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Protectionism
Far from the prying eyes of the Princesses and the public, the conspirators met. They were ponies of power, wealth, and influence. Even if each of their power and influence was of limited scope. Together, they represented aspects of Equestrian business, society, and government.
Together, they planned how to save their positions, no, all of Equestria from the threat that had befallen them.
If only they could agree on how to do so.
“I tell you, this is madness! We’d be tarred and feathered for even thinking about it!”
“We have no choice! They’ve left us no choice! When it was just Celestia…”
“Yes, Celestia understood how things worked! She never got involved herself! She had minions for that! These new ones though…”
“That doesn’t matter! If we do this, we’ll be accused of Tribalism! Public sentiment will turn against us on principle alone!”
“Ha! Unlikely! They’re hardly a tribe! There’s but four of them!”
“Four of them so far! If things continue at this rate…!”
“That’s exactly what we’re all afraid of!
The cacophony of voices was brought to a halt by the sound of a hoof slamming repeatedly onto the tabletop. It continued to hammer on the ancient wood until silence, if not order was finally restored.
“Mares and Gentlecolts, please settle down. We are all here because we recognize the threat the current situation poses. We are here to fix things, not to make them worse by attacking each other.” Fancy Pants cleared his throat and met the eyes of each and every pony around the table. “Now, let’s keep this neat and orderly. We’ll start with Government. Miss Mayor Mare?”
Mayor Mare sighed unhappily and began.
“The government pension program wasn't designed to handle immortals. Most ponies work for thirty or forty years, then retire. They might collect their pension for another twenty or thirty years before passing on.” Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she continued.
“By our calculations, if Twilight Sparkle continues on as Ponyville Librarian for another two hundred years, her annual pension will exceed the town budget. Every year. Forever.”
Fancy Pants sighed. “How about Industry? Miss Craftsmare?”
The Silver coated mare with the crescent wrench cutie mark nodded. “As you all know, Craftsmare prides itself on its lifetime warranty on all tools. Lifetime was never meant to mean forever..”
“But surely a few sets of wrenches every decade or two won’t affect your bottom line…?” Fancy pants asked. Craftsmare just gave him a dark look.
“Princess Cadance has put in a bulk order for tools to help rebuild and modernize the Crystal Empire. A bulk personal order.” The mare growled. Fancy grimaced and sighed.
“Art and culture?” He asked, gesturing at Jet Set and Upper Crust.
“It’s not so bad for us as of yet. While Princess Luna has already purchased a ‘lifetime’ access pass to the Canterlot opera, Royal patronage actually improves our stature and bottom line.” Jet Set began.
“But that’s only true for the moment.” Upper Crust grimaced. “Princess Celestia and Luna are more than acceptable, of course. Princess Cadance is… tolerable I suppose. And there might be some hope for Princess Twilight.” She rolled her eyes. “But if more alicorns keep showing up, some of them are certain to be from the… ugh… Lower classes.” She grimaced, as if she had stepped in something disgusting.
Fancy pants just sighed and rolled his eyes.
“Well, I believe we are all in agreement that this situation is, in the long run, untenable.” This statement was met with murmurs of agreement and nodding of heads.
“And I think we all recognize what we need to do, as distasteful as it may be.” The murmurs were softer this time, interspersed with grumbling. But nopony spoke out in disagreement.
“Very well then. Let us take a vote.”
It was with a heavy heart that Fancy Pants tallied the Ayes.
Princess Twilight Sparkle hummed happily she opened her new set of wrenches. She couldn’t wait to use them to work on her Transmogrifier! She was so excited, she almost missed the slip of paper that fell out of the box.
“Oh, my warranty card! Don’t want to lose this!” She hummed to herself, snatching it up with her magic. Ever a bibliophile, she couldn't resist reading the document as she moved to file it away. Which was when she noticed a new and terrible addition to the document.
“Wha.. What the HAY???”
Together, they planned how to save their positions, no, all of Equestria from the threat that had befallen them.
If only they could agree on how to do so.
“I tell you, this is madness! We’d be tarred and feathered for even thinking about it!”
“We have no choice! They’ve left us no choice! When it was just Celestia…”
“Yes, Celestia understood how things worked! She never got involved herself! She had minions for that! These new ones though…”
“That doesn’t matter! If we do this, we’ll be accused of Tribalism! Public sentiment will turn against us on principle alone!”
“Ha! Unlikely! They’re hardly a tribe! There’s but four of them!”
“Four of them so far! If things continue at this rate…!”
“That’s exactly what we’re all afraid of!
The cacophony of voices was brought to a halt by the sound of a hoof slamming repeatedly onto the tabletop. It continued to hammer on the ancient wood until silence, if not order was finally restored.
“Mares and Gentlecolts, please settle down. We are all here because we recognize the threat the current situation poses. We are here to fix things, not to make them worse by attacking each other.” Fancy Pants cleared his throat and met the eyes of each and every pony around the table. “Now, let’s keep this neat and orderly. We’ll start with Government. Miss Mayor Mare?”
Mayor Mare sighed unhappily and began.
“The government pension program wasn't designed to handle immortals. Most ponies work for thirty or forty years, then retire. They might collect their pension for another twenty or thirty years before passing on.” Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she continued.
“By our calculations, if Twilight Sparkle continues on as Ponyville Librarian for another two hundred years, her annual pension will exceed the town budget. Every year. Forever.”
Fancy Pants sighed. “How about Industry? Miss Craftsmare?”
The Silver coated mare with the crescent wrench cutie mark nodded. “As you all know, Craftsmare prides itself on its lifetime warranty on all tools. Lifetime was never meant to mean forever..”
“But surely a few sets of wrenches every decade or two won’t affect your bottom line…?” Fancy pants asked. Craftsmare just gave him a dark look.
“Princess Cadance has put in a bulk order for tools to help rebuild and modernize the Crystal Empire. A bulk personal order.” The mare growled. Fancy grimaced and sighed.
“Art and culture?” He asked, gesturing at Jet Set and Upper Crust.
“It’s not so bad for us as of yet. While Princess Luna has already purchased a ‘lifetime’ access pass to the Canterlot opera, Royal patronage actually improves our stature and bottom line.” Jet Set began.
“But that’s only true for the moment.” Upper Crust grimaced. “Princess Celestia and Luna are more than acceptable, of course. Princess Cadance is… tolerable I suppose. And there might be some hope for Princess Twilight.” She rolled her eyes. “But if more alicorns keep showing up, some of them are certain to be from the… ugh… Lower classes.” She grimaced, as if she had stepped in something disgusting.
Fancy pants just sighed and rolled his eyes.
“Well, I believe we are all in agreement that this situation is, in the long run, untenable.” This statement was met with murmurs of agreement and nodding of heads.
“And I think we all recognize what we need to do, as distasteful as it may be.” The murmurs were softer this time, interspersed with grumbling. But nopony spoke out in disagreement.
“Very well then. Let us take a vote.”
It was with a heavy heart that Fancy Pants tallied the Ayes.
Princess Twilight Sparkle hummed happily she opened her new set of wrenches. She couldn’t wait to use them to work on her Transmogrifier! She was so excited, she almost missed the slip of paper that fell out of the box.
“Oh, my warranty card! Don’t want to lose this!” She hummed to herself, snatching it up with her magic. Ever a bibliophile, she couldn't resist reading the document as she moved to file it away. Which was when she noticed a new and terrible addition to the document.
“Wha.. What the HAY???”
CRAFTSMARE LIFETIME WARRANTY*
*Princesses Not Included
There are some capitalization issues here and there, but in general, this turned out quite well. A little more polish and it’ll work out great. Though really, this is needlessly discriminatory against mortal princesses. For shame, Shadowy Council of Vagueness. For shame.
I agree with FOME: this one is quite solid. The lack of identifiers in the earlier section made narrating this a bit dicey, but that's a very minor quibble. The overall feeling is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but it seems to work quite well given the subject material. I particularly enjoyed Upper Crust's disdain as presented. Another qualm would be Twilight's exclamation at the end: it seems like she is using words that are not her own, but that could be me projecting my own character interpretation—maybe pull something canonical there?
This one had better make finals this round.
This one had better make finals this round.
Bit of an anticlimax, but it works alright.
I'm not sure this really sold me on their being much of a conflict here. These ponies seemed to be pretty much set and decided by the middle or earlier. The ending surprised me because I wasn't sure what they were going to do, not because I wasn't sure they were going to do what they were talking about... if that makes sense? Maybe it's just me. I do feel you'd have been better off using a different product than Craftsmare, if only because you already used them in the middle bit; it feels like recursion of some sort, but I really don't see how it is.
I'm not sure this really sold me on their being much of a conflict here. These ponies seemed to be pretty much set and decided by the middle or earlier. The ending surprised me because I wasn't sure what they were going to do, not because I wasn't sure they were going to do what they were talking about... if that makes sense? Maybe it's just me. I do feel you'd have been better off using a different product than Craftsmare, if only because you already used them in the middle bit; it feels like recursion of some sort, but I really don't see how it is.
They were ponies of power, wealth, and influence.
Try showing us this rather than telling us. I know it's a challenge in a minific, but push yourself.
I actually don't buy Fancy Pants as a power player. He's a socialite, and they want to be associated with royalty. His power stems from his connections, so laying the alicorns low would reduce his status. Being an alicorn automatically elevates one's status, and alicorns have a personal stake in acting as high status ponies.
No pension lacks a cap, because you don't want to encourage workers to continue working long past retirement age. Lifetime warranties aren't guaranteed for the life of the owner, but for the calculated life of the product. Also, even if a cost is infinite in the long run, it can be financed with finite capital because time-value of money has an exponential drop-off...
Ah, crap. I just nerded out all my enjoyment from this story. :facehoof:
Fancy Pants doesn't fit here. Make it Blueblood, or Filthy Rich - far more logical..
Otherwise, it was decent. Solid, I suppose. But yea, kinda what Trixie noted - my inner nerd is nitpicking too hard for this to slate-top for me.
Otherwise, it was decent. Solid, I suppose. But yea, kinda what Trixie noted - my inner nerd is nitpicking too hard for this to slate-top for me.
The ending of this one just feels anticlimactic after all of the issues discussed. They're talking about nationwide financial ruin and complete social upheaval, and their big brilliant counterstroke is ... messing with warranties? And yes, I get that as deliberate anticlimax this is (in the abstract) a pretty good joke about both the pettiness and ineffectiveness of the conspiracy, but:
1) using the prompt drop as the punchline fails for me (the core of humor is about subverting expectations, and using the prompt is about the least unexpected thing you could possibly do); and
2) see my review a few comments up about tone, because this very much is not a comedy until the final line, and then suddenly it derails into a joke. (That's a known genre of story -- it's called a shaggy dog -- but a shaggy dog story stands or falls on its punchline, and I've already explained why that failed for me.)
If this wasn't meant to be a shaggy dog story, it needs to be written with its theme (the problems of immortality — upon which this does a commendable job of focusing, and brings up some interesting points) and its tone in mind. If we're meant to laugh at the small-mindedness of the committee, which seems like a good goal here, then you really want to draw that out in your next draft. Tighten up a lot of the dry earlier stuff and leap as soon as possible into the debate about the problems (you could probably start with a line or two of context and then straight to Fancy Pants). Show us more like the noble's complaints about the lower-class princess: establish their pettiness early and often in among their legitimate complaints. Maybe throw in a ridiculous conspiracy theorist or two. The more firmly you establish before the break how sad and small-minded they are, the more satisfying the ending lands.
Tier: Needs Work
1) using the prompt drop as the punchline fails for me (the core of humor is about subverting expectations, and using the prompt is about the least unexpected thing you could possibly do); and
2) see my review a few comments up about tone, because this very much is not a comedy until the final line, and then suddenly it derails into a joke. (That's a known genre of story -- it's called a shaggy dog -- but a shaggy dog story stands or falls on its punchline, and I've already explained why that failed for me.)
If this wasn't meant to be a shaggy dog story, it needs to be written with its theme (the problems of immortality — upon which this does a commendable job of focusing, and brings up some interesting points) and its tone in mind. If we're meant to laugh at the small-mindedness of the committee, which seems like a good goal here, then you really want to draw that out in your next draft. Tighten up a lot of the dry earlier stuff and leap as soon as possible into the debate about the problems (you could probably start with a line or two of context and then straight to Fancy Pants). Show us more like the noble's complaints about the lower-class princess: establish their pettiness early and often in among their legitimate complaints. Maybe throw in a ridiculous conspiracy theorist or two. The more firmly you establish before the break how sad and small-minded they are, the more satisfying the ending lands.
Tier: Needs Work
Hee hee, Craftsmare.
The whole setup here is clever. I have to echo the cries of anticlimax, though I think it came close to pulling it off.
Tier: Almost There
The whole setup here is clever. I have to echo the cries of anticlimax, though I think it came close to pulling it off.
Tier: Almost There