.
I'd hate to critique a story based on its subject matter alone, but honestly, AU's are very, very difficult to pull off in minific rounds. You need to spend a lot of time simply setting things up, and with only a scene's worth of words to work with it's very hard to make the reader feel like they've received a payoff from learning about this AU.
Historically speaking, virtually all of our previous minific medalists establish both setting and tone within the first fifty or so words of the story. In other words, you really need to get your readers invested and ready to go as soon as possible in order to give yourself enough time to tell a complete story. This is exceedingly difficult to do when you first have to establish how and when your story deviates from canon.
This story really needs a couple of thousand words under its belt at the very least. As a minific entry, I can't really say that it's done its job.
Historically speaking, virtually all of our previous minific medalists establish both setting and tone within the first fifty or so words of the story. In other words, you really need to get your readers invested and ready to go as soon as possible in order to give yourself enough time to tell a complete story. This is exceedingly difficult to do when you first have to establish how and when your story deviates from canon.
This story really needs a couple of thousand words under its belt at the very least. As a minific entry, I can't really say that it's done its job.
Interesting in the set-up: if I read your story correctly, it's a sort of Equestria Girls but reversed?
Alack, I must agree with the other reviewers here: this is just a scene. The other short pieces are like additional tokens thrown in to give more information on your backdrop, but they don't really dovetail together so the overall impression is one of disjunction. Furthermore, the hook is pretty weak. You should've begun immediately by the chase, rather than by a sort of lackadaisical scene.
Alack, I must agree with the other reviewers here: this is just a scene. The other short pieces are like additional tokens thrown in to give more information on your backdrop, but they don't really dovetail together so the overall impression is one of disjunction. Furthermore, the hook is pretty weak. You should've begun immediately by the chase, rather than by a sort of lackadaisical scene.
Halfway through:
I thought Sunset had grabbed the book with Starswirl's incomplete spell in it, and my mind immediately raced ahead to conclude that she was going to trigger the "Magical Mystery Cure" episode and become a princess instead of Twilight. And I liked that idea a whole lot.
But then that turned out not to be the case, and I felt disappointed 'cause I liked what I thought was happening more than what actually happened.... :(
As it is, though, I agree with the folks above: more scene than story and all that.
Mike
I thought Sunset had grabbed the book with Starswirl's incomplete spell in it, and my mind immediately raced ahead to conclude that she was going to trigger the "Magical Mystery Cure" episode and become a princess instead of Twilight. And I liked that idea a whole lot.
But then that turned out not to be the case, and I felt disappointed 'cause I liked what I thought was happening more than what actually happened.... :(
As it is, though, I agree with the folks above: more scene than story and all that.
Mike
This is not a story.
This is the opening scene to what could very well be an excellent story!
So, in terms of this competition? You lose a bunch of points because there isn't enough story in your story. In terms of actual, you know, successful writing? You've got an excellent idea and good opening for something that probably wouldn't fit in the write-off format anyways. So, yay? :)
This is the opening scene to what could very well be an excellent story!
So, in terms of this competition? You lose a bunch of points because there isn't enough story in your story. In terms of actual, you know, successful writing? You've got an excellent idea and good opening for something that probably wouldn't fit in the write-off format anyways. So, yay? :)
It's a nice opening scene that, once competition is over I hope develops into a nice story. I did sort of chuckle at the last line because I immediately remembered the town guards in Oblivion chasing me through the countryside because I stole a pewter plate and not giving up no matter how far I went.
All in all it's not a bad little tale. It just suffers from the super short word limit.
All in all it's not a bad little tale. It just suffers from the super short word limit.
Fan pretty much said it all. What you've got here is the first rock tossed down a hill, it has the potential to become a rock slide but it's pretty unremarkable on it's own. I hesitate to say it's just a retelling of EQG with one small change, but it doesn't feel like that adds anything to the story.
Equestria Girls*
First of all, thank you >>FanOfMostEverything, >>ArgonMatrix, >>Bachiavellian, >>Monokeras, >>Baal Bunny, >>TheCyanRecluse, >>Misternick, and >>MrExtra
It seems like there was a clear (and quite valid) consensus of this being a decently executed scene, but just an intro into a larger story.
Mea culpa; this wasn't what I intended.
In my mind, this was a meta-joke about how without Twilight being a princess, the whole EQG plot goes off the rails and this little 750 word thing happens instead.
I think much of the issue comes from that last line. I had considered ending it with 'well, sometimes that's just how these things end', but I thought that would be an odd and defeatist thing for someone to say at that point, so I went with the subtler 'ends of the Earth' (emphasis, unfortunately, only mine). I should remember that little thing about subtlety in the writeoffs.
I'm glad the scene and characters worked, at least, and thanks again for the feedback.
First of all, thank you >>FanOfMostEverything, >>ArgonMatrix, >>Bachiavellian, >>Monokeras, >>Baal Bunny, >>TheCyanRecluse, >>Misternick, and >>MrExtra
It seems like there was a clear (and quite valid) consensus of this being a decently executed scene, but just an intro into a larger story.
Mea culpa; this wasn't what I intended.
In my mind, this was a meta-joke about how without Twilight being a princess, the whole EQG plot goes off the rails and this little 750 word thing happens instead.
I think much of the issue comes from that last line. I had considered ending it with 'well, sometimes that's just how these things end', but I thought that would be an odd and defeatist thing for someone to say at that point, so I went with the subtler 'ends of the Earth' (emphasis, unfortunately, only mine). I should remember that little thing about subtlety in the writeoffs.
I'm glad the scene and characters worked, at least, and thanks again for the feedback.