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The Birthday Scam
“Ridiculous!” Silver Spoon scoffed. The offer was too good to be true. If her father were here, he'd sit her down, fetch his pipe, adjust his spectacles, then start one of his overly long lectures.
"Daughter dear," he'd say taking a puff from his pipe, pausing for effect. "What you've been presented is a third rate scam. No pony in their right mind would allow you to have your birthday in Princess Twilight's castle for a hundred bits. Why, even assuming the place could be rented out, the price tag would be in the tens of thousands. No, you are simply the victim of a silly school prank."
School prank, Silver thought. The had to be the explanation. And yet she so much wished it to be true.
"Are you sure?" Her ears moved back, afraid of the answer. As far as she could remember her birthdays had been boring: a stuffy dinner with her parents, a small, expensive gift—most often jewelry—wrapped meticulously in a silver box, and a long speech regarding her future. She would consider herself lucky to have Diamond Tiara over.
"Absolutely!" Sweetie Belle smiled. "I asked my sister, who asked Spike, who spoke with Twilight, and it's perfectly fine! We get to spend the whole night there!"
Silver Spoon squinted behind her glasses. Belle seemed a little too cheerful. Yes, her sister was close to the Princess, but did she have such sway? Princesses didn't just allow fillies to have parties in their castles. It takes tremendous amounts of planning, money, and effort to set this up.
"So, my birthday at Twilight's castle?" Silver Spoon tapped her chin,considering. Why am I hesitating? It's just bits. My weekly allowance is twice as much. "And you'll organize everything?"
"Oh please say yes!" Sweetie Belle hopped around the desk, making Silver Spoon already regret her decision. "You don't have to worry, we’ll take care of everything!"
"Marvelous." Silver Spoon sighed, then took a grey purse from her saddlebag. Money wasted, I'm certain. Father will be furious if he finds out. This was the worst investment she'd ever made. The risk factor was off the charts, there was no written contract, and the ponies involved were—
"This will be so great!" The filly snatched the purse and rushed off before Silver could say another word.
Of course Diamond would pick today to be absent. The filly sighed, then tried to think of other things.
She arranged her books neatly on her desk, took out her quill case, adjusted her seat and waited. Just a day as any other. Her father had warned Silver about getting her hopes up. High hopes always led to disappointment. The more down to earth she was, the less chance she would end up upset. Although, maybe, just maybe, tonight will to be different?
"What do you mean, Princess Twilight isn't here?" Silver Spoon asked, staring blankly at the castle entrance.
"Weeeell, she had to go to the Crystal Empire to see her niece." Sweetie Belle smiled sheepishly. "But she let us have your birthday there!"
"Princess Twilight's castle..." she said weakly. Princess Twilight not included. I should have seen it. Father was right all along! Her ears drooped.
"Remember, Daughter dear." Silver could hear her father's voice. "Stupid is what stupid gets. It's not the swindler who's to blame, it's those who let themselves be cheated. You knew this could never be true, and still, yet you chose to believe nonetheless. You and you alone bear the responsibility for your own failure."
"So, umm, do you like it?" Sweetie Belle moved a step closer.
"Well," Silver Spoon took a deep breath. "When you said I'd have my birthday in Princess Twilight's castle, I thought I'd actually be spending it with the Princess." She raised her head, looking down on her friend. "Not trot around an empty building with ponies I see at school all day! Honestly, I was an idiot to think this could be anything by a sc—" Silver stopped. It finally dawned upon her. I see how it is. Leave it to you to ruin the best laid plans. The bits weren't intended for the castle, they were to get her father’s attention. And since he believed in life lessons, he would willingly let her have her party there, princessless, just to see experience the consequences.
Well, Father, I guess you showed me. Silver smiled. "Come on, Belle." She trotted into the castle. "Everypony’s waiting."
"Daughter dear," he'd say taking a puff from his pipe, pausing for effect. "What you've been presented is a third rate scam. No pony in their right mind would allow you to have your birthday in Princess Twilight's castle for a hundred bits. Why, even assuming the place could be rented out, the price tag would be in the tens of thousands. No, you are simply the victim of a silly school prank."
School prank, Silver thought. The had to be the explanation. And yet she so much wished it to be true.
"Are you sure?" Her ears moved back, afraid of the answer. As far as she could remember her birthdays had been boring: a stuffy dinner with her parents, a small, expensive gift—most often jewelry—wrapped meticulously in a silver box, and a long speech regarding her future. She would consider herself lucky to have Diamond Tiara over.
"Absolutely!" Sweetie Belle smiled. "I asked my sister, who asked Spike, who spoke with Twilight, and it's perfectly fine! We get to spend the whole night there!"
Silver Spoon squinted behind her glasses. Belle seemed a little too cheerful. Yes, her sister was close to the Princess, but did she have such sway? Princesses didn't just allow fillies to have parties in their castles. It takes tremendous amounts of planning, money, and effort to set this up.
"So, my birthday at Twilight's castle?" Silver Spoon tapped her chin,considering. Why am I hesitating? It's just bits. My weekly allowance is twice as much. "And you'll organize everything?"
"Oh please say yes!" Sweetie Belle hopped around the desk, making Silver Spoon already regret her decision. "You don't have to worry, we’ll take care of everything!"
"Marvelous." Silver Spoon sighed, then took a grey purse from her saddlebag. Money wasted, I'm certain. Father will be furious if he finds out. This was the worst investment she'd ever made. The risk factor was off the charts, there was no written contract, and the ponies involved were—
"This will be so great!" The filly snatched the purse and rushed off before Silver could say another word.
Of course Diamond would pick today to be absent. The filly sighed, then tried to think of other things.
She arranged her books neatly on her desk, took out her quill case, adjusted her seat and waited. Just a day as any other. Her father had warned Silver about getting her hopes up. High hopes always led to disappointment. The more down to earth she was, the less chance she would end up upset. Although, maybe, just maybe, tonight will to be different?
"What do you mean, Princess Twilight isn't here?" Silver Spoon asked, staring blankly at the castle entrance.
"Weeeell, she had to go to the Crystal Empire to see her niece." Sweetie Belle smiled sheepishly. "But she let us have your birthday there!"
"Princess Twilight's castle..." she said weakly. Princess Twilight not included. I should have seen it. Father was right all along! Her ears drooped.
"Remember, Daughter dear." Silver could hear her father's voice. "Stupid is what stupid gets. It's not the swindler who's to blame, it's those who let themselves be cheated. You knew this could never be true, and still, yet you chose to believe nonetheless. You and you alone bear the responsibility for your own failure."
"So, umm, do you like it?" Sweetie Belle moved a step closer.
"Well," Silver Spoon took a deep breath. "When you said I'd have my birthday in Princess Twilight's castle, I thought I'd actually be spending it with the Princess." She raised her head, looking down on her friend. "Not trot around an empty building with ponies I see at school all day! Honestly, I was an idiot to think this could be anything by a sc—" Silver stopped. It finally dawned upon her. I see how it is. Leave it to you to ruin the best laid plans. The bits weren't intended for the castle, they were to get her father’s attention. And since he believed in life lessons, he would willingly let her have her party there, princessless, just to see experience the consequences.
Well, Father, I guess you showed me. Silver smiled. "Come on, Belle." She trotted into the castle. "Everypony’s waiting."
This is certainly an interesting take on Silver Spoon. I actually like how she’s apparently forgotten that Twilight was just the wingless, crownless town librarian a few years ago. Status can blind all too easily.
However, I’m not sure what to think of the ending. Specifically, I’m having trouble sussing out the truth from the tangle of Sweetie’s good intentions, Silver’s preconceived notions, and what part if any her father actually played in the proceedings. Does he monitor Silver’s finances enough that he’d be aware of this investment, or does she just see his hoof in everything? Clear that up and this will be a very nice little slice of life.
However, I’m not sure what to think of the ending. Specifically, I’m having trouble sussing out the truth from the tangle of Sweetie’s good intentions, Silver’s preconceived notions, and what part if any her father actually played in the proceedings. Does he monitor Silver’s finances enough that he’d be aware of this investment, or does she just see his hoof in everything? Clear that up and this will be a very nice little slice of life.
I have little to add to FoME’s comments, and I agree that this is a good SoL tale.
Like the others here:
I found myself with a lot of questions at the end, too. Fortunately, author, you'll have more room to expand on whether Silver's suspicions are true or not when getting this set up for posting at FimFiction. I hope to see it there!
Mike
I found myself with a lot of questions at the end, too. Fortunately, author, you'll have more room to expand on whether Silver's suspicions are true or not when getting this set up for posting at FimFiction. I hope to see it there!
Mike
Y'know:
The more I think about this, the less I can figure out what's going on with Sweetie Belle. I mean, if this is all a scam being run by Silver's father, how did he get Sweetie to go along with it? And if it's not a scam, why is Sweetie charging Silver for her birthday party? If you're giving a friend a birthday party, you give it to them; you don't sell it to them....
Mike Again
The more I think about this, the less I can figure out what's going on with Sweetie Belle. I mean, if this is all a scam being run by Silver's father, how did he get Sweetie to go along with it? And if it's not a scam, why is Sweetie charging Silver for her birthday party? If you're giving a friend a birthday party, you give it to them; you don't sell it to them....
Mike Again
Some last-minute reviews trying to bring everything up to four responses.
This doubles down so hard and so centrally on its bizarre idea of Silver Spoon paying for her own birthday party that I read through the entire thing feeling off-kilter. There are a few more levels on which that didn't feel like it worked -- Sweetie Belle being the one to rip her off; the thing FOME and Baal mentioned about what role Silver's father plays; and the implied moral that Silver was right all along and that the proper approach to Equestrian society is a very un-hoers-like cynicism. (Not to mention, how the hell is Twilight going to react when she finds out that one of her friend's sisters was using her name to make money?)
It's possible you could fix those things with a bunch of lampshading; it's possible that it's just a fundamentally broken idea unless you spin this aggressively into a non-show-tone universe. You need to do one of the two, because there are certainly a lot of lingering questions.
I can't find anything in particular to critique on the rest. This is well-built, it's just sort of like the Monty Python kingdom in the swamp where they built the first castle and it sank, so they built another castle in the same spot and it sank again. See if you can tweak the premise here so it doesn't break the suspension of disbelief going in, and when you build that third castle, well, that one should stay up.
(See, for contrast: >>horizon)
Tier: Almost There
This doubles down so hard and so centrally on its bizarre idea of Silver Spoon paying for her own birthday party that I read through the entire thing feeling off-kilter. There are a few more levels on which that didn't feel like it worked -- Sweetie Belle being the one to rip her off; the thing FOME and Baal mentioned about what role Silver's father plays; and the implied moral that Silver was right all along and that the proper approach to Equestrian society is a very un-hoers-like cynicism. (Not to mention, how the hell is Twilight going to react when she finds out that one of her friend's sisters was using her name to make money?)
It's possible you could fix those things with a bunch of lampshading; it's possible that it's just a fundamentally broken idea unless you spin this aggressively into a non-show-tone universe. You need to do one of the two, because there are certainly a lot of lingering questions.
I can't find anything in particular to critique on the rest. This is well-built, it's just sort of like the Monty Python kingdom in the swamp where they built the first castle and it sank, so they built another castle in the same spot and it sank again. See if you can tweak the premise here so it doesn't break the suspension of disbelief going in, and when you build that third castle, well, that one should stay up.
(See, for contrast: >>horizon)
Tier: Almost There