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A trip to the store
Gilda tucked the pink package under her wing, wishing it could be anything but that color. So garishly pink, so obscenely bright against her darker plumage. Anypony looking would instantly see the little bit of pink sticking out. But she needed it, she needed it for her mission.
She stepped out of the shop, the tinkling of the bell announcing her departure. “Have a good day ma’am!” The shopkeep called her.
“Dweeb.” Gilda mumbled to herself. Her wings shuffled again, pressing the package closer against the crook of her wing. She couldn’t take to the air, not until she reached the outskirts of Ponyviile. She couldn’t risk anypony seeing her package, not this close to sweet, sweet victory.
Gilda looked left and right, scanning the streets. Ponies walked up and down, but none of them looked her way and surely none of them recognized her. Cautiously, she took a small step out of the doorway, working her way down the street with a care she rarely showed.
If she’d learned one thing from her time in the griffon empire, it was to walk as if you belonged. Gilda kept her head up, eyes facing forward, pride clearly on display. She deserved to be here, nothing strange about this griffon, nothing at all.
The first few blocks went well. No pony interrupted her and each step remained full of poise and confident. The third block hit disaster head on. A familiar chromatic mane bobbed along in the crowds, along with a pink blur that Gilda also knew from somewhere.
But for the moment, it was still fine. Rainbow hadn’t stopped her, not yet. She just needed to take a few steps back and…
“Gilda!?”
Shit.
Gilda turned and bolted, wing tightening around her package. Of all the ponies in this world, Rainbow could not see the most. “Gilda wait!”
The shout from behind went ignored as she sprinted through the streets. Her fur fluffed up as terror coursed through her; everything could end before it even began! She could not, would not let that happen!
On and on she ran, occasional shouts yelling, pleading for her to wait. She would need to apologize to Rainbow later, but she couldn’t stop, not now. She couldn’t let her precious cargo be revealed, even as the plastic bag crinkled under her wing, reminding her of its presence.
Gilda dodged through alleyways and alcoves, the shouts growing dimmer in the distance. She ran until the shouts stopped entirely, heart beating fast the entire way.
Eventually, mercifully she made it back to the hovel she called her home. The journey had taken an extra hour, but she made it, made it undiscovered. A secret door lead to the fruits of her labors over the last few months.
Her pride, her treasure, her secret. The one thing she could never let another see.
Shelves lined the walls, perfect pony dolls perched precariously on each one. She had them all - the elements of harmony, the ‘background pack’, the Empress Cadance special. Yet, she had always missed just a single one, the rarest of them all: Filly Luna.
Filly Luna had become something of a rarity among collectors such as herself. Only available for a limited time in a small run, but Gilda found her. Found her in a small collectors shop and now she was hers.
With shaking talons, she took the bag from under her wing, gently opening the package for “Luna’s playhouse”. The art on the cover perfectly depicted the smiling Luna doll, Gilda nearly salivating over the thought of having it in her fingers.
Her talons carefully sliced opened the package, ever so gently pulling out the completed playset. She opened the top if, peering inside for her prize.
But it wasn’t there.
With wide eyes, Gilda ripped at the package, desperately searching for her miniature. Where was it? It had to be here, it needed to be here!
She held it steady, searching for some explanation on the box.
Her eyes read over the warnings on the back quickly. This had to be a nightmare, some sort of awful dream! But no, the words stared right back at her muzzle.
Rainbow had seen her, she would suspect something was wrong. And all for naught, for the words read her death knell:
“Princess not included”.
She stepped out of the shop, the tinkling of the bell announcing her departure. “Have a good day ma’am!” The shopkeep called her.
“Dweeb.” Gilda mumbled to herself. Her wings shuffled again, pressing the package closer against the crook of her wing. She couldn’t take to the air, not until she reached the outskirts of Ponyviile. She couldn’t risk anypony seeing her package, not this close to sweet, sweet victory.
Gilda looked left and right, scanning the streets. Ponies walked up and down, but none of them looked her way and surely none of them recognized her. Cautiously, she took a small step out of the doorway, working her way down the street with a care she rarely showed.
If she’d learned one thing from her time in the griffon empire, it was to walk as if you belonged. Gilda kept her head up, eyes facing forward, pride clearly on display. She deserved to be here, nothing strange about this griffon, nothing at all.
The first few blocks went well. No pony interrupted her and each step remained full of poise and confident. The third block hit disaster head on. A familiar chromatic mane bobbed along in the crowds, along with a pink blur that Gilda also knew from somewhere.
But for the moment, it was still fine. Rainbow hadn’t stopped her, not yet. She just needed to take a few steps back and…
“Gilda!?”
Shit.
Gilda turned and bolted, wing tightening around her package. Of all the ponies in this world, Rainbow could not see the most. “Gilda wait!”
The shout from behind went ignored as she sprinted through the streets. Her fur fluffed up as terror coursed through her; everything could end before it even began! She could not, would not let that happen!
On and on she ran, occasional shouts yelling, pleading for her to wait. She would need to apologize to Rainbow later, but she couldn’t stop, not now. She couldn’t let her precious cargo be revealed, even as the plastic bag crinkled under her wing, reminding her of its presence.
Gilda dodged through alleyways and alcoves, the shouts growing dimmer in the distance. She ran until the shouts stopped entirely, heart beating fast the entire way.
Eventually, mercifully she made it back to the hovel she called her home. The journey had taken an extra hour, but she made it, made it undiscovered. A secret door lead to the fruits of her labors over the last few months.
Her pride, her treasure, her secret. The one thing she could never let another see.
Shelves lined the walls, perfect pony dolls perched precariously on each one. She had them all - the elements of harmony, the ‘background pack’, the Empress Cadance special. Yet, she had always missed just a single one, the rarest of them all: Filly Luna.
Filly Luna had become something of a rarity among collectors such as herself. Only available for a limited time in a small run, but Gilda found her. Found her in a small collectors shop and now she was hers.
With shaking talons, she took the bag from under her wing, gently opening the package for “Luna’s playhouse”. The art on the cover perfectly depicted the smiling Luna doll, Gilda nearly salivating over the thought of having it in her fingers.
Her talons carefully sliced opened the package, ever so gently pulling out the completed playset. She opened the top if, peering inside for her prize.
But it wasn’t there.
With wide eyes, Gilda ripped at the package, desperately searching for her miniature. Where was it? It had to be here, it needed to be here!
She held it steady, searching for some explanation on the box.
Her eyes read over the warnings on the back quickly. This had to be a nightmare, some sort of awful dream! But no, the words stared right back at her muzzle.
Rainbow had seen her, she would suspect something was wrong. And all for naught, for the words read her death knell:
“Princess not included”.
Given the prompt, those last three words may not have been necessary. Still, nicely tense. If you expand this, I recommend expanding the chase. There’s not enough room here for a properly paced pursuit spanning from start to finish, and I'd expect Dash to be able to keep up better, especially if she can keep an eye on Gilda from above. And that's saying nothing of Pinkie not bothering with any space between Points A and Z.
There'll soon be a:
Strongly worded letter on its way to the Equestrian Better Business Bureau, I should hope!
Fun, but I'll echo >>FanOfMostEverything with the recommendation that you take this even further, author. Make sure we know that this is a secret underground bunker Gilda has constructed after months of painstaking effort just to house her collection. Let us feel the sweat trickling between her feathers as she walks through the streets, and let her howl of anguish rend the very heavens themselves at the end. Because my motto for silly stories is: it can always be sillier.
Mike
Strongly worded letter on its way to the Equestrian Better Business Bureau, I should hope!
Fun, but I'll echo >>FanOfMostEverything with the recommendation that you take this even further, author. Make sure we know that this is a secret underground bunker Gilda has constructed after months of painstaking effort just to house her collection. Let us feel the sweat trickling between her feathers as she walks through the streets, and let her howl of anguish rend the very heavens themselves at the end. Because my motto for silly stories is: it can always be sillier.
Mike
Haha, this is so true of old toysets in many ways.
One nitpick : Gryphons have talons, not fingers - I'd do a replace on that. Otherwise yea, a good pony-ized bit about toy collecting and Gilda totally fits the 'Loves them but too embarrassed to admit it' collector trope
One nitpick : Gryphons have talons, not fingers - I'd do a replace on that. Otherwise yea, a good pony-ized bit about toy collecting and Gilda totally fits the 'Loves them but too embarrassed to admit it' collector trope
I can't say that this one really caught me, and that's mostly on my feeling like it didn't have a whole lot of ideas to fill its 720 words. As early as the first paragraph or two, it's pretty clear that Gilda's buying something stereotypically "girly" and she's ashamed of it. The majority of the story treats this as some sort of secret, and tries to build up tension with the chase scene in order to pull off a reveal two-thirds of the way through, and the reveal is that ... in fact she did buy something stereotypically girly and was ashamed of it. I guess there's some flavoring to that in that she's specifically a pony fan, but that really wasn't enough to hold my attention through the buildup to the foregone conclusion.
I've noted in previous reviews that comedy is about subversion of expectations, and that a prompt drop is the least unexpected punchline that it's possible to make in a Writeoff, so the last third of the story falls flat for me too. Sorry, author. I feel a little bad saying that I'm scoring this low simply because of what you chose to write about, because there aren't any mechanical faults (and this does use its tight third-person limited narration well), but when you write on the well-trodden ground of thoroughly predictable ideas, it's very difficult to distinguish yourself.
It's an interesting contrast with my previous review >>horizon, which fell flat for me because it went too far in the wilds. Writing well is about finding that balance: striking out into weird and fresh territory, but learning how to navigate it and where your readers will need signposts and what landmarks to point out. The last story could benefit from reining it in a bit; this one could benefit from striking out further. Sometimes the only solution is to keep writing and keep experimenting, failing in new and interesting ways and learning the paths through trial and error. I hope you both keep at it.
Tier: Misaimed
I've noted in previous reviews that comedy is about subversion of expectations, and that a prompt drop is the least unexpected punchline that it's possible to make in a Writeoff, so the last third of the story falls flat for me too. Sorry, author. I feel a little bad saying that I'm scoring this low simply because of what you chose to write about, because there aren't any mechanical faults (and this does use its tight third-person limited narration well), but when you write on the well-trodden ground of thoroughly predictable ideas, it's very difficult to distinguish yourself.
It's an interesting contrast with my previous review >>horizon, which fell flat for me because it went too far in the wilds. Writing well is about finding that balance: striking out into weird and fresh territory, but learning how to navigate it and where your readers will need signposts and what landmarks to point out. The last story could benefit from reining it in a bit; this one could benefit from striking out further. Sometimes the only solution is to keep writing and keep experimenting, failing in new and interesting ways and learning the paths through trial and error. I hope you both keep at it.
Tier: Misaimed
Clean construction and easy to follow. The prose was well crafted and unobtrusive. Gilda's actions seem consistent, although I'm a little surprised that she was able to lose Rainbow so easily.
I'm a little confused about where Gilda lives. Has she moved to Ponyville? Or was there a flying leg that was glossed over? She did mention not being able to fly.
As with >>horizon given the prompt, the mention of 'pony dolls' was enough for me to guess the ending.
While not mind blowing, this was a solid and well constructed story overall.
I'm a little confused about where Gilda lives. Has she moved to Ponyville? Or was there a flying leg that was glossed over? She did mention not being able to fly.
As with >>horizon given the prompt, the mention of 'pony dolls' was enough for me to guess the ending.
While not mind blowing, this was a solid and well constructed story overall.
Well, this wasn't bad, but it really didn't do that much for me. It was pretty clear from the start that Gilda is hauling around something embarrassing... And in the end, she was... hauling around something embarrassing.
Rainbow and Pinkie seem pretty determined / desperate to catch Gilda when they spot her... Which is, I suppose, not out of character for either of them. Still, while I understand that you're trying to ramp up the tension, you're also making it feel like RD and Pinkie are chasing her as if the fate of Equestria depends on catching her. As opposed to trying to catch up with a friend who didn't hear your greeting, or is even intentionally avoiding you. Generally speaking, a friend avoiding you isn't usually indicative of the end of the world...
Then again, this is Equestria we're talking about, so who knows.
The fact that RD and Pinkie are unable to catch her seems rather unusually however. Unless, you know, they weren't actually trying that hard.
Anyway, aside from my nitpicking, there really wasn't anything bad about this story. There just wasn't anything spectacular either.
Rainbow and Pinkie seem pretty determined / desperate to catch Gilda when they spot her... Which is, I suppose, not out of character for either of them. Still, while I understand that you're trying to ramp up the tension, you're also making it feel like RD and Pinkie are chasing her as if the fate of Equestria depends on catching her. As opposed to trying to catch up with a friend who didn't hear your greeting, or is even intentionally avoiding you. Generally speaking, a friend avoiding you isn't usually indicative of the end of the world...
Then again, this is Equestria we're talking about, so who knows.
The fact that RD and Pinkie are unable to catch her seems rather unusually however. Unless, you know, they weren't actually trying that hard.
Anyway, aside from my nitpicking, there really wasn't anything bad about this story. There just wasn't anything spectacular either.